Aftermath of abuse – dealing with anger after domestic abuse

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Aftermath of abuse – dealing with anger after domestic abuse

July 8, 2007 by Rebecca

I wanted to write about the anger most woman have after finally getting free from domesti abuse and domestic violence. I had a woman write me today saying that she is so angry at herself and family that tells her the dreaded words, “Get over it.”

For the life of me I can’t imagine telling anyone to get over it about really anything. Okay, maybe a stubbed toe or a bounced check, but not about being verbally, physically and mentally tormented, most times for years and years.

My first piece of advice: immediately stop worry about what others think. This really applies to anyone in life but especially if you have been abused. If the person isn’t supporting you, I don’t care if it is your mother, sister or who ever, don’t talk to them about this at all. It will only make things worse.

Find others who understand. Not everyone will. Therapy, support groups, online support groups, sites like this one. Not one women on here would ever think of telling you to get over it because we have been there.

If you have car trouble you go to a mechanic, belly ache doctor, dealing with the aftermath of abuse, another abuse victim.

Below is a portion of the email I sent this reader, I am posting it to help you too:

First, I just have to say you should be so proud you found the strength to leave at all, many don’t.You already stated most of the reasons you are so angry and they all come down to you. You let this man in your life, you stayed with him and had kids, you blah, blah, blah. When you close your eyes at night it is the woman laying alone in the dark with you that you hate the most. It is normal to have such regret and guilt. The guilt and hatred at myself was the last thing to go. I hung onto that the longest. Even forgave him before I forgave me.

This is just my take on things, but as far as your family goes, the hell with them. If they can’t support you now when you most need it most, don’t waste your much needed strength on trying to convince them of a thing. You don’t owe anyone, anything. Find support with me, your therapy, message boards on here and off line groups. Your friends are the ones that will be there for you. I suffered alone for so long that opening up was really hard for me. I had met two supportive gals that insisted I talk and boy did I. I was the one that had minimized so much of what happened that when I would see there shocked faces at things I said I really realized how bad things were. I even made my therapist cry a few times. That was when I realized I was burying so much pain. You have hidden so much for so long that being allowed to talk will seem odd at first, then weight lifting.

The best way to move on (I never say get over it) is to write in a journal, read books that will help you heal, stay in the therapy and only concern yourself with the health and healing of those that matter, You and your daughter.You have been through hell and back and I promise if you worry about everyone else you will never heal. I am sure that you have been or will be labeled with PTSD, Post traumatic stress disorder, realize that is what men and woman at war come home with. You have been living in your own war and now you have to deal with the battle scars.

Try to always treat yourself like you would a best friend. Listen, never minimize and be kind. When you get angry at yourself think, would I do this to a friend?

I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take you down the road five years to see how far you have come but I can’t. Just imagine a day far from the pain you are in now.

It is normal to be so angry too. Accept the anger, it wants to be heard! If you ignore it and don’t deal with it, it will get worse and worse and you will blow up.Find a way to get the anger out. Kick boxing is great, or do something physical. Not only do you get to be angry but you work up a good sweat. Anytime you start to think of that awful husband, or family that doesn’t listen immediately replace it with, “What is something that I really want to be doing now?” Then do it.

Don’t allow yourself more than a few minutes to dwell on people and things that you can’t change. I would count to ten and then force myself to change what I was thinking of. Sounds really simple and silly but after a while it was normal and easy.

I went through so much of what you are dealing with now, anger, feeling alone, my son and I in therapy, depression and most of all my own guilt. After all I am the mother and should protect my son from evil people, not leave them with them.

The best gift that you can give yourself and your daughter is your health and healing. To remove the guilt that you have about how you lived shows your daughter how to move on from it by taking the time to be angry and to move through the stages. She will go through much of the pain thatyou are. It is like taking the time to grieve a death, in a sense you are. A brutal death. Be angry, then cry and be sad, then get angry some more, than feel guilty, then cry some more and the days will stack on top of another and one day you won’t be as angry and the guilt will start to fade and you will realize that you are smiling just because the sun is out and that you aren’t having horrible nightmares as often.

I promise, if you keep the focus on taking care of what is important like you and your daughter, forgetting everyone else, you will make it out of the darkness. Sad that often people, outsiders feel bad and want to get women out of abuse but many don’t realize that the aftermath can be just as damaging.

You are not alone, I will support you the best that I can and you will find the right people to support you in your daily life too. Really open up in counseling, it will free your soul to let some of this hurt go. Don’t hang onto it, it will keep you living in this violent self inflicted prison.

You are worth more than this world has shown you. Taking the courage to write a stranger as you have shows that. I hope to hear from you again. Take one day at a time and focus on what needs to be done for that day. Life will get overwhelming and you will breakdown, the trick is getting back up each time.

I would suggest reading some great self help books, the one I really enjoyed and read 3 times is Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters.” It will help you realize that your family won’t always be there and how to really dig deal to move past the issues you are having now.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

If you have supportive tips on this topic please share them. Your email is never placed on the site and I most times only email you back if you sound as though you are away from abuser of you give me permission.

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Posted in domestic violence-healing, motivational, healing from abuse, Goal Setting, emotional abuse, inspirational, how to heal from abuse, Inspire/Motivate, Resources | Tagged aftermath of abuse, anger in the aftermath of abuse, i am so angry, i left abuser by i am so anger, anger after abuse, dealing with anger, anger management, anger management after being abuse, anger at abuser, domestic violence and anger | 180 Comments

180 Responses

on May 18, 2013 at 7:10 pm Rebecca

Dear Jaimie,

I was so happy to see that you found this site. Can someone completely heal? I think that is up to the person, it took 10 years for me to stop having nightmares but I feel fully healed, some in my life will never understand why I continue to write about abuse and stay here but it is and will always be a part of me, I can’t leave all the other woman behind, feeling as alone as I did at one time, I need them to know there is someone out there that understands, even if just by a few words I write.

I have healed so yes, you can heal but it will take time. You are the one that decides what you think about and focus on. I decided to focus on healing my heart and self esteem, from there I set goals and kept going, I did lots of forgiving, to him, to me for staying and simple self love.

I wish you all the best in healing for your sake. keep in touch.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on April 23, 2013 at 5:27 am Jaimie

Hello, I am a victim of mental, emotional, a physical abuse. I came across your postgoogling to find books about overcoming abuse. It made so much since the way you explained the stages of healing. I think I’m almost there on recovering, but I do feel like I struggle with PTSD. I wonder i if someone completely heals? I have been away from my abuser for 3 years. I’m so glad I came across your post
on April 1, 2013 at 8:47 pm Rebecca

Dear Christina,

I am so very sorry for the death of your father and all that you have been through. The anger comes from not knowing what do with all of the anger you have over your mother and your father’s passing. Anger is normal, learning what to do with it is another thing. It takes times, don’t hate yourself over it. Find help, counceling, websites, there are lots of resources out there. My son, never a peep out of him, once his father, who was abusive to me was removed, he went nuts, didn’t know what to do with his anger.

If it time for you to have a good life, find how to deal with this anger, it can change your life. You are the one that gets to decide your actions, find new ways that you can live with. I wish you all the best, you have so much life to live, live it happy.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on April 1, 2013 at 8:44 pm Rebecca

Dear Michelle,

I was so happy that you wrote. We think we can just pretend things didn’t happy or bury them and move on, works for a bit but then the feelings surface again. The only way to rid yourself of the past is deal with it, heal, forgive yourself and then live the life you were meant to live. It is time to live and let go. I am so happy for all you have done, now enjoy it. Show your daughter a fully happy mother, she needs that.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 29, 2013 at 4:46 pm Michelle

Hi, I am not sure how to thank you for the above words that you have spoken. It feels at this moment it was directed at me. I have been alone for almost 8 years after a abusive marriage which lasted for 14 years. I took my daughter and thought I was going to start over. I am very successful in my job and have been climbing the corporate ladder but not for the right reasons. You see, I have been working to support her like a father is supposed to do. My family said “get over it” and I have tried but could not do it alone. The guilt set in because of my life not being ‘normal’ and I have pretty much closed down all my feelings until today. There always seemed to be a pattern with me. I coped ok on most days but yesterday just asked myself why do I still feel this alone, angry, guilty toward my daughter, worthless and much hurt all the time? It just came to me that I am not over the past and am still punishing myself. Thank you so so much. I hope the healing can begin so that I can smile about the sun coming up in the mornings!
on March 28, 2013 at 10:28 pm Christina

I had been put through so much abuse for at least 11 years of my life when I was living with my adoptive mother. Physical, mental, emotional, you name it, she did it to me. She would hurt me and have no regrets about it. She enjoyed making my life literally a living hell.

At 16, I ran away from home and lived in a woman’s shelter for two weeks. After that, I went to live with my dad. At first, it was awful because I was treating him the same way that my mother treated me. It took me a long time to calm down.
He gave me alot, even though I didn’t deserve it.

Now I’m 23 years old, and he just died last Sunday. He was only 59 years old. I’m still in so much pain from his passing, since we were so close.

But now, I find myself getting angry over the smallest of things. This has always happened and I have lost countless number of friends. I can’t control it, no matter how hard I try to. Once I get angry, it’s like someone takes control. Someone takes over and says stuff and I have knowledge of it, but I can’t stop them.

I’m so tired, I don’t know how much longer I can take.
on March 17, 2013 at 10:12 pm Rebecca

Dear Monica,

I am so sorry for all you have been through and are dealing with now. My husband died 1 and half years after being removed and I felt the same way, so very grateful he wouldn’t hunt me down and kill me or kidnap our son as promised, but devastated for my 5 year old son who just wanted to see daddy one more time. His family blamed me that he had a heart attack and died. I wasn’t the one that drank his entire life or beat his wife and tried to kill her, but to them, I broke his heart.

Time does heal many of the wounds, the pain lets up year after year as you fill your mind with other things. My son will always miss his father but he remembers the horror too.

Be proud that you left, be proud you want more. Don’t live your past anymore, that was enough for one life time.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 17, 2013 at 9:47 pm Rebecca

Dear Chavonda,

Sadly, yes, it is normal. It can be days after getting out or years, it can still be hard to get up and with life. Not just what you have to do but all that stuff trapped in your head, the pain, the what if, the what do I do now. So yes, it is is normal.

find ways to fill the void, healthy ways, read, write, find supportive sites like this online, start a blog, journal, what did you always want to do in life. What would you do over, who can you help? There are so many good things to focus on, find one. you must heal but you must have something worth doing to look forward to getting out of bed each morning. Can you help young girls to see the signs so they never get where you are?

Keep faith, keep feet moving and you will get there.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 17, 2013 at 9:38 pm Rebecca

Dear S,

That was so hard to read but I was happy at how really strong you sound. It is horrible to make the choice for that type of person again but allowing a long time to be alone helps make better choices.

You are right, get out early, when you see the warning signs or it is too late. I am sorry for all that you daughter went through, it is up to her now what she does with her life. I am not sure how you finally got out but I am so glad that you did. This makes us who we are, it becomes a big part of us.

We don’t need to share every detail, just knowing another understands you without judgement helps during the really lonely times. Having a cop be abusive is such an alone feeling for who do you turn to? There is lots of support out there, you just have to look. abuser is a cop

May you have all you dreamed in life, just a life where you feel save can be enough.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 17, 2013 at 9:33 pm Rebecca

Dear Deb,

When I hear a comment like that I can only say, I hope not. I hear from woman that counsel in DV shelters, lawyers, Dr and such, all trapped or had been trapped in abuse. I can say to you know, I would never live in that again with the signs I know now. Just smile and move on, until you have been through it, you don’t know any better.

You don’t need to take ownership of him, just of what you do from here out.

The best advise here, it doesn’t matter what others think. The end!

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 17, 2013 at 9:29 pm Rebecca

Dearest Sally,

That broke my heart, i am so sorry for all that you are going through. Anger is normal but you must find ways to deal with it or it will consume your life and your families.

Maybe hating yourself is the first step, that along with reaching out. Find ways to understand it, read all the books you can on dealing with anger after trauma. There is a well visited post on this blog Anger after domestic violence

Your body and mind don’t know how to deal with things so you lash out, I was never a violent person but in the aftermath I would have anxiety attacks and smash dishes and act like a crazy woman. I hated it but didn’t know how to stop it. I was determined I wasn’t going to live this way and basically read every self help book I could get my hands one, one of the first being. Dr. Phil self matters.

You may have PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, you lived in fear for so long, this is how you are dealing with it. This comment offers more support Healing my PTSD

Find support of those in your life. If your boyfriend is open, let him support you. Check with the abuse hotline to see if there is free counseling in your area.

Don’t give up on your life.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 17, 2013 at 8:47 pm Rebecca

Dear Marie,

So many woman do through exactly what you are going through. I still struggle to live in the moment, things have a way of staying with us. Remember, you are the one that gets to decide what you will think about, what record you will play over and over in your head. You can’t just get over things but you can find ways to deal with what you must and allow the rest to fall back into your past memories. If you haven’t had counceling I woudl strongly suggest that. It depends what stage you are at, how long you have been away from the abuse.

It is hard to find a man that melts into your life, you don’t want to lose the right one. It is up to you to heal yourself, not him. He will be there for you but you are right, some will only put up with crazyness for so long. Decide what you want, to struggle with what happened or find ways to be grateful and enjoy your life today. Read self help, set new goals, refuse to let your past ruin your future. This is easy for me to say not knowing you, I don’t know your exact demons, only you do.

It sounds like you don’t have to use that mouth to defend yourself anymore, so use it to keep the love you have in your life, use kinds words and gestures. Find what will make you happy today, that should be the goal in life, what can I do to make this day the best and do it.

Days will still be hard and sometimes the bad wins out, but if you try over each day you will get there. It is a hard road but it is worth being happy, do all that you can do to fight for a good life.

Let me know what I can do to help.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 17, 2013 at 8:41 pm Rebecca

Dear Carla,

I love to get comments like yours. It helps others see that yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I still have the scars but they are just part of who I am, they are not me. Don’t let the abuse define you any longer. Your children will never forget but they will heal and have a good life. It is exciting to see what tomorrow can bring when we don’t fear it.

So excited to hear from you.

Love & Peace Always,
Rebecca
on March 14, 2013 at 5:36 am carla

Rebecca,
I wrote to u last july and october on my emotional journey ending my awedul, 5 yr abusive relationshp.It was a long time coming out of the dark…but im free! Im aliv,ihave my life back. Ive learnedo live and love. And evryday gets better n better.Thank u forthe support when i needed everything i could get. The moments when i felt Iihad nothing.The despair n lonliness that was my life. Im grateful today. Ill always feel the scars it lefr on me, my childrens lives. But in the end, i made it out. Im free n grateful. And when i used to not want to see what tomorrow would bring, today i look forward to every single one. Peace and love from me to you . Xoxo
on March 10, 2013 at 4:37 am Marie

I’m not sure where to even look for answers, I am a 50 year old woman that has been in abusive relationships since I was 15, I have recently met and married a wonderful and loving man, with that being said I can’t seem to let the past go and I’m in fear of losing the one person that actually loves and respects me, I find my anger comes out so strong and over the slightest things, I have had to use my tongue to defend myself for so long that I don’t know how to let it go, sometimes I still feel like if I don’t lash out I’m gonna be the one that’s hurt , my husband tries to understand what I’ve been through but he can only take so much of my craziness , how do I deal with this before I lose the one good thing in my life, I’m so desperate for help, just don’t know where to turn .
on March 3, 2013 at 7:09 am Anonymous

this is a victims page…..jerry m, sorry for your excuses, or medication but seriously this is obviously not a webcite for u. It obviously bothers you that we have a place to express ourselves. Go live your life, dont get into “victims” webcite and complain that there are no webcites for the “abusers”…..seriously? you have got to be insane.
on February 25, 2013 at 4:46 pm Sally

I really need help. I had a child with my abuser. I finally escaped when my son was three months old. I went to the hospital after I escaped because I knew I would be beaten or killed if he found out when I was still living with him. The police came because he had raped me and fractured my nose. He was charged in court and faced a felony. Of course these two charged didn’t even scrape the surface of the things he did. I got full custody after an incredibly tough time. Finally in the criminal court he decided to offer a voluntary termination of his parental rights in exchange for dropping the felony charge and only receiving a misdemeanor charge. I felt guilty accepting it because I want to protect his next victim but I wanted the freedom for my son and I.

I am still going through this and the termination has not happened. The sentencing has been pushed back eight times and almost a year. I want to heal but I have so many ups and downs.

Now I am finding more problems. After thinking it would be over and that I was better I found the support and love my son and I needed in my high school boyfriend. I couldn’t be luckier but I am so ashamed. I am lashing out with rage I had no idea I had in me. My boyfriend said that he was afraid I would hit him!!! I don’t know what I have become but I hate myself more than ever and feel like I have become my abuser. I cannot be this person for the sake of my child. I need help and cannot afford therapy. This is close to the worst I have felt and I am filled with shame.

Can someone help?
on February 24, 2013 at 10:45 am deb

I left an abusive relationship 5 yrs ago one of the most anoying coments I get is from women is there is no way that they would “put up with a man like that” …I know this “idea” that im a weak stupid women is formed by ignorence but unless all women except that it happens to any women/man weak/strong, beautiful/ugly, stupid/inteligent, rich/poor ect ect …and it is the abusers problem only then they to could end up in an abusive relationship it can and dose happen to anyone!
Myself and child have been through …lived through..come out the otherside…a war zone and Im tierd of being forced into the ownership of my ex-partners violence …thankyou for giving me a voice rebecca x
on February 23, 2013 at 8:51 pm S

Hi my name is S and my ex husband is a cop. Just want to thank you and all the others out there who shared their experience. I just feel like I have “no words” . Guess because I feel and KNOW if I were to ever threaten him with the truth I would die. The worst is watching him, me half unconscious about to beat me to death in a concealable way because I had dared to challenge his Internet hook ups. But first he dragged my daughter out of bed to watch. I knew he would kill me then her and ultimately himself. The last thing I remember is the way his eyes went from black to almost alive. I believe the only reason we (the 3 of us) are here today is best case: the hand of GOD,,, worst case: his narrcissim. The truth is he didn’t want to die that night so we didn’t. I lived an incredibly unbelievable brutal existence for 15 years. Oh the “stories” I NEVER told anyone. My greatest sorrow isn’t my own pain but what I have taught my daughter. I truly had no other options. She understands it and at some points even tried to force the situation to an end. However… She still is in contact with him. He still manipulates her. Girls out there… Have hope, make a plan, (took me 6 years) get out and don’t allow the shame to define your life. I really have no hope that anyone other than y’all could ever understand my choices. That’s why I have no words and try to move on. I after 1 year found a boyfriend who “loved” me. Right back to the same thing. But the good news is I saw it, took me a year of red flags but I saw it! Still miss him still hurts and the anxiety from making another choice like that is overwhelming. But I SAW IT!!! Live strong and do what these girls say me…. I got secrets … I gotta keep… but thanks for letting me tell the truth here.

XOXO
S
on February 8, 2013 at 9:25 am Chavonda

I been feeling so empty so alone I’m just going threw it so bad ( It’s like I can’t get up is this normal?
on February 4, 2013 at 3:58 am Monica

Reading people’s comments make me realize I was not alone. I was with my husband for 17 years. We had three children together and he was so abusive I thought I deserved it. The manipulation and mind games are unbearable. The cheating and lying was just as bad. The physical abuse and mental torture is unforgivable. I left him a couple of years ago. He begged me back almost everyday. Recently he committed suicide. The letter blames me. I don’t know how to feel or how to make my kids pain go away. I feel sorry for him yet at the same time I now feel relieved because he will never hit me, verbally abuse me or be a threat to myself and our kids. I’m angry that I stayed, proud that I left and hurt he could leave 3 precious children behind. I still look in the mirror and think I’m ugly. I still have chipped bones, broken teeth and scars. I am not sure how I should feel…
on January 30, 2013 at 12:51 am Rebecca

Dear Jerry,

I really thank you for posting. It was honest and heartfelt. Since you wrote, I have to respond with my thoughts. As an abused woman, it bothered me to hear you say multiple times,, but at least I never abused her, physicality that is. When you fully realize how you can abuse someone with never laying a finger on them …

You wrote: Again, I NEVER hit her, or caused any physical damage…other than somemaor shove matches, grabbing, verbally abusing, and attacking the walls & doors in my home….

How is what you wrote not physical? I appreciate that you are sharing so much here but full honesty with yourself is needed, you abused her full on.

I do understand the issues that some medications can cause as I have a loved one that has dealt with this, totally get the anger and the outbursts, even though meds are involved, it still ends up falling on you, same as alcohol or other things.

I too am glad that is isn’t the way you are, that you may never abuse, verbally or physically another person. There are sites out there for you keep looking, I am not judging you for what happened, what matters is what you do with all that knowledge. If you can’t find a site that supports you, create one like I did, support others, fight to have warnings about what you went through. Do something of substance with what you went through. When you help others to stop abuse of any kind, especially focused on your situation, you will help many.

Make something good come from what you and your mate went through. I hope that you can come to terms that you and your wife may never likely make it together. What you did to her may not be something she can come back from. Give her lots of space and let her make that decision. You are suffering with such guilt, you may need a year or two alone, time to heal and get back to the man you were before. Don’t let this define you, let it remind you of what you want in your life.

