Readers; To help support other women and to help them find this supportive blog please link to this blog when possible. When you link here it increase the chance of it being found in search engines, again, allowing others to benefit from our suppport. My many thanks.
Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog, The Last Straw. My goal with this blog is to help motivate and inspire women in the days following leaving a battered women’s shelter and are on thier own for the first time in a long time.
As much as you don’t want to hear the F word, it is the first thing you must do to move on, Forgive the worst one of all … YOU!. I don’t mean to say you are the worst one but I felt that I was to blame for all of it. After all I stayed when he passed out drunk. I stayed after the first time he hit me. I stayed when he tried to kill me. But my life changed when I finally began to forgive myself. It doesn’t happen in a day, all better, I have forgiven myself. It has taken years but since the first glimmer of my own forgiveness I have begun to heal. Honestly, I forgave my abuser in my mind, not to his face, long before I even forgave myself.
The months following the removal of my abusive husband were some of the toughest. The silence was defeaning. Even though I didn’t exist living in the home with my husband this new feeling was scary.
It has been over 10 years now and looking back being alone for so long was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. It gave me the first chance in my life to get to clear out my head and get strong day by day. Living with domestic violence day and day you become so used to the cruelty. It was difficult but the time alone allowed me to get rid of all the crap my husband had filled my head with over the years, you are fat, ugly, no man will ever want you. Just insert the crap you were fed. Again, being able to clear my head was the best gift of all.
Deep inside is a really strong woman to have made it this far.Let go of all of your guilt, it serves no purpose in your recovery. You don’t have to tell the world your story, but you have to admit to yourself. That is the first step in your healing.
If you have been away from the abuse please comment and share what you do to keep motivated and able to deal with your past. If you don’t deal with it, it will come back to haunt you. Trust me on that one.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca Burns
I am so proud of you, I really am.
Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
Voice: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 800-799-SAFE (
Dear Jan,
I am happy you found this site, may it bring you some peace. The aftermath is often as bad as the abuse. You now have time to listen to the thoughts in your head. Before you are so focused on surviving you don’t have time to remember what has happened. For me, the reading and listening to tapes got me through the rough spots. When I could feel it coming on, remembering certain attacks, I would force myself to put on music that made me happy, go to the beach, read an inspiring book. These sound lame but just changing your thoughts for 5 minutes can change the nasty record playing in your head.
We get to decide what we are going to think about, decide to focus on what your life to be. The guilt may remain for many years, mine did. Then one day I realized, I am human, I did better when I knew better, no man will ever lay a hand on me again, that is it. It took me ten years of nightmares and mental struggle to get where I am today. You will get there too, for every day of the abuse, you need a day to recover, just how it is sometimes.
I agree, stay single for at least a year after, helps you attract a better man rather than just the closest one so that you are not lonely. Learning to enjoy being alone is a gift, find ways to let this help you heal.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Jessica,
Dear God, I am so very sorry for your loss and the worlds. She could be anyone’s daughter or sister. We often know when something like this is about to happen, for those that wonder, will it someday be me, yes, it may someday be you. Get out now, before someone you love is remembering you. Please take the time to remember.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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today I am very sad. although I escaped my abuser a friend of mine sister in law was murdered last night by her husband and then he committed suicide.
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Dear Jessica,
I didn’t mean for it to sound encouraging for him to be with this woman, I agree for the safety of both of them, they should move on, that will be their decision on what they want in life.
Thanks for your words of honesty, especially about him coming to a site of women that have been abused.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I Love This Site But I DOnt Believe He Should Be Encouraged To Pursue That Relationship. Love Doesn’t Hit MaLe Or Female. She Is Obviously AN Abuser As WEll… Jerome I Also Want To Give You Kudos For Stepping Into A Snake Pit. You Came To A Site That Is A Majority Women Lived Through What You’re Ashamed Of. I Also Think It Is Big Of You To Admit You Have A Problem My Ex Husband ActEd Like OUr Day To Day Interaction Was Completely Normal When In Fact I Don’t Know A Single One If My Friends That Have Ever Been Shook Or Trapped In A Bathroom For Hours With A Fist Pressed Against Their Chest. I Think That If You Have Anger Issues It Would Be EXtremely Difficult To Control That When The Person,You Love Is Putting Her Hands On You. I Think Maybe You Should Walk Away As Much As It Hurts And Figure You Out. When You Are Happy Secure And Content The Rest Will Fall Into Place
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Dear Jerome,
Thank you for posting, you are not judged here, I am happy you are reaching out for the end to violence is helping the person who is being violent, some don’t get that. The angry boy in prison, the homeless child with no love, the adult man struggling with anger issues from childhood, lots make someone violent, we need to stop it at the source, we need to stop it with you. You can make such a difference in your life and the life of others, you were meant for more than this.
Deal with your anger issues now. You may get this love back you may not, most that hit, hit again so she may not trust you ever again, you have to deal with that. This isn’t about her, it is about you, what type of man do you want to be? Things happen, you can move on from this but you get to decide where. Make good choices, seek support now, it is out there I found a link for you but google and find one that works for you.
Here are a few suggestions from a site I found for you: (the following is an excerpt from http://www.youngmenshealthsite.org/anger.html#ixzz2WOoOIPnI)
Improve your problem solving skills. When faced with a difficult situation or conflict, learn as much as you can about it and think about what happened. This will prevent you from making quick judgments that may be wrong. Remember, there are many ways to look at the same situation. For example, if someone cuts in front of you in line and you feel your blood boiling, take some time to figure out what you can do about it rather than immediately losing your temper.
Take responsibility for your actions. You can actually decide on how you’ll behave in certain situations ahead of time. For example, if losing your soccer game last week caused you to get angry, think about how you can better prepare yourself to deal with the stress if you don’t come out with a win this week. The simple trick of “counting to 10” before reacting can be very helpful in keeping your cool.
Think about the consequence of your behavior. Realize that how you behave affects those you love and others around you.
Pay attention to what upsets you. When you can figure out what triggers angry feelings, you can make decisions that will help you stay in better control.
Pay attention to how your body feels when you are angry. When you notice your body beginning to change, it’s time to take control.
Read more: http://www.youngmenshealthsite.org/anger.html#ixzz2WOoOIPnI
Again, the best advice, find ways to deal with the anger, find what works for you, the rest will follow
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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It has been one year today, that I had my abusive husband arrested. After 26 years of mental and physical abuse, I had had enough and pressed charges.
At first I felt free and hopeful for the future … I have free legal aid, some alimony to survive on and a restraining order to keep him away from me at least until the trial is settled.
But soon after, there were other problems. My ex started calling me – though the court ordered him not to. I had to press charges once more for that. Then he started harassing family members, my friends and even calling my lawyer to try to control everything.
In his arrogance, he left some threatening messages on my answering machine … which I gave to the courts as further evidence.
He has quit his job of 25 years and attempted to have my spousal support stopped, has cancelled the insurance on our home and threatened to burn it down, has called 9-1-1 with false suicide attempts and countless other problems which are too numerous to write down.
I am so disgusted with myself for having endured this man for over 25 years and find it difficult to forgive myself. I now suffer from depression and agoraphobia. Many of my friends have given up on me stating that I should just ‘get over it and get on with my life’. That’s easier said than done!
The loneliness I feel, is at times overwhelming, yet I know that now is NOT the time to be jumping into another relationship … I need to heal my heart. I wish I could make all these bad memories go away and live like a ‘normal’ person.
I’ve been to group therapy and private, I have tried to keep myself healthy and busy. I still live in the home where all these awful things happened, as I don’t have the resources to move out until it is sold – so I’m stuck here for now.
I’ve met some very kind people at the domestic violence center who have given a lot of support and great advice, yet the day to day business of trying to get on top of this is something that I am still struggling with.
This site has given me a lot of hope. It really helps to read that others have been through similar emotions and that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
Jan
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hello. my name is jerome. i have recently became a domestic abuser. please dont automatically judge me. i think the fact that im actually texting on this site shows that im a good person. i just make bad choices because of my anger issues. anyway, i hit my girlfriend once on two different occasions. although both times i was hit first, i still didnt have a right to hit her. i just reacted after i was hit. i need advice. i know i need counselling. i really love this girl & i dont know what to do. i know we might not get back together & im prepared for that. i just need my best friend back. i would kill myself right now if i knew it would get her to forgive me. thats all i want. please give me some advice. i dont know what to do & i dont have anyone to help me. thats why i went searching for this site. please treat me serious & answer me as soon as possible. im really lost right now & i just cant stop crying. o & please dont take my message as if im going 2 commit suicide
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Dear Jessica,
That was heartbreaking to read, you feel like clearance room goods, very good way to describe how you feel. Yes, what you are feeling is normal, even if he hadn’t started contacting you you would have had to deal with these feelings sooner or later. You get to decide what is in your life, is dealing with him really worth it all? I would let him go, no emails or contact, there is no point.
Then, still deal with how this has made you feel, if you push it back down it will come up again and most likely ruin something good you find in life. You do not deserve to live the way you did, letting him back into your life it will most definitely happen again, let him go, you must find a way to release all the anger and hurt in you. Others care, others want to help,, find the support that works right for you.
Love and peace in all you do in life,, you deserve it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I Am Hoping Leaving This Will Help Me Some… I Have Been Separated From My Abuser For Two Years. I Remember Directly AfTer I Stood Up And Decided To Walk Away I Was Elated I Felt Like My Life CouLd Start Again. For The First Year Or So I Was Happy And Barely Even Thought About Him. Lately He Has Emailed Me A Couple Times To Beg Or Try To Pull At My Heartstrings. This Is Created An Overwhelming Feeling Of Hate Towards Myself And Especially Him. I Know He Is Doing It As A Sad Attempt To Control Some Part Of My Day And Im Letting Him Do It. I JuSt Cant Help It. The Things He Did Have Been Welling Up InSide Of Me And Im Coming To Terms With The Fact I Never Dealt With It.
The Day I Was Done He Was Mad I Had To Stay Over At WoRk For A Couple Hours. He Never Hit Me But He Was very Verbally Abusive And He Would Push Me Down Or Just Shake Me. He Would Grab My Arms Or The FrOnt Of My Shirt And Just Shake Me As Hard As He Could. He Would Also Threaten Suicide. This Night He Ripped The Silverware Drawer Out So He Could Get A Knife. I Was Not Going To Watch Him Slice Himself Open Again So I Was Going to Call The Police. He Took My Phone And Threw It Into The Wheat Field Behind Our House. I Kept Trying To Go Outside To Get It And He Kept Pushing Me Back. Finially He Shook Me So Hard Threw Me On The Ground And Headed Outside. I Followed BecauSe He Was Calling It To Find It. I Found It First He rAn Toward Me And I Ran Away. I Dont Know If Ive Ever Ran So Hard In My Life. I Ran Into The Woods And Took My Phone Apart And I Waited For Hours Until He Stopped Driving By. I Went Back To The House And Put My Phone Back Together. Surprisingly When I Told Him Not To Come Back He Didnt. Believe It Or Not When I Went to Sleep That Night I Still Wasnt Done. The Next Morning I Stepped On A piece Of The Drawer He Ripped Out And Endes Up With 4 NailS In My Foot. This Was My Final Straw.
I Guess I’m Dealing With Floods Of Memories Now And I’m Overwhelmed. I Thought I Was Past It But Its All Slamming Into Me Lately. I Would Think I Would Be Out Of Tears But They Just Keep SneakingUpOn Me. Its Like No One Wants To Hear About It Though So I Just Keep It LockEd Up Inside Which Makes It Harder To Deal With. It Feels Like Building Pressure And I’m Just Gonna Explode. I Fight Myself Everyday From Emailing Him Back And Telling Him How Much I Hate Him For Destroying The Awesome Person I Was. Now I’m Just Like That Damaged Stuff You Find On A Clearance Shelf. It Was Great Once But Now Its Chipped And Cracked Only Bargain Hunters Will Want Me Now. I Don’t Think I Well Ever Forgive Me But I Think Its Important I Find A Way To Forgive Myself.
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Dear Kelly,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through, what sticks with me the most is the last few words you wrote, I don’t want to end up dead. You don’t have to make a life decision in one heated moment, but read what you wrote every day, then decide. It can be hard to make any change, good or bad, but if in the end, you fear being killed, what other answer is there? You are the one that gets to decide what you will have in your life.
I wish you all the best that life has for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Cecy,
How do you move on? That is the question, you need to find what works best for you. It is okay to still miss him, just feel it. It isn’t okay to live that way though so you are strong to have gotten out now. He isn’t in the right state of mind so the rest doesn’t matter. Read more on this site, lots of suggestions to help you move on. You are what matters, what do you really want in life, love will come when you are ready for it, start writing all you dreamed of being and doing in life and start finding ways to make it happen. Sounds silly but this is better than reliving the horror that happened in your life.
Keep strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I grabbed a change of close and I ran while he was passed out. I don’t know if it was cause his betrayals. I don’t think it was cause the abuse. I stuck it out way to long I love him and he loves me. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He wouldn’t hurt me in his right state of mind. Ten months later I still miss him. N I am so traumatized. I just want to let go and move on but how?
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I am guilty of hitting him too. I can’t remember who threw the 1st blow, but it has been a never ending cycle ever since. I just put him out yesterday and in the heat of the moment I was fine. I was so sure that I was doing the right thing. We have been saying that we were going to get counseling since September of last year (after he punched me in the face), which he put off and put off until this past week. We called around and spoke with a few therapists and were scheduled to start this week. I am missing him, and I am confused as to why I can’t walk away. I want to move on, but he has been a vital part of my son’s life for the last 2 years….I want to think he can change…and I want to think that i can change…but I don’t want to end up dead.
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Dear Tired of faking it,
The old saying goes fake it till you make it. You can’t give up for you have made it this far. Stop beating yourself up for feeling the say that you do and stop worrying about what others think, only another woman in your shoes will ever comprehend how the hell you could still love a man that beats you and almost kills you, go figure, we can’t even understand how we feel the way we do. It took ten years before I stopped having horrible nightares. Ten years of being cellibute before I would even allow myself to be intimate with a man, luckily he was the one and was well worth waiting for. You children are mad, they are allowed to feel how they feel, the same as you. Going forward, you are the one that decides how you will feel and what you will focus on. I know that it is so damn hard, I really do, even now I have days where I struggle to be upbeat, things just get to you. But then after you pity part long enough you need to change your thoughts.
It took years for me to understand that I was playing the same old records in my head each day and was the one bringing on the anxiety attacks with what I was choosing to think about. It won’t hurt but what if you started putting things in your life that actually make you happy? Little things like listen to music you like, something that you know will make you feel happy, then, use that music to bring you out of a mood. Make a list of the things that you have put off doing and just pick one for today to try. You don’t have to fix all that ails you today, but you have to start somewhere. You can’t change the past but it doesn’t have to be your future. You are the one that is writing the next chapter of your life, do you really want it to be another year out of the hell you were in, feeling the same way? Do you want to write a post here next that reads, 8 years free and feeling shitty still?
All of this comes from my heart and in no way judges you. Sometimes it is really hard to get that woman deep inside of you back, but chances are, you are not that woman anymore, things have happened that have forever changed her. You trust yourself, let alone others. Find self help things that work for you. I remember Dr. Phil what matters did wonders for me, made me realize it didn’t matter what others thought about me and it helped me let go of toxic relationships in my life.
When your chldren see you come out of this they will forgive too. You are their role model, you decide who you want to be.
I hope that this wasn’t more than you were looking for. This was my first response of the day when I have energy and it really breaks my heart to hear you pain, I know you pain. Try to live in the moment and make it really count. It can take a lifetime to recover from violence but you don’t have to be in pain every moment of it. Find others that you can help, it helps your heart to heal when you can make others feel better.
Keep in touch and I wish you and your family all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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It’s been 7 years now. I am married, but I’m not sure I will ever be happy. I have dreams about my abuser and he is always saving me. I don’t understand. I know I have forgiven him, but my boys saw this and I have changed so much since. It’s like I’m dead. The carefree me the happy me the playful me just won’t come back. I allowed my boys to live through this. I loved him and so did they. They get mad at him and me to this day. It wasn’t always bad and I remember being so happy and then it was like I was dead. When I say to people I honestly loved him they tell me I’m crazy. I don’t know anymore I just want me back happy loving trusting. How do I get that I’m tired of faking it.
