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Archive for the ‘how to heal from abuse’ Category

Photo-Bigger-Tolerations

Stop Tolerating – Start Living. My favorite time of the year is the week between Christmas and the New Year, during that time I decide what my major 3 goals will be for the following year, one thing I strive to do is have them all written down and set in Stone by New Years day or that week at the latest, by set in stone I mean they have been written in my goal journal and entered into a Power Point that I update yearly and as my goals change, posted on the bathroom mirror and written somewhere so that I see them from my bed.

Yes, I have a PowerPoint for my goals, even though I am not an A type personality I find that if something isn’t visual, I will forget to look at it and with goals, we all know we must look at them often.

Finding a way that will keep you focused on your goals is important so find something that works for you. This post contains several things that I do and have done in the past to keep me focused, my goal and hope is that one or more work for you.

I started writing down my goals down over 20 years ago, thanks to my younger sister who knew exactly what I needed to move on after my husband had been removed from my home. I was suddenly free from a man that I begged God to free me from for many years and now I sat alone with my four year old son and I was clueless on what to do next.

Tolerations_Goal_Setting

Back to the goals, I had never really heard about goals and didn’t know where to begin until my sister gave me an Anthony Robbins 30 day program to get my life back on track.

I honestly listened to each cassette tape and wrote the exercises in a notebook daily. Some days I would listen to 2 tapes as I could feel the change in my mind.

The powerful realization that I could control what I thought about was like discovering the reason for my life. It had never occurred to me that I could somehow control what I thought about and focused on.

Like many of you I had lived a life of daily, sometimes hourly survival that I never had the time to sit and reflect on what I wanted my life to someday be, I just knew what I didn’t want it to be. Setting long term goals was the furthest thing from my mind. I was happy when the first thing that I was asked to do was to write down a list of what I would no longer tolerate, so that is where I would like you to begin today if you have never set any goals.

Take out a sheet of paper or open your computer or print out this Toleration_List_Worksheet and write the things that you will no longer tolerate from this day going forward, write until you have completely emptied out your head. Way back when I first started I wrote things like, no more anxiety attacks, never letting my husband back into my life, no longer being afraid to sleep in my bed. Since I was not yet ready to focus on a long term goal, deciding what I would no longer tolerate was something that I felt I was able to control. This is like baby steps for taking back control of your life.

Next, go through the sheet of toleration’s and pick the top 3 that must happen in order for your life to move forward. Save the others for another time, when you have removed the first three. Then write out the top 3 toleration’s on the top of a page as your top 3 goals. Underneath each one write why you will no longer tolerate this item, be clear on how if they are removed your life will change, Clarity is King. Finally, write what you will do to remove this toleration from your life.

For example, I knew that I needed and wanted to stop having anxiety attacks as I brought most of them on myself. I would continue to play the same record repeatedly in my head until I was unable to function.

By removing this from my life I would be able to take control of my life better.

I made a plan that I would allow my self to the count of 5 to dwell on something that upset me, then I had to stop thinking about it. I know that sounds silly, but after a few weeks at this it seemed to work, not always but most times I succeeded on changing the record in my head.

To help others that are trying to set goals, please share what 3 top toleration’s you will remove from your life starting today. For me, in the year 2018, my toleration’s are: no more chunks of wasted down time, I will make sure this doesn’t happen as I will consistently plan my 15 Minutes to Thrive where I write out what I will spend at least 15 minutes on each day that week to reach my goal.  I will no longer tolerate not being in peak health at 53 and I will no longer tolerate working for someone else. This helped me create my top 3 goals, for some of you there may be no need to create a list of tolerations, you may now with certainty what your top 3 goals are, great, have at it.

Decide today, will you tolerate and waste another day of your life by allowing things you don’t want to continue or will you remove that toleration from your life today? Please share your toleration list to inspire others.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

 

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I wrote this poem years ago and still read it daily to stay inspired and focused:

Dream Focused

Focus,
Focus,
Focus,
Look at nothing else
Put on all your blinders
Or what you want you will lose sight
Concentration is important
Even though it may not seem
If you wish to have what you want in life
You must focus on the dream
Live it
Feel it
Be it
or nothing you will have
For those without a dream in life
Wander down the path
Someday you will feel frightened
Lost and all alone
Close your eyes and search your soul
For something to pull you through
A memory
A dream
A promise of tomorrow
The fate is in store for you must first be thought by You!

 

Today I was reviewing advice online to help rebuild self-esteem after abuse and this article was to the point, don’t try to fix everything, be patient with yourself. I wanted to share the link to the article after reading this part as I have often shared the same advice:

Be patient with yourself. Think about how you’d treat a best friend who had just been through your same situation. You likely wouldn’t tell them to “get over it already.” Let yourself take as much time as you need to sort through your emotions, feel what you need to feel and slowly come back to a positive outlook on the future.

The site offers a ton of resources such as forums and groups to support you in the aftermath of abuse, for teens and adults.  My goal is to provide you with resources and this looks like a pretty good one.  To read the rest of the article click here Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem after abuse.

If you have a site that offers support or know of one please share it in the comments, we are here to help each other heal, if not, what was the point of all of this?

