I am often thankful that I found ways to grow stronger as a woman, especially in the aftermath of the abuse I lived through for years. Without this coping skill, I never would have become the strong woman I am today, ten years later. These are some of the things that I did and still, do today to stay strong. Stronger than the abuser. Stronger than my past. I am not my past and neither are you.
Listen to motivational shows/tapes/cd:
Initially, someone gave me a motivational 30-day tape series by Anthony Robbins. I listened to this program for the next 4 years every new years week This system really helped me the most. I also journal, listened to motivating music and really opened up to friends and family for the first time. I needed to learn to stop minimizing what had happened.
Knowing how to relieve your own stress is a priceless gift. Everyone in the world can offer up ideas but like anything else, you need to find what works for you. Years ago I would play the stress over and over in my head, always focusing on the worst that had happened or the worst that could happen. Eventually, I would work myself up into a full anxiety attack by playing the same old record in my head.
Today, I allow myself to stress for a bit, just enough to know I need to take some action, then when I realize that focusing on the stress of issue is not changing it, normally takes about five minutes, I realize that even though I may not have control over the situation I do have control over my own thoughts and what I chose to focus on. I forced myself to count to five in my head then think of something else, anything else.
To help myself de-stress from everyday life I learned that for me playing a certain few songs would snap me out immediately, for some reason the tape for River-dance gave me energy, Bach as well. Find what works for you. Many times to clear my head a good old hot bath and a few candles would do the trick. The true trick is to force yourself to only think good things while you are in the bath. If you focus on the issues you won’t relax. Even if you just stare at a candle and clear your mind you will feel so much better after your bath.
Knowing how to de-stress before the stress is full blown is the key.
Talk and Share:
I encourage you to talk to someone you trust. It may not be family, it may be someone that you don’t know online or over the phone. Sharing what happened and how you felt will help you to move on. The worst thing you can do it keep it inside, thinking that makes you stronger. Letting it out and moving on makes you stronger. Keeping it in may allow it to return to your life one day. Break that invisible chain.
Read:
I often encourage women to read, it helps you to see that there is a way out of the depression that is often felt when leaving an abusive relationship. I tried to read during the abuse but my abuser belittled me and I finally gave up trying to better myself. I actually secretly wrote a novel during the abuse. It was my only sanity. I had to hide it for her ripped up the first copy.
What makes YOU Smile?:
Find something that is for just you. Anything that makes you feel a bit better. It doesn’t have to be a day at the spa, simply fixing your hair on a day that you don’t want to help. Painting your nails, buying a new comforter or perfume. It doesn’t have to cost money, find simple things that you like to do. Make your pretty smile a priority. You wore it upside down for way too long. You are what you decide to be, not what someone else led you to believe.
Counseling:
I hesitated at first but after placing my son in counseling I was encouraged to go too. I had thought since the abuse was over I was fine. Never mind the constant anxiety attacks and the fact that I was living off of only coffee and stress. It was one of the best things that I ever did for myself. I was able to share things that I would never share with another soul, even my closest family, and friends. You know, things that you can’t even believe you put up with. It was an impartial party that helped me through the grieving process. Yes, grieving. Even though you are most times happy to be away from the abuser you had lived that life for so long you feel alone and empty. Your routine of suffering in isolation is suddenly gone most times. If you are like me I was unable to talk or even have an opinion in my home with my husband so suddenly having someone encourage me to share was difficult at first. Once I got over being embarrassed that I cried each time I opened my mouth I just let it out. I would then come home and read and write in a journal. When I later looked back at the journals I was amazed to see how much stronger I had become, one day, one boo hoo session at a time. Don’t mask the pain with drugs or ignorance. Let the mask go.
If needed, Move to Move on:
Ten years later I would say most of my scars are gone. My nightmares finally stopped just this year when I moved. I had stayed in the same home for ten years, big mistake. Moving set me and my son free from the nightmares. One day he told me every corner of the apartment had a bad memory for him. That was when I knew I couldn’t get rid of all those memories if we stayed here.
What do you do to stay inspired and strong?:
I would like to ask that women who visit please share something here. This is a frequently asked question of readers. What do I do now? Please share what you have done and keep doing to stay strong. Your tips will help other women who seek this wisdom.
What do you do? Share it, don’t keep it all to yourself now!
The most important thing to remember is that the abuse is NOT about you. It wasn’t caused by you, and you couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. You also didn’t and never will deserve to be treated poorly.
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Dear 3 Boyz Mom,
No, a better woman wouldn’t be fine. You get beaten down to think that way after time. It is rare that a woman leaves and never returns, it is just the cycle. The trick is finally having enough and saying I would rather die trying to leave then die just sitting next to him waiting for it at any minute. All woman feel the way you do when they leave, the wounds are so fresh for you. Don’t try to fix it all today, it can take years. Just focus on those kids and what you need today, heal what you can. It is okay to still love and care for him, just need to care for you more.
Family just don’t know what to do when we return. You need to find others to support you, you don’t need judgement during this time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers that you stay strong and stay free from abuser.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I’m glad I found this…. I finally am out of a very abusive relationship as of 2 days ago. I always go back. I pray I’m stronger this time. I knowvive put my kids through hell as and I’m not going to let him destroy me n my kids anymore. I just feel so empty and alone. My family hates me for going back so many times and I’ve lost all my friends. I couldn’t have friends cuz they would know what was happening. I hate myself for putting up with it for 4 years. What is wrong with me I keep thinking… But sometimes I think its my fault and if I was a better woman it would’ve been fine.
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Janet,
Yes, domestic violence is one a loved one is violent to you. Can be kids on kids, parents to kids, kids to parents. I watched it as a little girl and dealt with it as an adult, verbal at me, that was a rough one, we love them so much.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Domestic Violence can be from our Children also – Hurts – Don’t it.
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Renea,
No need to be sorry here, that is what the blog is for.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Ale,
If that is not a story of strength I don’t know what is. Thank you for sharing all that with us. This gives hope to woman that want to leave today but can’t, they have no means to leave. You show that with sheer determination you found a way out. I am sorry for all that you had to deal with, even after leaving. You are going to be able to have the life you want, I can tell by what you have shared.
You are a strong woman, you deserve all that life has in store for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Reanea,
Do I think an abuser can change, yes. Does that mean you should take a chance and wait for him to change, hell no. If he changes and has a better life, great, but with your past, the last thing you need to do is help fix a man. You already know you need to leave, do not let the sadness and guilt that you went through this before make you stay, if anything, it should make you leave now. Never ignore those red flags, they are there for a reason. You may continue to attract that type of man if you don’t realize you deserve more. If a man frightens you, that is a red flag, he ever raises a hand to you, red flag.
For your sake and your child’s I pray you leave, before it is too late.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Carrie,
It is so nice to hear the success after leaving the violence. I know you life is not exactly what you want now but you are working towards it and will make it for sure. Leaving is hard, staying strong is even harder. I am happy to hear that you are dealing with things, this will ensure your life and your children’s is good. I wish you and your family all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Ale,
I am sorry for all that you and your son have gone through. Better to suffer in the aftermath than to live the way you were. I always say for every day in the abuse you need that day to heal after, give it time, lost of time for your soul to heal. We feel so deeply and hate that our abuser may suffer, how odd that is. That just shows that he didn’t destroy you, he is what will make you stronger than you ever dreamed.
Do what is right for you and that baby, that is all that matters.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I could never imagine that guy could hurt me physically.
He had hurt my soul, my beliefs but never physically.
And he did it, with the intention to kill me.
People would ask me
What did you do to him?OMG
I feel sorry for him, he lost all now.
Or
Are you sure all these happened?
I cried, I felt soooo angry
Lonely, afraid, guilty.
I started to learn and understand about domestic violence.
I moved out of the house, have a restraining order, I am going for counseling, I wake up at 4 am and check all the doors, I lock my bedroom
And the images and the feelings of that day are over and over in my mind.
My son is with me, afraid to go from the bathroom to the kitchen, sleeps with me, but loves his dad. I am allowing two times a week supervised visitations.
I did not drop the charges but the prosecutor asked me 3 times if I am ok with the possibility of him to be deported( legally here but not a citizen)
Because we have a child together.
I feel confused. But why do I need to decide this? He did it, not me.
So mixed feelings. If you are a victim of domestic violence, don’t expect people to understand you because they won’t . Just if you have been in this situation you know how it is.
I lost my horizons, I am living day by day. I just know he tried to destroy me many times in different ways, he always did it. Not other times, not this time again, I just need time to go over this.
And be able to open the windows of my heart and let the sun come in again.
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I just found this website. All the postings were like reading my soul.
For 7 years, I had been an object of an abuser. He took me from my home country with a promise of happiness. I was neglected, I was psychologically, financially abused and I did not know it. I just felt nothing, I started thinking I could not do it by myself, I felt ugly, not interesting. He would threaten to leave me, to take my son if I did not work out our marriage, and all I would do, it was never enough. He had ” friends”, he would get personal gifts, etc etc and when I questioned him: you are so insecure ! And he said he actually should do it because I was a shitty wife.
I would come home and he would not acknowledge my presence.
I wanted to leave so many times but not only him, but also my family would make me believe I could not make it by
Myself in a foreign country.
One day, I woke up and I made a plan.
I was a physician in my home country. And the only thing that would save me
Would go back to my profession. But how? I had a baby, nobody to share his care to do some studying. I started studying so hard, and when I was discouraged I would mentalize and imagine the day I would be free of him.
I did it. 3 years to complete all the tests with scores above 90. Got a position as a resident, completed my residency with so much effort, fight, fear and cold blood to smile and say
” I love you” when he stated he was unhappy with “us”.
I completed my internal medicine residency and after my fellowship as a specialist.
In 2010, he came during the holidays
Like he always used to do( at Christmas time) and said he was going to leave, that I had to improve to please him.
I WILL never forget this day:
Fine, fine
I agree with you
I think it is time for you to leave
we got separated but living under the same roof.
I met other man, I felt alive sexually, physically, mentally.
However, the legal divorce was not a subject and we started to argue about assets. When I finally served him, that night I will never forget.
