Share this information with others
This blog began when I started writing a book to support women/men in the aftermath of abuse and it has now become a resource and support center for anyone dealing with domestic violence/abuse and the aftermath. My prayer is that is helps. I encourage you to link to this blog as it help others find it.
My goal in creating this blog is to provide a safe place to fall for anyone who has been touched by violence of any kind. I strive is to inform, empower, empathize, motivate and inspire you to demand more of you and those around you to stop abuse of any kind.
Let’s work together using our words and blog posts to show those that feel alone that they are never really alone, we are always here for them. We understand, we have been there and we really care.
Please note, unless you post, Safe to email or permission to email, in a comment I will never email you directly but will respond in a post. This is for your safety.
I am a writer, dreamer and true believer that you change your life by changing your focus. Emails are welcomed and I will respond as fast as I can. I can not respond to all posts but will do my best to leave a response in a timely fashion.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca J. Burns
email: dreamfocused@earthlink.net
www.rebeccaburns.com
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
hi my name is kirsty i am a year 11 tee student and would like to use ur poem of the young boy bobby in an assignment as i too am strongly against child abuse and would like to get across how bad the situation. i would need your name as the author and also ur permission to use ur work.
Thank you for asking, just give credit to Rebecca J. Burns as writer and if you use the photo D. Sharon Pruitt. I am happy that you have chosen to use this poem, it really seems to touch many. Best of luck to you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Hi, I’m Nikki, and I’m a student at my near by College. I’ll be starting my A2 year soon, but at the momnet we are doing a “taster” prep thing for it which initially prepares us for the next year. I am a drama student and I was wondering if you would gi ve me permission to use some of your work as a Stimulus for a Devised Piece my group are doing about Domestic Violence.
Thanks for reading
Dear Student,
Thank you for asking. You can use what you like just make sure to give credit to the writer whether is is my work, Rebecca J. Burns and offer a link to the blog for support if you can. Offer credit to others work that you use too.
I wish you all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
The most widely used poem is My Name is Bobby
ko i love her
My English not so good but thank for lovely site with information I looking for and need also.
Your site is a refreshing change from the majority of sites I have visited. When I first started visiting web sites I was excited by the potential of the internet as a resource and was very disappointed initially. You have restored my enthusiasm and I thank you for your efforts to share your insights and help the world become a better place.
I have been a victim of abuse in every kind there is.And there is still things I’m just now learning about to help me heal.I have been away from an abusing Partner for some three or more years now. And still feeling the effects like it was yesterday . Thank goodness I have this wonderful Man by my side .He is the reason I have asess to this very helpful site you have. A week ago he brought over his lap top to me with this web site and said to me I belive this can help you and he is right. in time I will be sharing more with you when I feel I can trust a little more nothing against you . Just simply Thank you .
Dear Danielle,
I had a chill run down my spine when I read your post. You are the real reason I started this blog so long ago. I remember craving a place to go to when I first started to seek support online. I first started in forums but it wasn’t what I needed. I myself lived with an abusive nut for over ten years. The abuse started within months and things got to the point of me almost being stabbed to death on several occasions. I have been gone now over ten years and my nightmares only ended a year or so ago. The fear doesn’t leave overnight. Sadly I felt for every year I stayed I seemed to hold onto the fear.
Writing and reading has helped me recover more than anything. We never forget but we learn to cope. Being with a good man helps so much. I only met my wonderful man after being alone over ten years. My biggest fear was telling him what I had been through, worried about what he would think, was I damaged goods. Would a man understand that this blog, mission and cause would always be a part of me and that when I see abuse on T.V. that I will often cry? He understood them all. After the man I was with my new man makes me so grateful to have found such a good man.
Trust is hard to come by and must be earned. I feel like a fully recovered women and my goal and mission in life is to support others to overcome the aftermath of abuse. I am never here to judge, just to be a soft place to fall. I will do my best to support you in any way that I can.
I hope that the other posts here will help you find what you are looking for. There are tons of great sites online and you will find those that suit you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
P.S. please thank the wonderful man in your life for taking the time to search for help for you online
Dear Danielle,
I am so sorry, I have heard bad stories of the shelters as well. There are some good and some bad. My mission and goal in life, even though I never ended up in a shelter, was pretty much on the door when a friend took me and my son in, but I want to raise money to provide 3-6 months expenses for a women and her children to deal with the PTSD, get assistance for addictions, deep one on one therapy and life coaching along with getting on services to help with living expenses. Having to deal with addictions and get a job, find a home does become overwhelming and like you said somewhat forces a women to return home.
