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Archive for the ‘my husband is abusing me’ Category

This book was suggested to me by a reader on The Last Straw.  She wrote, “This book simply explains what & why & how abuse gets started in family’s. It also goes into detail of the Physcology of these men.”

You can find a copy for as low as $1.00. I encourage you to check it out, it listed around a 25 page preview and I gained much from just that and end lists resources for every state. Many think my man can and will change, this book will help to put that fairy tale to rest. Let me know your review on this book.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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I received the following post and since it was so honest and brutal I wanted to start a post on its own so that we can respond back and forth. This is frightening to say the least and sadly, happens everyday.

The post read:
everybody that is still in this type of relationship..please listen to me..please get out as fast as u can!!! i had to watch my very best friend bury her 22yr old pregnant daughter 2 days ago!! her daughter~s boyfriend broke in while she was asleep since she had worked 3rd shift the night before.dragged her outta the bed.beat her head against the concrete wall of the apt then strangled her so hard her throat collapsed! her mom was the 1 who found her when the daycare called &said she failed to pick up her kids,kacy had 2 kids – a 3yr old daughter & a 5 yr old son & a little girl who never had a chance to be born,who since when they done the autopsy found that she was fully developed at only 19wks,it was decided her name would be ‘angel magnolia’ & buried in her mothers arms since it would be closed casket! my bff has had her heart ripped out because of this & her daughter didnt think it was that bad,that things would work out….i am going to do anything i can do to keep another mom from going thru this pain…nobody should ever have to bury their child.much less if it can be avoided to begin with!!! so im begging yall please get out while u can!!!
does anybody know of a site that i can recommend to my friend to go to so maybe she can talk to other parents that have suffered from losing their children to violence that may be able to help her somehow?? i hate seeing her this way & nothing i do or say can help her….thanks soo much & please ladies — get out now!!!!

Readers, can you relate, think it is time to get out now?

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The following is a direct email that was sent to me. I felt that the readers here could help support this woman. I will call her Lady M. I have posted her email as well as my response. I have encouraged her to come to this link as we will support her the best that we can.

Message: i currently live with an abusive partner with my two daughters he does not physically hit me ever but emotionally financially mentally and verbally he does just recently he took the money out of the girls piggy bank for smokes he steals money from me and i can’t kick him out surveillance calls him each night to make sure that he’s home he does have curfew i tried to phone shelters here in the city where i live but there’s no room child and welfare are involved but are not taking the kids due to me going to meetings and its okay for him to miss meetings but not me they said that if i choose to leave they wont take the kids i tried since Saturday but there’s no where to go social assistance wont give me a bus ticket or child welfare to another shelter in a different city because hes not hitting me i get money in 2 days and i can already feel a argument coming on he looks on the facebook when I’m on there reading what i type and reads my mail even on the phone when m y mom or friends or social workers phones hes right there watching me he gets mad at my kids for the smallest things and when he does not get his own way he throws a temper tantrum and kicks the table and chairs and yells and swears around the house he stole money from my wallet a few days ago and hes just being nice right now because he thinks hes getting money from me on Thursday which i tell him no but he gets it anyways he had sex with me a few weeks ago when i was sleeping and when i woke up he was on top of me i never charged him because i couldn’t believe it he would go that low I’m the only one who cooks cleans and does the house hold chores around the house he doesn’t help with anything the guy is 42 years old and cant even cook his own meals the last time i left he starved himself for a month i cant take it any longer i want something different i don’t want to argue in front of the kids anymore i;m tried and worn out of taking care of his needs i need to be with my kids only when i phone to the shelters and tell them this they don’t believe me anymore it feels like I’m being judged like I’m gonna keep coming back when enough is enough

—————————-
Dear Lady M,

It broke my heart to read your email. You are really between a rock and a hard spot. Is there any way to take the money you are getting and make a run for it? I wish that I had the money to get you where you need to get.

