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Archive for the ‘domestic violence-healing’ Category

Photo-Bigger-Tolerations

Stop Tolerating – Start Living. My favorite time of the year is the week between Christmas and the New Year, during that time I decide what my major 3 goals will be for the following year, one thing I strive to do is have them all written down and set in Stone by New Years day or that week at the latest, by set in stone I mean they have been written in my goal journal and entered into a Power Point that I update yearly and as my goals change, posted on the bathroom mirror and written somewhere so that I see them from my bed.

Yes, I have a PowerPoint for my goals, even though I am not an A type personality I find that if something isn’t visual, I will forget to look at it and with goals, we all know we must look at them often.

Finding a way that will keep you focused on your goals is important so find something that works for you. This post contains several things that I do and have done in the past to keep me focused, my goal and hope is that one or more work for you.

I started writing down my goals down over 20 years ago, thanks to my younger sister who knew exactly what I needed to move on after my husband had been removed from my home. I was suddenly free from a man that I begged God to free me from for many years and now I sat alone with my four year old son and I was clueless on what to do next.

Tolerations_Goal_Setting

Back to the goals, I had never really heard about goals and didn’t know where to begin until my sister gave me an Anthony Robbins 30 day program to get my life back on track.

I honestly listened to each cassette tape and wrote the exercises in a notebook daily. Some days I would listen to 2 tapes as I could feel the change in my mind.

The powerful realization that I could control what I thought about was like discovering the reason for my life. It had never occurred to me that I could somehow control what I thought about and focused on.

Like many of you I had lived a life of daily, sometimes hourly survival that I never had the time to sit and reflect on what I wanted my life to someday be, I just knew what I didn’t want it to be. Setting long term goals was the furthest thing from my mind. I was happy when the first thing that I was asked to do was to write down a list of what I would no longer tolerate, so that is where I would like you to begin today if you have never set any goals.

Take out a sheet of paper or open your computer or print out this Toleration_List_Worksheet and write the things that you will no longer tolerate from this day going forward, write until you have completely emptied out your head. Way back when I first started I wrote things like, no more anxiety attacks, never letting my husband back into my life, no longer being afraid to sleep in my bed. Since I was not yet ready to focus on a long term goal, deciding what I would no longer tolerate was something that I felt I was able to control. This is like baby steps for taking back control of your life.

Next, go through the sheet of toleration’s and pick the top 3 that must happen in order for your life to move forward. Save the others for another time, when you have removed the first three. Then write out the top 3 toleration’s on the top of a page as your top 3 goals. Underneath each one write why you will no longer tolerate this item, be clear on how if they are removed your life will change, Clarity is King. Finally, write what you will do to remove this toleration from your life.

For example, I knew that I needed and wanted to stop having anxiety attacks as I brought most of them on myself. I would continue to play the same record repeatedly in my head until I was unable to function.

By removing this from my life I would be able to take control of my life better.

I made a plan that I would allow my self to the count of 5 to dwell on something that upset me, then I had to stop thinking about it. I know that sounds silly, but after a few weeks at this it seemed to work, not always but most times I succeeded on changing the record in my head.

To help others that are trying to set goals, please share what 3 top toleration’s you will remove from your life starting today. For me, in the year 2018, my toleration’s are: no more chunks of wasted down time, I will make sure this doesn’t happen as I will consistently plan my 15 Minutes to Thrive where I write out what I will spend at least 15 minutes on each day that week to reach my goal.  I will no longer tolerate not being in peak health at 53 and I will no longer tolerate working for someone else. This helped me create my top 3 goals, for some of you there may be no need to create a list of tolerations, you may now with certainty what your top 3 goals are, great, have at it.

Decide today, will you tolerate and waste another day of your life by allowing things you don’t want to continue or will you remove that toleration from your life today? Please share your toleration list to inspire others.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

 

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I wrote this poem years ago and still read it daily to stay inspired and focused:

Dream Focused

Focus,
Focus,
Focus,
Look at nothing else
Put on all your blinders
Or what you want you will lose sight
Concentration is important
Even though it may not seem
If you wish to have what you want in life
You must focus on the dream
Live it
Feel it
Be it
or nothing you will have
For those without a dream in life
Wander down the path
Someday you will feel frightened
Lost and all alone
Close your eyes and search your soul
For something to pull you through
A memory
A dream
A promise of tomorrow
The fate is in store for you must first be thought by You!