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Dear Sabrina,
Glad to hear back from you, court is stressful, hope all goes well. I loved your wording, bowl of spaghetti and bag of chips. Very descriptive and funny too. Crossing fingers for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Thanks Rebecca! It is getting easier somedays! SOmedays I feel like a bowl of dropped spaghetti. Somedays it feels like i threw up a bag of chips and am waiting for them to land. We go to court december 6 for his charges – I am really scared when I think about that day. I hope I am to move because Ido have family support if I can leave town. Thanks for the advice. Keep in touch. -Sabrina
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Dear Sabrina,
I think you wrote earlier. The guilt is normal but something that will ease up in time. You didn’t bring this on, he did. You are the mother and are here to protect your children at all costs. I feel so sad that you struggle daily to do simple things. Anyway to move? Do you have family to support you if you move? I could have and should have moved but was stubborn, tried to do it on my own and really regret that. Seek help, support online, church, friends, even one good friend can make a difference. In the end it is up to you, rely on yourself, look how far you have gotten, you have left and protected your babies. One day at a time, you will will be there. It will suck most days at first but then it won’t suck. Sounds silly but one day you will laugh and feel strong again. When you feel guilty remember you are the role model for your children.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Sophie,
Thanks for writing. I wish I had the answer as to when you begin to forgive yourself. I was the last one I was able to forgive, forgave him first. First off, no you didn’t deserve to be hit, no reason. He wants you to feel bad, it is a game of manipulation. When the more time passes you will see that you are lucky to have had the strength to file the order, many woman, myself included, thought it was me, forgave and went back for worse.
You are setting a good example for your baby. You didn’t sound happy before he hit you. Why do we feel well he wasn’t hitting me so it wasn’t that bad? Stop beating yourself up. Take one day at a time to live. Enjoy the moments you didn’t have before. You no longer need to walk on eggshells to please him. You decide what you think about, you decide if you will sit and feel bad that he hasn’t apologized, I doubt he will be sitting doing the same.
Counceling takes time. It was my way to share things I would never tell someone I knew. Then I went home, cried, cried some more. Started to journal and read every self help I could get my hands on. I started this site to help me heal and for you to know you are not alone with these feelings.
Yes, it will get better. Find out what you want in life and work towards it. He wasn’t worth the pain. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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My husband is in the military. We have a daughter who is less than 2. He punched me in the face in front of her. I left 5 days later, he filed for divorce after 10 days because I took out a protective order against him. Any time I speak to him and bring up the fact that he hit me he says I can’t get over the past and should let it go and move on and own up to what I did.. Is this normal? I was by no means perfect in the marriage but was so frustrated with him ignoring me constantly, making me feel like shit, leaving me to take care of everything and then saying I didn’t do anything, I said really mean things to him. He’s saying that justifies what he did basically. How can I forgive myself when he hates me. I should have been nicer.. It was bad getting punched in the face, but it’s 100x worse that he filed for divorce right away and has never sincerely apologized and just says we will never work and he’s not himself with me and I’m a horrible person basically. Now I’m living 2 states away and am a single mother and he keeps making me feel like crap. How is it so easy for him to just walk away from this and play the victim when I’m the victim, I’m the one that got hit, not him. Or did I deserve it because of the mean things I said to him out of frustration. I feel so empty and alone inside. It feels like I’m just trudging day by day. Yes, I’m seeing a counselor every 2 weeks, but it’s not helping me feel any better. When does the healing begin, how do I begin to forgive myself and move past this????
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I went to victim services for help. The police got involved and I was basically told to cooperate and they would give me safety or not but they were charging him. I have been shunned from our town. I have no family support here and only one friend –
My girls and I are so uncomfortable and scared even something like going to get groceries is a huge task as we don’t want to run into his friends and family. Is this normal? I still feel the need to protect him and have so much guilt for the charges he has but I had to do what I had to do to protect my girls–
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Dear Kisha,
Yes, totally normal. I felt the same way and didn’t press charges, just wanted him out of my life. You can feel that way for many reasons. Don’t beat yourself up for how you feel, then decide what you can live with. It is about you, no one else.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear RB,
You have to reach out. I know you are more worried about what others think than our safety. Other people don’t matter you do. I am so sorry, I know this wasn’t what you imagined. I have to ask, there had to have been some signs that this would happen? Did it happen before?
Be Safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I got married last Saturday October 27. This Saturday, November 3 my new husband hit me, choked me, pulled my hair out, slammed my head into a wall, broke my bed and threw the mattresses on me, etc. I’m very numb and I do not know what to do. I cannot tell anyone I know. Please help.
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Why do I feel guilty for thinking about pressing charges after I have been hit and pushed around and have bruises all over? Is that normal?
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Dear Kelly,
I can hear your pain loud and clear. We think great, we left, life will be great, some even find a great man and soon find out that is not enough. You decide what to focus on and you sound like your mind plays the same old tired record of the time you wasted. It made you who you are today, it brought you to a man you care about now. Find the strength it has given you, you made it through where some don’t. Stand in your pride of being away from him. When you suffer like this once you are gone it is like you are letting him continue to abuse you. The best revenge is a happy life. Think of all the time you are wasting now, thinking about the time you wasted then. Make sense? The more time you think of that, the day you are in is wasted. Try your best to live in the present. Times you will drift back but then get right back in the moment.
You deserve a great life, don’t let regret take it from you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I wake up at night after a nightmare and go over my life where I’ve been and where I want to go and I feel the resentment of how he changed my life, how I lost everything over and over again because of him and still am I’m ready to move on and stop being afraid I want to be at a job for more than a few months I want to stop thinking about him. But everything reminds me of him. It’s been over a yr since last abuse and I change day to day, somedays I’m scared and others I’m confident but I don’t make decisions for myself I feel myself letting others decide on what goes on in my life. I’ve been seeing someone for 6 months and he makes me happy he’s wonderful and I trust him I never thought I would ever trust anyone again. I’ve felt the anger the anxiety the depression I forgave him and myself and I continue to have positive thoughts but I the reminders of him and the time I wasted each time I went back I still feel guilty for effect it had on me then my choices and the way it has changed me now I guess it’s a slow process letting go. I don’t want the events of that life to terrorise me forever.
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I never would have thought to look at things in that light.
This is going to make my life much easier.
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Dear Luisa,
I am glad you reached out. First I am so sorry for what you are dealing with now, I was there too. You need to really think, what do you feel you can best live with? This isn’t about your dr, church, family and friends. It isn’t about guilt and the right thing to do. It is about you. I could have sent my husband away for a long time, I chose to keep restraining orders year after year, he passed away so my issues physically disappeared. I would have gotten orders forever for he never would see my son. He was a drunk and once far away from him, never came at me physically, just over the phone. Eventually, caller id, delete messages.
For me, I had some of the guilt of sending him away, but I didn’t send him to jail because, honestly, I just wanted him out of my life, he was so down and out, hated his life so bad he tried killing me. I had left months before and then asked him back, not sure why, but I did. I felt like I had set myself up for this and just wanted him gone.
The year renewal of the order was hard, he showed up, drunk and black eye, he was denied visitation. That was it, last contact.
Sit and really think, what can you live with? Revenge or making someone pay doesn’t’ heal you. What will make it easier for you to move on? I am not in any way saying there shouldn’t be punishment, but that is another conversation.
Let me know what you decide. I am here for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello I really need someone answer to my question problem dilemma. i am a also victim of Dv. my situation is very recent i just happened and i moved out a month ago. i am going through all the hard emotions that im sure you have gone through. i was also hit more then once and also psychological verbally abuse i was stupid and stayed, but last time i decided to leave and report him because there was blood involved. he was arrested but out on bail until court day and an oder of protection was issued. now the final court day is coming soon and i dont know what to do. i dont know if i should have him prosecuted or if i should just stay away and not show up and never look back.
he is getting help from what i know and we have spoken and argued hard after everything, there is no going back. we have no contact and as sick as it sounds im trying to move on and not love this abusive man. i feel Guilt if i do put him in jail and ruin his life with all the consequences but i also feel like i have to do it so he can pay for what he did.. i cant sleep just thinking about what to do. i do not want to feel like a bad person for putting someone in jail. i ask myself what do i gain from doing that just stay away from him but the other side of me asks for justice. my church and heart wants to forgive, forget and stay away but my mind, therapist and people around say i should prosecute. WHAT TO DO? PLEASE HELP
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Dear Confused,
I completely understand what you are saying. First, the guilt. I forgave the man that tormented and abused me years before I considered forgiving myself. I never fought back because I terrified as to what was even happening. We were several years in before first violent physical assault. I think I was just so stunned. Finally one day, many years, maybe 4 years after, something happened and I forgave myself. The last thing I held onto was the final days, I he was drinking, I left my 3 year old son home with him for he wouldn’t hear of me sending him to a sitter while I worked. It made me sick, but I did it. The day I came home and found my son sitting in his pj’s in the afternoon eating chips while sitting on the couch, his father passed out next to him on the couch.
That was a hard one to let go of the guilt for me. The good thing, I did lots of self help and realized I would never move on unless I let go of the guilt. It wasn’t helping anyone to hang on to it, it helped me to move on.
Forgetting what he did for you, that is a hard one. It took over ten years for me to stop having nightmares. You are the one that gets to decide what you focus on when you are awake. It is that record we play in our head. I remember reading Dr. Phil self matters, that helped me to stop doing that. I would allow myself to dwell on a thought about him until count of five, then forced myself to think of something else. It wasn’t easy in any way but be ready on how to change your thoughts.
Thoughts control you, focus on what you want life to be, not what it was.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi everybody,
Would just like some advice, I’m currently 26 and have a 5yr old daughter, about two and a half years ago I left my ex partner of 3-4yrs he was abusive physically , mentally and in some way sexually (not that he raped me ) but would make me have sex with him and if I didn’t want to would say it was due to the fact I was sleeping with someone behind his back( which I never did) etc and guilt me into having sex with him or as he would say prove to him,
I took a big risk of leaving him as he said he would hurt my family etc he did a lot of things to me that I can’t forgive or forget I still vision them sometimes.
I don’t love him or have any feeling for him but hatred but I can’t seem to forget anything he has done to me I am ashamed of letting him do that stuff to me and not once did I ever fight back I’m ashamed of the amount of times I went back after leaving and I’m ashamed and regretful of the time I wasted on him… I feel like I want to move to the next chapter of my life as in the sense of finding a new partner and soul mate but whenever I meet someone I look so close at them for just one fault and then I never talk to them again and I’m scared that they will break my heart as my ex partner is the only person I have every really opened up to and towards the last 2 yrs he become so controlling i could only see my family when he let me if I went to the shops he would come if I went to the toilet I would have to leave the door open etc, if you can’t tell already he had turned into a junkie in the last years of our relationship .and had become so paranoid and crazy……….I also have a restraining order against him which covers myself and my daughter but I feel I just cant move anymore forward I have on the out as I’m back at work in a great job back socialize with my friends when I get the time back to my joking around self but when I’m by myself or in thoughts it’s back to that part of my life how can I move forward
From confused xxx
Thanks in advance
XxxxxxxxxxxXxxxxxxxxxxx
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Dear Beverly,
I am sincerely sorry for all that you are going through. Living in daily abuse you are so alone and sheltered, then you are without abuser and it is even more alone if that is possible. You feel naked with your secrets out for the world to see. I feel the aftermath is what made the strong woman I am today, I don’t tolerate disrespect to me in my life. I treasure honesty and love. You are right, the road ahead sucks but at least you have a road ahead, many that stay, don’t. You are alone as you are the only one you can count on. Seek friends, seek guidance and lastly you will forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself seems to be the hardest part.
Thanks for sharing, your strength will support another more than you know.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Layla,
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but why are you taking his calls? Are they not collect? Do you have caller id? he is in jail and you are the one living in prison. That is a decision you need to make. The abuse is not our fault, if you let him back in, it will be.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Today I had a hearing for a Civil No Contact Order, which was granted. I already had a Criminal No Contact Order in place, but found each jurisdiction interprets it differently. I left my abuser 8 months ago after almost 7 years of leaving, going back and leaving again; too numerous times to recount. I have spent the last week and a half in a DV Women’s Shelter. Contrary to popular belief, the abuse doesn’t always end after a victim leaves. The abuser finds ways to manipulate loopholes in the system and in my case, he succeeds. I am fighting back, for the first time. I am defending my rights and working my way to a healthier me. It is not easy and I often feel alone in this journey, but it is making me stronger. I have forgiven him, not for his sake, but for mine, so I can move on. I am still working on forgiving myself and this will take time. My advice for others who are beginning their journey alone or contemplating it. Noone can tell you what to do. And you can not expect anyone to be there for you. Believe in yourself and have patience. I know it is easier said than done, I have been there and am still there. Celebrate the little victories when they happen and whatever you do…do not lose hope. Patience is a virtue when dealing with the Criminal Justice System. It is a slow process. And last, but certainly not least, do what is best for you as you are the one who has to live with choices you make. Be well and Be safe.
Beverly
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i have been with guy for four years i have two kids with him he both physically and mental abused me…august 26 2011 he beat up give me black eye laceration on ma ear i called 911 he got arrested and i have protection order in place but this guy keeps callin me from the prison acting like he cares about me,,, i told him not call me but he does call me askin how r the kids…i went to counseling i feel am strong …..
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It’s really painful to see either of them to get hurt. I started to realize only this year. I was very afraid that either of them will leave me. Ive been seaching for the signs of a domestic abusers and it seems like he suits almost 70% of them. There was one day she came home asking me to go buy long sleeve shirt with her. At first, I thought it was because she is going travelling, but I accidentally hit her arm and she shouted out loud and claimed it’s painful. Only then I realized she has bruises on the arm. Many causes of the bruises flew across my mind instantly, but I hope it’s not true. Recently, only then she reviewed that she is actually being beaten by him. I cant just ignore. I know that recently he has lots of pressure and is encountering many betrayers from our own relatives. That is why she told me not to tell this to anyone, because we still need him to go for school. But what am i supposed to do? He showed this signs only this year. Ive came across this article and thinks that it suits the signs.
” use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.”
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Dear Dee Vee,
I am proud that you stood up to the abuse. It is hard to call the police but if done the first time you have set that line to cross. I would demand that the verbal abuse stop now too. If you allow the verbal and do nothing but get sad and upset, he knows he can cross that line. There should a a tolerance of no abuse in your home. You should not be with someone that would verbally abuse you as well, what is said in anger lasts much longer than a punch to the gut.
You are the one that gets to decide where your life goes from here. I want you to be safe and happy. Do what is right for you. You said he was often verbally abusive, why? Why do you stay, is it love or habit?
Decide what you want your life to be, with or without him.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
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Hi
I don’t know how to start this but here goes. I have known my husband for 6 years, we met in college, and got married last Oct. 2011. On August 2nd he crossed the line, he held me down and pinned me down with his legs on my arms and shook. me again and again. I was so shocked, he had never done anything like this! I dialed 911 and had him arrested for domestic battery. I was so scared at the time, but do not regret my decision, I am proud to have stood up even though it had never happened before. Growing up I saw my mother suffer under my dad’s verbal and physical abuse. It took a lot of years for my mom to stand up for herself, she finally had the courage to have him arrested. After that things turned a complete 180, my dad has never touched my mom again and has changed so much. It took years for my mom to forgive herself but things are great between them now. All the while, I swore to myself never to through this or let my future children go through what I went through. And that is what makes me so confused!
I had never known my husband to react this way, although whenever we get into arguments he does get verbally abusive. I have told him how it hurts me and how however many times he may apologize afterwards, I will never forget what he says to me. He is due to return to our apt. tomorrow after his 72 hour restriction, and I have thought and thought about what I can say and if our relationship will change after this. I am just so confused, I made myself a promise, and although this is the first time this has happened I want it to be the last!
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Dear Carla,
It is a long hard road. But the work is worth it. I say take it one minute at a time. It is okay to mourn the love you wanted it to be. Find the coping skills that work best for you. Know in advance times will be hard, what will you do during the hardest times? Reach out, write, read, call someone. Having those tools in place, get counceling, learn to forgive, it taks a while for that one. You will be the last one you forgive for some reason we are hardest on ourselves.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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After nearly 5yrs in a severely verbally emotionally and sometimes physically abusive marriage…ive finally found my voice. My road hasn’t been an easy one. Its been filled with forgiveness and ignorance. Its been filled with thoughts of change and hope. And its been filled with emptiness and loss that I cant explain. I sit here wishing I can change time and space only to get the man I fell in love with back. But truth be told- maybe I should have seen the signs before. I know I have a lot of healing to do…and I want to learn how. In some ways I’m in disbelief. In many ways I miss my husband. I’m not ready to forgive him or myself yet I don’t think. I’m just trying to survive everyday without him. Trying to break the vicious cycle. Learning to love myself more than I loved him. And just feel whole like I used to. I know I have a long journey ahead.
