This was emailed to me some years ago and I just came across it.
The reader wrote:
I thought this poem might benefit men who need to get on the right path. No reply is needed.
As A boy
As a boy I watched in horror
As my father hit my mother
I could do nothing for her
I swore I’d never pass that on
To my wife, my daughter and son
I thought what I always tried to do
Was give my heart and soul to you
I am humble and broken
Not just for the words I have spoken
I face judgment by an accuser
That like my father, I am an abuser
So much many drinks
Such a wrong way to think
Turn kisses into terror
To the very ones I care for
My accuser is the love of my life
Her forgiveness cuts me like a knife
My children miss their daddy
I’m gone awhile, I say sadly
When the anger swells in my soul
My cherished ones feel the toll
Now the life I want and love
Teeters on the abyss needing a small shove
I make the choice to end the violence
My anger will be silenced
I won’t even open the door
To take that bottle and pour
The fist I raised in anger
Brought me to the manger
Where the Son of God was born
For this sin He was scorned
To die for the very reason
That my life is in this season
God hear my cry
See me with Your eyes
I want to go home where my true love waits
Where my children wonder why I am late
God, my King with all my heart
I thank You for this new start
My love you have my word
On the wings of eagles we will soar
And the darkness is nevermore
This is to God and my Wife
written by JI as he did not state he wanted his name used.
Dear Donna,
Wow, that was so much to deal with. I can remember my fear everyday that he would sneak up and kill me when I was walking from my car, he would call me and tell me he snuck in the house and held a knife to my throat as I had slept the night before. I knew my life would be hell. Then, 1 1/2 years after he tried to kill me, 2nd restraining ordering hand, I got the call he died of a heart attack in his sleep. I thought it was a bad joke at first so that I would let my guard down. Theng it sank in. It was hard as I attended the funeral for the sake of our son.
I had prayed for years that he die so that I could escape. I too am grateful that he died for I never would have been free from him. Horrible to wish for but you will now never have to look over your shoulder again. Still get counseling so that you can deal with what has happened to you. This will make you healthy for you. Do all that you dream, life has just begun.
Thank you for sharing, keep us posted as you will be a great support for others. You are not alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Rebecca, It truly amazes me how some things that you would never find come along just when you need them in your life.
It has been a whirlwind week for me. I was battered and strangled until my eyes filled with blood in “07” had 2 broken ribs and it still took me over 2 years to get my case to trial.
Of course he had his onturage of his family/enablers with him and they hired the past prosecutor here in our small town who is nothing but a scumbag himself.
Long story, after many continuances for things like it was some attorneys birthday, some attorneys wife or kids birthday, spring break, fall break, holidays we finally went to trial in Feb. “09” Of course by then I was exhausted and had been ask so many times over and over to repeat “now tell us what did happen that night”. I never swayed.
I decided to leave the case in my county with a NEW female, young prosecutor because I believed in several things. She was new & would love a big win, it was her county all of her life as was mine, she represented my daughter a few years ago and did a good job, and I thought the community would rally around me since I certainly wasn’t the first he had attacked, just the first to come forward. His family had a LARGE amount of money and paid about $50,000 keep him out of jail.
Long Story short…Not Guilty of strangulation, Guilty of Domestic Battery, dropped from a felony to a mis. and battery for breaking my ribs. 2 years, 90 days in jail do 43, probation until Nov. of 2010.
My nerves were starting to get the best of me thinking that soon he would be free from probation. 3 weeks ago he sent me a letter of apology ordered by the Judge and some restitution. The letter seemed sincere and it was his signature but I wonder if he even read it or just signed a piece of paper and then the letter was written. Whichever there was a reason for showing up when it did. On Sept. 18th, 2010 at approx. 10 P.M. I received a text message that my batterer had had a fatal heart attack. Like I said my life has been a whirlwind of so many things, disbelief, shock, numbness, crying, praying, laughing, panic attack that night, and wondering how all of the ones in the ontourage are going to respond to his death and to me as the “victim”. Time will tell.
Like I said, things come into your life just when you need them the most as did this poem. I have never seen this site and the first poem I read on your site could have been and probably has been written by him now, even though I’m sure he only faced the “Final Judge” for just a brief moment.
Thank you for this site and Keep me updated on new things. My healing is just beginning for I would have never felt safe or slept knowing that he was on the street again. Oh By the way, he was 55 and I was 53 at the time of the abuse. We both had wonderful jobs, he an electrician and I worked for General Motors in Quality Control, beautiful homes, and beautiful families. Domestic Violence has no one “Special” picked out it can and does happen to anyone.
Thank you, Donna
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Dear Trish,
Such heartbreak you have gone through. My heart is with you and your children. I found a great site http://womenslaw.org/ my hope is that it will be some help to you. You are not crazy but that is what abusers and lawyers try to do to get you to run away and be quiet. I stood alone until a woman from the abuse shelter stood beside me and held my hand in court. I feel this happened because he had called the court days leading up to case saying I didn’t deserve to have the restraining order renewed. He was drunk at the time.
I am grateful that you won custody of your son but as you said, at what cost? We can’t fix or resolve our pasts. I wish that I had some wonderful words of wisdom to offer you tonight to make everything better. I am ten years out of my abuse and live in peace finally, nigthmares just stopped. It takes so very long to recover, even longer when you are forced to live daily trying to get out of it all.
You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. Kiss your babies, they are lucky to have you and one day may you have the life of your dreams.
Let us know what we can do to support you here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Our society and particularly our judicial system perpetuates and even instigates abuse. Police do not want to investigate violence or rape, it costs them money and the evidence of such mars their town’s good name. In the Judicial system women are absolutely naked, they must first and foremost overcome the unfortunate condition of having been born a woman with the stigma of mental illness, greedy money hungry manipulator, and that anything they say or do against their abuser is a ploy for money or custody.
How many women back down from testifying against their abusers, are these men convicted because it is a sure sign of abuse when their victim is too scared to testify?
How many women show up to court alone while their abuser rallies the troops?
I spoke with a custody evaluator about my case, she told me that in 20 years of doing her job she knew a woman was telling the truth when no one would stand up for her.
I have lost nearly everyone in my life in the fight for my life and my child’s life. Sometimes when I showed up in court not even my attorney would be there. I’ve had several attorneys simply drop the case, others I’ve had to fire. . . . all of them Mormon, all of them men, all of them simply concluding that I was crazy after police failed to do a rape investigation.
I kind of feel like after all of this I am crazy, every day with my infant son was as if it might be my last. Being passed around like property, being threatened with insane charges from attorneys that conveniently lost all of my evidence in the 5 months they have been ignoring my calls, emails and letters. . . . every new attorney I speak with claims that the things that happened to me don’t happen in this country and require $5-$10,000 retainers just to look into it. . . .
I used to be strong and brave and tenacious and intelligent with all this amazing potential for success. Its been so long I’ve been fighting, in and out of homelessness, unemployed, underemployed. . . . at one point resorting to subsistence living with an infant because the court forced me to stay, kept me from a job, denied me child support yet granted visitation. . . .
I am so very tired now. It might seem like after all that I have won, I have custody of my son. . . for now but at what cost? It is still not over yet. . .
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Powerful words. Thanks for posting.
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