I am so happy you found this site and that it gave you the strength to finally leave, it sends chills down my arms. If we can get women out sooner, the better off the world will be.
My biggest piece of advice, click around on this site for more support. Learn to not care about what others think of you, once you can do that, it is like an entire new life. The only opinion that matters is yours honey. No one will fully understand what you went through. So what if they don’t understand your moody days or why you are not read to forgive? We don’t have to make everyone understand and side with us, that takes too much energy. Energy you should put into your own self care.
Find that makes you feel better and do it. Counseling, writing, readying, finding friends that don’t judge. The friends you lost or betrayed you, let them go, they are not worth the pain, there are more people out there to love you without making you feel this way. You deserve to feel supported and loved, always. On the other hand, don’t be mad at those that don’t understand, don’t share that stuff with them.
There are some posts here too about the anger, that is normal and you need to deal with it, find ways. It was the hardest part for me. You keep playing the horrible things he did to you over and over in your head and wonder why you are so angry or can’t let go, that is way. Change what you are playing in your head, this is the hardest thing to learn. You decide what to put your thoughts and focus on, not anyone else.
Journal, it is a great way to clear your head since you don’t share it with anyone. Spend time alone if you can, think of what you really want in life, set goals again, dream, it can still be.
I left my abusive fiancé just over 3 months ago, and it was this website that finally gave me that boost in courage and strength to do so. If I hadn’t had found these quotes and the supportive comments, I don’t think I would have left and for that I thank you all.
I finally told my father that I needed to get out, I was in a foreign country and it seemed nearly impossible, what with my life being under total control and flight times unpredictable. I had to sneak out in the early hours of the morning and I was convinced he would wake up or come to find me. Somehow, everything went to plan and I got out. Someone was looking out for me, I don’t know who or what, but I thank them every day.
At the moment I’m at a very angry stage. Im trying not to allow it to consume me but it’s very hard, especially when everyone around me is just telling me to forgive, which just seems to anger me even more. I’ve become very anxious, my thoughts can get consumed with memories and I cringe at myself. I’ve been angry towards my mother and I don’t know why, if anyone has experienced something similar with holding resentment toward a parent please let me know your thoughts.
I am thankful that my family believe what has happened and are allowing me to stay with them while I find my feet but unfortunately many of my friends have sided with him and that’s been very hurtful and lonely, some have even helped him to contact me, which I did not appreciate whatsoever.
I guess the hardest thing is when I try to talk to my family about it and get them to understand why, perhaps, I am angry or not happy that day etc. but I dont seem to be voicing myself well because they often react to me as though I am a moody adolescent, when I’m in fact really hurting and the last thing I need is to be reprimanded for feeling angry.
I am still lucky to have their support and I am so sorry for those of you who don’t. Please, please, please contact me if you want to. We need all the support we can and if I can just be one more woman in that circle of strength, it’s better than remaining silent.
some one should create a list where women / men / children can add their abusers name for everyone to see! Google is a great place to start. I would be the first to add a name! My husband..mohammed farouk!
Great to hear, words mean nothing when not backed up by actions, he can tell you forever he has changed, what is does shows you the true colors. Glad to hear you finally changed and demanded more in your life.
You are the blessing lady. Knowing that I helped you in anyway makes it worthwhile. We all need someone to understand and not judge. You are going to have an amazing life, I can tell from your energy. Give all that you can give. Be happy, be revenge.
I’m moving on! I’ve had no contact at all with him for a week. The police are charging him and I’ve had so much support and help in dealing with my mixed emotions. I see clearly now and my life is getting so much better. It’s truly amazing and I am eternally grateful to the depths of my soul for all the wonderful things and people that have shown up in my time of need. I am learning so much about myself and about why I attract bad things into my life and I know now that I am on the right path and I’m truly blessed and humbled by the kindness that has been shown to me.
Thank you, Rebecca for your support, advice and kindness to a perfect stranger. You are without a doubt a truly beautiful soul.
You got it, he chose to…. now you are choosing to …. be safe, live your life, be respected. Each day that you stay away from him you are choosing your life over his games. It will be hard and unbearable at times, but just imagine having your neck broken or another limb, one day it would be too late. You made the best choice of all, you.
Thank you Juliette and Rebecca.
I saw my counselor yesterday and she was an enormous help in getting me closer to understanding things. Like how he cycles, and how alcoholics escalate, and how he’s currently in the remorse phase.
I miss him, but I have been reading about emotional detachment and trying so hard to detach from him.
We are having less and less phone contact and have had no in person contact since he broke my wrist.
What eats at me is the face that right before he punched me in the head that day, he looked calmly into my eyes and made the choice to do it. He claims he was trying to stop me from shoving him but he is bigger and stronger than me and if he really wanted to stop me he would have walked out of my house. I had no way to restrain him. He choose to punch me and then twist my arm until my wrist broke.
He chose to play mind games and confuse and belittle me.
He chose to disrespect and hurt me.
How can I love a man who maliciously and deliberately hurts me?
I’m slowly moving on. It’s not easy. It hurts but it’s a pain that will fade in time and a pain that gives me purpose.
I was so happy to hear back from you. One day at a time, do what you need to do at that moment. The strong that you get, the less that you will need any contact from him. soon you will realize that he is a major negative in hour life. You will never get the life you want until you leave the life you are in. You will never meet a man that appreciates and love you while you have him in your life. Life is about you feeling safe and fulfilled. For children, feeling safe is more important than anything.
Happy you are getting the help you need. Keep in touch, you are inspiring others with your strength. We know it is hard, but the work is worth it.
Calli: I hear you. i hope that your wrist heals fast. living well is the best revenge.
i have to admit, my ex fiancee started abusing me after we followed our dream of moving to California. the move was stressful. one day he took my phone away, then he started controlling me. the yelling and screaming started and then he put his thumb in my eye. my eye looked like a golf ball, i was so scared and shocked, on the way to the hospital, he stopped and picked up some weed, if you can believe that, then once we got to the hospital, he did all the talking he stated that we were playing baseball and the baseball hit me in the eye…(my eye is ok now, just like your wrist will be ok with time and healing) things progressed from there…
at this time, he has been diagnosed with bi polar, and aspergers (a form of autism, 80% of relationships fail with aspergers). now it all makes sense. im an analytical person and i never could understand his oddities, but now they make perfect sense. hes brain is ill and there is no cure. Once the diagnoses was handed down, and more to come since he has a appt with a psychiatrist in one week, my love changed. i still love him, but i realize, he really can hurt me or kill me. I realized i can never ever be with him due to his ailments and my own safety concerns, it made it easy for me to mentally move on.
I have to admit, a man that strikes a woman is a coward and needs to go to jail. you always have the option of going to the police station and fill out a report after the fact, and then submit an application for a temporary restraining order against him and attach a copy of the police report and medical records with the city or county courts. let him know if he ever strikes you, you will call the police. a man who strikes a woman is sick, even if he is not diagnosed, he is mentally ill. No one can live with a mentally ill person,
be happy, love your self, every little bit of yourself, the good the bad..you do not deserve a broken wrist. or to be abused in anyway. i mediate and listen to my zen master, i practice yoga, and take my doggie on walks, he is my best friend. need to find a healthy outlet, like go for a walk, or watch.a funny movie or listen to some great music you enjoy. xoxo juliette
I wrote this – hope it’s ok to share it. I posted it on my poetry blog last Dec. I won’t link my blog just yet as it contains my real name and details and I’m not ready to share those here yet. I hope you understand.
