I lay in the fetal position in the middle of the aftermath of an explosion. I had lived through a small tornado when I was a little girl, but this was more terrifying. My favorite photos were not visible through the green spray paint that now covered the frame that lay on the kitchen floor. One phone lay by my head, the other smashed in the living room wall. I was very weak and my life was out of control.
I had to move, there was so much to do, and so little free time left before the police had to release my drunken husband. I stepped over the shattered dishes and poured a glass of tap water. I had been up for 24-hours and the lack of food and rest increased my anxiety. I tried to remember the night before, but it still seemed a dream. My son and I fled in the middle of the night, like thieves. My heart had never raced so fast, not that I had not been afraid before, but I was actually running away this time.
Fear consumed me as I walked up the steps of the courthouse. My husband would be very angry with me and I was certain he would take my life. The daily fear of dying in front of my son became so compelling, so definite; I had to do what I could to stop it this time. The memory of being held hostage at my kitchen table while our son, barely three, was placed on the table to watch, forced me to be strong. I could not wake another day, praying and pretending it away.
No one knew how I lived; I had so many secrets, and felt naked, with everyone staring at the women who looked like she had slept in her car. Dirty tears trickled down my face as I tried to compose myself.
“Did he threaten you?” asked the judge.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“You must speak up, no one is going to hurt you.”
“Yes, he threatened me.”
“How?”
“He held a knife to my throat; he told me I was going to die.”
I was relieved there were no more questions. Grateful, I squeezed my Rosary already imbedded in the palm of my hand. I had been sleeping with it for years, so if I died, God would be with me.
The judge granted the restraining order, and told me I could step down. I waited on a bench in the hall where a woman brought me my copy of the order. It should have been over, but it was not. She asked me where they would serve him the papers, and I reminded her police had taken him the night before. He was released and would be waiting for me at home. The police followed me to my apartment. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I had to do it to save my life.
One of the officers told me to enter the house and then let them in. My fear showed for I could barely get my key in the front door lock. The front screen lay on the ground; my husband had climbed in through the front window. My husband looked confused when he saw me, I am sure he thought he had frightened me enough not to return this time.
“What the hell do you want?” he hollered at me.
Just then, the two large police officers entered the apartment. He lay half-dressed on the couch he had been sleeping on for years. One officer told him to put on his shoes, take nothing else and leave. It hurt to see the father of my child, walk off into the streets, with nothing but the shirt on his back. It hurt that it had come to this day but I was so thankful it had finally come.
When I went to pick up my son I felt compelled as I drove past the church where had been christened to go in. I sat in the back and clutched my rosary so tight it caused a familiar indent in my hand. Two women appeared on either side of me. They rubbed my back and tried to console me then they were gone. It felt surreal. Calmness came over me like I had never felt before. As afraid as I had been, I had done it. I had finally had the strength to make him stay away. I did not have to live with him hurting me. Life was still a struggle, but I was no longer living with the invisible fear on a daily basis.
Be Strong,
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Angela,
It has been over 15 years, we have well moved on, thank you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I hope you and your son are safe and happy.
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Dear Robyn,
Thank you for posting, you are a strong women. I need others to understand, it doesn’t matter how young the child it, my son was with this man too until 5 years old. He is twenty now. Suffers with Bi-polar, disphoric manic, I feel from abuse to me, he has PTSD to this day, dreams of being stabbed in the back. Greif that this is what he had for a father. He remembered every single detail of what his father did for most was in front of him. The years after abuse were some of the worse as I watched my son lose his mind, long before we knew he was bipolar. What I am trying to say is the children will always remember.
Tell him only what he needs to know when he asks. I would answer mys sons questions as they came. Sadly, no matter what they will always miss wanting a father. Fathers are so important to a little boy.
I am proud that you are safe and now can have a better life. I encourage others to rea Roby’s blog at abusedmom.blogspot.com
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Your story is heartfelt and I can fully relate to it. The only difference is my ex didn’t have a knife, he had a midevil weapon and my son wasn’t three years old, I was only three months pregnant. I flee for safety by locking myself in my bathroom, called my parents and they came to get me. It breaks my heart that it comes to this violence and the children are affected by it. One year later, my ex is still harassing me at every chance he gets and doesn’t care that there is a baby in the midst of everything. I too have a restraining order against him, which he breaks all the time: But, do I have him arrested? How would I explain this to my son! Thank goodness you had the strength to leave him and your son is young enough he can be saved from the circle of abuse. I like to compare women like us to Cinderella. We were treated poorly went through hell and back, but gosh darn it we WILL have our happy ending!
