Are Toleration’s standing in the way and blocking your Success!
My favorite time of the year is the week between Christmas and the New Year, during that time I decide what my major 3-4 goals will be for the following year. I had never really heard about setting goals until a little over 20 years ago, thanks to my younger sister who knew exactly what I needed to move on after my husband had been removed from my home. I was suddenly away from a man that I had begged God to free me from for years and now I sat alone with my four-year-old son. I was clueless about what to do next.
She had given me a 30-day program and I listened to each cassette and did the exercises in a notebook daily. Some days I would listen to 2 tapes as I could feel the changes in my mind.
“The powerful realization that I could control what I thought about was like discovering the reason for my life. It had never occurred to me that I could somehow control what I thought about and focused on.”
Like some of you that read my writing, you may have lived a life of daily, sometimes hourly survival. When you live that way you never have the luxury to sit and reflect on what you really want your life to be, the current goal is surviving the day.
For me setting long-term goals was the furthest thing from my mind when I started the tape program so I was happy when the first thing that I was asked to do was to write down a list of things that I would no longer tolerate in my life.
What does setting Goals have to do with Toleration’s?
Let me tell you, you can have the best goals in place but if you are tolerating lots of what may seem like little things, you are using your focus, energy, and space in your brain that could be better spent on important things like YOUR GOALS!
Start thinking about what you are Tolerating right now!
Toleration’s can take many forms, they can be physical actions that when you deal with them one time they are gone like:
- Your cluttered office where you can’t find what you need quickly
- A cluttered closet that makes you feel defeated each time you go into it
- Laundry that you let pile up for weeks so you can’t find what you need
- The hole in the wall that has been there for a year that if you spent 20 minutes taking care of it would be fixed
- The car that has been broken down for months that you need to get to the junkyard (you see it every day you enter your home)
Tolerations can also be less tangible things that are taking up space in your mind like:
- Being overweight and not taking any action to fix it
- Dealing with chronic pain because you are not exercising or doing the things that help you feel better
- Wasted days because you do not have a daily routine
- Making excuses about why you haven’t started that business or written that book
- Being in a negative mindset most days because you are not doing the things that help you stay positive
So what is the BENEFIT of removing Tolerations?
When you remove Tolerations, you are able to free up little pockets of space in your brain. It may not sound like a big deal but if you add up all the big and little things that you are tolerating, you would be amazed at how much space you are taking up in your already full brain.
Take some of the examples above and imagine how it would feel to:
- Find the things you need because you have a routine where you do a load of laundry every day!
- Walk into your home every day without passing the broken down car in the driveway!
- Find the clothing that you want to wear in your de-cluttered closet!
- Waking up in a positive mindset ready to rock the day
- Know you have a daily plan in place to help you lose weight and feel better!
Are your Tolerations standing in the way of your success, freedom, and peace of mind?
YES! The reason that I refer to Tolerations as taking up little pockets of space is that I am a visual gal and this helps me to see how I am wasting my energy on things that I don’t need to if I just took some action.
For example, the cluttered closet on the list is mine! I am currently tolerating a very full closet, while this may not sound like a big toleration for you, every time I walk in the closet I feel a little overwhelmed. To avoid dealing with this toleration I grab the same 2-3 pieces of clothing that I wear pretty much every day and get dressed.
The good news is that once I am out of the closet this toleration no longer bothers me. Or does it?
For a long time, I did not realize it, but when I was laying in my bed, even when the closet door was shut, I knew that there was a mess right behind that door. Now that little pocket in my brain, without my even realizing it was not just thinking about the mess, but reminding me of how many times I had said I was going to create a capsule wardrobe and get rid of the rest of the clothing I never wore.
This Toleration was causing me to feel defeated, even at a time when I thought it was not even on my mind!
Now I am not just struggling with a full closet, but the disappointment that I am not following through on something that would be beneficial for me. Get the idea, I’ve learned to just Tolerate it.
So, the big question is, why doesn’t she just clean out the darn closet? Well, it isn’t life or death, it isn’t hurting anyone and it is not urgent. So instead, I allow this non-urgent toleration to drain my energy.
So what is the BENEFIT of removing this toleration? It will help me in many ways, not just by allowing me to find clothing that I really love, but when I clear out that clutter, I allow myself more time for me and what I really want.