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Dear Stevie,
I just responded to your other post. So much that you have dealt with. I am glad that the strong sense of justice is keeping you going. Remember, this shouldn’t define your life, you define it. I pray that you are in counseling by now, for what you have been through that is key. There are other things to do but that is most important for you to do first. Then the other suggestions but this will speed your recovery. I really hope you are well and safe now. Keep writing, won’t take me so long next times.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Stevie,
So sorry to take so long to respond, site issues. Not really sure where you are at this point. How do you get out of cycle, you leave now if you can. Justice is the after part, getting out and being safe is the most important part. If you are not safe nothing else matters. Being afraid is normal, you need to decide what needs to happen, get safe, then the rest will come into place. Seek counseling, this is always a starting point.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Ange,
Again, so sorry I didn’t respond for so long, was unable to respond on here, usually do pretty good time wise. Not sure where things are today but no, you don’t toughen up and take it. No one for any reason should hurt you like that. Having children added to that is going to make matters worse, trust me, I did it. You get to decide if you want to forgive him. We show others how to treat us, forgiving that and then it happens again, do you forgive again and again and again? that is the big decision that you must make. Unless he wants to change, you can’t change him.
The only person you can change is you, what do you want in life, where do you want your life to go? Don’t minimize what you went through, it is just as traumatic as the rest.
Again, accept my apologize and write again if you wish.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Ange,
I can’t say how sorry I am. I had major site issues and was unable to respond to comments from last 3 months. I am normally pretty fast. I regret that you were not helped and feel neglected, that was never my intention. I haven’t gotten to your initial email but will respond.
Rebecca
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Hello Muff,
That is a lot on your plate. If you want honesty, don’t get married. That is the last thing you need to do. You most likely still will, I did, even knowing that I shouldn’t. From what you are telling me, you both have anger issues, it can change if you both want it to. Individual counseling and group concealing would be needed, not just for a month but maybe even a year. Getting your issues out with an individual councilor will help you understand why you may not trust him, this will help him to understand why. He has stuff in his head too.
I applaud you for trying to make it work. Not all dysfunction relationships need to end, they need to stop being dysfunctional.
It is up to you. If things can’t change, you need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi,
I am very confused. I read all the writing on the wall–signs of an abuser. My fiance and I are leaving together and have a beautiful little boy. There were great moments in those last 4 years. But I was aware of the very bad insults,observing movements, untrusting “are you having an affair?” blame shifting and punching. I started retaliating by giving him a taste of his own medicine to make him realise how I felt when he said the F word or was still contacting an ex girlfriend or was saying bad things about my family. He saw a poem I wrote years ago and got suspicious and punched me for the third time in a 5month period. I finally got angry and threw him out and asked him to seek some help before we can get back together. He immediately, acted by joining a similar group and admitting he is an abuser and very ashamed of his acts. He said, he would like to give us one more chance to work things out. I love him and we are in our late 20s. I must admit, I have a temper and would lash back if whenever I am hurt. Both my father and step father mistreated my mother one with adultry the other with beating and I don’t want my baby to grow up like this. I feel because of my upbringing, it has led me to not trust my partner to be incharge. We share the same religion and after a fight or arguement would both feel guilty and apologise. He would be the first to apologise. I am the proud one and would hold back until I am really calm and would forgive him. I am not giving up on him and believe both of us can change. Is that realistic? We plan to get married end of this year but I’m scared of how things may turn out. What should I do?
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You dont want to respond?
Angela
PS my email was wrong, I thought you would post a response online. I guess it doesnt matter enough to which is exactly what I thought…
I am sorry to have wasted your time.
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I am recently married, my husband and I have a great relationship except we both have temper tantrums sometimes… It is rare but tonight he punched me in the face… Should I forgive him? Ay new years he threw me across the room but other than that he is pretty placid. I love him so much, but he wants children and this scares me..
What do I do? Its not like the immense suffering you ladies bore, but it does make me sad… Should I just toughen up a bit & love him better? I dont know ehat else to do
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How do I get out of this cycle, I want justice done so much, but I am equally afraid of everything!
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I have been out of my abusive relationship for a little over a month now. He eventually tried to kill me by keeping me in a room for an hour, throwing me around and cutting off all my air by trying to crushing my windpipe and covering my mouth and nose. I still have flashbacks everyday and most nights can’t sleep at all but the only thing that’s really keeping me going is making sure he is put behind bars. Making sure I have all the evedence in case it goes to trial. writing my victim statement for the pre-trial. He sofar has two felonies and two mistameaners against him and I’m hopeing that with my cooperation with the prosecuter and my statement to the judge it will help. Of course they are waiting til may 14 for the trial but I really would like to get on with my life and not be afraid his mother that I worked for or him to come after me. This guy is done beating women hopefully if the courts do do something about it. I guess my strong sense of justice is what keeps me going although I would really like for all this to end.
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Hi,
My name is Jessica I am 19 years old and have a 3 year old her name is Haley. I recently just got out of an abusive relationship its not even a week. The police were involved and everything. He got arrested and I was taken to the emergency room because he gave me a bloodshot eye. For now I’m staying with my mom she is very supportive and has always been there for me. Were fixing up me & my daughters room. Its like a new fresh start. I feel happy. I feel free. There are times though I get sad and think about all that’s happen and I feel scared of whats going to happen next. I always wanted a happy family for my daughter. To be raised by both her parents but that couldn’t happen. I am working now and I know i can do this by myself without needing him but it just makes me sad that it had to end like these. It could have been worse though right He could have killed me. I just need some advice i don’t want to think about him ever I just wish I could forget him. I changed my number and anything that can connect me with him. Do you have any advice for me this is a really nice page and I just want to know what do you think I should do How can i stop myself from being sad and just moving on. I am really trying hard. I also don’t want to let my mother down she is helping me all the way. I know i don’t deserve the life I was having neither me or my daughter deserved that life. He didn’t hit me all the time but when he did it was like a stab in my heart and all the love I had is gone now he never told me i was ugly he would always say if i left him i would find someone right away because i was so pretty so its like that’s what makes me confuse sometimes. If you have any advice please tell me I really appreciate it.
Love Jessica
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Dear Cheryl,
Totally there for you, you don’t need luck, you have courage and strength that many don’t. You left, you are free to live and breathe again. It is so hard in the beginning but when you finally realize you can sleep, breath and have a life it comes back to you day by day. Knowing that your children are now safe is the best part. You want for nothing fancy, safety and security. That is what everyone wants, and love. Love yourself first to attract those that really love you.
We must try to stop trying to understand why they do what they do, we will never know. I feel my husband was brutally hurt growing up and this crippled him as a man. This was then taken out on those around him. I think he did love me, just just hated himself more.
I know your fear from him know, do all that you can to be safe at all times, but still live. You must. Keep in touch, the aftermath is what is focused on this site too. How to survive after you leave.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I left my abusive husband after 11 years of marriage. I am a 40 year old professional with a 5 and 4 year old. It keeps me strong when I look in my 5 year old daughter’s eyes and see her innocence, unconditional love, and sweetness, despite all of the bad things my husband did to hurt her, physically and emotionally. I owe it to my kids and myself to heal and create a life without fear. A home that is safe, secure and predictable. I’m scared at the unknown future for us, but, at least now I once again have hope. Something that I lost being in the abusive relationship. I feel free and never once doubt my decision. I don’t miss my husband at all. I think I stayed in the marriage for so long because I did not want to let go of the dream that we could one day be a happy family. Now I realize that the dream would never come true if I stayed with my husband. I will never truly understand how the man I loved could physically hurt me without remorse and then act like it was my fault. I especially will never understand how my husband could hurt our kids… His own flesh and blood. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about what my husband did to us. I don’t understand why I didn’t see all of this while I was in the marriage. I have so many bthine pried of his abuse pop into my head each day. Its like I was blind for so long and now I’m seeing everything clear. Wish me luck at my life as a single parent that looks over her shoulder all the time wondering when my husband will retaliate against me for my new found free life.
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Dear Adrienne,
Wow, you have been through to much for words. I was happy to hear that you are free of this man. Isn’t it funny how we can fall for a man that from day one is a drunk? Warning signs, any man that just meets you and says that you will marry>>>>>>> read flag ladies, run fast and don’t look back.
I pray that nothing would allow you to return to this man. Focus on being the strongest woman you can be that would never allow a man like this back into your life. It really makes you appreciate so much. You sounded like a strong woman when you met him, it happens to the strongest of all of us, we want love and endure so much for it.
Stay strong and be well Adrienne. Keep sharing, it helps to heal.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear K,
Stuck you are. What are you getting from staying stuck? There must be something or you would move on. I don’t mean for that to sound so simple, but if you read what you wrote here a few times you would see the writing on the wall so to speak. No matter what, this doesn’t sound like a healthy place for you to be. Sometimes we love someone so much for we fear being alone. You wrote to me so I feel that I must offer honest advice. Move on, stop playing that same old record in your head. Anytime you start to think of him find something you will do instead. I would allow my self to the count of 5 and then force myself to think of something else. Read a book, call a friend, watch a movie…. anything to not continue to play that damn old record. I know this is not easy to do but what is? If you can condition yourself eventually it will be easier to not think of him.
Why dream of going back to something that hurt you more than anything? You need to focus on making yourself healthy and whole. Then, when the time is right, you will find a mate that deserves you. One that you would never dream of cheating on. But, for that to happen, you must be someone someone else deserves too. A woman that is confident, honest and real. Stop wishing your life away and focus all that time and energy on the dreams you used to have, what did you want to do more than anything if you were not so focused on this man.
Be honest with yourself. Don’t make your entire life’s happiness about a man. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I really want you to be happy and from what I read, going back to him or spending more thoughts on him, is not what you really want.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Lisa,
Great advice, thank you for caring for others.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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You have done the right thing always remember that. I know from past experience that your son will come to deal with many confusing emotions I would suggest getting him counseling he can get free youth counseling at the local YWCA. I commend you for your strength and great courage. I would also suggest a support group and or counseling for you. You were the victim and now you are overcoming. I pray that you receive strenghth and protection as you continue in you and your son’s journey of healing.
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It is always difficult when we want to believe that the person we shared so much with has changed and maybe he has. However, if that person has truly changed you would not have that empty feeling when you are together. I would suggest you start attending a women’s support group in your area. When you can gather with women who have gone through what you are struggling with they me be a neutral party that can help you process your feelings. I pray God gives you wisdom and discernment in this matter.
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Here is my crux.
I left a relationship with an emotionally abusive man in May of 2011. In the last seven or so months, I feel like I have made no progress moving on. Visions of him still haunt me daily. I replay episodes and conversations like broken records. It is very easy to categorize his behavior as almost text-book abuse…but the reason I cannot let go of the guilt here is because I had cheated on him.
I engaged in an emotional affair about two months into the relationship. (I was partially aware that I was seeking the connection/affection that I wasn’t getting from him) and when he found out, he said that he would forgive me if I worked really hard to show him that he could trust me again. I found us a therapist, we moved in together. I lent him $5,000. I helped with his home improvements.
But I became trapped in a vicious cycle – I was terrified to tell him simple things, such as, “I had lunch with Doug today” – because he would explode, and then blame the behavior on the fact that I had cheated. So this would propel me to tell white lies about where I had been and who with. Eventually he would find out, and he would use this as more fodder for his rage.
It seemed that everything he did was excusable, because I LIED and I CHEATED and I continued to LIE. Intellectually, I KNOW that there is no excuse for him to degrade me, scream in my ear, push me, throw water in my face, and break my personal belongings. I know this.
But something in my heart CANNOT LET GO.
I fantasize about seeing him somewhere, and embracing in a huge, loving hug – it would be such a relief. But when I finally moved out, I once again became “the bad guy” – so he made sure to end our communication on a very destructive note, and has completely cut me from his life since. (A good thing for me, yes, but his last correspondence was a letter to me that was vile, vicious, and completely heart-breaking).
I shouldn’t care what he is doing, or how he feels, or if he realizes that what he did was independent of what I did; people stray all the time (hence the amazing abundance of couples therapists) – but their partners do not use this to tie an albatross around their neck, poisoning every interaction thereafter. Some people break-up. Others forgive, and move forward. He did neither. He trapped me in a house of self-doubt, self-hatred, and fear.
And I still love him.
I am stuck.
So. Stuck.
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You are so right you do not deserve it, when a person puts there hand on you in any way shape of form is wrong. Even though you are feeling bad right now that is normal. There is no exact way to process all of this. There is no formula for what to expect. You may go through many phases in your dealing with what happened like shame, fear, doubt that it was even as bad as it really was. But stick to your initial reaction this person does not deserve to be near you. Keep people around you that want to keep you safe and I would suggest getting additional counseling to make sure you stay on the right path and stay strong. I pray that God grants you peace and comfort.
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Dear Bianca,
You will get through this, no one is ever prepared for what happened or the aftermath. Find counceling, that is my best advise, you will join with others who have been through what you have been, the support gets you through. Journal, speak out. Realize that you did nothing to deserve this and are lucky to be out. It will take time for the physical to heal but the emotional takes a bit longer. You will make it. Keep in touch, let me know how we can help you through the aftermath.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Jane,
You think for you only. No matter what, what you want is what matters. If he abused you enough for you to leave, you don’t need to go back. You know how you feel, sometimes we think for the sake of the kids….. I would maybe suggest that you don’t join in on the visits, be civil but don’t let yourself get pulled back in. If he has changed, great, I applaud him, he will be a better father for your children and a better ex to deal with, but never put yourself back in that situation. The rest of your life is in front of you, why would you want to risk going back to something that hurt so bad. One day there will be a fight and his anger over you leaving him will rear the ugly head. I learned this one the hard way.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Melissa,
Thank you for sharing with us today. The hardest thing to do of all of this is forgive yourself for staying. I forgave him long before myself. We are the mothers and protectors of our children so we feel we should have known better and left sooner, but we didn’t. I will tell you one truth, if you can learn to forgive yourself early on, you are only human and did the best that you can, your life can change from that moment on. Emerge yourself in forgiveness of all kinds, this is what can change the rest of your life. You had so much hurt and pain, why do we feel the need to continue to suffer for what has happened rather than enjoy the freedom of today. Look at how many times you dreamed of being free. You are now, so forgive through it.
Keep in touch, everyone would love to know how you are doing, this is a very supportive group hear, not judgements, no crap.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I just left a violent relationship and it is painful. trying to forgive myself and grieve over what never could be. My son is angry i am angry one minute than upset and grieving the next. the perpetrator is in jail with a class b felony and pending charges that are worse because the 911 cal and telling the police the truth opened up a can of worms. I am trying to accept that this is not my fault but his for the decisions he made. One day i will forgive myself. one day at a time and one minute if time if need be.
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I was in an abusive relatioship for nearly 10 yrs finally 1yr ago I left, I live with our two children he says them twice a month but lately I hang out with hm the last two weekends he ssys he’s changed my mum wanys me to give him a chance but I still feel so hurt and angry and no loving feeling comes when he’s around,what do I do?
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Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all the ladies sharing their stories, their advice and to Rebecca for establishing this blog! I, too, never in a million years would have thought I’d be a subject of any kind of abuse. I’m educated, strong and admired by many people I know to the point where most people couldn’t even believe I was abused. I played roller derby, was even an MMA fighter and had the confidence of a queen, but somehow found myself with a man who constantly degraded me and beat me. It’s tough to look into myself to discover why on earth I’d put myself in this situation.
It all began with my girlfriend asking me to be her wing-woman on a date she was going on. As I’m sitting at the bar being the 3rd wheel, he walked in already inebriated. We knew each other through common friends, but had never really talked. We had a great conversation despite his drunken state and the four of us went back to his restaurant to have a bottle of wine. He and I ended up making out and I remember him telling me, “We’re gonna make love one day, we’re gonna get married and have babies. I can tell you’re THE woman for me.”
We all departed and I hadn’t given him my tele# so I figured, “That was a fun crazy make-out session…moving on!” The next morning, he went to my friend’s pizza shop and begged him to give him my tele#. My buddy knew I’d been single for a long time and thought this guy was cool, so later that day I get a call from him and agree to go out on a date. It all started beautifully, though I thought he drank a little too much (first red flag I ignored!!), and we began to date on the regular. He, too, was intelligent, educated, strong, worked hard and kept up on current events—all things I’m attracted to. We had the same tastes and beliefs in all the important stuff—so I thought.
