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Posts Tagged ‘healing from abuse’

I wrote this poem years ago and still read it daily to stay inspired and focused:

Dream Focused

Focus,
Focus,
Focus,
Look at nothing else
Put on all your blinders
Or what you want you will lose sight
Concentration is important
Even though it may not seem
If you wish to have what you want in life
You must focus on the dream
Live it
Feel it
Be it
or nothing you will have
For those without a dream in life
Wander down the path
Someday you will feel frightened
Lost and all alone
Close your eyes and search your soul
For something to pull you through
A memory
A dream
A promise of tomorrow
The fate is in store for you must first be thought by You!

 

Today I was reviewing advice online to help rebuild self-esteem after abuse and this article was to the point, don’t try to fix everything, be patient with yourself. I wanted to share the link to the article after reading this part as I have often shared the same advice:

Be patient with yourself. Think about how you’d treat a best friend who had just been through your same situation. You likely wouldn’t tell them to “get over it already.” Let yourself take as much time as you need to sort through your emotions, feel what you need to feel and slowly come back to a positive outlook on the future.

The site offers a ton of resources such as forums and groups to support you in the aftermath of abuse, for teens and adults.  My goal is to provide you with resources and this looks like a pretty good one.  To read the rest of the article click here Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem after abuse.

If you have a site that offers support or know of one please share it in the comments, we are here to help each other heal, if not, what was the point of all of this?

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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For more quotes click here https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2007/08/15/quotes-about-domestic-violence/

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I know this site is often focused on sad things, healing and moving on.  Today I wanted to write about living in the grateful of today.  For some of you, I know there seems like nothing to be grateful for, I have been there too.  At times the only grateful I had was that I was holding my rosary in my hand so that if I died it would be with me. He broke my Rosary out of jealousy one night, to this day I never had it fixed, not sure why, maybe just a reminder of what was and will never be again.

For those of you that are out of immediate danger just being able to breath is something to be grateful for.  I can remember how happy I was that I could open the window shades and let sunshine into my home as he always had them shut, it was a depressing home to say the least.  Now, the first thing I still do every morning is open the shades and let the light in.  Sitting and having a cup of coffee all to myself, no one talking to me, forcing myself to stay focused on the hot coffee and smell, clearing my head for the day.

I am sitting now with that same broken rosary grateful for this moment as I think of the full circle moment I had yesterday.  I had listened to Martina McBride’s Independence Day for years, during some of the most difficult times in my life, I was not selecting the song it would just happen to play on the TV country station  my husband would have on all the time.  I would pretend to not really be interested as I went about my day but would focus on every word she sang.  I was in the midst of the abuse she was singing about and that song was like someone else knew I was there and knew what I was going through. I was always worried he would know what I was thinking when this song played.

Even during the ten or more years I have been free that song will still stop me in my tracks. Well for my full circle, I went to a baseball game tonight, my guy made sure it happened as Martina was singing after the game.  When she sang her first song, the survivor one about breast cancer, I began to cry.  It was such an odd release, I wasn’t sad but I knew that she would be singing Independence Day soon and I was emotional.

The song came, I rarely cried, only a little towards the end.  It was surreal as my now 23 year old son was sitting in the row behind me with his little 1 year old boy and wife nearby.  I had the people I love most in the world sitting around me, all knowing what that song meant to me.  They saw me crying and just smiled lovingly at me.Watching her on stage, how strong she was and how strong I had become was freeing. The song now had new meaning to me, it means for me to keep strong, never allow abuse back into my life, help others to see they can be free too, just a song from Martina to remind me where I have been, to be grateful for what I have today, safety and freedom and true love.

You may not have all of this today but find one thing that you do have to hold onto.  Find the little things to inspire you, reading with your children, being outside in the sun, writing in a journal, certain songs, that one always does it for me, certain music.  Find something to get you through whatever you are dealing with.  You will make it one day, why not today? Be grateful for something as little as opening the windows and letting the sunshine in.I think of everyone that comes here all the time, if I were given magic powers or maybe one wish it would be that domestic violence was something that used to happen in the world, something we talked about in the past tense, something that once was, not something many deal with every day.  It would be that you be free, happy and safe.  May that one wish come true for all of you.

