Denise left the following question on another post and I felt it deserved attention in its own. Feel free to add inspiring stories as well.
Post from Denise:
I am reading some of the posts on here and I am curious. Do they ever change? Has anyone had any experience with their spouse abusing and then saying they want to get help and actually getting it and if yes does it help? Is there any hope?
Dear Denise,
Yes, if the person really wants the change they can. You can not want them to change, they must want it.
I found a site with some helpful information for you. I encourage a women that feels he may change to support him, just never stop putting your safety first. There is hope, even if he won’t change, you can.
Counseling Services: Amendinc.org
AMEND provides treatment for men voluntarily seeking or court-ordered into domestic violence counseling. Following an intake assessment, AMEND’s counselors design a treatment plan to help the client eliminate physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. The treatment plan focuses on identification and awareness of the problem; taking responsibility for the abuse; enhancing self esteem; building anger management, conflict resolution, communication, stress-management skills; and remaining chemically free. Specific group sessions discuss family of origin, addictions, sexuality, irrational beliefs, gender stereotypes, parenting, and more. Clients are seen weekly for individual or group sessions. Each session begins with a check on any current use of violence/abuse and alternative coping skills successfully utilized.
AMEND offers specialized counseling for those seeking anger management, parenting classes, Christian-based counseling, culturally-diverse group counseling and advocacy services for victims of domestic violence. We currently have offices located in Denver, Adams, Arapahoe, Douglas, and Jefferson Counties. All counseling services are offered on a sliding-fee scale.
I found this article on the site, the story brings the hope you may need.
My name is Tom.
I’ve had four domestic violence charges in my life which have changed my life drastically. I truly believe my past aggressive behavior was due to a learning process as a child, causing a lot of anger in myself, alcohol and drug abuse as a teenager through junior high and high school leading to fighting through irrational thinking, alcohol abuse from age 18 to 37 through both my marriages, which in turn led to divorce in both of them.
I do know that we can’t change the past. However, my physical and mental abuse to both of my ex-wives and four children, two of which are my natural children and two are stepchildren, could have all been avoided only if I knew then what I know now. I truly feel that no one, including pets, should live in fear in their own home. There is plenty of that to deal with outside our homes. We should feel that we have a safe place to go and feel comfortable and not on edge.
With my last domestic violence charge, I was expecting to go to prison and lose everything I had worked for my whole life. The judge ordered that I stay in the domestic violence classes with AMEND that I had started three weeks prior to my sentencing, a fine, and of course probation. I felt very lucky.
Before I started the domestic violence class prior to my sentencing, I totally evaluated myself. I put myself in my ex-wife’s place, my children’s place and my friends’ place. I felt real bad about hurting the people that were the closest to me. The sad part for them and to me is that they all hung in there with me as I continued to hurt them. I’m sure they expected that I would change. And I did not, not until I realized that alcohol, which led to my irrational thinking, such as jealousy, blame, and justifying all my irresponsible behavior, was a major contributor to most of my problems.
I realized at this point that the only one that could change me was me. I got tired of being involved with the court system, and decided I needed to take control of my life the best I can. I quit drinking . . . after all, I would only be cheating myself if I had not quit.
Through communication skills and learning to slow down on snap judgments, trying to understand where the other person might be coming from – this helps in family communications and also in general, everyday conversations that we all go through – I have realized that there are a lot of angles to the truth, not only mine. In turn I think it is very important to think things through with understanding before acting. I think a good example of trying to put ourselves in the other person’s place would be driving down the highway with someone tailgating and in a hurry. Maybe this person has a medical emergency of some kind or is just late for a meeting. If at all possible, I think that we shouldn’t play road games and let this person go by. There is no reason to be angered by this. It just may set the tone for the rest of the day or night, which in turn may backfire on us.
Another example would be a person physically or mentally abusing a person including a child or pet. If the abuser would stop and think of how they would feel on the receiving position, I think they would see that it is a very scary and confusing place to be – trying to understand how someone they could love so much, would treat them so badly. This will break down the trust and openness in a relationship of any kind, and gradually may lead to arrest, divorce and even death.
