The following was a post from an older reader. She has been looking for support from other women in hear age group. Feel free to share, lets help each other.
Reader Post:
I stumbled upon your website tonight and became emotional as I read through the many posts submitted by those now in the throes of domestic violence and those who have found the strength to leave. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 35 years until the day I left (six years ago), when, as I read somewhere in these blogs, ‘the fear of staying became greater than the fear of leaving.’ With my children’s unconditional support I have made a life for myself and participate in an older women’s domestic violence support group here in Minnesota. So very few services exist for older victims. I feel fortunate for the support I have found. I’d like to read posts from other older women about their experiences. Thank you for caring. Allie
ANY abuse should be unacceptable to ALL of society. Sadly, Parental Alienation is the result of many divorces and is much worse than physical abuse as it teaches children to hate half of themselves, resulting in emotional disabilities in the children, potentially for the rest of their lives. False reporting is often used to facilitate this abuse and it is much more common than many think. Another somewhat related story http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/845259/domestic-violence-how-one-woman-survived-the-abuse was written by an abuser of this sort http://www.register-her.com/index.php?title=Michele_Borboa_–_Domestic_Violence_False_Accuser We as a society pray the media will please, please stop perpetuating these painful attacks against our children. Please visit http://www.MontanaDAD.com to learn more…
LikeLike
Hello Feeling Lost,
I am so sorry that you are feeling lost. The name says it all. I am glad to find that this blog that started so long ago with me just writing what happened to me has helped so many. Your kind words are appreciated. I do not know what you are dealing with today but there are so many resources here and online, find things that inspire you and take care of yourself, you are what matters most. Write again, we are here to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Thank you for the encouraging words. I wanted you to know that I appreciate everything and that I glad you had this site because we should learn from each other.
LikeLike
Dear Feeling Lost,
I was so heart broken to read your post. So much pain for a single person to carry around and live with. I was not sure where you were today? It sounds like if you can, you should think of getting the hell away from the town you are in, too much has gone on and he has told so many others about you. I would suggest a brand new fresh start. You have too much left to life to have to suffer with living in the same town with him, your recovery will be so much more dififcult if you have to run in to him or others that make fun of you.
He doesn’t matter, you do. Pull all of your focus on what you can control today. Yes, you will need to deal with what has happened but gain daily strength before you take on the entire world and all that has happened. First things first, find a place where you feel safe and can sleep in peace. For every day he stole a piece of your soul it can two days to get it back.
Write back as we are here to support you. Write what ever you want, sadly we are no longer shocked at what others suffer. I wish you safety and piece of mind during this difficult aftermath.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Sorry for the misspelling, I was crying as I wrote down everything. I am out of the relationship, but now I feel like my phone is being tapped. And there are certain people watching my every move in this town. I know for a fact that I’m o.k and that he did create so many enemies for me.
I really appreciate this site…thanks for listening
LikeLike
I wanted to write about my abusive situation that I was recently in. I am not that mature in age however, I have experienced some severe abuse and wanted to share my story. Unlike some women I was unable to get myself out of the abusive relationship. I met my abuser at the age of sixteen and fell in love rather fast. I had problems at home only because I was being influenced by outside influences. My mother did her best to protect me and warned me about this strange fellow. He was extremely jealous and slowly pulled me away from my family. I began to have problems at school, students were calling me demeaning names, and I was getting abused by some teachers, I sort of ignored the fact because I was always one for education. By the time I made it to high school I couldn’t handle the name calling. One teacher called me a whore in front of the whole class. A boy stole my precious artwork out of my locker and the principle did nothing to help me. So I finally decided to drop out of school. My boyfriend and his family would laugh at me saying I was lazy and should get a job. They controlled me by making fun of me and calling me names. I figured that was the best thing for me to do. I began working and always had a problem with a man walking up to me and grabbing my arm. I never really put things together. Through out the year it would happen. I became close with the Lord I decided to change my life. I broke up with my boyfriend and moved out of my mothers house. His mother abandoned him so he finds his way back with me. I come to the realization that they made it look as though he was being abandoned so that I would basically take over as a mother figure rather than his women. His family was uneducated and addicted to drugs and crime was no stranger to their family. The abuse started right away and people warned me to get away from this man, but I was already in his world. I began having problems at work. When he would get sick I would leave work to help him. He would call constantly and show up at work without calling me. If I visited my family he would call asking for me and would show at my mother’s place without any notice. I suffered for 13 years taking on his belief of life and slowly leaving the word of God.
