I was thinking today about the first year, almost eleven years ago now when I had first been free from my abusive husband. Most would think it would have been the time of my life. Granted I was so grateful that I was not now dead and that my son and I were physically safe for the moment.
Mentally I suffered as if I was still being abused. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at night for years because for the last year of our marriage my husband would get drunk and then torment me for all hours of the night, jumping on top of me while I slept and jabbing me with knifes telling me to scream because he would just slice my throat as the police pulled in.
Being abused in this manner is like being kidnapped and tortured for ransom but you will never have enough to pay off the kidnapper.
So what did this blog hope to accomplish? Just that even though you are away from your abuser give you self some slack, everything will not be suddenly better over night. It takes lots of self love and forgiveness. It was easier for me to forgive my abuser than it was to forgive myself. After all he was a drunk and a fool. What was my excuse?
Even after all this time this is still such a part of me. I hope that this blog is helping those who come. I am always amazed at how many are reading it. If there is anything that I can provide here please feel free to just ask.
If you are still suffering years after the abuse seek treatment, the anxiety can be managed. I refused medication for years and finally gave in. I was only on it for a short time and it helped me deal with the anxiety while I learned the coping skills I still use today.
Marina,
Yes, you are not alone. I am not sure why your post is just now showing for me? The hardest part for me was the alone time, once you conquer that and learn to look forward to it, the world changes for you. Wishing you peace and happiness.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Marina,
You are so not alone. The silence when I was alone was horrible, I had lived in such turmoil daily that suddenly being alone with myself was overwhelming. Learning to be alone is the key to healing, now the anxiety will come and be ready for it, have things around you that calm you, certain music, a nice candle, book. Happy to be here for you. You can heal and be better for it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I truly appreciate you sharing your story.
My relationship with my abuser ended six years ago with my abusive husband being taken from the home by the police. I buried myself in my work and did everything I could to avoid dealing with the pain and the hurt. I felt like a fool, and when my physical scars healed, I just ignored the damage to my spirit. Lately, i have been suffering from anxiety. My daughter is gone and now that I’m alone with my thoughts I am forced to deal with the past.
Hearing your story has helped me realize I am not alone…
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Hi Leah,
What is normal? But yes, many on here share the same things, a delay in it all hitting them. I was frozen by mine, had anxiety before but never full blown until he was gone. Anxiety is different for everyone. When from abuse, I feel certain it is because you have stuff to deal with, it surfaces until you let it out, deal with for what it was. I know that sound very high level but it is time for you to stop pushing things down. It can be a good thing especially if there are things holding you back, this may be why. Let me know how are you handling things and what we can do to support you.
Love & Peace,
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Hi I’m 25 and I have 4 children by two different men. They were both mentally and physically abusive-i have been apart from my ex for a year and 6 months and I’m only just starting to suffer anxiety attacks? A Lot of repressed memories have started to surface and I’m just wondering is it normal to be so numb nearly 2 years after you escape the abuse?
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Dear Gwen,
I got a shiver reading your post, I am so happy that you see you are not alone, it is a part of what you went through and normal. Be honest with those around you and seek help. Medicine helps for a bit but really knowing what to expect when they happen and ways to prevent and get through them is key. I hope some of the tips will bring you needed relief. You are all that matters, everything else takes back seat. The worst thing that can happen if someone cheats on you, they lost you. Demand respect from yourself and others all the time. Don’t worry about what can happen, enjoy what is. Your fears will take the good times from you if you let them.
I wish you all the best in life.
love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Rebecca,
I was googling if anxiety attacks were related to previous abuse and was relieved to find this. It’s been almost a year since I finalized a restraining order against my ex-boyfriend. The last time I saw him he was holding a knife blocking my front door as I held out 2 yr old daughter in my arms. He’s threatened to kill me when I refused to have sex, accusing me of being a whore who probably slept around. Of course there were other things. I had no idea that it was a form of rape to keep someone in so much fear that they could never refuse. I used to just lay there… Afraid and powerless as my daughter slept beside me.
I’ve had 3 anxiety attacks this year. I thought it was related to old age (I’m 34) and a new job, plus the stress that comes with being a single mom. Reading your blog, it was a relief to see I was not alone. The most recent attack came this weekend. I had reconnected with an old high school boyfriend and we started dating. I started getting the attack when he was not replying to my text. This overwhelming feeling of rejection and panic came over me. I couldn’t breathe, felt nauseated and wanted to just run away from him. My automatic response was to assume he would abandon me or not love me so I should cut it off.
There are so many other things that made the attack worse like thoughts of being chested on, not being worth it, being bad in bed… I honestly cannot enjoy sec because I get flashbacks and it leaves my partner feeling frustrated.
This blog made me feel like I was not alone and that I should be patient with myself. I had no idea I was still damaged and the anxiety attacks are part of it.
Thank you so much. I am going to seek treatment now.
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Dear Kim,
To say I was only hit once, just the threat of fear is enough. He set you back, you are the one the one that gets to decide if he has destroyed you. Don’t decide that, you can rebound from this. People have come from nothing and made something, you will do that, want it more than anything. I know you can do it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I was only assaulted physically twice. But I was mentally and psychology assaulted almost constantly. It was crazy. He had no boundaries. He would find my vulnerabilities and use them against me. It was complete madness. I had to move out. He May be going to jail. I don’t know what to do. He has destroyed me financially. Thanks.. Kim
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Dear Anonymous,
You are dealing with so much, I hope at this time you were able to find a safer place to be. hard when you realize someone thinks of you as a possession. It is hard to stay motivated on changing things when you live this way day to day. You finally get to that point as the saying goes that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. One day you snap, you find a way. Do you have family that you can relocate near? If you divorce he would have to pay you support with young children. Start little by little to make your plan. He sounds like he doesn’t care if you leave, this is not always the case.
Decide that you want more and actually write your plan. When you are alone, sounds like you are, starting writing a check list of what needs to be done. It won’t happen in a day, it may take you a year but start with baby steps.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear S,
You are right, you are not alone. I had thought I was dying, had no idea what anxiety attacks where. The thing that helped me the most was being prepared for them to happen. I fyou know they will come know what to do, most likely in the original post. Honestly, this is what helped me. Be prepared. Have tools in place to help you change you focus in a minute. If he is not there and you are thinking of him, you are causing the attack, what can be done now to change it, what works for you. I know it sounds simple, this along with other tools will help you. Check for counseling, I had to take a zanax for a few months after the attacks were so bad, then I learned to cope and stopped the med. One day, one minute at a time.
You are dealing with lots right now, it is normal to have the anxiety again. Don’t be so hard on yourself, don’t punish yourself, take care of yourself. Support groups are best, write here or find one just for anxiety. We are here for you.
