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Archive for the ‘Goal Setting’ Category

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Are Toleration’s standing in the way and blocking your Success!

My favorite time of the year is the week between Christmas and the New Year, during that time I decide what my major 3-4 goals will be for the following year. I had never really heard about setting goals until a little over 20 years ago, thanks to my younger sister who knew exactly what I needed to move on after my husband had been removed from my home. I was suddenly away from a man that I had begged God to free me from for years and now I sat alone with my four-year-old son. I was clueless about what to do next.

She had given me a 30-day program and I listened to each cassette and did the exercises in a notebook daily. Some days I would listen to 2 tapes as I could feel the changes in my mind.

“The powerful realization that I could control what I thought about was like discovering the reason for my life. It had never occurred to me that I could somehow control what I thought about and focused on.”

Like some of you that read my writing, you may have lived a life of daily, sometimes hourly survival.  When you live that way you never have the luxury to sit and reflect on what you really want your life to be, the current goal is surviving the day.

For me setting long-term goals was the furthest thing from my mind when I started the tape program so I was happy when the first thing that I was asked to do was to write down a list of things that I would no longer tolerate in my life.

What does setting Goals have to do with Toleration’s?

Let me tell you, you can have the best goals in place but if you are tolerating lots of what may seem like little things, you are using your focus, energy, and space in your brain that could be better spent on important things like YOUR GOALS!

Start thinking about what you are Tolerating right now!

Learn to Stop Tolerating what you don't want to start having what you do want

Toleration’s can take many forms, they can be physical actions that when you deal with them one time they are gone like:

  • Your cluttered office where you can’t find what you need quickly
  • A cluttered closet that makes you feel defeated each time you go into it
  • Laundry that you let pile up for weeks so you can’t find what you need
  • The hole in the wall that has been there for a year that if you spent 20 minutes taking care of it would be fixed
  • The car that has been broken down for months that you need to get to the junkyard (you see it every day you enter your home)

Tolerations can also be less tangible things that are taking up space in your mind like:

  • Being overweight and not taking any action to fix it
  • Dealing with chronic pain because you are not exercising or doing the things that help you feel better
  • Wasted days because you do not have a daily routine
  • Making excuses about why you haven’t started that business or written that book
  • Being in a negative mindset most days because you are not doing the things that help you stay positive

So what is the BENEFIT of removing Tolerations?

When you remove Tolerations, you are able to free up little pockets of space in your brain.  It may not sound like a big deal but if you add up all the big and little things that you are tolerating, you would be amazed at how much space you are taking up in your already full brain.

Take some of the examples above and imagine how it would feel to:

  • Find the things you need because you have a routine where you do a load of laundry every day!
  • Walk into your home every day without passing the broken down car in the driveway!
  • Find the clothing that you want to wear in your de-cluttered closet!
  • Waking up in a positive mindset ready to rock the day
  • Know you have a daily plan in place to help you lose weight and feel better!

Are your Tolerations standing in the way of your success, freedom, and peace of mind?

YES! The reason that I refer to Tolerations as taking up little pockets of space is that I am a visual gal and this helps me to see how I am wasting my energy on things that I don’t need to if I just took some action.

For example, the cluttered closet on the list is mine!  I am currently tolerating a very full closet, while this may not sound like a big toleration for you, every time I walk in the closet I feel a little overwhelmed. To avoid dealing with this toleration I grab the same 2-3 pieces of clothing that I wear pretty much every day and get dressed.

The good news is that once I am out of the closet this toleration no longer bothers me.  Or does it? 

For a long time, I did not realize it, but when I was laying in my bed, even when the closet door was shut, I knew that there was a mess right behind that door.  Now that little pocket in my brain, without my even realizing it was not just thinking about the mess, but reminding me of how many times I had said I was going to create a capsule wardrobe and get rid of the rest of the clothing I never wore.

This Toleration was causing me to feel defeated, even at a time when I thought it was not even on my mind!

Now I am not just struggling with a full closet, but the disappointment that I am not following through on something that would be beneficial for me. Get the idea, I’ve learned to just Tolerate it.

So, the big question is, why doesn’t she just clean out the darn closet?  Well, it isn’t life or death, it isn’t hurting anyone and it is not urgent.  So instead, I allow this non-urgent toleration to drain my energy.