He tried to kill me. He pushed me against the bathroom wall, held my neck, my son came and I tried to escape, he did it again against another wall. I escaped to the front door. He run after me, pushed me against the floor and dragged me back to the house on my knees while holding my neck. God gave me the strength and I escaped
Went to the neighboor and called the police.
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Sorry for long post.
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I was in an abusive relationship for eight years with my ex and my son’s father. I finally found the strength to leave when our son was 7 because I saw what it was doing to him. My ex was mentally, emotionally and physically abused me. I Left him and went to a shelter with my son and received counseling for us both. I remained single for 2 1/2 years and then met someone who seemed like a great guy. There was red flags he was abusive and I did not ignire them but excused them. We got married and I thought things would get better. He has choked and pushed me and held me down against my will. He has verbally abused me on several occasions. The last assault happened in the car a couple of weeks ago on vacation at the in-laws. He attempted to drive us in to a tree at 75 mph and I had to jump out to save my life. I am lucky the jump did not kill me but I did suffer serious injuries and had to be taken to the hospital. This has changed me and his family was shocked at all the things he had been doing to me. He did horrible things to me that night and I feel so stupid for allowing this to happen to me again and my son. My husband has accepted full blame and responsibility for all if and has apologized several times. My husband has started therapy and anger mgmt. classes but I am not sure I want to work it out. It all feels so raw and painful and I jusr do not care for him. He wants to do marriage counseling after his therapy and classes but I do not trust it. I Love my son to pieces and just wonder if I should just leave and go to a shelter. I feel guilty as a mom for putting him through this again. Do you think abuser’s can change? Should I even try? I feel so confused and betrayed. I have nightmares and horrible sadness as well as anxiety. Help please!
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During the extreme abuse I self medicated to cope and mask the anxiety and pain so once my abuser was finally incarcerated and I had the kids tucked away safely with my big sister. I found that now my substance abuse problem had become bigger than me as well so first I had to overcome the withdrawal. Once I overcame that I would go to work with my brother raking leafs and trying to get my strength back up was my first step.. I also began taking domestic violence classes as well as substance abuse classes to get the proper professional help to see me through the devastating effects of the abuse and to help me get a handle on my pill habit! Once I was finally free of the domestic abuse and coping well without the prescription drug medications.. I felt free and found it very comforting to just get in the car and roam around jamming to my favorite music with or without friends. It didn’t matter! I just enjoyed the feeling of being free at last with no worries&to know that my kids was in safe hands with my sister while I healed emotionally was huge in my road to recovery! I’m not quiet healed completely due to the severity of abuse I endured but I am we’ll on my way&must say my sister&her husband have been wonderful with my children while giving me time to heal! Seeing my children smile makes my heart happy! It’s real smiles too,no fake smiles or pain behind them anymore. We are all full of smiles now and loving life even if me and my babies can’t be all back together just yet. We are very hopeful and staying positive in the meantime.
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Dear Ramos,
I am touched this blog is helping you in anyway. My God, you have been through hell and back. It will take a long time for you to recover from all that has happened to you, if you are left with physical scars that will be with you forever. You are blessed to have your child, your strength and the wisdom you are sharing here. You were meant to be here for more reasons that you will ever know, women here feel they will never be able to move on, to hear about what you have been through and be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, gives them strength.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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this blogs its helping me I am 22 years old I got marry with the man the I meet in high school I thought the I knew him 6 years of my life wasted , when I said stop I was 4 months pregnant , I thought first I might be going crazy because I used to see him everywhere but he is in jail its impossible , I used to hugged his pillow sleeping of his side of the bed ,I moved away the house to try help myself and my baby , but it been 10 months and the bad memories still hunts me down , I star crying when I see my hand the he burned me 2 week after we got marry , when I see a toy gun or bb gun in the store reminds me when he shoot me in the eye in his birthday , and drag me around the floor , every time when he used to hit me in from of my boy the its 4 years old and those words the hurt so deep in side like a knife, thanks god for give me the wisdom the is better without him and this side , to let me know the we are strong and this scar will heal slowly but it will heal.
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Dear Emma,
I am happy that you have found the love you needed. I understand how it is hard to let go of the past, many woman who can’t find a way never live the full life they were meant to live. You must find the way that will work for you to let go of the pain and the past. It is time. Be grateful everyday for what you have now. Put focus on today and live in this good moment. When you stay in the past, you are not living now.
I know this sounds easy but know it can be hard. I had nightmares over ten years. More than 15 years later I still tend to the loving women on this blog, sometimes my love thinks this brings me down at times but only because I want to shake every woman out there and tell her to bury the thought of him but I cant. I was able to forgive him before I forgave me. I saw him as a person, took me out of the picture, he grew up being abused, he had been homeless at 14, lived on the streets for years, did drugs, did his best to survive. He drank at an early age to cover his pain. Deep down I know he did love me and his son, he just didn’t like himself. Once I saw him as a stand alone man in pain, I was able to forgive him, knowing it was all he knew to be and do. He has long since died and in some ways you would think that made it easier but it still took 7 years past his death for my nightmares to stop.
Read about forgiveness, you do it for you, not the other person. You just come to a point where you realize you will stay stuck if you stay angry. It doesn’t mean what he did was acceptable, it just means that you have decided the anger and past it too heavy to carry anymore and that you want to fully live in the happiness you have today.
Only you can decide if you want to let go of this, I an plead with you to but it is up to you. It is a great feeling inside to be able to move on from something like this. I always hated when someone would tell me their family told them to move on and just forget. That is not what I mean, but when you are the one on your own that decides to move on and forgive, it is the best feeling of all because you did it on your own terms. Remember, you are only hurting yourself by not letting go.
I wish you all the best that life has out there for you.
Many woman write about what you have today, if you find that you are able to get anything from my advice, keep us posted, it will help others to move on too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Sbstardust,
I was happy to see you posted these tips to your site, they have helped many. I appreciate all that you do.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Reblogged this on Life After Abuse, A Brighter Tomorrow.
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Hi –
Three years ago I fell in love with a old fling. The relationship lasted 6 months. We fell madly in love, it was almost electrifying. I was so mesmerized by his charms that I was unaware of all his existing and growing insecurities. He became controlling and possessive…it was sickening. Our love failed as fast as it grew. One minute we were incredibly in love and the next he was throwing his fist my way and spitting in my face. It happened once. He left several evident marks that left me feeling like shit. I was ashamed, I avoided all my family and friends …telling no one and blaming myself, feeling worthless. After the abuse, before I could even threaten to leave him, he apologized and begged me not to leave. Regardless of whose fault it was, I was not a fool. Though everything happened so fast and I was still at a complete lost, I knew deep down that it was wrong no matter how I tried to justify it. I had to tell myself that I worked too damn hard in life to get to where I was just to be taken down by a weakling, no-good man who had to take a fist to my face to make himself feel more like a man. My mama raised me better than that. So I left him. He stalked me for several weeks, coming by my house in the mornings when he knew I would be home getting ready for work, or he’d make up some story about how he happened to be in my neighborhood and wanted to stop by. He would sit outside my house and call me profusely until I picked up or until I fell asleep. I was his prison, even in the aftermath. I wanted to die.
He quickly found himself a new gf (or victim) and finally left me alone. I was finally able to try to move past him and heal. However, I soon found that the healing part hurts just as much as the abuse. To avoid facing the pain, I became careless and reckless with men. My mentality had changed completely and I no longer respected my body or men. I viewed men as disposable and allowed meaningless sex. I was on a mission to prove to him that men can be just as worthless to women as we were to men. I was passively angry and all I cared about was sex, drug and alcohol. (talk about having issues right?!) But I told myself I was fine and that he couldn’t fade me. No one could.
It’s been three years now, and I am in a new relationship with an old friend of 10 years. It took all these years of trials and errors for me to realize that the one man who can truly love me, that can make me smile every single day of my life and complete me so entirely was right under my nose all along. He has taught me to respect myself and I have allowed myself to slowly trust and love again.
So now I have this new happy beginning and yet, my ex continue to haunt my dreams. I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night fearing for my life. I still get angry when I think of him. The thought of his face makes me want to cringe. I still hate him. I want to stop hating him. I don’t think I will ever truly be free if I can’t forgive him. I know he will never change, I know there is nothing I can do to help him. I know I’m not his first victim and I won’t be his last. So how do i forgive him? How do I forgive evil?
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Dear Dear Christine,
Your story is very heartbreaking but so common. No matter what you think, he didn’t take all of you, you had the strength to post hear, to seek out others. You want to have a life. It is okay that you still love him, ,just love yourself more. He will always hurt you, you know this. Read this post over and over, print it, frame it and read it every day, every time you want to call him or let him back in. If you keep focused on healing yourself and being alone, you will attract the man you should be with, not one that will treat you the way he has.
We want the love, it was meant to be, but it isn’t. You are the one that gets to decide what happens next in your life, not him. Now is the time to take control of your life. My heart and prayers go out to you. Someday, like me you will look back and see how far you have come.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I just don’t know where to start .. My head hurts with all the stuff running through it. You see I married for 23 years once we divorced , we both moved on. I met this amazing man who swept me off my feet. It was a world win romance. Passion , laughter, love, and so much more. We decided because we are not getting any younger that we wanted to live together.. The problem was he was6. Hours away from my home town, I have 4children from my ex husband.. But some how I found myself moving to be with him, believing what he was telling me, it will be ok we will fight to have the kids ….. What lies… After two weeks of moving in it all started… Saying I was cheating when he was at work … Got very abusive on all levels… Couldn’t go anywhere with out him, or I was meeting someone… To stripping me of my clothes , draging me out of bed by my feet…… He would push and shake. I left so many times.. But he would always talk me into believing he would do anything to prove that he love me and would get help….I thank god every day my children was not there to see any of this… As I was going through all of this he was going to court for his ex wife and ex partner(abuse) but yet again he convinced me that he did no wrong it was them…. It’s amazing how they can lead you to believe them……. We moved so many times , he would say its a new start a new home a freash start.. I didn’t know at that time ,every time I left he had another woman there..