Keep in touch. Sorry it took so long to respond, sadly site issues.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anonymous – feeling guilty,
The guilt is what kills us day by day. Why should be feel guilty for wanting to feel safe? Why should you feel guilty he is in jail for hurting you? I get it, the only reason my husband didn’t go to jail was I didn’t want to deal with him, just wanted him gone to live his sad life. Just didn’t want him part of my life.
It is okay to still really love him, there are parts and hopes of him that you wanted to love. We wanted a good life and had hopes and dreams. We hang onto that hope of having if all get fixed.
One day at a time sounds so cheezy, it is. What else do we have. You are so young and have dealt with so much. I suggest counceling, especially with all that you have suffered through. You need to deal with what has happened and how to understand and move beyond it. I am not saying get over it in anyway, I am asking you to not let it define you.
Find support, books, writing, faith, blogs and support groups like this one. Talking helps so much, it saved me to let it out and help others. Find something positive to come out of this. Help others to know warning signs, when to get out. Show others how you made it through this and came out on the other side.
The abuse doesn’t define you, what you do from that day forward does. Set goals, listen to inspiring people, go to youtube or edtv and search inspirational speakers, I love my Tony Robbins, listening to him now as I write. Even 12 plus years later, I still need to be inspired someday. I am not stuck in the abuse, just need a reshift today.
Keep in touch, I wish you so much in life. You are not those experiences.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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It is so helpful to me to read blogs like this. I am 23 years old and have been with 3 abusive partners now. The first was so bad I moved countries to start a new life, and unfortunatey My problems followed me across the globe. The second has so far spent 6 months in jail for the horrors he put me through and has 7 diffferent charges against him at present. And the third was someone who I had been friends with for 2 years, and had listened to every thing I have been through and pretended he wanted to help, and then beat me resulting in 2 black eyes among many other things. I am now left to pick up the mess these 3 men have left me with, and the worst part is… I really loved my ex partner who went to jail. And for me, being the person I am, I feel guilty for him being there. I fight with my conscience everyday for what I am told to feel by other people and how I really feel inside. I cant sleep and when I do, I have horrific nightmares. I feel like i’m screaming but no one can hear. I just hope some day I can look back at all this and know its made me stronger because right now I feel weak. I guess you gotta just take it day at a time and give yourself time to heal.
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Hi Carlie,
That post made all the work I do worth it. My goal was so that you knew you were not alone so thank you for your kind words. Funny how after you hear something enough times you begin to believe it. Imagine being with people that encouraged you and said you were amazing and beautiful, soon you would begin to believe it.
For me, after a long time, I started to tell myself the things that I had always yearned to hear, I was smart, nice and worth something in this life. Even at my heaviest that didn’t make me a bad person but an abuser makes you think it does.
Please keep in touch for you are never alone, you have you. Many woman don’t realize the strength inside you. If you can tap into that part of yourself that is meant to shine, the world is yours.
love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Thank you for providing your story. It is nice to know I’m not the only one suffering with anxiety, or just suffering in general, after leaving my husband. I thought that after I left, all would be well. I was wrong. In some ways it was worse as I just never knew if today was the day he tracked me down.
You make an important point about self love and forgiveness. I hadn’t thought about it like that before. I realise that I still believe some of the things he said about me.
Thank you for making me feel less alone.
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I randomly googled “anxiety relief techniques post domestic violence” and found you. I am so glad I did! My ex never hit me….mostly just pushed around physically, but he would torture me for hours throughout the middle of the night singing about how perfect I think I am, getting drunk and waking the kids up, telling me what a useless bitch I was etc. It went on for several years. That was three years ago. He has limited visitation and calls with the kids right now, but somehow, he is in my head…….consuming my thoughts with fear….mostly irrational. The first year or so was not so bad…..adrenaline I think. Now we are in and out of family court and every day that he is scheduled to call the kids brings on terrible anxiety attacks. It feels so real yet irrational at the same time. Reading through these comments, I feel like maybe I am not alone in this struggle….that helps.
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I am a 44 year old woman with two boys. It took me 18 years to realize that my husband never loved me and that I am more like his property than his wife. I am a victim of domestic violence and I do not know what to do. I reported my husband and he was put on a 6 month probation period and no order of protection was given since he convinced the judge (most likely he contacted his friend who is a judge) that I am crazy and have mental problems. I admit that I suffer from anxieties and depression but only because I have blamed myself all these years for his anger and bad temper. It was so bad that I always had to intervened with the boys to listen to their dad to avoid getting him upset.. Whenever my husband and the boys were get into a disagreement, I would somehow get involved in order to prevent my husband from ruining our weekend with his silent treatment towards me.
He abused me emotionally, financially, sexually and physically. The only reason I am living in the same home with him is because I am unemployed and have nowhere to go with 2 boys, 12 years old and 17 years old. Some days I am motivated and then there are days when I cannot even get up from bed. Since I reported him and I broke the silence, he has not spoken to me and refuses to eat my homemade meals. We never shared a bedroom so he goes to his room and shuts the door. My kids were always sick with asthma so I have always slept in their room. Plus my husband turned our bedroom into his office too. I do not want to harm my husband but I do not understand why he is waiting for me to make the moves of getting a divorce. He told me I can leave whenever I want and I can also take the kids with me. But he knows that I have no money. He refuses to move out. He was a military man so he is very arrogant and strong minded. Can you please give me some advice. Thank you…
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My God, I am so sorry for all that you have been through. The immediate aftermath is the worst. You are not sure where he is and that only makes the anxiety worse. Find a good support system for you can’t deal with this alone. Make sure that you safety is a number one priority at all times. Once he is caught, go the full way, restraining order, send him to jail. You need to think of you. You never deserved any of this. I encourage you to visit my site at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com I am putting together resources just to support women in the aftermath of abuse. Be safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Sam,
I am so sorry, I have not been able to respond for so long. You are in a desperate situation. Is there any assistance in your area, truly no where to move? Is there any chance of doing a roommate situation with another single mother? The effects on you and your child will stay with you. I know how hard the anxiety is. If you need to bring your daughter than do so as this is not something you can delay. Staying there you will never get rid of the anxiety. Can you enter a shelter? This would be a last choice and living the way you are now kills you a bit each day.
It breaks my heart the way you feel. Reach out and let us know how we can support you here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Heidi,
Thank you for sharing your site, I was totally impressed and suggest that others take a loock at http://www.well-healed.com You can write to me here or directly at the-laststraw@rebeccaburns.com or rebecca@rebeccaburns.com
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I just went through a terrible ordeal this past weekend. I was strangled and choked, and terrorized for an hour and 1/2, by a man I thought really liked me. It didn’t stop until someone came and took him out of my place. I am lucky to be alive. I’m in a safe house until they catch him, but I also still go to work. I am trying to deal with the panic and anxiety attacks that come over me whenever I have to leave the S. H. to go to work in the morning. Today is day 4 after the attack. I know that I am safely at my desk, but I am still shaking and breathing quickly. My stomach is all in knots, My back is tight. I hate this feeling and I just want to be normal again.
