As I writer I love a good quote, the one that had been on my screen saver for months at the time of this writing was written by Ernest Hemingway and it read: “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” My true sentence will come a little later.
Have you ever read something that compelled you to take immediate action because you were so moved? Well, I had one of those moments tonight as I was relaxing in my bed watching Ted.com (Ideas worth spreading) a site where you can listen to discussions on a wide variety of topics.
I was randomly scrolling through the new content, the first speech was about how the world is over-medicated and over-diagnosed, but that is another discussion. It was the second talk that inspired me to get out of my comfy bed and write to you.
The speech was by a lawyer named David Dow and it was dated January 2012. In the speech, he talked about learning about life from a death row inmate.
While I am sure that deep down I knew that each man on death row was once a child, hearing him say that each one maybe lived in abuse, witnessed it, was abandoned or lived on the streets struck me to my core as I thought about all of the children that live or have lived in dysfunctional homes, my son included.
What really hit me was when he said that 80% of death row inmates in Texas had been in the juvenile system as well.
He talked about how at one time these little boys still had a chance to be supported before they turned to murder which forever sealed not only their fate but that of another human being.
Once the murder was committed, it then became too late to help; after all, a murder was committed and innocent life was taken.
As a mother that escaped a violent childhood and marriage, I knew all too well how the way we grow up impacts who we become.
I also know that it was by the Grace of God, my dedication to being his mother, and endless prayer that my son turned out to be one of the most amazing men you can meet.
Sadly, this is not true for the 2,624 men that are currently sitting on death row, counting down the days until their last meal.
I was far from being the perfect mother. To this day I vividly remember sitting at my kitchen table talking to my sister as we discussed that I should leave this man before the baby was born.
I was 27-years-old and had always been insecure and unable to trust my gut which I am sure stemmed from my dysfunctional childhood. This insecurity caused me to think that all of my life decisions were the wrong ones. I feared that taking my child’s father from him before he was even born would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Little did I know at the time that keeping his father in his life would be what ended up haunting us both for the rest of our lives.
My son was one of the lucky few men to be able to break the chains of domestic violence and a dysfunctional home as an adult, something I will be forever grateful for, especially when I see my grandson who lives a life of safety, love and security.
Again, sadly not all young men will have the strength or resources to break these chains, and while it is too late to turn back the clock for the young men currently on death row, it is not too late for us to change the future for the children that are growing up now, that may currently be destined to have their last bed in life be a small cot on death row.
I write to support women in the aftermath of domestic violence so this was written with you in mind.
If you are like I was and you play that old record in your head, “I can’t take them away, the kids need a mother or a father,” trust me, you are not doing them any favors.
Ok, enough about that, so what brought me to tears and made the jump out of my comfy bed to write to you tonight, it was something this young man named Will said as he shared a horrific memory from when he was 5-years-old and living with his mother who was a paranoid schizophrenic.
The night before Will was about to be executed his lawyer, David Dow, asked him, “do you really remember your mom trying to kill you when you were 5, or do you just remember others saying that she did?”
The young man replied, “no disrespect, but when you are 5-years-old and your mother is chasing you around the house with a butcher knife that is bigger than you are and she is screaming she is going to kill you and you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and lean against the door and holler for help until the police got there, that’s something you don’t forget.”
If this is not a true sentence, I don’t know what is.
After his mother was hospitalized he was sent to live with his older brother who would eventually kill himself with a bullet to his chest.
Will was then bounced around from family member to family member until he ended up living on his own at around 9-years-old. He then joined a gang and committed multiple crimes until the most serious one that he had been on death row for, murder.
I try to imagine my young son who was around 5 when his father was removed from our home, he would eventually have counseling and support but even that was not enough to save him from the aftermath of abuse.
I then try to imagine my little man being pushed out into the world all by himself and forcing him to figure out a life that most adults struggle to deal with.
My truest sentence, “if you remain living with a violent person your children will have a greater chance that they too will be violent or attempt suicide or like I did they may become passive and allow someone into their life that can easily take advantage of them.”
This is from my own experience as a child that tried desperately to be invisible in a very dysfunctional home to trying to comprehend as an adult why the man that said he loved me also tried to stab me with butcher knives and hold me, hostage, in my own home as he threatened to chop me up with the large ax he held in his hand.
Because I felt he needed to have a father so bad I was forced to watch as my son has had to struggle much of his life with remembering his father sitting him on top of our kitchen table while he had me pinned in a chair. His father held a switchblade to my throat and said, “say goodbye to mommy.” My sweet little blonde hair blue-eyed little boy who was around 3 to 4-years-old at that time said “bye mommy,” in his happy little voice as if we were playing a game.
I am sure that Will’s memory along with what I watched my son live through triggered the emotions in me tonight. I encourage you to watch the video by David Dow, you can find it on Ted.com under David Dow.
After you watch it decide, is it really worth ruining the rest of my child’s life to stay with a parent that is unstable just for the sake of having that other parent?
This is not about men or women, both can be toxic, it is about saving our children!
While Will’s story is heartbreaking, David Dow doesn’t just give us hope but real solutions that we can stop violence and prevent another child from ending up on death row if as a society we put the funds into supporting these children when they are young before a life of crime even happens.
This is about keeping our children innocent and off of death row.
When something like this really moves me I feel compelled to share it with you in hopes that we can prevent suffering in the world, especially for our children.
They say one person can’t change the world but David Dow has managed to change it for the countless men that he has supported on death row, he understands that these men were all someone’s little boy at one time.
If this moved, you pass it on, there is still time to stop another little boy from ending up a death row inmate, maybe even your little boy.
After this article was finished I realized more advice on how you can help was lacking.
Most of us don’t know what to do, you may read this article and think, this was sad and then return to your hot cup of Starbucks or scroll through your social media for a bit. If the image of these young men continues to sit on your mind and you want to do more, make a donation to a local charity like the Domestic Violence Hotline, a number that many of these young men may have called at one time for help.
Find a local agency that supports disadvantaged children and give your money or time, they both make such a difference. Become a big brother or find a young man to mentor. If you have a voice, share this with the world like I am doing.
While I do not have all the answers, I am willing to speak out and hope that you will join me in this fight to save our children.
Love & Peace,
ReBecca
The Last Straw 