I received the following email and felt it would benefit her and everyone else to post it here. Help me to support this young girl. I will call her Strength.
Sent: Sunday, July 18, 2010 5:07 AM
Subject: ABUSE SURVIVOR… FOR NOW. . . LONG EMAIL BUT PLEASE HELP ME.
I don’t know if I am suppose to email you or post a comment on your blog, but I dont know how to post a comment
so this is why I am emailing you. It is safe for you to reply here. I KNOW THIS EMAIL IS LONG BUT PLEASE HELP ME.
(the part i wrote in capital bold letters is something that happenned recently and this is why I am scared)
I am 21 years old, and I survived a very traumatizing experience.
I was in a relationship for 1 year and 4 months with a 23 year old guy whom at first seemed like the greatest guy ever.
After like 1 month he started becoming very jealous because he felt insecure that I went to a University and he wored at a feed store. I thought it was cute for him to be jealous at first, but then things got worse. He critized how I dressed, he hated my friends and didnt want me to hang out with them, he expected me to reply his texts in less than 3 minutes or he would get mad, he spent the night at my apartment every night (but i didnt care about that) He caused big scenes at a couple of parties I went to, and threatened to kill himself because I didnt love him. He started grabbing me really hard to the point where I got bruises. He pushed me, and didnt let me move, pulled my hair, and told me horrible things. In our 6 months, we got into an argument and he pushed me to the floor, he said very mean things, and he BROKE MY LAPTOP in half even though I told him I had a school project I had been working on for so long and had to turn it in the next day. I was so depressed of everything he said and I just wanted to die so I took a bunch of pills and I passed out so the police came (and he told them that I was the one who broke my laptop because I was mad) and then I was sent to the hospital. I dont know why I was so stupid that I WAS THE ONE WHO BEGGED HIM TO FORGIVE ME! even thought I didnt do anything wrong.
After that things got worse.Two times he threatened to kill me and ‘CUT ME TO PIECES.” I was scared of him, but when he said he was sorry I forgave him because I loved him.
ON JULY 4TH, OF THIS YEAR, HE TRIED TO KILL ME. HE WAS DRUNK AND AT ABOUT 3:30AM HE DRAGGED ME AND FORCED ME INTO HIS TRUCK AND DROVE INTO SOME FIELDS. HE ACCUSED ME OF ‘CHEATING ON HIM’ AND HE SLAPPED ME, GRABBED MY JAW REALLY HARD AND TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO BREAK IT, HE PULLED MY HAIR, HE CHOKED ME SO HARD UNTIL I COULDNT BREATHE. HE CALLED HIS FRIEND AND ASKED HIM FOR A GUN AND EVEN PUT HIM ON SPEAKER PHONE SO THAT I COULD HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION. HIS FRIEND ON THE PHONE TOLD HIM THAT HE SHOULD NOT KILL ME, BUT INSTEAD THEY SHOULD PAY SOMEONE 500 OR 1000 DOLLARS TO KILL ME SO THAT HE WOULD NOT GET IN TROUBLE. MY EX BOYFRIEND ANSWERED BY SAYING THAT HE WANTED TO KILL ME BY HIMSELF BECAUSE I BETRAYED HIM. HE THEN TOOK ME TO ONE OF HIS FRIENDS HOUSE FENCE AND HIT ME MORE, MADE ME GET OUT OF THE TRUCK AND FACE THE FENCE AND HIT ME. THEN HE MADE ME GET BACK INTO THE TRUCK AND DEMANDED ME TO TELL HIM WHO I CHEATED ON HIM WITH. I TOLD HIM I HAD NEVER CHEATED ON HIM AND HE HIT ME MORE AND TOLD ME HE HAD A GUN AND WAS GOING TO KILL ME, AND EVEN ASKED ME WHERE I WANTED MY BODY SENT. I BEGGED HIM NOT TO KILL ME, AND A MIRACLE HAPPENNED AND HE STARTED DRIVING UNTIL I SAW THE CITY AGAIN (BECAUSE WE WERE IN SOME ISOLATED FIELDS BEFORE THAT) AND HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO TAKE ME TO MY APARTMENT. HE SUDDENLY STOPPED THE TRUCK AND SAID “NEVER MIND, I WILL JUST KILL YOU AND THEN KILL MYSELF BECAUSE IF I LET YOU GO YOU WILL CALL THE POLICE, SO MIGHT AS WELL KILL YOU NOW” SO HE STARTED GOING BACK AND WHEN I SAW A GAS STATION I DECIDED THAT I WOULD RISK IT AND JUMP OUT OF HIS TRUCK. I JUMPED AND STARTED SCREAMING FOR HELP, AND I WAS IN LUCK BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE WHERE AT THE GAS STATION AT ABOUT 5AM! AND THEY HELPED ME. MY EX BOYFRIEND TRIED TO PULL ME BACK AND EVEN RIPPED MY SHIRT, BUT THE TWO GUYS HELPED ME GET HIM AWAY FROM ME AND I RAN INSIDE OF THE GAS STATION AND THE GUY AT THE REGISTER CALLED THE POLICE. I CALLED MY MOM WHO LIVED 4 HOURS AWAY (I WAS LIVING AT THAT CITY JUST FOR SCHOOL) AND SHE CAME AND PICKED ME UP FROM A SHELTER I WAS SENT TO.