I think one way to deal with anger in this situation is to catch it before it escalates into something that we may regret for along time. Remember, once something is said, it’s hard to take back.
When I was younger, in elementary school, I would see my father physically and mentally tearing my mother down. This seemed like night after night, after the bars closed to 4 or 5 in the morning. My mom would never argue back for being in fear that she would get hurt physically by him. I felt real bad for her. All the time this was going on, I was learning this is the way to control someone through fear. As I got older I was turning into the kind of person that I had learned to hate. I really feel I was using alcohol and drugs to escape what I really should have become. I turned into someone who was always looking for a confrontation of some kind and hoping it would turn into a fight.
We all have options in our lives, and we are the only ones who can control our actions. We need to take responsibility for our actions . . . no one else can. However, I do know if we continue to make poor choices, the courts will gradually take control of our lives, and once we’re in the system, the only way out is to complete our sentence, unless we want to look over our shoulder for the rest of our lives.
Through the years, I didn’t think there was anything to change in myself. I always thought it would never happen again, I had a good grip on myself this time. But I didn’t, I always reverted back to my old self.
I was in an AMEND group for 3 1/2 years. I went for my mandatory 36 weeks, and was learning a lot about myself. I asked Nancy, my therapist, if I could stay, for I didn’t feel comfortable enough with myself. I continued to stay on Antabuse for a couple of years, which was my choice. Through the years in the class I have seen a lot of men go through the 36 weeks. I have yet to hear one of them regret being in the class. I have seen them get themselves back together and in return they are able to get together with their families on the right track, towards what a family life should be.
Not all men involved in domestic violence have families or are currently married; they may have abused a girlfriend, or wife which already may be a broken relationship when they start their classes. However, they do get themselves in the right direction for their next relationship through their own strong boundaries within themselves.
When I used to go to jail, I would think and say that she threw me in jail again. After I realized that the women I had been married to weren’t physically strong enough to pick me up and throw me in jail, I started to realize it must be my own behavior that got me there. This is when I was able to start working on myself at age 37. I sure have a lot of wasted years behind me, and this is the reason I stayed in the class.
Domestic violence affects everyone around us, right down to the police officer who makes the arrest. In my case, this is how alcohol, drugs, and domestic violence changed my life.
I guess I hope that abusive people can change. I do believe that people can change for the better–slowly, if they want to, and only because they want to.
What I don’t understand is what that has to do with their victims. They abuse because of who they are, not because of who their victims are. They’ll change, if they do, for themselves, not for their victims.
And no one–NO ONE–should stick around an abusive person waiting for them change. I’d go so far as to say no one should go back, either. How do you know for sure? Ask any addict, for example, if they’re all better and won’t ever slip up again. There’s no such thing.
Maybe I really am incapable of forgiveness, but I’d never, ever go back even if my abuser changed. In fact, I’m assured he has. I don’t care. It all still happened, and it’s not washed clean because me and my mom leaving “scared him” straight because he didn’t want to be totally alone.
Maybe I really don’t believe people can change. Because when my sister says she’s got things under control with our father, that he won’t treat her the way he used to anymore, and that she’s glad to be able to have a relationship with him…I think she’s crazy and putting herself at risk.
So I hope abusive people can change, for their sake. For my own sake, because I grew up with it and I have it in me, too. But for their victims’ sake…I hope no one ever encourages them, or asks them, go to back.
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Dear Mech,
Wow, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing all of that. It was very raw and honest. Yes, the abuser needs to want to change for anything to happen. Many times we pray and pray to change someone else. It is so hard to get myself to change something I don’t like about me, never mind making someone else change.
Hearing a story like yours give us hope, for I feel that the only way to ever stop abuse is one abusive person at a time like you changing. I am very proud of you and encouraged for others to read this. Keep in mind when reading, she wanted to change, no one forced her to change. It is all on you.
