The reason that I wanted to write about the anger and guilt I believe many women suffer within the aftermath of abuse is because if you don’t move past the anger and self-inflicted guilt you will never be happy. Many times not dealing with these feelings causes you to attract more abuse into your life.
Take the Time to Heal, it is Worth it!
I am not a trained therapist, just a lady that lived through some of what you have. I am a woman that vividly remembers the anger and anxiety attacks I had after in the aftermath of abuse. I remember feeling as though I was being abused all over again by a silent attacker that was just as frightening as the real one.
I would never tell anyone struggling to survive the aftermath of abuse to “Get over it.”
Those are words from people that don’t know any better. As the saying goes, until you have walked in my shoes, don’t judge me.
For the life of me, I can’t imagine telling anyone to get over it about really anything. Okay, maybe a stubbed toe or a bounced check, but not about being verbal, physically and mentally tormented, most times for years and years all while being isolated from family and friends.
When we hear those words we become angry at that person but don’t be. Realize they are clueless to what you lived through and clueless about what are you are dealing with in the aftermath of abuse. Domestic violence is a term we hear a lot about, but the aftermath of abuse was like another weight I had to learn to survive. You will survive it too and one day thrive.
My first piece of advice: Immediately stop worrying about what others think. This really applies to anyone in life, but especially if you have been abused and are dealing with the aftermath of abuse.
Keep in mind that you can’t force someone to support you in the aftermath of abuse so just Don’t!
If your mother, sister or someone in your immediate circle of people is not supporting you don’t share things with them. If you think that by sharing they will eventually understand and stop blaming you or telling to just move on, they won’t.
Save your energy for what matters, You!
Learn to find ways to move on and don’t allow the negativity of anyone into your life. Healing in the aftermath of abuse is something that will require all of your focus in order to come out on the other side.
Trying to convince someone to understand how you feel and what you went through will just make your recovery in the aftermath of abuse much worse.
Not everyone will understand and support you so find those that will.
Check into Therapy, real-life support groups, online support groups, sites like this one.
Not one woman that comments here would ever think of telling you to get over it because we have been there.
While I mostly coach women that have been touched by abuse because I am honest and tell it like it is, some of my advice may support you as well, it doesn’t matter what has happened in your past, for most of us, it has left us with some memories we need to move on from, but they are so strong they will not let us go.
This site has been a labor of love to help develop and empower women of all ages to stand in their power and live life on their terms.
If you have car trouble you go to a mechanic, belly ache doctor, dealing with the aftermath of abuse, another abuse victim that was able to recover and live life to the fullest.
Below is a portion of the email I sent to a reader that was upset her mother was telling her to “Get over it!” My goal in sharing this is that it may in some way help you.
Dear Reader,
First, I just have to say you should be so proud you found the strength to leave at all, many don’t. You already stated most of the reasons you are so angry and they all come down to you.
You let this man in your life, you stayed with him and had kids, you blah, blah, blah.
When you close your eyes at night it is the woman laying alone in the dark with you that you hate the most. I receive emails, what guilt, why is there guilt?
This was for me, I had so many signs and warnings that this would get worse but I thought I could fix him, I had a son, I left him with this man, even if not my fault which the abuse was not, I suffered from horrible guilt.
It is normal to have such anger and guilt in the aftermath of abuse. The guilt and hatred at myself was the last thing to go. I hung onto that the longest. Even forgave him before I forgave me. While this may not be true for everyone, it was true for me.
You asked for my advice, as far as your family goes, the hell with them. If they are not supporting you now when you most of them the most, don’t waste your time. You will use your much-needed strength trying to convince someone when you shouldn’t have to. You do not owe anyone, anything. Find support with me, your therapy, message boards, and offline groups.
Your friends are the ones that will be there for you.
I suffered alone for so long that opening up was really hard for me. I was blessed to meet two supportive gals that insisted I talk. I had minimized so much of what happened that when I would see there shocked faces I realized how bad things really were. I even made my therapist cry a few times which freaked me out a bit.