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i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years i have emotionally ended the relationship but currently have to live with my abuser as i have no where else to go. i naively thought if i ended the relationship things would improve but this is not the case the physical abuse happens every couple of weeks or so but the mental and emotional abuse is now part of daily life. i get periods of depression and also of anxiety i was suppose to see a doctor this morning to finally ask for help for these things but i have a 3 year old daughter and my abuser would not get out of bed to take care of her and i couldn’t take her as its to far so yet again im left trying to cope on my own he tells me he loves me he knows i have trouble breathing due to my anxiety i feel like im being suffocated a lot of the time yet his violence and constant verbal abuse continue . all this is scary but the worst thing about all this is the effect on my daughter as soon as he starts shouting she holds on to me and tries to protect me
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Hi Rebecca,
I’m still new to the blogging world so I don’t know how to reach out to you directly but, I’d like to offer a new and exciting resource for women that have experienced DV. Check out http://www.well-healed.com
Let’s Connect!
Heidi
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Dear Melissa,
I am so happy you found this blog. Normal still sucks. It is nice to know that we are not alone in anything, especially our pain. Find the ways to deal with it, little by little it gets better, but only if you learn to understand it and find ways to head it off and deal with the anxiety when it comes. You will find the way, reaching out is a big one. Glad to hear from you. Hope you are doing well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Melissa,
Day at a time so the saying goes. I always say it takes a day of healing for each one you went through at some times. We all heal differently do what works for you. It was close to 15 years ago for me. It feels like a past life, that is why I am able to assist others as I have so moved past my past. It is normal to wonder will things ever get better or stop? You get to decide that, you are the one that puts the thoughts in your heard, as I learned I was the one playing the same record over and over in my head. Finally, I learned to smash the record and play a better one. Keep in touch. I wish you all the best too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi,
It is blogs like yours that remind me that the anxiety I am feeling after terrible abuse is normal. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get a grip on it, but I try to remind myself that my life is getting better slowly but surely, but it certainly is a very long journey isn’t it?
You sound like you have indeed gained more strength through your own journey, and that gives me some hope and I’m sure it gives others hope too.
I wish you the best in life.
Peace and God Bless.
Melissa –
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Hi,
It is blogs like yours that remind me that the anxiety I am feeling after terrible abuse is normal. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get a grip on it, but I try to remind myself that my life is getting better slowly but surely, but it certainly is a very long journey isn’t it?
You sound like you have indeed gained more strength through your own journey, and that gives me some hope and I’m sure it gives others hope too.
I wish you the best in life.
Peace and God Bless.
Melissa –
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Hello Crazy, Overwhelmed Person,
I am happy that you decided to write. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You should read what you have written, it sounds as though you are taking care of everyone else and not you. If you are not healthy and alive how can you care for others?
I encourage you to take at least one hour for you, no one else. During this hour you can do what you want, I suggest that you write a list of all of the things that you tolerate, things that you do not really want to do. Then, day to day, pick one to remove. Do you really need to visit your mother everyday? Can the facility do her laundry?
In regards to the anxiety, I found that is I was prepared and had things to do when one was coming on it helped, I had music that I could put in to change my focus, a friend to call or posting online. I went to the forums, this was why I had created this safe place to vent and get feedback, becuase of anxiety attacks.
I remember when I stopped stopped caring what others thought about me and the decisions I made, it was a freeing moment. As long as you can lay on that pillow at night, happy with you, that is all that matters. Let you ex live his life and get on with yours.
You said that you passion is in counseling women, make that known that this is where you want your focus. Start a blog like this, you have a wealth of information to share. I hope to hear back from you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Trying to recover from a 28 yr. abusive marriage…extreme psychological abuse to me and 2 sons….feel i am so alone…work part time for an abuse shelter and can talk a little to people there but there is always so much work to be done…my job is education but it ends up being PR….when i can work with a client is so much better. Just feel like i spent all those years compensating and i still always compensate…and my anxiety level is getting worse…sometimes it will lessen temporarily….my older son was home from the military and i took off some work time and it was a better week but i have 2 part time jobs and they are related in a way and it seems like no matter what i do it just won’t solve anything. Also my mom is in a care facility and i try to see her everyday, do her laundry, make sure her care is good, etc. It just feels like i can still never be good enough just like i was never good enough in my marriage…i have a son still in HS and after my ex did all he could to alienate me from my sons, things have slowly improved but i see my sons also still dealing with all that happened. They still see their father and other woman. My ex is a narcissist and charms the world, he thinks anyway…total hypocrisy. I have no one even to talk with about the day to day and this is a small town and there’s alot i couldn’t say to anyone anyway. I need to find light and air and peace and freedom. Didn’t even know that what i was experiencing was anxiety attacks until i read about it in some literature at the shelter. I don’t want to feel so broken anymore….
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Dear Judy Clark Cramer,
Thank you so much for your sharing and honesty. Women and men will learn so much from your words. It is okay to love and miss, just love yourself more. We miss what we wanted and hope it to be. Not what it actually was. It is what it was, we are in a place and this person jumps on that weakness. You are doing all the right things, dealing with it and living today the best you can.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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This story repeats itself for many of us….not the exact situations but similar enough that we go through similar reactions. The cycle of abuse does a number on our brains I know that for a fact.
Tomorrow it will be 8 months since I have been away from my abuser. My life has done an about face since. But what still lingers is the haunting of the circumstances. The longer I have been away the more I see that his overtaking of my life started from the beginning and just kept going until I was barely holding on to myself. And now as time has come between us I can see more clearly what he was doing and why. I was not in a good state of mind and health when we met. A disabling car accident 6 weeks prior to our first date made me extremely vulnerable. He got me hook line and nearly sunk me. He ended up controlling everything I did and my money. I lost all of my personal possessions between him and his mother. As I look at it now I know that I ignored the warning signs. I am not exactly sure why. I am now on a road to recovery but at times I find my mind slipping into the thought pattern that I miss him and the life we shared even though it was one of violence and life with an alocholic crack addiction. When this happens I just have to take a few steps away from myself and look at what is really happening. And then I can go on to continue working on reclaiming myself. I send blessings to all that have lived through domestic violence and pray for those that are still trying to get out.
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Dear Sarah,
It was so sad to read your email, I can hear your pain. I remember how you are feeling now. I suddenly had several social anxiety and couldn’t go to the grocery store. I had anxiety attacks on a regular basis. It is hard once you think things are over and worry if he will try to kill you now. The rage is normal too, you are going through all the stages, sadness, anger, guilt, regret, more anger and what now. Don’t beat yourself up, just allow each emotion and each stage to happen. It is like the death of your marriage, plus with the added abuse to deal with and fear. I am here to listen, we allow all the venting that you have and will not judge.
Your fears are real so I won’t minimize them, just take one day at a time for what else can you do. Find ways to make yourself feel safer, bar the windows, carry mace, take self defense. Get help with the anxiety and get counseling if you can, this will help to get some of the things that you are holding in off of your chest. The anxiety can kill you too.
