I forgave a man who beat me
I never beat a man
I forgave a man that terrorized me
I never terrorized a man
I forgave a man who imprisoned me and robbed me of my soul
I forgave a man who took from me all I’d thought I owned
Long after I forgave this man
The only one that I thought was left to forgive
Was the woman sitting beneath my skin
The one that lost her soul
The woman who never beat a man
The woman who never terrorized another
The woman who never stole a thing
The woman who never robbed a man
She was much harder to forgive by far
Than the man who imprisoned her in his clutch
For it was she that had allowed somehow
This man to take so much
The day she finally forgave herself
That was true forgiveness she was told
That forgiveness of herself was worth more to her than Gold…
My gift to you …
As much as you don’t want to hear the F word, it is the first thing you must do to move on, Forgive the worst one of all … YOU!. I don’t mean to say you are the worst one but I felt that I was to blame for all of it. After all I stayed when he passed out drunk. I stayed after the first time he hit me. I stayed when he tried to kill me. But my life changed when I finally began to forgive myself. It doesn’t happen in a day, all better, I have forgiven myself. It has taken years but since the first glimmer of my own forgiveness I have begun to heal. Honestly, I forgave my abuser in my mind, not to his face, long before I even forgave myself.
P.S. I forgave myself long ago and have posted this poem to help another learn to forgive.
Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
Voice: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 800-799-SAFE
I just read your poem and can’t stop crying. I was in an abusive marriage for ten years and I finally got out almost 2 years ago. We have one son who has suffered greatly because of the abusive relationship I kept him in. Our son was 6 years old when we got married. Something deep in my heart told me not to marry him, but he kept telling me that our son would be made fun of because in his words he would be a “bastard”, so I relented and we got married. The abuse started before our son was even born, but I stayed. I wish I knew why I did but I don’t. I wanted the nice normal family and I tried so hard to get it, but my husband had other ideas. He truly broke my soul, took all of my self esteem and ruined me financially. The physical scars have healed but the emotional ones keep playing over and over. I know I need to forgive myself, I just don’t know how. I keep thinking about how stupid I must have been to stay in that for so long. I feel so sad and can’t figure out why I am not happier now that I don’t have to live in constant terror any longer. My husband (soon to be ex), has moved on and is now living with another woman in our old house while I am living in a one bedroom apartment with my son and my sister. I hate him for what he’s done to me but I can’t stop hating myself more for letting him. I too have found someone else, someone good and decent and so very, very differnt from my husband. But I keep doing things to push him away because I don’t feel I am worthy of him. How do I begin the process of forgiving myself for letting down my son, not protecting him when his father tried to choke him, and how do I let go of everything I lost because I didn’t get out sooner?
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Dear Marie,
Sorry so long for a reply. I applaud you for leaving. That is always what makes me the happiest, a woman that has set herself free. As I wrote in that poem, I was the last person that I forgave. I don’t get the crap of you must forgive the abuser. That is up to each person. I still hate the abuser, I just finally saw him as a man that had been brutally abused by his own father, lived homelss, did drugs from a very young age and became the man that he was. He was a very broken man inside. Just like we don’t understand why we loved them so much I think he really did love me. Once I saw him as seperate from all of this, a man that knew no other way it was easier to let go of my hatred of him. I also have the most wonderful son that I could never imagine not having so I see that as my reason for being with him at all for nothing else makes sense.
Back to forgiveness of self. That is the hardest forgiveness of all but it takes years sometimes. Take one thing at a time. Once I realized that I had had a very low self esteem from childhood and he had seen some of that I let a bit go. I often belive that each thing that happens as the old saying goes teaches us something. For me it was that I didn’t need to spend the rest of my life wanting a man to love me to be hole. My mother had done that man after man and I never wanted to be that way. After many years of being alone I am finally hole, doing what I dream, supporting others in the aftermath of abuse. waking up without fear of a man hurthing me. I have forgiven myself so that great things can come into my life. Once you do really, really forgive yourself good things will happen. You will see what a great catch you really are.
As corny as it sounds, journaling really will help you. Each time you are angry at yourself or guilty write down the incident and why. Then write what could you have done differently. Then write how it will benefit you by hanging onto that guilt from something you can’t change. Then write what you will gain by forgiving yourself and moving on.
I wish you all the very best that life has in store for you Marie. Feel free to continue to share here. As you can see poetry writing can help you as well. You are always in the prayers of women just like you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi,
I read your poem about forgiveness. It’s a wonderful poem. I was in a long abusive relationship and have been seperated now for 2 1/2 years. The separation was as painful as the marriage. His abuse just came in other forms, like through false allegations to the police, phone calls, following me, making up stories to my children about me. I just want to disassociate myself with his craziness so bad! He recently was arrested for A&B on someone else, and I have an active RO on him w/a few violations, so he is laying low right now. I’ve totally changed my life to find peace and feel as though I am healing but still not there. I was told that I need to forgive him and I have come to some terms with that. But, I have never thought of forgiving myself for my involvement and stupidness for all these years. Your poem put the thought of that in my head and I feel I need to work on it. It wasn’t me that did it, but I did live with it and let my children be a part of it. So it is part my fault.