The hardest part for me with the aftermath, the silence, the guilt, the nightmares, the fear of him killing me when I walked to my car to go to work each day. The anxiety attacks, the invisible fear of him even with him gone.
As far as your boyfriend that can be hard, he can only support you in what you decide to do and listen. It may be best for you to share with others that understand, it may be too much for him to understand now. In time you will be able to share more. I have found that I tell my boyfriend things when they just bubble up, watching a movie where a man holds a knife to the women, anything like that tears me up immediately, even after ten years. If someone yells at me, (not him) really brings me to tears too.
The best thing that he can do for you is to just hold you when you need it and listen. His gesture to help you should mean so much. I promise if you keep searching online, get counceling, read self help to regain self esteem and listen to motivational materials and read you will peel back the layers and heal from what has happened to you. It is okay to breakdown and feel weak as long as you get back up again.
Women like you, me and others that have been through what we have are the ones that can and will make the difference in the women’s lives in the shelters. I do what I can and others do too. In time we can make the shelters the safe haven we all wish for it to be. We all need t do our part.
I am here if you ever need a shoulder.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
I came across an amazing blog recently called Sanctuary for the abused, it is at http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/ and I really think you will find assistance there as well. She has lots of good informative links.
Its been leading up to this,I have been telling you all about my abusive partners well I have one huge issue that wont go away.My mother, I have been needing help with the most at this point.I have a drug addicted mother. She has been this way even in my childhood.I need to be able to tell you and I fear there is not enough room here.I’m still being abused and dont feel comfortable putting it all here.Is there somewhere I can get to that would be a little more private? And keep us both safe?
Dear Danielle,
Feel free to write to me at dreamfocused@earthlink.net, I would be happy to talk there.
I found a few sites that I hope can be of help to you: http://www.thecyn.com/drug-addiction/dealing-with-drug-addict.html
http://www.lifesupporters.com/forums/abuse-adults/living-alcoholic-drug-addict-597.html
Talk soon, Love & Peace,
Rebecca
I am reading some of the posts on here and I am curious. Do they ever change? Has anyone had any experience with their spouse abusing and then saying they want to get help and actually geting it and if yes does it help? Is there any hope?
Dear Denise,
Yes, if the person really wants the change they can. You can not want them to change, they must want it.
I found a site with some helpful information for you. I encourage a women that feels he may change to support him, just never stop putting your safety first. There is hope, even if he won’t change, you can.
I encourage women who have a spouse that sought help and has stopped battering to post here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Counseling Services: http://www.amendinc.org/ (sorry can’t get blog to link to sites today)
AMEND provides treatment for men voluntarily seeking or court-ordered into domestic violence counseling. Following an intake assessment, AMEND’s counselors design a treatment plan to help the client eliminate physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. The treatment plan focuses on identification and awareness of the problem; taking responsibility for the abuse; enhancing self esteem; building anger management, conflict resolution, communication, stress-management skills; and remaining chemically free. Specific group sessions discuss family of origin, addictions, sexuality, irrational beliefs, gender stereotypes, parenting, and more. Clients are seen weekly for individual or group sessions. Each session begins with a check on any current use of violence/abuse and alternative coping skills successfully utilized.
AMEND offers specialized counseling for those seeking anger management, parenting classes, Christian-based counseling, culturally-diverse group counseling and advocacy services for victims of domestic violence. We currently have offices located in Denver, Adams, Arapahoe, Douglas, and Jefferson Counties. All counseling services are offered on a sliding-fee scale.
I found this article on the site, the story brings the hope you may need.
My name is Tom.
I’ve had four domestic violence charges in my life which have changed my life drastically. I truly believe my past aggressive behavior was due to a learning process as a child, causing a lot of anger in myself, alcohol and drug abuse as a teenager through junior high and high school leading to fighting through irrational thinking, alcohol abuse from age 18 to 37 through both my marriages, which in turn led to divorce in both of them.
