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set goals and move beyond domestic violence

set goals and move beyond domestic violence

Hi Ladies,

I recently created a facebook page to gather us as a group in moving forward from this point, it will not be a place to share our horror stories, we can do that here, the page will be for moving forward, sharing what you did to move past the abuse, what do you do now to keep your life on track. Help me show those here that finally left abuse and wonder, now what, how do I live my life now?  Show them your strength o encourage them in knowing they too can do this.   Please join the page, once you do you will have access to free ebooks that I will be adding, come today to get Inside the mind of Winners, great stories that inspire.  Please like the page to encourage others to follow.

https://www.facebook.com/rebecca.burns.967422

I want to see this community grow into the next stage of healing and support for others, help me do that.

I will launch my new site soon, it will be an amazing resource for you, join me on facebook so you will be the first to know it is ready to visit.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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Quotes about Domestic Violence

I encourage you to post related Quotes and I will list them all here. Please leave the name of the author, as a writer I don’t like to post without giving credit. Readers are often searching for quotes on Domestic Violence and Support. I hope that these may inspire our day or make you think; abuse is never your fault and should not be tolerated by anyone.

9/24/2013
“Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude.” For that means that no matter how unhappy your marriage is, you can be happy as an individual –  Dale Carnegie

The following was recently by Daniel:

“PEOPLE WHO HAVE EITHER BEEN TREATED BADLY OR ABUSED AS A CHILD MAY OR MAY NOT END UP BEING THE ABUSER WHEN THEY GET OLDER,

OTHERS THAT SUFFER FROM THE ABUSE MIGHT SUFFER ANXIETY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE THERE NORMAL LIVES AGAIN.”

– DANIEL ARMSTRONG

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If you wish to have what you want in life you must Focus on the Dream, if you focus on the pain and fear you will only want to scream! by Rebecca J. Burns www.the-laststraw.com
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Long term domestic violence: Being abused in this manner is like being kidnapped and tortured for ransom but you will never have enough to pay off the kidnapper. by Rebecca J. Burns … www.the-laststraw.com

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Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to Pinterest I go!

When I first wrote this post around 3 years ago I had just recently learned about the power of Pinterest. It was months after hearing the name before I finally decided to check out what all the excitement was about. Well here we are, maybe 3 or more years later. At first I was interested in what the site had to offer me in the way of marketing as it was discussed in a seminar for business and after watching a video on how to set things up, I was off and running like a kid in a candy store.

I set up a few boards and began pinning things that I liked, that is where the addiction began.

I am not here to teach you how to use Pinterest, there are many qualified people out there to help you with that, I am just writing to share how this can be used to de-stress, relieve some anxiety and just have fun. If you are looking for a pro to help you use Pinterest for your business I highly recommend Melyssa Griffin, she is my go to lady, check her out at (this is not an affiliate, just honest to goodness referral) http://www.melyssagriffin.com

Who_Knew_you_could_relieve_stress_anxiety_Pinterest_larger

A few weeks, maybe even months later, after work one night I found myself sitting at my desk, wanting to do something but not really anything before going to bed. I picked up my tablet and my eyes were drawn to the Pinterest app I loaded a few months ago, before I knew it over an hour had gone by and I felt happy and relaxed. Most nights I struggle to unwind at the end of my work day, especially since I am at the computer most of that time. Tonight, after an hour or so pinning stuff I loved I was not only relaxed but had a sense of contentment before going to bed.

I believe that part of the lure was that there wasn’t much thinking or commitment involved, all I had to do was scroll photos and pin them to my boards, it was like shopping without spending any money, plus I didn’t have the guilt of just surfing with nothing to show for it as I now had all this great content and pictures to look back at later. After some pinning I went back and viewed my boards, this inspired me even more. It was pretty cool to realize in that moment how powerful Pinterest was for many reasons.

I work late hours some nights and to unwind I would normally put on tv and watch anything just to kill some time until I was tired and then it happened again, after work one night instead of closing my computer I went to Pinterest, that was it, I was hooked. It was then that I realized, this was not about marketing or learning how to use it, it was just about the sheer fun. I would later find that along with my sincere love of Pinterest and learning how to use it to market and brand my writing, I was in love.