All his fighting was about him not me. That took me a long time to see that… I would sit there and say I don’t know why he is doing this I did nothing wrong. He would have me to that point I would curl up like a ball just to protect myself from all the pain he was causing me… I was grieving the lost of my children, myself, my life… But but but … There was this side of him that was amazing, he would hold me all night, look into my eyes and tell me how much he love me and how stunning I am… He would take me to place I only dreamt about…. But then it was short lived.. I might of look at someone, or he would start thinking about the last time I left him.. He had it in his head I left him for another man…. There was this time he had me so scared I could not move for 5 days, he was in and out up and down with his moods…. And he snaped this night ,after all the crabbing , head hitting this time, throwing up against the wall, so much more… He turned to me and said you want to leave don’t you.. I said in this small voice “yes I can’t do this” that’s when he just jumped on top of me and put his hands around my neck saying , “you have got me that angry , I will show you how easy it would be for me to kill you” I looked him in the eyes, then he sat up , still on me, and then said ” you made me that angry I’m going to show you, I’m going to get a knife and kill myself…. At that point he jumped off ran to the kitchen to get the knife….. I saw the front door and ran ran ran….. But after all that and court I went back,, 4more times….everyone told me he will kill me but I just would not believe them .. Because its me that gets him mad and if I just be good and make sure I look after him he will be this amazing man all the time… ( what crap, I’m in lala land) he went on the run from doing time, he got two years … He living over seas… He convince me he was sick and dying and would I came and see him, that he loves and miss me and he will never hurt me and will always keep me safe, he has learnt his lesson, being so unwell he wanted to spend some time with me, his love of his life…. So I gave up what I had left( not much due to the last time I left him) … I got on a plane and flue 32. Hours to see this sick dying man… What lies…. I got there and he was so fight,,,, but he swept me off my feet once again. Then with in 2 days it started, I gave him the first fight , but the next one a week later I said you touch me one more time I’m leaving for good so make it a good one… He promise to stop drinking again……. One week to that date we were having a fantastic day, happy laughing , then he snapped, but this time I turned to him and said ” you have a choice here right now at this point , you can stop and we can have a great night or you can choose to keep going and end up having a bad night ” sorry to say he chose the bad night…. That was the night I needed up asking him just kill me know get it over with, no one will know or find me.. I was in another country no one new me, not many new I went back….he stopped and walked away … Saying well you coming home.. Just like the past 6 hours of pain never happened… The next day he went to work and I packed my bag and got the hell out of there…. Some lady helped me and after four days of hiding in that country I came home….. But I came home to nothing lost all my friends lost all my family… No one understands….. I boarding with this lady, just got a job … But I’m so mixed up in the head… I love this man…. He took so much from me but all so gave me so much…. He controlled so much of me there was nothing left for me… I have to find a ways to heal my mind body and soul… Chriss
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Hi Brandi,
I totally know where you are coming from and all that you wrote made complete sense to me. The best thing that you have going for your right now is that you are gone from him. That is the best decision you have made. with all that is going through your mind, hang onto that. By not confronting him he would have eventually beaten you beyond repair.
Now is the time to put full focus on you and the kids. One day at a time. How can you get money, can you work, get assistance. Demand a good arrangement for our children, they are what is important. Isn’t there someone else that can be with the children when they see their father, why you? A family member you trust maybe. If not and you have to face him, be prepared, do what you can to feel strong when you see him, keep saying in your head, I am a strong woman, just ignore what he says and keep smiling for your children.
I always say, the best revenge is a life well lived. I know it sounds like a pipe dream, but you can live a happy life, have a happy family.
The feelings of love that you have for him are so normal. I promise, after sometime, they will fade. You feel guilty for taking the kids and making him face his own life. He doesn’t deserve you. See if you can get local counseling, read every book that inspires you to deal with what happened. Dr. Phil has one called, Life Matters, helps you move past what others think. Read this blog, logs of great advice from others that have been where you are.
Many have made if from where you to to a live fulfilled. reach out, stay in touch, you can make it, one day at a time.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am a mother of 2 small children…I have been married for almost 10 years now. At the time we are currently seperated because of a domestic assault he has brought on me. I have an order of protection against him right now. In the order of protection they awarded me temporary custody of our children to which he gets visitations 3 days a week. Seeing him each week has been mentally hard on me. He keeps trying to be nice and act like he wants us to get back together, but something tells me he is just trying to save his butt from the criminal court case ahead. Everytime I see him at the exchanged spot he is constantly telling me that everything is my fault. What had happened is 4 years ago he cheated on me…I then took him back to save our family, but the trust was broken. I would ask him to please just re-assure me that he wasn’t doing anything by keeping an open relationship to where if he is using his phone not to go in the bathroom and use it. 2 years after the cheating he upper cutted my chin and I had him arrested. Then we still got back together because I wanted to save our family. Now the past 6 months have been total hell. He is txtn girls behind my back and not coming home from work at the normal time. I confronted him 2 days after Mothers day with the phone records and such, even called the girl in front of him. He jumped up and then punched me in the face (nose area) I had him arrested yet again.I already have been putting up with the choking and name calling throughout these years and even had bruises up and down my sides without having him arrested. I have even tried fighting back but it was a never ending battle. Now he is currently living with his mother and I am staying with a friend…the only thing I question is why do I wake up sick to my stomach every day. I can’t hardly eat or sleep and I feel like if I would have never confronted him all of this would have never happened. I feel like my whole world is crashing and I know I have to be strong for my 2 kids, but it is really hard when I have to see him every week. I don’t have any money or a job for that matter to even start a divorce. He tried to serve me divorce papers with a ridiculous parenting plan to where he has them for a week and vice versa..that is not stable for the kids in my eyes. He caused all this drama and pain on us why does he think he deserves to have our children a week at a time when he has a crazy work schedule and would never be there with them. i just don’t get it. He was also just trying to make it to where his child support would be like $31 a month for 2 kids…that’s not even gas money nowadays. i am so confused on what to do. I want custody of our kids and dunno where to begin to start that process. I just dont know what to do anymore…sorry if none of this makes sense as nothing in my life does anymore…I still love him but i know things will never change it”s just so hard to let go of someone you have been with for 10 years…any suggestions or advice is much needed at this time…thank you
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Dear Erin,
I have no words to comfort you but I wish that I did. It is hard to imagine that life could go so wrong. It breaks my heart to think you are torn from your daughter as you are. I am happy that you are away from him. I again don’t know the rights things to tell you to make the pain go away. It would be easy to just say move on but when a child is involved it is much harder to do. As hard as it is, one day she will be grown and able to make her own decisions. Be the best mother that you can for her from where you are. Getting your strength and life strong for you and your son is the first step.
You have such much trauma to deal with to even consider moving on to be strong for your children and for you. If you are not in counseling maybe this is something you can get into. I never thought I needed it, it was in the past, but it really helped me to move past some of the things that he had done to me.
It takes courage to write your heart out like you have and for that you are strong. Sharing what you have been through is a great way to heal, it has helped me to help others.
Keep in touch. All my prayers for you and your children.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Sorry! It keeps breaking my message! Anyhow, I cant even call my daughter in peace. I love her so much. My son and I miss her every moment of every day. I know she misses us too. When I do have her she sobs when she leaves. She even sent me a text message saying she wants to live with me. My life is empty. And I dont know how to fix it. He is such a powerful force to go up against and hes so wealthy and I have nothing anymore. My son is doing fabulous! Number 40 out of 450 kids in honors even after a new state and new school. My daughter however is not fairing so well. See hes either at work or at the gym and he has no time for studies. She is 8 and she readily tells anyone she hates school. I encourage her through the frustrating phone calls where he wont stop insulting me in the background. I ask her to read to me and normally he hangs up while shes reading. My question is how do you move on? How to you try to live normal and abide by these calming stress tips when nothing is normal and I have no control? How do you survive a situation as horrific as this one when noone helps you? Dcfs said its a custody issue. School psych says she is well adjusted and fine. I just dont know. Thank you and God Bless
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Without my consent. And I had better be grateful. He had recorders in the house and everywhere. After enough pillows over my face, a permanently scarred rearend from his work book and many other beating and savage emotional abuse, I left with the kids. He filed kidnapping charges 2 days into it. In court I had to pay 3500 for it to be dismissed. He locked us out of his affluent home w nothing. He had women constantly and always had. I gave the dog awy without him knowing to a trainer whos own dog perished. We still see him. I wanted her safe. Custody battle took place. He made several false police reports on me to win. I lost 26000 dollars to a lawyer. He messed with my employment dropping my daughter off as his job was more important than mine. 4 yrs into and being flat broke and still the daily emotional abuse and I shattered. I reached my point. He told a judge I was the next Casey Anthony. My son is an A honor student, preppy and his father and I friends sine childhood and still noone listened in court. He told a forensic dr in one visit I was a potential child murderer. I lost my cool. I cried, sobbed and defended myself and my son and my daughter. The forensic after 45 minutes told m to prove his abuse, that I brain washed my son and I should thank my abuser for paying my portion of her 7500 bill. At court she recommended my ex get custody temporarily forfeitin chld support. My ex smiled. I hit the floor. Hands shaking I reached my max. I had now lost it all. My home, my job, my child and noone would listen. The trial would be a joke. He had a lawyer and I couldnt afford one. The judge made it clear if I defended myself I would get no special treatment. So I signed over my daughter that day and I sobbed. And I sobbed and I sobbed. My son and I packed up and moved to my mothers in Minnesota. 7 hrs from Frankfort Il. And you would think the abuse ended. It has not. Now he places all calls on speaker phone. Asks me how it is to be poor. Asks me how it is to be a loser. A bedspread for men. All this just to say
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I am a work in progress. I have read your tips. Tried your tips. And like a child in class striving for the gold star, I work hard at it. It is not easy. Not many understand abuse. Nor do they understand the aftermath. Just because I am free of him, in no way indicates I am free of memory. His words are forever embedded in my soul. Your ugly Erin. No other women are like you. Your not a real woman. Your worthless. Your a stretched out has been. Women over 30 fall apart and your on your way. Other women wear bikinis and half tops, look at you, your disgusting. I was by then almost down to 100 pounds and he still called me fat. He signed me up for painful laser treatments for a few stretch marks because his body didt work for just anything. My son and I (who was 6 and from a previous) were not good enough for his wealthy neighborhood. We were scum from the wrong side of town. Even though I grew up upper middle class not far from his childhood home. Our daughter together reigned supreme. My son had to go to his room so he could have quality time with HIS daughter. He brought home presents solely for what he referred to as HIS daughter. He began calling my son rat boy and faggot. He bought a puppy for HIS daughter and if my son enjoyed him openly, the dog was kicked or tied up tightly to the back door or from a chan from the basemnt ceiling. He would put pillows over my face to silence me if I defended myself or my son. Once he out a gun to my temple and begged me to kill myself. He choked me a day before I gave birth to our daughter. Left the home with her for 3 days after I gave birth until I could be a real woman. He read about post partum depression and one of his as he put it ‘confidential women friends’ who was a nurse said I had it. He didnt want me to kill his baby to spite him. I would beg him on my knees to stop and plead with him. Only when he was satisfied I was in my place would he leave the baby to me. He went on business trips for days and I wasnt allowed to call. He would buy me a bew car every 6 mon
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Thank you
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Dear Bernie,
I am so happy that you decided to share some of what has been bottled up in you. No matter who you are, keeping all of this inside makes it worse, you can never move on and even really enjoy the moments of today. I too felt sorry for him, I finally stopped fearing him and could see him for the scared frightened man that he was. He was the one no self esteem.
