I received the following post in another location and as always felt it would be best to start a new posting to support this woman.
Submitted on 2011/01/26 at 1:46 am
I´ve read almost everything on the website. On those who´ve left and those who are still chained. I´m chained and embarrassed by it. I´ll say what it is, after 12 years of marriage, I cheated on him. I don´t want to use the abuse as an excuse. I found a time of peace. I should have looked for God or therapy. I didn´t. That has made the abuse escalate to degrees I never imagined could. All verbal. He said I was a bad person and he would ´take me to hell and back so I could be reborn into a better person´. Sounds impossible but he did. He broke me down to nothing and redefined me as worthless. I am ultimately feeling worthless because of me. I know that. But he reminds me so often. A lot of you know the phrases, ´I wish you were dead, you should leave this house, I was with the other woman because you made me angry, I don´t know if I want to be with you.. you are so #$%&@ and on and on.´ Sleepless nights of endless sermons and violent whispers like sitting in a waiting room wondering when the next arrow is going to carve through your soul. I´ve finally decided after 4 years of escalated abuse to call home. To call mom. I’ve lived in Mexico since I got married leaving my family behind in the US. Don´t have friends, he sabotaged the two times I´ve tried going to therapy and well, I´m chained and ashamed of it. I´m not afraid to be a single mom… I´m afraid, I think of living without his approval. I know what you´re all thinking but… I haven´t seen the light. I apologize to all you strong women who´ve gotten out because this here is a weak link. Perhaps one day staying will be that much worse. I´ll wait.
Rocomosa
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January 26, 2011
Dear Rocomosa,
Such a beautiful name you have, since you posted your name I have left it here. I was so happy to see that you reached out for support. First rule on this blog, judgment free zone. We understand all the reasons why others decide to stay because we have all made those same decisions at one time or another, so let that worry go. We are here to support you at no matter what stage of abuse you are at. We would all prefer to be cheering you on as you are off on your own living the life you want, but you will get there. I know you want more, I can here it.
Your story is heartbreaking, yes I know you cheated and the guilt must be horrible, but you will live with that, this is no way makes you deserve the abuse. What would you tell a dear friend to do? You would tell her she deserves more and to get out now. Don’t let him sabatage you another day, you don’t deserve it.
I would and did prefer to be a single mom than to live and die more another day in front of my son. I understand that you are embarrased, I was there too, the hardest person to forgive with all that happened was me, the lady in the mirror. Finally, one day you will look in that mirror and see that you are here for more than this.
Remember, most times verbal abuse leads to physical. We teach others how to treat us, if you continue to stay, he will take that as his ability to treat you even worse, although verbal abuse stays with you longer than physical abuse for it is harder to forget.
You said something that saddened me to the end of my soul, perhaps one day staying will be that much worse, I’ll wait. What is it that you are waiting for? Your children to bury you. To be physically hurt? I urge you to sit and write, it would do you well. Even though no one will ever read it, even if you chose to write here where it will support others, can help to clear the fog in your head. I often said I was so close to things that it was hard to see a way out.
I am here for you as well as the other readers. I have set up a stand alone post string for you. It is easier for you directly to get the support you need. Your post can get lost in the location it is now and I don’t want to see that happen. I want you to know that you are never alone, we have walked in your shoes and want to help you walk those shoes out the door into a better life.
Keep in touch, you are worth more than this, your children too.
Readers, help me to support this woman dealing with so much pain. This blog is for this reason, lets show what this amazing group of ladies can do to support one another, or what is the point of all that we went through.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Dear Planner,
You got it, time to get out for good. Don’t waste another day wishing for him to change, decide to make the changes you need. You can do it Planner.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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To Whom It May Concern:
Have been in an abusive relationship on and off for years. Have left several times already, each time further financially hurting myself. Planning another move in months. God willing this time I will finally be free. No one deserves to live this beautiful life so poorly and sad. We don’t have to fix them. We need to shift the focus back onto us as much as possible to better our circumstances for survival once we’re out on our own. We’ve already suffered enough, and don’t need to stick around so they once again can pull a fake out.