Thanks for helping to make the life of those around you better.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I once was the abuser and yes you are able to change. I did not start changing until I knew I wanted to change. I prayed for god to help me to start fixing my anger ( anger was being verbaly abuser and physically), my anger was so bad and i realized what am i doing i am a good person but when i got mad that nice person went away, it took me about over a month and i noticed that my praying started to work. like i would get so mad i would shake and want to hurt something or brake something. and now when i do get mad its nothing like that, i dont shake i dont have this thinking of me doing anything wrong. now my ralationship with my love has gotten great and we are getting better. so it is possible but if they dont want to change they aint. i also changed because i was looking at what i would do to him it would hurt his feelings, his face was so sad like i cant believe i useto do that. I love him and i didnt want to see him hurting anymore so i changed if he/she dont change it might be that they really dont love you and its true. I was in different relationships and i was the BItch so aviouselly i didnt love them like i thought because if i did i would have not been like that with my Ex’s . and then still continued with my love and realized i do love him and i dont want to see him hurt anymore. but see i never changed with the other vatos. so if someone dont change is because they dont want to and there aint really love there. good luck
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Dear I’m not a Scumbag,
No you are not a scumbag, you are a man, a man that knows better and continues with the wrong. I applaud you for posting here though, especially on a site where woman post about the abusers. You help to give insight to the mind of the ones we are trying to hard to understand. This was the hardest one for me, why if you say you love the person, do you continue to do the things that hurt her the most? Many woman think since we love the person we can help them change. You can only change things that you want to change. Even if you lose this woman for good that is not what matters. You said it all, you have always been angry and bitter, you need to find out why and decide if you want a better life. You don’t have to stay this way, you chose to stay this way. there is always a pay off, what is yours. You say you don’t have one but you must.
Mine was that it was too hard to change my life, I was scared. That was why I took so long to change things.
You need to stop rationalizing what you know. Also, verbal abuse is more scaring than physical so please understand that, things you say stay in the mind, a smack eventually goes away. Imagine all of the things that you said to her, being said to you by someone you love. I really do wish you all the best, for your sake, and the sake of the next woman that you come across.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello, I’d like to add my comments. I am a verbally abusive man, have been my whole life I suppose, yet I never really considered myself one, or even realized what I was doing was destructive and hurtful. I seem to be abusive to women more so, (my mother i was always yelling at her to get a better job or to go to school or have some motivation to improve her life, always criticizing, nothing was enough good enough, why don’t you do things my way, etc….as I lived with her most of my 30 years.) I have always had a job but it’s always been living paycheck to paycheck, never living in very nice places when on my own.
So after moving out own my own for about 6 months, i meet a girl at work. (Here is some more backstory. Now I’m 30 years old, I was always very shy, or thought I would never meet a girl for me, I didn’t know if I even liked girls, was i gay, I didn’t know, it was easier not to have a intimate relationship, just a couple close friends, and I was fine for the most part. I was always nice enough to people and did normal things, went to concerts and movies and would go out for drinks after work with co-workers, etc. There have been times in the past where a girl would ask me out or friends would try to set me up, but I was never comfortable, it just never felt right. So for all my 30 years I have never had a real intimate relationship. So I meet this girl at work, and there are the obvious signals and flirting from her, but I ignore them. We work closely together, 5 days a week, so as we talk and get to know each other better, everything just seems to click into place. We share many common interests, and our differences are even more interesting I just like being around her and and learning about her.
So about 6 months of working together go by, and this time it feels right. My 30 years of not being with anyone, this is the woman I have been waiting for my whole life, my “soulmate”. I actually ask her out, and we go out. Fast forward another 3 months. Everything feels right, we move into an apartment together. We see each other at work all day, and all day not at work, we are inseparable.