I am glad to see that you are able to continue with your life. You have so much in store for you in life, after all that you have been through, you deserve it.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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i was with my abuser for 10 and left almost 6 years ago and i still have nightmares about what happen i feel guilty sometimes i feel that if ive done things differently things wouldn’t have happened so badly he was very physically and emotion abuse the last two days before i left where the worst he keep me locked up inside my house pulled phone cords from the wall so i couldn’t make calls my daughter and son both witness the attract he was very good about where he hit me thought he never hit anywhere where you could visibly see the bruises the second day he thought he let my daughter go to school but told her if she told anyone he would kill me and her brother i thank god every day that she didn’t listen to him and did what was right and told someone and that day i begged him to let me call my work i said so he wouldn’t get in trouble but i had friends at work who knew what was going on we made little code words to know if i was safe between that call and my daughters principle calling me almost right as i hung up the phone and my fast thinking i believed saved my life when my daughters principle stared asking if i was ok and my abuser was yelling in the background she knew i wasn’t safe i answered question is everything ok and said m daughter isn’t listening and needed to go get her i remember him telling me to leave my son there and i told him she hurt him screaming and i think its better if i took him with me he let me thank god or im not sure where i would be today the principle got me into a women shelter which ive tried calling before and they where filled when i got there however i made friends with ppl there and some of them didnt even need the shelter they just used it to get cheap housing i dont think theses women actually new the consequent to there action and that made me angry to know there are ppl who are abusing the system and women that actually needed had no place to go being at the shelter help me realize that i wasn’t the one with the problem he was i take it day by day with each day things seem to get better i feel sorry for him sometimes because he things this is normal behavioral i also hope tat he gets help if not for himself but for his son its kinda weird for me to talk about this is the first time i really ever talk about this with anyone and i have to say it feels good to release some of the things i have bottle up inside
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Hello Louise,
Thank you for your kind words. Good words can heal the mean ones.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Kirsty,
I really feel for you. First, why on earth are you reading his Facebook page? You get to decide what you read and place in your head. You need to put all the focus on moving forward. It is easy for me to say this but why does it matter what he says and does today? Be thankful that you are out. Don’t start minimizing what happened, we all do that. Take control of each day. You are doing so much, don’t be so touch on yourself. You need the self love you deserve. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Vevila,
Thank you so much for your comment. You cut to the point! Everything is blamed on something else. Someone had sent me this book a bit back and I too highly recommend it. We get to chose to let this type of person in our lives and it is time to stop and take back our control. I posted your comments on http://www.rebeccaburns.com in regards to this book as well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Strong, beautiful women,
I’m a social worker who has worked with hundreds of women who are victims of domestic violence. I’ve done much research on relationship violence and have even witnessed it with family members and loved ones.
He doesn’t “lose control.” He does not have an anger management problem. He does treats you like that because he feels entitled to do so, and frankly, it’s a good arrangement for him. Go to a bookstore and read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. If there’s not a safe place for you to hide it, just go read bits and pieces of it when you’re not with him. It is a huge eye opener and clearly shows how HE CHOOSES TO ACT THAT WAY. It’s not mental illness, it’s not the drug/alcohol problem, and it’s not something out of his control that just happens.
Know that you deserve better than to be treated worse than a dog. Repeat that in your mind and feel it in your heart.
If there’s only one thing you do, pack a bag that you can grab and run with. A change of clothes, needed documents, and $ if possible. Hide it well.
I envision your empowerment and freedom.
All the Best,
Vevila Hussey, MSW
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Hi Rebecca
Thank you for responding to my post, I have a little time out at the moment as i have been back to court with the custody issues and he has had his time postponed and made to be at a contact center until September so i dont have to deal with him directly at the moment, I am having good days and bad days still very emotional. I have also heard the news he has a new girlfriend and is very happy as he is claiming on his facebook page he has also got slanderish comments about the commitment he had with me. it feels like somedays i am living through hell and i am even doubting myself to the point i feel like maybe i was his problem and the abuse was because i was doing something wrong. I am doing my best and i am going to take your advise and read some of the self help books. Thank you for your support
Kirsty
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May God heal and help us all. We do not deserve to be beaten, we do not deserve to be lied to. We do not deserve to cry anymore. We are people too. To the lady who had the abortion, I wish I could give you a hug more than anyone in the world right now, your message brought me to tears, your strength is amazing. God bless you darling. Goodnight x
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Dear Peggy,
Thank you so much for writing. I know you are in a very difficult place and appreciate that you had the strength to write today. You are sharing such honest feelings. The following is a post that I hope can be of some help https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2006/11/23/tips-to-keep-your-spirit-strong-what-do-you-do/
The fact that you are walking away from men that are dis empowering you is to be applauded. You don’t need to have a man, especially not now. I know the one day at a time thing, I am honest in saying it took me ten years to feel alive fully again. For me it was almost a day for each day that felt taken from me. Stop focusing on when will I feel better and do what you can to heal the wounded lady so deep inside of you. Write, really, write. Write and listen to empowering tapes and read every book you can get your hands on. For me, if I began to get down, I wouldn’t allow myself more than a day to sit in the depression, I forced myself to pick up something that I knew without a doubt would pull me out, Tony Robbins always works for me to this day.
You get to decide the rest of your life. You said that you can’t get to the counseling yet, I would suggest reading Self Matters by Dr. McGraw. This book was like counseling for me. It really helped me move on.
We are here for you and will do all that we can do to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I really needed to find this site tonight. It’s been almost a year since I escaped. I had to plan it carefully. I had to abort our child because I knew it would have a life of hell with that person as the father. I initially called the police when still pregnant last April but they said there were mitigating circumstances because I was pregnant. I didn’t want to be connected to him for the rest of our lives through the child. I loved the baby while I held it inside me. I did not want to let it go. It is the worst thing I have ever done and I feel so guilty. I saw the child after the termination. It’s little hands and feet – I wanted to put it back inside my body, to protect it but I knew I couldn’t. I left town for three weeks last July. I went to do some courses in the city, courses related to my job that would egage me and empower me. I ended it and cut off all contact and arranged for a friend to stay when I returned home. Home didn’t feel like home. I was so afraid, I am still afraid. I have just been downstairs to check the doors are locked. I called the police again when I got back from the city because he wouldn’t leave me alone. He just kept coming. I’d see the security light go on in the garden and a dark figure walk past the door and I would panic. I found him creeping half way up the stairs one night and that was awful. If my door was unlocked at night (I live in the countryside in a really safe area I was used to leaving the door unlocked – naive) he would come in and get in bed with me. The police gave him a warning and then another because he ignored everything and would sleep in the garden. So the court case was in December and I got a restraining order for one year but I’m frightened of what will happen after the year is up.
I don’t trust anyone, a friend was supposed to come to the hospital with me and stay with me for the termination but she left and went shopping for clothes coming back late. I can’t believe she did that knowing what I was going through. I met a guy recently and my warning bells went off pretty soon but this person is known and loved by the community so I am now queen bitch because I don’t want to see him any more because he has an agenda. I just want to be left alone. Every guy I meet – I don’t even know if it is me, maybe I am just paranoid and am reliving my experienceswith every relationship because of the abuse – but every guy seems to want to bully or disempower or patronise and I can’t be around it. I need to protect myself.
So it’s nearly a year and I have been waiting for counselling through the doctor since I was referred in December but I can’t afford to go private. I need someone trained in this stuff to help me, my friends don’t understand what damage was done. I can’t count on them. They think I’m fine but I know I’m not fine. I just work and come home and lock my doors and try to heal the best I can but I don’t want to live like this forever but I’m not sure how to go on. I know, I know – one step at a time, right? But they are just words and they don’t really mean anything concrete or practical. I need something I can actually do.
I’m grateful for this site and for all the posts I can read and I’m sorry you all went through such hard times. I hope I can be as courageous and that in time we will all heal and find happiness.
With Love
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Dear Kirsty,
Thank you for writing, I know it was hard. It will take as long as it takes to heal from this. This is all so raw for you, cut yourself some slack. Maybe you can have a mediator hand off the children, to spare you his crap. I know it is killing you to have your childen go off with him, is there anyone to talk with about this? You are free of him now, it is you who gets to decide how much of a hold he will have on you, not him. We teach others how to treat us, he has been used to being able to control you. It won’t happen overnight, but if you always focus on what is best for you and realize what he is trying to do you will eventually stop allowing him to manipulate you. Find books about self esteem, Dr. Phil’s Self Matters is a good one, the type that help you to stop worrying about what others think and how to deal with issues and move on from your past.
Here is a link to some Recommended Reading at http://www.rebeccaburns.com
The dream of him being the dad and living happily ever after is gone. That is hard to deal with so let yourself mourn the loss, it is like the death of a dream. You can still have the dream, just not with him. You must love yourself more than anyone ever will, then you will have the life you want.