I would really like to recommend that you visit and write me via my website at http://www.the-laststraw.com, there is a great community of women there that are in your shoes today and can help support you. I have started a post with the email that you sent me. This is the best way to get support; I hope this is okay with you as I normally post most emails. Your real name is not used. If you wish to continue to write in the one locate for support click here…

Don’t worry about what others think, most abused men and women go back for many reasons. I went through what you are, I was finally free of him for weeks, then I went to take his son over so he could see him, the guilt from his family and he acted like he learned a lesson and had been living in his car, I let him move back in, the worst thing I could have done, my life was worse than ever because I had him live prior.

Even if he doesn’t hit you, you need to let the police and agencies know that you fear for your life, from your words you do. Can you take the money you are getting and buy the bus tickets you wanted? Is there any family that can help you? I am not sure what agencies you are calling so here is a link that lists quite a few: http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php and http://womenslaw.org/

Keep in touch and let us know how we can be there for you. You are in my prayers tonight.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca J. Burns

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The following comment was left for another post and I wanted to share it with you to comment: 2010/09/26 at 6:57 pm

I am survivor. I have been out of the relationship since June 2010. I was hospitalized for the most recent incident in June with a fractured lumbar spine and multiple contusions to my face/head. Two black eyes, both lips fat, broken nose and other numerous bruises over my body. If I didn’t hide in the woods he would have killed me. He is in jail and the trial is starting September 30th. I saw the evidence pictures for the first time 3 days ago. When I saw the pictures of what he had done to me, it became real. Up until then it all seemed like a dream. The court is saying that this is one of the most heinous crimes against another person they have seen in a very long time. As hard as it was to see the pictures, they gave me a sense of empowerment. I do not want to be labeled as a victim, I want to be labeled as a survivor. I am thinking of starting my own blog to share my story and to inform people of the court process & things like that. I am ready to share my story with the world. You may contact me if you would like to at ( i.am.a.survivor1984@gmail.com )

” I will no longer hide these wounds of mine. I will bear them gracefully. They tell a resurrection story.”

Ntozake Shange, “sorry”

one thing i don’t need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i don’t know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry

i am simply tired
of collectin
i didnt know
i was so important to you
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet
for alla the sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called to say yr sorry
call somebody else
i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/ didnt meanta/ & how cd i know abt that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul/ i’m gonna soothe mine

you were always inconsistent
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things
& race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability
& close talk
& i’m not even sorry
bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt
& grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself.

” Do you not know you are God’s temple and that God’s spirit dwells in you? If any one destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and that temple you are”. ( 1 Cor. 3: 16-17)

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Domestic Abuse resources by state: http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php

The following was copied from: http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html it will provide you with great resources/tips to leave

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Safety Tips For You And Your Family

IF YOU ARE IN DANGER, CALL 911
or your local police emergency number

To find out about help in your area, call:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Whether or not you feel able to leave an abuser,
there are things you can do to make yourself and your family safer.

IN AN EMERGENCY

If you are at home & you are being threatened or attacked:

  • Stay away from the kitchen (the abuser can find weapons, like knives, there)
  • Stay away from bathrooms, closets or small spaces where the abuser can trap you
  • Get to a room with a door or window to escape
  • Get to a room with a phone to call for help; lock the abuser outside if you can
  • Call 911 (or your local emergency number) right away for help; get the dispatcher’s name
  • Think about a neighbor or friend you can run to for help
  • If a police officer comes, tell him/her what happened; get his/her name & badge number
  • Get medical help if you are hurt
  • Take pictures of bruises or injuries
  • Call a domestic violence program or shelter (some are listed here); ask them to help you make a safety plan