You rage against the demon
You fight the beast inside
You bend, you break, you crumble
As you cling to what’s left of your pride
You’re weakened from the nightmare
You’re ravaged from the pain
You sink into the comforting darkness
As the faceless lay the blame
You feel so broken, so empty
There’s blood smeared over your face
You long to leave the void behind
To feel a loving embrace
But the hand that reaches out to you
Is the one that gave the shove
That sent you down the spiral
And told you it was love
Thank you Rebecca,
I won’t go back. I’m focusing all my energy on not going back, on moving on and getting help. I’m seeing a domestic violence counselor who I have seen before and who knows the background. I’m seeing a psychologist. I have a young child to protect.
I made my statement to the police, they say he will likely be charged with assault occasioning bodily harm.
He rang me today and apologized, told me he loves me and will never forgive himself.
I feel like this time it’s my fault because I hit him. I have never done that before.
My heart is broken. I just want it all to go away. I want to be strong enough not to talk to him when he begs me.
Thanks for writing back. What you feel is normal. You are the one that gets to make a big decision, return to this man and die. When a man is abusive, you leave and return, abuse gets worse. When you leave and let him back again, worse. I know this to be true. If you let this man back in your life you have decided on your fate and destiny. He will without a shadow of a doubt change. We can’t change other, we can barely change ourselves. While I don’t judge you if you return, you always will regret it. You will be one of the many woman that dies at the hands of her abuser, or lives a horrible abusive live and wonders why didn’t I stay away when I had the chance.
Dive into self help, counseling, focus on only you. I promise you that there is an amazing man out there for you but wouldn’t a life be better to live free and safe than to be with a man that you wish respected you.
My prayer for the day is that you don’t return. Write back.
Thank you Rebecca,
I feel so guilty because I know if he asked me to come back, I would. I’m told what I feel is not love but co-dependence. Either way, the feeling that only he can make this go away, only he can make this better, is a strong one.
He used to drink and push me around, verbally abuse me, threaten me with weapons, hit, knee and intimidate me. His favourite thing was to twist my arm behind my back. That’s how he broke my wrist. We have been seperated for several months but we were still seeing each other and trying to work things out.
I discovered he has been lying and cheating and drinking the whole time.
I feel so used and betrayed. Even now most of my thoughts are about the lies and cheating, I can’t understand why I’m more upset about those things than the fact that he broke my wrist.
I guess the one silver lining is that I had a protection order and he has breached it. I hope something happens to him to change his behaviour.
I would hate for the next woman he dates to go through this or worse because I didn’t do anything about it.
I am so sorry, it is such a time of feeling so alone. The hardest part is it allows you time to talk to yourself which I found hard. Find online resources to talk too, you are not alone, reach out like you have here. Take one step at a time to rebuild your life. The road is hard so just focus on what is most important today.
Keep in touch, let us know how we can support you.
I have been trying to reach out to women who may relate to a book of poems I have self-published. Feel free to visit my website and if interested, I’d be willing to send out a free copy of the book to you. http://magalissandoval.weebly.com
I also put together a youttube video for one of the poems in the book titled, Trapped. You can view it here
Feel free to use it on your site. I plan to share your site with others as well.
That made me cry when reading. Forgive me for taking so long, I had site issues. Your post will help many. I am thankful for that man that day, he did save you. So much to go through at such a young age. I pray that you get the help you need, counseling is key. Recovery is long and hard but worth it. You have so much to give in life, I am so happy that you are hear to live it.
So sorry for all that you went through. It was along time ago for me, I am well beyond my past.
I hope that soon you will be able to say the same. The best revenge I say is to live a good life. He doesn’t matter anymore. If he isn’t interfering with your life all the better. Take the time you have been given and take care of yourself so that you can take good care of your children. Work hard so that they never have to live the way that you have so far.
Focus on what you want your life to be. You were meant to be more in life than what has happened to you.
I am so sorry for all that you have all been through. I truly know your Pain!!! I was with my ex 16 yrs. We have has 5 Kids. One was stillborn in 1997 because of him beating me so much. January 2012. We finally ended. I couldn’t take it anymore and I also found our he was cheating. I can’t stand that either and it opened my eyes more. I had got my daughter taken away from Cps because of the abuse. I just now got her back because we aren’t together. I got a restraining order
for the third time. I just
hope for once he stays away. He has a new gf
)
lol whatever. She thinks he isn’t wonderful and I’m a stupid bitch. Jokes on her. He doesn’t see my kids either. He.doesn’t try and even if he did over my dead body hell no!!!!!
The most amazing thing happened. I was saved. A complete stranger saved my life and the craziest part is this man will never even know how much he saved me. My boyfriend is abusive. He hits hard and takes his anger to a physical level with me. His roommates have seen and do nothing. It became so bad that leaving was unsafe for me to try to do. He would force me to stay in the room with him and I was starting to slip out of reality. I began to hate everything. And I lost my faith in humanity. No one was willing to help me or save me from this kid who’s anger was so out of control. His roommates would act as nothing ever happened. Then I was basically trapped in a car with him he wouldnt take me back to campus and he was hurting me so he stopped at a circle k and I left. I decided to walk back to campus. I get about five minutes out when I hear footsteps behind me then bam I was hit in the head. He then gets in front of me and starts screaming and not letting me walk trying to force me back. Well apparently a car driving by saw what happened and the guy turned around pulls up next to us and gets out of the car. He starts screaming at my boyfriend about how you never lay your hands on a woman and that if he wanted to hit someone then my boyfriend could hit him. He then turned to me and said I could walk if I wanted to do I left. That man restored my faith in humanity. He singled handedly gave me hope and made me want to continue living. Thank you sir. I will never know who you are but you saved me and I will forever be thankful.
I wrote this about a month ago. Less then a week later I finally went to the cops. For any one who is currently suffering from abuse I want you to know you are not alone and there are complete strangers who care about what’s happening to you. I know you don’t believe it right now, hell I’m not going to lie I still don’t believe it 100% but this is not your fault! You did choose to have them hurt you. You did not choose for the violence and the fear. It is not your fault. No matter what they say.
Wow, thanks for sharing all of that. I am so proud that you have escaped. Women who leave, have to say the hell with anyone that judges them, who does that help? Not you. Once you live this way it helps you to not judge another as easily. I see a woman with her head down, you know. I am the first one to say something when I hear someone make horrible comments to say a news story, dummy, why didn’t she just leave. I tried to leave several times and was held a knife point and tortured until I surrender and had no will to leave. Let another live your life for one day and come back and judge it.
Keep up all that you do, you inspire me and others. Keep in touch.
Thank you. I lived in the abuse for 11 years. I would have stayed forever. I would have just put up with it if he hadn’t cheated on me. Sad, but true. I really believed he had all the power. Leaving sounded completely impossible, and I wasn’t even sure it was what I wanted. He’d told me repeatedly that he’d take my kids, or he’d kill himself, or he’d kill my family, or he’d kill me. It was easy to believe him with a knife in his hands. When I found out about the affair, we fought and (of course) he got physical. My anger gave me the courage to finally make that call. That was 2 months ago. I was overwhelmed by support. There really is help out there. I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until I began to tell people about it. The things that had slowly become my normal were shocking to others. The charges won’t stick, but my freedom will. Whenever I can’t sleep, or just need a little extra courage, I visit your site. It helps to remind me that I am not alone. I just want to thank all of you for sharing. You really are helping others.