So what is the BENEFIT of removing this toleration? It will help me in many ways, not just by allowing me to find clothing that I really love, but when I clear out that clutter, I allow myself more time for me and what I really want.

Clear our your head by writing down everything you are currently Tolerating

First, take out a sheet of paper (if you join my list below you will get your Free Goal Setting Worksheets and Checklists with Toleration listing) or open your computer and write down everything that you can think of that you are tolerating.

This list should not be confused with a normal to do a list like do the laundry, clean the house or go shopping, this should be one time things, that if you removed them or rather stopped Tolerating them, you would be more successful.

Pick Your Top 3 Tolerations to Focus on

Next, go through your list of Toleration’s and pick the top 3 things that if completed, would take a weight off your shoulders and create a sense of excitement for you to move down the list.  Keep this list handy, once you complete 1 toleration, you will pick another one so that you always keep focused on removing 3 at a time.

Next, write the Top 3 Tolerations on the top of a page

Next, underneath each Toleration write why you will no longer tolerate that thing, be clear on how if it was removed your life would change, Clarity is King.

For example, back to my overflowing closet, my why is: I know if this was removed from my life I would feel lighter, I would be able to open my closet and find something to wear that I really liked and made me feel good quickly.  Once I got dressed the overflowing closet would no longer be on my mind. This Toleration would be removed from my mind.

Finally, write what you will do to remove this Toleration from your life.

My plan: I have a plan in place that every day I spend just a few minutes sorting in my closet.  I have started in one spot and am working my way around.  It doesn’t sound like much but each day I do this I may remove a piece or 2 of clothing and find something I had forgotten about.  I have already donated a big box of clothing and gotten rid of a few other things.  The best news is that even though this project will take some time to complete, I no longer have the toleration taking up space in my mind most days as I know I have a plan to remove it.

So why don’t I just take a weekend and clear out the entire close?  I have tried this in the past, it becomes too overwhelming and I end up just putting pretty much everything back in place just to be done with it.

Please share

To help others who are working to remove Tolerations from their life please share what 3 top tolerations you will remove from your life starting today.

Once I feel confident these items are no longer a Toleration I will move on to other ones. My current Top 3 Tolerations as of this writing are:

  1. Cluttered closet (working on little bits daily)
  2. Lack of daily focus (I have created routines and review them first thing each morning)
  3. Not writing on a regular basis: (my routine – work on a piece of writing like this daily, even if for just a few minutes)

If you are working on your Tolerations and are ready to focus on your Top Goals grab your Free Goal Setting Worksheets and Daily Checklists to help you Succeed when you join my list at www..ReBeccaBurns.com.

Don’t forget to leave a comment with the list of your current Top 3 Tolerations and how you will remove them!

ReBeccaBurns.com eMpowering Women

 

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Today I was reviewing advice online to help rebuild self-esteem after abuse and the article linked below was to the point, don’t try to fix everything, be patient with yourself.

Be patient with yourself. Think about how you’d treat a best friend who had just been through the same situation. You likely wouldn’t tell them to “get over it already.” Let yourself take as much time as you need to sort through your emotions, feel what you need to feel and slowly come back to a positive outlook on the future.

The linked site offers a ton of resources such as forums and groups to support you in the aftermath of abuse, for teens and adults. My goal is to provide you with resources and this looks like a pretty good one. To read the rest of the article click here Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem after abuse.

I wrote this poem years ago and still read it daily to stay inspired and focused:

Dream Focused

Focus,
Focus,
Focus,
Look at nothing else
Put on all your blinders
Or what you want you will lose sight
Concentration is important
Even though it may not seem
If you wish to have what you want in life
You must focus on the dream
Live it
Feel it
Be it
or nothing you will have
For those without a dream in life
Wander down the path
Someday you will feel frightened
Lost and all alone
Close your eyes and search your soul
For something to pull you through
A memory
A dream
A promise of tomorrow
The fate is in store for you must first be thought by You!

If you have a site that offers support or know of one please share it in the comments, we are here to help each other heal, if not, what was the point of all of this?

Free Printable of Poem ready to frame – click here!