Sincerely,
Planner
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Dear Rocamosa,
Thank you for sharing and mostly for being so honest. You have to know what you are trying to heal, change and honesty is key. No matter who comes into your life, it is you that must love and respect you the most. I hope that you will find healing and encouragement here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Almost Free,
Allow me to focus on the other man. When I confessed to my husband about Mr. X (as ‘I’ve been there’ used), I thought this was the moment when he would finally listen. LISTEN TO ME!! Well, he didn’t. He made sure after endless months of endless dark nights that I call myself a wh@#re. I insulted myself so much. I confessed to my 3 children what I’d done out of his incessant threats, he had me look at myself entirely naked in the mirror and described to him all my flaws (cellulite, fat, wrinkles, etc.) so I could see how Mr. X really saw me, I accepted another woman in our bed once to please him hoping he’d forgive me, I finished a breakfast with tears rolling down at a fancy restaurant with him watching through the window because if I didn’t he’d scream at everyone there that I was a Wh@#$re, he left me on a sidewalk with nothing but what I was wearing and asked me to never come home, to never see my children, he left the house countless times only to call me every 5 minutes and cry about how hurt he was and come back home and the list still goes on. This ALL happened because I was with Mr. X. I know he is abusive but Mr. X whom I thought showed me a life of peace was really a means to what I chose and how I chose to deal with my life at the time, to be a wh@#$re. I get it, he should’ve shown me I can be appreciated and I really thought like you. But instead of looking for a psychologist, therapist, mom, sister, anything I chose to be what he calls me at night. Can you see where I’m coming from? I think of Mr. X as a positive part of my past and I feel I’m just fooling myself. I think of him as the worse and it wasn’t. Your comments would help. A lot. This is what hurts so much.
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Dear Mary,
I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with. My heart goes out to you. I understand the fear of leaving. I often say we stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying, you will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving. This is no way to live, you don’t deserve it. You will only leave when you are ready, that day will come, hopefully soon. The longer that you stay the more damage that is done. It is amazing what we can survive. I can remember living in survival mode, now I am living.
Thank you for reaching out, let me know how we can support you to have the strength to leave for good and not look back.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Almost Free,
Sometimes we need a fresh set of eyes to see us. Let go of the fact that you cheated, it serves no one, you only need to live with yourself, not justify it to anyone. I appreciate that you have been so honest on here with everyone. Take one day at a time and take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I was pursued by a younger man as I struggled to leave my abusive husband after 20 years. I turned away from him over and over as I struggled to “fix” my marriage but he was so mean to me and it became physical. I allowed myself to feel again with this young man and it helped me leave a very destructive situation. If I never see my friend again I will always be grateful that he helped me remember that I am beautiful and worthy of real love not name calling and getting water thrown in my face. Did I cheat? Yes. It was for survival and I need to be healthy and whole for my children not threatened with constant unrelenting emotional punishment and abuse. Hang in there the longer you are away from his influence the more healthy you will feel!
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Escape…that’s all I can think about. I realize how many times during the years I have tried. Everytime I get close to escaping I’m drawn back in by fear. I feel like everything works against me…esp the legal system, it just adds to my fears. I’m being watched and listened to now, I don’t know when or exactly what room. His new survalliance system for a child custody battle? I assume. Or for fear? I wake up each day wondering how much more can I take of this and yet I seem to get through another day.
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Dear Rocamosa,
Thank you for leaving such honest, real comments here, it will help so many others while it helps you too. Keep looking in the mirror, you will get to where you need to be. Keep writing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear ‘I’ve been there’,
I already answered once but realized not what I’d wanted to say to you. I can’t stop thinking about what you said. The part about you spilling something and expecting the ‘scolding’ when in fact it became something of little importance. I can’t stop thinking about that. When I was seeing the other man, I’ve never ever told anyone until now but I felt at peace. I didn’t feel threatened and in our intimacy, I wasn’t afraid of that hard (sorry to say this) and incessant anal sex. For the first time in years I felt at peace in that respect. The more I think about it the more I realize that with my weight I also felt okay. I would expect a comment about my hair, make up, what I wore and everything was just not commented on. I realized he was okay with who I was. Now that we are trying to survive this, I am again trying to please him. I’m down 30 pounds and I know I’m doing it for myself but right in the middle of my brain is an island filled with what I do to please him that I’m uncomfortable with. I know couples need to please each other but my pleasing comes from my guilt, my own insecurities, my life. I can’t forgive myself for cheating on him even though he’s also done it to me countless times. I can’t seem to throw anything back at him. He doesn’t allow me to. I feel I have no right. As I write I get angry and I wish I could punch a hole in the wall but I know when he comes home, I’ll be ready to please. I know the drill, he walks through the doors, I walk up to him, take his jacket from him, eye him and grade his expression, ask him a nonsense question and pay attention to the tone and volume of his answer, observe how he treats the kids and then I choose to act out scene 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, or 10. Thank you for helping me feel anger today. I actually yelled at him a bit over the phone!! It will come back to me tonight. But I yelled at him over the phone and my kids were surprised! Yay! I think.