After we’d been dating exclusively for a couple of months he offered to help me cook for my family reunion—I was doing the whole thing myself. We planned to stay at his apartment and wake up at 5AM to start cookin’. He didn’t meet me when we planned and ended up coming home at 3AM wasted—turns out he’d been out with another women doing cocaine (2nd and 3rd red flags I ignored!!). When I told him how upset I was that he was doing this and how important this reunion was to me, he got so angry he cleared his kitchen table, lamp and all—the contents of my purse flew in every crevice of the kitchen, keys, tele, wallet. He put me in a rear-naked choke and being an MMA fighter, I knew how to get out of it—when I did, he grabbed me again, choked me even harder and I had to bite him to get free. Then, he looks down at the lamp, picks it up and pathetically says, “aww I liked that lamp.” Then, he looks at me as if seeing me for the first time, got down on his knees and started apologizing profusely. I was torn…all the food I’d spent my family’s $500 on was in his restaurant, I couldn’t go to the reunion without food and I didn’t have the money or resources to go buy it all again. I decided to sit in the kitchen while he slept for a couple of hours and then we went to the restaurant to cook while he acted like nothing had happened. I went to the reunion alone and my family was so happy, it was the best one we’d had since my great-grandmother was alive.
After all of that, I was just in shock…did that really happen?? Was he really a drug addict?? Was there hope he could change?? A few weeks later, after multiple calls, texts and apologies, I agreed to get back with him under the conditions that he did not do drugs around me or cheat on me. That’s when the verbal abuse began: “You’re so fat, stupid, whorish, etc.” “I’m going to make you quit derby, MMA and everything you love and then I’m going to quit you!” On and on this went and I believed it was because of the withdrawal from the drugs and alcohol, that he was just lashing out at me and we’d get through this (4th red flag I ignored!!!).
Boy, was I wrong. The punching, choking and kicking came again and again. Each time, I would kick him out or leave, but I always took him back. The authorities were even involved, but he’s such a great manipulator that they always believed him. He’d say I was a violent MMA fighter (even though I hadn’t trained or fought in over a year) who was jealous of any girl he talked to which simply wasn’t true, but the cops would believe him and tell me if I wanted to press charges that I’d be the one arrested!!! The worst was when he planted a steak knife in my house and called 911 one night after beating me. He told the police I had attacked him with the knife while he slept in my bed, stolen his tele, broken his glasses and all kinds of other nonsense. That night, it all started because I had beat him at bowling!!! I was arrested out of my own home and told by the police that I had given myself the bruises that covered my body. I mean, really??? The giant hand prints on my arms had somehow been done myself when my hands are half that size???
I was able to press charges against him once I was bailed out of jail because of all the bruises, but the charges against me were so great that my lawyer advised me to plead the 5th, his lawyer did the same and everything was dismissed. He wanted to “talk” in court that day and I said, “NO!” I thought, “Okay, I’m finally out of this,” I changed my tele#, I moved, I began doing great things with my life again.
Then, the calls at my work place began with, “Adrienne, I love you and want to marry you! I’m going to Celebrate Recovery, I’m better now.” What did I do?? I took him back, I let him live at my house when he had a bed-bug infestation at the apartment building he lived in. Everything went great for three months—he didn’t say those hurtful things anymore, he told me I was a beautiful amazing person, that he got clean for me, for us…he cooked, he cleaned, brought me flowers, gifts, talked about starting a family, how I had made him a better person…he did all the manly things around the house and for me that I craved.
Until I came home one night and he had a crack-dealer at my house. Not only had he not recovered, but he was still drinking and doing drugs, had moved on to smoking crack and had the gall to bring it into my home!!!! When I ordered them both out of my house, the dealer left, but he wouldn’t and the beating began. Once I finally got him out of the house, he stood on my front porch and called 911. FINALLY, they saw my face, saw that he was wasted and I had done no wrong, arrested him and gave me an emergency protective order.
This last incident happened Saturday. I went yesterday to file for a continued protective order. It was really hard to do. It’s so hard to keep from ignoring the horrible times when the good times are golden. It’s hard to let go of the hope that things could be different, of the hope that I could really live a life of love with him. It’s hard to have faith in the system that’s supposed to protect me when it let me down so many times. It’s hard not to miss this crazy a**hole even though I know staying away from him will save my life. It’s harder not to feel guilty and ashamed of how stupid I was to give him chance after chance with me.
The best thing I know is to surround myself with people who I know love me and care about me and dig deep to find my own self-worth again. It’s really hard to do, but it’s my only option!!!
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This page helps so much! Two days ago, my boyfriend of 7 months choked me once, (blocking my airway but still conscious) and then 10 minutes later, strangled me (I blacked out for a few seconds). This happened on my college campus. I thought me loved me. My birthday is a week away and Im upset now, and didn’t do anything about what had happened until last night. Why did I wait? Cause I feel like he didn’t mean it because he was intoxicated, he get s aggressive when set off when drunk. He apologized and I was tired it was 4 am. My friends neighbors heard me choking and came running. If they didn’t come running, I probably would have been dead. The next night aka last night, my boyfriend was drinking again and became verbally aggressive, so my friends were talking to me as I told him something needs to be done. My boyfriend kept asking for me and then he ran to get his car and leave. Public safety caught him and he isn’t allowed on my campus ever again and tomorrow I have to go to court and everything. I’m also still 17 and hes 27, I thought he loved me as he told me. He never did anything like this before. I don’t deserve it neither does anyone else. my throat still hurts so bad and im so hurt emotionally now. Is it normal that I feel bad now, cause I think I was in shock before. please help I feel so alone
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Dear Maddison,
You can just vent here without being judged. My advice will follow. I started out the same way. Loved a drunk, thought I could change him. Lived with abuse and regret for way too long. You did what you knew to do for the reasons you felt best. You didn’t deserve it, any of it. Even though you didn’t run, still doesn’t mean you deserved it. He was the one that didn’t care. I pray that since you are so young, that you learn to deal with what happened and look towards your future. The aftermath is the hardest part, the why did I stay, what was I thinking. The only thing that matters is that you learn and never let this type of person into your life again. Learn that you were not at fault and that life should be more. Love is not that type of hurt. You can be strong and hole on your own. It is very empowering to think for yourself and go after your goals and dreams. I am finally with a man that loves that I think for myself and have my passions to pursue. I don’t need him with me, I feel honored to have his love and he mine.
The best revenge is a life well lived, so go for it. Heal, then go get life Madison. Write back and let me know how I can help you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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WE WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO OUR
R.O.S.E.S. Support Group Meetings
Renewing
Ourselves in a
Secure atmosphere of
Emotional and spiritual
Support
This is a non-judgemental domestic violence/sexual assault survivors womens group, we are here to listen
Support group weekly meetings
We will offer Confidentiality
Love and Respect
Referral services with state & local agencies
We are here to listen and to offer prayer when requested
866-579-1906 or email us at rosesministry@ymail.com
BUT YOU LORD ARE A SHIELD AROUND ME, MY GLORY, THE ONE WHO LIFTS MY HEAD HIGH. Psalms 3:3
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I am nineteen years old. Today I walked away from the man who abused me for almost two years. He was in the Marine Corps, and I was young, and obviously stupid. The first times I met him he was drunk, the first conversations we had, he doesn’t remember because of the intoxication. From day one there was the drinking. Soon after came lies. Right after that came the first time he hit me. Two months in. And I should have gotten into the car, and driven home, but how could I leave him on the military base alone? The next eighteen months in my mind are just a flurry of lies and fights, and crying by myself. I can see him coming at me, I can hear my voice begging. Not just for mercy, but pathetically, for love. He made me believe I deserved it. And it took all this time for me to realize it was all just a web of lies, drugs, drunkeness, hatefulness. I don’t really know if I’m asking for advice. I just want to tell someone what happened.
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Hello Trinity,
You said you want to heal. Can this be done while you are still with this man? I am not so sure that can happen if you stay. To heal you must be gone. Any man that treats you that way will not change. yes, it can happen, but he has to want it more than anything for himself, not you. You need all of your focus on you, your safety and survival. Reach out, decide what you want to do and make a plan, can you leave, get counceling. Make an actual plan to leave. That is the only way for you to even begin to heal. Keep in touch and let us know how we can support you hear. I know this isn’t going to be easy but then again, the way you are living isn’t either. You can do it. You were meant for more.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am so lost right now 😦
I have been in a relationship with a man for 2 years and it has got to a point that I have fought back and seriously injured him and he now says I am the abuser. He has 2 kids that he hasn’t seen for 3 years and he is due to get access soon as he has been in a “stable” relationsip with me and I have a kid too and have spoken up for him. This was before he strangled me and I ran downstairs and wet myself. I went to a refuge that day but it didn’t work out and 3 months later we got back together.
The first time he hit me was after about a month together we went out and got drunk, he slapped me with his full force, smiled and passed out, there had been no arguement and the next day he couldn’t remember it and brushed it off as a joke, now looking back it haunts me, the devlish look in his eyes and the enjoyment of the humiliation on my face. To complicate things I was raped and am going to court to prosecute the man and my parner is a witness. I try to tell myself I will leave after that but deep down there is always an excuse to stay. I was investigated by ss after refuge and said I went as I was raped which is not true. Now I feel if I go to a womene’s group for help I will be judged harshly. I have ptsd and I have begge him not to shout at me and show me his teeth. I could only promise not to initiate violence as I have only lashed out to protect myself when he i angry and in my face, if I push him away or hit or kick him away he takes the moral high ground and grabs my throat covering my face so I can’t breathe. I am starting to not remember the order of things when it gets violent and he uses this to blame me, I feel so guilty for allowing this and sinking to that level mysef as a response. It is my childhood over again except unlike my mum, I fight back. This is so stupid as he is doube my weight and size but I can’t bear to just take it, I spent my childhood unable to confront my dad beating my mum and her just freezing. I saw her as weak and I hated her for not leaving. Now I understand and fear my child will hate me or worse be in a relationship like this. He signed up for a dv course after he nearly strangled me to death but it’s a year wait and I feel stupid now for waiting. He says I need to do an abusers course too as I am violent.
Can anyone shed some light for me? I want to heal.
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Dear July,
Thank you for your honestly and sharing. I encourage you to look through the blog as it is pretty active. I applaud you for being so honest, it sure as hell is not easy but it is a heck of a lot better than the abuse. The guilt is hard to get over. You can’t beat yourself up. Each day that you wake up is a day to let go of something. I found that lots of self help books helped me, Dr. Phil Self Matters was s good one that helped me to move on and stop caring what others thought. I was so self concious after the abuse ended. I ws afraid of my own shadow. I kept a goal jouranl that I did every year fright at new years. I can remember reading things after ten years and being amazed at home far I had come.
I am so happy that this group has helped you as that was my goal and dream when I started it. Write again, I want to hear how you are doing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I see its been years since anyone has commented but love this blog and just wanted to share my story, probably more for my own healing than anything.
Its been roughly 2 months since I left my abusive partner of 16 months. I thank God everyday for having given me the strength and the courage to finally leave after feeling like I was slowly wasting away and dying a slow cruel and unusual death of the spirit and soul.
My abuse was mainly emotional but I was raped and impregnated on purpose by my abuser and when I left the violence was slowly escalating. I still remember the last bruises he left on my arms after I caught him cheating for the umpteenth time.
So far its been an incredible journey of recovery. I care not one iota for that man however I still carry a significant amount of guilt and shame with me. Guilt in the sense that whoever he is as a person whatever his actions towards me are his business and he will answer for those in this lifetime or thereafter, but my reaction to his actions and treatment of me kill me. The first time he cut me with words, the first time he forced himself on me, the first time he stole from me, the first time he infected me with an STI, the first time he raised his hand to me then balled it into a fist, all those times I should have ran to save myself. But I stayed. It kills me to this day that I let him treat me like that.
I am slowly tryna forgive myself but its easier said than done. It is a process that will take an inexplicable amount of time but I intend to do it for my own sense of peace and sanity.
If you are in an abusive relationship, know that you are not responsible for any of the atrocities done upon you. As humans we have a fight or flight instinct and you should embrace it and use it to save yourself. Don’t try change him or wait for him to change. You have a better chance of seeing Jesus first. Save yourself and live the life you truly deserve.
Thank you for this platform to express myself and to inspire me along my journey to recovery. I wish all you beautiful spirits nothing but the best in life.
Take care.
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Dear NY,
You have God on your side, that is so much more than many have. Had it not been for God I never would have made it this far. You sound like you are truly on the right path and have a recovery plan in place. Funny, I just read about tapping skills the other day and encourage others to check into it.
I never new what PTSD was until I was diagnosed too, my son was only 5 but he suffered the most. You are doing what you should be doing and I thank you for having the courage to survive. I encourage you to check out a site that I have linked here, it is about moving on http://www.survivormanual.com/Let us know how things are going, you will be an encouragement for many.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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It is very possible to survive the violence . It is the starting again I am finding hard. I have been abused by my husband on and off for eleven years and the only thng good that I have left is my beautiful boys. Reading so many of these stories of trauma ,grief,ad ager is so familiar to me it hurts a little. I have been fully out of this reationship since june but that doesn t mean the abuse stop since he tried ll he could to take my boys from me. I have God on my side in this as it never happened and it has done the opposite and made it harder for him to access our boys. I am healing slowly but surely groups ,therapists , and friends have been the backbone of this,but pivotal is also my faith in God.. Its werid now when i find myself triggered I now recognize it and use the coping skills( tapping, art journal , and deep breathing echniques to ground myself again. forgiving myself is the hard part. my oldest son and I have both been diagnosed with PTSD and it s motly my fault. even though I now why I wasn t strong enough to leve in time it doesn t make it easier to swalow. My abuser did many of the same things and abused me in all ways. (mental,physical,verbal and even sexual) most of the serious abuse occured when i was pregnant which I feel makes him even less of a man then most because of it. I just need to figure out how to move forward now?
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Dear Scarred,
Thank you so much for posting. Your story is too famailier. It is funny how once harm may come to our children that suddenly we can find the courage to leave. I was ready to die trying to leave then to know I would die if I stayed. You must show your children that they deserve more. I applaud you for leaving and hope that we can be here for you.
I know you are afraid to move on, that happens for everyone but find way to nurture yourself. Focus on want in life, not what has already happened. I encourage you to follow this blog if you can do so safely as I will be adding some new resources to focus on recovering in the aftermath.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Courage,
What a great name you have picked for yourself. You need courage to get through stuff like this. It is amazing how strong the human will and soul are that they can endure so much but then want for a better life. I am so happy to hear that you finally left for good. Many women, myself included return again and again until we reach our last straw and break free for good. No one can make this decision for you, you have to decide you want and deserve more.
I am so sorry for all that you went through, I read many comments and posts you went through hell. The best revenge is to live. live well. Let us know how you are progressing, it is a long road but you can make it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi everyone,
I consider myself a suvivor of DV. I suffered for 5 long years. Unfortunately, my abuser is the father of my one and only two year old daughter. I cant remember the first instance of abuse, however I can tell you that it gradually got worse. Where at first it was simple things, like we had to listen to what HE wanted to listen to on the car radio or he would become upset to something I didnt find to be a big deal. Then it was what are you wearing? Pull your shirt up you look like a whore. Then it was you ARE a fat worthless whore and thats why I cheat on you! Then it was kicking me in the stomach a week after I delivered our daughter via csection. I could have bled to death. I stayed a year after that happened, enduring many more instances of his abuse, this time in front of my infant. I was so afraid he would lose it to the point of hurting her, I can remember so clearly and painstakingly my colicy daughter screaming for hours and him ripping her blanket out from under her in frustration and throwing her pacifier against the wall. It wasnt untill my daughter was one that I finally left. He went to hit me in an argument while I was holding my daughter and accidentally hit her. I saw red that day, and with every last motherly instinct to keep my child safe that I had in my body I called the police and he was removed from the home, thankfully he was held long enough for me to get my things out of the apartment and move back home safely with my baby. I have never looked back. I still sit here scarred months later, and afraid to move on. I dont know how long it will take, but I consider my daughter an angel from heaven for getting me out of a bad situation. Please stay safe. If you think you are being abused, YOU ARE! You dont deserve it!
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Hi
I’m a 24yo from australia and I was in a brief toxic relationship that ended 9 months ago.
I was with my bf for 2 months before I realised he had a bad temper as a result of a drug addiction. The strangest part for me is letting go of the stereotype. I’m a strong independent woman who fell for a strong, educated but unfortunately violent man. I feel guilty to say my perception of domestic violence was only weak women get sucked in by these unemployed loser men. I was so wrong! Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate against social levels.
One night he became angry at me because i wanted to discuss our relationship. He poured water on me, yelled at me and called me names along with pushing me into walls.
I made excuses for this behavior and took him back after his apologies and promises not to do it again.
The cycle began almost immediately again and he started name calling and making degrading comments towards me. 2 weeks passed with me making excuses for his behavior and this is when it moved into the violence cycle again. He became enraged and poured water on me again and dragged me through the house naked to the top of the staircase. I managed to get to my feet and told him to stop pushing me and struck him on the cheek with an open hand hoping he might stop hurting me. This only provoked him more and I saw his face lose control, he grabbed me by both arms and lifted me and threw me down 15 steps. Laying at the bottom of the steps unable to feel my legs and my wrist bone pertruding through my arm, the only thing he could say was ‘why did you make me do that?’ I was scared for my life and scared he would want to kill me as he was so afraid he would go to prison that I agreed to tell the police I had slipped in order to get medical treatment.