That was when I realized I was burying so much pain.
“You have hidden so much for so long that being allowed to talk after living in violence will seem odd at first, then weight lifting.”
The best way to move on (I never say get over it) is to write in a journal, read books that will help you heal, stay in therapy and only concern yourself with the health and healing of those that matter, You and your daughter.
You have been through hell and back and I promise if you worry about everyone else you will never heal. I am sure that you have been or will be labeled with Post-traumatic stress disorder, realize that is what men and women at war come home with. You have been living in your own war and now you have to deal with the battle scars.
“Treat yourself like you would a best friend. Listen, never minimize and be kind. When you get angry at yourself think, would I do this to a friend?”
I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take you down the road five years to see how far you have come in the aftermath of abuse, but I can’t. Just imagine a day far from the pain you are in now.
It is normal to be so angry in the aftermath of domestic violence.
Accept the anger, it wants to be heard!
If you ignore it and don’t deal with it, it will get worse and worse and you will blow up. Find a way to get the anger out in the aftermath of abuse, it will set you free.
Get Physical!
As Olivia Newton-John would say (dated me here) “Let’s Get Physical” kickboxing is great, just find something physical to help release the anger you feel in the aftermath of abuse. Not only do you get to be angry but you work up a good sweat.
Change Your Thoughts
Anytime you start to think of an abuser or family that doesn’t listen immediately replace it with, “What is something that I really want to be doing now?” Then do it.
In the Aftermath of Abuse, Be angry, Cry, Be Sad
Then get angry some more, than feel guilty, then cry some more and the days will stack on top of another and one day you won’t be as angry and the guilt will start to fade and you will realize that you are smiling just because the sun is out and that you aren’t having horrible nightmares as often.
I promise, if you keep the focus on taking care of what is important like you and your daughter, forgetting everyone else, you will make it out of the darkness. It is sad that often people, outsiders feel bad and want to get women out of abuse but many don’t realize that the aftermath of abuse can be just as damaging and that is when support is so very crucial for her and her children.
Visit my other blog and read: Use the 5-second rule – (click here to read more) don’t allow yourself more than a few minutes to dwell on people and things that you can’t change. I would count to ten and then force myself to change what I was thinking of. Sounds really simple and silly but after a while, it was normal and easy.
The best gift that you can give yourself and your daughter is your health and healing in the aftermath of abuse. To remove the guilt that you have about how you lived shows your daughter how to move on from it by taking the time to be angry and to move through the stages.
She will go through much of the pain that you are. It is like taking the time to grieve a death, in a sense you are. A brutal death.
You are not alone in the aftermath of abuse
I will support you the best that I can and you will find the right people to support you in your daily life too. Really open up in counseling, it will free your soul to let some of this hurt go. Don’t hang onto it, it will keep you living in this violent self-inflicted prison.
You are worth more than this world has shown you. Taking the courage to write a stranger as you have shows that. I hope to hear from you again. Take one day at a time and focus on what needs to be done for that day. Life will get overwhelming and you will breakdown, the trick is getting back up each time.
If you are still reading, still struggling on what to do next, I would suggest reading some great self-help books, the one I really enjoyed and read 3 times is Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters.” It will help you realize that your family won’t always be there and how to really dig deep to move past the issues you are having now.
This site, youtube, and Google are your friends, just type in the keywords you are dealing with, anxiety, guile, the aftermath of abuse, domestic violence and you will find many resources to help you, that is what I still do today.
When I started this journey over 20 years ago it was harder to find support specific to the aftermath of abuse, but that is not the case today. If I am not our cup of tea, I promise you there is something out there to help you. My goal, to send you in the direction of your healing and the life you deserve to live.
Below is also a great resource to help you cope, it took me years to learn how to deal with my anxiety attacks because I had no idea it was something I could one day control and stop.
The Last Straw 