Thanks!
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Dear Joyce,
I sent you an email. Anyone can use the poem as long as my name is refereneced Rebecca J. Burns and link to site if possible.
Thanks
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Dear Sunny,
I can promise your husband admitting to all of that won’t solve how you still feel inside. Why let him continue to determine how you feel, that is all up to you know.
God Bless you and your family.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi I really liked the poem the forgiveness of me and was wondering if we could use this poem in our curriculum. I work for the Chicago Metropolitan Battered Women’s Network and we are developing a curriculum for faith leaders on domestic violence. Hope to hear from you soon.
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Hello
I was in an abusive realtionship for 25 yrs. After 22 yrs and 4 children later i finally got the strength to get a restraining order and start the divorce process. After many times of reconcilation, forgiving,. counseling, he just didnt get it. He Kept abusing me and our children over and over agian, and even in the name of religion We all were verbally abused, spiritually, physically, emotinally, and financially, you name it we all had some form or another from him.
The children stillspeak to him and recently (because of the abuse which had a great negative affect) our son, who was dealt abuse from his father fisrt hand and is trying to come to terms with it. approached me on forgiving him.
He saids lately im not forgiving and why dont i just forgive dad and forget. I tried to explain that He did it way to many times and to just forgive and forget will do no good. because he continues to abuse to this day and still tried to manipulate us all.
His family helped in the abuse as well, calling CPS, slandering me in front of others and my own children. Ignroing my calls , iIcan go on and on with the list of offenses.
I can understand where my son is coming from( being he is 19) and on the threshold of his new life and he wants fresh beginings with his dad. Thats a good thing but in order for it to truly heal, his dad needs to admit to us all of his abuse and ask for forgivness and start making restitiuion. Only then will i see any type of steps to make what he has done in the past right ( or whatever its called)
My son is now thinking im the unforgiving and bitter one,
ANY advice on how to explain things so he can understand a little more clearly,
Thanks so much Lord bless you all!
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Dear Christine,
Thank you for your comment. I was sad to read about how you are still feeling. Maybe, just maybe you are like me and trying too hard to move on and forgive yourself. You can’t make it happen. Maybe, just maybe if you just focus on trying to enjoy each day of your life the forgiveness will come. I suffered with all of the maybe ifs that you do, many women suffer from what ifs. What if I hadn’t left my son with him while I worked, what if I had not dropped the restraining order (many women do) and let him back to terrorize me worst than before. What if he had killed me that day and my son was left alone with him. What if are not worth the breath to say them.
You sound like you are moving so fast so that you won’t have to stay still. Be still. That was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. When I found myself suddenly alone with my awful, horrible mother thoughts I would have anxiety attacks. I would put on the tv, music or get busy so I wouldn’t have to think. I began to write things down that I wanted to let go of, began reading supportive books. Just find one you like. It doesn’t have to be a “get over abuse book” you can just find a motivating book, poetry, self help, spiritutual, what ever makes you feel at ease, try music ( I had one tape, Riverdance, that would put me in a relaxed mood.) My point is find ways to help you destress and not worry about the past, even if just for a few hours.
You deserve a pat on the back not a kick in the butt Christine. You have done something that is so hard for any man or women, you left your horrible, sad, abusive life. Now, do something that many others do not, heal and live the rest of your life. You deserve to enjoy what you have, not suffer for what you live in the past.
I am rooting for you!
I also had one thought that helped me move on from the hatred of my husband. They why would he hurt me and his son question. I feel that he really did love us both more than anything, he hated himself more than I hated him. When I heard about the way he was raised and abused I realized it was the only way he knew how to be because no one ever told him different. If for a few minutes you can walk in his shoes, see his pain and that he was trying to kill the guilt and anger feelings within himself, you can let your guilt go. Hope this helps.
No matter what, don’t stop trying, you will get there one day, I promise. I can tell from your words that you really want to move past. Just stop trying to hard and it will happen. shit, I had nightmares for ten years. They only stopped recently. The mind holds on to so much that we want to let go of. Love your sons, you are a good mother. keep in touch and let me know if I can ever be of help.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I have done everything to move on. Worked sometimes 3 jobs, been on “autopilot” for my Sons, but I cannot seem to move forward for myself. I don’t knwo why, I wish I did. I cannot fathom how a man that I loved with all of my heart and soul, like no one I have ever and probably never will again, could want so desperately to hurt me. To not see how he was hurting his own children. Maybe I do have to forgive myself but I do not know how. Maybe I should have left sooner, maybe I should not have dropped either restraining order, maybe I should feel safe now but I still don’t and do not know if I ever will. I am a strong person but I have not healed yet. I want to, I really do.
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Dear Erica,
Thank you for commenting on my blog about this poem. You must take control of your life and forgive yourself too. We do the best we can until we know better.
I wish you all the best that life has to offer.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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This was help to me … I know what you were saying because I have been there too … It’s just really hard to move on when I know everyday of my life that I was once inlove with and still is inlove with a man that has done that to me but I will never take him back I need to better my life thank you for the help
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