I was treated in hospital and eventually released into his care. I made the decision to go tothe police the next day and report the assault.
He was a great manipulator and over the next few weeks, even with bail conditions not to contact me, I found myself withdrawing the complaint because I was worried about him.
It took another 2 months for me to witness the cycle happening again and decide to leave for good.
I have so much still to deal with. The guilt I feel for going back to him, the anxiety, the constant thought of that night and feeling like I came so close to death, the fear that he will take revenge because I am continuing with the complaint, the expectations of other people that I should be over this and move on. I feel like this act of violence has changed me forever. I no longer feel motivated about my job, I don’t know where I fit in, I feel mostly lost.
I won’t give up though. I won’t suppress my emotions and I am learning to love myself again.
I hope one day I can breathe again without conflicting emotions.
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Dear Susan,
I can remember where you are so vividly. I had finally been rid of him, then I brought his son to see him, the guilt from his family made me take him back, life was worse than ever as he was so angry he had to leave in the first place. How did you get him out before? Can you go anywhere when he is not there? Do you need to get out today? Call the hotline. You can’t worry that you let him back, ,deal with that later, just get out now. You are not even in the area of forgiveness, you are in the area of getting out, escaping with your life.
Check out these sites, see if they can offer you some help. http://womenslaw.org/ and http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php
I wish that I could offer you move, write back and let us know how you are, we never judge and will support you the best that we can.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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My abuse did not get bad until I asked him to leave. He has made my last 2-3 years so bad, I lost myjob, we lost alot of money because of his appartments that I asked him to move back in. He harrassed me for two days and twisted my wrist again. never seems enough for him. We are in trouble money wise but he can talk about that or his evilness.
I tried to tell my family and friends and I understand how people say noone believes it or wants to deal with it so I have noone to pick me up and probably why I asked him back.
It hurts my soul I settled and put myself back in bad situation.
He just acted nice for 2 weeks so I thought it would be better.
Help me I am scared for my life.
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Dearest Tash,
Your situation is heartbreaking to say the least. I hope that others can encourage you to get out. Nothing is going to get better where you are. You have been through so much for one person. My biggest prayer is that you are able to get out. Maybe you have a shelter you can get to, family to get you far away. I too wish that I could come get you and your babies and get you far away. He isn’t going to change and you are never going to love him again. Keep writing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Rebecca,
Hi rebecca,well I have been in a dv ralationship for 2 and a half years I live in UK.I have three children 10,6 and eleven months.The girls are from different partners and the baby boy is mine and his.
When we first got together there were signs of constant lying and other women he was texting.Then 4 months into the relationship he headbutted me when i was miscarrying our child>I became very distrustworthy and constantly ask him who he was on the phone too and accuse him of cheating.
The following april he assulted me to the point i thought i was going to die ,i dropped charges hopin he would change but he didnt and the abuse escaleted both phsically and entally.
Although I love my son i didnt want anyore children and felt so pushed into it,when i was pregnant he would constantly go out and leave me at home,
the day we had him was i thought well hoping he would change but still he didnt and again he assaulted e prettty bad in april whilst our baby was asleep in the same room.I again dropped charges thinkin he loved me.
we took a holiday together but was constantly accusing me of looking at other people or say i was watching where he was looking even though i wasnt.
he has ripped off my towel before so i was naked and called me skanky and urghh look at you
then he moved out and things got worse where he was taking drugs,when he lost his job he moved back in,things got worse and i was assaulted in front of our baby i was so scared i run out of the house naked with only a dressing gown he was arrested and due in court feb.
he had bail conditions and a tag but gave it all i love you story so i wrote and the court removed all conditions,2 days later i find he has an 18 yr old in his house apparently they just kissed!! i stupidly hit him i was so angry and felt so used and he then said i kicked my own son which obviously didnt happen!! so now im petrified the years of abuse he will turn it round to make it look like me,no charges were pressed though.
we then have been n and off and had a case con with ss last week resulting on all 3 kids on a protection plan and he is not aloud in the home.if i basically see him the kids get taken!!
he has put his hand over my middle childs mouth,but wants contact with his child ,i feel like im loosing everything and still very voilatile and weak coz i feel i still love him,obviously i love and adore my babies,but feel like im suffering and he has the life of riley.
we had 4 amazing days and then we w ere in the car n his fone went off he didnt answer and i demanded who it was and he said he diddnt know!!!!!! i asked hi to call it back but he wouldnt so obviously he knew fall dam well who it was which has sparked off more rows as hes trying o say it was an x even though its not her number then i go and find pics of him out with 2 different woman but swears blind he has never cheated on me.
i am so confused and scared i know what the right thing is to do but im frightened i wish someone would just come get me and the kids and take us far far away…
nat
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Dear Karen,
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your story. Sharing helps others to know that they too are not alone. You have been though so much and come out alive. The best advice I woudl give is what you said at the end, take time for yourself. Don’t blame your self but don’t allow it again. You need to love yourself first to attract the right man. Don’t change who you are for anyone. I always suggest to stay single for at least a year, learn to love being along, do what your passion is. The rest will fall into place.
I wish you all the best that life has in store for you. You are stronger than you think.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi
I stumbled across this website whilst looking up something else entirely but a lot if what I have read rings true for me too. I left my second abusive partner last October, so we have been apart for over a year now.
Like others in this site, my first ex was emotionally abusive, manipulative and a real sweetheart to everyone else.
All the signs were there, aggression, narcissism and being a bit perverted in the bedroom, but it just didn’t seem to register until it was too late and I felt like I would make a fool of myself to everyone else if I admitted what was going on. So I muddled through as best I could, I think a lot of us do that, hoping that things will improve if he gets what he wants or just miraculously wakes up a different man. We split up after ten years, he never once hit me but emotionally I felt like I had gone into the ring with a pro everyday. We don’t talk now, my two eldest daughters refuse to acknowledge his existence and that suits us all just fine.
I thought I had healed my wounds, I spent a year solo, I could laugh again and had lovely friends, I even managed to reconcile with family who had been unsupportive when the shit first hit the fan. But in reality and with hindsight I had not forgiven myself, I was merely glossing over the cracks and trying to blot out our past.
I found a new partner, a man I thought I knew well, we had worked together for a while before I left my first partner and he knew a little more than, what I call now my script, about what had happened to us. My script was a basic glossing over of the facts, for example: My ex and I didn’t always see eye to eye and it got so as we were more like brother and sister than lovers, so we moved on. It was what I told most people, you see I felt ashamed to have been in that relationship for ten years. I felt ashamed to have not been able to make it work. And for many other reasons I couldn’t or didn’t realise I had to forgive myself.
Anyhow Mr Two, I thought he was the one. There were a few little niggles but I brushed them aside. After a while he moved in with us and things were ok, we didn’t really argue, but he did sulk a bit. on the whole as things were more tolerable than before I usually forgave him his childishness. Slowly things got worse, but I would excuse it. I now know that it was not my fault. He was the one pulling the wool over my eyes. like a puppet-master he knew which strings to pull and just how hard or gentle to be to get the desired effect.
Anyway we decided to get married and start a family together, his ideas but I was convinced that was what i wanted too. I figured that we would have children and grow old together.
However that was not to be and one day out of the blue I found out he had cheated on me since the very beginning of our relationship.
Now by this time I had put my whole life into making this relationship work, after all the first one had been a failure and I had tried really hard to find a NICE guy this time.
It was this NICE guy, whilst we had a row about his infidelity, decided that it was my fault for not loving him enough, he then proceeded to teach me a lesson.
The lesson nearly cost me, and our unborn child, our lives. He walked out of the police station that evening with a caution, and phoned me ten minutes later. JERK!
I limped out of my house, my job, my friendships. I ignored his calls. But do you know what I wouldn’t change it, that man did me a favour.
A year on and I have new friends, some from a support group for fellow survivors, others for college, which I didn’t have the confidence to go to before. I have another beautiful daughter, which makes three in all, big queue for the bathroom round here!
And most of all I have learned that I matter, that I can do this all on my own, but to ask for help is not a sign of failure or weakness. And finally I have been able to forgive. You see I was raised in a house of a controller and under that control I lived. I did not know how to live for just me, not please others and not give a stuff what anyone else thinks. That is not why I was abused, but it goes a long way toward explaining why I put up with it for so long. To abuse is to control others, by emotional or physical force which ever is necessary.
Now I am on the path to taking that control back. I did get angry, I did cry, I got scared, I considered taking him back, but I’m over that now. I still have work to do on my past, but I have the strength and support to finally get there and start living again.
Mine is not a tale of woe, please do not come away from this thinking “will it happen to me again”, for me I’m glad it did because it led me to where I am today. What I wanted to get across is the importance of giving yourself time, that we can sometimes fool ourselves that we are ok, just because we want to be ok, without taking the time to properly heal.
I know that I am not alone, many of the wonderful and inspiring ladies I have met have expressed similar situations and frustrations over wanting to heal, but not really knowing how.
Just take time for yourself, be honest with yourself and remember you are worth it.
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Dear DLovely,
Sorry to take so long to respond, especially after seeing how much pain you are in. It is so difficult when there is a child involved, you can’t just escape. Is there a protective order? I had one for years and he couldn’t come near either one of us. If he is still being abusive to you you may want to consider that. Talk to the courts or hot line in your area for advice on that. It takes a piece of your soul each time that you have to see him.
I don’t want to preach, but get strong as hell, don’t put up with any crap, he hits you, report it, we teach others how to treat us. Let him no, no more. I know you fear him but you are dying a bit each day with how he is treating you. I know it is easier said than done to be strong but you need support, come here, find it in support groups and friends. You are not alone. Let us know how we can support you here. Fight for your right, to be happy. You are fighting for your baby too.
You are in my prayers tonight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I was in a abusive relationship for a year & we now have a baby together…It is so hard for me to heal from all the pain he has caused becaus,be he tries to use our daughter as leverage.I am emotional tired of him,because he still controling & verbally abusive,& when ever he sees a window he becomes phiscally abusive as well. We have been back & forth to court,I have even moved 2 another state, but because we have a child together the courts say we have 2 have contact. I’m lost,upset,& I don’t feel like I’m protecting my daughter,or myself & I’m afraid that this could end badly.I am trying to keep fighting but I don’t know how long I can stay strong,I’m tired of him & his abusive ways…
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Dearest Lauren,
I was doing some other work and saw your post in my in box and was immediately compelled to respond. I am sending you love darling. You just lived through hell and back. I thank God that you were able to get to the bathroom with the phone and your puppy. Thank God you are even alive. It sounds like he wanted to completely break you.
I know that you are worried about the physical appearance but that will eventually heal, the inside is what will take a long, long time to heal. Don’t be ashamed of the wounds, you did not cause them. You are smart though, you are already reaching out and asking for help, that is the best thing for you. We have all been there, sadly some still are, we are a strong group of ladies and men. We are here for you, so vent, talk all you need too, no post is ever considered too long.
Everything that I do here is worthwhile when someone like you posts that this has given them strength and courage to go on. He did this to you, never carry any shame for you did nothing wrong, nor did you deserve this. Treat yourself as if you would a dear friend that has just been through this or a sister, help her heal, pamper here, show her she is loved, talk to her, let her cry, let her be sad, then hug her, clean her tears and remind her of tough young gal that Lauren is.
Do what ever needs to be done to be far away from him, someone that beats you that badly won’t necessarily care about a piece of paper that tells them to stay away. I strongly encourage you, when you are up to it to get one on one counseling. If you do it soon, you will recover much faster. I believe it is what saved my life, getting the pain and anger out.
Let me know what you need and how I can support you here. If you need something I will do my best to find it. I am grateful that you have family to come get you, some don’t. Let them love and care for you, you need it know more than ever before.
Please keep in touch or I will worry about you. You are loved by people who don’t even know you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi, ya’ll, my name is Lauren and on June 28th I endured earth-shattering physical abuse from the hand of my then boyfriend that has literally turned my whole world upside down.
i could really use some the help & guidance from a friend right now…
Ok, gosh, so where should I begin? I have a million ideas rolling through my mind and can’t seem to locate a starting point anywhere… I guess I’ll just talkin’ and see where it all leads to…
It was around 12:30am when I arrived home from a photoshoot that had taken place earlier that evening.
Even though 12:30 seems pretty late, I actually ended the shoot prematurely cause John (my volitale ex who i was naively tring to reconsile things with) was calling me non-stop, and saying the most horrible things to me via text and on the phone on the rare occasion that I did pick up.
I had no clue that he was drunk as hell until I went into our bedroom to change clothes into something to sleep in.
This is where I suppose it “all” began…
While I was opening my dresser drawer, John suddenly woke up and went into this hate-fueled rage in which he called me every nasty name in the book (ex: a phsyco porn star).
It was then only a few seconds before he leapt out of bed and attacked me.
First, he attempted to blind me by spraying bleach in my face.
The next thing I knew is he threw me onto the ground and pinned me down while punching me as hard as he could in my face, back of the head, stomach, arm, rib cage, nose etc.
What made it all even more terrifying was the fact that I was able to somewhat watch him as he attacked me because I was positioned in front of our mirrored closet doors.
After receiving the initial blows, I can’t say for sure whether or not I was or wasn’t knocked out of consciousness; I say this only because my memory from this point onward is often fuzzy at best.
Anyway, the next thing I remember is lookin’ down looking at my hands and seeing a large amount of blood- again I checked in the mirror and saw that he had bloodied my nose on both sides and that they continued to drain even more thick red liquid as the moments thereafter wore on.
I can’t say for sure if this is when I started pleading with him to stop, that he was hurting me, etc; I can say without a doubt that such words were most definitely uttered upon seeing my bloodstained face and saturated hair.
From there, things went from bad to worse. While still laying on the ground, John’s rage continued to escalade and he began kicking me as hard as he could all over my body; basically any vulnerable part he could find.
I remember pleading and begging him to stop, frantically telling him “please, john, you’re hurting me” but the abuse only intensified.
The next thing I remember is hearing him shout loudly “bahh, bahh” while he repeatedly jumped up in the air and stomped down onto me using both his feet.
This went on for Lord only knows how long; all I know is I knew that he was trying to kill me.
At this point, my memory becomes a little foggy… anyway the next thing I remember is that for some reason that is still unbeknownst to me at this time, John took a random break and walked out of the room.
Somehow, I was able to get myself up and grab his cell phone that was sitting ontop of our bed. I guess I found some serious inner strength because I then found myself heading towards the bathroom for safety.
Thank God Ginger (my precious angle/mini yorkie) followed me; I don’t know how I managed to escape- with ginger even!- into the bathroom because I was so out of it… lucky for the two of us, I did.
Once the bathroom door was locked, I dialed 911 and it wasn’t too long before the police arrived.
Basically, to make an already long story somewhat shorter, the cops handcuffed John and put a stabilizing brace around my neck.
Four officers- on to my right, left and in front and behind- lead me out of our apartment and lifted me up onto a stretcher.
After I was tightly taped down, the ambulance sped to Herman Memorial Hospital where I was then admitted immediately into the emergency room.
I remained in the ER for the next 5 ½ hours both under observation and so x-rays of my head, chest, jaw, ribs, etc could be taken.
Thankfully, nothing was broken.
But once it came time for me to be discharged (easily around 6am if not later) I came to the sad realization that there was no one for me to call to come pick me up from the ER and take me home.
I guess the people at the hospital felt sorry for me cause they gave me a preloaded bus pass and showed me where I could catch the next one that would be goin’ towards my “home.”
And as if all that wasn’t depressing enough, the bus could only take me so far and while I was walkin’ the rest of the mile or so home I fell down and scraped my knee open.
So, aside from a black eye, a fractured nose, lumps on my head, and bruising on my ribs, I finally made it back “home”.
I believe a day and a half went by before I was able to muster up the courage to call and tell my parents about what had happened.
Thankfully [again] they insisted upon driving up and bringing me back to their house (in a different town).
From what I understand, John remained in jail until he was bailed out a few days later on either wednesday or thursday evening.
The police initiated an Emergency protective order and so he is not allowed within 200 yards of me or our apartment. If he fails to oblige this court mandate, he could face up to a year in jail.
I’ve never been very good at asking for “help” with my problems, etc but this is one thing that I was absolutely unprepared for.
What makes matters worse is that although I’m so glad to be staying with my family far away from that toxic environment, my face is all jacked up lookin’ and so I haven’t really attempted to reach out in person to my friends where I am living now.
I suppose I’m doing alright- of course, some days are better than others- but it would mean the world to me if anyone has any words of wisdom that could help during this incredibly difficult process of recovery.