Robyn
abusedmom.blogspot.com
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My heart goes out to you as I know how it feels to have that one defining and terrifying moment when you decide that is it. Mine came after years of child sexual abuse and a final ultimatum and threat by my abuser.
Life is just too short to live in horror, and I hope you and others find the right support and advocates to help you get back your lives.
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You will realise in time that you have done the right thing though heartwrenching it is at the time. I had to walk out on a four year marriage to a man who took everything from my, my home, my money, my security, threats, no food in the the cupboard and no money. Im deaf and disabled I dont like saying those words,,, but always be strong and believe do thing for you… its so important. That horrendous event happened about six to seven years ago now, you move on,, get even stronger and realise my goodness that you have done so the right thing.
Many Blessings to You All
faithx
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Recently I got back in touch with an old friend that I had before I entered into very abusive marriage, which ended over 10 years ago. Unwittingly, she opened a wound I had long since thought was stitched together pretty well.
The sudden depression I have sunk in has been so uncharacteristic in the last few years as I’ve worked so hard to turn my life around. I started reaching out…to anyone to try to regain my new found stability and confidence. My new reality is that I am married to a wonderful man in a very happy home. I never thought it was possible.
Your story could have been my own 10 years ago. I have goosebumps that have permanently taken up residence and tears in my eyes. But your story has reminded me that I have steel in my veins and that life is over.
It’s over for me, and over for my daughter (then 3), who was also injured while trying to save my life. As someone else wrote…..that “Final Straw” is so crystal clear like it was yesterday. It was the moment of triumph though, even as much as trauma. It was when we said “No more.” No more was my daughter going to think that living in that type of relationship was okay. No more was I going to stop thinking of myself as “the Loser” because I couldn’t hold my marriage together.
We are now in a good place. It really is possible. And if you are like me and you find yourself slipping back, reading survivor stories from others really helps!
Thank you so much for your courage of writing this down. You have helped me a great deal today.
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Reading your poem brought back alot of memories for me i’m actually shaking = ( Sometimes it doesn’t end with the restraining order, if it ended for you that way your lucky…. I’m glad you are a survivor = )
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I am a black mom who cant receive justice. I have been beaten by my husband on 4 occasions and called
911 for help in a all white community. 2 of these times I was arrested while i was covered with bruises and
my husband had a bruised right knuckle.
I was thrown backwards over a chair by my husband with my 5 year old in my arms on Nov. 22 and 911 was called while my husband held me and my son down on the ground for 12 minutes in the fetal position and my son and i both received injuries and the police after 5 hours managed to arrest me for endangering my child because I was holding him when I was thrown backwards over a chair. My son has been taken from me and I have not seen him for 11 days.
The Delaware ohio sheriff’s dept is CLEARLY discriminating against me due to my race and NEVER has my husband been arrested for my numerous beatings. i lived 3 weeks in a domestic violence shelter with my son
and still no one will help me or my son.
I beg for your help !! I am broke and losing my son.
must inform you of another incident that occured in July of 2008 with the Delaware county sheriffs office.
On july the 6th at 9 pm my husband had thrown me backwards over a chair and hit me in the face with his
elbow and bruised both arms and both of my legs. I called Delaware county sherriff’s office to the scene.
They came out took photos of the bruise on my husbands right hand and no photos of me at all.
All photos were taken of me at that station after they ARRESTED me. All charges were later dropped because
my husband took the 5th and would not speak. My husband was not charged.
I have called Delaware county on 4 other occasions for beatings and never has my husband been charged.
The level of abuse i am suffering from my husband and the delaware sherrifs office is illegal at this point.
Jacqueline Zeune
614 583 0940
614 214 5780
My name is Jacqueline Zeune. My address is 450 Heather Lane, Powell
> Ohio 43065. I am a
>
> black female age 42 married to a white male age 53. We have a son age 5
> Garret Thomas Zeune.