WE WENT TO MY APARTMENT TO PICK UP SOME CLOTHE AND MY EX BOYFRIEND WAS ALREADY IN MY APARTMENT, SO I CALLED THE POLICE AND HE TRIED TO ESCAPE BUT THEY GOT HIM. HE WAS CHARGED WITH KIDNAPPING AND VIOLENCE. SINCE HE IS AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT HE IS WITH IMMIGRATION RIGHT NOW, BUT I FILED A RESTRAINING ORDER AND HE WILL HAVE TO BE AT COURT ON THE 23RD OF THIS MONTH (IF HE HAS NOT BEEN DEPORTED YET)
MY PROBLEM IS THAT I LOVE HIM STILL BUT I AM MORE SCARED OF HIM THAN THE LOVE I FEEL. I HAD TO WITHDRAW FROM MY UNIVERISTY BECAUSE IT IS NOT SAFE FOR ME TO BE THERE BECAUSE HE KNOWS EVERYTHING I DO AND WHERE I GO. HIS FRIENDS ARE ALSO INVOLVED IN DRUG TRAFFICKING AND THAT MAKES ME MORE SCARED. I HAVE BEEN SO DEPRESSED. I SENT HIM EMAILS ASKING HIM WHY HE DID THIS TO ME, BUT NOW THAT I HAVE BECOME MORE INFORMED, IM SO SCARED AND I THINK HE WILL WANT TO FIND AND KILL ME AFTER HE IS DEPORTED. HE KNOWS WHERE MY MOM AND BROTHER LIVE (WHICH IS WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW)
AND HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I DONT WANT TO DIE AND I DONT WANT HIM TO HURT ANYBODY. HIS FRIENDS ARE DANGEROUS AND THEY ALL KNOW ME. EVEN THOUGH HE IS NOT FREE RIGHT NOW, HIS FRIENDS ARE, AND HE WILL PROBABLY BE DEPORTED SOON SO I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I AM DEPRESSED BECAUSE I WAS ABOUT TO GRADUATE IN A YEAR AND NOW I WILL BE BEHIND BECAUSE I WILL MISS A SEMESTER (MY MOM WANTS ME TO GET THERAPY AND JUST HAVE TIME TO HEAL) AND I AM SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO GRADUATE FROM THAT UNIVERSITY! (UT AUSTIN) AND NOW I DONT THINK IT IS SAFE FOR ME TO EVER GO BACK THERE! I AM ALSO DEPRESSED BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH! AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE DID THIS TO ME!
I CAN’T SLEEP! WHEN I TRY I HAVE NIGHTMARES. AND I AM VERY SCARED THAT HE WILL TRY TO FIND ME AFTER HE IS FREE OR GET HIS FRIENDS TO KILL ME. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I DONT EVEN FEEL SAFE IN MY HOUSE (IN DALLAS) BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE MY HOUSE IS. WE ARE GOING TO SELL THIS HOUSE AND MOVE TO ANOTHER ONE BUT THAT TAKES SOME TIME.
PLEASE HELP ME. WHAT SHOULD I DO!! 😥
I FEEL MISERABLE
My response: Tuesday, July 20, 2010 8:26PM
It was heartbreaking to say the least to read your email. It is fine to email me here just know that for the sake other others I post everything online too. I will remove the names when needed for safety. I am sorry to hear of all that you have been through and that you are feeling so miserable.
You are so young to have been through so much already, that makes me so sad. I was so sorry to hear about everything that you have dealt with lately. I hope that by sharing your story that you will help others to leave when the beginning signs of abuse start instead of waiting too long. Being overly jealous is a big sign that you need to run, fast. Next is if he begins breaking your belongings. He has no respect for things, let alone you.
Give yourself some slack, I understand that you still love him, even though this is hard for some to understand you don’t have to explain yourself to others. You must know in your heart though that the love from him to you is not real, no one that loves you would treat you that way, every. You do not deserve any of this and from your stories, are extremely lucky to be alive. You will never get the answer from him that you long for, why did he do this, you will never know for there could never be a good enough reason to treat someone the way he did you.
You have every right to be scared, and I know that looking at things now you really wish that you could finish school but your well being is so much more important. If you don’t take the time now to heal you will carry this for the rest of your life. It will hold you back from all of your hopes and dreams. School can wait, it will be there when you are ready.
You have been through hell and back, take the time to deal with what has happened to you and how this has changed the life you thought you had. I would suggest being as far from him and his friends as you can. He doesn’t sound like a really nice guy or the group that he hangs out with. I do not want you living in fear every moment.
You asked me, what do I do? You get into counseling, you get to a place that you feel safe. Start being really open with a counselor, it is the best way to deal with what has happened. Start to journal, it will help you deal with the love that you still have for him. Allow everything else to go to the back burner while you take the time to heal and feel safe again. He has taken so much more from you than you realize.
Write again so that I know you are safe. You can post on the blog too, I will post your letter to gain support for you too, it is a very supportive blog, we are here to help you. Let me know what I can do for you.
Love & Peace,
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