The numerous posts and thoughtful responses that I’ve read on this website have given me the strength and courage to “go pubic” with my own struggle with hopes that I too might find solace & support.
Thanks for takin’ the time to read all this- ’cause I know it’s a LOT- and my thoughts and prayers are with all whom have experienced abuse within their own life.
Be sweet,
Lauren
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Dear Joyce,
I am sending you love lady. I know exactly where you are. My son was 4, I felt the guilt of being the sole support too, how could I leave this grown man with no support and no home to live in, throw in literally on the streets, then I remember, oh yeah, the same man that threw butcher knives over my head just hours before when he was trying to kill me, oh yeah the man that held an axe to my head while our young boy watched. That made it easier to keep the focus on the bad he had done, he caused this. You must focus on you, what he is going through now is not your problem, he created it, he is an adult and makes his own choices. You are the adult and must make yours. I beg you not to let him back. I let mine back too many times, even though my son was 4 1/2 last time he had seen his dad at 20 he still suffers with PTSD. Leave now while there is a chance to spare you son from seeing you killed in front of his eyes. Make every choice from this moment on with your son’s best interest, not his father’s. Please press the charges and stay as far away from him as you can. Find a good support group. Mostly, stop feeling stupid. You are not stupid, stupid is knowing what you know now and going back, that is stupid. We have all been there.
You know this will only get worse, we can promise you that. Focus solely on you and that beautiful boy. I wish so bad that I could take back what my son went through, the aftermath was so bad for him. He will have guilt that he loves a mean man, then guilt that he hates his own father. Get in to counseling for both of you, that is my best advice, you will learn how to heal which will in turn help him to know you are there for him.
I and the others here are here to support you, let us know what you need from us or jut vent. Remember, your past does not equal the future. Remember who you dreamed of being one day and be here. Be strong, heal, self nurture and learn to be happy without this man. Don’t feel you must heal overnight, it took one day at a time to beat you down and healing works just the same. I was the last one that I was able to forgive, focus on baby steps each day. You will get there, I feel it.
You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi I am fresh from my abusive relationship. Literally I was abused most recently three days ago. This time it was in front of my son who is 3. And the abuser is his father who I have been with the last five years and just recently got engaged to. I am having a really difficult time dealing I am in the process of pressing charges and hopefully moving on, but I still feel bad like I’m ruining his life because I was the main support system he had. This is not the first time and I have taken him back several times after the abuse. I feel like I let me son down by staying with him and allowing my son to become a witness to it. I just feel so stupid because everyone told me he would do it again and I still took him back. I just need help to get past these couple of days from those who have experienced the same.
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Michelle,
Sadly, we use that word normal as nothing about what we have dealt with really is ever normal, but yes normal that you feel the say you do. Allow yourself to go through the sadness, anger and pain so that you can come out better on the other side. Hiding the feelings will attract more in your life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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so what im feeling is normal then. agressive angry outbursts mostly directeed at myself for not doing anything as she moves on to now what i see continue her next pattern. ten years all but the first few months i now see was psychologically abusive, quick to follow was the verbal and it took her five years almost to get to the kicking the crap out of me.
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Dear Karen,
I thank you for sharing so much. I have told others it has taken ten years for my nightmares to stop. What I went through is what brought me to my passion today of supporting others in the aftermath of abuse. You already know you will have good days and bad days. We get though this one day at a time.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Nicole,
Forgive me for waiting months to respond, my life was so crazy, in a good way. It broke my hear to read your post. I am happy that you did what you did, many women would have stayed and let it happen another day, you are one of the strong ones, you called the police, you said hello no, ain’t gonna happen again. There was no way that you knew he was going to do what he did. You are no way at fault. I hope that you are doing better now, I know it will stay with you for a long time. I am very proud that you stood up for yourself.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dearest Danielle,
I am sorry so long to respond, especially to such good news. You inspire us all. I was so happy to read your post, it is all you baby, you did this and you are the bomb. Please keep in touch. I am trying to post more often and will respond as soon as I can. Do you have any idea how much you changed the life for your baby? Kuddos to Danielle everyone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Women,
After 8 years of healing from my abuser, after all the therapy and hard work I have done, the loss of dear friends, years of dirty looks from people who don’t even know me, and staying strong through it all for me and my son, enduring it all to make our life better and succeeding in making a prosperous and peaceful life, I find myself at square one again – feeling almost as beaten down as I did two weeks after I left him (the first two weeks I was energized by adrenaline.)
Here is the difference: I know this too shall pass. Healing doesn’t happen on a steady incline. Often in the past years, when I started feeling “A ha!! I have FINALLY got it together; I cannot be hurt again!!” something would happen to bring me to my knees. I’d hear a comment from someone in town, I’d swear I saw him cross the street (although he lives overseas now) or I’d read a story eerily akin to mine . . . whatever. I got triggered. But eventually I got triggered less often, and the trauma reaction would last shorter and shorter.
Now, I don’t want that to sound discouraging, but rather to be ENcouraging. Tonight, when I got triggered something awful (yes, after feeling for months that it couldn’t happen to me again) I had an idea that maybe I had not fully forgiven myself. I will not go into the details of the events of this evening, but to say that Rebecca’s word ring true. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself as many times as needed because YOU ARE WORTH IT. And by the way, you are also worth every smidge of the sadness and horror you feel about what happened to you. You can get on your feet, and the work is worth it. It won’t ever disappear, but it is a worthy fight.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes would call what we’ve got “battle scars.” I am proudly wearing mine! Love you all, Karen
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hi!!!!
im am back to tell you the good news!!! well i left my previous boyfriend that was abusive, i reside in new york city, my daughter is now 7 months,, i work, go to school for nursing and also i am about to get my own apartment soon just wanted to tell you that i got tired of the hurt and pain and left the relationship to better my life for me and my daughter, i want to thank YOU alot cause to me you was apart of my healing process, thanks alot and i will keep you in touch about me……
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Wow, nice to hear a man in recovery sharing. The hardest thing I was able to do was to forgive. It is easy to say but so hard to do. With that said, you are right, forgiving really does set you free. I forgave my husband long before I forgave myself, I am sure you understand that. How did I allow a man to do this and allow my son to be traumatized from my life? After time when I knew I had become a woman that would never allow a man to hurt me in anyway I was able to forgive myself. I was weak and had no backbone.
Your posts shows that one time can be more than enough to lose everything.
I encourage you to write again, others need to hear the other side. I know there are many abusers out there that can change, we just rarely hear that healing process.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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You are incredible to be able to share after all you have been through. I thank you for sharing such pain. Everyone that has suffered abuse suffers with PTSD, I had never heard the term until I was diagnosed too. I didn’t think counseling would help but when my son ws diagnosed (your children have it too for sure) I decided learning how to help myself would benefit his recovery. At first I was so afraid to share, all those years of hiding how you live and suddenly you are supposed to talk about the pain, fear and isolation. I expected my husband to barge in the door and kill me during a session. I tried to explain this and felt badly when I told of how he ran in at night and woke me by jabbing a knife at me for an hour, the counselor held back tears, that is when I knew things were worse than I imagined. Amazing how much we minimize just to survive. I often said that I never had the luxury to standing back and seeing how bad things were because I was trying to live to the next hour or day. Sometimes just trying to get through the night.
I always encourage men and women to stay away from intimate relationships for a minimum of a year, I waited ten, a bit too long. You need to realize how many years you suffered you need just as many years to recover. I hope that you can stay alone until that right person comes into your life. If I had not taken the time to recover I would have attracted another abusive drunk. I never would have met the most wonderful man I have in my life now.
I hope that you will visit again and share your growth, this will help you and many others that are afraid of the solitude after. Being alone with be very hard so find things that you love to do, actually dream again. You are right, life has many possibilities.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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It is a love hate relationship. I remember wanting my abusive husband back after he tried to stab me, go figure. Honesetly you are so used to having him around, good or bad you almost miss what you are used to. If the abuser wants to change they can. It takes many things to stop, learning how to blow off steam without hurting anyone, learning how to open up about what is bothering them and more. I sincerely wish you all the best no matter what you decide to do, but as much as you want him to learn to not abuse you must learn what you will live with and what you won’t. If you decide to stay and take the abuse you are showing him how to treat you. Your boys will eventually either become very passive or become abusive, most likely to you too. I beg you to focus on what you really want, even if you stay find ways to make yourself stronger, do not tolerate him abusing you verbally or physically.
Please right again, be well and be safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Yesterday, my boyfriend hit me for the 4th time in 2 weeks. We have been together for about 4 months and I have recently moved into his Grandpas house to care for him. My boyfriend lives here when he is not traveling for work. He has been off of work the entire time we have been dating.
We were going down the interstate coming back from a weekend in Chicago and he backhanded me twice. He chipped my teeth, blacked my eye, and apologized.
We stopped at a rest area for me to gather my self and he said he was so sorry. The lady at the restarea that worked there called the police and they came. He went to jail and his new vette was towed.
The police took me to a gas station and I called my family. It seemed as if NOONE would come to get me even when they KNEW something wasnt right in the relationship before this call.
I do not drive. I am in college online full time to get a psychology degree. I pretty much just live on student loans.
I keep going back and forth in my mind…WHY?????
My ex husband finally picked me up late last night and we made the journey back to his house (the farm I live at for 10yrs) and he brought me to my sisters about 30 miles away. She then told me it would not be practical to stay with her and her family they have enough on their plate. She brought me back to my boyfriend’s grandpas. Grandpa KNOWS he needs help and I was just googling anger management.
Yesterday I found out he has had 4 priors with his ex wife. Their ENTIRE relationship together lasted 9 months.
My boyfriend is a nucleur engineer and a very brilliant man, but this part of him is….???? I don’t know!
I am afraid to go away and really I do not have anywhere to go and a shelter is out of the question with my schooling and seeing my boys every friday, saturday, and sunday.
I do not feel like crying. I feel like FIXING this. Grandpa needs me here. He is an amputee and in his 80’s. I feel as if I want my boyfriend HOME>?
He is excellent to me and my boys when they are here. I wanted this so much to work out, but I do not know if this can be unlearned..his behaviors to me when he just snaps. He doesn’t yell or raise his voice. He just has these mean impulses and then resets in about 10min-an hour and is back to normal. I am sitting here waiting on the states attorneys office to notify me when he is finished in court (5 hours away near chicago) and I am thinking to myself…what is wrong with me?..why do I want him out and home?
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My name is Terri and I was married for 16 years. I so wanted to keep the family together and I tried everything possible but the abuse escalated from verbal and emotional to physical. He tried to burn me with cigarettes on my fact while in a car with two kids in the backseat. He strangled me and left marks on my neck but what utlimately cause me to file for divorce was when he held a knife to my throat and told me he would love to slit my throat. I journaled most of the abuse and would close the book and forget about it. I took the kids to counseling and I went to but I could not bring myself to talk about it. After 10 years raising the kids alone and the stress of work, bills, and dealing with a very difficult son, I started having flashbacks and anxiety attacks. My son was a teenager who lost a girlfriend and was acting out. He was almost killed in car accident and I also had dreams of him dying in a car accident that haunted me nightly. It got so bad that I didn’t want to sleep because either I was died or my son died. The only place I got relief was at work or when my boyfriend was able to stay over. Otherwise, I was a total train wreck inside but appeared fine on the outside. I had a long term relationship (7years) and drove him away because I was expecting him to save me. I lashed out at him and felt I deserved to be left alone….I was ugly, damaged and a bunch of other terrible things. I really didn’t want him to leave but he did anyway. It was the best thing, really, because I depended on my ex-husband and now I was depending on my boyfriend. After my boyfriend and I broke up I went into counseling and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress. I have been in therapy for two years now and on anti-anxiety meds to sleep. I have rebuilt myself up and my relationships with my children and family sustained me. Unfortunately, I tried to apologize to my ex-boyfriend but he would not reply and has moved on to another girlfriend. I feel so lucky to be alive and life is good again! I wish I had go into counseling from the get go and dealt with those demons. I might still be with my ex-boyfriend but at the time I was too damaged. But, it was not meant to be and life has possibilities that might be even better!!!
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Just remember this;
When you won’t forgive neither will your children.
How will they turn out as human beings after a couple of years of hate, rage, bitterness and revenge ?
Take it from a dad that offended one time……when you don’t forgive ….EVERYONE is destroyed over the long haul.
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I am so glad I stumbled upon this website. I’ve been going through a rough time for about the past month. I was only dating this guy for 3 months– like most relationships it started out good and we soon started spending all of our time together. He helped me completely move into my new apartment and unofficially lived with me because he was here everyday and every night. One day about a month ago we went to a pool party together and he started drinking around 2pm that day and he didn’t stop until around 8pm when we went home. I knew he was completely wasted so I drove him back to my apartment where I was just going to change clothes so we could go to another person’s place to hang out. That’s when the craziness started… he got me in my bedroom and took my belt off. Then he took my pants off. I thought he was trying to be sexual but it was soon obvious this wasn’t it– he started whipping me with my belt over and over. It hurt SO bad and I was yelling at him to stop it because it hurt and he would just laugh saying “You like it” but it was very clear that I was in pain and very angry. I would try to get up and run away from him but he would only chase me and whip me some more. Eventually I got the belt away from him and he told me to pack up all of his stuff and to take him home. When I said I wouldn’t he got very angry and forced me to my bed and sat on top of me and pinned my arms down so I couldn’t move. He grabbed a pair of my sweatpants and wrapped it around my nose and my mouth so I couldn’t breathe– I was struggling to get out of it and he let go and then put his hands around my neck acting like he was going to choke me… thank God he didn’t but if he wanted to he definitely had me in a vulnerable position. I was so scared and when I looked in his eyes, this was NOT the guy I knew. It was like he was possessed and it was scary. SO many things happened this night that I forgot a lot of it because it was so traumatic for me. But at one point he laid on my bed and i went in my bathroom to text my roommate “help” and he yelled “WHO ARE YOU TEXTING?!” and i told him my roommate and he replied “Don’t ever text anyone while I’m here” and ordered me to come in the bedroom. I said “no” and he threatened that if I didnt come by the count of 5 he would come and get me and that it would be bad if he had to do that. So fearing he would do something I came in and he told me to lay down next to him… so I did and he started cuddling me like we were going to sleep. I knew because he was so drunk that he would pass out so I just laid there until he did and I got up and went in the other room and called my sister crying. She told me to call the police because it would get worse but I told her that he just needed to sleep this off and in the morning when he woke up I would tell him to leave. Well about 3 hours later he woke up and came in the room where i was and said “WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?” and i just told him i couldn’t sleep. He went back in my room and started pounding on my wall and throwing things around my room against my window. I got so mad that I came in there and asked him why he was throwing things and he replied “BE QUIET OR I’M GOING TO THROW YOU!” I was so scared at this point that i ran to my roommate’s room (she wasn’t home) and locked the door and called the police. I could hear him still throwing things and I was so scared he was going to bust my door open and try to hurt me again. I was shaking like a leaf, I’ve never been so scared. I was so relieved when the police took him. I showed them my bruises and they left. His best friend called me the next day and told me he was previously on probation and that he would be in jail for a long time because of that– and told me to go to the police station and act like it was no big deal and try to get him out. Are you serious??? Who is he to tell me to downplay what happened? I was so weak though at this point that I did… but I found out there was nothing I could do.. thankfully. I couldn’t see clearly and was blaming myself for him being in jail and feeling terrible. I’ve gone through so much this past month and have cried more than ever. But now I am slowly realizing that he deserves what is happening to him right now and I had every right to call the police. I was scared for my life– I don’t care that he was drunk and maybe that’s what “made” him do this.. it doesn’t matter. I still struggle with this everyday and still cry sometimes but I feel so much stronger because of this. It’s good to vent and get this out… I think that’s the only way to heal. It’s good to talk to people who support me, if anyone wants to talk please email me or reply back on here.
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Dear Ashely,
I have to said, I read many posts but yours is one of the really heartbreaking ones. I thank God that your parents are there for you. Such a horriffic thing to go thorough for such a young girl. The good news is your arms and physical scars will heal. Don’t forget to get the emotional wounds taken care of too. For what you have written hear I would strongly suggest that you write. Whether you start on online journal here like I did or you simply write in a book at your bedside the writing will help you to heal. My biggest hope for you is that you grow so damn strong from this that you never allow any type of physical or verbral and mental abuse anywhere near you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect so demand it in yourself first and others will follow.
You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight and I sincerely wish you all the happiness that you deserve.