>
> I am writing this letter in the hopes that my cries for help from a
> abusive husband as well
>
> As a police dept. who will not protect me from this abuse be prosecuted.
>
> This Saturday november 22, 2008 I called was placed to 911 by my domestic
> violence advocate Donna Thomas. Donna phoned 911 on my behalf because my
> husband had just chased me down the hallway and forced his way into my
> bedroom. Within minutes of being physically threatened by my husband.
>
> My intent was to take my son and return to a Domestic Violence Shelter
> that we had just resided in for 3 Ã,½ weeks. As I was attempting to
> shield my son and myself from the physical attack on my body my
>
> Husband threw myself and my son backwards over a chair (causing physical
> injuries to both me and my son), My back and my sons back are both marked.
> After being thrown backwards over the chair my husband then proceeded to
> force my son and I into a small tiny space against a wall. 911 was on the
> phone the entire time as I screamed for my husband to get off of me and
> allow my son and I to get up from the floor until the police arrived. My
> husband held my son and I in that position for close to 15 minutes while
> the police were in route to my home. While being held down on the floor
> and blocked from leaving the home my husband also had a death grip on my
> legs with his legs while leaning over us with his body and forcibly
> holding me on the floor with his legs. My legs have very significant
> bruises in the exact spot of being held. My left arm was injured as well
> my right index finger pinched during the incident. The sherrifâÂ?ÂTs
> office arrived at my home and entered my home.
>
> I explained to them the incident and was given a report to file Domestic
> Violence charges. I filled out a incident report as well as a Domestic
> violence complaint form. Sergeant Butler of the Delaware SherrifâÂ?ÂTs
> office was called to the scene approximately 1 Ã,½ to 2 hours after the
> initial officers arrived and had taken photos of me and taken my
> complaint.
>
> Sergeant Butler entered the home and spoke only with my husband regarding
> the incident. There was a total of 5 officers in my home. 4 of the
> officers where white and one was black. The white officers spent the
> majority of the time speaking with my husband while the black officer was
> assigned to watch me.
>
> Sergeant Butler had phoned Delaware County child services because my son
> had also received physical injuries during the Domestic Violence incident.
> Child services arrived on the scene and as I stood in the door way Sgt.
> Butler brought the child care expert into the home and proceeded to
> introduce her to my husband as Mr. Zeune. I was never introduced to her.
> She was introduced to my husband and then my husband played for them a
> tape he had recorded from the incident in which you can hear me screaming
> the chair being forced backwards, me begging for my husband to please get
> off of my son and I.
>
> The child care expert was then taken directly to meet my son and never
> introduced to me.
>
> Sgt Butler at that time informed us that Ray and I both were going to be
> arrested for child endangerment. I was in a state of shock. I asked him
> why and explained to him that 911 was called to stop a physical attack on
> me and that his officers had taken several photos of me and asked him why
> my husband was not going to be charged. He told me there was no proof my
> husband had caused the visible bruises on me and that our 5 year old son
> had told a different version of the story and that he was a smart boy and
> that what he (my 5 year old) was the deciding factor based on what he
> said. He stated that my son told a different version and that my son was
> not a liar and proceeded to place me and my husband under arrest.
>
> No action was taken to protect my rights. I am still physically beaten and
> bruising has darkened.
>
> After being released from jail on November the 2th I again spoke to Sgt.
> Butler and he again refused to press charges against my husband.
>
>
>
> I was beaten and held down while holding my son for close to 15 minutes
> all while 911 listened in on the phone as I begged for my freedom and
> screamed from the hitting.
>
>
>
> Please assist me with filing a criminal civil rights violation complaint
> and any necessary criminal charges against my husband and the Delaware
> County sherrifâÂ?ÂTs dept. My race is the only reason for this attack on
> me and my child.
>
>My son is now in the hands of child services and I have not seen or spoke to him in 11 days because I called for help from yet another beating.
>
> Thank you
>
> Jacqueline Zeune
>
> 614 214 5780
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Have added you to the blogroll, (hope it is ok) having just read your post. You did courageously well to go through that, myself was too ill to take it further, but now regret that.