I was juiced, I began shopping for my dream home and clothing and hairstyles that looked like my wannabe style. Then, being a boot loving girl I had to create a board just for boots and of course one just for black jackets. Another thing I love is that you can set up private boards that are not posted anywhere like the one I did for my dream body and sexy outfits, just for me.

I would soon realize my pinning filled that void that shopping can fill.

Granted it wasn’t the same but how many times have you window shopped? Most times I had to force myself to stop pinning, almost like real shopping. I knew that this amazing visual search engine would help you as I laid in bed that night writing this out in my head. I know there is always something new out there but I suggest you give this one a try, you can use it to promote your business, create vision boards, stay up to date on current trends or window shop until you drop without spending a dime.

If you are looking for a cool way to get to know your kids better in the future I will share how and why I let my 13 year old daughter set up her own Pinterest, yes, they need to be 13 to set up an account. I did not do this on a whim, I had learned the benefits are big, especially since she considers it her social media since she is not on anything else.

Allowing her to learn and use Pinterest from the ground up has helped fill her need for social media for now. As a bonus she is unschooled and this has been an amazing resources for her to learn from and there is nothing more bonding than seeing that we like some of the same pictures on our boards.

Who_Knew_you_could_relieve_stress_anxiety_Pinterest

To wrap this up, I initially wrote this post a few years ago and am happy to report, I am still in love and think this is the kind of love that will last a lifetime, I go here to unwind, change my mood and focus, learn and read and yes, just the sheer fun of pinning!

If you have a Pinterest account look me up, I would Love to see what inspires you.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

Photo-Bigger-Tolerations

Stop Tolerating – Start Living. My favorite time of the year is the week between Christmas and the New Year, during that time I decide what my major 3 goals will be for the following year, one thing I strive to do is have them all written down and set in Stone by New Years day or that week at the latest, by set in stone I mean they have been written in my goal journal and entered into a Power Point that I update yearly and as my goals change, posted on the bathroom mirror and written somewhere so that I see them from my bed.

Yes, I have a PowerPoint for my goals, even though I am not an A type personality I find that if something isn’t visual, I will forget to look at it and with goals, we all know we must look at them often.

Finding a way that will keep you focused on your goals is important so find something that works for you. This post contains several things that I do and have done in the past to keep me focused, my goal and hope is that one or more work for you.

I started writing down my goals down over 20 years ago, thanks to my younger sister who knew exactly what I needed to move on after my husband had been removed from my home. I was suddenly free from a man that I begged God to free me from for many years and now I sat alone with my four year old son and I was clueless on what to do next.

Tolerations_Goal_Setting

Back to the goals, I had never really heard about goals and didn’t know where to begin until my sister gave me an Anthony Robbins 30 day program to get my life back on track.

I honestly listened to each cassette tape and wrote the exercises in a notebook daily. Some days I would listen to 2 tapes as I could feel the change in my mind.

The powerful realization that I could control what I thought about was like discovering the reason for my life. It had never occurred to me that I could somehow control what I thought about and focused on.

Like many of you I had lived a life of daily, sometimes hourly survival that I never had the time to sit and reflect on what I wanted my life to someday be, I just knew what I didn’t want it to be. Setting long term goals was the furthest thing from my mind. I was happy when the first thing that I was asked to do was to write down a list of what I would no longer tolerate, so that is where I would like you to begin today if you have never set any goals.

Take out a sheet of paper or open your computer or print out this Toleration_List_Worksheet and write the things that you will no longer tolerate from this day going forward, write until you have completely emptied out your head. Way back when I first started I wrote things like, no more anxiety attacks, never letting my husband back into my life, no longer being afraid to sleep in my bed. Since I was not yet ready to focus on a long term goal, deciding what I would no longer tolerate was something that I felt I was able to control. This is like baby steps for taking back control of your life.

Next, go through the sheet of toleration’s and pick the top 3 that must happen in order for your life to move forward. Save the others for another time, when you have removed the first three. Then write out the top 3 toleration’s on the top of a page as your top 3 goals. Underneath each one write why you will no longer tolerate this item, be clear on how if they are removed your life will change, Clarity is King. Finally, write what you will do to remove this toleration from your life.