Clear our your head by writing down everything you are currently Tolerating
First, take out a sheet of paper (if you join my list below you will get your Free Goal Setting Worksheets and Checklists with Toleration listing) or open your computer and write down everything that you can think of that you are tolerating.
This list should not be confused with a normal to do a list like do the laundry, clean the house or go shopping, this should be one time things, that if you removed them or rather stopped Tolerating them, you would be more successful.
Pick Your Top 3 Tolerations to Focus on
Next, go through your list of Toleration’s and pick the top 3 things that if completed, would take a weight off your shoulders and create a sense of excitement for you to move down the list. Keep this list handy, once you complete 1 toleration, you will pick another one so that you always keep focused on removing 3 at a time.
Next, write the Top 3 Tolerations on the top of a page
Next, underneath each Toleration write why you will no longer tolerate that thing, be clear on how if it was removed your life would change, Clarity is King.
For example, back to my overflowing closet, my why is: I know if this was removed from my life I would feel lighter, I would be able to open my closet and find something to wear that I really liked and made me feel good quickly. Once I got dressed the overflowing closet would no longer be on my mind. This Toleration would be removed from my mind.
Finally, write what you will do to remove this Toleration from your life.
My plan: I have a plan in place that every day I spend just a few minutes sorting in my closet. I have started in one spot and am working my way around. It doesn’t sound like much but each day I do this I may remove a piece or 2 of clothing and find something I had forgotten about. I have already donated a big box of clothing and gotten rid of a few other things. The best news is that even though this project will take some time to complete, I no longer have the toleration taking up space in my mind most days as I know I have a plan to remove it.
So why don’t I just take a weekend and clear out the entire close? I have tried this in the past, it becomes too overwhelming and I end up just putting pretty much everything back in place just to be done with it.
Please share
To help others who are working to remove Tolerations from their life please share what 3 top tolerations you will remove from your life starting today.
Once I feel confident these items are no longer a Toleration I will move on to other ones. My current Top 3 Tolerations as of this writing are:
- Cluttered closet (working on little bits daily)
- Lack of daily focus (I have created routines and review them first thing each morning)
- Not writing on a regular basis: (my routine – work on a piece of writing like this daily, even if for just a few minutes)
If you are working on your Tolerations and are ready to focus on your Top Goals grab your Free Goal Setting Worksheets and Daily Checklists to help you Succeed when you join my list at www..ReBeccaBurns.com.
Don’t forget to leave a comment with the list of your current Top 3 Tolerations and how you will remove them!
Dear Elle,
I agree, takes two, an abuser and the person that knows they will abuse and enters anyway. I knew it would get worse and I stayed. Had I not stayed he wouldn’t have been able to abuse me. I agree, we see so many red flags but don’t’ want to be alone or want to change him.
Thanks for sharing what you did, it was important for others to know we can’t minimize the abuse forever.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I know this is hard to hear, but it takes two people to play a game of throw. Domestic violence is a game of throw. We have to get serious about the power over our lives that we DO have and take responsibility for ‘showing up’ repeatedly in an enviornment of any abuse, physical or otherwise.
Yes, we. Yesterday a man in my life that I have very strong feelings for extended his arm out and hit me over my chest. Now as we all know, by the time it gets to this point there are quite a few blazing red flags in the background. The words he choose during his rage said something to the effect of ‘I am a raging motherfucker’, ‘bitch this and bitch that’, then threats to bash my skull in with his bare hands. He has victimized himself into believing that he has no control or power over his actions when he gets this upset. But, he was aware enough to monitor his actions in relation to his new car we were in painstakingly wiping away the saliva that flew from his mouth onto his new bright and shiny dashboard while yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs. Later to write in a text, that I am embarrased to say that I read ‘you got me upset in my new car, I didn’t have anything else to hit but you’ and ‘ if we were in my old car you would have never gotten hit because I would have hit it instead’.
Sad to say, this event was the breakthrough event because I could no longer tell myself that he just guided by body to the side or he let his finger accidentally slip into my face during arguements. The bs I was willing to tell myself was ridiculous. He blatently hit me. I was actually pissed at him simply because now, he’d done something that I could not ignore for the sake of everyhting I wanted the relationship to be. Wish me luck as I do you. This is going to take alot of selflove, courage, and focus. We can do it.