Keep in touch and let me know what I can do help you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I have been out of my abusive relationship(which is still strange for me to say..Abusive I mean) and now I have really bad anxiety. Everything makes me cry and I can’t socialize with anyone anymore. Nobody understands what I’m going through and I’m sick of trying to make them understand. I have three children who are also dealing with all this as I am. I feel so stupid for letting him do this to us and I can’t take the mental trauma away from my children. They saw too much, I waited too long to get us out of there. I’m starting to feel like Im losing it cause I can’t really think straight. I’m not myself anymore and I keep having moments of rage that I can’t get under control. I’m just venting cause nobody else listens or even cares, that’s how I feel anyway but I know deep inside that’s not true. It’s been 11 months since I’ve seen him but now it’s like I see him everywhere, even though we’re in different states…I’m so scared he’s gonna find me and hurt me and take off with my babies. I’m trying not to lose my mind but if feels like I’m losing it
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Dear Jennna,
My god, I am amazed you are alive, that should tell you something. You are tougher than you imagine. Your words should help others, verbal abuse will most always lead to physical abuse. I am amazed you went that long without physical abuse. I wish that I had the answer for you, I can’t even imagine the anxiety that you have, there are ways to cope but I am not the one to advise you on this one. I wish that I had more to offer you. I wish there was somewhere far away that you could move to have a better life, free of the fear of him.
Let me know how I can support you here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I was stabbed 25 times by my husband. We were married for 23 years and have 4 children. He was always verbally abusive and never hit me till that day. He was always very jealous. I live with anxiety and panic attacks. It is awful. Even though he is away at prison I still can not relax. He is up for parole in May and I am more anxious than ever.
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Dear Friend 80,
I would suggest that you do tell, that you call the domestic violence hotline, they can offer the best advice on how to get out. I understand the med thing and you need to be honest, he has hurt you. The anxiety is going to kill you if you don’t see what is. I have chronic back pain too and take anxiety meds when needed. It is what it is. You need to leave now, make a plan and call the hotline….please. THis is no way for anyone one to live. Call 1-800-799-7233.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I HAVE ALSO BEEN ABUSED VERBLY PHYSICALLY EMOTIONALLY, THE THING IS THAT I HAVE 4 KIDS 12YRS 10YRS 7YRS AND 1 YRS THERE ALL YOUNG THEY WITNESSED THE ABUSE HIS KICKED ME DRAGGED ME ON THE FLOOR AND SAYS IT’S MY FAULT THIS LAST ONE HE REALLY HURT ME SO BAD I HAD TO GO TO THE ER HE DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER , BUT KNOW CPS GOT ENVOLVED THE TEACHER FROM MY SONS CLASS 1ST GRADE SAW MY FACE AND TOLD ME THAT MY 7YR OLD SON COULD NOT STOP CRYING I DIDN’T KNOW THIS WAS HAPPENING TO HIM CPS TOLD ME HE COULD NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY OF MY CHILDREN BUT THE FACT IS I STAY AT THE DAY TIME WITH MY MOM AND AT NIGHT I COME HOME TO HIM I AM REALLY SCARED TO LEAVE HIM I CAINT SLEEP AT NIGHT MY HEART IS POUNDING I AM REALLY TERRIFIED I CAINT CONTROLL IT I HAVE A DOCTER APPT BUT SINCE I AM TAKING HYDROCODONE I AM SCARED THAT HE WILL TAKE MY PAIN MED I HAVE CHRONIC BACK PAIN JUST TO GIVE ME A ANTIAXIEY PILL AND SCARED TO TELL THE DOCTER HES HURT ME SO BAD THAT IF I DIDN’T HAVE THE PAIN MED I DONT KNOW HOW I WOULD HAVE DELT WITH THE PAIN. BUT I THINK I NEED A ANTIANXIETY PILL AND LEAVE HIM BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT WERE I WOULG GO I DONT WORK HE NEVER LET ME I NEED ADVICE.
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Dear Terry,
My God that is a lot to deal with. I am so sorry to hear about all that you are dealing with. How we wish it was easy to just pick up and leave our lives. I pray that they keep him in jail too. It is hard to leave with the fear that you are living with everyday. I would suggest that you also try to get counseling if you can, along with the medication this may help you with the anxiety. I can certainly understand the anxiety. Is there a restraining order in place now?
I wish that I had more to offer you but am here for you if you needed to vent. let me know how we can help you here, you are not alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I was encouraged to post this after I saw someone had lived with an abuser for 25 years. That is what scares me about my situation. I have been married 22 years to the love of my life. I don’t know what happened over the years but he changed and I think I just kept waiting for him to snap out of it and come back to me. He developed lots of health problems over the years and took lots of different medication. He is a convicted felon from his younger years for DUI. He also had a very bad motorcycle accident about 3 years ago and his mental state has really deteriated. One doctor told him she thought he was bi-polar another said he has sicotic tendencys. He is very controlling. Every time he would abuse me I would except his apology and think everything was going to be ok. Maybe a year or two would go by and nothing would happen and I would think everything was going to be ok. He doesn’t take his meds like he should and he abuses pain meds and drinks. Over the 20 plus years everytime he did something to get arrested 3 times, he always got out. This time 6 weeks ago he flipped out and and kicked in my door because it was locked because I was home in the evening so before I could get to it to unlock it he kicked it in and had me by the throat with a loaded 44 pressed into my forhead in a rage. I wasn’t sure I would die from being choked or if the gun was going to go off. His mother lives with us for the last 5 years because of her health so she got his attention off me and when she did I ran out the front door in 30% weather and no shoes hiding in the shadows and eventially in the ditch. He came out cursing me calling me every name in the book and shot my car up. With all the gun shots the neighbors called the police and came and arrested him but it took several hours. I too have been having anxiety and trying to deal with it myself but I finally went yesterday and my doctor started me on celexa. Your right when you say its kind of like a death. I finally don’t cry everyday any more but now there is a chance he will get out on bond and I am scared about that. Like I said he has always gotten out before so I am so reluctant to go to the authorities because anything I tell them he will find out about it and make me sorry I said anything. I can’t just up and move. We own our house and I have his mother to take care of that I am stuck with. Right now he is ordered to have a competency hearing which court is set for March 8th. I am so scared they will re-instate his bond. I am 53 and that is what scares me. I don’t want to give up everything and start all over. I have worked at the same place for 28 years. Thanks for listening.
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Dear Naha,
Wow, that was a lot to get off your chest. You asked me, do I go back? Hell no. There is nothing that is every going to change in your life with this man. Anyone that has treated you this way for so long is not going to suddenly respect you. I pray with all of my heart that you stay gone. You are so badly damaged and broken from what this man has done to you. You most definitely are suffering from PTSD and I would first suggest that you get into counseling if you can. Actually, you must. You are like a prisoner, trapped and tortured for many years with no help.