Be strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Brooke,
Such few words but so very very sad. We are conditioned to always think it is us. If we can just be perfect and read their thoughts all would be well. I pray that you are able to just breath and sit back a bit to what you have been though. It took time to feel the way you do and it will take time to get your life back. You don’t need to be fixed, you need to be healed.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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This is not my real name. After 11 years, I’m just beginning to see all the damage that was done. Retraining my brain to see myself as a decent human being again is difficult. Religion doesn’t work. Trying to get help didn’t work. I tried to fix myserlf so many times. It took a shrink and a phcologist and a therapist to finally agree it wasn’t me.
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My name is Ashley. I am 21 years old. I am a healing survivor of a year and half abusive relationship. And I feel I need to talk to someone. My ex boyfriend abused me mentally, physically, and emotionally for a year and half. We started dating and everything seemed so perfect. Too perfect. a few months after we started dating I started noticing small changes in his attitude and the way he treated me. He started telling me that my shirts were too tight and too low cut , to pull this up or pull this down, that my skirts were to short. I dont remember the first time he hit me. All I knew is that I was completely shocked and I didnt want to do whatever I did ‘wrong’ again. And thats were it started. A few months into the abuse I had become ‘trained’. I wasnt allowed to leave my house by myself. And everywhere we went I was perfect. My hair was perfect. My makeup was perfect. my clothes were perfect. No low cut shirts or shorts or skirts or even tank tops. I always wore jeans and long sleeves. My worst fear was going home. Because I knew what was coming. ‘That guy looked at you, you looked at him back.’ ‘Who are you texting’ ‘Who are you talking to’. Hit. Hit. Hit. Nights were the worst. He would just start yelling at me for something stupid like forgetting something and then if I yelled back or tried to defend myself I was headbutted and silenced. He would step on my throat to get me to be quiet. I was kicked in the back and stomach with steele toe boots. Punched in the face. Thrown into walls. He rolled my neck up in a car window. And blamed it on me. Told me my foot was on tha button. There were some days when he would be choking me….that I would pray to God. I would pray so hard. Asked him to keep me breathing. Then when my beating was over….he would apologize….tell me he loved me….that it would never happen again….Those words were poison. Then. The worst day of my life came on April 2nd 2008. 6 days before my 20th birthday. He had gotten a very sexual text message from a girl that I had suspected he had some sort of feelings for. So I confronted him about it. Asked him what it was all about. Then he started yelling at me and got really close to my face I pushed away from him so I could leave. Then he pushed me on the ground face down, sat on top of me, grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back. All I heard was a crack. At first I felt nothing…Then the pain shot through me like a bullet. I just started screaming I didnt know what happened. I looked back and couldnt see my arm and I thought it was gone. He started yelling “Its broken its broken” It was completely disfigured and stuck behind my back. I couldnt move it. I was screaming and he picked me up and carried me to the car. Put my seat belt on for me like the “good boyfriend” he was. And started racing to the emergency room. He called my parents…and told them I fell of the bed. I was so scared. I didnt know what to do. We got to the emergency room and the doctor had to twist my arm back into place. That was the most painful thing I have ever been through. My parents walked in and heard me screaming. My dad asked me what happened I told him I fell off the bed. And he said “No! Tell me what really happened.” and I told him. He went outside and started yelling and screaming at Jake. Told him to leave and never come back. The Xrays were taken and I found that my humorus had been broken in 6 places. It is the second hardest bone in the body to break. I filed charges a few weeks later. I havent gone to court yet. But I have a restraining order so he cant come near me. I had to live with my parents for a really long time. I couldnt bathe myself. dress myself. Be myself. But now. The cast is off. my arm is completely healed. And Im going to court this year. I will get justice. I havent totally found peace. Because he still finds ways to ruin my life. Hes taken alot of my old friends and turned them against me and sometimes things get really hard. But I am healing. And it will take time. If anyone would like to talk to me. Please feel free.
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Dear viewers,
I am a 43 year old woman, and I left an abusive relationship 9 months ago. I was in it for 14 years. He drank allot, and there was allot of physical, and verbal ubuse. It was torturing. I went back to him after he went to treatment twice. The physical abuse stopped, but the verbal got worse and if I would have stayed I have no doubt that he would have beaten me without being drunk. It has been difficult financially, and it seems like other people can really try to take advantage of you when they figure out that you are alone.I guess they think I am week. This is frustrating learning to defend myself for the first time, but I would rather be hungry sometimes, and sometimes lonely;than to be in fear of another drunken rampage or to be controlled & put down to the point of wanting to end my life. I know that whatever feelings I am feeling will pass, and there will be a tommorrow that does not involve hell on this earth. So whatever any of you are going through, remember that sometimes our emotions are from the brainwash we were fed before, and sometimes we just have to tell ourselves, “this shall pass too”, because when tommorrow comes you will feel so much more strength, or the next day. Just remember that “child within”, and ask yourself, “doesnt she deserve better”?
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I am slowly recovering from domestic violence like many of you. I continue to have so many emotional problems. I can’t sleep well. I have awful, disturbing dreams. I still feel scared. I have problems at work, just don’t work as fast as I used to, can’t concentrate, showing up to work late. (I never used to do this!)Just when I think I might be able to start forgiving her, some new repercussion comes up and I’m angry all over again.
I decided to leave her this past summer after realizing how much she was draining me, controlling me, isolating me, taking advantage of me.
I, too, am gay. It has been incredibly difficult to deal with all of this! When I told her that I was going to leave her, she immediately threw herself into a self-pity party which then evolved into days of drinking.
At first, I didn’t realize how dangerous this was. I was still living in the same house, although in a different bedroom, while I was looking for a new place to live. Each day I was packing my belongings. One nignt, when the drinking and yelling and throwing things became too frightening for me, I decided not to come home after work. She then, started threatening suicide. In the next couple of days, my family decided to help me finish packing up. She came home while my daughter was there with me, became angry and started yelling at me. She started hitting me. My daughter distracted her so that I could run and she then began hitting my daughter!
After that episode, we decided that it was too dangerous to drag this out any further. We hired movers and while she was at work the next day, we moved the rest of my belongings out. You guessed it……she came home while we were finishing up. She was enraged!!! She used her car to try to kill my daughter and me by plowing it in to us while we were sitting in my vehicle in the driveway. She hit us head-on at 35 mph.
I was taken to hospital and have a spinal disc and nerve injury from hitting my head on the windshield and dashboard. It remains to be seen if I will need surgery or if injections may help.
My family has been wonderful to me. This would have been so much harder without them. I am physically safe, I know in my mind,but I can’t get over being afraid. I had to get a DV protective order. We also had to endure a trial so that she could be convicted.
The judicial system ended up “re-victimizing” me. There was something very suspicious going on in that county. She worked for that county’s EMS and throughout all of this, the system favored her, the criminal. Evidence would mysterioulsy “get lost”; the ADA would tell me one thing on one day and then completely deny it the next, sometimes not even trying to hide the fact that she felt sorry for the criminal. In the end, they had to allow her to plea-bargain because of the “lost” evidence.
And now the icing on the cake……she was sentenced to 5 years of probation-We all heard the judge say this in court! The clerk recorded it as 2 years!!!
and it’s impossible for me to get an appointment with the judge.
As you might see, I do still have a hard time with the anger and frustration. I’m finding it very hard to move on emotionally. If I allow myself to talk about it with my daughters, I easily begin to cry. I don’t know how to move on.
Can someone help with this?
Elli
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Dear Nicole,
First, you are dead on, he is NOT going to change from what you are saying. The best advice I can honestly give you is to get support now. Search online for a local support group, call the DMV Hotline for support. The guilt and urge to go back will be very strong, I did it many times and within hours fully regretted it. It is only in a moment of guilt or weakness that you will want to go back. If you can get into therapy one on one now. Once you let out some of how you feel you will grow stronger. Remember, now your self esteem and picture of what is normal is very distorted. He knows that you are easy pray and that you don’t want something bad to happen to him. But remember, he isn’t feeling the same way.
The best thing that you can do is stand your ground which is easier said than done. You can’t do it alone, you must have support from other battered women/men. Realize that not all men are abusers. Most are very gentle. The only thing that matters today, this moment is that you DO NOT return to him. if you have your own place, don’t answser the door to him, ever. Not until he knows you mean it. Stick with the restraining order or the police will eventually fail to help you. I did the same thing, they arrested him for trying to kill me and I went back, then called when he tried again? They really see what happens and more than family don’t understand why we return. My best answer is habit and low, low self esteem.
If you can, move further away, start fresh. Don’t move in with your father if you can avoid it. You need to be around people who fully support you. Blog here anytime, plus there are hundreds of supportive blogs and sites on here. We understand what has happened and you never have to justify one action to a battered woman, we get it totally!
You must begin a new life, seek new supportive friends, be in a safe place. Once you are alone for a bit and see that wow, I really am worth something you will never think of allowing someone like that in your life again. You will go through some really rough stages of mouring what was and should have been but you will come out on the winning side. The fact that you have left is a great beginning for you and your child.
Show your child how strong mommy really is and allow her to have the life of her dreams too.
Love you lots and write soon so we all know how you are doing. We all pray for your success and will bring you strength when you need it most. Remember, you are not as alone as you think. Pray, find peace.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello sisters,
I am in the process of severing ties with my abuser – or trying to. The relationship has only been 6 months but I feel like I am manipulated already by everything he says. After all he’s done I can’t believe that I still have feelings for him, but I do. He uses every excuse to bully me; accusing me of cheating, scheming, disrespecting him and even abusing my own daughter! When this all fails he takes a drink and blames it on that. He has threatened me with a knife and kept my daughter and I hostage in his own flat for a day and night. This was the last time I saw him (a week before Christmas) as I had to call the police to escape. As he already had bail conditions not to see me, they ticked me off big time for going to see him. The police told me that next time they wouldn’t come and save me, so I would end up dead or hospitalised. That shocked me as I still oscillate between feeling all is lost and that maybe he can change. The more I read about the experiences of others, the more realisation dawns that he’s really not going to change, is he?
He won’t stop calling me or coming to my door, but everytime I call the police I feel guilty! How is that so? I’m visiting my parents 400 miles away but I go home in a few days (at least I have my own place and I’m not married and my child is not his). I am scared to go home but I have to appear in court to testify against him. My parents are not being supportive at all – they have cut off all support unless I move back in with them! I’m 34 and have been living independently for over 16 years so I’m reluctant to do this. Besides my father is a bit of an emotional bully and cruelly strict- if you don’t do what he wants you to then he refuses to talk to you until you do. So why would I move from one abuser to another?
I have no support where my home is as my ex systematically destroyed what little I had and now my family have cut me off. All your comments ladies have given me strength that I can do this. I can make my life work after this. Why not? Sod the lot of them. I have faith in myself even if they don’t have faith in me.
Thank you all so much.
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Dear Lady,
Thank you for sharing so much. I loved the last part you wrote and would like to use it in my upcoming book, posting here gives me permisson to use this in book, so let me know if that is an issue:
My advice? TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS- animals have them. They are there for a reason. Take some time even in the bathroom to write your fears down. Make a plan. Save yourself. You cannot save somone else who doesn’t want to be saved. But you can save you. Only you can help you. Please do it. It will be hard and sad but there will be happy times and truly feeling safe is something I will never take for granted again. And when you are scared I will be holding your hand the whole time. Just like everyone else. Just ask. Promise. You are worth it. If I can do it you can. I was terrified of ending it and being single. It’s as simple as this though. In the end it life is so much less terrifying without that greedy, selfish, callous, violent, malicious, vindictive excuse for a human being living with me, controlling me, witholding love and sex, spending my money, wasting my life and ruining my every second.
She gave me the crumbs. Now I intend to have my cake and eat it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Danielle,
You have to tell me if it is safe to email directly. I will post here. If you are afraid of him abusing you it is real. A real man never spits on a woman for any, any reason. You already know this. Don’t make the biggest mistake I ever made and stay because you are pregnant. Brining a baby into this will only make it worse and harder to leave. Call a local abuse hotline if you fear for your safety. Just because you smoked a cigarette was no reason for how he treated you. Would you ever imagine spitting on anyone, let alone someone you say you love. Stand up for yourself, let him know you won’t tolerate treatment like this. If you fear his anger by doing so that that is the sign to leave. WE SHOW OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US BY WHAT WE ALLOW TO CONTINUE. Don’t allow this to continue. For YOUR sake and for you BABIES sake.
Seek support, a church, hotline, here or anyone that will listen. You are so loved by others who have never met you. You are a person and must do nothing else to deserve being treated with respect.
My biggest advice for you would be to leave if you feel that is what is right and focus only on you and that baby. Don’t feel you have to have a man to be whole. Heal yourself inside first, then you will attract the man that deserves you. You are still suffering from some of the past abuse with the men you will attract.
Write again soon, I want the world for you and that baby.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi i am a victim of abuse from my last boyfriend of three years, i just left him a few months ago and i started to heal myself, i am only 20 but the impact of the three years of abuse effected me so much that i now i have a new relationship, not that long ago me and my new boyfriend just found out that i was nine months pregnent, after that on my birthday last month he ask me for my hand in marriage, i accept it and we just moved in our new home, after the first night of moving in, i felt really good but for some reason i was stress, being three months pregnant and working at a fast food resturant is crazy, before i found out i was pregnant i was a chain smoker ever since i was thirteen, well that night after moving in our new home he found out that i was smoking a ciggarette outside, when i told him that i didnt want to talk about it we got into a fight, he lock me inside of the room he didnt want to let me out of the room cause i didnt want to tell about why i was smoking and i am pregnant, when i tryed to explain to him that night he spitted on me, and that momemt remind me of the three years when i use to get repeatdly spat and hit on for no apoint reason, now it has been a week after the fuss and he is sad because lack of love, but i am scared and he dont understand my last abusive relationship mad me sick now ever time i look at him i remember when he spat on me please tell me what i should do, i have no one to talk to , PLEASE GIVE ME MAIL BACK ASAP
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I ended it 4 months ago. 4 months 3 days. It was hard getting her out (I am gay) and I have still had hassle since from her but it is lessening. My advice is however much you love, it’s not enough and never will be. It will happen again. Just because you love them it doesn’t mean they love you. Love is NOT hurting, humiliating, threatening. It just isn’t.
It will get worse and even though you think you are coping with it it catches up in the end. In my job I run a 6 million pound budget. When she had gone I couldn’t even choose new bar stools- there were only 2 styles to choose from. I had forgotten how to cook so many things I like. My friends were used to me not coming out. I thought I wouldn’t cope – ‘useless cripple’ ‘stupid b****’ she said. I have. It is actually so much easier to cope I have more energy and just less to do and worry about.
Her control stopped me from listening to my instincts but one day I smelt death or at least severe injury. Honestly I knew I was within months of police/inquests/funerals. Maybe mine maybe hers- she was so reckless she often risked crashing the car and once fell down the stairs running down them to hit me. I am a mum. I knew then however much I didn’t want to live my life without her that I wanted to live. I saved myself and chose life whatever it has in store for me. Oh and for the record the Police were just faultless. They know the deal and they will be on your side.
Most people are good. People will help. You just have to ask. My admin- (a man) cried when I said it was over- he had been so so worried. Him pointing out I couldn’t stay with someone because the wardrobes weren’t finished and maybe he could finish them for me was one I found hard to argue with. Suffice to say they got done. By him. My friends who had borne the burden were only too happy to go in the loft her me get her stuff out do whatever to help me. I have had more love from people in the last 4 than I ever had from her. That has gone some way to restoring my faith in the human spirit.
Ending it isn’t a bed of roses but you know what? Sitting in the house on my own in silence is better than the terror and humiliation I had from her. And it turns out I am not the useless, fat ugly b/+@/ she said I am. 5 yes 5 people wanted to go out with me pretty much straight away! And I am going out with one of them. I am taking it very easy but so far she has been lovely and makes me feel beautiful.
My advice? TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS- animals have them. They are there for a reason. Take some time even in the bathroom to write your fears down. Make a plan. Save yourself. You cannot save somone else who doesn’t want to be saved. But you can save you. Only you can help you. Please do it. It will be hard and sad but there will be happy times and truly feeling safe is something I will never take for granted again. And when you are scared I will be holding your hand the whole time. Just like everyone else. Just ask. Promise. You are worth it. If I can do it you can. I was terrified of ending it and being single. It’s as simple as this though. In the end it life is so much less terrifying without that greedy, selfish, callous, violent, malicious, vindictive excuse for a human being living with me, controlling me, witholding love and sex, spending my money, wasting my life and ruining my every second.
She gave me the crumbs. Now I intend to have my cake and eat it.
Lady xxxxx
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Dear Allie,
I was so inspired I turned your last post into a blog post, hoping it will be read more often. You can find it here https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2008/02/08/post-from-allie-one-of-our-young-angels-inspiringstrong/
You really are an inspiration to me and others and I hope to hear more from you. If you decide to write more on this topic and your life just write under comments under the new post. It will be dedicated to you and your daughter. Other will comment beneath your story.