LikeLike
Dear T,
That was so much to share. You sound like you are on the right path to recovery. You did the right thing, you took care of your children and got all of you out safely. You had a good head on your shoulders. It will take time to let go of things, especially things that changed who you are.
It is good to be alone after abuse and wonderful when you meet a man that understands and can really be there for you. I am so happy that you have found that. Life feeling as though you are living in a prison is no life.
You made the right decision T. Totally proud to hear a story like yours.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Your story sounds so familiar. I struggled in a relationship for the past 7 years. Everything was always my fault and all I was good for was to make him miserable. I lived my life scared of waking up and the rest of the time praying that I could just go to bed and sleep so that I didn’t have to wait for the beating that was sure to come at any given time. My children witnessed it and I prayed they wouldn’t try to be the “hero” and save Mommy. If there was warning enough and I saw it coming on I made sure they were shuffled out of the house to friends’ or family. I look back now and the abuse affected them so profoundly and so deeply that I have had to seek counseling for them both in the hopes that the pattern stops with my ex and to help them cope when they leave the house to visit family or friends. To make sure they know that Mommy is safe and just letting them be kids when they go. This man would find girlfriends while we were together and tell me that it was my fault because I allowed the boys’ father to write to them and he had told me to stop allowing it. My breaking point came while I laid in bed one night wondering if I would survive in prison after I killed him and mentally deciding who my children would live with. I snapped out of it and realized that he was not worth a lifetime away from my children and not worth losing the person I am. He may have robbed me of 7 years of my life but he was not going to take away the rest of it.
I’ve since moved on and met someone who is completely the opposite. He was my best friend thru the end so he understands what I have been through and takes pains to make sure I feel safe. He locks the door before he leaves for work in the early morning and lets me sleep on the inside of the bed away from the door because he knows I need to feel safe. He knows there are times when I need to have space and there are times that I still look behind me to make sure he isn’t there. We don’t dwell on it or let it rule our lives. He also understands the “sickness” of loving my ex. I spend months telling myself that it wasn’t that bad; that there was still something to salvage. Its taken me a long while to realize that it wasn’t love. It was loving a man that I wished he was. I still deal with lingering anxieties and still think back on the good times. What gets me thru everyday is knowing I rescued my kids from a life that could very well have not included their mother; whether I went to prison or died at his hands.
LikeLike
Dear Keep Faith,
From the bottom of my heart I am so sorry for not responding sooner. Especially so such a post as this one. I am ashamed for that. Your post was something I hear too often and it is heartbreaking. Thank God you are out with your life and your baby. If you want advice, run, get as far from this man as you can. I understand that you still love him, most woman still do. I promise you one thing, let a year go by without any abuse, smile and be happy, enjoy that baby and heal, you will realize that you loved what you wanted him to be for you. You didn’t love what he did to your life. He is taking a piece of you each day you are with him.
Things really do happen for a reason. My biggest prayer is that you don’t get so lonely and he pleads for you to return. Chances are he will kill you or worse your family. This is real life.
You are the only one that decides what is in your life. Decide you want more. Let me know if you can how counseling is going. You need support to get strong. The best thing you can do is get strong now so that you never allow a man like this back into your life.