For example, I knew that I needed and wanted to stop having anxiety attacks as I brought most of them on myself. I would continue to play the same record repeatedly in my head until I was unable to function.

By removing this from my life I would be able to take control of my life better.

I made a plan that I would allow my self to the count of 5 to dwell on something that upset me, then I had to stop thinking about it. I know that sounds silly, but after a few weeks at this it seemed to work, not always but most times I succeeded on changing the record in my head.

To help others that are trying to set goals, please share what 3 top toleration’s you will remove from your life starting today. For me, in the year 2018, my toleration’s are: no more chunks of wasted down time, I will make sure this doesn’t happen as I will consistently plan my 15 Minutes to Thrive where I write out what I will spend at least 15 minutes on each day that week to reach my goal.  I will no longer tolerate not being in peak health at 53 and I will no longer tolerate working for someone else. This helped me create my top 3 goals, for some of you there may be no need to create a list of tolerations, you may now with certainty what your top 3 goals are, great, have at it.

Decide today, will you tolerate and waste another day of your life by allowing things you don’t want to continue or will you remove that toleration from your life today? Please share your toleration list to inspire others.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

 

Do you suffer with the anxiety of wanting something so much that you yearn and crave to be doing it every minute of every day?

I do. I admit that I am a writer wanabee. I think about writing, I fall to sleep at night thinking about writing, I talk about writing; sadly, the only thing that I don’t do is actually write on a consistent basis.

Are_Your_A_Wannabee_Procrastinating_Dreamer

Are you a Wannabee Procrastinating Dreamer?

This procrastination doesn’t affect anyone but good old me. One of my biggest fears in life was growing old alone, which doesn’t seem something that I need to worry about anymore since I have been blessed to meet the man of my dreams, but not writing is something that is allowing my life’s dream to slip away, one unwritten page and word at a time.

What do you go to bed wishing you had done?

Do you want to paint, write, read, discover new recipes, do crafts, sing or become a pole dancer?

No matter what it is the fact that you keep thinking about it means that you either have to let the dream go, or face it head on and buy the damn pole already.

If you could see me you would laugh, I am writing on my laptop, my new Toshiba tablet sits charging next to me and my new do everything phone that I can even type on sits to my side. I have a notebook in my pocketbook at all times and a pad of paper near my bed. There is also a small tape recorder in my pocketbook so that if a song or writing idea comes into my head I can get it recorded. The only thing that I am lacking is the persistence that is needed to make my writing dreams come true.

My dream is to actually write. Sure having books published and being on a best seller list would be free icing on the cake, but not the real reason that I yearn and burn to write daily. For me writing is like putting my soul out there for everyone else to see. Baring your soul can be difficult for most women.

Are_you_a_Wannabee_Procrastinatin_Dreamer

I am far from being a perfectionist but there is something about allowing others to read my writing that keeps the thoughts held back in my head at times. I get such a great response to my soul baring writings but at times I have to wonder, who cares about what you are writing about Rebecca?

Is it just you?

Then tonight I smarten up and think, so what, even if something is just for me, shouldn’t I do it anyway?

When I write to you it is not just to share my needs but to encourage you to share and pursue your own dreams and wants.

I had read a quote somewhere that said you must have a goal at all times to lead a really fulfilling life.

The quote didn’t go exactly like that but the meaning is that you should always have something in your life worth working hard at, once you reach it, you set another one. Most times we want something so bad that when we get it we are disappointed that we are not fulfilled. The key is to have multiple goals so that you are never without one.

What goals have you set for yourself today?

Are_Your_A_Wannabee_Procrastinating_Dreamer

Are you a Wannabee Procrastinating Dreamer?

What are you committed to doing to bare your soul? I have committed to sharing these thoughts with you which brings me one step closer to my dreams.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

Over the last few years I have discovered that if I put certain things in place as rituals I didn’t stay in my self-induced funk as long as I had in the past. Man was I dedicated, I could make a funk last for days, and even weeks if I tried or rather didn’t try.

Anyway, one of the best rituals I have been doing for the past year or so has been listening to Joyce Meyers within the first 30 minutes that I am awake most days. While I don’t do this every single day, I find that on the days I do, I have more clarity, energy and focus and am less likely to let the little things bother me.