I wish you all the best.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on January 30, 2013 at 12:36 am Rebecca

Dear Treana,

Your story is very heartbreaking. I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with. I am happy this site brings you some little comfort. It is a horrible time to feel so alone. It saddens me what we allow another to take from us. Do what you need to get your life back, it will be worth it.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on January 17, 2013 at 12:43 am jerry m

I’d like to pipe in, as a former unintentional “abuser” myself. I had a nice relationship with a lovely woman, we had been together for nearly 2 years, and worked together on TV programs, music videos and other video projects, lived together , saved animals, were engaged & traveling. We were having a pretty good time. about a year and a half in? I began having chronic cluster migraine headaches, every day, non-stop.The pain was beyond excruciating, and I had to turn to a powerful drug called IMITREX to stop the headaches. It worked, and stopped the pain, but? I had to take the medication constantly, every 4 hours, 50 mgs. This powerful drug controls these unexplained headaches by narrowing the blood vessels in the brain (as well as al thru the body, even the heart)…thereby reducin blood and oxygen flow to the brain. I was finding myself having terrible fits of rage and violent outbursts shortly after taking the medications. I was taking this medicine “un-prescribed” from my Mother & Fathers previous prescriptions, and was getting frequent refills, as the pain continued. I had NO idea that it was so dangerous and mind altering. Imagine the bloodflow being cut off to the parts of the brain, decision making departments & other areas werent getting nearly the oxygen & bloodflow they needed…on a daily basis, for over 5 months.
My fiancee and I would have a semi-normal argument, and she’d become insulting or say something nasty & aggrivting..I would start pounding my fists thru the drywall in anger, begin yelling and screaming verbal insults & namecalling…and eventuially, when things escallated? I would grab her & hold her down, screaming in her face, she’d yell back and I’d put my hand over her mouth to quiet her, whiloe screaming terrible, over the top bad stuff to her…
I NEVER EVER HIT HER, or even slapped her…it was wrestling & grabbing…pushing her against the wall and pressing myself up to her, to get in her face. While in the middle of these “pharmaceutical” rages? I’d catch myslef, and immediately was horrified as to what I was doing. As if I’d left my body, and went into this out of mind state of anger & violence. THANK GOD i never hit her or slapped her…(not in my glossary), but I had NO idea what was happening to me. I was instantly apologeticm and felt terrible…even though the argumants were over previous infidelity & lies? Serious hostility & physical assault were un-necessary.
The IMITREX i was taking was causing Transient ishemic attacks, or Micro-strokes, while cutting off the bloodflow into my brain. It turns out I was taking nearl;y 300 mg’s a DAY of this drug. nearly 3 pills a day, when you’re really only supposed to have no more than 9 (nine) pills a month. I was taking that many in 4 to 5 days. Almost 7 times the normal doseage. On top of the headache pressure still silently raging in my head, the pills were totally dulling the actions & reactions of my entire brain. Uncontrollable fits of anger & agitation were happening about once a month, and were suspicuously centered around her time of PMS (which she suffers from severely) and frequent arguments would happen.
These incidents scared the crap out of her. and finally, she left and moved out, thinking I had just “lost” my mind and I was simply a raging lunatic. Neither of us had any idea that this medication was starving my brain for oxygen & blood.
In the following week, I was overwhelmed with sadness and stress, and began having severe panic and anxiety attacks, that she had left. I thought I was losing my mind. I went to the ER and said i was having chest pains AND the headaches which continued on and on…and that I was taking IMITREX about 5 to 6 times a day…for 5 months. The doctors FLIPPED out and immediatley began chest x rays, mri’s of my brain, and STOPPED the imitrex, replacing it with high doseage of morphine & dilaudid, to cmbat the pain, while the initrex was being phased out. It also turns out thet the IMITREX creates REBOUND headaches, the brian creates a new headache, to “get” the drug. and its a viscious cycle that neraly killed me. They administered Nitroglyverin to reopen the bloodflow to my heart, i nearly had suffered heart failure, the damage to my brain is evident in the MRI pictures, showing over 60+ white “spots” the neurologist said were mini-strokes…and were indeed interfering with my behavior & decision making parts of my brain. Responsible for my uncontrolled outbursts and weakened state of mind.
I was also now suffering thru severe depression becaus of the breakup and also terribly bad sense of guilt and disbelief, that I couldve behaved so angrily & violently towards a woman I LOVE so much. Not even realizing the fear and pain I was causing her.
The verbal insults and abuse seem to have been more destructive than the physical acts of fighting, after going thru 5 months of therapy, with and without my EX.
She still says she loves me, and I love her very very much, and we’ve been trying t pick up the pieces, especially Now that its been discovered what allowed me to lose my temper so badly.
I no longer suffer from the cluster migraines, and have been OFF of the imitrex for 5 months, I NO longer have the anger & rage problems, but I’m still suffering form depression & anxiety attacks, over the intense GUILT I have over the whole scenario.
We still arent officially back together, as the ANGER and pain SHE is suffering from is still a factor. Its an incredible story, and its brought to my attention the reality of pharmaceutical drugs and how hey can affect peoples behavior, and the dire results that almost ANY medication, in overdose, can affect the brain and the way we act.
Again, I NEVER hit her, or caused any physical damage…other than somemaor shove matches, grabbing, verbally abusing, and attacking the walls & doors in my home….but the fear that a violent outburst can put into someone is frightening.
I am NOT an intentional abuser, and have tonms of remorse and HORROR as to how badly these drugs changed me. I WILL NOT take anti-depressants strictly because of the what happened, and its a FACT that antidepressants will NOT fix “situations” in your life..only chemical inbalances…they are alos so widely over-prescribed that they’ve become the number 1 cause of death in the USA.
Therapy and studying, counseling and healing, apologizing and understanding have beent he BEST tools to help us both thru this mess.
Just to pipe in, and say that soemtimes, there ARE hidden and unknown reasons for people to enter into physical & verbally abusive situations, and MANY times, drugs (street or doctor prescribed) can be the underlying cause of mental disorders. Take ANY normal person, and ADD a 12 pack of beer to them (i dont drink).,..and SEE the instant changes that occur. Now, take that same person and ADD any of the many popular psychotropic drugs that the doctors are handing out like CANDY, and see what happens.
The mirror tells no lies. Reflectiona dn monitoring ones own behavior , counseling and therapy (with the RIGHT therapist) is the key.
I just thank god that this isn’;t “just the way I am”.
After reading about alot of stories of domestic abuse? I see that there is LITTLE OR NO sympathy or counseling options for the ABUSERS, Mostly only fot rhe “victims”. Once someone has done ANYTHING violent or mean.,..MOST websites
on January 16, 2013 at 6:20 pm Treana

I truly felt alone lost untill I came on to your site to break it down fast my abbuser already had convictions I never knew I had three children but was married before had four chilldren in 1997 he punched me in back of head in 2000 I lost 16 year old daughter she was dragged under a bus he raped me night after and was diagnozed with dystonia same year the hugs from losing a child were beatings fear rape torture I got rid in 2009 but hell still today has social worlers let me down moved but police beat me up cos tremured with dystonia and locked my 13year old in bed room saying this gonna be piece of piss then beat me but let me go asking am I gomnna press chargees
on December 20, 2012 at 10:32 am Rebecca

Dear Deb M,

Thanks for clearing up the name confusion. You sound like a very strong woman. Many woman give everything to thier children, especially when in abuse, it is our survival I guess. I remember filling my thoughts with anything other than my deamons when I was first alone. I was terrified to be alone with my thoughts. I had no idea why I started having horrible anxiety attacks, the thought of being alone with my thoughts was overwhelming to me. Now, I long for the solitude.

I agree don’t wait to get well. It all starts with you. If you care to share, so exactly what did you to finally start to get well, specifics. There are so many women that post here that just don’t know where to start. I offer what I did but need the advice of others too.

Be well and live that life for you Deb M.

Love & Peace,
on November 28, 2012 at 2:43 am Deborah M

I have not written here in about a month however I just got the response e-mails and want to clear up the name confusion, call me Deborah M. There was a post from Deb regarding her daughter and my voice on being a mother with a minor child is to protect that child at all costs. I almost think it would have been easier to get away from the violence if my children were with me, no I absolutely know it would have been. If my children were with me I wouldn’t have had to suffer because I would not have been alone. Confusing? I learned through counseling that for me, I built my world around my children and that is my one true blessing. They are wonderful people today, however because I was lost in them and when they were grown and on their own, I was vunerable once again. I could not protect myself from my own demons. I only knew how to protect my loved ones. I did not know what I do today and it didn’t take me long once I saw the love I gave, I had to give that back to myself. Three quarters of my life, I lost myself in others to avoid the pain. Alone with the demon of abuse brought the power to end that once and for all. What I did not know, I had that all along. My children had not seen my pain because I shielded them from it. Don’t wait to get well. Protect what is yours and there is help out there, it starts with you.
on November 28, 2012 at 1:52 am Rebecca

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for writing, I know it was hard. I felt the same way, we stay hidden in shame so long then someone we don’t know wants us to tell them everything. I thought it was nuts, I used to make the counselor cry. Soon you will realize you won’t die it you open up. It actually frees you from some of the pain. You don’t feel so alone in the pain. Share here, it is easy when you don’t know the others in real life. What helped me the most in the early stages were 2 friends that let me vent non stop. They encouraged me to talk, I felt so bad when I would say things and they just looked stunned. Then I realized some stuff was just for counseling. I could say anything I wanted and not feel judged. Start to journal, that is a good way to open up and be honest with yourself.

Anger is hard but sometimes needed. Learn ways to get it out or it can eat you alive and prevent you from every moving on. Stay in touch, we are here to support you.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on November 28, 2012 at 1:37 am Rebecca

Wow, Dear Deborah,

That was so moving. Thank you for sharing so much of what you are doing. You are a true inspiration to others here. You made it, she can too. No contact is what some, most need. If not that toxin in there all the times. I applaud you and love to hear inspiring stories of strong woman who have come out on the other side. You will have an amazing life for sure. Thanks for writing, love to hear from you again. You will move many on here with your wisdom. Many woman have the hardest time in the first few weeks and months being alone with their thoughts.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on November 28, 2012 at 1:25 am Rebecca

Dear Deb,

This one was hard to respond to, I didn’t know what to say. I do my best, I am human and never meant to make you feel this way. I am one woman answering hundreds of posts from all over. I offer the advice I can with what I have read. Yes, support is hard to find, I am not the answer to all but I do what I know to do at the moment. I lived the life of others here, almost killed, ten years seclusion, the whole package. I may not always say the rights things but I talk from my heart and do my best.

I pray that you find the support that you need, even if it is not here.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on November 28, 2012 at 1:22 am Rebecca

Dear Deb,

Forgive me for taking so long to respond, can be hard to keep up at times. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, especially your daughter. Why does she allow this? What she has lived through and seen, she knows what she was taught. Not sure your entire story but the impact is on her too. Can you get her into counceling, help her journal, encourage her to open up, that is the best thing for both of you. You don’t want her ending up in an abusive home again because she feels it is her destiny.

I understand you had no choice and I have to say, the hell with what others say. I hope they are never in the shoes we have worn so well. It is easy to say this until you are in it. I had wondered how my mother stayed, then I stayed much longer and regretted so much. You are not alone Deb. I know you have written before, had to keep names straight at times but I recognize the email address.

You are doing the right things, one day at a time. It hurts and takes time but it will be worth it in the end.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on November 7, 2012 at 12:20 am Rebecca

Dear Carla,

thank you for posting. The site was written with someone like you in mind. I remember feeling so along so long ago. I was so isolated I had no idea how many woman lived the way that I did. Reach out for support, there is so much out there compared to before. What stage are you at?

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on October 27, 2012 at 10:35 pm Rachel

What a revelation this site is…. I have just stumbled across this site by accident but it sums up the last 9 months for me.
I left my husband on Jan 24th 2012 after years of physical and mental abuse. I am one of the lucky ones as we didnt have any children. But still 9 months I havent cried i cant cry, i would be in trouble if I did. I cant feel anger in fact I cant feel anything just existing in a void.
I still feel under his control even though we dont speak. Im in counselling now but its so hard opening up Ive kept all my feelings hidden for so long letting anyone in doesnt feel comfortable in any way
on October 24, 2012 at 1:22 am Deborah

Carla, I too have had to learn that sometimes closure means that we ourself have to close the door with no return from our abuser. I struggled with this for months, sharing here on this site as well as in therapy. I continued to voice my truth to the point that it echoed back. What I learned is that while we want him to change and wait and accept apologies to only feel disappointed and overwhelmed with all of the wreckage and uncertainty. For me, I woke up one day in terror as he tried everything in HIS POWER to get me back aside from the one thing that would have saved our relationship and that was his accountability..doing something about his behavior. He never offered that, not once in 5 yrs and many a brutal beatings with jail time and never once did he say what I needed to hear…I am truly sorry and I am doing something about the way I treat you. It was forced through courts. If HE wanted change and truly loved me that should have been his plan of action. My closure began with me that day when the fear wore me down and I knew that NO CONTACT would set me free with respect for closure. It was my closure as his would have resulted in beating me down to either homocide or suicide. Got a restraining order with no contact to truly protect my vunerability and moved forward with my dreams and goals because if I could give me half of what I gave him, I will be O.K. Carla it’s only been a few months and I am happy to tell you I truly laugh, accept compliments. have connected with both old and new friends and realize that while this is painful it is also healing just knowing that love means so much more than what we accepted. He doesn’t know what love is however you do because you loved him and he did not deserve your true version of love.
on October 22, 2012 at 4:34 am carla

Thank you Rebecca. I am thankful to have found your website. While it saddens me that I am not the only woman going thru this, it helps to connect to anyone who can relate. I know ill be ok one day. And I truly am grateful for your support.
on October 22, 2012 at 1:17 am Rebecca

Dear Carla,

I can hear your pain, I am so sorry and wish that I had the magic words to heal you. I don’t know why we continue to care of love someone that hurt us so. For me, I too was so sure that God wanted me to be with this man because I was the one that could help him, it was supposed to be me. The biggest lesson I learned from my husband was that you can’t change anyone but yourself. Look how hard it is when you know you do something you shouldn’t and you try to change. It is impossible to change another unless they want the change.

As far as loving him, just love him but demand more out of your life. Accept it, not how that sounds but okay, you still long for him, why, we don’t know, you are in mourning, mourning of the marriage you thought it would be, mourning of the man you fell in love with. Mourning of a death of your marriage.

Mourn, be sad, be angry and then move forward, a little bit at a time, let the little bits of therapy that are helping work their way into your life.

This doesn’t get better over night, you are the one that decides what you will think and what you will focus on. If you choose to pine for the man that hurt you so badly than so be it, if you chose to think of how you want your life to be, the so bit it too. There is a man out that there you will love even more that treats you how you deserve. Stop trying to wish you could fix him and fix yourself, you deserve the efforts, not him.

Wish you all the best, I sincerely do.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on October 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm carla

Dear Rebecca
I wrote to you in July about learning to forgive myself after my abusive marriage. And its been nearly 4 months of grief not only from
Him but within myself. My heart aches. I feel very alone and confused. While I am aware of the abuse and the confusion it creates in your life…I feel like the aftermath of this all seems like it will never end. I feel as if I am in a dark hole and no one understands the feelings I have. I’m very confused about why I continue to love my husband even after his aweful cruelty. I don’t know how or why I could miss him. I long for the love and glimpse of the man I met yet has disappeared. I am guilty in feeling like I couldn’t fix him or my marriage despite giving 100%. And knowingly in unhealthy ways of the constant reassurance and pleading for his behavior to stop. There are so many unanswered questions…the whys. And I am trying to find peace in the fact that ill never know why he treated me like he did. I look at our daughter and feel sad and guilty when she says she wants daddy home. All of these things make it so hard to let go emotionally. Unlike a lot of story’s I read; I don’t hate my abuser. I don’t hate my husband. But I feel as if I’m being forced to let go of my marriage. I’m being forced to end all my dreams of a life I wanted with him. I have no choices. I do realize it was him who is forcing me. He did this. I hate having no answers. I hate that I couldn’t fix him. I just want to know when this sadness and ache will go away. I want to be angry! But its impossible Bc all I do is long for him. What is wrong with me??? I need closure. I need to move past. I am in therapy but it doesn’t really fix this. I cry all the time and wonder when that day will come that I will feel alive again. Just happy. I never imagined it would be this hard just to exist after ending it. I had no idea. I know one day
on September 24, 2012 at 10:56 pm Rebecca

Dear K,

Glad you found this place too. I am sorry for all that you have gone through and are still dealing with, like everything else, time will help you heal from most things. There are many that understand, but unless they have been abused, they can’t fully comprehend the emotions you are dealing with. Feeling judged, the only judgement that matters is your own. Just like the abuser, you decide how much control he has over you know. Don’t let another person allow you to feel guilty, if you need to feel guilty it should be your own doing. Guilt is just another form of self torture. Haven’t you had enough already?

Take the time to heal properly, I haven’t even begun to forgive myself after a year. I was just learning to breath again. Find the support to get you through all that you are going through. Therapy is great for most things but you still need other support.

Please let us know how we can support you.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm K

Reading what you’ve written on the anger and guilt we suffer after leaving abusive relationships has helped me a great deal today. I put an end to my abusive marriage a year ago, and I got along fine at first. It was a long period of relief after a decade of overwhelming stress, fear, and heartache caused by being with someone who showed utter contempt toward me for even the slightest of missteps (both real and imagined). Since then I’ve noticed that as my relief fades, my anger and guilt have been building. Therapy has not really helped, but I’ve come to realize on my own that most of my anger has stemmed from two facts: 1) There is no one in my life that understands why I still hurt so deeply from everything that was inflicted on me, and 2) I feel judged and guilty for having allowed the marriage to continue for as long as I did. These two issues have increasingly made my life as difficult to deal with as being married to my ex did, more so in some ways. I’m grateful to know that I’m not the only one who experienced this type of aftermath, although I’m sorry anyone else has had to go through it.
on September 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm deb

Ive only just read your previous posts i posted before more to do wirh the effect of domestic violence on my child than me…she was my focus always and why i left for good4yrs ago i gather from your reply u thought i was the same deb …now pls forgive this hun if u have been through same demon i lived wiv and moved on and offered help..respect..totally but can you really see how little help out there there is ? Just by your kind but tierd reply morea tion needs to be taken thanks
on September 23, 2012 at 7:30 am deb

Ive dealt with the shame humiliation others constantly sayin “i wouldnt have put up with it” like im a mug no one has any understanding that i had no choice …i deal with it…what i cant deal with is the way my little girl allows other kids to hit her how she just cant allow her self to feel or open up …it kills me…WHY …
on September 23, 2012 at 1:48 am Rebecca

Dear Deb,

Not much more can be said. You lived it and you know it. We need to teach our young girls to value themselves first. Had I learned as a child that this wasn’t normal, maybe I never would have continue to see this man that was a drunk from day one.