As an abuse vicitm, I often blamed myself. If I was a bettter wife… a better mother… if I hadn’t questioned him… if I hadn’t been so late… Yes, I stayed. I let him do it. That doesn’t mean it was my fault. What bothers me about it, is that other people often blame the victim too. Although, there is freedom of choice, these choices are not without consequences. They are not easy. As a nursing student, we once discussed a fictitious situation in which a young girl was being abused by her boyfriend. One of the other students remarked, “I’d just like to smack her for being so stupid.” At the time I was living in abuse. I sarcastically thought, “yeah, sure, that’s what she needs, someone else to smack her.” It seemed to me her problem was that someone was smacking her. Part of the reason I never told anyone is because I was afraid of being judged. Judging the abused doesn’t help them, it just makes them want to hide the abuse.
Such a sad situation for everyone, especially the children involved. What can you do? She must decide that she doesn’t want to be there, you can’t force her to want to leave and want more from her life, she needs to want it. Try not to take her anger at you personal, she is the one that is very angry with what her life is. The one I am most worried about is her young child at home. He is old enough to know this isn’t how things should be.
I don’t know to what extent social services was involved but don’t give up. Fight for what you know is right, the safety of her child. I would suggest calling social services to see what more you could do. I wish that I had more to offer but have not been in this situation. I found the following guide Child Welfare Guide but try to google search terms to assist you.
I would hope that at the least that SS would be letting you know what they found to ensure the child’s safety.
My sister has been in an abusive marriage for years. We all extended our help to her but our hands are always slapped away. Her daughter left home due to his abuse, being 17 she chooses to live with friends. They have an 8 year old boy in the house with them.
My sister just recently became an alcoholic. She physically took it out on my sister and I. She was drunk and started to open up about her husband and then attacked my sister and me.
Social services have been involved but nothing came of it. He is a corrections officer and knows many people. Can we help her? What can I do to help her?
We feel hopeless for her and her children.
I can’t say I am surprised, how many times to we hear that a woman gets away and then is killed. I am so very sorry for your loss, such a large loss for your entire family. Even those not with the abuser can suffer and die as we all know. I strive to keep woman from ever entering the abuse to begin with, then there is no one to escape. Warning signs are there for a reason and we must all admit that they are there, we just tend to ignore them for love. I am happy to hear that you were able to leave your situation.
I have found that being there to listen to others is one of the biggest things you can do. I applaud you for wanting to be there for others. Let us never forget your friend and her family. We are here if you need us.
You run. I don’t know your exact situation, call the abuse hotline. They will help you make a plan, especially if you have kids. Get ready when he is not there, take what you needed and go. As far as you can. Get a protective order. Your safety is what is most important. No matter what, you already know that you don’t want to stay so start making the plan now.
Keep in touch, let us know if you found the strength to leave and start the life you deserve.
I had an abusive situation… The quote stating empty and cold is one hundred percent true.. I wrote enough to give myself the strength to walk away .. I just figured I’d share for women/men who feel they’re going to regret walking away from abusive relationships: “I panicked, ran back held on to just your grasp, cut and bruised you’re words were blades of grass, my heart, your hold.. Emotions hateful feeling bold, my dreams.. My life everything you broke.. . I had nothing left after every word you spoke.. When the words were faded dark.. Your laugh became a bark.. In every found mark.. I felt my strength spark.. I gain strength beyond the pain, I saw beyond every sprain.. With ever break.. I saw every mistake. Your words became a blank I saw nothing past your rage.. Suddenly I saw it.. You were weak.. You were afraid.. I walked away that day and watched you fade away and break.. .
When I was 18 I was in an abusive relationship after dislocated shoulders, pool balls being thrown at my face, not being able to talk to family or friends I left. I told myself I was not ever going to go through that again. Little did I know my cousin was going through the same thing but ten times worse she was scared to leave he had threatened to kill us (family) if she left him. This year 7-3-11 she finally got the courage to leave him ran for a few days finally came to stay with one of my family members he found her and killed her, her daughter, my aunt and uncle, and 3 other people before he killed himself. From that day forward I am going to do everything I can to help even if its a shoulder to cry on im here.
Dealing with the anger in the aftermath is horrible. I was angry for years and didn’t understand why. Find ways to learn to get though it, like everything else it is a process. Find an anger management course, books on the topic and more. Don’t give up, you will get there. I encourage you to visit my site at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com I am putting together resources to support women in the aftermath of abuse as it is a process of it’s own.
You need to hold up your head high now. I am setting up a new support site at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com it is to support women in the aftermath of abuse. For me it was the hardest time of my life, even after the abuse. The silence and fear was overwhelming. You have control of what you think and do. You will get there, you are in my prayers.
Wow, it is so hard for woman so feel the way you do, finally free after abuse. Why, you will never know, it was not about you, it was about him. Let that empowerment into your life every day. You will get there. I am creating a custom site for woman in the aftermath of abuse as to how to move on. Not everything is in place but I encouage you to check it out at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com
You will inspire many with the courage you had to finally leave, what you did and what finally brought you to this point. Keep in touch.
I met a man he was charming ,sweet kind loving then we moved in together love became replaced by fear…. Who was this man raising his fist at me choking me ? Spitting on me . Everything came apart it unraveled and spun out of control. What happened how could I have been so trusting to such an evil force? My life is in my hands i am a bit broken but inside I have never felt more empowered while this poor excuse for a man sits in a jail cell and the air has returned to my lungs and I feel every breath and thank god for it. I will not back down until justice is served on this coward.
Ive been in domestic violence most of my life, the sad thing is that its taken me
33 years to realize that. Ive been sober since July 19, 2011 and ive left behind all the hurt and pain in good old Cali. Ive now moved im tring to recover from addiction and domestic violence, physical and mental. Tring to pick up the broken pieces of my life of my soul and my sprirt, but somday i will hold my head up high and I never have to look back.
I am writing this with chills and tears down my face. Your story simply broke my heart. Your wounds and fear are in our face. I thank you for sharing, to say this site has helped you in any way brings so much love to my heart for this site was designed for the woman, just like you, that needed to know she wasn’t alone. I can’t imagine passing him everyday, you are one incredibly strong lady, honestly. I don’t know how you do it. I can remember standing in the court room facing my husband. The DV lady had escorted me, I was so scared, couldn’t look at him at first, then he stumbled up to the judge, drunk, black eye, saying he better let him see his son, I saw him for the sad drunk he was. I was still scared but I had always feared the worst. I was ready to die rather than let him harm me or come near my son again. I have no fear that you too will face this man that has scared you so.
The physical wounds are not as bad as the emotional, for you, I know both are deep. You are amazing to even be alive, you are a true fighter, make this mean something, fight like hell, love every day, I know it is easy for me to say, but don’t let the real love of those in your life slip away because of this horrible person. My biggest prayer for you is that you can allow the touch of others for touch and love are so healing. Not everyone will hurt you. Your little brother loves you and is heartbroken for you.
You must, must get counseling. What you went through is going to be difficult, but with help and guidance, you will make it out on the other side. Just like you thought you were alone till you came to this site, so did others, they never thought they could heal of move on, yet just today, I have received 3 comments from woman that came here years ago and see how far they have come from the pain of domestic violence.
I hope to hear of your progress and healing. You are in my prayers tonight, sincerely.