Write again, we are here to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi to all of you have posted on this website,
I am 31years old and have lived in an abusive relationship for 12years married for almost 7 years i have three children and am pregnant with my fourth. In feb this year it got to a point where i was unable to stop crying due to all the control and abuse that was occurring on a daily basis for about three months. My Husband had always been controlling, manipulating would always check up on me constantly and would even not go to work to make sure he knew where i was. He then started taking my transport to work so i couldnt go anywhere screened all my phone calls and text messages and completley isolated me from friends and family. I always made excuses for him it is the alcohol, his mental illness his upbringing but when he lost control one morning and crushed my face with his hand and threatened to smash a coffee cup over my head when i was holding my 10month old daughter i left and had assault charge placed on him. I returned to the family home and he had bail conditions on him i again let him manipulate me into letting him return home the next three months to follow where like living in an absolute hell. Now i have left and three months on i still feel pain and am very emotional every day he has already gained access to my children twice a week and he continues to manipulate and harrass me and beat me down at handovers even though there is a restraining order and it is occurring in the police station. I am having a real hard time i cry every day, he has a restraining order against him and he is contesting that he is also trying to fight for more access through the family court and i am just stressed to the max because i know my children are at risk of harm around him. I really know there is no way but forward but it still doesn’t help that i somedays just want to go home. I guess it is the hope and dream of having a family and bringing them up with Mum and Dad that is destroying me the most but like some of you have already said you cant change a person it is there choice. I thank you for all sharing your stories it has really helped to feel like i am not alone and i wish you all the happiness you all deserve in your futures.
Kirsty
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Dear Katie,
You wrote, “this is the day he’s actually going to kill me”. How sad is it that we will stay in abuse until we are certain this time will be different and tonight he will cross that line and kill me?
Thank you for writing. Your story is very heartbreaking, you are so young. The same age as my son.
You are wise and right, you will never have an answer to why this happened to you. For me, I came to realize how messed up my husband was. It was never about me. He hated himself so much that he used teh drugs and vodka to kill his pain.
As I often write, for everyday you stayed, it will take a day or more to heal. It took ten years for me to stop having nightmares. Things will not be all better over night, this can be a lifelong journey. This will be a part of me and my life always. I will never be in abuse again, I have grown so strong and don’t allow a hint of it in my life. You will get there.
You are so much stronger than you know. Focus on what you want your life to be, not what happened in the past. Focus on tomorrow for it will be here soon. Make life what you always dreamed, for now, the nightmare is over.
Hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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To everyone,
I’m 23 years old and have been in 2 abusive relationships. The first one was during high school and lasted 3 years. He was more emotional and verbal than physical although it did get physical sometimes. It is because of him that nothing can touch my face without me having a panic attack. He had tried to suffocate me with a pillow because I had refused to have sex with him. I even got in trouble for breathing to loud when I had a cold and couldn’t breathe through my nose.
I ended the relationship with him and he quit school and moved to a different town. He didn’t realize the damage he caused me untill he got into an abusive relationship where his girlfriend had treated him the same way he treated me. He had apologized to me and started seeing a counselor so he wouldn’t do that to anyone again. It took a while, but I have since forgiven him and I’m not scared of him anymore.
My second abusive relationship lasted 4 years. He abused me in every way there is (financially, emotionally, physically, ect.). He cheated on me numerous times and always accused me of cheating on him. I couldn’t go anywhere without his permission because he always thought I was lying about where I was going. He was a drug addict. Any drug available he would do, but for the first 3 years it was mainly alcohol. He would drink so much that he would black out and he would beat the crap out of me and not remember the next morning untill he went to give me a kiss and I would flinch. He immediately knew he had done something but never knew exactly what he did until I told him what happened. I ended up having a key to my sister’s house and his sister’s house so I would have a safe place to go in the middle of the night when this would happen. His sister was constantly worried about him killing me and I always tried reassuring her by telling her he loved me too much to kill me. The cops frequented my house by me either calling them (never pressed charges because it was a small town and I didn’t want everyone knowing) or my neighbors calling them. Valentine’s day 2008 he had choked me and I was screaming for help and all I could think was “this is the day he’s actually going to kill me”. I started hyperventilating and he eventually snapped back into reality just in time for the cops to start pounding on my door. I didn’t answer (I was too weak to move) and we just stayed quiet and they pounded on the door for an hour before they finally left.
He broke up with me October of that year and I had to give a statement to the police (this was a couple weeks after our breakup) after he had been arrested for partner family member assault on his sister. I had been there before she showed up. I’m the one that called her because I seen him drink 1/5 of vodka in 20 minutes and knew I wasn’t safe. So anyways, I had to give a statement about what I had seen when I was there and the cop turned off the recorder and asked me about Valentine’s Day. I responded by saying “you already know or you wouldn’t be asking me”. He told me he thought I was dead and if he would’ve heard any movement in the apartment he was going to bust down the door. He also said the pounded on the door so hard that his fist was swollen for over a week.
I moved 280 miles away a month later, but he moved to the town too. I got back together with him six months later after he promised me he would be sober. I didn’t want to but I wanted him to have a reason to be sober because I wanted him to be a better person for his sister and father. He got drunk 3 times the first 3 months and of course abused me, but then he started being emotionally abusive when I thought he was sober. I found him almost dead on my floor from a drug overdose and realized that’s why he was abusive again. I told him he needed to get help or I was done. He stayed sober for a month and a half and became abusive again. I asked my parents for help to get a vehicle since he owned the vehicle and they were working on it. One night I came home and he threatened to kill me and 3 days later I told my parents I didn’t care about the car anymore and told them I was done and breaking it off that day. I kicked him out and my dad changed my locks. It’s been a year since I broke up with him and am still having a really hard time healing. I feel as if he took my life and I can’t get it back. I still have a hard time making friends because I have such a low self-esteem and know it’s from the abuse. I feel like I’m still a victim instead of a survivor. I started going to a support group but it’s not helping at all (we don’t talk about anything of significance) and can’t afford to go to counseling. I often ask myself “why did this happen to me” and know that I will never have the answer to that question. I don’t trust anyone anymore and I hate it and hate him for making me feel like this. I’m so lost and don’t know what to do.
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Dear Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing all that you have been through. You are an encouragement to other women who want to leave or have just left. You sound with all that you have been through that you have come through on the other side. I thank God for your children that you have left, I hope that they too have gotten therapy. My son was only five but at twenty his PTSD is still here. I encourage you to support others, you will inspire many.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I was married to an abuser for 7 years. I met him when I was barely 18 and he was almost 50. I was charmed by his seemingly sensitive, artistic and intellectual qualities. We dated for over a year before we got married. We have three children. He became controlling, verbally and emotional abusive. No matter how hard I tried I just was not going to have the life experience or skill of someone his age, and he was constantly disappointed in me. He would yell at me for hours to the point where I would curl up in the fetal position; rocking and crying. I am not a confrontational person, and I would rarely speak up for myself, or as he would call it “mouthing off.” I had to listen to him, because he thought it was his duty to train me.
It finally came to a head when I got my self respect back, and I stood up for myself more and more. He couldn’t handle it so he started to rough me up a little. It started with pushing, and gripping me too tightly. He always had a drinking problem, and near the end he was drinking an average of two mike’s hard lemonades mixed heavily with vodka, three large mugs of 13% red wine, and perhaps some vermouth to top him off. He also had a fondness for 4 Loco, which have made recent headlines. He wouldn’t drink anything less then 8% alcohol.
I had seen a divorce lawyer that specialized in domestic abuse, and we talked about getting a restraining order, but at the time I didn’t have anything that would stick. One night in a drunken rage he flung me 10 feet and I hit my kids bunk bed in front of my 5 year old daughter. My 4 year daughter was crying and my 1 year old son was saying “I scared.” I got my restraining order. That was 10 months ago. I am almost finished with my divorce, and the sense of freedom is so amazing. He still scares me a lot. I know that I forced myself to forget a lot of what happened so that I could cope. I am going to therapy now, and I hope that I will be able to put this behind me some day. I am 26 years old, and I am so blessed to have family and friends that love and support me. I have a good full time job, and am living successfully as a single mom. Life is beautiful!
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Dear Help,
It broke my heart to hear you say you know you will return to someone that is abusing you. I am not judging you, I just feel so sad to hear you say that you will return, knowing what he has already done to hurt you. You are so young and have been through so much already. You are in No Way, No Way to blame for this, I don’t care what you have said, crossing the line to violence is not your fault. You have in no way caused him to be this way. You have to be responsible for yourself. You are responsible for how you treat others.
I wish I could make you love yourself more than anything. Would you tell a loved one to return to this type of life? No, you would tell her to lobe herself and be alone. You need to stop feeling sorry for him for he is the one that has the control. You need to take back yours.
I beg that you get counceling, you need support. You are dealing with so much and it can be hard to see straight and clear. The best thing that you could do for the rest of your life would be to be away from him for six months and see how you feel. I bet you never go back. It is hard to be alone but better than being abused. Again, you are not responsible for anyone but yourself. You miss him because you love him. It is okay to still love him and not like him. It happens to many of us. We want to fix him and think love will be enough, but sadly, it never is.
Keep in touch, thank you for sharing this with us here, you are not alone and will be here to support you in anyway that we can. Be safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello
I looked at your website by searching how to heal from domestic abuse. I am 24 and I have had to stay with my mum and dad this week to get away from my boyfriend but I know I will go back tomorrow. We have been together for three years and he has started to be violent towards me this year. I am also to blame for it because I started by being verbally abusive, so I think it is both of our faults and we bring out the worst in each other. However, I know that what he did to me was wrong, he lies to me about money and he is a gambling addict. He tells me he had a bad childhood and that is why I stayed with him because I feel sorry for him and I love him, I think I have caused him to be this way. I tried my best not to argue with him or raise my voice but he follows me around the house every time the bills arrive and says I owe him money. He controls me with money, and I am struggling to pay for even my bus fares, he threatens me when I cant afford to py my half of the bills. I cook and clean everyday to make up for it. He knows I cant move out because he controls my bond and wont give it back. Three days ago he pushed me on the floor and threw cleaning products at me, he was shouting at me while I was crying and pushing me and pushing me. I thought it would stop if I did what he told me to but he got worse and worse until my dad called and he got scared.He tells me not to tell anyone. He keeps saying he is sorry and he is sad but I have been ignoring it. I know I will end up going back because I love him more than anyone in the whole world and I feel guilty, I feel sorry for him because he is sad.