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Dear I’ve been there…
… and all you have taken the time to write to me. It’s a mix between a warm feeling of belonging with feeling pity for myself. I read the replies and (I loathe this) tears roll down nonstop. I haven’t written back because I haven’t found a private time to do it. Since I started speaking out here I began feeling stronger. Strong enough to begin thinking about perhaps consider and wonder leaving. Then one night at 2 am while on a road trip our car turned over several times with my 3 children, my husband and me. With the wheels in the air and the car windows smashed to bits, we all walked out of the wreckage. After assuring our children were fine he came up to me, hugged me, apologized and blamed himself for everything. I apologized too and returned the hug even tighter. His words were ‘I promise that all is in the past and I will love you again as I once did.’ It scared me because after so much abuse, would it be possible? I thought noone would ever love me again even less so, him! So for the next few weeks I accepted all his high school affection. It felt wonderful!! I kept talking to God in my head asking him, “What have I done in my life to deserve my family walking out of that accident with not even a scratch plus all this love from my husband?” So I returned the gesture whenever I could. But… in the last week, there have been two episodes. Not major, a bit of name-calling but they are there. I ask myself if this is the beginning of hell again or am I just so darn difficult to live with or what? Disappointment is what I am feeling right now. We were actually making plans to move back to the states!! In the last some hours, that might not happen. I admit I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to face making the decision of leaving but my heart and soul are telling me again that there will be no escaping. All your responses have helped me to not lose sight. ‘Thank you for reminding me Rebecca that there is a reflection in the mirror I’d forgotten existed. Rocamosa
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Dear Rocomosa,
I can relate to so much of your story… My ex was extremely verbally abusive and controlling. I became addicted to Xanax bc it was the only way I knew how to cope with his tirades, accusations and those horrible words that made my head want to explode. The only thing that seemed to calm him down was when I agreed with his insults and accusations and began to verbally abuse myself!
Then, I met Mr. X…he was cute and funny and normal. I vividly remember spilling my drink and watching with dread as the liquid pooled on the floor, remembering how my ex would yell at me or say something nasty like I wasn’t appreciative or I was wasteful or I did something to spill the drink on purpose to hurt him…but Mr. X just laughed and pretended to be a dog & lap up the mess with his tongue. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing–Laughing? And then he cleaned it up without a complaint? Wow! Needless to say, I cheated on the abuser. I don’t regret it..meeting Mr. X propelled me to seek a better life for myself.
I also had to realize that I wasn’t ready for a romantic relationship…it’s not enough to date someone just bc they don’t abuse you. I needed to get in touch with myself and learn to love myself again. It didn’t happen overnight, I’m still working on it.
But I want to tell you this… Be gentle on yourself. And be forgiving of your mistakes. You have been deeply wounded. Violated by the person you trust and love. You didn’t *cheat* on him..he cheated you first. He cheated you of the respect you deserve. He cheated you of love and happiness. And he cheated you of being an partner and equal in the relationship. That is wrong, no one deserves to be treated like that.
When you have been hurt so deeply, it is only human to question what went wrong or to seek comfort somewhere else. But you didn’t *cheat*. You didn’t go out and on purpose seek to be unfaithful or to hurt this man. You were hurt, confused and going through alot of pain…what you did was because of the chaos and dysfunction you were living in, not because you are a “cheater”. You didn’t have the motivation or intent to cheat…and your remorse proves that. Then again when all you know about love is abuse, you will in turn to abusive behavior.
I’m not trying to justify or excuse my choice or yours, just to say these choices come from some pretty painful, dark experiences. We need to forgive ourselves so we can heal and move into a healthier, happier life. And we need to also recognize that we made these choices, and specifically the choice to be with another person, for a reason… it’s up to you to honestly seek out what that reason is. For me, that reason said I am not being treated well in this relationship, I really do need love in my life…and from there, I began to seek healing and to end this abusive relationship. What choice and realizations you come to are your own journey…and I support you and send prayers. You are courageous in speaking out, and I hope these posts help you on that journey.