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

Dream_Focused_Inspirational_Poetry_children_adults

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I always love when I open the right book at the right time or turn on the TV and one of my favorites things in on.  Well, something like that happened today but I wasn’t even looking.  I love that I can cast Youtube from my phone to my bedroom tv, well today I was doing some work on the computer and I wanted to watch some videos about the stuff I love, blogging, marketing, stuff like that, nothing special, but this filled the silence without having to put on music.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my silence but when doing some tasks, this helps.

After watching a video about blogging suddenly one started to play that I think was titled, The best speech ever, secret to self motivation. It talks about the 5 second rule and no, not the one where if you drop that piece of candy on the floor you can pick it up within 5 seconds, if no one saw you, maybe you have 10.

You_have_5_seconds_to_change_your_life

This was about how motivation rarely works but counting down from 5, 4. 3. 2. 1 can and does all over the world.  I had watched something about this earlier in the year and had implemented it, but then like some habits, I just stopped, but it had been working.

It was like my mojo knew I needed this 5 second rule reminder. Now writing this it reminded me that I used this method when I never heard of as I dealt with major anxiety attacks in the past, I would allow my self 5 seconds to change my thoughts, it always worked. Tips to survive an anxiety attack

Please share below if you have used this countdown method to stop anxiety or improve areas of your life. Normally the simple things we feel won’t work.

I strongly encourage you to watch this video, it may be just what you needed to snap into action for things in your life, this will apply to every single area of your life.  The link is below and I embedded the video so you can save another second, and you better know I am counting down, if you do not click the link to watch withing 5 seconds, you never will.

5 seconds to change your life – best speech ever

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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Full of Self Esteem

Full of Self Esteem

Hello Beautiful Ladies, Gents Girls and Boys,

This post is for all of you.  The photo above is when my daughter was younger, maybe 5 years old, she was full of confidence and knew she was beautiful, really, she would tell us this all the time and you had to pull her away from any mirror.  Sadly, now that she is about to turn 10, things have changed.

I was watching a talk on www.ted.com, one of my favorites places to learn and educate myself, check it out.  Today I watched a talk given by Meaghan Ramsey, it was about the self esteem and self image of our youth.  It reminded us of when we were little and would kiss our reflection in the mirror.  We loved how we looked, even with red cheeks, drool running down our face  and chubby little legs.  As we age, suddenly we never look good enough and we base how we feel on how others say we look.

This talk hit home for me because just last night my daughter told me with such excitement, “no one has picked on me at school since Monday.”  It was Wednesday.  She has been dealing with low key as I call it normal mean kids at school.  She is almost ten.  She had long hair and really wanted it cut to her shoulders recently.  After months of begging me as I loved her long hair, we let her get it cut.  She was so excited because as a benefit she found out her hair was long enough to donate it to locks of love so that a little girl or boy could have the joy of hair.

She got ready for school the next day, looking a few years older and super confident.  She bounced her new look as she headed off to school.  When I picked her up that day, she was another little girl.  When her sad little face got in the backseat I asked her what was wrong.  She told me that all day long she was picked on and told she looked ugly and that she looked like a boy.  Even her closest friends made fun of her.  My heart just sank for her.

I was always trying my best to teach her it was how she felt about her self that mattered, not the kids in school.  That is easy to say but when your child is devastated as she was, none of that matters.  I consoled her on the way home, empathizing with her feelings and weaving in the reminder that she loved her hair that morning, that she looked older and was always beautiful and that she was deciding how to feel, they were not making her feel that way.  I reminded her that only mean people would make fun of someone because of how they looked and that she was not that type of person and that made her more beautiful than any of them.

By the time we got home she was more confident, as we walked in the house, she was swinging are arms back and forth as we held hands, now swinging her hair back and forth because she loved how it felt, she said to me that those kids didn’t matter, she loved her new hair and they were just mean. This made me happy that she was able to bounce back.

The next few days the mean comments continued, I know in the moment they upset her, but her self esteem was something we worked on at home so she was able to handle it better each time.  She was learning the more she ignored them and continued to swing her hair and smile they seemed to lose interest in picking on her.

I let her know that people will pick on her the rest of her life, not everyone will like her and she will not like everyone.  I let her know that what was most important was how she felt about herself and how she chose to treat others.

This is an ongoing teaching for our children.  We can’t talk about self esteem just one time, it is like doing the math homework we hate or forcing them to read, we must address how others make them feel and how they feel about themselves daily to ensure they grow into confident adults.  It reminds me that she learns from what I say and do too.  I try to look my best and she tells me I am beautiful often, but I am sure she hears comments about my aging face or the fact that I need to drop a few pounds, but we need to be careful of how we model how we look and feel for them.

I did not grow up with the same message as she did, I was the ugly little girl with skinny legs, mad curly hair, I was picked on all the time, as an adult I did not realize the impact that must have had on myself esteem.  This would impact my life as I did not have real confidence in me until late thirties.  When I met my husband, the fact that he thought I was beautiful was enough, then when he beat me down later iwth how ugly, fat and useless I was and that no one would ever want to be with me but him, I was fully brainwashed.  I truly felt that what he said was true.  It took years before I could look at myself in the mirror and not turn away quickly. To read an older post I wrote about being able to see yourself in the mirror after abuse check out this link or search the site (mirror) http://wp.me/p1giU-9y

How do you help your children to be confident to deal with how others may perceive them?  Are you focusing on the entire child?  Imagine if we all looked the same, we could be judged on what we did, how we acted.  It should be this way.  If you teach your children to think this way, they won’t pick on others and they will focus on who they are, not how they look.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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