I know I need some help. I can’t stop hurting inside my heart because I feel responsible. If I didn’t argue with him he wouldn’t hit or threaten me. I was raped once and attempted suicide, and he brings it up when we argue to hurt me. He said he would take care of me, why does he hurt me, why do I keep going back, why do I miss him so much, why do I love him. I’m sorry 😦 I haven’t told anyone this.
God bless you
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Dear Ashely,
Thank you so much for sharing this. The poem was something and I will post on my other sites. It is amazing what we will do when children are involved. I put up with so much when I realized in a flash of anger he may kill us all. I couldn’t let my son die because I was so weak. It must be horrible to have to see the abuser because you have a child. I was lucky, I had a restraining order for almost 2 years and then he died. Had he not died I would have been back for an order every year for the rest of my life to keep this man from him. I have not been in the shoes of many and I really feel for you, it must be hell. Fight, fight, fight, to stop the abuse. Your child is all that matters.
I hope you will keep us posted.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Jennifer,
Why do we ignore the signs? Not sure, for me, I had grown up in abuse and just minimized it, it was somewhat okay to be abusive. I thought that my love could fix this broken man. It is so true that love is blind. It is always easier to see faults in other than in ourselves or our mates. We all want the perfect life so we try to dismiss the things that make our guts sick. So he swore at me and called me a whore, later he said he was sorry so he was just having a bad day. I loving man, no matter how upset he is with you will never call you a degrading name. He may raise his voice but not resort to name calling. I man that loves you never makes you fear him.
I am glad to hear that you are gone but so sad at what you went through. You are right, if he freaked over that, just image if he hadn’t been sleeping. I understand that you did not press charges as I did the same thing after he tried to kill me because I just wanted it over, didn’t want him near me. I still got the restraining order, I didn’t want him near me. You do what is right for you.
We can’t make another feel bad or have remorse. You need to be the one with feelings and not let him ruin the rest of your life. I was alone for a long time after my husband. Take the time to heal and be around people that deserve you. If you have learned anything let it be LISTEN to your gut. Your gut told you many times that this man was not right. Yet you continued to move forward. This is not blame of judgment, just repeating what you had said to us all. I knew many times things were wrong and I still married and had a baby. We want for love so badly, if only we would love ourselves enough first.
I hope we hear back from you. I wish you all the best in dealing with all that has happened.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I want to extend my best wishes and prayers to all of you! I understand the pain and confusion you’re going through. I have been reading the entries here for the past week and thought it was time I shared my story.
I have been in a relationship with an abusive man for six years. In the beginning, it was the most beautiful and magical relationship of my life. And I have had a few – I am 45 years old. I was so in love with this man. He showered me with gifts and vacations, it was an amazing time.
We had our fights and he would say terribe things, but that was it. At the time I didn’t realize that I was being verbally and emotionally abused. He convinced me (and I convinced myself) that it was because he loved me so much, that he would get so angry.
For years, he managed to keep himself under control. But after I moved in with him 9 months ago, I started to see some big signs. Why is it that we chose to ignore the signs? I mean a woman of my age should know better. My sister, friend and niece were all in abusive relationships and I picked up the signs there.
Well after I moved in, I began to see how bad his temper could be. He would throw things and slam doors for no reason at all. He would just get up and start doing it. I realize now that there was something going on in his mind that he was reacting to. Most of the time, I had no idea what he was thinking. On the rare occasions that I dared to ask, he would say that he had a feeling that I wanted another man or that I was interested in someone else. At the time, I thought it was kind of cute that he would be so concerned. Love is blind.
About two months ago, we had an argument and he grabbed my upper arm very hard! I knew then that I was in for trouble. But at the time, we were looking for a new place to live. We were going to start our “happily ever after” in our new home. So I just chalked it up to stress. But the signs were all there, I just chose to ignore them!
He was manipulative, lying and pressuring me to do all kinds of things – in the name of love, of course. And I was dragging my feet because I had a feeling something was about to go wrong. But I didn’t want to leave. I was afraid I was wrong and that I would ruin everything!
Two weeks ago, we had another argument before we left for work. I really didn’t think it was any big deal. He came home from work and we really didn’t speak because I guess both of us were still angry. I know I was because he called me a lot of terrible names.
I feel asleep on the sofa that night while watching a movie and woke up about midnight. I got up and went to get into our bed when my leg accidentally hit his. Before I knew it, he was on top of me punching me in the head. I can’t tell you how many times he punched me. When he stopped, I got up and he punched me in the back while I was getting out of the bed. I couldn’t believe what was happening! I was in shock. So much so that I actually laid back down on the couch to go back to sleep. And then, a little voice in my head started screaming, RUN! And that is exactly what I did.
I filed a restraining order against him and packed and moved out in 2 days! During that time, I think I was running on pure adrenaline! I just reacted.
I decided to drop the restraining order. He owns a restaurant and I thought having a permanent record would damage his reputation. Now we are trying to get out of the two year lease we signed a week before.
I has been two weeks and I have been going through some crazy emotions. There are times when I wish I just stayed on the couch, and none of this would have ever happened. And then there are times that I am grateful I left because eventually, the day would have come when he would freaked out again! And maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky the next time.
What bothers me the most is that he has absolutely no remorse, shame or regret for what he did. I can’t imagine what he is telling his family and our mutual friends! And, of course, I still love him. I would never go back to him, but I miss him all the same.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest! And thank you for creating this site!
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I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and he abused me in all aspects. I found the will the leave him when he attempted to hit me while I was 3 months pregnant with our son. At that moment, I couldn’t leave for myself, but I could leave for my baby and I was gone the next week. It’s been a difficult journey because I still see this man and speak to him because of the child we share. He has continued to be verbally, emotionally and once even physically abusive to me in front of our son. We go to court at the end of the month and I’m praying the court will see the kind of man he is and will help me in protecting myself and my son. I wrote the following poem depicting my journey and my realization. I could only be his victim as long as I allowed myself to be and I refuse to be his victim. I hope you all enjoy this poem:
-NO MORE- By Ashley P.
A life that has for so long been controlled by manipulation and fear, So many times left broken and in tears.
Broken bones and bruises followed by promises allowed to heal, Names and accusations, confusion at the appeal.
Was it really appeal, or just a distorted view?
A victim of the lies, a victim of “I don’t know what to do”.
Attempts to do what’s right, attempts to inspire change,
Feelings of defeat when things remained the same.
A will to be happy, a will to stand fear in the face,
Determination to finally escape this dreadful place.
Emergence out of darkness, finally able to see the light,
Finally the courage to stand up and fight the fight.
No more being afraid, no more running away,
No more looking back and living like yesterday.
No! no more being afraid, not one more excuse,
No longer a victim, but a survivor of abuse.
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Dear Jen,
I am so happy you are out. Yes, abusers most definatly feed on the fear they cause, that is one of the main reasons that they do it. I have heard of the book that you referenced and am happy to hear that it caused you to leave, that was the point.
I am not sure if you are alone or with family but your decision to leave the state was a good one when you can. The distance is always good. Make no contact with him for any reason. I strongly suggest that as soon as you can that you get into counceling to support you in dealing with what has happened, especially being drugged.
We all need to feel safe and secure and you heart must be longing for it. I wish that I could bring you some peace. Keep in touch, this is a supportive place to be and we will all do our best to assist you on this difficult road to recovering from abuse. I hope that you have the support that you need around you, if not find it, you do not have to deal with this alone.
I wish you all the best that life has in store for you Jen.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I just fled 3 states to flee an abusive man. He was also drugging me. I’m not sure how I’m going to go forward. I’m not young and still baffled at how I got in this. One of the main things that got me out was a book called “The gift of fear” even a police officer recommended it, but also Oprah. The book probably saved my life. There was one line in that rang out to me. It went something like this: when two primal needs conflict 1. the need to be protected (be with family) and 2. the need to be free from danger, human beings generally freeze. The fight =flight response doesn’t kick in–it freezes.
That is what seems to taken me so long to get out! I wanted out within a couple of months. I just couldn’t do it. I’m out now, but afraid that he will find me. I have never been so scared in my life. Do you think abusers feed on that fear?
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Dear Angie,
I was sad to hear you are living in the fear of your ex again. Especially after finally sleeping well and trying to move on. My advice, keep your life far away from his, you will have to find new place that he does not go, keep the locks and windows barred, keep the restraining order enforced, eventually, he will move on from you.
You are not the one in the wrong, if he shows up at your work, you call the police, you let others know what is going on, this is nothing for you to be ashamed up, you are not the abuser. We are here for you and you are the reason that I created this site so long ago to support women like you to have the strength to make it through the aftermath, many think was the abuser is arrested all is great, it is so far from the truth for now you live in the fear of the unkown, what will he do, will he do anything.
Just don’t put all of your focus on him, be safe, be smart but live your life too. Do the things you want to do and stay safe, surrounded by people who love and protect you. Never go anywhere you feel you will run into him, he doesn’t sound like the type that would just let you walk by without putting you in fear and danger.