It would have brought the conclusion, finality that i needed. Would encourage very woman who is a victim of domestic violence, to go to the Police and courts. You post tells of that courage and even though it was obviously so hard for you, it also relates that you were able to do it, will give strength to many other women in the same position. That afraid/fear is a little word on the screen, but to have it surging around your body is a different matter….
It hurt to see the father of your child….isn’t that so true for women, they still hurt about that (in the leaving) despite extreme violence. However, later as you have more distance that hurt diminishes that would cloud your judgement in leaving, that is what personally i have found…..
They make us so weak for many reasons, your post is encouraging, to go through with it.
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Dear Avim,
Thank you for adding me to your blogroll, by doing so you add this resource to others in need. Bless you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Adele,
My heart broke to read your post. It sounds just like me to the tee. I loved my husband too, most women do that is what makes it so crazy to us and others. You MUST leave or you will be die. You have received all of the warning signs. It is clear he is going to get worse and worse. CALL A HOTLINE, they will get you out KNOW. You DO NOT have to be alone. There are others out there that dedicate their lives to helping women in the siuation you are in. I know you feel alone know but if you can get the courage to make that call and escape I PROMISE you your life can be all that you dream. NO ONE should live the way you are living. I know it won’t change, it just doesn’t when it is the way you are living.
He is the one with the issues and you are the punching bag. He may love you too but he doesn’t get the right to treat you this way. Call your directory and ask for abuse hotline. Call from work. They will help you make a plan to escape. Don’t tell him you are leaving and follow the steps the hotline tells you, they will come get you and get you out. We want you out before it is in a body bag.
You already fear for your life, it shows in your post. Please, put the value on your life that you deserve and get out. Stay alone for a long time and realize the only love you need is your own.
You are in my prayers tonight. A world of others support you and we don’t even know your face, but we know your heart and soul.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Danielle,
Of course, just link back to the site to support others. Let me know the site name and I will link it under resources as well. I also have a collection of poetry from women all over that will be offered as a free resource soon and a book to come out soon.
The purpose of this blog is to support other during and after the abuse. If we don’t gain strength from what we have been through what was the point.
This is a great community here and we welcome everyone to join in and share.
Let me know if there is anything that I can ever do to support your efforts as well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
email: Dreamfocused@earthlink.net
feel free to email directly
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Dear Cris,
I am a totally healed woman today and seek to support others. Your post was heart felt. I did title it the last fifteen minutes for the reasons you noted. I am writing a book titled, the last straw and would be intereested if you would like to share you last fifteen minutes. You can email your story to me at dreamfocused@earthlink.net or post it here. When writing make sure to write: permisson for me to post in upcoming book. I will only add a first name if you like, or I make up a first name. This is a book to support others in why we stayed so long and to support others in the aftermath of abuse to make sure that they never return to that life again. You can read more by searching the posts here about The Last Straw Book.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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First, congratulations on your courage,strength and freedom. I just stumbled upon your page and my heart thumped and sunk into my stomach as I read your words. I can fully relate to the secrets, the fear,the daily terror,the shattered self worth,the conflicting feelings and finally some sense of relief. My child,too,witnessed her father choke me to unconsciousness in our kitchen-and they both witnessed much more. It’s interesting that you titled this “The Last 15 minutes..” . My abuse was almost 13 years ago but the last 15 minutes are so crystal in my mind-like a movie. I’ve gone a long time without fully dealing with it and even though it was so long ago it,sometimes,feels like it just happenned. I took a severe beating that cold January morning. I remember him kicking me so hard as I curled up on the iciy road that he left boot marks in my back. Although, I have a ways to go towards healing from it, I can’t help but to ALWAYS remember that last day of violence as the best day of my life because that was when I finally made the decision that I would take no more.
I wish you serenity,peace and love.
pls feel free to email me if you need extra support.
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Hi Rebecca; I’m sorry to post this in comments but I couldn’t find an e-mail contact for you,
I’m creating a Domestic Violence Awareness Month website/blog for Jewish Women International (JWI), gathering 31 personal stories of domestic and relationship violence – writing, video, audio, art – to be posted each day throughout October.
I’m wondering if you’d allow us to post one (or a few) of the stories on this blog to JWI’s “31 stories/31 days” DVAM site. Of course I’d include a link back to your site.