I noticed any were I would go men would say nasty things to me. I went to visit his mother out of town and he would constantly harass me calling me a whore saying that I was sleeping with people. Making jokes about things that happened to me in the past. His mother took me out one night and a man walks up to me and says want to suck my ****. I couldn’t understand why I have been going through this kind of experience for so long. I had severe paranoia to the point where I would not want to speak with any I would go to work and come straight home. I was scared to speak with anyone in my family I didn’t have any more friends. But some how I would always keep a smile on my face. I started having strange experiences were in conversations someone would say that their girlfriend went through the same abuse that I went through that same night. I was so paranoid and stressed that I didn’t tell anybody what I was going through. I would hear things at school and work that related to me. One day it hit me and I broke. The last job that I had the employees were abusing me so much that i couldn’t take it they, said they had plans for me someone gave me a biblical scripture that said judgement was upon me, and they would constantly ask if I had health insurance. The only one that knew that I didn’t was my boyfriend. They pulled phones out of the walls and hide them so i couldn’t call for help. So, I quite and my job tried to get me to sign a contract that said I couldn’t design anything in the world. I would hide out on my lunch brake in certain areas to get some rest. I told my boyfriend where I would go because I only had him to talk to. One day one of the higher ups was walking were I would hide out as though they were looking for me. My boyfriend picked me up one day from work and almost ran into an employee with his car stopping right before he hit her.
I quit my job i tried to fight for my last paycheck. I realized that my boyfriend was communicating to the employees at every job I had. He also was talking with my physicians at the time I was paranoid because I didn’t have time to see the real reality. He wouldn’t give me time to myself. He would beat me and call me Schizophrenic. I knew that I was not crazy. He had people treating me as though I was crazy. He played with my religion making illusions in my life to make me doubt myself and my religion. I was so delusional at one point that I couldn’t fight anymore. I tried to call the police, but was scared of who he had known fearing that I would end up arrested. Then his final attack on me he threatened me with a butcher knife, beat me kept me awake, until I admitted to things that I have never done, just to stop the abuse. I didn’t remember what happened, but woke up the next morning in my bedroom on the floor with him putting an ice pack on my face. Thinking to myself why is this happening to me. I loved you and helped protect you through so much. He put a bible in my hand and said that I have gone through enough in life, as if him beating on me was to make up for his suffering. I was so tired that I couldn’t stop him from burning me with a lighter. I was under his submission and couldn’t fight for myself anymore. He told me to leave with him and asked me if I had any identification on me. I couldn’t answer him he drove me around in silence I just wanted to jump out of the moving vehicle, but didn’t have the strength. He pulled up to the hospital that he goes to for his sickle cell. jumped out the car and headed for the emergency. I thought that something was wrong and that I needed help, but couldn’t gather enough strength to ask. I looked confused then jumped in the car and took me to another hospital, the one my mother worked at. Yelled and said what did I teach you, you don’t ask for family to come to the hospital for you, and you better not tell anyone what I did. He pulled me into the hospital and a young lady told me to sign a paper I said NO. With a black eye and hand marks all over my neck the women didn’t care to ask me anything else but sign the paper. I wanted to call and ask for help, but I didn’t my abuser sat in a chair making intimidating looks at me until I signed the paper. I didn’t know that it was for the behavioral health section. He lied to the nurses and when he left I yelled to the nurse that he abused me. They shoved my with meds and kept me. I realized that my boyfriend was communicating to everyone that was ever in my life how to get me angry or how to get me stressed. My life long dreams and goals and how I loved certain things. He had many people against me and setting me up.
LikeLike
Dear Scared,
Please fogive me, some older posts got lost and it broke my heart to read yours so long after you cried out for help. You need to get out NOW. I can’t be any nicer. He is going to kill you one day. You have PTSD and trying to think clearly is impossible for you as you are in the middle of it all. I understand the writing part, it kept me from going nuts during abuse as a kid and then I actually wrote an entire novel during the worst abuse of my life. I had to hide it for her would have destroyed it. He ruined every belonging that meant anything to me.
I pray you are already safe. Please call for help, they will help you to escape, my fear is that he will kill you if you stay another moment.
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
I promise I have fixed the blogging issue and will respond in a must faster manner if you chose to post again. We are here to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
I cry as I realize that you are exactly where I was 13 years ago, unsure of what to do, wondering if you will just die. Don’t give up, you were meant for more.
LikeLike
any physical evidence that is that is visable to everyone. i know that he will be the death of me. i know that god has a plan for me i just know it.
