I know this site is often focused on sad things, healing and moving on. Today I wanted to write about living in the grateful of today. For some of you, I know there seems like nothing to be grateful for, I have been there too. At times the only grateful I had was that I was holding my rosary in my hand so that if I died it would be with me. He broke my Rosary out of jealousy one night, to this day I never had it fixed, not sure why, maybe just a reminder of what was and will never be again.
For those of you that are out of immediate danger just being able to breath is something to be grateful for. I can remember how happy I was that I could open the window shades and let sunshine into my home as he always had them shut, it was a depressing home to say the least. Now, the first thing I still do every morning is open the shades and let the light in. Sitting and having a cup of coffee all to myself, no one talking to me, forcing myself to stay focused on the hot coffee and smell, clearing my head for the day.
I am sitting now with that same broken rosary grateful for this moment as I think of the full circle moment I had yesterday. I had listened to Martina McBride’s Independence Day for years, during some of the most difficult times in my life, I was not selecting the song it would just happen to play on the TV country station my husband would have on all the time. I would pretend to not really be interested as I went about my day but would focus on every word she sang. I was in the midst of the abuse she was singing about and that song was like someone else knew I was there and knew what I was going through. I was always worried he would know what I was thinking when this song played.
Even during the ten or more years I have been free that song will still stop me in my tracks. Well for my full circle, I went to a baseball game tonight, my guy made sure it happened as Martina was singing after the game. When she sang her first song, the survivor one about breast cancer, I began to cry. It was such an odd release, I wasn’t sad but I knew that she would be singing Independence Day soon and I was emotional.
The song came, I rarely cried, only a little towards the end. It was surreal as my now 23 year old son was sitting in the row behind me with his little 1 year old boy and wife nearby. I had the people I love most in the world sitting around me, all knowing what that song meant to me. They saw me crying and just smiled lovingly at me.Watching her on stage, how strong she was and how strong I had become was freeing. The song now had new meaning to me, it means for me to keep strong, never allow abuse back into my life, help others to see they can be free too, just a song from Martina to remind me where I have been, to be grateful for what I have today, safety and freedom and true love.
You may not have all of this today but find one thing that you do have to hold onto. Find the little things to inspire you, reading with your children, being outside in the sun, writing in a journal, certain songs, that one always does it for me, certain music. Find something to get you through whatever you are dealing with. You will make it one day, why not today? Be grateful for something as little as opening the windows and letting the sunshine in.I think of everyone that comes here all the time, if I were given magic powers or maybe one wish it would be that domestic violence was something that used to happen in the world, something we talked about in the past tense, something that once was, not something many deal with every day. It would be that you be free, happy and safe. May that one wish come true for all of you.
Please share what you are grateful for today, it often helps others to see what they may be taking for granted. What are you most grateful for today?
May you have your full circle moment, your Independence Day.
Love & Peace,