Now it is current day, another 2 months of living together. We drive to work together in the morning. She ends up leaving work early, I end up walking home, and sleeping in my car, she refuses to see me. She was very happy, optimist, full of sunshine. I have always been bitter and negative, full of criticism and put downs. She says I have made her angry and full of poison, due to my verbal abuse. (Also one day at work I happened to kick her in the rear out of frustration) So yes I know I have a problem, but I have been doing all the classic signs of a verbal abuser. (She complains, I say she’s making a big deal out of nothing, why are you so upset I did nothing wrong, etc.)
When she makes a mistake at work, I put her down, she says I make her feel worthless and stupid and incapable of doing anything right. I don’t actually say any of those words or call her names, but my tone of voice and things I say make her feel like that. And she’s had enough of it, and I need to change if I want to keep her, if she will even have me back.
I can rationalize it by saying, oh me and my friends give each other a hard time, it’s just what we do, she needs to toughen up, don’t take it so personally. But the bottom line is that she IS reacting this way, and she does not think it is acceptable behavior. So of course I should stop doing it, but for some reason I have not. I still am demeaning to her, even though I don’t mean to be, the words still come out of my mouth,and by then it’s too late, you can’t take them back.
So I’ve called my local counseling place and hopefully can get an appointment soon for therapy. I have been reading for a couple weeks now about abusive relationships, and I always have said what makes a man hit a woman for any reason, how can they do that? So I have trivialized my actions because I have never done any real physical abuse, I must be ok, I’m not a scumbag, but I am.
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Dear Kim,
Wow, that was a lot to take in. If you have come for honest advice you are sure to get it. Don’t move back in with him. That is my best advice. Can a man/woman change, yes, will your husband, seems low chances, but is it worth putting you and your children through this all over again? Let him get is life back together for his sake, on his own. You don’t have to be there to support him. He is a grown man and will continue to pull you and your children down. Even if you reason is financial, there has to be a better choice. You are putting yourself in a toxic home knowing full well what will happen, not what might, but what has and will.
Read what you wrote to me, I am worried I am making a mistake by wanting to try again. This is your gut telling you to really see what you are doing. You said you don’t trust him, without trust and respect what do you think is going to happen? I plead with you to be brutually honest with yourself. If you reread what you posted her a few times it may snap you out of the wishful thinking that you are clearing doing. I am not trying to be mean in anyway, but stand back and pretend your best friend is sending you this letter, what would you tell her to do?
It is hopeless, pretty much. Does this man that your life is hopeless, never. As long as you finally decide you are worth more than what being with this man will bring you you will change your life. You are the one that will show your children what they deserve. Please don’t put them back in such a horrible home. It will change the rest of their lives if you stay or if you go. It is okay to let go, mourn the marriage as it is like a death. You already know what being with him will be like. Like many, you are afraid of what life will be like without him in it. It can be safe, loving and hopeful.
Put what you want first. I can’t make the decision for you, I wish that I could. Really, really listen to your gut. Make a new life, without him as your mate. Maybe he will get clean but then let him be a good father, he doesn’t have to be your spouse to stay clean.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Please, everyone reach out as this is always one of the most difficult times for all of us, do I stay of do I go.
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Rebecca,
I have been in an abusive marriage for 10 years. The verbal abuse and controlling behavior have been most prominent. He was also previously married for one year to a women who claimed he was verbally abusive. He became (hands on) physical about 4 years into the marriage, I called the police and he was arrested. He was ordered into domestic abuse counseling for one year and started Lexapro. He seemed like a different person and was so remorseful. We had two children at the time so I took him back. Fast forward 6 years and the verbal abuse and control continues despite counseling. He hasnt been physical with me but he has thrown things, pesistant and abusive towards sex, controlling, yelling, contemptuous, and manipulative. He also stopped the meds after one year. I left him last September only to move back in but live separately in the same house. Four months later his rages seemed out of control again. I moved out again and have been living in a rental for the last six months. I am now preparing to move back in though living separately in the same house. Again he seems very remorseful, and back on the meds. He claims to have changed. I want to keep my family intact but not at the loss of mine and my childrens mental health and safety. Part of me believes he can change. He claims he cant control his anger on his own and is now committed to the meds and counseling (though the counseling is sparse). He fully agrees that he has been abusive. He has sat down with me to discuss what he has done to abuse me and asked if I felt there were more ways. He has repeated apologized. He’s very convincing. One thing to note is in the past, he has been reluctant to admit he’s abusive when we are together and “change” and regret only come when we are separated. He does not abuse alcohol or drugs. Im worried I am making a mistake by wanting to try again. I expressed to him that I dont trust him and dont know if I ever could. The counseling we have had for the last 9 year (3dif counselors) does not seem to be helpful. I have tried finding someone who specializes in domestic abuse. I need advice. Is it hopeless? Can he change? What systems have produced change? I would love to hear from some one who has a successful relationship that once was abusive. Do they exist?