Please share what you are grateful for today, it often helps others to see what they may be taking for granted.  What are you most grateful for today?

May you have your full circle moment, your Independence Day.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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One of my all time favorite books is called Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. If you never read another book of self discovery, read this one. A dear friend gave me this book a few years after I was out of the abuse. It is set up to read a quote and then one page for the day, something to inspire you and make you think. I read that book front to back for over five years. I would finish the book, then a month of so later pick it back up and start all over again. Each you I was growing so when I read the same thing again it meant something different. I grew more each time I read this book.

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One day I have this book to a friend in need, knowing how much it had already helped me. For years I thought of getting the book again but I didn’t. After all, I had read it to death, so I had thought. Every now and then I thought of the book then pushed it out of my mind. Today I had taken my son to a used bookstore to find a book he wanted. As I browsed the self help section for I love those types of books for they not only help me but they help me to help others, there it was. The shelves were covered with books but the pink hard cover book that I speak of seemed to jump off the shelf at me. I immediately pulled it off the shelf. I knew I stood before this book for a reason today. I was so happy I my life I just needed to be reminded of what was important, me.
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I would buy all women this book if I could but I ask that you do this one gift for yourself and buy it. I am sure you can find a copy cheap at a bookstore or online at Amazon. Once you read the book I encourage you to share it with other. Do not my any means give them your copy for you too will want to read it over and over as you will feel your growth each time. Buy them a copy they will thank you.

Today I wanted to share with you what Ms. Breathnach wrote on for January 5th as it jumped off the page at me. The quote at the top of this page read:
The Woman You Were Meant to Be – Many women today feel a sadness we cannot name. Though we accomplish much of what we set out to do, we sense that something is missing in our lives and – fruitlessly – search “out there” for the answers. What’s often wrong is that we are disconnected from an authentic sense of self. This quote was written by Emily Hancock.

The Simple Abundance chapter asks have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who that was looking back at you? I wanted to share with you how I overcame looking away from the mirror. Chances are as I continue to read this book it may have been a lesson from Sarah but today I am not sure.

I remember when I could not look at myself in the mirror and barely looked up as I washed my face, maybe out of shame for who was looking back at me. We can lie to others but we can never lie to ourselves. I had laid enough guilt on my heart to stop it from beating, after all, I was the one that was supposed protect my son and I allowed him to stay in a home with a man that abused me. I married this man, I invited him back after he had tried to kill me. I, I, I. It was all me, the lady that couldn’t even look herself in the eye.

I had read a lesson somewhere that encouraged me to look myself in the eye for ten seconds or more. I was to stare in the mirror and count. Honestly, I would look away before I had counted to three at first. I did this lesson everyday until finally, weeks, maybe even months later I was able to look myself square in the eye. It took months of healing with assistance from self help books and tapes for me to be able to stare down that wounded lady in the mirror. Once I was finally able to face myself, I began to forgive the woman in me that had let all this happen. Everyone tells you to forgive the abuser, that part was easier for me, I had forgiven him years before I could even think of forgiving myself.

Finally, I was able to look at my reflection in the mirror and smile and tried to do so every morning for at least ten seconds as a reminder of who was in control of my life. It has been many years since I have allowed anyone to disrespect me or to physically or mentally abuse me. That will never happened again, the end. I have finally stopped reading self help healing books and moved on to inspirational books that help me set goals and live the life of my dreams. For me this was a true measure of my success. I never asked for money or fame in my life, I just wanted to be able to look at the woman in the mirror and like who I saw.

I encourage you to try this lesson. Each day look in the mirror and stare deep into your soul through your eyes until the count of ten. Don’t fret if you can’t, try again the next day. Eventually, once you can get past ten you will slowly begin to realize that you deserve to be forgiven too. Once you forgive yourself, nothing else will matter. I feel it is not really forgiveness of the abuser that is needed to heal and move on, it is the forgiveness of oneself, at least I found this to be true for me.

Let me know how this lesson has helped you too.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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What does it mean to wear a white ribbon? (from the White ribbon international site)

Wearing a white ribbon is a personal pledge to never commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women and girls. Wearing a white ribbon is a way of saying, “Our future has no violence against women.”