Thanks very much,
-Danielle
*JWI works both within and outside the Jewish community, developing education, action, advocacy and philanthropic initiatives that help women and girls celebrate their strength, achieve independence, and thrive in healthy relationships.
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Firstly as Gayle says I’m in awe of you for having the courage to leave. Unfortunately I am not as strong as you and as much as I know I need to get out of my relationship I don’t seem to have the strength to do so. When I first met my partner (we are engaged to be married) he was like a god send. Here was a man who didn’t drink and smoke and loved to go to church or so I thought. He told me all about his past and how he used to be abusive with his ex but told me that was all behind him and would not happen with us. He also had had his firearm taken away and declared unfit to possess one because of his violent past. Because of his openess in telling me I believed him and thought (foolishly) things would be different with me. Why I thought that was beyond me now when I look back. After 6 months the abuse started and was firstly emotional and mental but draining nonetheless. I was not allowed to have friends, receive calls, go anywhere without him and he monitored everything I did. He would call constantly checking up on me and always accussing me of having an affair and the name calling was never ending. I had to call him when I got to work, if I went to send a fax etc, he just didn’t understand that I was at work and had a job to do. If I went out lunch time, which I was only allowed to do with his permission, I had to call and let him know I was leaving and then call when I returned to let him know when I was back. In a nutshell he had to be told everything I did during the day and I had to account for every minute of my time. If I forgot to do any of the above there would be hell to pay and the verbal abuse would go on for hours because we had now moved in together. He checks my underwear when I get home from work which is such a demeaning act for me. I sometimes feel as though I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and in those moments briefly consider ending it all. But then I realise that my kids (which are not from him) would have no mother and I love them too much to do that.
In the last few months the abuse has become physical. He has now started slapping me around (in front of my kids) and pushing and shoving, punching and threatening to kill me. I had even had to jump out of a moving car on the highway late one evening cause he was driving like a maniac and threatening to kill us both by crashing into a barrier. Needless to say I sustained severe injuries including broken ribs and a badly bruised body as he had slowed down for a vehicle in front of him and at that time I managed to jump out. Needless to say he blamed me for my injuries for being so stupid and jumping out of a moving car. I even get food thrown at me, in fact whatever is close to him during an argument gets thrown at me. I have no-one to turn to because he has kept me away from all my friends and family and they have given up on me because they have told me to leave him and I can’t because through it all I still love him. I feel like such a weak, pathetic person for still loving him after all he has put me through. He wants me to leave work but I refuse to do that. He has told me that he will kill himself and me if I leave him or that he will do a good job of putting me in hospital knowing that I will not take him back after that. He says “I’m lucky” he doesn’t hit me like he did with his ex because she used to be in hospital constantly due to the abuse he put her through. He won’t go for help and says there is nothing wrong with him and that I make him do these things. Yet in another breath he cries and says I must help but I how I can I help someone who doesn’t wan to help themselves. Also he doesn’t admit to having a problem so how can I help him change what he doesn’t acknowledge.
I feel so alone and trapped and just want my life back because right now my life belongs to him and not to me. I love him but I can’t do this anymore – I’m not strong enough because he has broken me down emotionally and I’m so afraid of him. How is it possible to love someone that you afraid of and that hurts? The bible says that “If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it” but that doesn;t seem to be happening for me. Has he forsaken me in my time of need?
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[…] – bookmarked by 4 members originally found by taniafa on 2008-07-23 My Last 15 Minutes – Leaving Domestic Violence – Leaving Abusive … […]
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omg !! that is so true neone should go trough what you’ve gone trough and i’m so happy you found the strengh to get away from all of that i wish there where more people like you
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Rebecca,
I don’t have the words, right now, to describe how in awe I am that you were able to leave. Your story is a light in the darkness that shows other survivors the way. May God bless you and your son and provide protection and healing!
Gayle
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I am adding your blog to my blogroll.
Avi
friend@husbandabuseblog.com
http://www.husbandabuseblog.com
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Rebbeca,
May G-D give your strength. This will be the beginning of a great and happy new life!
Sincerely
Avi
friend@husbandabuseblog.com
http://www.husbandabuseblog.com
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