At sixteen, when eyes scan over me as I pass, certain descriptions are apt to come to mind, drawn from the self-assured swing of my relaxed arms to the secure pounding steps. Confident, curvy, care-free. As I stride by, head upright and posture poised, no one would ever suspect other applicable adjectives, words I despise using in charge of me. Terrible words, frightened words I attempted to hide from the public, words of fear that would shatter any façade of dignity I had built. Vulnerable, violable, victimized- words hidden in a grimace masked by a smile, concealed within a tear cloaked by a giggle.
One out of six women will be in an abusive relationship at some point in their lives, and one out of two will hide it, with long sleeves, pulled down to the edges of the wrists, worn even as others strip down to skimpy tank tops in the boiling summer months. With layers of makeup on the face and neck, obscuring every mark, applied with a shaky hand. With elaborate excuses for the rare occasion a glimpse of purple and blue are sighted. With convoluted stories for ER visits, with detailed arguments to derail the cops.
Somehow, I always went back, when the bruises faded and the flowers arrived. When he’d call, saying, oh, I am so sorry. When he reminded me of our connection, a bond worthy of forever interlocked fingers. When he told me I was beautiful, the first person to ever complement me as such. When he explained his love, the passion and tenderness he felt only for me. When he detailed his confusion, why sometimes he gave into his temper and left himself behind. When he made excuses that I believed, promising this would be the last time.
It took two years of black eyes and fractured ribs, of constant rejected inquiries from well-meaning but unaware friends, of confused excuses and evading lies, until a two a.m. phone call to a rape hotline finally convinced me that he wasn’t going to stop.
Since I realized that fists only fly on purpose, leading me to the complete denunciation of my abusive ex-boyfriend’s grip, my knowledge of life and its primary component, love, has grown from an anthill into a mountain. I’ve learned that love is not tears, salty on the porcelain as I lie hunched on a bathroom floor. Love is not racial slurs, shouted with a slap as punctuation. I’ve discovered that I don’t need his love if it means I get his fists.
I’m still awaiting the trial dates for multiple counts of assult and battery, rape, and one count of attempted murder for the thirty two stab wounds on my abdomen- scars I will carry for the rest of my life, inflicted after my boyfriend found out I’d told a friend- but thanks to this website, I think i might be able to face him in a courtroom. I still can’t bear to look at him (I pass him every day in the hall at school) and i still flinch whenever a guy touches me (even my little brother!) but I think I’m gonna be okay. TThis website has touched me andhelped me to understand th I’m not the only one.
Dear Rebecca,
I am lookjng for a letter concerning Domestic Violence. It is called “Letter to my abuser”. Have you heard of it? Any help will be appreciated!
Sincerely,
Brenda Rea
We try not to see what is right in front of us. My advice is let go of our anger at them and what they did, it doesn’t mean you forgive it or condone it, by you can’t have the life you want with such anger in you. You can be angry at what they did, but don’t keep that in you. They did things that make you bitter, but you get to decide if you will stay that way. I encourage you to find ways to remove the bitterness from your life. The best revenge is a life lived fully. Don’t let them have the final say, the hell with them, decide to be happy. They are the ones that will live the rest of their lives as them. Punishment enough.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
After all, they don’t matter at the end of the day, you do.
The world should shun enablers. All of my friends and ex-husbands family saw the bruises on me all the time and said nothing. Than when I actually decided it was stay and eventually die, or leave and find a way to live for me again, none of them offered me help in leaving. My mother was the only one who was ever there for me. My friends wouldnt help testify in court because they didn’t want to get involved and take sides since they were friends with my husband also.
Shame on them, and especially shame on him. They made me a bitter person and I have no forgivness in people who allow and stand by while some one suffers silently and alone.
I only will talk to people who are strong enough willed to stand up for what is right, and sadly they are few and far between.
I am honored that you would like to use my poem in your event… And I am happy to share it with SWAN. I can also help promote your event on my blog if you like.
I also want to say thank-you for your hard work and the creativity you have shown in putting SWAN together, and offering healing to the survivors. I know this will be an amazing experience..and wish you all the best.
Blessings, Lynn
PS- Rebecca, it really touches me how we have been able to take back our lives, and reclaim our voices. We don’t have to live as victims, being beat down or defeated. Your site has been important in my healing, and I thank you also for all your hard work here.
This is Rebecca again and I run this site. Thank you for asking for permission again. Again, anyone that posts here knows that I may use their poems and post in any upcoming writing. This particular writer has chosen to use their full name so please include it when giving credit. You have my permission to post the poem and although it is not required, I encourage those that use resources found here to reference the site the-laststraw.com when possible so that others know where to find us.
I love your poem “To be a survivor” and would like permission to use it at an event that I am producing at my local library. The event is on March 26, 2011 in Brockton, Massachusetts. The performance is to promote healing for survivors of domestic violence with music, song, dance, and spoken word. Please allow me to use it, I think it is very well written and speaks to the reslience of becoming a survivor. Thanks. I look forward to your response.
The world is in greater peril from those who tolerate or encourage evil than from those who actually commit it. ~ Albert Einstein
Variant: The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.
(Einstein’s tribute to Pablos Casals (30 March 1953), in Conversations with Casals (1957), by Josep Maria Corredor, translated from Conversations avec Pablo Casals : souvenirs et opinions d’un musicien (1955).)
Deborah now: It is the sycophants that embolden the abusers to stay deeply in denial and to think they do not need to change. Abusers are also pathological liars, so when the abusers’ loved ones (and adultery partners) believe their lies, they are emboldening the liar / abuser.
We need more awareness, awareness, awareness, and then accountability, accountability, accountability. That way, the sycophants / enablers will also start being shunned, and then maybe, our world will be better for the next generations.
(And, since God knows the real truth of everything, it is actaully kinder for abusers and sycophants/enablers to have a chance at re-thinking and changing their behaviors here on earth…before it is too late.)
Thanks for writing. I applaud you for doing all that you are trying to do. People take it seriously, you will find those to support you. Check on the links on the main page, start a blog, visit the domestic violence hotline, there are so many ways to support others. Tell your story, that always helps someone. I wish you all the best. I am happy you are a survivor.
i have alot of pomes i have wrote in the past year and would like to share them with someone… maybe it could be helpfull to me and to someone else… i am not the best speller in the word and i am not a great novalist but i do enjoy writting about alot of things… i am a sivior of dv.. and i would like to know how i could get my stuff put up to where others could read it
i am a survivior of domestic violence i moved to jacksonville in 2007 ever since ive been trying o give back to help wommen of domestic violence i want to be a advocate and someday open up my own buisness in domestic violence since i moved to th south i feel that do not take domestic violens seriosly if you can help me anyway i would apprciate it thank you cheryl williams call me 904 354 9510
Dear Jessy,
I am so happy you found this site and that it gave you the strength to finally leave, it sends chills down my arms. If we can get women out sooner, the better off the world will be.
My biggest piece of advice, click around on this site for more support. Learn to not care about what others think of you, once you can do that, it is like an entire new life. The only opinion that matters is yours honey. No one will fully understand what you went through. So what if they don’t understand your moody days or why you are not read to forgive? We don’t have to make everyone understand and side with us, that takes too much energy. Energy you should put into your own self care.
Find that makes you feel better and do it. Counseling, writing, readying, finding friends that don’t judge. The friends you lost or betrayed you, let them go, they are not worth the pain, there are more people out there to love you without making you feel this way. You deserve to feel supported and loved, always. On the other hand, don’t be mad at those that don’t understand, don’t share that stuff with them.