Thanks for sharing all that you do. Have the best life ever, that is the sweetest revenge.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 14, 2012 at 2:45 am deb

Rebecca,
I am growing and recognize that it is a process, however it was a suicide mission in that process. Why did I risk my life hoping for him to change, isn’t my life just as important? By the time most of us “Get that” our lives are in shambles. It’s a lonely place when you feel shame and cannot talk about the truth with anyone…it echoes back “I told you so” that doesn’t feel good. We pretend that we are so in love and everything is perfect and in part, it’s what we need to believe to survive the reality…that it is not at all ever doing to work or being perfect. Thats what we want however that is DENIAL…pure and simple. Years back I was an addictions counselor and I see similiar stages in the abusive relationship being played out. Interestingly enough my sister was married young like me however her husband was physically abusive at the begininning and she turned to drugs and alcohol…never recovered over a 20 yr. period I took her to every detox I could find and I couldn’t save her. The comment at the last detox was made to me…you want this she doesn’t. You have to let her go. She was a prisoner to her pain for 20 yrs and passed away in November due to liver failure from alcoholism…Just 40 yrs old and 4 children who never got to know her. She never held a job or had any quality life. She kept running to the next love of her life…abuser. She maybe be at peace finally and I believe her parting this earth way too young left me stronger. I saw my own life suffering…no one believed my fantasy and I took that one last ditch effort to say to Mike…value us or WE are over. He couldn’t do that…Police were called and I took control back every time until it became dangerous…For most, by the time you call the police you let another controlling force in telling the abuser he is not in control. Big mistake with a narcissist…ITS ALL ABOUT ME HE SAYS….The war is on and it’s time for you to find safety. The violence always escalates…it’s always there…you may not be hit physically however the words…. the fear…cause the fight or flight feeling. I agree with with flee. I don’t want to win this war. We cannot change these men however we can change our destiny. I am a young 45 with a great job and told I am bueatiful all the time but when he says it there must be some hidden agenda…truth be told the world see’s us for who we are…HE see’s at the moment what he feels…we are beautiful…ugly…fat…too skinny….Mind twisting. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO GET OUT. HIS WORDS ARE LIES…ALL OF THE TIME…HE NEEDS MORE HELP THAN WE CAN GIVE AND WHEN WE GIVE UP SO DOES HELP…BECAUSE HE IS TOO LAZY TO WANT TO BE WELL…THAT IS WORK. If your abuser said to you I am wrong I need help and actually got it…from a distance and over time and persistent work…maybe. Without his commitment for change and acknowleging HE IS WRONG>>>NOT YOU. IT’S LIP SERVICE. Think about the last time you truly felt peace, laughter, belief in self, strong in any way…get out and exercise, spend time getting to know you, earn some extra cash…go shopping…alone, take care of your health…make your dr and dental appts. read…see the sun set. see the stars at midnight…watch funny movies…cook for the family that has built your empty nest…read mindless magazines…take vitamins and eat well…listen to your music…loud or soft. I GOT CARRIED AWAY, this is however what I DO TODAY. YOU ARE WORTH REDISCOVERY…YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW…TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK…HOW HARD WILL IT BE WITHOUT HIM? I HAVE THE ANSWER… WE GRIEVE THE LOSS…REALIZE THE GAIN AND BEGIN TO LOVE OURSELVES AS WE ARE GOOD . Have SO MUCH TO OFFER…LET US HEAL. AND MAY MY SISTER KIM BE IN ..,.,EVERLASTING PEACE. i AM A SOURCE OF STRENGTH, REBECCA IF IT WERE NOT FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU…the world would be a much quieter place…WE NEED OUR VOICES HEARD AND THANK YOU FOR THIS SITE. STRENGH IN NUMBERS…WE ARE NEVER ALONE..DO NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE.
on September 13, 2012 at 12:33 am Rebecca

My Deb,

I hear you grow each time you write. Your post touched me, I am so proud of you. May others find the strength you have. Enjoy that life you have taken back. Live big.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 12, 2012 at 2:49 am deb

Strong words and words to live by I allowed him to do this…while in the chaos I did however, I wanted him to love me I have taken my damn life back thanks to you and my therapist. The anger comes from knowing the difference and not taking control even when you have and the abuser sees it as abuse towards them by calling the police…involving the law and exposing their secret. The guilt I allowed him…He chose to hurt me everytime and every way what and whatever convenient to him…I let that in the back door every time…We have the power to stop this and have to use it…not allow it. We are in control of our own life and there is no love in abuse. I choose my own destiny and theres so much life left in me and goals I need to achieve so that empty love is not an option…I need safety and have it. Now that I am away from …him. I want it and have it so I can never forget how that feels inside…to feel safe…I have too much to live for…cannot feel empty in love…there is no such thing…love is not empty…abuse is. My gratitude to you Rebecca and all posted…on my way…love you all…love yourself…you are worth it…don’t give up and use this powerful site. Right time…Right Place…You are ready when you visit this site…take that as a warning…if trouble is brewing…it will…we have dealt with the pain. Story is similiar…end result…disaster. We visit here and its text book. The only answer we need is the truth…take your life back…all stories the same…endings different…no way to live…You have the strength to visit this site now TAKE YOUR DAMN LIFE BACK… As Rebecca told me It truly is yours and worth living…
on September 11, 2012 at 10:37 pm Rebecca

Dear Kim,

I am glad that you finally told your family. Don’t expect them to understand all you went through. Unless you have been abused and tormented in this way it is really hard to comprehend. They need to know that at times you need to vent. Vent with someone that understands, counceling, support groups, this blog. Share with those that understand what you have been through and what you are dealing with.

Keep your family for the future, being there to support you in your recovery. They will grow to understand, don’t push it all on them.

It doesn’t get better over night. It can take years. Not sure how long you have been away but cut yourself some slack. We get to decide what we focus on. What are you focused on when you wake up? What thoughts are you having during the day? If you start writing them down, bet they are crap thoughts, old records playing of what happened.

Change the record, put better thoughts in there. read any self help book you can get at,. Dr. Phil, Tony Robbins, go to youtube.com and find inspiring speeches. To this day, 15 years later, I still need daily inspiration to keep me focused or I can easily get depressed and lose focus.

One day at a time. You can do this, you can. School will come, stop pushing yourself.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 11, 2012 at 10:29 pm Rebecca

Dear Deb,

Wow, hell of a time you are having. We can just handle a day at a time never know what it will be. I would rather die trying to live then to stay and die for sure. Be safe above all else.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 1, 2012 at 7:07 pm Kim

In my college years I was in a relationship with my first love we were together for two years and for the second year he was nothing but physically and mentally abusing me in every aspect. I could not get away. We finally broke up and he did nothing but find me and try to hurt me, by being physical or mentally crashing me down to nothing. I became severely depressed and this lasted for another two years. For those times in college, I failed out because of lack of motivation and lost a bunch of friends due to the fact I was keeping this all a secret. My parents just had thought I lost weight, and I would always use the excuse for my grades is ” I will try harder”. Finally, back in January I confessed to my family everything that I had been going through for the past four years. They were heartbroken at first and so were the few close friends I had told. They wouldnt allow me to finish my last year up at school due to the fact that is was dangerous to be in that atmosphere.

However, now Im still in a rut. I feel as though I cant pick myself up. I have tried therapy and although it works I still feel as though something is missing. Im angry with my parents the most because they still cant fathom everything that has gone on in the past. I have become to lose all faith in ever returning to school. Anger is the biggest problem. I need help dealing with it.

If anyone has any advice for a young adult. {Please help, I am open to anything.

Thanks,
KO
on September 1, 2012 at 6:45 am deb

rebecca,
thank you all of the time spent on research and support made me strong enough to get that restraining order as if he would really leave me alone. I was his soul source to take the anger out on. I barred that priviledge. You are right I am in control and as scary as it is I march forward. he has broken into my home since our last blog and verbally abused me fearing for my life as I know he knows he is about to blow. Took that warning dialed 911 he was removed and came back so tonight i feared the worse and the police helped me get the order. I may not be safe entirely as it is a piece of paper…it is my tool to have him locked up.so i can continue on. its not about him its about me now. thank you so
on August 29, 2012 at 12:32 am Rebecca

Dear Mimi,

That make sense. We care about the men and woman that hurt us. We can’t tolerate being hurt, bottom line.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 28, 2012 at 8:55 am Anonymous

Rebecca,

Because a sort of friendship still existed.

Mimi.
on August 28, 2012 at 1:54 am Rebecca

Hi Mimi,

That is heavy. You have every right to be angry at him. There sounds like there is much more going on than you are saying. That is fine. You get to decide what you want in your life. If you don’t love him why haven’t you left? That is a stupid questions but one that still needs to be asked.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 28, 2012 at 1:12 am Rebecca

Dear Deb,

Thanks for letting me know my words helped. Keep in touch, you will get there one day at a time.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm Mimi

Dear Rebecca,

I don’t know what I am doing. My ex, who was suppose to be the most honest and admirable person I had ever known just confessed that he tried to have sex with me in my sleep. i cannot recall any of it. He tried touching me without my knowledge.

When I asked him to just tell me what he was hiding, I hadn’t expected this. That is why when he made me promise that I wouldn’t think low of him, I did. And now I am so mad, I can’t stand the sight of him. I want to slap him so hard but I am forced to keep my cool because I promised.

He tells me his intentions were pure, what the hell is that supposed to mean? He tells me that he loves me and since I did not love him back, he thought this was the only way he could be one. He tells me that he respects me and loves me, but what kind of respect does he have for me? The kind where he’d go as far as this and then make it look like it was all my fault?

I despise him. I cannot trust anyone else. I thought this guy was like “The Model” of true love, and I always felt that I was too unlucky to not realise it. But knowing this I don’t know if true love exists at all. Does everyone want sex? Is that all?

What do I do?
I am so angry and hurt. I want to die.

Help.
on August 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm deb

Thank you Rebecca,
Your honesty is exactly what I need. Thank you and when I am weak I will re-read these words.
on August 22, 2012 at 1:04 am Rebecca

Dear Deb,

sorry so long to respond, especially since I have already approved other comments you have left. I am glad you found this site and hope that we can offer you some support. As much as I would like to say erasing him from your mind is the answer it isn’t. I believe in being honest, you are writing me so I will offer my thoughts. Again, I don’t know you and this doesn’t come with judgement, I have been there and back. But erasing him and what happened is a sure fire way for you to allow it back into your life. Minimize it, pretend it didn’t happen, drink and drug it away and it is sure to repeat itself some where down the road of your life.

By standing fully present in what happened and taking one day at a time to come of of those ashes is the only way to remove him from your mind. For years I couldn’t think of him for I would have a full out anxiety attack. I would play things that happened over and over in my mind. Why, when I was finally free did I invite him back in? What on earth was I thinking. read this agian, I, I, I. I am the one that allows him back in, I am the one that decided to forgive him for he was worth me that I. I am the one that decides what I think about today. I am the one that has decided my life was meant for more than thinking of him.

You touched me tonight for some reason, write words, right time. Don’t forget what happened but heal from it, take your damn life back. Each day you spend wishing you could have done more of figured him out is another day further from feeling better and regaining your life. You deserve it, you deserve to feel safe in your own home, your own skin. Granted he doesn’t deserve the time of day from you, but that is for you to decide.

Remember, he is not doing this to you, you are allowing him in in some way. Close all doors to your heart and life, lock them, don’t let him in by any means. It is time for you to take back your life.

Keep in touch.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 21, 2012 at 11:25 pm Rebecca

Dear Deb,

Thanks for such a heartfelt post. This is the hardest time for most, the part after you leave and are left with the anger. It is hard but like you say worth it all.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm deb

Sorry I did not see the date on Sadiia’s comment of july 07!! I hope and pray she would have gotten out.
on August 9, 2012 at 11:35 pm deb

Sadia, The anger is a sign that you are ready to recover. you are in survival mode right now and are waiting for a magical cure that doesn’t exist. you are rightfully angry that he does’t respect your love or he does’t take responsibility for how he repeatedly has hurt you in every way. It also sounds like he isn’t willing to get sober. You will stop wanting to hurt yourself and feeling this rage will end when you leave or make him leave. You need a safe plan for this first though and should seek a domestic violence advocate either in your area or through the court for this advice. the sooner you begin this process the more courage you will feel and once you are out you can work on that anger. It cannot be solved living with him. I say this because it took me 5 yrs with the same kind of man and severe beatings cycling in and out over that period and jail terms for him and the insanity continued all the while I began my own counseling and got strong enough to understand my anger is justified however I cannot deal with it until I am free from him. That is now working for me. Yes the anger is still there however it is less severe because I am in control of my own happiness now and am learning so much about myself. It is by no means easy yet so much easier than living with the unpredictability of his actions. I am also using a self help book called “Healing The Trauma of Domestic Violence” a workbook By Edward Kubany PH.D Please consider your options you do have a healthy way out. Be well Deb
on August 9, 2012 at 2:31 am deb

Wow,
So many accounts which most relate so well to the past five years. I too met someone after 20 yrs in a finanicially, verbally abusive marriage. However he was the ultimate abuser. In all possible ways. The first time his hand hit my face I was caught between a blinding white light and heart pounding fear and shock. He keep punching me in the face as if we were in a boxing ring…locked in his bedroom, until i was able to get him to let me use the bathroom and dial 911. My face was so battered and I had my sons baby shower to contend with the following day. Embarrassed and shocked I said I was in a car accident. Promised to stay away from him however all the promises of change from drug addiction and un treated mental illness led us down a path of 5 years of jail continued abuse therapy continued drug addiction. Great salesman he was by convincing me he loved me and he would change. You understand the cycle as well as I do so I won’t bore you with all the devastating details. I have been in and out of dv counseling since this began. He spent 18 mo in jail 2 years ago and I took him back because he was a “reformed man” it took several months for the cycle to begin again however I was different now as I stood up to him and he felt it was my control causing the problems. He began drinking and drugs and nothing I could do to try to make his life better worked. Got him a job, therapist ect. We are 2 yrs away from that time and 25 times he has scared or threatened me. Just after my sister died in November I had enough of his lack of support and called the police after he slapped me which has turned into now 3 court charges because he kept abusing because I involved the police. He went to jail for 60n days and came home treating me like a queen gave me a beautiful diamond then left with out notice 4 days later while I was at work. I was stunned. Guess it was punishment for his jail time. He continued to call me then had other girls leave me voice mails at all hours. Calling me drunk at 6am from the night before. I hate him and am working hard with a dv expert and a therapist but I am tourtured over this and shouldn’t be…help What is he doing and I know I am right in taking my life back. I want to erase him from my mind forever.
on August 8, 2012 at 1:08 am Kitty

Note to Lauren:::

Lauren
I’m 33 and left my emotionally abusive husband several months ago even though it put me in a vulnerable situation, – being in a new and foreign country with no money, no work permit and nowhere to go.

***************************************************************************************************
I read your post and it sounded exactly like me two years ago … I wonder if we could talk as our situations sound very similar. Please let me know … love and peace, Kitty
on August 8, 2012 at 1:02 am Kitty

Lauren

I read your post and it sounded exactly like me two years ago … I wonder if we could talk as our situations sound very similar. Please let e know … love and peace, Kitty
on August 6, 2012 at 12:36 am Rebecca

Dear Michaela,

I am so sorry, I can hear your pain and anxiety on the page. what a horror to deal with. Will you be safe, is there an order so he isn’t supposed to come hear you? Seek out local help, make sure your home is secure. So men get out and move on to another woman. Make sure those around you know what is going on. Her school knows what is going on to protect her. Is it legitimate to have the fears you do. You need counseling if you haven’t done so already. You never move on without dealing with the fear, anger and rage at yourself. Yes, you could have left, so could I, I didn’t, so will I pay for the rest of my life for this? That is up to you. Show your daughter what you do when you things don’t go as they should, show her a strong role model and do what you can to heal yourself. Don’t let her repeat the mistakes of your past. To do so she must have a strong mother. You are strong, look how far you have come. Do you need to more far away, are you where he will live? Will you see him?

Lots to think of, one thing at a time, safety is the most important. Keep in touch, let me know how we can support you.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

You are in my prayers tonights.
on August 4, 2012 at 4:30 am michaela

I feel like I am going through the same thing right now and for the last 3 days have finally realised it. It has been a while since the abuser (daughters father) has existed (he has been in prison) . He is going to be released in November and to be honest I am petrafied.l, which makes me realise how much of a hold he STILL has on me. Right now I just feel like just running, just run out the door and never look back. I have been having horrible anxiety extreme anger and flash backs of past abuse. I don’t know how I could have let things get so bad? I know everyone always says “its not you its him.” Honestly that is such crap. I didn’t have to fight him back u could have just called the police or tried to leave while he was sleeping OR ANYTHING not just fight him and expect things to get better. What about my daughter? Shouldn’t I have thought about her? I mean, of course I thought about her but I was so confused and am now paying for it. Any ways, does anyone have any suggestions for me because I don’t know what to do with myself anymore

im back and expect things
not to get worse. Why didn’t I think about my
on August 4, 2012 at 2:23 am Rebecca

Dear Holly,

So glad you found this site. What are you are going through is so normal with all you are dealing with. that sorry that you want to hear from him means nothing. It matters what you think. You are playing the same old record over and over in your head. I remember doing it to the point I made my self sick and had anxiety attacks. You are the one that gets to decide what you think about in your head. It sounds impossible, but true. I had to condition myself, okay 5 minutes to think about whatever than I had to think of something else, something happy or at least not that. It took some practice but I am pretty good at it now. You get to decide how you react to what someone does to you. If someone says somethign to me, it is up to me how I let it effect me. It is how they feel about me, not how I feel about me.

Self esteem, think of it, the word self. you are the one that decides who you are, not another. When you put more value on that of what anyone else thinks of you, you are apt to put too much meaning in their remarks.

None of this was your fault and still isn’t. It okay that you care about him but that doesn’t mean that you must continue to live with your life focused on him. It is time to make a life decision, decide on healing and having the life that you dream of.

Keep in touch.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 3, 2012 at 4:59 pm Holly

I have been with my partner for 5 years and the relationship has been a mix of mental, emotional and physical abuse. while away last week he asaulted me by punching, thumping me and slapping me around the face and on a recent surgery site,grabbing my hair and pinching my nose. He has been charged with assault and to go to court although he has “omitted to remember” his actions and has only admitted to pulling me and pushing me about. He has been ordered not to contact me directly or indirectly or to come to my home time. He has breached bail by getting a third party to contact me about his belongings which he has since told the police was on the advice of the telephone handler so he has got away with it. I know no contact is best but I am distraught that in spite of what he has done that I need to end this relationship and let him go. I just don’t know how. All I can hear in my head is his previous vitriolic comments about it being my fault he was arrested and locked up for 13hrs in a police cell and how angry he will be with me for reporting it to the police. On the one hand I am pleased that he is been charged on the other i feel such guilt and feel I am to blame for it. I also don’t know how to stop all the thoughts in my head and how to switch off the awful things in my head which he has said to me about me looking like a man, about how he has slept with another woman etc. How can I stop the thoughts and stop this overwhelming sense of wanting to talk to him to hear him say he is sorry to hear him want to say he wants to come back abd he will never do it again when I know this is impossible? I feel so low and so alone.
on July 30, 2012 at 12:47 am Rebecca

Dear Louise,

First I am so sorry that your dad passed, the anniversary’s are the hardest. My mom was ill for years and passed about 4 months ago, her bday last week was hard but my sisters and I did our best to celebrate her. That is hard enough and with all you are going through can make it worse you don’t have a supportive person to be with. Let me ask the dumb question, you are so young, no children from what I have heard, what is keeping you with him? He doesn’t respect you at all, he is showing you that by what he does and how he treats woman is a big sign of how he will treat you. Can you leave? He is not going to change unless he wants to and it doesn’t sound like that is the case. If you want to be happy and you want your life to change, you are the one that needs to make that first step and leave. Your rather would want you to be happy but mostly safe. The man you are with should respect you, not be out to hurt you.

Keep in touch, we are here for you.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 29, 2012 at 4:42 am Louise

my boyfriend got really angry and pushed me over and spat in my face mulitple times when he saw me dance with guy in a club, it was a innocent dance to a ‘dance’ song! called me a f*cking slut, etc etc and made me feel liek crap, weeks before he’d danced with a woman form college, to a slow song and i was cool about it! sinc ethen he said i wa sgetting too close to him etc and its total nonsense. the hitings got worse, any little thing he;d get mad about, aka if i dropped a glass by accident, i even made food once and he said it was ‘sh*t’ then binned it, he goes on sex sites to chat to women but has a go if i talk to a friend whos male…hee talks intimately and he went as far as to paying for a site to talk to women! he tells me he says hi how are you etc..LOL
when i found out he slept behind my abck 3 times with someone from college he then proceeded to go on a sex site to chat to other women, after all this hes kicked me recently, pushed me over x 3, had polic einolved but i dropped case…..in the past hes gone to kicking me while i was on floor struggling to get up because hed pushed me, threatened me with a knife, spat at me, chucked things my way, etc. im getting really angry because of all teh abuse and mindgames and have started wanting to hurt myself and i throw stuff about at walls because of the anger. there hss been times where i pushed him because i out up my defenses. I lost my dad lst yr and a month sfter his funeral he was sleeping behind my back and i found out in december, he hid it for 3 month then said my dads pssing was an excuse for his cheating.
he made jibes and said it hur tmy ego it did it, basically made a joke about him going behind my back three times. he even told me how he lied to the woman how long ago my dad died, i actually get so angry and hes teling me sorry for evrything and i feel so depressed as its my dad 1 yr ann sine he died:(
im 21 btw.

Louise
on July 25, 2012 at 12:39 am www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Samantha,

Glad to hear you told him. he doesn’t have to understand it all, we don’t and we went through it. As long as he is there for you when you need him. Often it is easier to talk with others about the tough stuff and lean on him for support. I never told details to my BF but he sees me tear up on certain tv shows and knows. You will know what you are comfortable sharing. I believe that the aftermath is just as bad as the abuse.

Keep in touch and let us know how we can support you.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 24, 2012 at 7:37 am Samantha

Thanks. I finally sat down with my bf and talked to him about it.. I was suprised when he resurred me that he was always gonna be by my side. I feel alot better but it was still alittle hard to try to explain how the emotional damage is just as bad as the abuse was.
on July 23, 2012 at 1:38 am www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Samantha,

I am so happy you found this site, sounds like you really needed it. Your past is part of you, you have to talk about it if it is something you want to share. I have times I know my boyfriend and love of my life for 5 years wishes that I didn’t still run this blog. I have well moved on and I sit and hear stories that make me cry and I offer advice, he sometimes thinks that keeps me in the past, but for me, it is part of who I am, I won’t leave a woman like you feeling alone.

You are the one that gets to decide what you think about, what you feel guilty about and what you focus on. Why do you think the past is what you are focused on? Do you live in the moment? Maybe counseling? Do what you can each day to be able to enjoy the man and life that you have.