I was glad to hear you say that you know it is not your fault. I pray that you can love yourself like you love your husband. I would pray that you take the next year or two of your life and make the focus on you and your healing. If you were to have that time you would never dream of going back to this man or this life.
Yes, you made the right decision in leaving. Get help, you deserve it. Write again, we want to hear from you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am married for 25+ years to my H. He is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me since I got married, he name called me, cursed at me, kicked me in my stomach and back, slapped me on my face, choked me with manual strangle on my neck. He did not trust me he name called me very badly. He most of the time said that I have no brain or I am stupid. He put my self-esteem too down that I am not seeing myself worth I can only see that I am worthy if I with him. He abused me all type of abuses then call to his brothers and sisters and complain about me and children then his relatives called me and scolded me harshly. This happened all the times. I always forgave him for hitting me and giving me all verbal abuses and act like it is ok I tolerated physical and emotional pain and then pleasing him whatever he wants. This type of my life was until 2007, and then I started to think why I am tolerating all this abuses. Many times he is angrily speaking that he has no interest in life because he married me and I ruined his life. Anything happened to him is my fault. And that is why he is not respecting me and abusing me. Then again I think that he has problem that is why he is abusing me, if I will not tolerate then who will? Then again my conscious tells me but he can get help for that. So I told him we need to get help and he told me that I have no brain and I am stupid.There are plenty of physical abuses during my married life and verbal abuses.
He never respected me or not even care for me, if I am in pain. He owns his own bank account, there is not my name. Financial is all on his name He refused to pay household expenses since 5 years. I tolerated because of my in laws who see my faults and tolerated for my children, Children are now grown up. My children got abused too. My H is very highly (Highly respectable education such as MD, Engineers, Scientist, Lawyer…etc) educated and has a professional job. Outside home, he is very generous and well behaved. He recites our religious scriptures too. Recently last year more than two times he physically abused me. August 2009 he manually strangles with both his hands and I got severe pain on my right side neck and shoulder and head. It is 1 year still I am taking physical therapy for the pain. Recently, month ago he abused me red, and I tried hard to get off his control, , he forcefully throw me down face up when I was sitting and writing, than got all over me forcefully . He was all over my chest and stomach, pressing hard on my chest and force fully put his hand on my face, and broke my glasses , as my chest was pressing hard , I have hard time to breath, I realized, I am going die so, In my life in this kind of situation, in my whole married life first time I said help, then he screamed that why I am asking for help and put his hands on my mouth forcefully again it was blocking my nose so I cannot breath properly, I was so to die, I tried hard to escape from his control then as soon as I got chance I tried harder and got up and opened the window and then he went to living room. Then he took my car key from my handbag, then I called my son, and my friend and I slept on my bed with my handbag and my cell, my son told me anything happened I will call him, next morning I was awake but lying on my bed, he came to my room screaming and took out all my stuff in my room then screaming that where is his car key. I just lied down a. he throw all stuff in my room to find his key, then came to my bed forcefully pulled my handbag, I tried to pull back there were my drivers license and house key. In my beg. I reminded him that yesterday night even he took my car key too. But he was not agreeing and screaming and intimidating me, my heart was pounding then I a asked one lady from my kitchen window to take my handbag, car key too. She asked me to call someone, I said no, Still he was screaming and pulling my hand beg from me, intimidang me I tried to get out of home, as soon as I opened the door he came and closed door forcefully leaving my finger in door and finger hurt, then I went to my bathroom locked it and call my counselor and son. I stayed in bathroom until my son came in the evening , he took me out , we went to docs., and son pick me at his home let my H know he is taking me for safety. I am at my son’s home since then. He did not call me to come back. Should I go back? I do not know what to do? I love him but during 25+ years of abuse. I became so frustrated. Now I care for him .After verbally and physically abusing me he behaves like nothing had happened and why I am sad. He did not care for me or children and abused them too. I do care for him, Since 4 years I put boundary that if my h is name-calling me, verbally and physically abusing me, then asking for sex right away, I am no giving, that make him more violent and I got more physical abuse. There is no intimate relationship, no respect, no caring, no communication, my H just want to get rid of his stress or pain by having sex, or want to control me. I am the object. After physically abusing me, no regret from him, instead of that he is saying you deserve the abuse because you started talking.
Right now I feel hurt but I do care for him, should I go back? Which I feel very sad. I do not know what to do? He watches pornography on computer too. I do not know, since my marriage, he has always tendency to touched girls in inappropriate way (specially girls whom he knows and girls who do not complain about his behaviors) I knew from the beginning of my marriage, but at that time all my society blamed only woman’s, so I should tolerate it. He impulsively acted to girls touching and other things but only those girls who do not complain about his behaviors. I told many times that it is not nice to behave like this after marriage, and he hit me very hard and told me that I were with other boys before marriage that is why he is doing this things and it is not true that I was with other men before marriage, he was the first one whom I was with. And I was helpless, I could not do anything, I was thinking it is ok to hit me as I am his wife. I feel very guilty, because it is my duty to fulfill my h needs anyway but now sometimes I say no to sex to him because he is abusing me, make me feel very guilty, I do not know what should I do, Yesterday I was very sad; I was thinking he is ill, so I should do what way he wants me to do. But sometimes I think it is wrong to be treated like this. I am very confused. Thanks, in this kind of situation how I can behave that situation will get better.
Now I am at my son’s home, but I do not know that I can survive this relationship or just I have to live my life alone at this age as I am married more than 25 years.
Thanks for reading my long post
Reading on this web I became aware that it is not my fault that I got abused by my Husband. I have a good childhood. I have worked in my country and here too. But making priority for my husband and children I did not pay attention to my career. But 30 years ago in my country people thinks that wife‘s duty is to please her husband no matter what, so I was afraid about my social status if I take action for my husband’s behaviors. Because in presence of my in law family, he verbally and physically abused me, many times and they did not tell me what to do , so I was so confused. and I was thinking after couple of years of my marraig that there is something wrong in my husband’s behaviors, but I do not know the name. I came to this country since 15+ years, still I did not know until 2009 that what is going on but something happened in 2009 and just since 2009, I became aware about situation. That may be he has some mental illness. My In law family knew what he has from long time but they did not tell me about it and they were telling me that it is me that is not behaving good with my husband that is why he is getting upset. I was thinking may be how I behave is triggering him to become aggressive and hit me.I understood all situations but I had not courage to confront it.
But still I need some validation that I left my home and came to my son’s home is appropriate decision or not? Thanks for reading my very long post.
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Hello Michelle,
Wow, you have been though hell and back. It is amazing what a person will do to another, someone they are supposed to love. I am sorry that you have been though so much but you sound like a hell of a lady. Just to beable to share as you have is so much. I was with my husband ten years of so, it took being total alone for ten years after just to feel whole again. He did some major damage. Much of mine was mental torture, the physical was nothing compared to the shear fear he instilled in me every second of every day. Next to no one knew what was going on until he tried to kill me.