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

 

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Mirror Mirror on the Wall – how staring down that woman in the mirror can help you recover from abuse

One of my all-time favorite books is called Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. A dear friend gave me this book a few years after I was out of the domestic violence and I believe it helped me in more ways than I can list.  If you ever read another book of self-discovery, read this one.

This one book helped me recover in the aftermath of domestic violence and greatly helped improve my self-esteem with each page and lesson that I read.

The book is set up to read a quote and then one page for the day, something to inspire you and make you think. I read that book front to back five years in a row. I would finish the book, then a month or so later pick it back up and start all over again as sometimes, for me, I needed to continue to help improve my self-esteem.

Each year I was growing so when I read the same thing again it meant something different. I grew more each time I read this book and with it improved my self-esteem

One day I gave this book to a friend in need, knowing how much it had already helped me. For years I thought of getting the book again but I didn’t. After all, I had read it to death, so I had thought. Every now and then I thought of the book then pushed it out of my mind.

The book was meant to be with me

Today I had taken my son to a used bookstore to find a book he wanted. As I browsed the self-help section for I love those types of books for they not only help me but they help me to help others, there it was. The shelves were covered with books but the pink hardcover book that I speak of seemed to jump off the shelf at me. I knew I stood before this book for a reason today. I was so happy in my life I just needed to be reminded of what was important, me.

I would buy all women this book if I could but I ask that you do this one gift for yourself and buy it. I am sure you can find a copy cheap at a bookstore or online at Amazon.

Once you read the book I encourage you to share it with others. Do not by any means give them your copy for you too will want to read it over and over as you will feel your growth each time. Buy them a copy they will thank you.

Today I wanted to share with you what Ms. Breathnach wrote on for January 5th as it jumped off the page at me. The quote at the top of this page read:

“The Woman You Were Meant to Be – Many women today feel a sadness we cannot name. Though we accomplish much of what we set out to do, we sense that something is missing in our lives and – fruitlessly – search “out there” for the answers. What’s often wrong is that we are disconnected from an authentic sense of self. This quote was written by Emily Hancock.” 

The Simple Abundance chapter asks have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who that was looking back at you.

I remember a time when I could not look at myself in the mirror and barely looked up as I washed my face, for me, it was out of my own self inflicted shame at who was looking back at me.

We can lie to others but we can never lie to ourselves. I had laid enough self-inflicted guilt on my heart to stop it from beating, after all, I was the one that was supposed protect my son from violence and I allowed him to stay in a home with a man that abused me. I married this man, I invited him back after he had tried to kill me. I, I, I. It was all me, the lady that couldn’t even look herself in the eye. (Please, I understand saying the world Guilt to someone who has been abused comes across wrong, this is about how I felt as a woman in the aftermath, this is never to shame anyone)

I had read a lesson somewhere that encouraged me to look myself in the eye for ten seconds or more. I was to stare in the mirror and count. Honestly, I would look away before I had counted to three at first. I did this lesson every day until finally, weeks, maybe even months later I was able to look myself square in the eye. It took months of healing with assistance from self-help books and tapes for me to be able to stare down that wounded lady in the mirror.

“Once I was finally able to face myself in the mirror I was able to forgive my bad decisions which helped me slowly let go of the self-inficted guilt and shame I felt.” 

Finally, I was able to look at my reflection in the mirror and smile, I tried to do this every morning for at least ten seconds as a reminder of who was in control of my life. It has been many years since I have allowed anyone to disrespect or abuse me. That will never happen again, the end.

For me this was a true measure of my success and growth in the aftermath of domestic violence. I never asked for money or fame in my life, I just wanted to be able to look at the woman in the mirror and like who I saw and finally live without all that motherly guilt.

If you struggle for any reason to look in the mirror no matter why, but especially in the aftermath of domestic violence and abuse, I encourage you to try this lesson. Each day look in the mirror and stare deep into your soul through your eyes until the count of ten. Don’t fret if you can’t, try again the next day. Eventually, once you can get past ten you will slowly begin to realize that you are beautiful and should never look away.

Let me know how this lesson has helped you too and share your progress in comments. Your recovery and growth will inspire another to look in the mirror.

ReBeccaBurns.com eMpowering Women

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