 

Today I was reviewing advice online to help rebuild self-esteem after abuse and this article was to the point, don’t try to fix everything, be patient with yourself. I wanted to share the link to the article after reading this part as I have often shared the same advice:

Be patient with yourself. Think about how you’d treat a best friend who had just been through your same situation. You likely wouldn’t tell them to “get over it already.” Let yourself take as much time as you need to sort through your emotions, feel what you need to feel and slowly come back to a positive outlook on the future.

The site offers a ton of resources such as forums and groups to support you in the aftermath of abuse, for teens and adults.  My goal is to provide you with resources and this looks like a pretty good one.  To read the rest of the article click here Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem after abuse.

If you have a site that offers support or know of one please share it in the comments, we are here to help each other heal, if not, what was the point of all of this?

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

Dream_Focused_Inspirational_Poetry_children_adults

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It is amazing the small decisions that can really change your life, your mood, everything.  No matter where you are, there are decisions you can make.  Sometimes we are surviving in the moment and the decision to survive is all we have. If you are in that place today, know that it can change, I am proof of that.

Yesterday my family went off to volunteer at a Triathlon for the disabled.  I did not go as mommy really needed a just me day as I can’t remember the last time I had one of those, if you are able to make one of those happen, do it, even if you can’t have a full day, take what you can get, sometimes an hour or two can change your outlook and mood.

While my family was off doing good in the world, I was home thinking of how I could do good for Rebecca.

I had been struggling recently as I had been on pretty much bed-rest for 4-5 months with migraine associated vertigo, never heard of it, great, you don’t’ want to.

It is basically a thief that slowly steals your life and sentences you to dark rooms, headaches and sunglasses pretty much 24-7 with the bonus of feeling like you are on a very fast merry go round!

The good news is that I was able to return to somewhat of my normal life a little over a month ago but I have not been able to get back any of the focus I had before then.

Most days I was going through the motions of what needed to be done but wasn’t writing which is my biggest passion, of course I was thinking about writing because that is what I do, I think too much and often struggle to get out of my own head.

 

Well today was a different day mentally and I really don’t think this would have happened if I had been surrounded by others, the silence and solitude helped bring out a change.

I slept late because next to writing and my grandson, sleeping is my favorite thing to do.

Not long after being up today I had that normal urge to write, the one I usually push  down as it doesn’t’ seem as important as other things like cleaning the house, but today was different, I put my laptop on my bed and began doing some writing, nothing here just some other projects that began to get the juices flowing.

I hear of writers that don’t know what to write about but I never seem to run out of ideas, I just run out of the follow through to put the words on paper and sometimes to just hit publish.

After a little bit of writing I put Youtube on my tv from my phone, which I love to do and the video I wrote about yesterday that talked about how counting down from 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 can change your life.  The fact that I had gotten the juices flowing and then seeing a video that inspired me prompted the post from yesterday. You have a 5 second window to change your life, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 …

Once I felt I had filled that void I had in me for sometime, I went to the pool where we live, they had just redone this area and put in those large cabanas like at a resort and I was the only one there on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, had there been someone bringing me cold drinks on demand, it would have been Heaven.

Actually it was, I took a nice dip just to cool off then I laid on the biggest bed and spread out.  I listened to Pink and worked on a much needed tan.

Soon after my guy and girl came home, tired as could be.  Unlike me, they worked very hard today, they gave out water and cold towels and assisted those that needed assistance to medical after a long hot Triathlon.

They came home with amazing pictures of people that looked like they had all odds against them but never let it stop them, it was very inspiring.

lady mentor

Back to my reason for writing today, this is now Monday and I was able to get up earlier, get a few things done and sit down here to write this, it may encourage you to take some time to yourself, it may not.

Having that one day to myself yesterday (which did not included chores) has helped to jump start my productivity again, something I have been trying to get back for months.

 

Again, it is the little things that matter and the little decisions that can change your life.  I am all about changing your life by changing your focus and that is so true for me.  You get what you focus on, stop focusing on what you can’t change.

I had often focused on a horrible past as it seemed to have such a strong hold on me as though I had never really gotten free.

Funny as I reread this for errors I wonder if I write all of this just for me, to remind myself of what is important. Writing is an amazing gift to give yourself, it is sometimes like a therapist but much cheaper.

I highly encourage you to write, even if you do not want to share it with the world you can journal privately.