The best revenge it to have a great life after abuser. Support others, protect and care for yourself. You can change your life, he will always be him. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I sincerely wish you all the best that life has in store for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I feel dreadful for the lady who had to deal with the cop abuser, it never fails to amaze me the power and control and manipulation the abuser uses in order to get the job done.
They use all there intellegance to influence others, they go to extremes that we wouldn’t dare to go to, we would die of shame if we thought about doing half the manipulation and lying that they do…and the fact that stress does not help the memory and concentration and orgonisation skills needed in order to put us on a level playing field with the abuser does not help. We all suffer from it, its the confusion and the confidense we lack that allows them to take our power and control.. We slowly gave it up and we must slowly take it back.We are now at an advantage we are physically free, we just have to allow our minds to be our own again.
I suffered mental abuse from my abuser fro nearly 9 years.
My family thought it was physical because of the power he had over me. I could not conduct a conversation without him…didnt have the confidence to any more, even with my best friends, would’nt even have a social gathering without him there or at least to drop me and collect me..he would tell me this was for my own saftey.
When I did eventually leave him, the police man that helped me was repoerted to the ombusman for assaulting my abuser, as you guessed this ws not true, the abuser was getting word around that no one was to help me no one was past him, he even accused the judge in one of our hearings of be sexist! That made me laugh…true colours! He would get to the police by telling them I wasn’t right and even managed to get my son from a prevoius relationship to reside with him and went to the extreme of taking him to the police to report that i had assaulted him, I had a fight with my son were he held a knife to me I was protecting myself.
He rang friends and contacted the childrens schools advising that he was worried about my mental health.
Thus put me at a disadvantage as i was not playing this game only tyding the mess and proving my innocence.
The police told me we had to sort this out and that it was tit for tat…I’m fighting for my life and mental strengh, I want peace and freedom.
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Dearest Melanie,
I am first so happy that you are no longer in the abuse but you are still living the abuse everyday. You must, must get the counseling and deal with what happened by talking to those you can. Even if just here. That is the only way to move past what happened. Everything that you are dealing with is sadly, normal. You are in the aftermath of the abuse. Grateful to be gone but suffering with the damage it all caused.
You can not blame your current boyfriend for the mistakes of your abuser, if you don’t get the help you need you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with your current boyfriend.
Start a journal, it is always a great way to start getting things out of your head and you don’t have to show it to anyone. Maybe the post from one reader will help you: https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2010/01/15/healing-process-in-the-aftermath-of-abuse-conversations-with-hope/
I wish you all the best, you can do this, you made it this far. Let me know what we can do to help you here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I blamed myself for so many months after what an ex-boyfriend did to me. I tried to walk away several times and after finally doing so, I held my head high. I thought that was the last of my ex. It feels like a part of him is still winning. I cannot trust my current boyfriend and if in an argument he slightly touches me in a non-violent way I react by screaming and start shaking. My current boyfriend and my friends have constantly begged me to get therapy for the abuse I endured. After 2 years, stress-related migraines and panic attacks from the abuse, I finally am searching for a therapist. I hope that like you, I can move on and rid myself of these sleepless nights and constant nightmares. Please pray for me that like you, I can finally live free of my abuser.
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Dear Melanie,
You have wonderful insight, you’ve been lying to yourself …. for so long. Keep on the road that you are on, you are stong, I can see that. I find that helping others helped me more than anything else. It is my mission now, even if I can only offer a few words of support to a stranger.
Yes, this too shall pass, just never let this violence pass you by again. I encourage you to blog too and let us know how you are during this emotional and difficult time. It is a lot of soul searching but you will get there. I just posted a blog for a reader just a few months out too, check out the twitters links main page, may support you too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Thank you for this blog because I left my abusive husband about four months ago and am waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and sometimes experiencing anxiety in the middle of the day if there’s a lull or I have time to think.
I’m 30 years old and have a little bit of money and I job I like. We didn’t have any kids (thank God) so I can make a clean break and truly start over yet I still don’t feel completely at peace.
What I do know based on past experience is that this too shall pass. I have my moments where I feel great and then I wake up feeling anxious and nervous. It’s a low-grade tension that’s hard to describe.
I’ve found a lot of peace by joining a dv support group. One of the most shocking things about this experience is the complete lack of empathy that some of your closest friends have. Then it occurred to me – you’ve been lying to yourself, and subsequently to others, all along. We can’t expect anyone else to make sense out of our own confusion but those who have been through the experience can certainly validate yours.
I encourage all of you, my sister survivors, to join a group or even search online for stories to let you know that “we’re not crazy!”
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Dear Abused by a Cop,
This is the place to vent so go at it. In the beginning for me just having someone to vent to helped me get through the day. You never have to say you are sorry here, ever.
You do have it worse, being abused by a cop adds an extra layer that others may not realize. Who are they going to believe, the cop of you? I had responded to another post and the site that I was able to direct her to was http://www.purpleberets.org. They offer assistance to those and tips of women/men abused by cops.
I wish that I had more to offer but I have never been in your situation. I have always said the worst thing that you can say to a person that was abused it get over it. I too would have had a nutty on your counselor. She has never been a survivor of domestic violence for she never would have uttered those words. I had nightmares for ten plus years, this is my soapbox, I feel I went through this just to support others.
You asked how to we educate, one idiot at a time. Write about it, tell your story. I am in the final stages of a book, the reason this blog was started and adding a story from someone, you, having dealt with a cop as an abuser will help bring awareness to your fight and what others don’t realize. I think starting the chapter from your therapist office visit is a good start.
I encourage others to share their story with Abused by a Cop in hopes of supporting each other. If you know of a specific resources that will help her and others in this situation please post it here.
Let me know if you would like to add your story of recovery and survival in the aftermath of abuse. Your story will be what brings awareness.
The community here will support you. I have created a post with just your story as I know there are many, many others in your situation that will benefit from a supportive group. If you would like to read responses to your story of post anything additional click on the following link: Abused By a Cop.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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So how do you escape the anxiety and stress when your abuser is a cop? I had been divorced for 4.5 years now and after being beaten, CPS/DYFS reports against me, court battles, therapists siding with him etc. etc. – how can someone tell me that I have to not be stressed?? Its long and complex as most of our stories are, but he had my car/house bugged, had his cop friends follow me, broke into our house and abuse me to have his fellow cops tell me despite a RO, he cant be arrested for breakign into his own house…after he used two states for abuse allegations and kidnapped our son, with a bench warrant in hand, the NYPD refused to arrest him and no one knew where our son was – I deal with the courts and their coordinators who think I am the crazy one because he is so good at turning things around to make it look like HE is the victim! At one point during the divorce, the courts appointed a forensic evaluator – after months of court, we found out he was sleeping and moved next door to this woman!!!! I have spoken to Lundy Bancroft, The Batterer as a Parent/Why Does He Do That – and Diane Wetendorf of Abuse of Power, I am a fairly level headed woman who has handled alot – I think I am breaking – or should I say broke – I have trouble breathing, sleeping, just being anymore – during our latest battle, our son’s therapist said, oh get off your DV soap box, he hasnt assaulted you in 6 years – -OMG I wanted to smack her – how do we educate the system – when do we get vidicated – when do our kids not cry because they dont want to go to their dads and get put in the middle – all we try to do as mom’s is protect them and then critized by the courts. I am sorry for venting or talking on your site – I just have hit the wall and feel like I am not able to get my stress back under control – – Not to mention all the other day to day stressors of being a single mom with kids….