Seek support and counseling. Don’t let him take another day of your life, find ways to let the fear go at night, try to sleep. It will take a long time to recover from this, especially if you live in fear of him now. Seek the support you need. Let me now how we can support you hear.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and my hope is to get my favorite post where you tell me it has been a year and your life is so much better and you are finally in a safe place. We are here for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi,
I forgot I wrote on this site and today I was feeling pretty low so I searched how to heal from dv and there I was posting on this site. It reminded me of how I was feeling in that moment. Since then I went to court and he was found guilty of domestic violence, they dropped the criminal sexual conduct because its too hard to prove and he got 4 months… this man is now out and less than a week went by he was at my friends house.. today he called my sister, now they have to make the police reports to show hes violating the no contact order, Im afraid he will call my job or come here while I work. ( I work in a pediatricians office in a hospital) Every time I turn the corner of healing i feel like hes there trying to get to me. I take this seriously due to his past, he did 6 yrs for stalking and he beat his ex up pretty bad in a bar. I wont go out to the places I like to go because I know hes from that area. I slept so soundly while he was in jail and now im double checking my locks and windows even though he doesnt know where I live. I am so greatful for this site. Thank yous o much for letting me vent about my feelings. I have a post it note by my door so every time i walk out the door, i read “He will never change and its a false sense of security”
Take care,
God Bless
ANgie
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Hello JJ,
I am so glad that they put him away. Sad how they make us try to think things were not as bad as they really were. I am so sorry that you had to see this happen to your mother too. Once I pitied him it helped me to stop hating him, I hated me more. He was a drunk of a man that hated himself so bad. I am happy to hear that you have found a way to heal your heart, mind and soul. That is the most important thing now. If you become strong now, you will break out of this cycle of violence. Bless you and your familly too. Keep in touch and let us know of your recovery.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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hi,
just want to say how inspiring and courageous you all are, i recently had my husband arrested for assaulting not just me but my mother infront of my children. this was not the first time for me but i was so shocked he repeatedly punch my mother and threatened to kill her with a knife. in court he turned it over saying i victimised him with the help of my mother it was awful and demoralising having to relive the incidents and be branded an abuser. i was in pieces i got very depressed, at court being ripped to pieces by his lawyer i thought they dont believe me and hes going to walk free, but shocked with the verdict as he was found guilty. his crime was too serious to be sentenced at magistrates court so now passed to crown court for sentencing. although it maybe over but it doesnt feel that way because there will be appeals etc. so i may have to go back to court again.
i just want to say that even after the courts etc that those emotional, physical and psycological feelings take time to heal. the anger has gone now because i infact pity him that he has to lie and still feels he done no wrong. but i have found strength in spiritual healing as in Reki healing which has done wonders to my well being and peace of mind, i recommend this to everyone, if i never found this i would be so suicidal.
i am trying to get on with my life with my children and the support of my family.
takecare
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Hello when is it enough,
It is enough today. You wrote, However, when it comes to relationships I believe I can change or the guy will change for me. With all of the therapy you have had this should be the number one lesson to learn. It is a hard one but, YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. If you want to help others change that want to change councel or coach but don’t find a man and think you can change him.
I know how hard it is to change things within myself that I want to change. The very hardest lesson I had to learn was that no matter how much I loved my husband and stood by him I could not change him. When I finally relized this is was a big eye opener.
You stated you have so many goals to accomplish, focus on them. You need to fill yourself with the things that make you happy. Remember what I always say, you show others how to treat you. If someone treats you badly, be gone. Don’t wait for more.
You are never alone lady, we are here for you. I would suggest a really great book, Dr. Phil Self Matters. It helped me to put the focus on me and not what others thoughts or not living in my past. I would also like to suggest that you write, you may read back and see things that help you.
Heal your physical wounds and take extra care of the hurt in your heart. Do things that make you smile, enjoy sunshine on your face. You do not deserve what you are attracting, you are too smart and have too much ahead of you.
Write again, and I am sending an extra hug out your way.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Other bloggers, I encourage you to help this friend and encourage her here. We have all been in here shoes, lets help her to know she is not alone.
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I am 25 years old ethnic women. I have been though lots of hardships in my life. I have went to therpy as a child to about 22. I have worked really hard with bettering my life. There are moments were I have seen my hard work payoff. However, when it comes to relationships I believe I can change or the guy will change for me, and time again I learn the hard way. I believe it is because my soul craves love and affection. Being a young women that has been in therpy most of her life and has all the information and tools, has learned that I dont always till this day deal or leave situations before its becomes dangerous.
I have just recently life a physical abusive relationship. I have lots of bruses, my head hurts, and certain parts of my body are very sore and my heart is broken. I have so many goals to accompish with college and working, but I feel like just sleeping and eat a little. Thank you, to all the domestic servivers saying their story .I dont feel very alone anymore. I am going to do my best with the steps that have been recommended on this site.
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Dear Angie,
I am glad you found this site too. You said it all, “I should have seen the signs from day one but i wanted to be loved so badly that i got sucked in.” We need to learn to love ourselves first, as corny as it sounds. I wanted the same thing, I had grown up in abuse so I minimized everything he did to me in the beginning.
I was happy to hear you got the protective order, make sure that you call the police each time he violates it. I was also glad to hear you are moving, sometimes the distance is needed. If you feel he has a gun if you request a hearing he can lose the ability to carry a gun.
It is okay to miss the good times but the bad normally outweighs them. You need to find a man that deserves you. You did not deserve him or what he did to you.
Crying is good, it cleans you out and helps you to move on. You can’t change what happened and what you son saw, you can only move on from today and show him that he has a strong mother who will never allow this type of abuse into either of their lives again.
The pain will slowly fade, I promise. You will someday find friends, like you now have in me that will understand.
You should be proud, you have left, many women don’t until it is too late. You have already decided, the cycle of abuse has ended for you and your son. I will always be here along with the other supportive readers on this blog.
I hope to hear from you again. Sometimes just sharing and venting about what you have been through can help you get through a day. Be well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi there.
Im so glad i found this site, I was with a guy for almost a year and he charmed the pants right off of me. he had a record and did time for aggravated stalking but a friend of mine knew him from before and agreed with him that he was a changed man. I should have seen the signs from day one but i wanted to be loved so badly that i got sucked in. He threw a cup and gave me 5 stiches in my eye brow forced him self on me to make sure i wasnt screwing anyone else and most recently broke my finger when i tried to leave. I got a ppo and made a report, the police did pick him up when he came to my window asking to come in and take a shower and get some clothes, i called the police and a few hours later they picked him up. He was charged with domestic assault, criminal sexual conduct 4th degree and somthing else that i cant remember. hes been in jail almost a month now. I am so conflicted with my feelings. I am so happy that my son and i are safe but i still feel scared at night like hes going to get out and come after me. I am moving this weekend to another part of the county and i have changed my number. I cant believe how much I miss the good times and minimize the bad even though emotionally and physically i have suffered so much. I want to make healthy choices for myself and my son. He didnt see the abuse but saw and heard me crying alot. Its amazng how much pain i feel and how many tears i have shed. my friends dont seem to understand. I want to end this cycle of abuse…thanks for listening..
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Dear S Mary,
It is always heartwarming to hear that someone has left and decided no more. I will not lie, the next few months will be hard for you. Throw yourself into your recovery as if your life depended on it, it does. Do what makes you feel good, rekindle what your old passions were. Read inspiring books, listen to inspiring music. Set new goals of a life without abuse. Self love, you need it now more than ever. Mostly, be proud and don’t dwell on any guilt of what was. Deal with the pain or it will kill you. Write here often, we are here to support you in any way that we can.
Sharing your story will show other young women that they too have the strength to leave.
I am saying an extra prayer for you today.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca xx
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Dear Ladies,
I am below the age of 25 and 7 months ago broke free from an abusive relationship and could not be happier after taking this to court and having him found guilty I know face the healing process which is hard and I need a pick me up after all the shock and pain I have experienced
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Dear Cassie,
I have chills as I read your post. Thank you for your gut wrenching honesty. You ended up with the worst of the worst from what you wrote. I am sincerely grateful that you are gone. You sound like a hell of a strong lady to see things as you have. I hope that the time away has helped but realize that the new few months will be extremely difficult. Surround yourself with a great support system to help you heal and keep you strong. You will have really sad times and really happy one, someday soon, may they all be happy.
Welcome to the other side, freedom to be Cassie. Anytime things get hard in the future remember the hardest moment being with him and it seems to get easier as nothing will ever be that bad again.
I hope we all hear from you again soon. This blog was written for others just like you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Rebecca,
First off I would like to say that I Thank You for creating this site! I recently (Tuesday January 12, 2010) left an abusive relationship that is/was bodily,verbally and mentally abusive. He is a Bi-Polar whose first wife of 20 years had left him for another man (Imagine That)! Although I still feel I am so lost right now, I do have an awesome support system of friends and my son (who just recently moved here to Arizona. He said he moved here to attend college, yet I do believe that after his visit in July of 2009 he seen I needed him! Thank God for nudging him my way, it has made me much stronger. Babbling I know yet I have held this in for so long and woke up early and started to research “How to heal from Domestic Violence” and found your blog. My mind is still racing from the turmoil I have been through. The only thing that has kept me sane is my online courses at College. It was the only out I had and he hated that always told me I was playing on the internet and talking with other men. About every 4-5 weeks he would get inebriated and beat the crap out of me and of course the next day he was sorry but yet I had asked for it, if only I would keep my mouth shut that would not have happened! Whatever. I am not a punching bag, a bad person, or a cheater. Yet I was always on Pins and Needles when he came ho me from work because I did not know what kind of mood he would be in. I was called a Bitch, Cunt, and a worthless slut on many occasions and was not allowed to have friends, whenever I did make friends he would do everything in his power to ensure that they would go away! He even went so far as telling me a girlfriend of mine was gay (no offense to those who are) because we hugged each other and said Love ya when we parted. He knew my friend had been in a relationship similar in the past and did not want her helping me. Anyway I know that I am talking in circles because I am still confused and have so much turmoil in head that I feel like I am clouded and have no clear judgment at the moment however, I have come to realize that I am better than this and can not and will not be the “victim of this man anymore! He agreed to get help which lasted about a month when I left him before. He only went long enough for me to return home and then quite the therapy. Once again gradually it became the same cycle of me not being able to go anywhere without him, having no friends and even tried to keep me away from my son. All I know is I am done because I do deserve better and really need someone who can steer me in the right direction. Right now, my son has gotten me out of that house and a friend has taken me 100 miles away for a week in order for me to gather my thoughts (my cell does not work here either no drama!) Although, I am returning to the city on Friday I feel that with the support system I have and finding this website that I will be strong enough to overcome my insecurity, fears of dying and last but not least, my dignity.