Thanks for sharing so much.
Love you lots,
Rebecca
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I am writing this for anyone who thinks there is not hope. ( There is ) I am 17 and my stepfather molested me, beat me, screamed at me, and so much more, from the time I was 2 until I was 13. As a result of this abuse I had became pregnant. Me and my six siblings were put into foster care when my school found out I was pregnant. At this point my siblings did not understand what was going on and blamed me for everything ( after all I did ruin the family in there eyes). Even though the abuse was over I still had some tough decisions to make I had to choose if I was going to put my baby up for adoption or keep it. If I kept the baby I had to stay in foster care until I turned 18 or until a family member would take me, however none of my family would allow me to stay with them with a baby. For most people that kind of decision may have been easy to make give the baby up to a family that wants a child. Well I could not do that ( I had already raised my brothers and sisters how hard can it be) it is extremely difficult. I ended up having a little girl three months before my 14 birthday. I named her Abigayle. She is what has kept me going in life. I dont have time to be depressed or down I have a little girl that needs me. Abigayle has given me the strength to go on in my life and yes forgive. I have been able to turn such an evil thing into something wonderful. I want you all to know that I am graduating high school, I am going to college in the summer, working a full time job, and I still spend time with my daughter.I dont know how I do it all but I do it because I have to. I did not make the choice to get pregnant but I decided what I was going to do about it. I want everybody to know that there is help out there, and there are people willing to help, you just have to have the strength to ask, you have to know that nothing that has happened to you is your frault no matter how many people tell you it is. it is wrong. I f your like me and your family has all walked out on you create your own. I have had to create my family out of my friends and they are forever. Hang in there everyone.
Allie
P.S.
If you ever need help and it seems like there is nobody to turn to a great resource is the crisis intervention hotline. They can be located in every phone book. Best wishes and Good luck.
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I did email Faith directly but wanted to post the note here so that it may help anyone else struggling as she is. If you can offer Faith support on her struggles please do so here. Thank you.
Dear Faith,
Big Hug for you darling, I am so sorry you are in such pain.
I normally don’t email unless given permission that you are safe, but since you stated you are finishing a divorce I am hoping that it is okay to email you directly. Plus your email was so desperate I wanted to get to you now.
First, I just have to say you should be so proud you found the strength to leave at all, many don’t.You already stated most of the reasons you are so angry and they all come down to you. You let this man in your life, you stayed with him and had kids, you blah, blah, blah. When you close your eyes at night it is the woman laying alone in the dark with you that you hate the most. It is normal to have such regret and guilt. The guilt and hatred at myself was the last thing to go. I hung onto that the longest. Even forgave him before I forgave me.
This is just my take on things, but as far as your family goes, the hell with them. If they can’t support you now when you most need it most, don’t waste your much needed strength on trying to convince them of a thing. You don’t owe anyone, anything. Find support with me, your therapy, message boards on here and off line groups. Your friends are the ones that will be there for you. I suffered alone for so long that opening up was really hard for me. I had met two supportive gals
that insisted I talk and boy did I. I was the one that had minimized so much of what happened that when I would see there shocked faces at things I said I really realized how bad things were. I even made my therapist cry a few times. That was when I realized I was burying so much pain. You have hidden so much for so long that being allowed to talk will seem odd at first, then weight lifting.
The best way to move on (I never say get over it) is to write in a journal, read books that will help you heal, stay in the therapy and only concern yourself with the health and healing of those that matter, You and your daughter.You have been through hell and back and I promise if you worry about everyone else you will never heal. I am sure that you have been or will be labeled with PTSD, Post traumatic stress disorder, realize that is what men and woman at war come home with. You have been living in your own war and now you have to deal with the battle scars.
Try to always treat yourself like you would a best friend. Listen, never minimize and be kind. When you get angry at yourself think, would I do this to a friend?
With the name like Faith you must realize what a strong woman you are. Even if that isn’t a real name, you picked it for a reason. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take you down the road five years to see how far you have come but I can’t. Just imagine a day far from the pain you are in now.
It is normal to be so angry too. Accept the anger, it wants to be heard! If you ignore it and don’t deal with it, it will get worse and worse and you will blow up.Find a way to get the anger out. Kick boxing is great, or do something physical. Not only do you get to be angry but you work up a good sweat. Anytime you start to think of that awful husband, or family that doesn’t listen immediately replace it with,
“What is something that I really want to be doing now?” Then do it.
Don’t allow yourself more than a few minutes to dwell on people and things that you can’t change. I would count to ten and then force myself to change what I was thinking of. Sounds really simple and silly but after a while it was normal and easy.
I went through so much of what you are dealing with now, anger, feeling alone, my son and I in therapy, depression and most of all my own guilt. After all I am the mother and should protect my son from evil people, not leave them with them.
The best gift that you can give yourself and your daughter is your health and healing. To remove the guilt that you have about how you lived shows your daughter how to move on from it by taking the time to be angry and to move through the stages. She will go through much of the pain thatyou are. It is like taking the time to grieve a death, in a sense you are. A brutal death. Be angry, then cry and be sad,
then get angry some more, than feel guilty, then cry some more and the days will stack on top of another and one day you won’t be as angry and the guilt will start to fade and you will realize that you are smiling just because the sun is out and that you aren’t having horrible nightmares as often.
I promise, if you keep the focus on taking care of what is important like you and your daughter, forgetting everyone else, you will make it out of the darkness. Sad that often people, outsiders feel bad and want to get women out of abuse but many don’t realize that the aftermath can be just as damaging.
You are not alone, I will support you the best that I can and you will find the right people to support you in your daily life too. Really open up in counseling, it will free your soul to let some of this hurt go. Don’t hang onto it, it will keep you living in this violent self inflicted prison.
You are worth more than this world has shown you. Taking the courage to write a stranger as you have shows that. I hope to hear from you again. Take one day at a time and focus on what needs to be done for that day. Life will get overwhelming and you will breakdown, the trick is getting back up each time.
I would suggest reading some great self help books, the one I really enjoyed and read 3 times is Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters.” It will help you realize that your family won’t always be there and how to really dig deal to move past the issues you are having now.
With all my heart I wish you all the best. I have attached a motivating poem that I wrote and read almost daily. Place it somewhere and read it often to keep you focused on your goals.
Take care and have Faith!
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I could use some support…..
Right now, I am finishing a 1 1/2 year long divorce process. I left my abuser in Feb. 2006. I am so angry with him, his family, my family, anyone that believed him, the legal system, lawyers, his past (he molested his sister when he was 15-17 yrs. old while she was a little girl.) and mostly myself. I wanted to keep my daughter safe, but it seemed like no one cares…. people says i’m emotional & that he’s her father…. i cant stand that… i feel like the worst mother of all because if something happens …. i could not prevent it…… i could not prevent it. i spent every single penny on my lawyer… i felt that he doesnt care and gets to live happily ever after… but i am left with the broken pieces … i had to take my daughter to therapy…. i have been going to therapy.. but i tend to get angrier as i heal…. i am utterly discusted with individuals that minimize my situation, my own involvement within the situation , and with my x.
I feel extreme betrayal by my family because the admitted that my x is bad, but despite the fact that my x had raped me, beat me, emotionally, financially, verbally abused me, feed me lies about cps taking my daughter from me if i call the police, made me loose a baby during an abusive episode, they feel that i need to get over things and move on…. i am struggling… please respond.
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Rebecca,
Analytically I believe the effects of abuse will take a life time to overcome and the affect can become an affliction that risks being passed down from generation to generations to come. However with ongoing love, counseling, nurturance, and the natural healing process positivity can be planted. Given time for re-growth, relearning in turn one may blossom with positivity which can radiate into other means vastly reaching individuals who then can prosper immensely, be it emotional, psychological, and spiritual or overall well being! It is my hope, and deep prayers through our works that we can support, give love to, and call recognition to an ongoing epidemic that plagues our nation, our people, and our society today! Thank you for the opportunity to raise my voice through my words.
Sincerely,
Author, Gwendolyn Ann Thomas (GATH)
From the Heart of an Artist Quiet Storm
ps. truly I will pray my words do not offend anyone.
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Dear Rachael,
You just made all of my work worthwhile, thank you.
Rebecca
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I love you! Thank you for helping so much and writing such a hopeful blog.
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Dear Jenny,
I wanted to thank you for posting your comments. They will be helpful to others. I am so happy to see just how far you have come. You will be an incredible asset to other women who are now in the position that you were.
Check out my book, The Last Straw, exceprts at http://www.rebeccaburns.com under my stories, maybe you would be interested in offering your insight. My goal is to support women in this aftermath of abuse.
I look forward to your posting more here. Thank you, live big!
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi girls
I am a trainee psychologist with experience working with survivors but more importantly, a personal survivor myself.
I noticed that most women and expressed here, find it hard to move on. I really believe this may be because they wondered why they let it happen. I can vouch for the fact that no matter how sensible, strong or savvy you were before you met him, it was not your fault that you stayed or that it happened.
Most of these men (99% in my estimate) consciously or otherwise are out to destroy their women. They have destroyed women before you and will again. It is for complex reasons not yet understood that these men have a hatred of ‘their’ women so great that they will not stop until his dominance is complete. There are many documented stories of men killing their women. Logic doesn’t come into it and many men kill themselves after this. In my opinion, they should be classified as sociopaths or psychopaths, because they are unwilling and some unable to see you as anything but theirs to destroy.
They rope you in quickly with romance and most women deep down wonder if they’ll ever have such an intense romance or deep love from men again, no matter how violent or cruel he may have been. This romance is not real. They are lies fed to keep you hooked. I am now happily married to a lovely man. He’d rather die than hurt me physically or mentally.
The best advice I can give is NEVER trick yourself that you can help him see the error of his ways. He doesn’t want to and you cant change that. Make strong contacts with very dependable platonic men as protection, or family if better. Know that this together with the law WILL protect you. Do not isolate yourself. Get out as early as you can. Nothing will protect you more than falling out of love with him. He’ll sense it and eventually move on. It’s a strong likelihood that he is cheating anyway as he is so insecure he’ll reason that you’re cheating on him.
The greatest gift I took from this experience is the strength to know that to protect and grow in myself was absolutely precious and I mean emotionally. Men could sense this and from then on, romantically, I could pick and choose because they knew I was worth it. Ironically, I no longer NEEDED it like I suspected. And more ironically, the real love that came to me was a thousand times stronger and more romantic than I’d ever hoped for. And I don’t depend on it.
I realise that practical concerns like money and him hounding you are very very real to you. Please lean on all the help you can think of and remind youself that you’re not strong emotionally right now, but that’s ok and to be expected. Domestic violence helplines are fantastic and some provide legal information and help to safeguard you physically. Some organisations provide free items to support you initially and can advise on your children.
My abuse was 4 years ago I THINK. I want to demonstrate that you can be free, it is very possible. I’m free of him in every way. And can see how pathetic he is. I feel guilty that I stopped so low as to stay with him but he tricked me on several levels and I’m in no way a stupid person. Break away slowly if you need to but do break away. I have zero hope for therapy as men are not motivated to change.
I hope this is of help and will look back on the website to see if I can help in future.
I wish you happiness.
Jenny W
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Rebecca;
Thank you for your kind and re-minding words!
I did cry very hard last night. To a close friend, all she could say this morning is you need to let it go, move on, move forward. Well, I agree, however, HELLO? I am afraid to let it go too fast; as a problem of mine is to move foreward immediatley following a crisis. Like us all, they are many. I am afraid that if I do that now, I’ll find myself choosing another just like him in the future. I truly feel that I need some time to process all of this and if it means crying for months, well that is what it means.
I attended an Al-Anon session and felt ~ at the time this was just not for me! Maybe I need to give it another chance, don’t know. I do need to talk this out deeply, as upon my relocation from my home in Hawaii, back to Colorado – “HOME” as my family and friends all begged me to do, knowing I would have no car, knowing I had no money, kind of knowing what I had been through but not certain, as you really cannot describe it to most, especially if one has never been there. My father asked me to leave HIS house, because I was on the phone too much… Then, I went to a close friends home and was asked me to leave her house as well, we had a disagreement over her 27 yr old son backing out of an inmportant commitment he had made to me at the last minute, where she stuck up for him and went nuts on me, putting down my son etc., ~ She is actually in the same situation as myself, undergoing severe turmoil, also, but my thought was that together, we could get through these time with greater ease and compassion. Her husband had asked me to stay with them throughout their moving apart to be there to support the three of them, – no her son but their 9 year old daughter, saying” I was the only normal person in their lives and would be of great help fo their daughter. Weird? When I finally got to the place where I was supposed to stay, (my best friend in the mountains), her husband has asked me to go… immediately upon my getting there he bagan to treat me horribly, and this is a man I have been close to for over 30 years. Not to mention they would not have that home if it weren’t for me saving them from foreclosure a couple of years ago. “Oh ~ it’s not you…., yadda yadda yadda…”
So now that I have come “home” I have nowhere to stay, and the people that said they would help have all backed out! Last thing I want to do is come between my bestess friends’ marriage. She did discuss it with her husband bfore I got there andit ws fine, but as soon as I walked in the door it was a whole different ball game! I guess I am headed for a womans shelter. I feel the abuse is just continuing. And my heart hurts so much, that I say, heck with this and just go back to Hawaii… At least I have a car, my dogs and gardening and really only one person being mean (understatement) to me. Is it ME? I know when some people that are angry inside can omit an unwelcoming energy, though I have so many others that say the opposite, and do not “feel” me coming. I am confused???
My first posted comment was cut short as I was leaving the hotel where I was connected. And I do not feel I need to go into the details of the extent of the abuse, lets just say that I feel the same way your son does, I preffer to watch the bruies heal and go away, what is inside, the heart and head seem so incredibly impossible to heal at this time. I will do some reading actually I am trying to get through the Power of NOW, though do not remember the authors name at this time, and am doing research regarding the battered woman, and am trying?? Trying is all I can muster as you are aware. By an chance do you know? This being National Domestic Violence Awareness Month? Do we have a Ribbon yet? And if so, what color is it? I think it should be black, with a Silver Lining.
Mahalo Nui Loa Thank You Very Much!
Be Blessed to you and your son!
Stacey
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Dear Stace,
My first offer would be the hell with what others think, who cares if ayone belives you. You have nothing to prove to anyone. I agree leaving home is the hard part. I should have left years prior but didn’t want to leave my home, furnishings and such. I stayed so long that by the time I left just my son and I were all I cared about anymore.
Since you were supporting everything, which I was too, you can afford to start over. Honestly, I stayed in the same home where I was almost killed several times and later realized that was my worst mistake. My son and I had terrible memories in every corner of my home. It took until my son was a teenanger and said, I remember something bad in every corner of the house. We moved within 6 months from that.
I know it is hard to hear but if you can only imagine in your mind you being happy, a year from now and keep that in your mind it will happen. What saved me most was finding books that helped you to focus on moving forward, not on what happened. You still have to talk about what happened to really move past it. Do you have a close friend to talk with? If not my ear is always here and there is tons of support online.
I recommend a book by Anthony Robbins called, Awaken the Giant within. It helps you to stop playing the same scenes over and over in your mind and to focus on what you can have in life.
He is the loser, not you, I am so happy that you left at all. Too many women stay until it is too late.
Remember, you don’t have to convince anyone of what happened, it matters that you know it happened. Find others that belive you from your first word. The invisible wounds are the hardest to heal. My son said recently that he wished his dad had beat him, easier than how he treated us verbally.
I really wish you all the best and hope that I can support you in some way. Visit the blog again, I plan to add a suggested reading listing. Reading and listening to motivational tapes helped me to get where I am today.
It takes time alone to cry and heal. You may never understand why this happened to you. I wondered that for years. I finally accepted that it was because my husband hated himself and the world and I just happened to be in the way. It has made me a strong women but granted I would have preferred God teach me this in another way.
P.S., if you really want the home and dogs and were supporting everything maybe you can find a lawyer in your area to help you get it back.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Just beginning. Just stepped out. Just left my life, my dogs, my home. BTW all of which I was financially supporting. My abuser is a user. a user to everything, alcohol, drugs, me.
I am so angry that it was I that had to go. I am in such inner turmoil at this current moment that I cannot see which way is up. Why did I have to go? Why do some areas let the man the abuser have the home? Why does it “seem” that this situation kills, and that the woman is a liar. Because the bruises are not visible? Because the spirit, and heart cannot be seen, the true Bruise? The broken and shatttered life? The broken and shattered dream? I know my story is not unfamiliar, and long as it my be. I would like to know how to repair, re-claim. Make someone believe, that abuse is real, and unacceptable. I cannot say how many people do not believe, how so many people say “It will get better”, “Oh, that’s nothing?” What?? I do not understand?
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