I know its a process, and we can only educate one at a time. I tried the DV programs here, but it made me more angry because most of these woman, although share stories, can have their abusers arrested – I CAN’T!!! He is the police – so who do you call?? We as police officers wives fight not only the abuser, but the system….
Thanks for lettign me vent – I do feel a little better – the stress has got to stop soon for my own physical health.
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Dear Angela,
Thank you for posting. We are lucky to be free. The best part is even though someone took so much from us we are not empty, we can fill us up again. One day at a time.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anxiety after 11 years,
Sorry so long to post, no excuse just life. I had anxiety for years too. I took zanex for a year and am back on it now and then. It helps. We need to do what works. I suffer from chronic pain, neck, back and muscles, sometimes wonder if it was from the flights down the stairs and my head being slammed on the hard floor, just alone the fear that goes through your body when you wonder if he will hit you or if you will die today.
I did a lot of self help, read every book I could by Dr. Phil and others. One on one counseling, journaling and talking. I would have to say talking was the best medicine, that and forcing myself to learn to be alone with my thoughts.
Be Strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dearest Elle,
It broke my heart and shivers are running down my spine as I write this. I am so sorry for how you are feeling, telling you it is normal to feel this way does nothing to heal your pain. You need to feel safe, you need someone to talk to. Can you call the abuse hotline? They know what you are going through and will even just talk to you over the phone. I had called them much during the first year after when I was alone with all the hurt, sadness and fear.
I encourage you to check out another post where others who felt like you do have posted: the first stages of healing from domestic violence
The ransom feeling will stay for some time. You can’t fix everything today, you can just get through it the best that you can. Accept the dead feeling inside and mourn the loss, it is somewhat of a death when something like this happens, a part of you was dragged out of the house by a brutal man and killed, your spirit is broken badly.
You need to reach out to others, talking is the best medicine of all, that and being safe. I so know the fear you are going through and wish that I could reach out and hug you right now. I encourage others readers to post and help me support Elle, after all this is why we come to a community such as this, to seek support and give it.
I started this blog originally for women how get out and then don’t know what to do. This is the most crucial time for you. Getting back to feeling safe and happy. You can only take baby steps today, feel same for the next 24 hours, find what ever works to allow your mind a moment, even if just that moments peace to breathe. You can live and deal with the guilt another day, I promise it will still be there.
Take baby steps, grab a pad of paper and start writing, listen to soothing music, take a hot bath, stretch on the bed and watch a movie. I know this stuff sounds really stupid with all that you have been though but sitting and thinking over and over about what has happened brings the anxiety up, you will deal with if for a long time to come. Find a few minutes peace so that the broken woman deep inside of you can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I promise you one thing, you are stronger than you think, you will deal with this, you have to, to save the rest of your life. It is too soon to think of all this being in the past, it just happened. Accept what happened, don’t question why, there will never be a good enough reason. He did this, not you. You can not carry the weight of the world with you anymore. Let the world, the guilt and everyone else go. I know you are worried about your family but I am worried about you.
I am sending special prayers your way, I mean it, you will be in my thoughts for days, wishing you well and praying that you stay safe and warm.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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i was with my partner for five months on the 1/1/10 he violently attacked me, smashed my familys houses up broke into my parents house dragged me out infront of them battered me again and was taking me to a river to drowned me when the police saved me. i have pressed charges reluctantly after lots of persuasion. I need help i no to anyone reading this it may seem to soon after the event to expect to be feeling better but im trapped helpless and alone. i read something on this page said how abuse the women writing it suffered felf like she was being held for ransom and no amount of money would be enough and thats how i felt and still feel. I was attacked and abused for hours made to watch as everyone i loved was put at risk and terrified, i was beaten physically and tortured mentally and i dont no how to cope. i am so thankfull for my familys sake more than mine that i am alive but i feel dead like my life is over. my family live in fear i live with the guilt and sickening realisation i bourght this upon them. i dont no how to cope. Hes in custody at the moment and i have left the town i lived in but i can still feel him breathing down my neck, cant stop thinking about what happened to me and how scared my family. if anyone can help me advice or anything please do. I dont no how to deal with what happend and dont feel i ever can
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I want to say to all of us, we are the lucky ones. My abuser was emotional, mental, verbal, and sexual. When you are in the situation it is hard to see the light. When you finally take the step to get out, it is the scariest day of your life. It would be easier to stay because even though it is terrible it is what you know and what you depend on. The fact that another person can steal so much from someone without it being an instant crime is just disheartening. I have anxiety attacks, palipitations, and a host of other side effects of abuse. I have begun to immerse myself in the positives of life. It is not easy and there are days where I doubt everything I am doing. No one can tell you when to get over it or how. It comes form within and it will be the hardest thing in your life to do. One day all of us victims can look back and smile as we took a stand and we are still standing. To all of us God Bless us even when we think he is not watching out for us.
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Dear Jessica,
Thank you so much for sharing this with me and others. You are so young to have to deal with something like this. I am so happy that you are out and beginning to recover. As you have learned you must recover or you will just repeat the cycle. You are on the right path, you have to deal with what you went through to have a better life, one without PTSD and nightmares. You are doing this for you and for your daughter. Someday she may know what you went through and she will be a strong woman because of you. Remember, your past does not equal your future. You are strong, I can tell from your words. I encourage you to come back and let us know how you are doing, it will encourage others.
You are never alone, there are many young readers like yourself and they would love to hear how you are doing, good and bad. We are all in this together.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I like that you wrote this page. it makes me feel that i am not alone. Me and my daughters father were together for 3 years. Right after our daughter was born was when everything got physicaly abusive. I have been out for 5 months, and for those 5 months i have been a prisoner of PTSD and GAD. I have been going to the doctor every week because its so bad it has effected me raising my daughter. Since i have been out i have gotten a job, started college, and have gotten closer to god. I thought that if i just keep staying busy that i wouldent have time to sit down and think about what has happend to my life. but i was wrong. im now seeing a few doctors and talking to people at our local DV shelter. I am only 22 and raising a 2 year old. Its not easy, but im doing the best i can. I just thought that i would tell my story to let you know, and the people who read this know there are people from all over that suffer with this. Thank you
Jessica, NC
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I am so sorry, hard to find time to fall apart with all that you have to do and with children to take care of. I wish that there were a way for you to live closer to family. If you are close it would be a great support system for you and your children. I encourage you to get help for you older son. My son become abusive towards me around 9 and he would say well dad did this stuff to you so I can. My husband had been removed from our home 3 years prior. Your children most likely had PTSD as you certainly do. I know that you can not fall apart, no time but I pray that you can still find the time to heal and get some of this off your chest. Simply blogging here, finding support online, writing in a journal or simply learning how to relax your tense shoulders. So easy for me to say now, I do not leave the fear anymore. I can viviedly remember having anxiety attacks and living off of only coffee working full time and wondering if the car in my parking lot was my husband and he would kill me on my way in the house. I would have 10 calls on my machine of how he came in when I was sleeping and held a knife to my throat. Fun, fun.