LikeLike
hi i am a 32 year old women who is in a abusive relationship for the past 4 years. my abuse is manily physical. i have been kicked (every part of my body), smacked, choked,beaten with boards, lamps, anything he can get his hands on, spit on, punched, bitten, just today i had scoldin hot tea thrown on me and was made to walk in the pouring rain,and freezing temp. with a light jacket on. the abuse that i suffer on a daily basis is really taken a toll on me. i cant begin to imagine how a person can sleep at night and hurt someone so badly. i am truly living with a monster, who turns everthing around on you. thinks that everything that he does is for a reason, something i made him do. i dont see how anyone can make a person do anything. he also is very mentally abusive to me. he makes me feel like nothing, he isnt the type to make up with you after he beats you. he just steps over you and continues on with his day. i am dying inside and i dont know what to do. i never look at myself im afraid of what is looking back at me. my body is drained. sometimes i wish that he would just kill me and get it over with. i know now that it is not my fault, he reminds me so much of that guy in sleeping with the enemy. he is just like that. everyone loves him. he is a wolf in sheeps clothing, even the police dont listen to me. he tells them that i have a history of being crazy, and yes i have had some domestic incidents when i was younger, but nothing like this. he is very charming. he uses everyone to his advantage. he has no use for you if he is not gaining something from you. i have know one to run too. i dont sleep i jump all night. how did this happen to me. the sad part also is that i have a 9 year old daughter. who is my life. i gotta find a way outta this and fast. i have a plan i just gotta put into affect. we tend to blam ourselves for things that they do to us. but why? he makes a point to really stick it to me when im down, telling me how im such a liar, everyone knows that i am crazy, im a disgrace, bad mother, triflin and disgusting all while im bleeding on the ground. and how it is my fault if i would just shut my mouth. i feel as long as i dont put my hands on you then you should just walk away. words shouldnt make you beat someone that bad. i stopped fighting back along time ago. it seems to only make matters worse. one time in the car, he back handed me so hard in my mouth i thought that all my teeth had fallen out. i had ahead ache. i used to keep a journal of all my incidents and he would find them and burn them, ive gone thru 7 of them. he would say why dont you ever write what you do. what yell? thats all it takes to set him off, any little thing. thats all i had was m own personal thoughts. i love writing it is my passion and he took that away from me. im going to write abook one of these days. im strong enough to get out of this, i know i can do it. this isnt love it is hate. he tied me up to the bed with phone cords and made me listen to him talk really mean and tell me all these terrible things about myself. until i just passed out from the cords being so tight around my wrists. then he gave me a knife and told me to kill myself while he sat and watched, i said your going to have to kill me cause i cant do that. so he took a belt and beat me all over my body while i was tied up. he makes sure not to leave any phsical evidence.
LikeLike
Hello; I too am a survivor of domestic violence and I am a mature woman. My abuser was my second husband and like all of us I knew there were problems before we married, but I thought I could help him straigten his self out!
I lost my home, I was stressed out so badly I almost lost my health and I will tell everyone in that situation, LEAVE, it is not worth it. I am divorced, happily single and I don’t have all the material things I used to have; but I am happy, healthy and alive!
I thank God for keeping me safe until I woke up and realized that I deserved better and he was not deserving of me
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your stories they have touched my heart.
I am also a survivor. I was married to my abuser for 2 years, which seemed an eternity. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by him. I had developed cancer cells of the uterus from the sexual abuse i was enduring. I was never treated, as I should because I was too embarrassed to say that my ex-husband was sexually abusing me. I was thrown, choked, hit with a night stick you name it, this man was unstable. It seemed most of the abuse took place on the weekends when he wanted to go out and he would pick an argument that lead to violence so he could leave and party with friends. He beat me when I was 4 months pregnant with his child, with a night stick, in hopes that I would loose the child. I eventually left him after he tried to lay hands on our two year old. That day he saw a side of me that he will never forget. I attacked him to defend my little one. All the pain and aggression was unleashed that day, I hate to say, that,I do not regret it because I beleive I saved my baby’s life, but one thing I did learn I will never let that happen again. I will make sure to get out before it gets any worse. I am happily married after 10 years of healing emotionally and spiritually to a man that is 12 years younger than me. He is a wonderful man and loves my children. We have been married together quite some time and he is a lovable, caring man. he helps me around the house and we go everywhere together. We love each other dearly and he has brought so much love and light into our lives. God Bless him!
Oh, by the way I have not developed any cancer cells since my last child was born, which was in 2003 and my 2nd child for whom I received a beating for being pregnant with him is 13 years old now.