Let me know what we can do for you. You are not crazy and you are not alone.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 23, 2012 at 1:35 am www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Samantha,

Yes, but for me I was the last person I was able to forgive. I forgave abuser years before I forgave myself. There comes a time when you just finally are ready to let yourself off the hook. For me, I would never allow abuse back in my life. I think for me the moment I forgave myself was when I felt pretty healed, but that was the one thing fully holding me back. Little by little, forgive yourself, why punish yourself another day, hasn’t there been enough of that.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 22, 2012 at 9:53 pm Samantha

Will I ever learn to forgive myself.
on July 22, 2012 at 9:29 pm Samantha

Hi after reading all the post. I dont feel so crazy now. Im currently in a new relationship with a wonderful man but I cant help but think of the violnce my ex husband put me through and all the guilt that followed. The guilt of not seeing the signs before it was to late. The guilt of feeling like I let my son down. I really dont talk to my boyfriend about it because im so terrified hes gonna get annoyed about hearing about it and leave
on July 16, 2012 at 11:06 pm www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Pat,

OMG, I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I imagine you have already heard it all but there isn’t a lawyer out there that can fight this for you? Abuse is abuse no matter what sex it comes from. Aren’t there others that will witness the abuse she sounds like she has dealt to others? She will be her biggest enemy in life, it catches up with them.

I hope that you are getting the help you need, you have every reason to feel like dying when you lose control over your life, especially having your children taken from you like this. Taking your life will not fix this, sounds easy to say but I have been there. Keep taking one day at a time, find support you need it. No one, male or female can deal with the aftermath alone. Counseling is important to allow you to get back to what should be a good life. You still get to see your boys from what you have said, treasure each moment, they need a stable parent, so you are that.

I wish you all the best in life and am sorry that you are going through all of this. No on should have to live with the pain of DV, it breaks a family down to the bone.

Love & Peace,,
Rebecca
on July 15, 2012 at 8:09 pm pat

Per your request she moved out with the kids. I pay her 1000 a week in child support plus a paid off car. I only pick up the kids if my driver goes with me or uniformed security. Because of the DVR I will never get custody even if she beats them bloody. She hit the housekeeper when she was holding Maddox who was one at the time. She gay me a blackeye whild I was bathing the boys. The answer is you gotta go. I miss my kids but she texts me insulting texts and calls like at 230 am. It goes on for days. I am facing felony charges, although she wasn,t hurt, I lost hearing in my right ear when she struck me with a video camera. She came into the bedroom with a camera while I was sleeping so she hit me to see if I would come up swinging. I would not take the bait so she broke my glasses, then hit me in the ear. I think about killing myself everyday. She destroyed my life and the boys. It was how she was raised in a combat enviroment I fear for the boys
on July 14, 2012 at 11:08 pm www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Pat,

I just responded and comment disappeared, sorry it this appears two times. I am so sorry for what you are going through, then to be labeld as the abuser. It kills me when I hear these stories, I have seen woman abuse, hear many stories. Yes, men abuse more but woman abuse too. Share what reasons you stay, people don’t realize they are the same reasons woman stay, fear, love, kids and such. Can you get counseling, can you leave? If so, what is keeping you from leaving?

Everyone deserves to live with freedom, your life is far from free. I hope that you will realize you deserve so much more and get out. Being along is better than this. I too watched a man go through the same, she would call the police after she went nuts, for the kids he took the blame. She knows this too well and plays you and the police.

Abuse is abuse, not matter who is dishing it out. Find a way out. I am happy to support you here, I mean it, but if you want mean to talk to check out some of the links on the main page, lead to blogs by men for men.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 11, 2012 at 6:36 pm pat

I think we need to look at my case. I will give you just a brief look. My girlfriend has assaulted me on 9 major occasions. We have two children together. She is jealous, violent , tries to separate me from family and friends. Files false reports on me. She calls and texts myself and friends at late hours of the night. In essence she has ruined my life. I now face a felony charge of domestic violence, I have lost the hearing in my right ear where she struck me with a weapon. She loves to play the victim, but she has admitted striking me under oath before and after she had me arrested. The last time she threw a glass bottle at me. If I were to call the cops they would arrest me because they are instructed to arrest the male. Why are women always portrayed as the victim, this one attacked my housekeeper, her former boyfriend and a police officer. Yet my life is ruined. oh by the way the night I was arrested I had 17 bleeding cuts on me there was not a mark on her. She hit six times in the face in a restaurant where I was receiving an award for giving money (alot) to autistic children in front of 18 witnesses, and the police refuses-ed to charge her.
on July 11, 2012 at 1:23 am www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Denise,

This is an active site, just unable to respond few months, site issues but normally fast responses. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. It is hard to trust yourself when this happens. I was angry at the neighbor that I knew hear me scream, begging to call the police, they don’t want to get involved. I can’t change them either. Hard enough to change myself. Do what you have to to feel safe, that is what matters to you now. You don’t feel safe, it shows.

I hope you get counseling, that will help for now. Don’t let this take away the rest of your life. Get stronger everyday so that you decide what happens in your life. I wish you all the best Denise.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 10, 2012 at 11:55 pm www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Yerenia,

First piece of advice, stop freaking calling him. He will never stop having control over you if you don’t stop calling him. I know that sounds harsh and is easier said than done, but if you fear he may kill you going back he will. Put you and your daughter first. Accept that you still love him, that is okay. Just love yourself and your baby more. Care for him but care for you more.

We teach others how to treat us, if you keep calling him and allowing him to say things that make you think twice you are allowing him back in.

Stay away from him unless needed. The stronger you get the less of what he says will matter. Find ways to heal, counseling is always best if you can. A safe place to get it off your chest, things you wouldn’t tell others. Set goals to do what you always wanted to do and be. Make that baby happy and safe. You are the one that will decide if she is safe, not him. Read, write, deal with how you feel, don’t bury it. Find support groups like this blog. Focus on the future not the past.

The quiet time is what gets you, fill that time with things other than thinking of him. Give yourself a few minutes to think of him, then change what you focus on. that was the key for me. I would work myself up thinking of things he had done, the one day i learned to change the record.

Keep in touch, be safe.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 10, 2012 at 11:37 pm www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Han,

Thank God that you are out of the abuse. The pain feels raw for some time, it depends on how you heal. I felt the anger too, for so long I couldn’t show it when he was there, no emotions. Then suddenly I could smash things, swear and unleash my anger. I was afraid of it but couldn’t control it either. The anger is usually at us first and we are the last ones to forgive. Read this post if you can Facing yourself in the mirror

I was able to forgive him years before myself, after all, I was the one that stayed.

My best advice you need to deal with it head on, the more you shove it away the longer it stays. Get counseling, read about the aftermath, how to overcome anger. Self Matters by Dr. Phil was a good read for me, read it a few times. Find ways to forgive yourself. It happened, it doesn’t make you dumb or weak, woman how counsel domestic violence victims stay at times. We are all human. This is not the end of your life unless you let it be.

Remember what is was that you always wanted to do and be. Start working towards that. Thoughts will come up, deal with them, write, read, get angry, then move on. If you deal with what is causing the anger it will eventually stop. I never thought I would get through the aftermath but you can and will. Find support like this blog, sadly there are lots of support groups because there is lots of abuse.

Promise yourself one thing, you will stay single long enough to heal and get to know what you want, not what a man wants you to be. Make sure that you never allow this back into yoru life again.

Find happiness in today, as corny as that sounds. Keep in touch, let me know how I can support you.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm www.The-LastStraw.com

Hi Cas,

Help is there but you need to find it. The best thing that you can do is talk about and get counseling. We are conditioned for so long not to talk and now you finally can. Please write back here, I will write back. This blog is very supportive and will help you. I have been free over 12 or so years and have been able to move past it all and let it go, but it took a really long time. Be strong, never look back and learn to find ways to appreciate today.

Keep in touch, wish you all the best, be strong, you are not alone.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 6, 2012 at 1:41 am cas

Rebecca, please write to me. I wept reading your entry, I always thought I was alone in suffering after the event, all the help is available for those still in the situation. I’d love to speak to you.
on July 5, 2012 at 10:51 pm www.The-LastStraw.com

Dear Ruth,

I just want the best for you. Soon it will be over hopefully. There are just bad people, even those related to us which hurts us even deeper. I wish you all the best. Be strong.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on June 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm Ruth

Rebecca, thank you in helping me realize that certain family members are not going to be supportive. My son saw what my granddaughter put me through. He has not been supportive as I have been to him throughout the years. This has hurt me more than the verbal and emotional abuse that she has put me through. As per your suggestion, I will not discuss this with him again, but
things will never be the same between us. Hopefully, my granddaughter will be out of my house soon as she will not leave and has to be evicted.

Thank you again for your advice.
on June 1, 2012 at 11:47 pm han

Hi i am 21, i was in a violent relationship for a year and a half. I finally had the courage to leave once my family found out i was being mistreated and the police were involved. This was 9 months ago and the pain is still so raw. I never used to be angry, now i feel a lot of anger. Mainly at myself. My confidence has been destroyed and i dont know how to build myself up again. I hate talking about it with friends, as im so sick of it. I dont want to constantly think about it and have nightmares.. I dont know how to escape these feelings. I feel like im forever messed up from this, im so angry and mistrusting
on May 23, 2012 at 7:26 am yerenia

Hi, I currently left my daughters father for DV however I find myself calling him all day trying to hear his voice. Our daughter is 5 months old and I was abused throughout my whole relationship with him. Till this day he blames me for everything and denies him ever laying his hands on me. It’s sad that I am still in love with him when he nearly killed me when I was 39 weeks pregnant with his daughter. I am trying to get over the situation but I can’t.
Sometimes he manipulates me to actually think “maybe it is me” but I know that that is the abusers way of talking.
How can I get over this man so that I don’t go back to him because it is killing me everyday that I live.
on May 20, 2012 at 11:14 pm www.RebeccaBurns.com

Hi Shaunaa,

I responded to an earlier post from you. I had no idea just how bad things had gotten for you. The best revenge is a good life. You may think all is happy on the outside, but you no what he was like behind closed doors. The biggest gift that I could give you would be the hell with what others think. That has nothing to do with your life. Get new friends. I don’t want to say move on for that sounds so unfeeling, but move away. All that really matters is that you and your daughter are away from him and save.

Why waste another moment of this precious life upset that he is happy or lying to others. I would spend every moment being so grateful that he was out of your life. Show your daughter how strong you are, what you were able to over come. Teach her what she should never tolerate as she grows older.

I was happy that you said you would seek therapy, that will be the best thing you could do for you and your baby. Focus on what you want your life to be, not what his seems to be. You get to decide what you will think about, if he is in your mind, that is your stinking thinking as the saying goes. Change the thoughts, think, what did I always want to do when I grew up, how can I help my daughter to never be abused? What do I love to do, write, sing, draw and do it. Start setting goals for the life you want.

You are so much stronger than you think. I work hard everyday to live in the day. It takes work even when days are good. Keep in touch, I am here to do my best to support you through this. You are never alone.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on May 20, 2012 at 11:05 pm www.RebeccaBurns.com

Hi Shauntay,

It makes me sad to hear of someone so young feeling this way yet your words encourage me. Standing your ground is the hardest thing to do. Deciding what line you will never allow another to cross. You have to have that line. I agree, anyone that can snap like that is no one to be around. Where I am no, the man I am with makes me feel so safe. In four years he has never even come close to crossing a line I have. I will never allow a man to belittle me, make me lie in fear. Been there and done that.

I agree with that it is what it is statement, but that only applies to what you want it to apply to. This is your life, if you are in pain from something that happened, it matters, it isn’t something to just push away. The further down you try to push something down and pretend it didn’t happen the harder it tries to ruin your life.

I am happy to hear that you will seek help, at your age, you will learn to grow from this experience. You know the signs now, never allow anyone to cross that line you set. If you every feel in fear again, you leave.

Be strong and keep in touch. I am so happy you are in the process of healing.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on April 30, 2012 at 6:24 am Shauntay Brandon

Hi Rebecca,

About two weeks ago I experiences domestic violence. It’s 2 am and I find my self in need of some encouraging words and after reading this post I have definitely found that. I was told “to get over it” and the sad part with that is I listened thinking that what I should do bc now a days the popular saying “it is what it is” lingers everywhere and it’s all I hear. I truly believe that it’s really not helping me overcome this experience in my life bc all I feel/ think about everyday is guilt, sadness, bitterness, loneliness, and most of all anger. I’m 22 years old and I never saw myself goin through this bc I have seen others go through it and a fear has built within me that makes me believe that anyone is capable of saying “I love you” one moment then the next harming you. I don’t want to have this fear bc I am a people person that relies on trust to be the standing ground of all my relationships. Now I feel like bc of this fear I will never be able to trust another. Bc of your post I’m goin to try to find a support group/therapist and write as well as read some self help books. Thank you for your support!
on April 18, 2012 at 10:11 am Shaunaa

Hi, I have recently come out of a violent relationship. It got so bad that I tried to commit suicide. Reading what you have wrote has lifted a weight nobody close to me really understands what I went through daily and why I am still not over it. I am so angry because since he came out of prison my ex has convinced all my friends that I was lying and he now has a new girlfriend and child leaving me alone to look after our little girl getting abuse every day. It doesn’t ever seem to end. You are a very strong woman and I wish I had the strength but having to bump into the man that ruined my life daily is devastating seeing how happy he is and how he rubs it in my face. He looks so happy that he knows he ruined my life and never once has he showed remorse. If I could give anyone advice it would be to walk away before it goes too far I know I wish I had. I wish I could move on but it doesn’t seem to be happening!
on March 9, 2012 at 11:42 pm www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dear T,

Thanks for reaching out, my goal was to let you know you are never alone. What you are dealing with is normal. I always encourage woman to to get into another relationship until a year or two have passed for I feel that you need that time alone to heal and decide what you really want in life. If this man you are with is someone you want to be with for awhile he will learn to help you. I encourage you to continue with counceling as this will help you to deal with what you are feeling in the aftermath. Just because you are away from abuser everything doesn’t go away. You need to cry, feel sad, get over guilt and forgive yourself for what you went through. You are hurting, it is time to heal your heart and soul. I too had anger, for so many years I wasn’t allowed to really speak or show emotion so when I finally could, the anger came out. Find ways to handle the anger, now you know that you are going to have it, be prepared to deal with it. I had one friend that I knew I could call. I would toss rocks in the back yard, hit a tree with a bat, find something that will let your anger out without it really being damaging in the long run.

You will make it through this. Going through what you went through should make you grateful for what you have today. Don’t waste your life on the past, deal with it so that you can live the life you dreamed.

Keep in touch.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on February 27, 2012 at 4:50 pm T

Hi
I just wanted to leave a message because I have not found anybody who understands or who has suffered the same therefore have not been able to speak about my domestic abuse.
I left my partner six months ago for both physical and emotional abuse and luckily I met somebody new. I convinced myself that becuase he could live with it, I could. That’s not true.
I have begun to look into councilling but I am worried that my anger (which I never had before) and that I cannot trust anything or put my faith in anything will never leave. I find that everytime I feel threatened even emotionally I now no longer know how to handle it.
It is comforting to hear that it is manageable and that there is hope for the future.
on February 15, 2012 at 11:34 pm denise

I read your email on dealing with anger. I have felt angry for sometime and so hurt. I think what got me the most was the isolation from my family and friends. The humiliation of the abuse. Beatings in front of people put down and the rest. The fact I took it I chose to stay. I couldn’t leave or I’d be betten. What makes me most angry is people heard or seen and did nothing. When they did a couple times I lied to the police hospital dactor love fear loyalty. I’m still afraid 6 months on. I have lost contact with family members who choose to keep contact, won’t go certain places incase I get beat up. Lock all doors and windows incase! Its frustrating. I have changed my phone number 8 times so hardly given it out. Is this it how life will remain? Thanks for reading this. If you do don’t even know if this is an active website.
on January 18, 2012 at 2:36 pm www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dearest Lauren,

You are as strong as the woman you read on here Lauren. Just read all that you wrote here, that takes a strong lady.

So happy to have you write again. You have been though so much, thanks for sharing with everyone here. First, you should be so proud of how far you have come. It has taken ten years for my nightmares to stop. None of this is over quickly. Think for each day of what you went through can take months to recover from. This is a hard one, I personally feel you have to deal with what happened, but after reliving the same images what is the point? I at one point would allow myself a few minutes to think the image and then forced myself to move on to a happier thought. When we replay things that happened over and over in our heads, we are now putting ourselves in that frame of mind. Imagine, as silly as it will sound if you were placing images of you with the man of your dreams, or happy living on your own, doing the things you dreamed of doing. Images of you strong and determined, helping support others, how would those imagines make you feel? I only say this because if worked for me. One day I realized that I was playing the same records over and over again. I get that in counseling you talk and deal, but you are the only one that will really know how bad things were, only you can decide to stop playing that same horrible record over in your head. Memories are like records, we are the ones that one to keep hearing them for some reason.

Now when I look back it seems like someone else’s life I am seeing. You are strong and get stronger each day. You do that by improving and moving forward. You get to decide how fast you will move forward. Find a future to focus on, what did you always want to do when you grew up? Start setting happy goals, you will get there. We all have a purpose to be there, what is yours?

Keep in touch, I want to know your progress. Not all days will be good, but you are not in the abuse, that alone makes it a good day.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on January 7, 2012 at 5:22 am lauren

this is my second time to write on here. i last wrote a year ago when i had to move because my ex had found us. we have moved and are settling into our new home. i have started counceling now because i felt like i had to get it out. i held it in for so long that even now 6 months after starting counceling and 3 years after leaving him, i still find it hard to talk about things. i am frustrated because i just want to move on, but i know i cant do that without getting this evil out of me. i sometimes feel like i am making progress, then i talk about something he did to me and its like i am reliving it over again. that just throws me into a depression again as i find it hard to let go of feeling that its my fault. i recently went back to visit my family, coincidently 3 years to the very day, from the day that i left him. i managed to get through the visit without bumping into him, which i think helped me to get some things out. i am still having some terrifying dreams about him, but they have slowed down, which is good. i have managed to start leaving the house and i have started back at work which has been good for me. also i have obtained my licence and got a car, which has given me a freedom that i have never felt before. although i have come a very long way in the past year, i am still having moments when i feel like its just not worth it to talk about it, because it hurts so much. i do keep talking though because i want to get it out and start living my life for the first time ever. i do want to say to all of these strong women on here that you are all an inspiration to me and i hope that one day i can be as strong as you all are. thank you.
on January 3, 2012 at 12:45 am www.RebeccaBurns.com

Hello Kay,

I was in the same moment you are over fifteen years ago. It was the hardest time, the aftermath, the silence, the time when you are all alone with your memories and wonder what to do next. Take one day at a time.. It took a while to get where you are, now take the time to recover. Do what ever it takes, you are worth it, read self help, counseling if you can, journal, find new friends. Online resources are all over. Blog, share your story as I did. I used to feel so alone and now, I am writing to woman like you all over the world. Some in abuse, some out, so doing well, some like yourself. Someday you will look back at this time and see what a strong person you are. You will make it through, you are stronger than you imagine.

Find the path, then follow it. Keep in touch, let us know the things you did to move on.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on January 2, 2012 at 11:25 pm www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dear Shauna,

Thanks for sharing, sometimes just leaving where you are makes all the difference in the world. I am happy to hear you are attending college and off on your own. Never take it for granted, you deserve to be happy, so be happy. I wish you all that you dream in life.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on December 15, 2011 at 5:19 am shauna

Hi, its really late and after reading all of the stories and responses from other women, I can’t sleep, so I’d like to share. I was physically and emotionally abused, as a child, which led me to develop a sort of shut-in and passive personality: In my house it didn’t matter what I thought because in the end I had no say over what went on and barely if ever, got to enjoy a normal social life. When I went away to college I Washington so excited to be out on my own and
on October 30, 2011 at 1:34 am kay

I’m 24 years old,living in a foreign country and for the past year I’ve been caught up in a controlling and viciously demeaning relationship.
He monitored every email,and every social interaction,he cut me off from my friends,turning some of them against me, I wasnt not allowed to leave my house without permission…
he made me feel like a useless,worthless person by constantly telling me im not normal,forcing me to sleep with him,( becomingly physically abusive if i refused to) and he constantly told me i was a whore,even though he was the only guy i’d ever been with…
He was also “blackmailing” me and threatening me whenever i wanted to leave,
but finally,through the help of one friend (who surprisingly,disappeared from my life as soon as we broke up) Ive managed to do so…my life is empty now,because i no longer have any friends,or self respect. I was a happy,bubbly, outgoing and likeable person before,
now I’m a shadow of that self.Not sure how to move on!
on April 20, 2011 at 4:00 pm www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dear Maria,

I am trying to have one location for great books to read, you can find a new link at Recommended Reading I also like to offer some great audios and music on TedE and youtube, check out this link for music Inspirational and thought provoking music My all time favorite man of inspiration is Tony Robbins, check out some of his stuff here, really any book by Tony is a great place to start Daily Inspiration

Books by Wayne Dyer, Dr. Phil, Anthony Robbins are the ones that I focused on, each seemed to help with a certain area that I needed at that time. I hope this reply helps.

Keep an eye on these links as I am trying to do my best to add more.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on April 16, 2011 at 7:39 pm practicallyspeaking

hello!

so many heartbreaking stories, and also, so much healing. thank you, each of you, for sharing, for baring your soul, and Rebecca for your words of encouragement to so many.