Joyce often reminds me that it isn’t what happens to me that is important, but rather how I react to those things.

I can’t count how many times I have been struggling and then listen it seems I somehow without thinking, reach out to listen to Joyce. I always feel that she is speaking directly to me about the things I am struggling with in that very moment. To me this is just amazing.

The experience I am sharing with you today took place close to 2 years ago but still feels relevant enough to share.  On this day, my thoughts seemed to stay stuck on some of the things she had said, she made me realize I had lost about a hundred pounds in the last week, obviously I don’t mean physical weight loss but for me, this loss meant even more as I had been carrying around enough mental weight to stop my heart, it was hard to breathe let alone move about my daily life with any type of happiness.

The invisible weight I had sitting on my heart and soul for the last 20 plus years was killing me, day by day, breath by breath.

Up until recently the fact that those within my inner circle were being hit with shrapnel from my self-inflicted abuse never seemed to stop me. While I knew for a long time that my daily thoughts impacted my life, I didn’t fully realize how much it was impacting the people that loved me today, loved ones that had nothing to do with the past that had damaged me do deep in my core that years later it still remained a big part of me, even if I didn’t know it.

I denied this to myself as I didn’t want to admit that I still feared the dark figure lurking in the shadows.

I find it ludicrous when someone whose life has never been touched by abuse says things like, “why doesn’t she just leave, “ or has the mindset that once someone is out of the immediate abuse they are now suddenly safe and should no longer either talk of the abuse or feel frightened in anyway. If only that were true I would shout it from the tree tops.

Someone wrote, “invisible fear,” for a reason, that is what the aftermath has in store, a fear that is all too real, invisible or not. For me personally this invisible fear has kept me trapped for just as many years as the initial physically, verbal and emotional abuse did.

To survive I was pushed to a survival way of thinking, my mind was always on guard.

My_Dramati_Mental_Weight_Loss_Mental_Stress_Anxiety

For me having been physically jolted from sleep many nights with a blade to my throat and being told, “scream, no one will hear you and if they do, I will slice your throat as the police pull in.” This alone has caused me to fear the shadows and for many years, just opening the closet in that same room, years after he was gone caused me anxiety.

Enough of that, back to that day, it was hard for me to realize or rather accept that my past, the one I was trying so hard to forget, was greatly impacting not only my daily happiness but those that loved me.

While it was never intentional I often blamed those around me for my bad days, “couldn’t they see that I was barely hanging on today?” I felt they didn’t care or they never would have talked back or argued with me about having to clean their room or take a shower, then again, if I didn’t realize how much pain I was in, how on earth did I expect them know.

This was a very thought provoking and even more important thought changing week for me. I know I can’t be the only one that hears something I really need to know or do and then I push it aside and never change.

You can lead that gal to knowledge but you cannot make her think, or is that something about water and a drink!

For the past year or two I have known something was wrong but I couldn’t or wouldn’t admit it to myself of those around me, after all, what on earth did I have to be sad about, great family, work, health and love.

While I was in a happy safe place, had the man of my dreams, great job, creative outlets and friends, but I was never living in the moment, I was always highly stressed and most days I took that out by nit picking my man and my little girl. I never saw or wanted to admit the issue was me.

You know friends that must live in a state of drama all the time? These are the people I have consciously removed from my life. It was a bit of a reality check to realize that in my own home, I was the drama.

At the time of this initial draft it was just a few days from New years which is my favorite time of year and I had already set my goals the weeks before. One of my biggest goals was that I was not going to allow my then 11 year old daughter to push my buttons, I was not going to yell and get upset. New years day I did great. She continued to push my buttons but I remained very calm. This lasted a few days and I really didn’t feel better inside as I struggled not to get upset, even though I was not showing my frustration, the struggle was still with me. Then something happened, she sat next to me on the couch and asked me why I didn’t’ like her? I just about died inside.

When I asked her why she felt that way she told me I bullied her and she never felt she could do anything right. She shared how hard school was then she came home and I was on top of her from the moment she walked in. I didn’t try to explain my reaction to things, my past, my inner demons, I just hugged her and told her I was sorry and that was the last thing I had ever meant to do to her. Yes, I loved her.