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Dear Rachel,
Thanks for posting again. You are strong, it shows in your words. I am glad that you will be able to relax and feel safe for the birth of your baby. Funny, I would go thorugh it all again just to have my son. Thanks for your words, he is strong now, lived through more than most adults, wonderful child, I am blessed.
My story is all over the place here… in some posts, my story is in a book I am finishing that also contains women I have interviewed and met here. My goal here was never to really tell my story but to be a place for you to come. I am strong now but remember 11 or so years ago feeling so alone.
I focus on the end, what I want my life to be, not what it was, most times the other things seemed like a dream.
Take care, be strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Rebecca,
Your words have brought tears to my eyes. Thank You. His girls with his ex wife have a seemingly inherent melancholy about them and a sort of timidness (mixed with over confidence) that is sad. I am sure this comes from having lived with their parents together and abusive and fighting for the time they did. Pleading with him never did any good, he could not control his temper one bit for the sake of the pregnancy.
It is frightening to me that he managed to obtain 50/50 custody of his girls, given the past history of the relationship. I live in CA though and the state strongly back fathers more than most states. Also, his wife engaged in the violence as well and I think that swayed the jury. He is not violent or abusive directly to them at this age. However, I consider his ongoing substance abuse to be a form of child abuse as well. He is completely inconsistent when drinking. The really sad thing is that he keeps using the kids against me. He says they love me so much already, how can I traumatize them this way (I know this is BS but still gets to me) and says the baby (unborn) wants to live with his father. It is truly sad to me that he uses this as a weapon in our conversations. As though staying and allowing the kids to witness abuse of any kind is better because they still get to live with both parents.
I have been staying with a friend for the past week. My ex is out of town until Sunday and I have been at his place in his absence. It is giving me time to go through the rest of my stuff and take care of some things I needed to do in this area. I will be leaving tomorrow to go back to my friend’s house though.
Next Thursday I leave for out of state to stay with my family for the remainder of my pregnancy and the birth of my baby. I am looking forward to feeling safe and relaxing.
I am so sorry to hear about your son having PTSD as a result. That must have been a really hard situation to live in. The good thing is that you are aware of what happened, you made the necessary changes for you both and will be able to take steps to counterbalance your sons early life trauma and provide him with other ways of life. He will know how strong his mother is and that that type of lifestyle is not okay. I would like to know more about your own story. Is there a separate area I can navigate to? I normally would look myself, but my internet access is limited right now so I look for short cuts.
Thank you so much for requesting follow up. It is nice to feel someone out there wants to know. 🙂
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Dear Rachel,
The most important issue from what I read is your immediate safety. You are not safe, to even consider seeing him is scary. I recently read a book called No Contact, click here to read a sample chapter http://endingdestructiverelationships.com/
The book stresses that you stay away after to help get strong first. It is okay to still miss him and love him, but you must love yourself enough to not be with him. From what you have told me, you will be hurt without a doubt if you return. Read what you wrote to me anytime you think of returning.
Yes, abusers can change, but like anything, they have to be the one that inisitates the change, not others. They won’t change for good just because someone loves them and has threatened to leave. You can always leave, stay gone, let him change. If he really wanted to change, let him do it for himself, not you.