There are some posts here too about the anger, that is normal and you need to deal with it, find ways. It was the hardest part for me. You keep playing the horrible things he did to you over and over in your head and wonder why you are so angry or can’t let go, that is way. Change what you are playing in your head, this is the hardest thing to learn. You decide what to put your thoughts and focus on, not anyone else.
Journal, it is a great way to clear your head since you don’t share it with anyone. Spend time alone if you can, think of what you really want in life, set goals again, dream, it can still be.
We are here to support you so keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I left my abusive fiancé just over 3 months ago, and it was this website that finally gave me that boost in courage and strength to do so. If I hadn’t had found these quotes and the supportive comments, I don’t think I would have left and for that I thank you all.
I finally told my father that I needed to get out, I was in a foreign country and it seemed nearly impossible, what with my life being under total control and flight times unpredictable. I had to sneak out in the early hours of the morning and I was convinced he would wake up or come to find me. Somehow, everything went to plan and I got out. Someone was looking out for me, I don’t know who or what, but I thank them every day.
At the moment I’m at a very angry stage. Im trying not to allow it to consume me but it’s very hard, especially when everyone around me is just telling me to forgive, which just seems to anger me even more. I’ve become very anxious, my thoughts can get consumed with memories and I cringe at myself. I’ve been angry towards my mother and I don’t know why, if anyone has experienced something similar with holding resentment toward a parent please let me know your thoughts.
I am thankful that my family believe what has happened and are allowing me to stay with them while I find my feet but unfortunately many of my friends have sided with him and that’s been very hurtful and lonely, some have even helped him to contact me, which I did not appreciate whatsoever.
I guess the hardest thing is when I try to talk to my family about it and get them to understand why, perhaps, I am angry or not happy that day etc. but I dont seem to be voicing myself well because they often react to me as though I am a moody adolescent, when I’m in fact really hurting and the last thing I need is to be reprimanded for feeling angry.
I am still lucky to have their support and I am so sorry for those of you who don’t. Please, please, please contact me if you want to. We need all the support we can and if I can just be one more woman in that circle of strength, it’s better than remaining silent.
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some one should create a list where women / men / children can add their abusers name for everyone to see! Google is a great place to start. I would be the first to add a name! My husband..mohammed farouk!
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Dear Kelly,
Great to hear, words mean nothing when not backed up by actions, he can tell you forever he has changed, what is does shows you the true colors. Glad to hear you finally changed and demanded more in your life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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“He had told me he had changed like so many times before but the only thing changed was me I was done being a part of his rage.”
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Dear Callie,
You are the blessing lady. Knowing that I helped you in anyway makes it worthwhile. We all need someone to understand and not judge. You are going to have an amazing life, I can tell from your energy. Give all that you can give. Be happy, be revenge.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I’m moving on! I’ve had no contact at all with him for a week. The police are charging him and I’ve had so much support and help in dealing with my mixed emotions. I see clearly now and my life is getting so much better. It’s truly amazing and I am eternally grateful to the depths of my soul for all the wonderful things and people that have shown up in my time of need. I am learning so much about myself and about why I attract bad things into my life and I know now that I am on the right path and I’m truly blessed and humbled by the kindness that has been shown to me.
Thank you, Rebecca for your support, advice and kindness to a perfect stranger. You are without a doubt a truly beautiful soul.
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Dear Callie,
You got it, he chose to…. now you are choosing to …. be safe, live your life, be respected. Each day that you stay away from him you are choosing your life over his games. It will be hard and unbearable at times, but just imagine having your neck broken or another limb, one day it would be too late. You made the best choice of all, you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Thank you Juliette and Rebecca.
I saw my counselor yesterday and she was an enormous help in getting me closer to understanding things. Like how he cycles, and how alcoholics escalate, and how he’s currently in the remorse phase.
I miss him, but I have been reading about emotional detachment and trying so hard to detach from him.
We are having less and less phone contact and have had no in person contact since he broke my wrist.
What eats at me is the face that right before he punched me in the head that day, he looked calmly into my eyes and made the choice to do it. He claims he was trying to stop me from shoving him but he is bigger and stronger than me and if he really wanted to stop me he would have walked out of my house. I had no way to restrain him. He choose to punch me and then twist my arm until my wrist broke.
He chose to play mind games and confuse and belittle me.
He chose to disrespect and hurt me.
How can I love a man who maliciously and deliberately hurts me?
I’m slowly moving on. It’s not easy. It hurts but it’s a pain that will fade in time and a pain that gives me purpose.
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Dear Callie,
I want you to feel safe, only post what you want. Thanks for sharing the poem, it was very moving.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Callie,
I was so happy to hear back from you. One day at a time, do what you need to do at that moment. The strong that you get, the less that you will need any contact from him. soon you will realize that he is a major negative in hour life. You will never get the life you want until you leave the life you are in. You will never meet a man that appreciates and love you while you have him in your life. Life is about you feeling safe and fulfilled. For children, feeling safe is more important than anything.
Happy you are getting the help you need. Keep in touch, you are inspiring others with your strength. We know it is hard, but the work is worth it.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Calli: I hear you. i hope that your wrist heals fast. living well is the best revenge.
i have to admit, my ex fiancee started abusing me after we followed our dream of moving to California. the move was stressful. one day he took my phone away, then he started controlling me. the yelling and screaming started and then he put his thumb in my eye. my eye looked like a golf ball, i was so scared and shocked, on the way to the hospital, he stopped and picked up some weed, if you can believe that, then once we got to the hospital, he did all the talking he stated that we were playing baseball and the baseball hit me in the eye…(my eye is ok now, just like your wrist will be ok with time and healing) things progressed from there…
at this time, he has been diagnosed with bi polar, and aspergers (a form of autism, 80% of relationships fail with aspergers). now it all makes sense. im an analytical person and i never could understand his oddities, but now they make perfect sense. hes brain is ill and there is no cure. Once the diagnoses was handed down, and more to come since he has a appt with a psychiatrist in one week, my love changed. i still love him, but i realize, he really can hurt me or kill me. I realized i can never ever be with him due to his ailments and my own safety concerns, it made it easy for me to mentally move on.
I have to admit, a man that strikes a woman is a coward and needs to go to jail. you always have the option of going to the police station and fill out a report after the fact, and then submit an application for a temporary restraining order against him and attach a copy of the police report and medical records with the city or county courts. let him know if he ever strikes you, you will call the police. a man who strikes a woman is sick, even if he is not diagnosed, he is mentally ill. No one can live with a mentally ill person,
be happy, love your self, every little bit of yourself, the good the bad..you do not deserve a broken wrist. or to be abused in anyway. i mediate and listen to my zen master, i practice yoga, and take my doggie on walks, he is my best friend. need to find a healthy outlet, like go for a walk, or watch.a funny movie or listen to some great music you enjoy. xoxo juliette
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I wrote this – hope it’s ok to share it. I posted it on my poetry blog last Dec. I won’t link my blog just yet as it contains my real name and details and I’m not ready to share those here yet. I hope you understand.
You rage against the demon
You fight the beast inside
You bend, you break, you crumble
As you cling to what’s left of your pride
You’re weakened from the nightmare
You’re ravaged from the pain
You sink into the comforting darkness
As the faceless lay the blame
You feel so broken, so empty
There’s blood smeared over your face
You long to leave the void behind
To feel a loving embrace
But the hand that reaches out to you
Is the one that gave the shove
That sent you down the spiral
And told you it was love
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Thank you Rebecca,
I won’t go back. I’m focusing all my energy on not going back, on moving on and getting help. I’m seeing a domestic violence counselor who I have seen before and who knows the background. I’m seeing a psychologist. I have a young child to protect.