Once again I thank you for being here as a support system. You are a strong and Awesome women!
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It is not you. Thanks for sharing your life so openly with us. Many will benfit from your honesty. I applaud you for realizing he will not change. To hear that you are only celebrating a 1 year anniversary and living this may should be a big sign that this is not good. I say the hell with others and his family, they are not living your life. When my husband died his mother blamed me out of greif, saying I drove him to be so heartbroken and he drank himself to death when I had him removed. My bad. He died so that I could live without fear of being stabbed in my sleep. I understood her standing beside her son, I too would mind but I would only help him help himself. My husband grew up in a family of drunks and denials, that is all he new.
You are a strong woman, I can tell. I hope that you will visit again and encourage others to leave abuse, seek what they deserve in life. You go girl.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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We should eat green vegetables. We should do exercise daily. We should do jogging every morning. We all should always be happy and should not cry.We should take precaution if there is spread of disease.
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My husband left on Thursday I asked him to leave because i realised this man is helping me live in an abusive relationship. There has been no contact since I love this man dearly, but cannot cope with the fact he gets utterly plastered with alcohol every 6 to 8 weeks,its like living on a rollercoaster. What happens i retaliate by throwing him out, I have never hit anyone but i realised i was hitting him after he was verbally abusing me.When he was drunk once he wispered in my ear that i a slag, etc etc (first wife left him for another man…I wonder what drove her ??? The police were called once and they said he was treating me like a doormat..In turn his family is treating me like a doormat as well whats happended there is they side with him,,not seeing the alcohol is the problem,,they are saying he is drinking because of me,,.I am his soulmate…He is mine ..The alcohol has ruined everything…….No i forgot he has ruined it because he wont see a councellor or take responsibility for the abuse when he drinks..He has issues with family aside from me..I have strong naturally postive spirit but he constantly tries to put my flame out …When things are good ,,they are SO SO SO. great .When bad that turns to SOS. SOS…Our 1st anniversary is next Sunday I logically put it that as the meerkats say,,,,itz seemples…he aint good enough for me…needs to raise his game ….seemples…I dont need negativity…. on the earth once and only once ….He is not the loser as maybe he didnt want to win me,,,I am a winner because i am on the road to build my sanity again. Accept nothing better that the best for you. Not anything less……..x
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PS, it’s safe to email me directly.
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Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
I am currently trying to move out of the apartment I share with my abusive boyfriend… not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally and verbally abusive. He is extremely manipulative and cruel and I’m trying to gather my strength because I know in my heart that no matter what he says to belittle me when I go, I know what I have to do. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate what you have written here. I just need to know I’m not alone in going through this.
Thank you.
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Dear Shane,
I applaud you for writing here. I logged in just to respond to your post. You don’t realize that by what you have shared today you will help others. Men and woman who batter that know it is wrong and want to stop can help end this abuse.
It may be too late for you but you can’t let that stop you from getting help. What you did doesn’t make you who you are. What you do from here on out does.
After my husband died I was able to forgive him and really see his pain and why he abused. He loved me very much, he just hated himself and I was the closest to him so I took all the blame for his pain.
It didn’t excuse what he did to me but years later it did help me realize why he was the way he was.
I encourage you to continue to seek support. I also encourage you to share your story as you heal from this and learn why you did what you did. The past is gone, we only have today.
I will create a post just for you here like I have done for others if you would like to come back now and then and post. You will encourage other men and woman that don’t want to abuse anymore. It takes one punch to ruin a life and it takes one decision to change it for the good too.
You have made that decision. I really do wish you all the best. I pray for your families well being. This is your journey, not thiers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Rebecca,
i realize that i am not the person that you are writing this blog for. I am the exact opposite. I am the batterer, not the victim. I was the one who lost my temper; I was the one who “couldnt walk away”. My wife and i have been married for less than a year; way too early in our relationship for this to happen.
I realize that abusers dont fall into stereotypes but i feel that i am the exact opposite. I was, and still am, a loving husband. I dont belittle my wife; i dont put her down or try to control her. As I have told her over and over again “i married you because you are a independent woman”. This is still one of the things that i love the most about her. Where we went wrong is when we argued. See, she and i both are victims of our childhood. mine sexual abuse by a family friend, and hers physical by her father. When we fought we both ‘push each other’s buttons’ causing the fight to continue escalating which is were i wronged her.
My wife has now left me for her family back in Dallas. She has taken her two children; who i loved like my own. She also loves my children as her own despite the fact that my children’s mother does everything in her power to make my wife look bad in the children’s eyes.
I guess i dont know why i am writing to you. Maybe it is because i want someone to know; someone who doesnt know me to know that i am trying to change. I voluntarily drive 1.5 hours both ways twice a week to attend a batterers intervention meeting. I scour the internet looking for anything that i can read to help me change. I know that my wife will never be able to forgive me for what i have done; i have taken her self respect; taken a loving family away from her children; and have placed her in a situation out of control. I just wish that i could have changed before things got out of control.
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The ways that I have helped myself to heal from past abuse and neglect in my family was initally (not the right way) just think about it on my own, work and go out to socialize. My first step towards really putting this behind me was just before my 26 birthday. I wrote a letter to my father about the ways he talked to me and how they made me feel bad (this was one of my many attempts towards a healthy relationship with him) only to get abusive words back, telling me that my reality was wrong. For the past years I have lived with my Dad it has been abusive physically, mentally and emotionally and I moved out at 20, moved back in and out again at 21 years old because it got so bad. I continued a relationship with him, he was actually being nice by taking me food shopping etc (but really starting the cycle of abuse back up again) which I can see clearly now. My mother is a substance abuse user and I don’t see her anymore either. It’s a little easier for me to understand my mothers situation because she was never really cruel, although I admit she did hurt me alot too.
It’s hard because there are no definite answers towards healing. Initially when I felt lost and helpless and didn’t no where to turn I prayed for answers which lead me to insightful books like “A course in miricles” which lifted my spiritis. I did research about abuse, causes and effects and also narcissism. I also looked up ACOH. In the meantime I am speaking with a therapist weekly and he lifts my spirits. As far as whether I think he is totally the right one, I know he is a good therapist.
I’m just focusing on the future at this point. As mentioned I know that I have a healthy base as far as not having a relationship with an abusive person and my mother either who is totally not capable of having a healthy relationship due to her drug abuse. I know now that I need to accept them for who they are. I know they both have to follow their own life path, such as I.
I’m not going to lie, it’s hard sometimes especially rebuilding your emotions in a health way. I am a very emotionally driven person and had to repress myself for a really long time. I’m just happy I can speak out about this to help others, and know that I am certaintly not alone!
Amen, god bless and xoxoxo’s to all of you. Keep on believing in yourself!
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Dear Diana,
First I know it took courage to share what you have here. Next, don’t ever let me hear you say your abuse or what you went through was trivial. I was hit only a few times but the mental and emotional abuse left bruises that will stay with me forever. Accept what happened to you for what really did. You are going to have to go through some stages in order to heal. My biggest wish for you after reading your post is this, that you take the much needed time you have know and place all of your focus on you. That means crying a bunch, feeling guilty that you may still love him, crying some more, cleaning out that storage space (the one in your head too) and finding out that you really want in your life. The benefit of being so young is that if you can gain the much needed confidence and respect for yourself now, you will walk away from any many in the future that has the potential to cause you any harm.
I very much understand how you feel lonely and actually miss that man that has hurt you most. Friends dont’ understand that, only someone who has been in your shoes really can. Even though I rarely had good times with my husband I missed him. I would later realize it wasn’t him that I missed, rather what I had wanted him to be, plus suddenly being alone is scary. I hope that you will seek support, read encouraging books and most of all, learn to be alone and enjoy it.
Being alone was the hardest thing for me. You may have already read that here.
Tonight you have made me gratful one again that I started this blog since you are the exact woman I created it for. Living the way you did can really isolate you and warp your thinking of what is good and bad. Just take your life and recovery one day at a time. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and try to do something each day to move you towards feeling better.
I never consider a post here as jibber jabber so you feel free to post any old thing.
You will be in my prayers tonight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I’ve been sitting here reading every entry in your blog for the past hour or so…
Tonight is one of “those nights” for me. I’m sure you know what I mean…
I just turned 22…and was in an abusive relationship for almost 3 years. It ended at the beg. of this year when he ended up getting arrested b/c after one of our worst episodes I jumped out of his truck at a red light…bleeding of course. Fate was on my side I guess b/c low and behold a cop was sitting one car away and saw me running through traffic. Thinking about that night still rips me apart – he’d told me that I’d better hope we’d come to a red light or god knows what he was going to do. I thought I was going to die that night. Wouldn’t you know it that the light we came to was the last one at the edge of town…past that was woods. for miles.
I don’t know what point I’m trying to get at. I’m just feeling lso ost tonight – like unfathomably lost. I’m not a talker about these sort of things…half the time I’ll go to try and explain what happened or how I’m feling and I just draw a blank – and my friends just don’t get it. And it’s not just tonight – it’s a lot of nights. All I can do is cry and cry and cry. And I don’t even know why. The worst part is I find myself missing him so much – and I know that’s the stupidest thing to do. I’m just so empty. But your blog has helped me. Some entries made me hurt with this sort of pain that i can’t explain and brought up things I’ve tried somewhat succesfully to block out. But others gave me hope…
I know its weird. I’m 22…I have my whole life ahead of myself. Most abuse stories come with kids and ex husbands and the whole nine – it makes mine sound almost trivial. Although a broken nose is hardly trivial. I’m rambling a whole cluster of thoughts right now.
Thank you though for your writings…consider me a regular reader from here on out. It’s time I start trying to heal. I’m not quite sure how to go about it – in the past months i’ve just kind of self medicated with partying and letting all of my responsibilites go to complete crap. My furniture is still in storage with the rest of my life – and I’m dreading actually unpacking. Dreading actually moving on and dealing with this…picking up the remnants of what was my life and basically living. I’m so scared of what I’m going to find in myself. And I’m scared i’m not strong enough.
Thank you though…because your blog really helps to make everything seem that much more doable.
And sorry about all the jibber jabber.
❤
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