Stop minimizing your life. You deserve so much more. How I wish I had left when my son was in my belly, I stayed for I didn’t want him to not have a father, that was the biggest mistake, for staying my son now has PTSD for life and I left when he was five. Don’t expose your child to abuse.
Write again, I want to hear how you are doing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Readers, I encourage you to write Rachel, encourage her to be strong and be gone.
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When I say I had a history of cheating or emotional affairs, it was not while with this boyfriend and not with the prior one of 6 years either. But in my past, with other men, which my boyfriend knows about.
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Confused….
I have been on the internet researching statistics on whether abusers can really change. Hadn’t been planning on finding a message board, but now that I am here, it seems like it could be helpful to post.
I was with my boyfriend for about 3 months before I got pregnant. I had known him in the past and had never been pregnant before in my life (at 36 years old). We had a lovely honeymoon phase, all roses and sunshine. I do not work, I had been living with someone before him who supported me (although I worked for most of my life, full time, with good work ethics). My current boyfriend does not make very much money, is facing a lawsuit for credit card debt and was very stressed by the idea of the financial burden of a baby. I had planned to get a job when we got together but spent the summer watching his girls (from a previous marriage). Then the first 3 months of my pregnancy I was too sick to apply for jobs.
Prior to my becoming pregnant, there had been some warning signs. Bad fights where he was accusing me of weird things and obsessing on them. After I got pregnant he became verbally abusive. Calling me names, drinking more, hounding me about the messy house or my laziness, when I was so sick with morning sickness (but all day) that I could barely move. I reacted badly and started emailing with another guy online. We flirted a little and mostly I just talked about how awful my boyfriend was being.
Well, my boyfriend downloaded spyware, hacked into my email account, read the emails and freaked out. I am not condoning my behavior, clearly I have my own issues, as well as a history of cheating and having emotional affairs. I can’t blame my boyfriend for being worried in the first place. Once he found the emails, he broke my laptop, threw my phone in the toilet, tried to throw my purse into the street, threw food I made him across the room ( a few times ). Prior to this discovery he had still been mean to me almost daily, mean enough to make me cry multiple times a week.
I had stopped emailing the guy a month before my boyfriend hacked my email. So it was already done with. My boyfriend, after breaking my things, continued to harass me, coming to me every hour or more often, demanding that I close my facebook account, that I not have texting or internet on my phone, he changed my password so I couldn’t get into my account. I explained that I had stopped emailing the guy because I realized it was wrong, that I had been going off of my anti depressant at the time, was very hormonal and was very hurt by his cruel words and had reacted badly to it and had realized I needed to take a different course of action. I implored him to consider our baby before yelling at me another night (if I try to leave the room he blocked the door or got in my face). He said basically that because he was so hurt and upset that it was okay for him to treat me like this. He said it was not going to upset the baby because the baby would be mad I was talking to another guy too. He would sometimes agree to try and stay calm but it would only last until the evening when he had a drink.
He is a multiple substance abuser, alcohol, pot, pills. He is definitely worse when he starts drinking and smoking pot at night. He also has a history of violence with his ex wife, having given her black eyes more than once. He was never convicted when she pressed charges, I think because she was also violent towards him (although she is like 40 lbs lighter and a foot shorter). I don’t know of any other women he has gotten physical with but the 2 before me both called him verbally abusive. I guess I thought I could work with him on these issues. And I was able to defuse him better before I got pregnant and was so moody and reactive myself.
I hate the idea of splitting with my child’s father. I do love the person my boyfriend is when he is good and kind and interesting and special. But I cannot find much hope that he will change. I told him I will not come back unless he is sober (as in detoxes and stays in a program), in anger management and also then does couples therapy with me. He responds by telling me he stopped drinking two days ago so is now sober and needs me there for the rest of it. He has not specifically agreed to quit pot. He tells me he has seen his psychiatrist who gave valium for his detox (he already has a valium scrip from her so I’m not sure whether to believe him). He said as recently as yesterday that I should “stop this attention seeking behavior and come home”.