I made my statement to the police, they say he will likely be charged with assault occasioning bodily harm.
He rang me today and apologized, told me he loves me and will never forgive himself.
I feel like this time it’s my fault because I hit him. I have never done that before.
My heart is broken. I just want it all to go away. I want to be strong enough not to talk to him when he begs me.
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Dear Callie,
Thanks for writing back. What you feel is normal. You are the one that gets to make a big decision, return to this man and die. When a man is abusive, you leave and return, abuse gets worse. When you leave and let him back again, worse. I know this to be true. If you let this man back in your life you have decided on your fate and destiny. He will without a shadow of a doubt change. We can’t change other, we can barely change ourselves. While I don’t judge you if you return, you always will regret it. You will be one of the many woman that dies at the hands of her abuser, or lives a horrible abusive live and wonders why didn’t I stay away when I had the chance.
Dive into self help, counseling, focus on only you. I promise you that there is an amazing man out there for you but wouldn’t a life be better to live free and safe than to be with a man that you wish respected you.
My prayer for the day is that you don’t return. Write back.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Thank you Rebecca,
I feel so guilty because I know if he asked me to come back, I would. I’m told what I feel is not love but co-dependence. Either way, the feeling that only he can make this go away, only he can make this better, is a strong one.
He used to drink and push me around, verbally abuse me, threaten me with weapons, hit, knee and intimidate me. His favourite thing was to twist my arm behind my back. That’s how he broke my wrist. We have been seperated for several months but we were still seeing each other and trying to work things out.
I discovered he has been lying and cheating and drinking the whole time.
I feel so used and betrayed. Even now most of my thoughts are about the lies and cheating, I can’t understand why I’m more upset about those things than the fact that he broke my wrist.
I guess the one silver lining is that I had a protection order and he has breached it. I hope something happens to him to change his behaviour.
I would hate for the next woman he dates to go through this or worse because I didn’t do anything about it.
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Dear Callie,
I am so sorry, it is such a time of feeling so alone. The hardest part is it allows you time to talk to yourself which I found hard. Find online resources to talk too, you are not alone, reach out like you have here. Take one step at a time to rebuild your life. The road is hard so just focus on what is most important today.
Keep in touch, let us know how we can support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I recently got out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. Last week he broke my wrist, I need someone to talk to. No-one I know understands
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I have been trying to reach out to women who may relate to a book of poems I have self-published. Feel free to visit my website and if interested, I’d be willing to send out a free copy of the book to you. http://magalissandoval.weebly.com
I also put together a youttube video for one of the poems in the book titled, Trapped. You can view it here
Feel free to use it on your site. I plan to share your site with others as well.
-Maggie
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We are born to be free and loved! When you are in an environment when it’s not the case,leave it till you find true Love and Freedom!
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Dear Rylie,
That made me cry when reading. Forgive me for taking so long, I had site issues. Your post will help many. I am thankful for that man that day, he did save you. So much to go through at such a young age. I pray that you get the help you need, counseling is key. Recovery is long and hard but worth it. You have so much to give in life, I am so happy that you are hear to live it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Tiffany,
So sorry for all that you went through. It was along time ago for me, I am well beyond my past.
I hope that soon you will be able to say the same. The best revenge I say is to live a good life. He doesn’t matter anymore. If he isn’t interfering with your life all the better. Take the time you have been given and take care of yourself so that you can take good care of your children. Work hard so that they never have to live the way that you have so far.
Focus on what you want your life to be. You were meant to be more in life than what has happened to you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am so sorry for all that you have all been through. I truly know your Pain!!! I was with my ex 16 yrs. We have has 5 Kids. One was stillborn in 1997 because of him beating me so much. January 2012. We finally ended. I couldn’t take it anymore and I also found our he was cheating. I can’t stand that either and it opened my eyes more. I had got my daughter taken away from Cps because of the abuse. I just now got her back because we aren’t together. I got a restraining order
for the third time. I just
hope for once he stays away. He has a new gf
)
lol whatever. She thinks he isn’t wonderful and I’m a stupid bitch. Jokes on her. He doesn’t see my kids either. He.doesn’t try and even if he did over my dead body hell no!!!!!
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The most amazing thing happened. I was saved. A complete stranger saved my life and the craziest part is this man will never even know how much he saved me. My boyfriend is abusive. He hits hard and takes his anger to a physical level with me. His roommates have seen and do nothing. It became so bad that leaving was unsafe for me to try to do. He would force me to stay in the room with him and I was starting to slip out of reality. I began to hate everything. And I lost my faith in humanity. No one was willing to help me or save me from this kid who’s anger was so out of control. His roommates would act as nothing ever happened. Then I was basically trapped in a car with him he wouldnt take me back to campus and he was hurting me so he stopped at a circle k and I left. I decided to walk back to campus. I get about five minutes out when I hear footsteps behind me then bam I was hit in the head. He then gets in front of me and starts screaming and not letting me walk trying to force me back. Well apparently a car driving by saw what happened and the guy turned around pulls up next to us and gets out of the car. He starts screaming at my boyfriend about how you never lay your hands on a woman and that if he wanted to hit someone then my boyfriend could hit him. He then turned to me and said I could walk if I wanted to do I left. That man restored my faith in humanity. He singled handedly gave me hope and made me want to continue living. Thank you sir. I will never know who you are but you saved me and I will forever be thankful.
I wrote this about a month ago. Less then a week later I finally went to the cops. For any one who is currently suffering from abuse I want you to know you are not alone and there are complete strangers who care about what’s happening to you. I know you don’t believe it right now, hell I’m not going to lie I still don’t believe it 100% but this is not your fault! You did choose to have them hurt you. You did not choose for the violence and the fear. It is not your fault. No matter what they say.
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Dear Anonymous,
Wow, thanks for sharing all of that. I am so proud that you have escaped. Women who leave, have to say the hell with anyone that judges them, who does that help? Not you. Once you live this way it helps you to not judge another as easily. I see a woman with her head down, you know. I am the first one to say something when I hear someone make horrible comments to say a news story, dummy, why didn’t she just leave. I tried to leave several times and was held a knife point and tortured until I surrender and had no will to leave. Let another live your life for one day and come back and judge it.
Keep up all that you do, you inspire me and others. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Thank you. I lived in the abuse for 11 years. I would have stayed forever. I would have just put up with it if he hadn’t cheated on me. Sad, but true. I really believed he had all the power. Leaving sounded completely impossible, and I wasn’t even sure it was what I wanted. He’d told me repeatedly that he’d take my kids, or he’d kill himself, or he’d kill my family, or he’d kill me. It was easy to believe him with a knife in his hands. When I found out about the affair, we fought and (of course) he got physical. My anger gave me the courage to finally make that call. That was 2 months ago. I was overwhelmed by support. There really is help out there. I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until I began to tell people about it. The things that had slowly become my normal were shocking to others. The charges won’t stick, but my freedom will. Whenever I can’t sleep, or just need a little extra courage, I visit your site. It helps to remind me that I am not alone. I just want to thank all of you for sharing. You really are helping others.