You do not deserve this in your life, what you do from here out will teach your baby what to do and accept. My son is bipolar and unless he gets treatment, you will suffer for his illness.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I am leaving my story, b/c I just need to hear some feedback from other women who have been through this. This is all new to me. My husband and I have only been married since October 15th and as of now we are separated. We have had some issues throughout our relationship, and I got pregnant while before we had gotten married as well. During my pregnancy we broke up probably 3 times one of those was an engagement! I had to go through such an emotional roller coaster while carrying our child. He is bipolar and I was trying and trying my best to handle it and accept it b/c he is the love of my life! He knows every single thing about me and has been my best friend for so long now, but at the same time he uses all my weaknesses against me to put me down. For instance, if we get into a fight I get called every name in the world and how I am useless and how no one will ever want to be with me and how he is disgusted for ever even dating me…Then the next day its “Oh I love you and I am so sorry for saying all those hateful things and I will never do it again” He would buy me something or take me out on a fancy date to make up for it. He used to bring up past relationships and obsess over them and how I was such a slut to ever sleep with anyone else and he can never be with someone who was just so free with herself! I have no idea where he even gets off thinking I was a slut, b/c I am far from it! But after a while I started doubting myself and all my friends who know me even said “No, you are not at all! Do not listen to him”. He though has a past of being with close to 300 girls!!! And I have never judged him for that! He always having something to say about my friends as well. He finds something in every single friend of mine to not like them for. After listening to this for so long I slowly just shut people out and he was the only person I hung out with besides our close family. One day he came home saying that he wanted to change and be a better person and be a good father and bla bla bla. And he signed us up for counseling and we went to that for a couple months and during that time he proposed to me again and I said yes b/c I really thought maybe God had worked in his life and changed him for the best. So we continued counseling for a month more then got married and we were only married a month when he totally flipped into a different person! Someone just awful to me! If our baby was crying he would tell me just to put her in her room and let her cry and shut the door and I would say no and just have to pretty much stay closed up in her bedroom with her just so he wouldnt get upset. He would come home carrying on about how beautiful some girl in his class was (in college) and how he wasnt trying to upset me but he just wanted to tell me! Why? And if I told him that bothered me he would say I was being jealous and he would NOT put up with that crap for the rest of his life! So I would end up crying and telling him I wasnt being jealous but that I just felt it was disrespectful for him to do that stuff! On Thanksgiving day we got into a fight b/c our daughter was crying and he was handling it pretty well, then he just got up and yelled “Oh my gosh I cant take this!” He got dressed and started out the door! I asked where he was going and he said he was going to take a drive and get some coffee and chill out. I asked if he would like to take a drive while I made some coffee for him (just trying to help) and he just flipped out! He said I just had to say something and I couldnt just shut my F-ing mouth and how he needed me to just leave him alone when he was getting upset and how he wanted a divorce b/c there is no way he can live with me anymore! All over me saying one thing! It kept getting worse and he threw his wedding band on the dresser and I asked why he was doing that and I just got upset a threw my ring down as well, that pissed him off so he took it and said he threw in into the field outside our house! He held me down on the bed screaming at me in my face and telling me how he hated me and not to ever touch him, then I spent an hour in the wind crawling on my hands and knees outside looking for the ring while he stood at the door watching me, then he called me to come inside and warm up and to let me know he still had the ring and never threw it out but he wanted to teach me a lesson! I dont know why I stayed but I did and about a month ago we got into another huge fight and this time it was in the car and he was screaming at me and I told him just to please stop and i would go file for an annulment that day! Then he would reach over and try holding my hand and I would pull away and he would just taunt me saying “oh can I not hold my wifes hand?” Then he wanted to use my car to go somewhere and I said no, he cant talk to me like that and treat me like that and expect to just get things handed to him! Well that made him so so so mad again and he said I was just being a bi*#@ and I would always be that way and was bitter and selfish and how I will end up alone b/c no one will want someone with a child and how none of my past relationships have worked out b/c of me and they just used me for one thing and that is all I was good for and he regreted ever being with me again! He just kept saying F you! Over and over and how he was moving and getting as far away from me as he could and he was leaning over in the car in my face just yelling about how worthless I was and I will never amount to anything and I will always be alone and just the most degrading things ever…Well I hit him in the face! I cant believe I even did, it just happened! Then he started to pull over and he said he was gonna take me in an alley and beat the living F out of me so I started to call 911 on my cell phone and he said do it do it b/c they are going to need to know where you are after I am through with you! I wanted to get out of the car and run but my daughter was in her carseat in the back! So finally he drove to the college and got out and got his stuff out of the back and I ran to get in the front and drive off and he grabbed me by the throat and squeezed me and said if I ever touched him again he would beat the F out of me! I went to the police dept and filed charges and they arrested him! Now we are just waiting to see what happens! It sounds so stupid but I love him and I keep hoping we could make things work! He keeps telling through text messages how i have now ruined his life and he will have this on his record forever b/c of me! I just dont even know how to explain how I feel! i am starting counseling Monday! any advice?
LikeLike