The friends and family I have told about the situation all want me to get out. A few have been really concerned about my physical safety, especially due to the pregnancy. My boyfriend says I am being silly thinking there is anything to be afraid of. I take his minimizing as a bad sign.
He wants to see me even if I am not ready to move back in, but my instinct is to stay clear unless/until he can meet these requirements. I do not feel it is fair to put the condition of my return on his getting sober.
I am scared one minute and thinking I am crazy and missing him the next. I was interested to hear from the men on this board and how they were able to take responsibility for their actions. And to hear about the woman who was able to work things out with her spouse. Of course, I definitely worry that I might always be at risk.
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Dear Justin,
I knew it took guts to post on a blog like this. Not sure what to say. I can’t tell you what you did was alright, far from it. To know that someone you love was abused before to even think of raising your hand is upsetting. My boyfriend in another gesture pinned my arms down and knew to never do it again, you do it out of love and respect. I honestly can’t imagine a woman after already being abused going back to it again but that will be her choice.
No matter what she decides to do, I encourage you to get help for your sake. You will end up very alone and sad if you don’t. The fact that you are seeking support is a very good sign, most don’t see the problem. You show others how to treat you, when you say her friends often said things, really think about it, did they have a reason? My family would never imagine asking my boyfriend this because he treats me with respect at all times…. again, your actions speak louder than your words.
I wish you all the best, I really do.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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My name is justin I also thought I could ever become an abuser. My girlfriend and I yes together for almost two years. She was perfect for me and we were very happy. She just got me on every level even though she is 30 and I am 25. We could always talk about our problems in a mature way even when I got very angry we have each other space and then all was good. But things were not the same when I drank. I would get very angry and was easily upset. Especially by her friends because they would always tell me to take care of her because she was in an abusive relationship before and I felt that I was not this guy that abused her and I was being judged like I was him. When I would drink and get angry I always used to hit other this like the walls and even broke my hand once. One night about a month ago we fought while we were out. And I hit her once with the fist and slapped her three times while she was driving. I have not seen her since but we talk on the phone. I know what I did is wrong and I want to change.
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Dear Nicole,
Forgive me for taking so long to respond. What you wrote said so much. It is good to hear a story from the other side of things. Many don’t imagine an abuser changing and many don’t. I was encouraged to hear your story and saddened at the same time. I guess my fear would your safety at all times. Only you can decide how you will live. I was happy to hear that you are in counseling. I am sure that you will encourage man while helping other to know that they should leave as their spouse will never change.
thank you for sharing such a personal story.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi, I just wanted to ad to this discussion although it’s been on here for quite some time. I have been with the same man for 8 years. We met as teenagers in highschool and we had a very wonderful normal relationship. When we were seventeen he got very into drugs and I guess things began to change then. He was slightly less motivated and more controlling. Then at seventeen I go pregnant. I decided to keep her and we decided to try to be parents. Things were okay throughout the pregnancy. Although he was not as involved as I would have liked. After our daughter was born the physical abuse started. It was mild at first, gripped my arms tighter than he should or pushing me. Then the hitting began and it only got worse. Emotionally, physically and sexually I was abused. He never once laid a hand on our child in anger. He was always wonderful with her, I feel I should ad that. Finally after a year and a half of hell I left. During my time away from him, he got help, and after six months we got back together. We got married in another six months and now have been married for 3 years. He has never laid a hand on me since we got back together. He continues to go to therapy to get help because he understands it is a commitment he has to keep if he wants to keep me. Also, he has made the decision to change. They have to want to change in order for therapy or medication or what have you to help. Otherwise, it will never be ok, the abuse will continue. I am able to look back and forgive, but not forget. I can never forget. Truly he was a different person then. And I understand that because of his drug abuse and ied he was without a doubt someone else. But knowing that doesn’t mean being so naive as to think that person couldn’t take back over. Chosing to go back to the person who abused you is a difficult decision. Some would believe foolish. Most abusers are unable to change so please understand that therapy is key. If you are considering taking someone back who has abused, take it slowly. Allow them time to change through therapy before any contact is allowed and then just date for a while without any real intimacy. Please, don’t rush back into it without truly knowing, not believing but knowing, that this person is not the same anymore. And even after, you yourself will need therapy to cope with the anger you may not even realize that you have towards this person. I hope this was helpful to someone.