All of us seem to struggle with the anger we’ve been infected with, and also to learn how to be our own best friend.

I’m looking for book titles or audio books that will help with this evolution – I’m looking for helpful energy to shake off the evil energy abuse has infused me with, and to regain my joy, my hope, my love and my compassion. I must do this for my children, who are my light. It’s a knife in my heart when my residual anger spills over into my communication with them.

In all the posts I found only one book title: Self Matters (Phil McGraw). Are there any other titles, book or audio, that you can recommend, or other websites, which center around healing steps or groups? I’m not a faith-based person (so 12 steps never really resonated for me), but I am a lover of peace.

thank you Rebecca, for your compassion and kindness.

maria
on March 15, 2011 at 9:52 pm www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dear Angela,

It broke my heart to read your post. You are so young and have dealt with so much. You will make it. You will be okay, it takes one day at a time to heal. Don’t let what he did to you determine your life. Take the time, get counseling if you feel you need it, do things that empower you, don’t be the victim. Don’t spend time wondering how did I become a victim, spend your time on how can I move past this.

Let me know what we can do for you. There is lots of information on here and other sites that will support you during this really difficult time.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 14, 2011 at 2:38 am Angela

Hey …
I’m 20 years old at the moments I decided to leave my boyfriend 1 month ago after he beat me an pulled a knife on me threatened me and people around me . Everytime I look up stuff on domestic violence I cry. I can’t sleep I have nightmares about him.. I’m starting to wonder if I will ever be ok…. Idk how to deal with everything he did to me …. Idk why and how I became a victim of this… Feel free to email me .
on February 27, 2011 at 1:04 am www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dear Michelle,

Thank you for your kinds words, I am so sorry for all that you are going through, I remember how much it sucks. Take one day at a time, for every day he took from you it will take a day to heal from it or more. Focus on the things that help you, things that you like to do. I encourage you to check out other posts here that may help, the following is about facing the anger in the aftermath:http://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2007/07/08/aftermath-of-abuse-dealing-with-anger-after-domestic-abuse/

This is about facing our self http://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2011/01/30/the-fear-of-solitude-being-alone-during-and-after-domestic-violence/

The following is a list of music that had helped me http://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/inspirational-music/

Allow the hurt to come so that you can deal with it and move on, if you bury it you will be worse off. Focus on today, live in the moment, not the past and the pain. Keep in touch and let us know how we can help you. You can make it, you made it this far.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on February 21, 2011 at 12:04 am Michele

Hi I left my abusive husband two years ago. I took mytwo children ages 4 and 5 on the train and we left everything we had cars,money,home,school, our life. My husband and I were married for 6 yrs and together a total of 12 years. I suffered physical and emotional abuse throughout the entire relationship. I stayed because I had my life and it was good right? Well nobody knew of the abuse and considered him to be awesome. I stayed because he controlled me and I was afraid and because how could I tell my family and friends who had known me to be strong that this was going on. Little did I know that they already knew that strong woman had become weak before their eyes and I wasnt the same Michele. I am still stuggling and I still cry and I know I have PTSD. I get angry easily and I am working on this because this is not ME! I want to thank you for this site because it helps so much. Thank you.
on December 30, 2010 at 2:27 am www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dear Jessice,

It broke my hear to read your post. I imagine you are horribly depressed, how could a person not be. You are so young but have dealt with more than a lifetime deserves for anyone. You have to take every ounce of your energy and focus it on your recovery. You must get one on one therapy, you have dealt with such issues that you will never recover from if you don’t. Hating your mom is normal, you may never ever forgive her but that doesn’t matter now or really ever. What matters is that you are able to take one day at a time and get to the next. Don’t give up, with all that you have been through there has to be a reason that you are not dead, a reason that you are writing now, you will inspire and help everyone to know that this abuse must stop. Parents are to protect, not allow a child to live how you have lived.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, keep writing, let us know how you are and what we can do to help you through this.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on December 27, 2010 at 11:05 pm Jessice

I really just don’t think I can take any more, my father abused me and my mother for as long as long as I can remember, when I was younger it as aimed mostly at her and it would make me so angry, then he would start on me he was pure evil an never showed me any love or affection I was just so confused how he could hate me so much. The violence got so bad over the years and he would always drink and use that as an excuse. My mother would never leave him properly and it was me that always had 2 go and stay with my grandparents. My mother came across hard cold a stubborn I realize now that it was just her way of fighting. At the start of this year he beat me so bad I had to ring the police they come and took him away and for the first time in years we had time to escape and my mother had time to reflect on the abuse form this day things just seem to has got worse my family on my father’s side who I was always close to even thought he would never acknowledge the abuse they have gone so cold now my mum has left him and has move out an took my younger brother although he had a hard time he never got it as bad as me and this I cannot understand, this year I have become so depressed I really don’t want to be here anymore I thought things would have go better but no I just feel so alone and the support that I never got has just caught up with me, I am so angry at my mum even though I know it wasn’t her fault have self harmed for years an I just feel like he has taken everything from me. I am 20 now and live alone so much has changed for me this year and everything my family have tried to hide has come out, my mother is also very sad and I don’t know how to deal with it.
on December 15, 2010 at 1:20 am www.RebeccaBurns.com

Dear Scared and Angry,

I don’t blame you for feeling both. It really broke my heart to read your post. you are in such a difficult place, kind of hard to thinking of forgiving and moving on when you are living how you are. You don’t have a sense of security yet for you and your children. Don’t beat yourself up about the house and things. Try to focus on one hour at a time, it helps. Find music that you love that when you put it in you know it will make you get up and do something. I would just do the dishes, sit then do something else and so forth. I was horrible at motivating myself and have now learned this will be a lifelong thing for me.

The fact that you want to help other by writing, and studying. You will help so many when you help yourself. Helping others here has helped me as much as those that come here.

I know as a mother that the guilt of what it did to your son is the worst to get over, it was for me. Try to find things that will bring out the pain in him. Reading books, writing too. I found that for my son knowing that at all times I was there for him, good and bad mad him know no matter what I was always there for him.

I wish that I had more to offer you here, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you a better 2011.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca xoxo
on December 12, 2010 at 8:35 am scared and angry

i was brought to tears by what you have written because it’s exactly what i have felt. i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and i knew that i had to leave when i did or he was going to kill me and/or my son.
i have a son to a previous relationship and a daughter to my former abuser. he abused my son aswell as me. i had to leave the state and my family. i took just 2 small bags of clothes. the hardest thing to leave was my baby photos of the kids.
it has been 2 years and now we have to move again, because he has found us, which was my biggest fear. my kids and i were just starting to settle down when this came up.
i am trying to let go of the anger that i still hold onto. i cant let it go. i take it out on the kids by yelling at them. i dont mean to yell, but i do. i kick myself evry night for what i put my son through. i should have protected him, but i couldnt. my daughter doesnt understand why i had to take her away from her dad. she was only 3 when we left.
i sit there every day telling myself to get up and clean the house. i dont know where it has come from. my house used to be clean and now i dont know where to start. i have put on 50kgs in the past 2 years. i just cant shake the depression. i used to be fit and walk every day. now i lock the door and stay inside all day.
i am now trying to write a book so that i can help other people in a similar situation. i am also studying to be a councellor. sometimes i get cranky at myself because i know i should talk to someone about my issues before i try to help anyone else, but i cant get it out. i even have troubles writing my book. i worry about the anger that my son is feeling too.
on July 26, 2010 at 10:55 pm Rebecca Burns

Dear Lucy,

Thanks for taking the time too post, your reviews were kind. I have found many that never would have shared before feel safe sharing here. It is about sharing and healing. You get to decide what you legacy will be, not the other way around. Your past does not equal your future. Decide to leave an amazing legacy of a person that conquered what they did and had a great life in spite of it.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 23, 2010 at 3:01 pm Lucy

Hi, I thought I was alone, of course, I think we all do. I thought I had got through it too, but it keeps coming back to haunt me and I really fear the legacy is that I will never allow myself to be happy. I can’t honestly tell you if I am unrealistic in my current relationship, if I ask too little or too much. Thankyou so much for reminding me what it was like though and what I won’t go back to.
What a beautiful person to take the time to help so many.
I wish I had the courage to look for this kind of thing earlier.
on May 20, 2010 at 2:17 am Rebecca Burns

Dear Endy,

The guilt is normal. Guilt won’t move you forward, won’t make it go away, just makes you feel like crap. Many women like you and I grew up in abuse so it was easier to accept and over look things. My abuser too was worse then the stepfather that I had thought was the worst in the world, until my husband. You know what he put you through, you can never make him care what he did to you. You have years of healing ahead of you and I encourage you to get one on one counceling. It will help you to ever allow this abuse back in to your life. You will make it out of this, take one day at a time. You can do this. You can.

Keep in touch.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on May 7, 2010 at 9:24 pm Endy

A couple weeks ago my close friend approached him and cursed him out for all the things he had done to me. I admit I immediately became afraid. I went into a panic because I knew he was mad at me. He had his mother call me about the situation. My roommate and I both spoke to her about his abuse (my roommate saw my breakdowns first hand). His roommate had witnessed an argument that took place between my ex and I. During the argument he bacame enraged because I wouldn’t back down and he drew back to punch me in my face. He saw his roommate watching and began punching the wall and throwing my stuff. His roommate told my roommate and she told my ex’s mother. His mother was willing to listen but acted surprised that her son was physically abusive towards me. She said that she knew he would say hurtful things to me because he says hurtful things to her as well. She told me about an incident were they had a argument and he drew back to hit her so I was shocked that she shocked. He smacked me in my face before while she and her husband where in the car. She was the one who told me that he was a narcissist . She sent him to college because she did not want to deal with him being in her house. She deals with his abuse, I guess she figures others should too. It’s sad.
on May 7, 2010 at 8:51 pm Endy

The hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact that I feel guilty for letting this happen. I grew up watching my mother get abused by my father. I waited for a man whose personality was as far from my fathers as possible, it took me 22yrs to find that man. When he came he turned out to be worse than my dad was. In the beginning of my relationship, I had told him about me being molested by my uncle as a child, he told me that I was lying. Fast forward a few months later he raped me after finding out out that I might be pregnant. After the rape he began to mock the way I was crying and walking. He laughed in my face and said, “I told you that if you were pregnant I would knock the baby out of you.” He had indeed told me that prior to the incident but I did not think he would do something like that. Even after that I stayed. I even woke up the morning after and had sex with him. I told him that what he had done the night before was rape and he laughed. I felt like shit. I ashamed of that night. So much happend and as I write I’m getting emotional. He always made me feel like I was worthless or undeserving of respect and real love. He would beat me and talk to me like I was his child. He would beat me until I told him that I belonged to him. I was nothing to him. I loved him so much. He will never know what he put me through and possibly may never care.
on March 29, 2010 at 2:21 am thelaststraw

Dear Gina,

You said it in one sentence, but it’s not about them, the issue here is really identifying what I did feel and healing it… it’s still there. It doesn’t matter that she thinks you should get over it, I hate when I hear someone was told those few mean words. Get over her and what she thinks you should do and feel. Tell her that one. I remember my mother saying that since I have been out of abuse over ten years, why do I still talk about? Actually I really don’t talk about my abuse to them anymore, just about DV projects I am working on, how my books are coming and she doesn’t get why I wouldn’t let it go. I have let it go, I just have a passion to help others. I feel I am a writer and that with what I went through I should share and encourage.

Take all the time you need my love. I was cellibute for ten years out of the fear deep inside of me that if I let a man in, what if he was the wrong one and he hurt me, would I be able to get out or get stuck in abuse again? I had seen my mother be with 4 abusive step fathers.

Focusing on just my recover and no one else has made me the strong woman I am today that is with a man that loves and respects my strength. Never bow to another, never allow someone to take what is yours, your soul and your dreams. Not a man, not your mother, not your father.

You have a hard, sad story, tell it, share it, talk about it, deal with and it when you are ready, move on and move up.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on March 19, 2010 at 2:48 pm Gina

I hope I can speak from my heart to express what it is that I am looking for. I have had an abusive childhood, my Mother struggled with her addictions and abandoned and neglected us, while my Father abused us. He is a classic narcissist. When I was 25 turning 26 (now 28 turning 29 in August) I decided to “divorce my Father” because he was still abusive to me as an adult after I moved out of the house (which was a do or die situation, I had to move out to protect myself) I think what was most damaging was continuing a relationship with him after I moved out, he was still hurting me and I did the best with what I knew at the time, after all he was my Father. I saw the aftermath as an adult, yes I moved out of his house yet I was having problems in my own life, getting into debt, drinking too much, sleeping around and while I was able to maintain a full time job since I was 19 years old – It was obvious inside this was terribly wrong and painful, after-all I just wanted to be happy. Yet, I was under a mask of denial, not only from my Dad but my Mom as well. She wasn’t in my life for the longest time but when I would see her between the years despite her being high off coke and skinny as hell I tried to pretend everything was okay. I went to therapy for 6 months, done ton of research, I also am a fan of Anthony Robbins! I’m in a much better place in my life but still feel I need support from this, although if it makes sense I do feel sort of crazy for it and that I should just “move on”… because you “can’t dwell in the past” but I know the truth, these were recent painful events and feelings that even after 6 months of therapy just touched the surface. I recently got in touch with a spiritual oriented therapist and going to be involved in the support group. My Mother is trying to get better at this point for herself and changed her life around (good for her)… but I am so confused about that too… I understand everyone has their journeys (just like mine) and both my parents did the best they could with what they known… but it’s not about them, the issue here is really identifying what I did feel and healing it… it’s still there… it hurts me when I do talk to my Mother and she will be like “can’t you let the past go”… “I just want you to be happy”… “you are doing so good for yourself”… it’s like great Mom, but in order to get past it you have to face it to and just like in your article “you can’t just get over it”. I would love more than anything to be free and happy and at times I am, but what happened was real and the only person I have to know what I truly need and want is me… I have a feeling this is just the beginning. I’ve gotten involved in mirroring relationships that reflected these false beliefs centering around ridicule and shame, that’s real… I just hope I get the support and healing that will set me free… because I want more than anything to live a healthy and happy life that’s reflected from the inside, out.
on February 21, 2010 at 1:41 pm Top 10 Tips on Managing Conflict, Emotional Tension, and Anger

[...] [...]
on February 6, 2010 at 2:42 pm thelaststraw

Dear G,

The last words that will ever come out of my mouth for any situation other than a stubbed toe would be just get over it. That is like another physical blow to a person that has been hurt as you have.

All the best.
Rebecca
on February 5, 2010 at 3:14 pm G

Thank you for understanding and NOT saying just get over it. I have been thinking about the art installation and I am strongly considering it. If I do I will let you know.
on February 2, 2010 at 5:51 pm thelaststraw

Dear G,

Thank you for sharing your recovery. People think, just leave, then everything is all better. So wrong. The aftermath is just another form of slow torture that I compare to mourning, you had the death of a relationship, you have to deal with the pain, the loss, the guilt, being along, what could have been and so on. I applaud you for going to therapy. Even with that I found that I needed constant self help, I recommend Dr. Phil’s Self Matters. Out of everything I read this book, if you do the exercises you will grow and feel that shift inside of you. After several years of self help tapes and books I feel beyond that need. The next phase has been growing by reading and listening to motivational things, my best mentor has been Anthony Robbins. Just google his name and you will be a fan. He seems to speak directly to you and will help you move on towards the life of your dreams. I have been utilizing his skills for ten years now.

For me the guilt that I left my 4 year old son with this man while I went to work was what stayed with me the most. I was his mother, I thought I was protecting him from the man people of the world then I left him home with the worst person. My husband never, ever laid a hand on my son, I am certain of that, he adored him and swore no one would ever harm him, (my husband was violently abused by his father and swore this would not happen to his child) but he abandoned him while home with him. He lay drunk on the couch while my son watched tv all day. The day I come home early and saw this, it ended, I was finally done. Things exploded and within weeks I was out.

I often say take how many years you suffered with this silent abuse and it can take almost that long to recover fully. It has taken over ten years for my violent nightmares to stop. I started this blog and mission many years ago for me, yes to help others but in the process it has been my healing tool, like you I felt so alone for so long that knowing you can help others who are where you are is a gift of healing.

Remember, love holds the heart while time heals the wounds. You are strong, it shows, you gave him too much when you were with him, you are the one that gets to decide to stop the abuse and hold he has over you now. Enough is enough. Take 100% of your life back, he doesn’t deserve another second of your thoughts.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on February 1, 2010 at 9:50 pm G

I broke up with my abusive ex almost 3 years ago and it was hard. One of the hardest things I had to do in my life, I was hit with anxiety attacks all the time and I felt like I was sinking in a chaotic ocean when I left. I had to. Fortunately we had no kids, a few pets & I never married him, I did sign a domestic partnership I am now trying to figure out a way out of. I did and still do have good friends and I have wonderful boyfriend now but I still deal with the guilt. I was with him for close to 9 years. I hid the abuse from all of our mutual friends except two, one figured it out all on his own and they are on my side.

I still haven’t said anything to anyone and we have a lot of mutual friends who know him. I still get angry when I hear his name or what he is up to, he got married within less than a year of me leaving him. This made me angry, I wanted to tell his wife what kind of monster he was, but then this rational side of me just says don’t you will look crazy. So I don’t but I am sure people have figured something out since some people avoid him as well, they feel like he only bothers them when he wants something and they are right.

I still fear running into him which is why I avoid certain places or friends. Then I get angry that I let him do that to me. I know that things have gotten better since then, my life is good but I still deal with a lot of guilt and frustration. I also got stuck with all the financial debt as I was always the one who worked and paid the bills. I figured it would be easier since I really didn’t want to see him again or give him a reason to bother me. In someways it is since I don’t have to deal with him but I feel like I am still paying for us and him and it can feel like he is still right there in my life.

I feel angry with myself that I hid this other side of him to everyone. The one family member who did learn of it stopped talking to me when I told him and decided to stay with my ex years ago. Talk about feeling isolated, I was 1000 miles away from everyone in my life and he was the only family I had so I felt very alone and figured I would just do better and be more supportive and maybe the threats would stop. They never did.

I wish people understood that leaving is complex, but it worked when I needed him to be there for me. My father was very sick and facing death and I could do nothing. I also had a wonderful career move at the same time but I needed him to take care of me due to both situations & he didn’t. Actually he just kicked me when I was down about my father. I guess that is one way to get someone like this out of your life, expect something from them.

I know someday I won’t be so angry & I know that I could have stayed longer and had kids with him which I didn’t. I have been to a therapist, I do hit the gym and I have tried to work on my own things one of which is an art installation I am considering doing about all of this. I hope it can start to give me the closure I need. Sometimes I have to just stop and look at all the good in my life but it can be hard when certain triggers open up a floodgate that I can’t seem to stop.

I know I at least got away when I did and that says a lot.
on January 18, 2010 at 1:36 am thelaststraw

Dearest Angela,
I am so so sorry. I have been dealing with life and unable to post in time. It broke my heart to read your post. None of this, again, none of this was your fault. I hope that you are doing better now. Time really does heal many wounds. No one should ever tell you to ever get over anything. It took my mind ten years to stop having nightmares that he was trying to kill me. I was pretty happy during the day but at night my mind always went to the buried fear. I hope you have found ways to get through the bad times. I promise to be back posting on a regular basis and hope you will come by again.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on January 18, 2010 at 1:24 am thelaststraw

Dear Lucy,
I am so upset with myself to see that you post has been here for months. I hope I am not to late in supporting you. I know you are still dealing with the same things today. My saying all of the anxiety and PTSD are normal but that won’t help. It can feel like you are dying a bit each day. Figure it took you years to get in this state and it can take years to come out of it. I worry that you are already in a relationship, that worries me that you have not have enough alone time to heal. I feel that being along for as long as possible ben be the biggest healer when a person has been abused. If you are happy with the man that you are with than you will find a way to get through this. Remember, this is about you, not him, he will be there when he can.

Stop worrying about it never being enough. Focus on one day or one hour at a time. There is no goal except to take one day at a time, like an addict, you need to find a way to get through each day, if that means staying home and crying and watching movies for the day or going to councelling once a week. Pretend you are supporting a friend or loved one that has gone through what you have, cut yourself some slack. It is going to take maybe years to feel like yourself. It was years before I could laugh out loud and not cover my mouth in fear of abuse.

I wish you all the best and strength always.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on October 2, 2009 at 9:46 pm lucy

Dear Rebecca,

I have been reading all the stories on here and they have drove me to tears as they are all too familiar with me.

I at present suffer with the aftermath of a domestic violence relationship. However, a court battle over our house is still ongoing, for the past 3 years come november.

I was with my b/f for 6 and a half years and the loop of honeymoon period to violence worsened when we lived together for the last 3 years of that relationship. In short we bought my family home and as soon as we moved in the abuse escalated. Looking back, he wanted the house, my finances, not me. He would go out all day and wasnt allowed to ask where he had been, while i went out to work and paid for the house. Due to the fact that i grew up there plus had some tragic family history tied to that house (my brother was killed in an rta in 1990 amongst others) plus the bond i had with it, he used this as emotional blackmail if i tried to leave as he knew how much sentiment i had tied to the place.