Ladies, it is time to be free, if you are out of the violence and struggling to heal find some rituals that can quickly bring you back to this minute and what you want moving forward.

This was one of the hardest things for me and at times still is today but each day is that fresh start to create the life you want. How that ritual cup of coffee can help you stay Committed & Focused!

I would love to hear what you did or are doing now to get past your past.  What did you do to move forward and heal?  Have you drastically changed your life for the better?  If so, please share your story for others, stories that encourage can change another life.

May you get a few minutes silence and solitude today.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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I always love when I open the right book at the right time or turn on the TV and one of my favorites things in on.  Well, something like that happened today but I wasn’t even looking.  I love that I can cast Youtube from my phone to my bedroom tv, well today I was doing some work on the computer and I wanted to watch some videos about the stuff I love, blogging, marketing, stuff like that, nothing special, but this filled the silence without having to put on music.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my silence but when doing some tasks, this helps.

After watching a video about blogging suddenly one started to play that I think was titled, The best speech ever, secret to self motivation. It talks about the 5 second rule and no, not the one where if you drop that piece of candy on the floor you can pick it up within 5 seconds, if no one saw you, maybe you have 10.

You_have_5_seconds_to_change_your_life

This was about how motivation rarely works but counting down from 5, 4. 3. 2. 1 can and does all over the world.  I had watched something about this earlier in the year and had implemented it, but then like some habits, I just stopped, but it had been working.

It was like my mojo knew I needed this 5 second rule reminder. Now writing this it reminded me that I used this method when I never heard of as I dealt with major anxiety attacks in the past, I would allow my self 5 seconds to change my thoughts, it always worked. Tips to survive an anxiety attack

Please share below if you have used this countdown method to stop anxiety or improve areas of your life. Normally the simple things we feel won’t work.

I strongly encourage you to watch this video, it may be just what you needed to snap into action for things in your life, this will apply to every single area of your life.  The link is below and I embedded the video so you can save another second, and you better know I am counting down, if you do not click the link to watch withing 5 seconds, you never will.

5 seconds to change your life – best speech ever

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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Moments that make us look back are often so spur of the moment.  My boyfriend and I picked up my 25 year old son to take him to brunch today,  I am happy that my son that could be hanging with his friends, chooses to hang with us often, I also love that my boyfriend is one of his best friends. This man has been more of a role model and father to my son this is father ever was.

We are driving back after brunch when my son randomly says, it is the 20 year anniversary of my father’s death soon.  I could sense from how he said it so matter of factually like, it might rain later, that he basically feels nothing but a person he should love and care about, died.  This made me so sad yet grateful this man left his life while my son was so young.  Granted the damage of who his father was remained, but I can only imagine the terror he would have brought on my son as he got older.  I feared he would be a teenager being forced to stay the night with an abusive drunk, my son had enough scars having he man in life for just 6 years. I am certain God took the man almost 20 years ago to save my son and I from living the rest of our lives in fear of him.

My son now has a 3 year old son, something he has always wanted.  Funny, he is about to divorce but he had always said, I want a son never a wife.  He so wanted to be the father he never had.  Last week he told me he son said, “daddy, we will be best friends forever.”  My son glowed, as a mother I deeply wish he had this from his own father.

Back today, the man that adores him, my boyfriend of 8 years, took him out to buy him a bike, granted my son is 25, but having a man you respect just take out to get you something you really want, it is just so bonding as a mother to watch.  If anything, the past that we both had has made us both greatly appreciate the good people in our life, my boyfriend being one of the best ones.  My son introduces us to his friends as his mother and stepfather, years ago is was my mom’s boyfriend, this just melted my guys heart.  Today they are unable to find the right bike so they come back home and I see my boyfriend taking his favorite bike out to the truck to send it home with my son, my son liked the bike and since they were not able to find one today, he gave him his.   Just the look of joy on my son’s face made it all worth it.  Knowing someone cares about you enough to give up something they enjoy to see you happy.

There is no point to this writing today except that I knew I wanted to share it with all of you.  There is hope of a better life, for years I have lived waiting for the shoe to drop, but it hasn’t.  My life has been calm and happy, extra happy in the last 8 years having a great man in it and my son so happy.  I need to accept that my life is good and get rid of that feeling that it won’t last.  This keeps me grateful every day for what I have, funny how a bad past can do that for you.  May you find your grateful.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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