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Dear John,
First off I applaud you for writing and being so honest, especially here. I first don’t feel from what you have told me that you are an abusive man and hope that you won’t be labeled as so. Yes, you never should have hit her for any reason but you did. Holding your self accountable for that mistake is important. I don’t mean to say your girlfiend deserved abuse in any way, she did not.
What I must say is that she is not the gal of your dreams and never will be. You need to be honest with yourself and you know it by your writings but just have not accepted it. Anyone that loves you would not keep seeing an ex, never mind several coworkers in an intimate way. I encourage you to do some real soul searching, would you prefer to be with someone that does not respect you and cheats on you or be alone? I would chose alone any day. I don’t want you to do something you will regret and it sounds like the relationship is becoming toxic.
Anyone that cheats, losing claim on the one they are hurting. I know you were cheated on in the past and that is what made it so easy to attract someone that would do it again. You may be the one that needs some counseling, anyone that would stay with someone that cheats over and over has low self esteem and most likely a bad self image. Think, if a women or a dear friend told you the same things you are sharing here, what would you advise them, most likely to leave.
I am not judging you if you chose to stay, just stop making excuses for why she is cheating on you. Past abuse does not justify this in anyway. Yes, she may need help but that doesn’t make the cheating justifiable.
If you are with the wrong person you will miss out on the right one. Free up your heart for a woman that really deserves you. You deserve better than this.
Please write again if my words were not too harsh and if this helped in some way. I sincerely wish you all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I slap my girldfriend repeatedly this morning. I regret that and wish it never happened. I found out that she has been cheating with five guys. I found messages in her phone two weeks ago and we agreed that she will stop seeing these guys. Last week I found other messages again we talked. This morning one of these guys phoned her at 3 in the morning.
I asked her who the dude was she said its noone its a wrong number when we checked the number it was the guy we agreed she must cut the relations with. apperently the guy is an ex and she has been seeing him. We checked the guy on facebook and she still refused she knew the guy even though the numbers on the phone and on his facebook profile are the same.
I did not know what to think or say anymore. When I ask her why she is being involed with these guys, most from where she works, she says she wanted attention. We see each other from friday to monday and sometimes on week days. we phone each other everyday.
I just found out she was sexualyl abused when she was little and I organised that she goes for counselling this wednesday. today I did a bad thing and slapped her. I am 37 years old and it is the first time I did such a thing. I started by wanting to scare her to tell me the truth, but obviously I was wrong because it escalated. I always prided myself of not hitting women, I just started something after 37 years.
I’m aware its wrong I dont think I will ever do such a thing. She has been unfaithfull and I have been advised and thought of leaving her.
But it seems I don’t have the guts to do so. I was on a relationship and it ended after some cheating, I did not wish something like this to happen all over again. Life is really hard. I am relly sorry this happened. I think I should apologise and call off the relationship because clearly its not happening. Her phone is always off, when its on its an argument. I need advise.
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Hello Miena,
I am so sorry for your loss. I will not post another author’s poem without permission but I did find it online for you. Please click on the following link: I Got Flowers Today
I must admit, I had never read the poem before and it sent shivers up and down my spine. I will post it here if I can find the author. Thank you for bringing that poem to my attention Miena. God bless you and your family.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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If any one knows this poem I would like to read it on mothers day and honor those who died because of abuse. the Poem is called he brought me flowers today it was not birthday or any other special day. Last night he beat me……..I dont know how it goes futher but i know it start more or less like dad. Please
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