Honestly, the more distance that you can put between the two of you the better. He isolated you for a reason, so you would not have anyone to turn to. I promise if you reach out, to a chruch, old friends and family you will find those few key people that will be there for you. There are so many resources online too. I had found the forums initially when I was in your place and it was nice just to vent, get out my anxiety for the moment.
I hope we hear from you again, please let me know what we can do to support you in this long recovery. You are in my prayers tonight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Great post. Some natural anxiety remedies to look into are St.John’s Wort, SAMe, L-Theanine, and Tryptophan. There’s also cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and programs like Panic Away and The Linden Method, to name a few. Hope this helps!
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I first threw my abusive husband out over a year ago and then had to run from him. He’s mostly mentally abusive but I was beaten for leaving. He dragged the divorce out for a really long time and then snapped right after it was final. So, I just recently got a restraining order but I still feel so scared and on edge all the time. The nightmares are the worst. I’m raising our to autistic children by myself and my nine year-old son has become violent over the summer. The stress is so bad I feel like the skin across my shoulders is on fire all the time. I just hold it all in most of the time. People think I’m really strong but they don’t know what it feels like inside. My family lives over 2,000 miles away so I really am alone here. He spent so long isolating me from everyone I don’t know where I belong anymore. I just live everyday. It’s all I know how to do.
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What type of treatment did you seek? I take a xanax for sleep as daytime events distract me from the anxiety. I am also concerned about physical damage to the brain due (kind of like a boxer being punched in the head often or proved issues with football players due to multiple concussions but not that extreme).
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Dear Time to Live,
First, I am so excited for you. Leaving is the best thing that you could do. I have to say that I took Zaex for around 3 months after he was removed. I had major anxiety before and then I couldn’t leave the house, I couldn’t breathe and would freak of minor things. The zanex was just something to get me by. When taking it I also learned how to calm myself before an attack would come. I would just be patient with myself. Find music that will put you in a good mood and especially find a friend that you can call anytime, that helped me. She would hear me barely able to breathe and would always talk me through it.
Best of luck to you. You will make it. Visit again and keep us posted. You will motivate many.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I just left an abusive (7 year) relationship a few days ago for the LAST time. As most of us do, I left and went back numerous times, but this time I have an inner calm, a feeling of liberation I have never felt before. He has literally sucked every ounce of love out of me that I had for him. Though I am excited to start over at the age of 25, I cannot get past this anxious/nervous feeling. Would you recommend zanax or any other medication my doctor may prescribe? Is this something I have to “deal” with…ofcourse it sure beats dealing with the emotional and physical abuse!! Please any advise or comments would be greatly appreciated!
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Hi,
Thank you for writing about this. I am out under a year and I am having a very hard time with anxiety. I have a few questions for you, please feel free not to answer anything that you feel is too personal. When feeling responsible for what happened, did that ever go away? Or back off? I am in that place like he was dumb but I knew better, wasn’t strong enough . . . etc. I too have avoided meds, but the anxiety is getting so bad that I can’t even ride in a car when someone else is driving and I am normally a pretty easygoing, laid back person. This interferes with my job. I went to the docs yesterday, rather than giving me just something to calm me down in panic attacks they gave me zoloft, I am not depressed they say its also for anxiety. If you don’t mind could you share a little bit of your experience on meds. I am worried about going on it. Also the anxiety I am feeling is not always just random, my ex who has a restraining order on him is escalating and he has not crossed enough lines to get in serious trouble yet. I am just very overwhelmed. Any incite you could give me would be great.
Thank you,
Ariane
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Dear Korinna,
I applaud you for seeking help. My son still suffers with PTSD over ten years after his father’s death. Even with counceling. So you must get help. Don’t worry about what others think, they don’t matter, what you think matters. Always remember that you will will excell in your recovery. I only stopped having nightmares just this last year, abuse over years stays with you for many more.
Focus on how you want your life to be and always remember, the past does not equal the future. You are not your past, you are not the abuse. Give your self some slack, it takes time to heal. You have an open wound in your chest and you are dealing with it every moment. Seek others who understand, like here.
The anxiety is horrible. I was unable to shop, leave home and such so I completely understand. I found reading self help books like self matters by Dr. Phil and other motivational books really helped me. I did counceling but feel mostly that just talking and reading uplifting books and journaling helped me the most.
Try to remember what you really want you life to be, it doesn’t have to be the past.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I too am a victim of abuse, I understand perfectly well the anxiety you feel. I cannot think straight, Im constantly anxious and Im loosing sleep. Plus I am a single mom of an autistic boy and an adorable little girl. I have major stressors and I need to get some help. I have finally decided after 7 years of abuse to seek counseling as this ptsd is causing me not to want to work or leave my children with ANYONE. its really bad. I feel awful that you all have experienced this too and Im glad you are making others aware of how bad this really is. People look at me like Im nuts when I tell them I still have anxiety after the abuser has left. He is still there, lurking in the dark, waiting to take my kids away like he did before so he really is not gone. 😦 The depression hurts and you are right its time I sought help.
KM~
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I met my abuser 22 years ago yesterday. I have been free of the physcial abuse that I suffered at his hand for some years now – but it is so much a part of who I am today that I fear it always will be. It subsides like everything else – but it is at my core – like an annual plant that grows and sleeps, it will always come back if the roots are there.
I wish you peace. It seems to me that this is the greatest thing we can hope for each other.
jash in Canada
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Thanks. Although I escaped my abusive (he was mostly a mental torturer), I still get the anxiety every day. It’s only been a month since I got out. I appreciate you telling me it’s okay to still feel anxious even when away from the abuser. I will try to take your advice to love and forgive myself for staying so long (25 years) with a fool and a destructive man. Stephanie
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Megan,
Sorry to take so long to thank you for that comment. I no longer suffer with anxiety attacks, they stopped sometime ago but I can still remember how they made me feel, like I was dying. I thank God that they are gone.
Rebecca
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I am glad that you can still feel anxious – it means that you’re still free enough to have your own emotions without reprisal.
Congratulations Rebecca – for being you.
Megan in Australia
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