I had not heard from him until recently and he is trying real hard to win his children over. I try to avoid talking to him, because I am afraid i will end up saying things I may later regret. I have learned to forgive him, but I have not forgotten.
LikeLike
hi i feel so wierd, my ex-boyfriend i was with for 8 months, finally went crazy with a knife and captured me in his house wen i said i wanted to go home to my parents (i’m 25). a friend of mine, another young woman living with him, ignored me every time i tried to tell her what was going on at this time, even wen i ran to her wen she came home from work and started telling her, she just listened to my ex, and chose to pull the wool over her eyes, and then went off to a festival leaving me with him.
i am okay now, as in the end i got away, in an ambulance, but i cannot understand why or how ‘my friend’ and her husband are still living with him. i feel so angry. i never thought i’d say this about another woman, but I hate her. does anyone have any suggestions how i can somehow put this behind me?
i wud be so grateful.
yasmine
LikeLike
Hi Allie,
Congrats on finding the courage to leave him. We are better than this and nobody deserves any kind of abuse. I’m happy that you were able to leave some are not so fortunate.
LikeLike
Hi, I am a survivor of domestic violence- I am only 24. I have my own blog here on wordpress. It is the ‘domestic violence survivors blog’.
I have created my blog to break the taboo, and tell it like it is, however graphic.
you go allie! wave those hands and shout ”i am a survivor, not a victim”!
hugs forever, Caroline.
LikeLike
I will pray for you as a survivor and healing and making your way and you can
pray for me I have been in counseling for a year am married 24 years
still married he is going tocounseling I have coome a long way and do not accept
any more more crap but I am not blind and will continure to go for counsiling
I am still healing
LikeLike
Hi Allie,
I am a 53 yr old female who made the mistake of falling in love with the wrong man. this was my second marriage and unfortunately my second abusive marriage. My first lasted 17 years and I got out because i couldn’t stand the pain anymore, plus my children were beginning to be abused at that point. So i left him and started life new. After being divorced for 11 years, I met this man, who was wonderful in the beginning. We dated for nearly a year and a halfe, however, toward the end of the dating period, he began to show his true colors and I lost custody of my 16 year old son, then I could not handle his abuse anymore and left him. However, he managed to find where i lived and started sending flowers, presents and letters apologizing and telling me he had entered into therapy and begged me to come back. Like a dummy I believed him. I went back to him and we got married 2 month later, which was a big mistake, because the day I said I do, became the day I almost died, as he started choking me, calling me names and telling me that I was to blame for my daughter putting a restraining ordedr against him. He also isolated me from my children, any friends I had and would not let me go out of the house while he was at work, as I became his property. Finally two months later we got into a huge fight, he took and pushed me down onto the floor and bed, then shoved me into walls and into the corner of a closet door, where I lost consciousness. When i woke up I thought I had died, but he was there standing over me crying, then he wanted me to forgive him and tried to force himself upon me sexually, and he choked me again. When he left the next morning for work, I made sure he wasn’t coming home, and I called the domestic violence hotline and left for a shelter. I lost everything I had because of him, my self respect, my children, my pets, my hobbies and my collections of things that meant the world to me. I lived in a shelter for 2 months, then I found housing with roommates, I am now living happy, share my experience with others, write poetry about my life and just got my first book published. Oh yeah, When I was in the shelter I had to take public transportation to the library so that I could continue my online classes as I am trying to obtain my degree in education, I had to take the chance daily of running into him, but I survived, now I’m in my own place with roomates, have my own computer, making a 4.0 in my classes and living life day to day. The abuse I endured from him did take its toll as I do have 4 herniated disk in my cervical and lumbar regions of my back and I am fixing to undergo knee replacement surgery, but i look at it, that I survived, I am one of the lucky ones of domestic violence who survived, lived to tell their story and undergoing the operation is nothing compared to what I have been through. If anyone is in this situation they should do their best to get out, as staying can be deadly. I am one of the lucky ones and I thank god everyday for giving me the sense, the courage and the ability to seek help when I needed it the most. I also Thank God for programs that are set up to help those of us who need the help when we need it the most and for those who care. My life is back on track, I have my children in my life, I’m going to school and maintaining a 4.0 and I have my first book of poetry published. Life can’t be anybetter than this! Thank God I got away from my abuser. Yes, I do worry i will see him at one point, but that’s why i have a cell phone and know how to call for help.
Raven
LikeLike
Allie,
WOW……. YOU GO GIRL !!!!!
What great courage it took for you to make a NEW and better life
for YOU after all those years of marriage. !!!!!
BRAVO !!!
xo xo
Deb
LikeLike