Including the violence and other abuse, i was monitored on my where abouts, had my msn hacked, all phone numbers taken out of my phone and the like, as well as solely funding the house. A far cry to the man that I was to move in with.

By the time i was to leave, he had installed a camera in the house to watch what i did while he wasnt there. 2 days before i left he held me at knifepoint. When I did leave, I went to stay with my parents 70 miles from the house. I recieved continous death threats and death threats to my place of work. I left 90% of my belongings behind which I never regained. To crown it, he destroyed the business I had back near the house by way of death threats ( I was self employed ). I was then financially ruined with debts over my head. This sent me into breakdown. I did have an injunction at this point. He breached it 8 times. The police were told, 8 times he wasnever arrested as stated in the order. We even wrote higher to complain about this.

From there I found the strength to learn to drive and start to re build my career to a point so far. In the midst of the 3 years since, I found out that he had 3 affairs and conned money out of all of them, conned money out of friends, successfully secured a loan to the house using someone to impersonate me, has tried to commit fraud in my name 5 times in total. Even his date of birth was different to what I had known it. This is only some.

I have been to and fro court and had a final judgement in my favour over the house. He has ignored this and at the mo have a posession order which is due with bailiifs. This week, he has started to try and sell the house from underneath me. Since he has forged my identity once successfully even down to signature and all it takes is for “me” to “sign” the deeds, I have notified the bank and given them copies of the orders to state we are the only ones legally allowed to sell.

But,,emotionally I am drained. I am in a relationship now and have been for a year. We were friends for a year previous before we went out together and he has been understanding as he knew my background when we were mates. He understands that I have PTSD. But now the PTSD is dragging me down. I had nightmares last night and have had these for the 3 years. It left me this morning teary again. I still feel empty as a person, let alone as a woman, even though im working my career part time, driving now (even though sometimes I panic on this sometimes) amongst other life changing things.
I woke up and felt resentful of my present partner, even though it was nothing to do with him. I (again) couldnt do anything this morning and have been teary all day.
my dearest friends are all back 70 miles away. I now still live at parents in a very rural area where I was in a city. I get a lot of times that I dont feel as though I have an identity as I want to find me but because of being in a more isolated area cant live out and move on where I want to go or do at full. Being here sometimes warps my views and have the panic attacks, the hypervigilance, paranoia etc..all i know my ex is tha first person to walk into my life that made me experience anger and that is not me. I feel more insecure than I have ever been due to the PTSD and my own image through losing so much of what I worked for, in the aftermath.

I really would like your advice as to where to go from here, as i would really like to begin to actually feel like a whole person again. As much as I try it sometimes just feels like its never enough.
on September 27, 2009 at 2:39 am Rebecca

Dear Christie,

It broke my heart to read your email. We have such guilt over loving such a man. Just like a child loves a parent who hurts them. Allow your self to love him, but love yourself more, you will never go back. Don’t base your hopes and dreams on him changing, base them on you changing. The aftermath is like mourning the death of your husband and the life you had imagined it would be. You are so young, your babies are so young. I could beg you not to make the mistakes I have made but you will decide which ones to make all on your own.

My nightmares lasted ten years but once I was truly happy with me, my life and new life they stopped. The nightmares are you subconcious, your fears coming out. They would always remind you of what you don’t want again.

If there is that much distance between you I hope you can find ways to breathe.

As far as the things you have found on your computer, if he is not with you why can’t you simply send an anonamous?? call to a hotline, there must be something that the police have for this, child protection. The things he is doing is by far worse than a girlfriend, of wife snooping through emails. You must protect another mother’s children from him.

If you can I think you need more one on one support, if you can get into counceling, it is the best thing to help you move on. You can not just simply push this down and away, you have to go through the greif, fear and anxiety, once you do, you can rebuild your home and life one day at a time. It took time to destroy and it will take time to rebuild. Give yourself that time. Don’t expect too much too fast.

I encourage you to post again, let the men and women here know how you are doing, let us be a support network for you too. Your strength is buried deep within you so you must dig deep.

you must fall apart and rebuild to help your children as well.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 26, 2009 at 1:25 am Christie

Dear Rebecca,
I have so much fear and anxiety. I understand the guilt thing, I mean I was supposed to protect my son, what kind of mother am I to have gone back to an abusive drug addict so many times. The last time I went back my son was happy go lucky, then when he saw “daddy” started to scream (he’s 12months old) as if he had just gotten shots. Why didn’t I just leave again? Now, safe and away again, I continue to find child porn on my husband’s email, he continues to do drink, and none of this can be proven without me risking a 5 year prison sentence for going onto his email. I haven’t slept a whole night through in a year. Every time I shut my eyes I see him coming at me, or hear him screaming “You F’ing B**, I’m going to F’ing Kill you, you’re worthless, only thing you can offer me is sex, go to hell and go F** yourself, I hope someone comes and murders you, you’re the biggest sack of S*** ever to crawl the earth, you little slut, you were probably f** everyone in college.” Over and over in my head. Or see him with blood dripping down his nose as he’s crying after doing cocaine. He’s gotten off the coke but replaced it with pot and alcohol. I’m scared for my children to be alone with him. His newest addiction is to hurt me. He’s 1,000 miles away and I still live in terror each night. And the worst part is that I still love him. Why? I don’t want to love him, I want to move on. He’s only 24 years old, so I just keep thinking “He’ll grow out of it, he’ll get tired of it…” But I know that’s just a fantasy. But I’m still scared for my kids and myself not moving on. I have a 5 month daughter and now 2 yr old son. My husband is rich and has destroyed us and continues to do so. What should I do. Child porn, alcohol, drugs, violence, most of which was with us, alone. HELP!!
on September 15, 2009 at 3:25 am Rebecca

Ange, I am happy you got to see your friend, do you share with her what is really going on in your head? It is good to talk, others may not have all the answers but having someone to listen can help. thank you for writing. Hope to hear from you again.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 3, 2009 at 6:26 pm Angela

My best freind called me this morning and said lets go have lunch today. I called my husband and told him where I would be and he said it is about time you got back out into the world. My Friend and I talked for over an hour she took and extra long lunch just to be with me. The last thing she said to me was gee Ange you are looking so much better. I just told her she hit me on a good day cause I still have really bad days.
Ange
on August 2, 2009 at 4:13 am melissa

i have been away from my abuser for 2 years and finally am realizing the importance of talking about what i was put through.
for any woman out there that is an abusive relationship with children, put your kids first and get out. think of it this way: even if your broke, there are always community services that’ll help… but past that if you dont leave this cycle of abuse is going to be continued on by your child. the person that will be hurt the most is your child, and that’s prob the biggest reason your staying, please women dont let anyone hurt you women are amazing! we really are. we are able to do anything, set your mind to it and u can do whatever you want to do, and on your own with 5 kids if need be u can do it!!
on July 31, 2009 at 8:04 pm Angela

I was in a very abusive relationship for nearly 10 years. This mostly involved rape of multiple times and by 3 of his friens to. I am happily married now, but my friends tell me this is in the past ans leave it there. they do not have to relive the meories through nightmares eerynite like I do. If I could just get angery. Oh I have but not to the point where I think I should be. I know I am a Survior, but I still fill like its my fault cause I did not get out. I tried to kill myself on June 16 this year and have been on medical leave ever since. I am going back in about 2 weeks.
Ange
Ange
on July 7, 2009 at 11:56 pm Rebecca

Dear Dear Jackie,
It breaks my heart to hear such sadness and hurt in a young lady. Focus on feeling good inside and being the girl you really are. Verbal abuse is worse than physical sometimes. The words and hurt play over and over in your mind. The time will come for you to meet and be in love. I know that you are lonely but if you could find some other way to fill your soul than being in love it will come. Try to focus only on you, making friends and the arrival of your baby. There is a good man out there for you but you must be hole inside first. You have so much ahead of you. Try now before the baby comes becuase if he is abusive now, it will be worse with the birth of a child.
Seek as much support as you can, you will need it.
Anger is a natural stage too. We all go through it. Now you are having a baby and are pretty much alone. Not the fairy tale you dreamed of. Be angry, it is allowed, be a bith, that is allowed to. You decide how to feel, not others. Let the anger out of it will fester and get worse. Find ways to heal that hurting little girl inside of you Jackie. It will make all the difference to that baby you are carrying. The only two people that matter in this world are you and that baby.
My son is 19 now, he saw too much at 4 years old. He is the best thing that happned to me, he made me strong and happy.
I sincerely wish you all the best and hope to hear soon that you are feeling more like you happy, fun self.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 5, 2009 at 10:16 pm Jackie

hi my names jackie, i’m 19 years old, i was in an abusive relationship for 2+ years. i finally broke free of it.. well somewhat. i’m now pregnant and we still talk. it’s been a while since any physical abuse occured, however he keeps up with verbal. Which i find worse, i know ive already been affected emotionally. i was once the social, outgoing, silly, girl, who had so many friends. Now i can say i maybe have one real friend. I would never say my pregnancy is a burden, but the age group i’m in, not many people invite “pregnant” people to occasions. Also i’m so angry. when me and ‘him’ talk, talk about us.. i notice i’m such a b***h. and of course hes sure to tell me. it makes me so mad that he doesnt get why i am the way i am. sometimes i felt that at the end of the relationship i became the abuser. that was never who i was and never my intention.. but i was so angry!! last night i cried alone realizing that im scared to be in love again, i dont think i can take getting hurt. i don’t know how i would act with someone new, especially when arguing. everytime i get asked on a date i find an excuse to keep from going. i know im not ready, but im just tired of keeping these walls up. i miss who i used to be. i know its there. but i cant seem to move past this anger, and these emotions. i feel alone.
on April 9, 2009 at 3:15 am thelaststraw

Dear Kat,

You should reread your post and then ask if you are strong. Damn, most never do what you are doing and they live, or die to regret it. You are a big influence on other woman. You should share how you managed to stay strong, get out, deal with the shit you don’t want to see to move on. By doing what you are doing now you are ensuring that the rest of your life will erase the crappy past. Past does not equal the future.

Love & Peace,
Post again,
Rebecca
on April 2, 2009 at 10:46 am Kath

Hi,
Thanks for not saying get over it. I finally left my abuser this past year. I just cut all the ties and served him divorce papers.
It is all coming out now just how shamed I have been by him. I think I am still in denial I lost 10 years to a psychotic person and how badly that has affected me.
Right now I live at my parents and I feel so helpless. I have been in therapy for 4 years and thanks for that I have left. I also see a coucellor as well. I feel like I am digging through my past to see how I have allowed it to happen. But I am not doing enough to heal up and move on. So I found your site and I am looking forward to reading more on how to do that.
on January 27, 2009 at 8:22 am loren

myy herat is just broken by the immense pain and agony of this perversion that happens to marriages. i have been there. i have moved on in so many ways, but often end up in the bath in tears, or just in a moment things HIT me. i am now dealing with trying to treat my new and good husband right.i am in the middle of dealing with,that i project all my anger and heart ache…betrayal..and basically the instinct to fight for my life onto him. the anger that can well up at me in a moments notice,can fight off 10 men im sure..which is stregnth i needed to have before. i had forgotten about the atrosities of the reality i lived for 8 years with my tormentor. any advise on how to stop thinking all men are cruel monsters without a heart(not in the cliche) but in all reality,as i often put these things onto my very loving and kind new husband.thanx
on January 14, 2009 at 2:58 am thelaststraw

Dear Sarah,

God Bless, you are well on your way to healing. Just by the way you wrote. Take one day at a time and you will have all that you dream. Show that little man of yours how great life can really be when you are happy. Keep us updated.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on December 31, 2008 at 10:03 pm Sara Leigh

Thank you so much for your kind words. I didnt realize how angry I was until a few days ago when I took my anger out on my family. I keep blaming myself for staying as long as I did.
And I am scared to ask for professional help because I dont want to be labeled as another headcase. (Which I am sure many can relate to that.) I thought I could discuss it with my family. But seeing everyone else’s messages I realize, my family isnt the only one that doesnt, or cant understand.
I blocked out so much while I was with him. And its only been since our divorce that so much has come back. And like you said its going to be that way. So thank you so much, I dont feel so crazy about it anymore.
And my sweet son, he tells me its ok that I am not with him, (my ex), anymore, because he didnt treat me right. He prays everynight, and asks that “Mommy finds a better husband who will take care of me and treat me right?”
I didnt think he realized all that went on. I guess kids are smarter than we realize.

Thank you again. And to everyone else who posts here. You are all strength and encouragement. I wish you all strength to endure, no matter your situation!
on December 31, 2008 at 8:17 pm thelaststraw

Dear Sarah,

First, I applaud you, to hear of someone so young leaving abuser makes me extremely happy. Most stay far longer out of love and fear. So you go girl!

Next, all that you are going through is normal (sounds like an odd term for this) but it is. I lived in such daily fear that thinking about what he had done 2 days ago was not possible. You were living and surviving each and every horrible moment as if came to you. Now you are feeling safer. That is when all shit will come down on you. Now you will remember each horrible moment and you will be the one that gets to take all the blame.

One note, your family, no matter how much they love you will never understand why you did stay. Hell, we don’t understand why we stayed so long. That is the reason I started this blog and my book, to explain why we did stay.

I understand you stayed because you loved him first, then feared him most. You don’t have to justify to ANYONE why you stayed, especially to yourself.

Do what you are doing but also get real help to let go of the anger and pain of that past. The past does not equal the future, unless you let it.

The best way to forgive yourself (what a concept) is to heal. I did therapy, one on one for my son and I. At the time I didn’t think if did anything except let me cry and say things he had done to a stranger and not family. He helped me to see that as much as I had tried to minimize how I lived it really had shocked others that I was alive.

Ten years later when I will mention I was surprised to still be having dreams about being killed or chased through the house my family will say, you really need to just forget that kind of stuff, don’t focus on it. I pretty much just look at them like really? Then I remember to blog here or talk to a friend that gets it. I don’t dwell on it, I try to find a reason to put it to good use.

There are stages to mourning anything, like death you have lost a husband and what you wanted to be a family unit. You have lost a dream of forever. You mostly lost who you were for sometime, that adds lots of guilt. If you think about it, healing the heartbroken girl inside of you, accepting that you stayed and being grateful that you are free and will never allow that in your life is farther than most women will ever get.

You are wise beyond your years. You are so strong already and being alone and taking the time to raise your son and clear your thoughts is the first step. You have a lot going on and I can tell from your writing that you will be a wonderful support for others.

Enjoy your child, your freedom, your fresh start and remember, that was before, life is now.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on December 30, 2008 at 4:10 pm Sara Leigh

I finally left my abusive husband about a year ago. As of about 3 weeks ago our divorce was final. We were only married for 2 years, but lived together for 4 years. We had no children together, however I have a 5 year old son that he basicly raised for 4 years.
He abused me in so many ways, In every way possible actually. Most of it I just blocked from memory, but since I have been away from him, all that he did to me is coming back. Like a person with amnesia, I am remembering things like it just happened. The more I remember the more I get angry. Not just with him, but with myself for staying so long, And when I try and open up to my family, mostly my mother and aunt, I dont get the “get over response” I get the “Why did you stay so long?” question. And I hate that question. It only makes me angrier. I dont know how to respond. I know my family only wants to help me but I cant seem to get them to understand that I stayed with him because I loved him.
I guess it might make a little more sense to tell you that I am 22. I was married at 20, and met my ex-husband when I was barely 18. So my parents are very protective.
But now I am trying to build a life for me and my son. Trying to move on. I have a good job, I am in college and graduate in May. But no matter how much I try and move on, and build a life, I cant get rid of the pain, and the anger.
I take it out on my family. I cant take any one talking down to me! I supress it as much as possible, but then I end up with a major outburst of uncontrollable anger. I dont know what to do…
I feel just as lost now, as I did when I was with him.
How can I over come my anger?
on October 21, 2008 at 1:10 am thelaststraw

Gy,

What is happening, you finally feel safe. You finally feel like you can let out all of the pain that was hidden for so long. If you family can’t handle it maybe you need a councelor. Someone who you can say anything to and they won’t be horrified.

i went through the same things. I am very proud that you are now in a healthy place. In order to make sure that the past is over you must deal with that anger and pain.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 21, 2008 at 10:24 pm gy

it is such a relief to see that there is actually a problem of anger after an abusive relationship and it is not only me. Thank you for posting this blog. I had an emotionally abusive relationship for 14 yrs, 8 years of it i was married to him. I finally got out of it 16 months ago. I am 32 yrs old now. For the first one year I was very angry at him and although I kept telling myself that I forgave myself for staying in that relationship, i think I was still angry at myself too. After a year I felt like my anger was going away, i was talking about my past more easily, having less nightmares and moving on.

But the anger changed its path. I have a very nice boyfriend, very supportive sister who opened my eyes about the abuse i was facing and helped me through my divorce, and a close girlfriend who empowered me. During the last few months I found myself communicating my problems with them with great anger and outburst, which was very shocking and frightening to them. I feel so ashamed. I don’t understand what is happening really. why do i have this anger towards them while my anger towards him is decreasing? Why didn’t i discuss the problems i had before having an outburst? My sister told me that my ex’s way to see people, his anger and hatred towards them might also affected my vision and my way of communicating. This is so hard to take. Even though my sister doesn’t suggest that, i can’t stop thinking “Am I being like him??” How can i stop this anger and communicate in a more mature way.
on September 13, 2008 at 2:06 am thelaststraw

Dear Ann Marie,

Sorry, I have been off line with family illness. You sound like a level headed gal. Can you just leave? Is there really anthing keeping you in that house? Do you have the money to just back up a uhaul and take what matters when he is gone? If so than make a plan. I have always said we stay because we fear leaving more than we fear staying. Once you fear staying more than leaving, you will leave. Why wait for that kind of fear.

Take the courage you have shown you have and say enough. Why get an arm broken of a trip down the stairs of like me, a knife to the throat if you can head it off know.

Call the abuse hotline and tell them your fears. They will help you make a step by step plan. I really understand your fears and don’t make light of them but the thought of staying because you fear he will kill you is no different than the fear you will have of him killing you if you leave. Once I realized either way I could die I had the strength to take a knife to the back, at least if I died I would die in the process of leaving him. Not by laying down and just letting him kill me.

he is killing you more each day, stop him know.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 3, 2008 at 11:15 pm Jennifer

I can be written to at my email anytime. I forgot to mention that fact.
on August 3, 2008 at 11:15 pm Jennifer

Thanks for the post about anger. I have severe PSTD. I am trying to recover with the help of a great psychologist. The self anger is the worst. It helps to know other women are going through the same problem. I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself, or if that is even important. I’m free of him legally being divorced, but I know if he wants to kill me someday he will. I live with that knowledge every day. He is psychotically bipolar so I never know what will be in store should his medicine stop working someday, or he stop taking it. And even if he never laid a hand on me again, I’m beaten, stabbed and tortured and raped by him day after day in my mind anyway. You can’t go back ever to the mind, body and life you used to have. So I am grateful each day I’m still healthy and able to live my life and have some mental strength to keep moving forward.

God Bless us all in our journeys, and especially God Bless the women still out there trapped in the horrible nightmare we have lived through. May God keep them safe and help them find their freedom someday.

Jen
on July 22, 2008 at 10:20 am Ann Marie

Dear Rebecca,

Thank you so much for posting this blog and for showing such compassion with your advice. You wrote the following: “I was the one that had minimized so much of what happened that when I would see there shocked faces at things I said I really realized how bad things were.” It sounds like that’s where I am right now.

I am 47 years old, college educated, with a good job in the IT field. I have been described my whole life by others as a calm, good, “sweet”, woman. We can all interpret that as passive. I don’t make waves, and I can’t stand conflict or drama. For years, I fooled myself into thinking that I was far too spiritually evolved to go that route. But this past year, I realized it I am not “evolved”, I am living in fear. This fear has numbed me so much that I have very slow emotionall responses to serious events.

I have been involved for 12 years with a man and we both have grown children from previous relationships and a 10 year old daughter together. I started trying to leave him in 2003 by taking on assignments in northern cities and bringing our daughter with me. But I never sold the house which is in my name, and my daughter’s ashtma kept bringing us back to the balmy climate, and to my home where he was still residing. Last summer I gave up leaving him by moving away and tried instead to sell the house. With the market’s bad timing, the house sat on the market with a make offer sign and still no takers. I gave up the ‘sell the house from under both our feet’ strategy.

Several times I would ask him to move out, he would say yes then sit and do nothing. Meanwhile, I continued to put up with his long unexplained absences, refusal to contribute, his insults and put downs and other very bad behavior. Since there were no obvious signs of abuse, I didn’t think that I was in danger. But my body knew. I put on 60 pounds, I had trouble concentrating, I found myself very anxious around any man who showed me the slightest attention. I gave up one by one my favorite activities, and didn’t realize I had completely shut down until this summer.

Last fall, one day I packed up some of his belongings and piled them on the enclosed front porch. I did this because another deadline had passed where he promised to move out and then didn’t. When he came home that night and saw the boxes, he told me he was going to beat the S** out of me and F*ng kill me if I touched his things again.