As an abuse vicitm, I often blamed myself. If I was a bettter wife… a better mother… if I hadn’t questioned him… if I hadn’t been so late… Yes, I stayed. I let him do it. That doesn’t mean it was my fault. What bothers me about it, is that other people often blame the victim too. Although, there is freedom of choice, these choices are not without consequences. They are not easy. As a nursing student, we once discussed a fictitious situation in which a young girl was being abused by her boyfriend. One of the other students remarked, “I’d just like to smack her for being so stupid.” At the time I was living in abuse. I sarcastically thought, “yeah, sure, that’s what she needs, someone else to smack her.” It seemed to me her problem was that someone was smacking her. Part of the reason I never told anyone is because I was afraid of being judged. Judging the abused doesn’t help them, it just makes them want to hide the abuse.
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Dear hopeless for her and her children,
Such a sad situation for everyone, especially the children involved. What can you do? She must decide that she doesn’t want to be there, you can’t force her to want to leave and want more from her life, she needs to want it. Try not to take her anger at you personal, she is the one that is very angry with what her life is. The one I am most worried about is her young child at home. He is old enough to know this isn’t how things should be.
I don’t know to what extent social services was involved but don’t give up. Fight for what you know is right, the safety of her child. I would suggest calling social services to see what more you could do. I wish that I had more to offer but have not been in this situation. I found the following guide Child Welfare Guide but try to google search terms to assist you.
I would hope that at the least that SS would be letting you know what they found to ensure the child’s safety.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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My sister has been in an abusive marriage for years. We all extended our help to her but our hands are always slapped away. Her daughter left home due to his abuse, being 17 she chooses to live with friends. They have an 8 year old boy in the house with them.
My sister just recently became an alcoholic. She physically took it out on my sister and I. She was drunk and started to open up about her husband and then attacked my sister and me.
Social services have been involved but nothing came of it. He is a corrections officer and knows many people. Can we help her? What can I do to help her?
We feel hopeless for her and her children.
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My God Dear Ashley,
I can’t say I am surprised, how many times to we hear that a woman gets away and then is killed. I am so very sorry for your loss, such a large loss for your entire family. Even those not with the abuser can suffer and die as we all know. I strive to keep woman from ever entering the abuse to begin with, then there is no one to escape. Warning signs are there for a reason and we must all admit that they are there, we just tend to ignore them for love. I am happy to hear that you were able to leave your situation.
I have found that being there to listen to others is one of the biggest things you can do. I applaud you for wanting to be there for others. Let us never forget your friend and her family. We are here if you need us.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Tammy,
You run. I don’t know your exact situation, call the abuse hotline. They will help you make a plan, especially if you have kids. Get ready when he is not there, take what you needed and go. As far as you can. Get a protective order. Your safety is what is most important. No matter what, you already know that you don’t want to stay so start making the plan now.
Keep in touch, let us know if you found the strength to leave and start the life you deserve.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Jen,
Thank you for sharing this, it will touch others. Many wondering if leaving is the right decision. What other decision would there be?
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I had an abusive situation… The quote stating empty and cold is one hundred percent true.. I wrote enough to give myself the strength to walk away .. I just figured I’d share for women/men who feel they’re going to regret walking away from abusive relationships: “I panicked, ran back held on to just your grasp, cut and bruised you’re words were blades of grass, my heart, your hold.. Emotions hateful feeling bold, my dreams.. My life everything you broke.. . I had nothing left after every word you spoke.. When the words were faded dark.. Your laugh became a bark.. In every found mark.. I felt my strength spark.. I gain strength beyond the pain, I saw beyond every sprain.. With ever break.. I saw every mistake. Your words became a blank I saw nothing past your rage.. Suddenly I saw it.. You were weak.. You were afraid.. I walked away that day and watched you fade away and break.. .
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how do i get out after 12 yrs
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When I was 18 I was in an abusive relationship after dislocated shoulders, pool balls being thrown at my face, not being able to talk to family or friends I left. I told myself I was not ever going to go through that again. Little did I know my cousin was going through the same thing but ten times worse she was scared to leave he had threatened to kill us (family) if she left him. This year 7-3-11 she finally got the courage to leave him ran for a few days finally came to stay with one of my family members he found her and killed her, her daughter, my aunt and uncle, and 3 other people before he killed himself. From that day forward I am going to do everything I can to help even if its a shoulder to cry on im here.
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Dealing with the anger in the aftermath is horrible. I was angry for years and didn’t understand why. Find ways to learn to get though it, like everything else it is a process. Find an anger management course, books on the topic and more. Don’t give up, you will get there. I encourage you to visit my site at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com I am putting together resources to support women in the aftermath of abuse as it is a process of it’s own.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anonymouse,
You need to hold up your head high now. I am setting up a new support site at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com it is to support women in the aftermath of abuse. For me it was the hardest time of my life, even after the abuse. The silence and fear was overwhelming. You have control of what you think and do. You will get there, you are in my prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Anonymous,
Wow, it is so hard for woman so feel the way you do, finally free after abuse. Why, you will never know, it was not about you, it was about him. Let that empowerment into your life every day. You will get there. I am creating a custom site for woman in the aftermath of abuse as to how to move on. Not everything is in place but I encouage you to check it out at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com
You will inspire many with the courage you had to finally leave, what you did and what finally brought you to this point. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I met a man he was charming ,sweet kind loving then we moved in together love became replaced by fear…. Who was this man raising his fist at me choking me ? Spitting on me . Everything came apart it unraveled and spun out of control. What happened how could I have been so trusting to such an evil force? My life is in my hands i am a bit broken but inside I have never felt more empowered while this poor excuse for a man sits in a jail cell and the air has returned to my lungs and I feel every breath and thank god for it. I will not back down until justice is served on this coward.
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Ive been in domestic violence most of my life, the sad thing is that its taken me
33 years to realize that. Ive been sober since July 19, 2011 and ive left behind all the hurt and pain in good old Cali. Ive now moved im tring to recover from addiction and domestic violence, physical and mental. Tring to pick up the broken pieces of my life of my soul and my sprirt, but somday i will hold my head up high and I never have to look back.
ForeverAmberle
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This is an amazing site. As far as a survivor of Abuse myself sometimes the anger is overwhelming.
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Dear Eden,
I am writing this with chills and tears down my face. Your story simply broke my heart. Your wounds and fear are in our face. I thank you for sharing, to say this site has helped you in any way brings so much love to my heart for this site was designed for the woman, just like you, that needed to know she wasn’t alone. I can’t imagine passing him everyday, you are one incredibly strong lady, honestly. I don’t know how you do it. I can remember standing in the court room facing my husband. The DV lady had escorted me, I was so scared, couldn’t look at him at first, then he stumbled up to the judge, drunk, black eye, saying he better let him see his son, I saw him for the sad drunk he was. I was still scared but I had always feared the worst. I was ready to die rather than let him harm me or come near my son again. I have no fear that you too will face this man that has scared you so.
The physical wounds are not as bad as the emotional, for you, I know both are deep. You are amazing to even be alive, you are a true fighter, make this mean something, fight like hell, love every day, I know it is easy for me to say, but don’t let the real love of those in your life slip away because of this horrible person. My biggest prayer for you is that you can allow the touch of others for touch and love are so healing. Not everyone will hurt you. Your little brother loves you and is heartbroken for you.
You must, must get counseling. What you went through is going to be difficult, but with help and guidance, you will make it out on the other side. Just like you thought you were alone till you came to this site, so did others, they never thought they could heal of move on, yet just today, I have received 3 comments from woman that came here years ago and see how far they have come from the pain of domestic violence.