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Dear Tede,
I always love hearing from you, you are always so honest and inspring. I too have read that it can take 7 ore more times before we live for good, this is pretty close for me too. It is even worse as they are more angry because you left and exposed them to others.
You are a strong and encouraging woman to me and everyone around you. You are doing all the rights things and I am thankful that you have come here and shared so much of yourself. You inspire me to keep writing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anonymous,
So few words but so revealing and sad. I am so sorry for all that you are going through and hope that someday soon we will hear that you have left and found away out of this horrible world. Be safe, we are here and let us know how we can help you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am also chained and embrassed.For the past 7 yrs.We have been married for 28 years.He never verbally or physically abused me not, even while we were dating.
but,the isolation and underminning for the majority was there.The last few years has literally exposed me to how even other women blame women for the abuse.I myself know the truth of living a chained existance.I have faith that myself and all other women will be released.God be with us all.
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I heard a statistic, that on average women try to leave there abuser 7 times, before it actually happeneds & they leave.
This wasnt the case for me… I kept wanting & waiting for him to change.
Then one night, (maybe a few times) I seriously thought he was going to kill me. I was 9 months pregnant with a boy. My daughter & I were prisinors of cruelty & fear. I waited & began to make a plan…gathering Information, educating myself on these types of abusive men.
It all came together over time…start reaching & asking & for guidence.
I knew if I didn’t leave, I might hurt or even kill him. That scared me so much, that was not who I was. It was a result of years of violence & emotionl abuse. I thought about my little girl won’t end up with someone like her Father. My little boy won’t become an abuser like his Father. I left. It has been the absolute hardest thing ever. Not gonna sugar coat it. I know in my Soul & for God as my witness, I DID THE RIGHT THING!
I pray for you to love yourself enough… To just be…I am sorry for your pain..
You don’t deserve to be treated bad. Your body is a temple… No one has the right to hurt you. Love your kids enough to leave.
When your leaving (when your ready) BE SAFE!!!!
Listen to your instincts…
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Oh dear sweet heart,
Yes, you did take the bait of Satan (who has your husband firmly in his (its) grips), bu having an affair, but if you were to examine Malachi, Ephesians 5, and all the other scriptures that speak specifically about the special subset of relationship designed by God – the husband/wife bonded by sex and children (and vows to each other and to God) relationship, it is only your husband who has been commanded by God to love you just like Jesus loves each one of us (the church) – with agape love, which means undeserved love, in addition to unconditional love.
In the Bible, going back to the original Greek and/or Aramaeic, wives are commanded to only phileo love their husbands, which means with brotherly love.
Eventually, when husbands love and cherish their wives, even when she doesn’t deserve it at times, (women mess up soemtimes, just like men do), she will respond to his love and cherish by loving and cherishing him back. So eventually, agape love becomes mutual – from husband to wive and then back from wife to husband.
Why does it work (in most cases) like this? Because of our chromosomes and resulting biochemistries and physiologies, including the b&p of the brain: Men have XY chromosomes wihich causes a testosterone based b&p (which affects the brain and it’s perceptions), and women have XX chromosomes, which casues an estrogen based b&p, which affects the brain and its perceptions in a very different way.
In addition, natural selection has reinforced that men arew initiators and women are responders. Again, eventually, women (in the special subset of male/female bonded marriage with children relationship) will respond to their husband’s love so well, that they will start initiating love back. (Women are initiators in the workplace and in academia all on their own.)
So, that is a long laying-out-the-case way to say that while, yes, it would be better to not give your abuser any ammunition to be able to utilize as a smoke screen for those who do not get it, God holds your husband much more responsible for your affair than you know.
It sounds like you have already authentically repented to God. he knows your heart. He always forgives when there is authentic apology. It is done. You don’t have to beat yourself up any more about this. (Just don’t enter into another relationship until 1) you are divorced from your abuser (and don’t worry, no one will judge you for the length of time it might take you to get away) and 2) your wounds are healed enough so that you won’t replace abuser #1 with abuser #2.
Your children are watching you. That might be your best motivation for cutting off your chains….but again, we all understand how difficult it is and how our culture makes it difficult, and that’s not just financially.
I am praying for you.
Blessings,
Deborah
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