I said I was emotionally slow, it wasn’t until then I realized this was an abusive relationship. I responded by standing straight and tall and turning my cheek to him. With him 6’4, towering over me less than 3 inches away. I spoke very quietly. The louder he shouted, the quieter I got. But my message was clear. Go ahead and hit me. You and I both know you are strong enough to wipe me off this earth with one blow. Is this how you resolve your conflicts? By hitting a girl? This is what your mother taught you? Please hit me, I would love to have a solid reason to lock you up. You want to kill me? You may as well. Your mistreatment has left me numb inside. I think I’m already dead. I feel nothing. Go ahead and orphan your daughter. Because either way you will end up in prison and both of our lives will be over and no one will be left to watch over our daughter. Give it your best shot and please enjoy yourself as you ruin her life.

I don’t know where those words came from, or my calm, but it worked. He didn’t hit me. But here it is almost a year later, and he is still here. I have often thought of getting a locksmith and just locking him out, but was always afraid of his retaliation. I thought I was being weak until this week. Now I realize my reluctance was based on a more primal fear that probably saved my life. A couple days ago his estranged adult son drove in to visit his cousins in the area and to establish a relationship with his 10 year old sister. Tonight we had a very disturbing conversation where he told me of his father’s past that I had no knowledge of. It turns out that this guy has held a knife to the throats of other women including this son’s own mother, who tried to leave him. In his son’s opinion, just changing the locks would only enrage his father who could easily kick the door in. He also thinks his father hasn’t hit me yet because I am already so passive and have put up with all of his exploits without taking action. No other woman he knew endured all that I had. His suggestion was to go to one of those people who buy ugly houses, sell it at cost and walk away, with everything inside and choose another city in the south to live in.

I know that your blog is focused more on the anger one feels after leaving an abusive relationship. I either already forgave him or am too numb still to feel my own anger quite yet. And so this may not be the right forum to ask, but how does one walk away from one’s own mortgage? I have absolutely no faith in restraining orders, or police involvement. Involving them may only worsen the situation, especially since he hasn’t openly attacked me yet. My own family is spread about the country and not immediately nearby to lean on. I have no friends, not because of any exclusion tactics on his part, but because of my own, quiet, somewhat reclusive nature (it’s me, the IT geek). I have to handle this alone. What is the safest way? Yes, if you choose to do so, you can respond by email. and again, thank you for this forum. Just writing this note to you helped to galvanize my suspicions.
on June 4, 2008 at 3:30 am thelaststraw

Dear Lauren,

The hell with other people, there are many shoulders in this world for you to cry on. Just read the posts here. YOu are never alone, others who don’t know you really do care.
on June 4, 2008 at 3:20 am thelaststraw

You have take care of yourself, you often hear you must forgive, that is the last step and the hardest one. I actually forgave my abuser long before forgiving myself. Make sure you let go of the anger towards yourself, for that monster just don’t matter anymore. He isn’t worth another thought of yours.

Be well, you are a strong person.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on April 9, 2008 at 11:56 pm Marie

I was abused by my father when I was 15. This was not the only time he emotionally or physically beat me. He previously was married to my mother for 21 years. She was a victim of his severe abuse.
I am now in my thirties and recently came across a journal of my mothers recounting the abuse she took from my father. My mother left my brother and I to live with our Dad. For years , I have been angry with her, but now I realize he manipulated us into thinking our mother did not care. I am angry with him. He is a MONSTER!!
He loves to focus on his own problems , but never the abuse he inflicted on all of us. I do not think I can ever forgive him. He is the reason, for a lot of my mothers and brothers problems. I think you can try to forget, but I do not think you can forgive.
on April 8, 2008 at 2:12 am Megan

I was in an emotinally and physically abusive relatonship for 4 years – we were married one year and have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. After being spit on, pushed around, called names, locked out of the house, told the problem was all mine and I’m mentally ill and seeking help because I believed him, and then hit, shoved around, had a restraining order placed on me at 9 months pregnant because I reacted to his abuse of me, made fun of for being raped earlier in my life and on and on, I finally had enough and filed for divorce.

The worst part, now, and during the marriage, is that after trying to deal with things “normally” by talking them out and trying to discuss how his treatment was affecting me (and being blown off and called mentally ill), was that I’ve become abusive myself. Not towards our daughter, she’s innocent in all this, but towards him, and his family who have stood by him even when I went to them to ask for help with his abuse of me.

I found this site because I googled “full of hate”, because that’s how I feel now. I hate him, I hate his mother, I hate his friends, I hate everyone who’s stood by and said nothing to him because he is able to turn his abuse on and off at the drop of a hat – he looks like the calm normal person while I look like a raving looney. I’m worried that he is going to use this to get custody of our daughter somehow – one last way he can hurt me.

I am so scared, and so so so full of anger. I am going to call my psychaitrist tomorrow because I think if I make steps to get help for this now, he can’t use my abuse against me.

I don’t know…. just venting.. Thank you for this site and to all who have shared their stories. I hope it gets better for all of us.
on April 7, 2008 at 2:19 am taughtcompassion

I am 45 years old. I have recently ended a relationship of 4 years thank god!

I met this gentleman online on what I would have considered to be a clean date site. A couple of my girlfriends and I had joined.

I spoke only to him twice. He wanted to get together soon to meet as in person we get real communication. Eye contact and body language. I decided for safety reasons that if I met anyone that I would meet them at the police station and certainly inform my friends of my whereabouts. If they were gonna be creeps I am going to get them on camera. My way of thinking was that they can’t be bad if they are willing to be on camera.

Our first date was awesome. He had a coffee ready for me and we took a stroll to the lake and talked for hours. We both enjoyed the outdoors it was and still is very theraputic place for me. He loved everything that I did.

I was lavished with flowers sometimes twice in one week. I remember watching a romantic movie and him planting the most romantic kiss on me that just blew me out of the water. He was most prompt on a date. Exactly to the minute. Within 2 weeks I was being introduced to his family and friends. He had many friends. He was bubbly unbelievably bubbly, charming to the “T” and very good looking. I met his children far too quickly that did upset me and I told him so. He was the perfect father. Although they lived with the mother this man took them to nearly all medical appointments. Went to all of the sporting events that he could as he worked continental shifts. There were dinners and gifts and wouldn’t let me pay for a thing. My son was so happy that I was so happy. I remember once doing my hair getting ready for our date and thanking god for what he had sent me. In my mind I was thinking that I must never have experienced love before because this was far too surreal. This carried on for aproximately 5 months when I would recognize some changes. Now insteading getting together every other weekend it would appear that he was way too busy but would fit me in on the way to a sporting event with dinners on the run etc. I tried to be understanding about this after all, he was a great father, fun to be around and everyone loved his charm. I sat down with him about 2 months later when I felt like he was constantly running. I asked him to come and sit with me for a minute and asked him how he felt about us. He looked at me and said ” I am not in love with you if that’s what you mean”. I let him go. I cried and let him go. I didn’t understand.

I was so sad. I prayed to god because I didn’t know how this could happen. How could he say these words yet have the most amazing behaviour for this length of time. I had some of his friends tell me they had known him for years and had never seen him like this ever before. Unbelievable. 3 weeks later I would receive an email and then a phone call. I was wrong. I missed you. We are good together etc. I questioned if he was coming back out of loneliness etc. The flowers came again and so did the nightmare of games. We spent hours talking about view points , We had very similar veiwpoints, similar values and similar spending habits. He even knew when my menstrual cycle would start and stop. I found this unusual however I looked at it like the fellow is just so into me. Just a great and caring guy.

Infact much of my thinking was changed. A slow progression. I would give him compliments that I felt he deserved and I put him on a pedestal. He had won me over and now anytime that something odd took place and I questioned it would be turned around on me. I would be looking at myself as though it must be me. I was starting to act desperate. There were subtle putdowns, no more compliments, no more flowers. There were still dates and he was prompt and bubbly. We would break up again and again and again. My love for him was so strong and so warped in reality because I had split from myself. I tried to bury my feelings. I was reading Eckart Tolle books. I was looking at myself thinking I must be having anxiety disorder. I had it nearly all the time now. I will say the books did help me with this to find some peace within my mind. I seen rages that I knew I wasn’t to be blamed for. He acted like a robot, never revealing his feelings, and the best one yet. He had no remorse for his rages. I knew that something was wrong with him. I did tons of reading trying to find the problem.

After we broke up the 2nd time. It would be me calling him and crying to him because I felt like a nothing without him. He would even say to me I feel like I am your only happiness. I heard grandiose statements that I would confront him on. They did lose their power. He wouldn’t say them again after I confronted them. The extreme bubbly behavour stopped after I confronted him. On the 3rd time he would completely abandon me. Once again claiming that he didn’t feel the way I did. He didn’t feel at all because he was not connected. He couldn’t relate to emotion. He wasn’t just shutting it off like I wanted to believe. it was not there at all. In the end he had distorted thoughts he would tell me about the negative messages he received but could never reveal them to me. His voice was fearful when he told me. It wasn’t safe for me to have an opinion. God forbid if it was different from his, I would end up feeling stupid. His mind changed facts that I could finially use for my sanity. I am a very well read person on self help and here was a case of getting caught even knowing in my better judgement.

Thank god I was strong enough in my mind to know logic because he slipped. He would tell me that he couldnt commit to the following day because he was non committing and that, I had seen. Nearly everytime I asked for something I was denied. Like going to a particular movie or do something I wanted to do and especially when I wanted to do it. I felt punished like a child and stupid. But worst of all I felt like I was losing my mind. Especially when he changed facts creating things to create havoc. And when he slipped boy did my anger come out. If he was the non committing person why in hell’s name would he give me a work schedule of his a few weeks ago. For what purpose? I thank god for my anger and the strength of my sanity….I am still here.

It could be a long time before I ever get involved again. I have learnt to trust in myself before ever again sitting down to question someone else. I will learn to better communicate my needs and cover up my own hurt. If they treat me like I am stupid I will be gone that fast. I will have better boundaries and forgive myself for the deception I was not responsible for. I thank god for my girlfriends who listened to me the whole time.

In one short week I have cried more than in my lifetime as I begin my grieving process. The anger, the sadness, the nauseated feelings i get when I look at the expensive gifts he gave me. I have pictures of a trip he took me on. I am ready to face it all. I am also guarding myself . I don’t know if he will contact me although everything that I have read tells me he won’t. I confronted the work schedule in an email. I will guard myself.
on March 11, 2008 at 9:47 am Troubled Teen

Abusive teen relationship causes behavioral and emotional problems to teens. Teens must be helped in getting out of this situation. Parents have to help their troubled teen and come back on right track.
http://www.troubledteensearch.com/
on February 29, 2008 at 9:06 am Lauren

I’m 33 and left my emotionally abusive husband several months ago even though it put me in a vulnerable situation, – being in a new and foreign country with no money, no work permit and nowhere to go. I knew he was destroying me and he couldn’t stop. I spent years asking that question, “why does he do/ say that?” and no therapist could ever tell me. I needed answers and got nothing but blank stares and feeble suggestions – as if they’d never heard of such a thing. I began to doubt my ability to understand or even rermember anything that happened correctly, just like he said. Feeling completely trapped and alone, I decided to go on antidepressants to give me some clarity. When I started to pick myself up again I became less afraid of him.

With this he slowly planted the seed in other people’s minds that I was unstable, needed to be hospitalised, was “taking too many pills”, “drinking too much”. He tried to convince my psychiatrist to tranqualise me, behind my back. Thankfully she didn’t, but she didn’t seem outraged by it either. He comes across so charming and humble, so persuasive, attentive and open-minded. Not at all the bullying, aggressive, manipulative kind. So all of this was very frightening to me. I knew I would lose all credibility, not to mention losing my rights. He could also divorce me and have me removed from the country without my consent(which is what he tried to do).

I am proud that i had the presence of mind to leave and seek legal aid, without any help or hint from anyone. I can see now how strong I really am, not the weak, inferior person he insisted I was. I know I did the right thing and don’t miss him, or even blame myself for his behaviour. Mostly i’m happy and working to improve my situation.

At first I was so relieved to be away from him I was walking on air and didn’t think about him too much. I felt safe despite the uncertainty of my future. But lately i realise there is real anger growing inside me. I’m angry with him, that nobody helped me when I was clearly asking for it, and the condescending attitude of people who dismiss this as one of life’s little humps. Its lonely to realise that few people in my life want to hear any of this, and how hard it is to relate to people normally again. It sneaks up on me out of the blue and I’ll just start to cry. Sometimes I think about these things and I can’t get it out of my mind for hours. I’ve also had some bad dreams lately in which I’m breathless with panic. I’ve thought about getting some help but I’m kind of over helpers, and I also can’t afford it. But I’m glad I found your site.
I don’t really know what to do about this, which seems to be getting worse over time.
on February 26, 2008 at 2:55 am Richard

Anger can spoil a relationship. Being close in any relationship for many years, there may not be peace and harmony throughout. There are bound to be clashes between personalities, priorities, interests and many other things. slowly the bond begins to break. Through anger and hatred, people can transform their closest of friends into their bitterest enemies.
on February 20, 2008 at 2:26 am thelaststraw

Dear Allie,

Thank you for sharing. Many of the posts here are from older women so I think you will find some of the support you need here. Because of your post I have know added your blog entry as a new post and have specifially asked for older women to post. I pray that this will help you. Please feel free to share your stories because they will encourage others to open up.

The new blog post for your stories is at http://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2008/02/20/domestic-abuse-stories-from-older-women-share-your-stories/

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on February 12, 2008 at 3:29 am ALLIE

I stumbled upon your website tonight and became emotional as I read through the many posts submitted by those now in the throes of domestic violence and those who have found the strength to leave. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 35 years until the day I left (six years ago), when, as I read somewhere in these blogs, ‘the fear of staying became greater than the fear of leaving.’ With my children’s unconditional support I have made a life for myself and participate in an older women’s domestic violence support group here in Minnesota. So very few services exist for older victims. I feel fortunate for the support I have found. I’d like to read posts from other older women about their experiences. Thank you for caring. Allie
on December 29, 2007 at 6:59 pm thelaststraw

Dear Kellie,

I read your longer post last. My heart breaks for you and your children. LIving in that kind of fear takes its toll. I lived with some of that fear of being hunted down for only a little over a year so I can’t imagine how you feel. I hadn’t realized you were still living in the fear of being abused from him again. I really don’t know what advice to give except that you need to somehow stop and take a deep breath. You have been through such a hell that many never have to deal with. Fearing what can happen will stop you life in its tracks. You are doing the best that you can now.

Letting go of the guilt can be the hardest. I had a hard time with that one. After a long time I read many self help motivational books and came to realize that my guilt now wasn’t going to make any difference in what had happened. My guilt just kept me from being the person I was today. The first thing to do is forgive yourself. Don’t worry that you are angry, you have reason to be. Try to find ways to vent that anger.
For me, it seemed to let go when I forgave my husband, granted he was dead so maybe it should have been easier but it wasn’t. I had nightmares up until a year ago, so ten years later he still haunted me.

Little by little I was able to let go of my painful past, realizing that I never wanted to attract that in my life again.

If your counceling isn’t helping maybe you need to add other things to your routine. Find (google) some great motivational books, free mp3 online and such. I love motivational stuff. I get down every few weeks and reading something uplifting or listening to a motivational tape helps me get my focus back.

Try to sit and write out what you want your life to be, in detail. Take as much space as you need. Pretend you can have anything, write how strong you want to be, that you live without fear of harm. That you are the strong woman you always dreamed, your children are happy and healthy. Then post this where you will see it everday and read it each day. It will give you something good to shoot for.

I hope that this was of some help. You are in my thoughts. Try your best to move past that horrible past and fearful future so that you can be the best mom and lady you are. Let the real Kellie come out and play.

Lots of love and Peace,
Rebecca
on December 29, 2007 at 6:50 pm thelaststraw

Dear Kellie,

Just those few words you wrote said so much. As silly and simple as it sounds all of that is up to you. When you hold on to the anger, as I had done too, you really do only hurt yourself. Once we really get that one it helps to understand more of how to let go. Find ways, reading, writing, boxing, something to help you deal with the anger and let it go. It is never easy after being abused or hurt but so necessary to have the good life you want back. Seek support and allow others to help you. You deserve to life your best life.

All my best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on December 28, 2007 at 9:20 am kellie c

I am tired of running and being anger , I want my life back again
on December 28, 2007 at 9:18 am kellie c

just want to let go of the ager
on December 28, 2007 at 9:17 am kellie c

wow i just sat here and read all these powerful letters to woman, and all i could do was keep trying to wipe the tears away so i could read the words, but it seemed like the more i wiped the more i cried, i dont think iheve cried like that in years. reading all this is like reading my life and all the abuse me and my children have suffered. It has been since 2001 since i decided to leave him, but the anger still seems to always be around. we spent from 2001 till 2007 hiding and running from shelter to shelter. and i still am so angry because i had to take my children away from home. I am more amrgy with myself because of the fact i let it happen. we have been in councleing since we do family and individual. my boys have art therapyalso. we have done so manyclasses and events to try and get on. but i still have the anger, the sadness, and most of all the fear and anxity of being found,. I took a selfe defence class to ensure that if needed i would be able to help myself. but with all these emotions the nightmares are imtolerable witch causes me not to be able to sleep because of the fear of the bad dreams, it seems i cant win on that. so i angry with myself for letting it happen . i just want all the anger to go away, so i can go and live my life as free as i can. i just not sure how, my therapy does not always help it seems i try so much but i need to learn to leet go, any suggestions would be great..i guesse leting go or putting away is the hardest part.
on October 29, 2007 at 2:01 am thelaststraw

Dear Seana,

Sorry to take so long to respond. Your email was very touching and very sad. I know exactly how you feel now. I tried for ten years to help the man that I loved so much, he didn’t want saving but I knew that I could anyway.

I can just say that allow yourself to still love him, it is okay. Chances are you also just feel so used to him being around that know that he is gone, along with really loving and missing him you are alone and afraid of what happens next.

I can’t tell you why he did what he did but he is taking care of himself. You are not his main concern. The only way to move past this, which I am hoping is what you want in my opinion is to accept that you love and miss him and put the focus on healing yourself. Just imagine if you poured all the love and help into your own well being how far you would come.

Always seek support. Others have been in your shoes, many, many others so don’t feel so alone.

You thought right: You are a survivor you just don’t really belive that sometimes. Look in that mirror and see how far you have come. I was told that people come into our lives to teach us something. If you write about your past in a book, just a notebook over time you will discover what you were to learn from this. If you take somethign from this you can move on and be even stronger.

For me it was to stand on my own two feet, to put myself first and that I was worthy of good love.

Keep in touch and from the bottom of my heart I wish you well and healing. Seek support, no one should go through what you are alone and on this blog, you are never alone.

Love and Peace,
Rebecca
on October 22, 2007 at 3:11 am Seana McMullen

I am a Twenty-nine year old female. When I was litlle my mother was in an abusive relationship (my dad). There were four of us kids and he was sexually and physically abusive to us as well. She stayed with him for fourteen years. I was five when she left him and took us to live in another state with my Aunt (her sister) I never recieved any type of counseling for my childhood due to the fact that I refused it. I guess I never wanted to face it. I never growing up thought that I would ever find myself in abusive realtionship again. Putting my childhood far behind me. I just refused to see myself as a victem.

I met a man a year and a half ago and when we met I fell so deeply in love with him. It wasnt untill three months into our relationship that I started to see signs of abuse. I found out that he was cheating on me and when I confronted him about it he got very very angry and starting yelling, name calling, and pushing. This became a pattern over the course of the next year. I knew had a severe drinking problem and inspite of all of this I didnt want to leave because I loved him. I knew that he had been abused as a child by his father and men in his church. I felt a deep compassoin for him and found myself wanting to help him. I didnt want to turn my back on him

Over the course of the year and a half that we were together I caught him in lies. So many lies. Cheating, fighting, public humiliation that he inflicted on me. Telling his family lies about me and making me look like I was the cause of all our problems in our relationship. All of this made me angry but I stayed because I loved him. I told myself that he did all of this because he didnt know any other way. Because what had happend to him as a child was the reason for all this. I wnated to help him with his drinking problem. I wanted to help him. I love him so much.

About six months ago he got caught driving drunk which was the third time he had been caught doing that in three years. With his legal problems he bagn to drink more and the abuse became worse. In August he got sentenced to six months in jail. I knew it was going to be hard but I told him I would stick it out with him and wait for him to get out. Going against my family’s wishes I stayed. My mother and my sister were the only ones that really knew what was going on between the two of us. Aside from my best friend. Trying to convince me to leave him but I couldnt.

I spent alot of time trying to convince him to quit drinking. He would get mad at me. Yelling at me, putting me down saying that I didnt understand him and that I wasnt on his side. That I might as well have incarcerated him myself. I kept telling him that once he got in jail he should try to get into an AA program. He would accuse me of being happy he was going to jail. That it would force him to quit drinking and that thats what I wanted all along. It wasnt. I loved him and the last thing I wanted was to see him go to jail. I just wanted him to do the right thing. Thats all.

A month ago I was at work and I got a phone call from one of his friends asking me if thought He was coming back. Confused, I asked where did he go? His friend said, He got on a plain two hours ago and left for greece. He ran. He was supposed to go in this month. I havent heard from him since. He hasnt returned and as far as I know is now wanted by the police.