I do know that we can’t change the past. However, my physical and mental abuse to both of my ex-wives and four children, two of which are my natural children and two are stepchildren, could have all been avoided only if I knew then what I know now. I truly feel that no one, including pets, should live in fear in their own home. There is plenty of that to deal with outside our homes. We should feel that we have a safe place to go and feel comfortable and not on edge.
With my last domestic violence charge, I was expecting to go to prison and lose everything I had worked for my whole life. The judge ordered that I stay in the domestic violence classes with AMEND that I had started three weeks prior to my sentencing, a fine, and of course probation. I felt very lucky.
Before I started the domestic violence class prior to my sentencing, I totally evaluated myself. I put myself in my ex-wife’s place, my children’s place and my friends’ place. I felt real bad about hurting the people that were the closest to me. The sad part for them and to me is that they all hung in there with me as I continued to hurt them. I’m sure they expected that I would change. And I did not, not until I realized that alcohol, which led to my irrational thinking, such as jealousy, blame, and justifying all my irresponsible behavior, was a major contributor to most of my problems.
I realized at this point that the only one that could change me was me. I got tired of being involved with the court system, and decided I needed to take control of my life the best I can. I quit drinking . . . after all, I would only be cheating myself if I had not quit.
Through communication skills and learning to slow down on snap judgments, trying to understand where the other person might be coming from – this helps in family communications and also in general, everyday conversations that we all go through – I have realized that there are a lot of angles to the truth, not only mine. In turn I think it is very important to think things through with understanding before acting. I think a good example of trying to put ourselves in the other person’s place would be driving down the highway with someone tailgating and in a hurry. Maybe this person has a medical emergency of some kind or is just late for a meeting. If at all possible, I think that we shouldn’t play road games and let this person go by. There is no reason to be angered by this. It just may set the tone for the rest of the day or night, which in turn may backfire on us.
Another example would be a person physically or mentally abusing a person including a child or pet. If the abuser would stop and think of how they would feel on the receiving position, I think they would see that it is a very scary and confusing place to be – trying to understand how someone they could love so much, would treat them so badly. This will break down the trust and openness in a relationship of any kind, and gradually may lead to arrest, divorce and even death.
I think one way to deal with anger in this situation is to catch it before it escalates into something that we may regret for along time. Remember, once something is said, it’s hard to take back.
When I was younger, in elementary school, I would see my father physically and mentally tearing my mother down. This seemed like night after night, after the bars closed to 4 or 5 in the morning. My mom would never argue back for being in fear that she would get hurt physically by him. I felt real bad for her. All the time this was going on, I was learning this is the way to control someone through fear. As I got older I was turning into the kind of person that I had learned to hate. I really feel I was using alcohol and drugs to escape what I really should have become. I turned into someone who was always looking for a confrontation of some kind and hoping it would turn into a fight.
We all have options in our lives, and we are the only ones who can control our actions. We need to take responsibility for our actions . . . no one else can. However, I do know if we continue to make poor choices, the courts will gradually take control of our lives, and once we’re in the system, the only way out is to complete our sentence, unless we want to look over our shoulder for the rest of our lives.
Through the years, I didn’t think there was anything to change in myself. I always thought it would never happen again, I had a good grip on myself this time. But I didn’t, I always reverted back to my old self.
I was in an AMEND group for 3 1/2 years. I went for my mandatory 36 weeks, and was learning a lot about myself. I asked Nancy, my therapist, if I could stay, for I didn’t feel comfortable enough with myself. I continued to stay on Antabuse for a couple of years, which was my choice. Through the years in the class I have seen a lot of men go through the 36 weeks. I have yet to hear one of them regret being in the class. I have seen them get themselves back together and in return they are able to get together with their families on the right track, towards what a family life should be.
Not all men involved in domestic violence have families or are currently married; they may have abused a girlfriend, or wife which already may be a broken relationship when they start their classes. However, they do get themselves in the right direction for their next relationship through their own strong boundaries within themselves.
When I used to go to jail, I would think and say that she threw me in jail again. After I realized that the women I had been married to weren’t physically strong enough to pick me up and throw me in jail, I started to realize it must be my own behavior that got me there. This is when I was able to start working on myself at age 37. I sure have a lot of wasted years behind me, and this is the reason I stayed in the class.
Domestic violence affects everyone around us, right down to the police officer who makes the arrest. In my case, this is how alcohol, drugs, and domestic violence changed my life.