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF AT HOME

  • Learn where to get help; memorize emergency phone numbers
  • Keep a phone in a room you can lock from the inside; if you can, get a cellular phone that you keep with you at all times
  • If the abuser has moved out, change the locks on your door; get locks on the windows
  • Plan an escape route out of your home; teach it to your children
  • Think about where you would go if you need to escape
  • Ask your neighbors to call the police if they see the abuser at your house; make a signal for them to call the police, for example, if the phone rings twice, a shade is pulled down or a light is on
  • Pack a bag with important things you’d need if you had to leave quickly; put it in a safe place, or give it to a friend or relative you trust
  • Include cash, car keys & important information such as: court papers, passport or birth certificates, medical records & medicines, immigration papers
  • Get an unlisted phone number
  • Block caller ID
  • Use an answering machine; screen the calls
  • Take a good self-defense course

HOW TO MAKE YOUR CHILDREN SAFER

  • Teach them not to get in the middle of a fight, even if they want to help
  • Teach them how to get to safety, to call 911, to give your address & phone number to the police
  • Teach them who to call for help
  • Tell them to stay out of the kitchen
  • Give the principal at school or the daycare center a copy of your court order; tell them not to release your children to anyone without talking to you first; use a password so they can be sure it is you on the phone; give them a photo of the abuser
  • Make sure the children know who to tell at school if they see the abuser
  • Make sure that the school knows not to give your address or phone number to ANYONE

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF OUTSIDE THE HOME

  • Change your regular travel habits
  • Try to get rides with different people
  • Shop and bank in a different place
  • Cancel any bank accounts or credit cards you shared; open new accounts at a different bank
  • Keep your court order and emergency numbers with you at all times
  • Keep a cell phone & program it to 911 (or other emergency number)

HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF SAFER AT WORK

  • Keep a copy of your court order at work
  • Give a picture of the abuser to security and friends at work
  • Tell your supervisors – see if they can make it harder for the abuser to find you
  • Don’t go to lunch alone
  • Ask a security guard to walk you to your car or to the bus
  • If the abuser calls you at work, save voice mail and save e-mail
  • Your employer may be able to help you find community resources

USING THE LAW TO HELP YOU

Protection or Restraining Orders

  • Ask your local domestic violence program who can help you get a civil protection order and who can help you with criminal prosecution
  • Ask for help in finding a lawyer

In most places, the judge can:

  • Order the abuser to stay away from you or your children
  • Order the abuser to leave your home
  • Give you temporary custody of your children & order the abuser to pay you temporary child support
  • Order the police to come to your home while the abuser picks up personal belongings
  • Give you possession of the car, furniture and other belongings
  • Order the abuser to go to a batterers intervention program
  • Order the abuser not to call you at work
  • Order the abuser to give guns to the police

If you are worried about any of the following, make sure you:

  • Show the judge any pictures of your injuries
  • Tell the judge that you do not feel safe if the abuser comes to your home to pick up the children to visit with them
  • Ask the judge to order the abuser to pick up and return the children at the police station or some other safe place
  • Ask that any visits the abuser is permitted are at very specific times so the police will know by reading the court order if the abuser is there at the wrong time
  • Tell the judge if the abuser has harmed or threatened the children; ask that visits be supervised; think about who could do that for you
  • Get a certified copy of the court order
  • Keep the court order with you at all times

CRIMINAL PROCEEDINGS

  • Show the prosecutor your court orders
  • Show the prosecutor medical records about your injuries or pictures if you have them
  • Tell the prosecutor the name of anyone who is helping you (a victim advocate or a lawyer)
  • Tell the prosecutor about any witnesses to injuries or abuse
  • Ask the prosecutor to notify you ahead of time if the abuser is getting out of jail

BE SAFE AT THE COURTHOUSE

  • Sit as far away from the abuser as you can; you don’t have to look at or talk to the abuser; you don’t have to talk to the abuser’s family or friends if they are there
  • Bring a friend or relative with you to wait until your case is heard
  • Tell a bailiff or sheriff that you are afraid of the abuser and ask him/her to look out for you
  • Make sure you have your court order before you leave
  • Ask the judge or the sheriff to keep the abuser there for a while when court is over; leave quickly
  • If you think the abuser is following you when you leave, call the police immediately
  • If you have to travel to another State for work or to get away from the abuser, take your protection order with you; it is valid everywhere

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