I have always been honest and told her age appropriate responses to life so I knew I wanted to share enough for her to understand I was not perfect. I told her this had nothing to do with her, her mother had some things happen in her past that just seemed to make her crabby and sad some-days and when she didn’t do what I asked time after time bit frustrated me and I took it out on her. I let her know that I was learning no matter what she did, I was the adult and should never make her feel this way.

Since that talk, I am not perfect, far from it, but it really made me realize that if I do not let go of the anxiety of my past, I will never fully enjoy and appreciate what I have today. We often hear success is the best revenge and that you need to let go of some things to let more into your life, both very true for me.

The good news is that it has been close to 2 years ago since that conversation on the couch and I honestly feel this is weight off of my heart and soul. I do not nit pick at my daughter or man (as much) . I think more before I say things, I think, do I really need to say that? When asking my daughter to do things, I ask, then give her time to do them, in her time, not mine. Our home is more peaceful than it has been in years. Don’t get me wrong, it has always been a happy fun home, just that my thoughts and anxiety would creep in and spoil things now and then.

The last thing that I wanted was for this beautiful little girl to grow up thinking her mother didn’t love her or bullied her. In order for her to grow up in that safe place I knew I had to stop bullying myself.

Learning to let go of a difficult past is hard, even after you think you have let it go your reaction to things, your sadness and thoughts may still bring you back to a state you became accustomed to living to survive. It is time for this next year to go from Surviving to Thriving. My hope is that you join me!

My story and your story will help and support another person that is struggling, do you still struggle years after being away from the abuse or have you found ways to feel more in control? Sharing as you know by now is the key to moving past many things in life.

Love & Peace,

Rebecca

I just love Ted.com, I often just go there to find talks that will inspire my day.  Today I was very moved to shared a talk by Nikki Webber Allen about not suffering along in your depression.  Much of what she shares I felt too, feeling that being depressed and having what is labeled GAD, generalized anxiety disorder made me inadequate.  How was I supposed to share that and coach women?  Over the last few years I have finally accepted that this is part of me, it routed way back to when I was little and we dodged gunfire in our home, hid around corners and ran in the middle of the night.  Then, adulthood came and I learned more of life and feared my own shadow.

dealing with anxiety and depression after abuse

The point is, don’t be silent anymore, nearly everyone you meet is dealing with some form of anxiety and or/depression, some it goes quickly, for others like me, it becomes part of who I am, I just learn how to be in more control over it.

Do you have an inspiring video to share.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

 

I wrote this poem years ago and still read it daily to stay inspired and focused:

Dream Focused

Focus,
Focus,
Focus,
Look at nothing else
Put on all your blinders
Or what you want you will lose sight
Concentration is important
Even though it may not seem
If you wish to have what you want in life
You must focus on the dream
Live it
Feel it
Be it
or nothing you will have
For those without a dream in life
Wander down the path
Someday you will feel frightened
Lost and all alone
Close your eyes and search your soul
For something to pull you through
A memory
A dream
A promise of tomorrow
The fate is in store for you must first be thought by You!

 

Today I was reviewing advice online to help rebuild self-esteem after abuse and this article was to the point, don’t try to fix everything, be patient with yourself. I wanted to share the link to the article after reading this part as I have often shared the same advice:

Be patient with yourself. Think about how you’d treat a best friend who had just been through your same situation. You likely wouldn’t tell them to “get over it already.” Let yourself take as much time as you need to sort through your emotions, feel what you need to feel and slowly come back to a positive outlook on the future.

The site offers a ton of resources such as forums and groups to support you in the aftermath of abuse, for teens and adults.  My goal is to provide you with resources and this looks like a pretty good one.  To read the rest of the article click here Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem after abuse.

If you have a site that offers support or know of one please share it in the comments, we are here to help each other heal, if not, what was the point of all of this?

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

Dream_Focused_Inspirational_Poetry_children_adults

I came across this in my personal face-book feed and felt compelled to share it, our children can stop the violence.  It is worth watching to see how the future leaders respond to harming someone. The 2nd one Slap Her en Mexico with subtitles.

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