What is the White Ribbon Campaign (WRC)?

The White Ribbon Campaign (WRC) is the largest effort in the world of men working to end violence against women (VAW). In over fifty-five countries, campaigns are led by both men and women, even though the focus is on educating men and boys. In some countries it is a general public education effort focused on ending violence against women.

via Healing & Awareness.

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Readers;  To help support other women and to help them find this supportive blog please link to this blog when possible. When you link here it increase the chance of it being found in search engines, again, allowing others to benefit from our suppport.  My many thanks. 

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog, The Last Straw. My goal with this blog is to help motivate and inspire women in the days following leaving a battered women’s shelter and are on thier own for the first time in a long time.

As much as you don’t want to hear the F word, it is the first thing you must do to move on, Forgive the worst one of all … YOU!. I don’t mean to say you are the worst one but I felt that I was to blame for all of it. After all I stayed when he passed out drunk. I stayed after the first time he hit me. I stayed when he tried to kill me. But my life changed when I finally began to forgive myself. It doesn’t happen in a day, all better, I have forgiven myself. It has taken years but since the first glimmer of my own forgiveness I have begun to heal. Honestly, I forgave my abuser in my mind, not to his face, long before I even forgave myself.

The months following the removal of my abusive husband were some of the toughest. The silence was defeaning. Even though I didn’t exist living in the home with my husband this new feeling was scary.

It has been over 10 years now and looking back being alone for so long was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. It gave me the first chance in my life to get to clear out my head and get strong day by day. Living with domestic violence day and day you become so used to the cruelty. It was difficult but the time alone allowed me to get rid of all the crap my husband had filled my head with over the years, you are fat, ugly, no man will ever want you. Just insert the crap you were fed. Again, being able to clear my head was the best gift of all.

Deep inside is a really strong woman to have made it this far.Let go of all of your guilt, it serves no purpose in your recovery. You don’t have to tell the world your story, but you have to admit to yourself. That is the first step in your healing.

If you have been away from the abuse please comment and share what you do to keep motivated and able to deal with your past. If you don’t deal with it, it will come back to haunt you. Trust me on that one.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca Burns
I am so proud of you, I really am.

Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
Voice: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 800-799-SAFE (

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It has been almost 10 years since my husband died and for my son it was as if it was yesterday, the pain is so deep. His sister died late August of this year so it has brought old wounds to the surface. My son was barely six when his father passed. I had debated allowing him to the services and last night was grateful that I had. I would regret it to this day if I had not taken him. I did not attend my first wake until I was sixteen. Now his grandfather on his father’s side died today and we must attend another funeral. He is just 16 and has had to deal with too many deaths for a child.

He has come a long way. It was a very therapeutic night last night. I took out every picture in the house and we went through them for hours. He had said that he does not remember his father’s voice and that he only remembers the bad stuff. His father was a mean man towards me. The aftermath of the abuse affects my son to this day. Back to the pictures. I wanted to show him that there were some happy times; he just could not remember them because he focused too much on the bad events. I told him that I had forgiven his father a long time ago, it was the only way that I could move forward and be grateful for the son that we made and the brother and sister he has from his father’s previous marriage.

I ramble but the point was that the pictures showed many happy events and it felt like a turning point for my son. He seemed so happy that there were pictures at the beach, camping and lots of his father holding him as a child. Granted the photo’s end by the time he is six, but at least there were some. I gave him a photo album and he placed the pictures in it. We looked through it today and for the first time he was able to look at photos of hid dad without crying. He seemed to have changed.

All I pray for is that my son can forgive his father for his own sake. As mean as this man was he was human and was doing all the he knew how too. My husband had been beaten most days by his father. He did not abuse my son; he swore no one would ever harm him.

Forgiveness is key. You hear it all the time and I am proof that it makes a difference in your life. Without my forgiveness to my husband and myself, I would be a very bitter, depressed woman who contributed nothing to the world or to my son.

Forgive yourself; forgive someone you know than thou need to. You do not actually have to tell that person; just knowing it in your heart is what let us the anger go.

Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
Voice: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 800-799-

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