I hope to hear of your progress and healing. You are in my prayers tonight, sincerely.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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At sixteen, when eyes scan over me as I pass, certain descriptions are apt to come to mind, drawn from the self-assured swing of my relaxed arms to the secure pounding steps. Confident, curvy, care-free. As I stride by, head upright and posture poised, no one would ever suspect other applicable adjectives, words I despise using in charge of me. Terrible words, frightened words I attempted to hide from the public, words of fear that would shatter any façade of dignity I had built. Vulnerable, violable, victimized- words hidden in a grimace masked by a smile, concealed within a tear cloaked by a giggle.
One out of six women will be in an abusive relationship at some point in their lives, and one out of two will hide it, with long sleeves, pulled down to the edges of the wrists, worn even as others strip down to skimpy tank tops in the boiling summer months. With layers of makeup on the face and neck, obscuring every mark, applied with a shaky hand. With elaborate excuses for the rare occasion a glimpse of purple and blue are sighted. With convoluted stories for ER visits, with detailed arguments to derail the cops.
Somehow, I always went back, when the bruises faded and the flowers arrived. When he’d call, saying, oh, I am so sorry. When he reminded me of our connection, a bond worthy of forever interlocked fingers. When he told me I was beautiful, the first person to ever complement me as such. When he explained his love, the passion and tenderness he felt only for me. When he detailed his confusion, why sometimes he gave into his temper and left himself behind. When he made excuses that I believed, promising this would be the last time.
It took two years of black eyes and fractured ribs, of constant rejected inquiries from well-meaning but unaware friends, of confused excuses and evading lies, until a two a.m. phone call to a rape hotline finally convinced me that he wasn’t going to stop.
Since I realized that fists only fly on purpose, leading me to the complete denunciation of my abusive ex-boyfriend’s grip, my knowledge of life and its primary component, love, has grown from an anthill into a mountain. I’ve learned that love is not tears, salty on the porcelain as I lie hunched on a bathroom floor. Love is not racial slurs, shouted with a slap as punctuation. I’ve discovered that I don’t need his love if it means I get his fists.
I’m still awaiting the trial dates for multiple counts of assult and battery, rape, and one count of attempted murder for the thirty two stab wounds on my abdomen- scars I will carry for the rest of my life, inflicted after my boyfriend found out I’d told a friend- but thanks to this website, I think i might be able to face him in a courtroom. I still can’t bear to look at him (I pass him every day in the hall at school) and i still flinch whenever a guy touches me (even my little brother!) but I think I’m gonna be okay. TThis website has touched me andhelped me to understand th I’m not the only one.
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Hello Brenda,
I had not heard of this letter but I did find the following lyrics, maybe this is it http://www.lyricsty.com/light-this-city-letter-to-my-abuser-lyrics.html
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Rebecca,
I am lookjng for a letter concerning Domestic Violence. It is called “Letter to my abuser”. Have you heard of it? Any help will be appreciated!
Sincerely,
Brenda Rea
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Hello Abbie,
We try not to see what is right in front of us. My advice is let go of our anger at them and what they did, it doesn’t mean you forgive it or condone it, by you can’t have the life you want with such anger in you. You can be angry at what they did, but don’t keep that in you. They did things that make you bitter, but you get to decide if you will stay that way. I encourage you to find ways to remove the bitterness from your life. The best revenge is a life lived fully. Don’t let them have the final say, the hell with them, decide to be happy. They are the ones that will live the rest of their lives as them. Punishment enough.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
After all, they don’t matter at the end of the day, you do.
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The world should shun enablers. All of my friends and ex-husbands family saw the bruises on me all the time and said nothing. Than when I actually decided it was stay and eventually die, or leave and find a way to live for me again, none of them offered me help in leaving. My mother was the only one who was ever there for me. My friends wouldnt help testify in court because they didn’t want to get involved and take sides since they were friends with my husband also.
Shame on them, and especially shame on him. They made me a bitter person and I have no forgivness in people who allow and stand by while some one suffers silently and alone.
I only will talk to people who are strong enough willed to stand up for what is right, and sadly they are few and far between.
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Dear Grace,
Thanks for the post. Your poetry has always been well received on here. Thank you for your kind words, you inspire me.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Donna,
I am honored that you would like to use my poem in your event… And I am happy to share it with SWAN. I can also help promote your event on my blog if you like.
I also want to say thank-you for your hard work and the creativity you have shown in putting SWAN together, and offering healing to the survivors. I know this will be an amazing experience..and wish you all the best.
Blessings, Lynn
PS- Rebecca, it really touches me how we have been able to take back our lives, and reclaim our voices. We don’t have to live as victims, being beat down or defeated. Your site has been important in my healing, and I thank you also for all your hard work here.
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Dear Donna,
This is Rebecca again and I run this site. Thank you for asking for permission again. Again, anyone that posts here knows that I may use their poems and post in any upcoming writing. This particular writer has chosen to use their full name so please include it when giving credit. You have my permission to post the poem and although it is not required, I encourage those that use resources found here to reference the site the-laststraw.com when possible so that others know where to find us.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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To Lynn Mari,
I love your poem “To be a survivor” and would like permission to use it at an event that I am producing at my local library. The event is on March 26, 2011 in Brockton, Massachusetts. The performance is to promote healing for survivors of domestic violence with music, song, dance, and spoken word. Please allow me to use it, I think it is very well written and speaks to the reslience of becoming a survivor. Thanks. I look forward to your response.
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The world is in greater peril from those who tolerate or encourage evil than from those who actually commit it. ~ Albert Einstein
Variant: The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.
(Einstein’s tribute to Pablos Casals (30 March 1953), in Conversations with Casals (1957), by Josep Maria Corredor, translated from Conversations avec Pablo Casals : souvenirs et opinions d’un musicien (1955).)
Deborah now: It is the sycophants that embolden the abusers to stay deeply in denial and to think they do not need to change. Abusers are also pathological liars, so when the abusers’ loved ones (and adultery partners) believe their lies, they are emboldening the liar / abuser.
We need more awareness, awareness, awareness, and then accountability, accountability, accountability. That way, the sycophants / enablers will also start being shunned, and then maybe, our world will be better for the next generations.
(And, since God knows the real truth of everything, it is actaully kinder for abusers and sycophants/enablers to have a chance at re-thinking and changing their behaviors here on earth…before it is too late.)
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Dear Cheryl,
Thanks for writing. I applaud you for doing all that you are trying to do. People take it seriously, you will find those to support you. Check on the links on the main page, start a blog, visit the domestic violence hotline, there are so many ways to support others. Tell your story, that always helps someone. I wish you all the best. I am happy you are a survivor.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Paige,
I would love to read your poetry and am sure others would too. Please leave posts here or visit http://poetryonviolenceandhealing.wordpress.com/
Poetry is not about grammar and complete sentences, it is about sharing your feelings.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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i have alot of pomes i have wrote in the past year and would like to share them with someone… maybe it could be helpfull to me and to someone else… i am not the best speller in the word and i am not a great novalist but i do enjoy writting about alot of things… i am a sivior of dv.. and i would like to know how i could get my stuff put up to where others could read it
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your evil words are temporary but the scars are forever -cyan lemon
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your evil words are temporary but the scares are fir ever-cyan lemon
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“Don’t stop to look at the scenery, just keep going” – My Father
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i am a survivior of domestic violence i moved to jacksonville in 2007 ever since ive been trying o give back to help wommen of domestic violence i want to be a advocate and someday open up my own buisness in domestic violence since i moved to th south i feel that do not take domestic violens seriosly if you can help me anyway i would apprciate it thank you cheryl williams call me 904 354 9510
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