I was and still am so heartbroken. Even after all the abuse and all the lieing and cheating. I am angry and devestated. I feel betrayed and abbandoned. After all that we went thru he just left me. I am angry at myself for still loving him. I am angry at myself for missing him the way I do and I dont understand how I got here. I come from a good family and my mother raised us well. Despite my childhood, I thought I was a survivor. Why do I feel like such victem? Why do I hate myself? I should hate him but I dont. I feel guilty for not being able to help him. Why couldnt I help him?

Please help me to find answers.
on September 24, 2007 at 6:25 pm thelaststraw

Dear Lisa,

Your post was heartbreaking. You do indeed have PTSD. How I was able to understand that for me was that you lived like you were surviving a war every day of your life. Know that is is over it can be hard to cope, especially when and if things are calm now.

We have something in common, 1 1/2 years after my husband was removed he suddenly died of a heart attack. there was no chance to fix things, say I am sorry’s and for my son to see him one more time, my son was just 6. I was living in the fear of him coming and killing me to standing above his coffin and full of a room full of people that felt I was the one that slowly killed him by making him leave his son and I.

He drank himself to death. The reason I tell you this is that for years after I still feared him and had horrible nightmares. Then after a few years my dreams changed once I forgave him. I would look at my son and realize that without this man that I hated so much i wouldn’t have had my greatest gift, my son. Soon I began to see my husband as a troubled man that was trying to numb the pain of his awful childhood. It helped me to understand, not like, some of the things he had done to me.

I had to mourn the life I had wanted. Eventually I started having dreams of us sitting on the couch talking about how our son was doing in school. It took ten years to visit his grave but it was good for me. I realized that all feelings for him were pretty much gone.

Granted I still have a nightmare of two but not as often. The best thing that you can do is to continue talking. Therapy will take many years for what you have been with, even before your husband. I encourage you to read good books, write in journals, maybe some poetry just for you and to learn to forgive yourself too. I was the last person that I was able to forgive. But, once I did it took a big weight off of my chest.

I really am touched with all that you have shared. feel free to write and I will reply.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on September 21, 2007 at 3:04 pm Lisa

I am a thirty-eight year old woman who was physically, emotionally and sexually abused as a child and teen. I was raped by an aquaintence at 21 and a year later met my husband. I loved my husband dearly, however he also was physically, emotionally and sexually abused as a child and after we married, he turned that on me. I lived in my own world for fifteen years, just trying to survive and keep my kids safe and loved. 23 months ago, I became a widow. My husband became ill and was disabled from his illnes for two years before it took his life. During that time I cared for him. I fed him through I.V.s, I bathed and dressed him….He became, in that time, the most spiritual, humble, honest caring man I have ever met. His last words to me were…’Honey, who will take care of you and the kids, I am going to die” He cried, I cried and a day and a half later, he was gone. Three days after his funeral, I found a letter from him on his laptop. He apologized to me for ‘ruining my life’ and leaving me alone. He told me how much he loved me, but I never got to respond because he was already gone. My therapist says I have PTSD. i live every day wanting something I don’t have. Wanting what I could have had with my husband after his personal transformation only he was too ill to carry out daily tasks, let alone live as a loving couple. I fell into an eating disorder shortly after he passed away and ended up in the hospital for seven weeks at a weight of 92 pounds. I have gone through being addicted to pain medications, tried alcohol to cope, cut myself to numb the emotional pain….I just can’t let go of all the years passed and what it made me feel like. I never talked about my childhood abuse until a year ago. I didn’t realize how much it had affected how I felt about me. I don’t like me. And the guilt I feel for not being able to save my husband from death makes me want to run razors up and down my abdomen. I think about suicide alot….Everytime I close my eyes at night, I see my husbands face….gray and crumbling with a tear falling down his cheek. I see myself as living in a fake world where no one would really care if I came or went. I daydream alot about people doing bad and harmful things to me….it’s almost like I crave it and need that to feel better. i have come to learn that these are distorted thoughts brought on by the traumas and the eating disorder….but you can never erase all of the memories that are seared so deep into your corneas….it makes it hard to breathe. I pray to God that no child should ever have to live through abuse….and certainly not without some support….I pray that when all is said and done, the Lord knows that I am trying….I pray that my husband knows that I have forgiven him and love him just the same….I pray that my children will have peace, happiness and contentment in their lives…..
on August 30, 2007 at 4:59 pm thelaststraw

Dear Cathy,

Thanks for commenting. When you share like you have you help encourage other woman who are feeling the same way to know that they are not alone. You sound like you are on the right track. All you can do now is find ways to deal with the anger. I was a horrible screamer after my husband was removed, it was like I wasn’t allowed to talk for years and suddenly I could. It too sometime for me to learn to stop. I think that counceling is a great idea, the writing too. I agree that you shouldn’t read it for sometime. I went back years later and read the entries from the days he tried to kill me while I was still in the same house and it makes me feel much stronger today and shows me that no matter what I am dealing with I can get through it.

You asked for advice: go to counceling on a regular, weekly basis. It was very powerful for me, I was able to tell the councelor things I never would have shared with others. The councelor won’t judge you, let go of everything. The journaling is wonderful tool too. I got to the woman of strength today by reading all of the self help empowerment books that I could get my hands on, go to thelibrary or book store and look through them, you will find one that will work for you. I also encourage you to find some music that instantly puts you ni a better mood. I listen to Yanni to mellow out and to Riverdance to get some needed energy.

I hope that you write here again. Take care and all my love to you. Give your boys some room, my son went through major anger stages with me but as he got older her understood so much more.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 26, 2007 at 3:13 am Cathy

Wow, I still find myself reading and trying to understand what happened to me. Your article had some key words and phrases that will help me. I left my ex husband almost 10 months ago. He was extremely emotionally abusive. I didn’t know it, I woke up one day and thought I was going crazy. It took so many months of councelling to understand abuse and it;s not just physical.

I have 2 boys 7 and 5. They treat me awful. There are times I am in the middle of my floor crying..helpless. I have no family but a few good frinds. I had so much anger, I used to internalize it, I started hitting myself and would have bruses week after week on my chest. This has stopped since I have left. But I sometimes have flashes of my 10 years with this man and of the crazy making things he did that no one will ever see or understand. I sometimes even wonder did this happen to me?

I have a hard time being a mom one week and not the next as we share joint custody. I also have a hard time with the kids treating me bad. Sometimes I have a hard tme grasping thoughts of reality. Especially when my sons show so much anger sometimes, they sya I am a bad mother becasue I yell and am angry. This has become so less though, but the father fills their brain with stuff. It is subtle though, his whole abusive ways were subtle, that’s what made me feel crazy. I just couldn’t explain what was wrong.

Any advise would be appreciated. I still go to councelling, not as often, I journal alot too. Journaling I think saved my life, I wrote incidentes down. I would go to councelling and share this. I am afraid to look at this book now. It has so many awful things in it. A year of abuse and crazy making stories.

Thanks for listening.
Cathy
on August 19, 2007 at 2:39 pm Faith Woodard

Yes, please feel free to email me directly. It is scary – finally making this decision – but is the right one and I know that, in the end, everyone will be better off. Thanks
on August 19, 2007 at 7:56 am thelaststraw

Dear Sabrina,

It broke my heart when you wrote, Please write me and help me. I will only post here since you are still with your husband. Of course as an outsider with what you told me I would advise you to make plans to leave. I wasn’t sure if he was physically abusive to you. Not that that is important, I can tell from the post that he is putting you in great fear. Do you have anywhere you could go? Would he let you leave? If you get to the point that you can’t take another moment you make sure you walk out that door if you can and take those babies. Call the police or the abuse hotline. No man is worth dying for and your children need you.

You are so young to have 3 little babies. Is there anyone that can support you in real life? Does he let you out alone? If he does maybe you can see a therapist, or a friend. Chances are you need to talk to an outsider to see how you can leave. If you need to the abuse hotline will help you make a plan to get you out safely. That is what they do, never be afraid to call them. They will understand if you are not sure about leaving and will supportive in any way that they can.

I fear for you, your emails sounds like you are indeed in harms way, your children too. Don’t wait until it is too late. I wish I could free you from this man and this life but ONLY YOU can make that choice.

As I often say, You will leave when you fear staying more than you fear leaving. You deserve to be happy and enjoying your children, not living in daily fear.

I hope to hear back from you on the boards. There are other supportive posts and many comments from others who are living (sadly) the same fear filled life that you are now. You are not alone and you will not be alone if you leave. If you stay too long though, your children are the ones that will be alone.

The thing that really made me leave was the night he tried to stab me and all I could think of was that if I died he would take my son or kill him too. Something in me snapped and I thought, Hell, if he is going to kill me I might as well die leaving. I don’t want that in anyway for you to put yourself in harms way, that is just what happened for me.

Seek support and stay in touch. Kiss those babies goodnight and try and sleep knowing that you don’t have to spend the rest of your young life living this way. There is a brighter tomorrow and you deserve to be happy.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 19, 2007 at 7:42 am thelaststraw

Dear Faith,

I am so happy you stumbled upon this blog. I hope it helps you in many ways. You must give me permission to email you directly or I will only post here.

Funny how most abusers families act. My husband was the oldest of 11 and they all backed him. At thier begging I let him back after the first time he tried to kill me, go figure. Just shows you how brainwashed you can get. Then when things were at their worst I begged them to come get him or I would be forced to call the police on him but they didn’t bother. THought I was the nut bag.

Anyway, he was removed by police after trying to stab me to death. Shockingly he died of a heart attack 1 1/2 years later and the only call I got was his mother on my machine, screaming at me that, “hope your happy, you finally killed him?” It couldn’t have been the drugs and booze?

I remember being strong when I went to the wake with my 6 year old son and his 2 older children. I remember I even took his mother’s hand and said how sorry I was.
I understood that no matter what he did to me that she was his mother. Then I walked away with my son, knowing no matter what he did, he was my son.

I hope that made sense. What I am trying to say is that his family is there for him and are sticking beside him because that is what they feel they must do. I am sure they know to some degree he is bull shitting them. Realize they have known him longer than you but either feel bullied by him or brainwashed by him.

I can only suggest that you put you and your children first and try (hard as it will be) to keep moving forward. He will try to keep you in your past and fearing him. He knows he has lost you and is know trying to hang onto you through your child.

Your son will remember how you are acting now. Children will eventually see you for the type of parent that you are. Your husband will show his true colors eventually.

You say you have no friends, I didn’t initially either at first. He kept me so seculded as I am sure you have been too, that when I had him removed it was just me and my son. It was so hard being completely alone that the stillness almost killed me. I often called the abuse hotline for support and someone to let me cry. I know you don’t have a phone so use the intranet for that support. You can journal and such too but we all need someone to talk to. I feel talking was what saved me. That is why I started this blog, to support you.

I encourage you to find something to do that you never had the chance to before. Maybe painting, making jewlery, writing, poetry, any hobby that can take your mind off of things. There is access to some many free things online. Take a piece of paper and write down 100 things that you always wanted to do. THen go down the list and rate each one 1, 2 or 3. Then Circle all that have a 1 and start making a plan to do them. This really can help.

I don’t want to offer too much at one time but know that I am here to do my best to encourage you to realize that you have made the right choice for you and your son. The anger will go, it is normal and you just have to let it out it small bursts. Maybe you can search for some anger managment sites on here. Anger is like not forgiving another: it hurts you the most.

Again, let me know if I can email you directly if not I will keep posting here. Look around the blog, I am sure there will be some tips that will help you.

Keep in touch and take care of yourself. I have one son too, he will be 18 soon.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 18, 2007 at 8:12 pm sabrina

Hi My Name Is Sabrina I have Been Married for 4 1/2 Years and i have Three Beautiful Girls. i am Still With my husband Trying to Work Things Out. Over the Years Its Been Very Hard Living With A Guy That i Love Deeply and just Treats Me like Crap!! He Just have The Worse Temper in the World. And When he Gets Angry Its Takes Over Him.. I need Help Leaving him. Cuz I Love Him Soo Much and i Just Dont Have the Courage To Leave. I know i am not happy With him and its not Safe For my Girls . They are babies they are not even at the age of 5 yet. and i really dont know if i can raise Them on my own at the age of 23. My Husband Says he is not leaving me and That he wants to work things out and get help. But i Really Want to Make it on my Own With out Him But Just To Afride do so. And i Dont Want to make a mistake Of Staying With him or Leaving Him.. So I am Really Confused on what is Best For Me and my Girls. Please Write me And Help me. Thanks
on August 18, 2007 at 7:54 pm Faith Woodard

Now I went back and read the others. You understand. Just thank you for your blog and for being there. There are so many of us out there that think we are alone and we are not. When this is all done, I want to help us … all of us.
on August 18, 2007 at 7:50 pm Faith Woodard

I didn’t even read the other comments. Just saw the beginning of the blog and knew right now – at this instant – I needed to talk. I am angry. At him, at his family, at my family… even at myself. I will be alright, but his family is so behind him despite the abuse that I know that they know has been going on. I am just so angry and I know that I have to get rid of it. Yet, I need to have the legitimacy of the anger acknowledged and also know it won’t be. I am so afraid that his family will back him in getting my (our) son from me although he has never been there. They are so blind/stupid/whatever that they will take their money and help him – he never stands on his own feet or acknowledges what he did or does – and take my MY son from me. The son he told me over and over while I was pregnant he didn’t want and the son he took me to court to prove paternity yet still does not have his name on the birth certificate. I am just so angry. I don’t want this anger and I don’t have a strong support system here – not really. My support system is in Texas and I am trapped in Nebraska – no car, no phone, no real REAL friends. Ok. Thats all I can say. Thank you for listening.
on August 9, 2007 at 5:51 pm Angela Ford

Yes you can e-mail me directly and please do.
on August 9, 2007 at 12:59 am thelaststraw

Dear Angela,
Let me know if I can email you directly. I was heartbroken to read your email. I really wish you all the best that you deserve in life. One thing I would tell you if you were sitting next to me is first, let go of others expectations of what your life should be like. It is your life only. Once you can stop allowing others to decide what you should do you will feel more in control of your life. It was the best gift I gave myself, that and realizeing that no matter how much I loved someone, my husband, I could never make him change to be the person that I wanted him to be. It was a difficult thing to finally admit since I loved him.

I am proud you made the move to leave, many women don’t. No matter what you decide to do I pray that you take the time that is needed to put yourself first. Chances are after you have some time alone you may realize that you don’t want to be with him and only think that you still love him that much. Maybe you will decide to give him another chance. The decision is yours, not his family, not your family and not him, it is your life, your decisions.

Email me if I can ever help you along this path. Be strong, love your children and take care of yourself. You deserve a good life too.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on August 8, 2007 at 4:20 pm Angela Ford

I am 26 years old and finally have left my husband (who I gave 5 1/2 years of my life to) and I don’t know what is worse, being in the day to day abuse or being labeled as someone who “just gives up on marriage” and having to deal with justifying my decision to almost EVERYONE or not having anyone get it. I am SO mad and frustrated and hurt and confused. I love my family (2 step daughters, 1 bio-son and husband) so much. I feel like I just walked away and yet it is so much better not being belittled and underminded in front of my kid(s). I can barely stand to be around my step-daughters – they just remind me of the agony I endured for them by their dad. Now he “wants to work on things”. We have done this before. I don’t trust him AT ALL. and yet I love him or something like that. The very people who said they would be there for me if anything happened are the same ones who are telling me “he’s changed” “don’t give up” and so on and so on. I feel like the weight of my life is crushing me to death, to the point where death almost seems inviting, but then my ex would be raising my son and I just don’t find that to be an option.

I look at my life and see a massive pile of dirty laundry and I don’t even know who’s laundry it is half the time or where to begin to pick through it. My health was deteriorating and mental state was/is so… there aren’t even words. I hate myself for not dealing with it sooner, and yet love myself for doing everything I could. (although that seems to be up for debate amongst certain social circles).

Now he is doing everything in his power to “fix things” and is prince charming and it just makes me even more mad. Why couldn’t he do that while we were together? Why should I give him another chance (which would be 3) I would be a fool to do that. I keep telling him we are done and yet he is still going around church, friends, family saying we are working on our issues. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t say.

I remember the constant agony our kids were in, I was in, the behavior and social issues the kids had/have because of all of the fighting and sludge that was our marriage. I watched our oldest pack her bags night after night bawling wishing she could leave, watched my 3 yr old son become more and more violent and our 5 yr old become more and more manipulative daily. Why wasn’t I strong enough to put my foot down and prevent all of this?!

I feel like I have had the life sucked out of me and now it is an oozing mess that I am supposed to pick up cover up and smile like nothing is wrong. Which just makes me more angry.

I miss him too, which logically I can’t figure out why. which makes me mad at myself that I still care. Why can’t I just be cold and not care?
on July 23, 2007 at 9:14 pm thelaststraw

Dear Ranae,

Let me know if I can email you directly. I have been where you are. You MUST, without question deal with your past and let go of the fear and anger. This is a process. Because of the loss of a child and the physical abuse and anger I strongly advise that you see a councelor. It will allow you to deal with the pain of your past. I encourage you to journals, read motivational healing books. Dr. Phil’s sel matters is good. If you don’t deal with the anger you have from your past you will never have a close future with your mate. Your anger will takes its toll on any future relationships.

I just put several books, free ebooks on the blogroll on this site. One is to deal with depression, the other fear. You are most likely afraid to just let go, be happy and move on. Sounds silly. But when you are abused the way you and I were anyone being nice and kind to us seems really odd, like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I hope that you have discussed this with your fiance. He needs to know why you are acting the way that you are.

Don’t let your anger win. Don’t let the men that abused you before determine the rest of your life.

You can be happy, you can move past the anger but it will take time and focus. You can’t ignore how you are feeling. You must, must deal with it. It took me years to stop being angry at myself. I let so much happen is how I felt, I brought my son into this horrible life. Once I let the guilt and anger go I was able to live a much happier life.

Once you get over the anger you will then see how your past has made you such a strong woman that you are today. Many women don’t deal with the past and end up attracting the same type of abuser again.

I hope this was of some comfort to you. What you are going through is very, very normal with what you have been through.

So, take a deep breath, stop beating your self up for feeling teh way that you do, and focus your attention on dealing wtih your past. You won’t regret it.

Some ideas to help with your anger: Since you know that you will get anry and you must know pretty much what sets you off make a plan. Know ahead of time when something happens how you will react. For example, I knew that when my son talked back that I would begin to scream and get angry, when I decided that I was no longer going to accept that from myself I decided what I would do instead: I would leave the room or go outside until I had calmed down. I would sometimes throw rocks at trees in the back yard or throw stones in the stream. I would go in my room and close the door and just pray to God. Often it left my son stunned. Eventually I was calm enough to deal with my son.

Try writing down the areas that you want to fix. For example I don’t want to argue and yell at boyfriend anymore.
Then ask why? I love him and don’t want to push him away. I want to be adult and really communicate.
What will I do instead: I will say what I was about to yell in my head, I will screen my words. I will tell him that I can’t talk now if I feel angry, letting him know it is my issue and we can talk later.
I am not sure what will work for you but having a plan really does help. I did this for several major issues in my life and it works. I was a mother that screamed all the time and then one day, I never really yelled again. It has been my anger getting the best of me. Once I stopped my son’s behavior was great. I had been escalating most situations, not him.

I will post new ideas as I think of them here.

Let me know if there is anything more that I can do or if you just need someone to talk to. You can email me at dreamfocused@earthlink.net

Love & Peace,
Rebecca
on July 23, 2007 at 8:44 pm Renae

As a teenager, I managed to involve myself with two abusive male relationships. Growing up without my father contributed to looking for love in all the wrong places. Now, after several years and early adulthood it’s taking a toll on my life. I’ve become angry over the years especially toward males. The aggression is now toward my current fiance who had nothing to do with it. The pain endured was great and I even lost a child due to the severe beatings. The pain has caused a great deal of stress and depression The abuse has caused damage to self esteem and inablity to express myself without being angry or getting physical. How can I cope with the abuse effectively b/f it manages to destroy my life?
on July 22, 2007 at 6:42 pm thelaststraw

Dear Sadia,

It broke my heart to read your post. I wish that I could walk in your house and take you by the hand and lead you out of there. This is no way to live.

I don’t want to email you directly because you are still with abuser so I will post here.
Have you tried to leave? Do you want to leave? Do you have children?

I can understand how you feel you can’t leave but trying to kill yourself isn’t the only way to stop your pain.

You lived through your suicide attemt because there is more for you in this life.

I pray that you find a way out, seek some support. Are you even able to get out of the house to talk to someone?

When the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving you will go.

I will pray that I hear from you soon and that you have left and are safe.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

I encourage other readers to post words of encouragement to Sadia. We have all been there.
on July 22, 2007 at 6:17 am sadia

I am currently still living with an emotional and physically abusive and drug addicted husband. I tried to commit suicide to escape the pain he put me through. I have tremendous amounts of pain and anger toward him and his mother, who also put me through hell.

There are times when the anger threatens to overwhelm me and the pain is so great that I feel crushed by it.

thank you for your encouraging wordsds

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The Last Straw

Support, Motivation, Tips and Warning Signs of Domestic Violence