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Full of Self Esteem

Full of Self Esteem

Hello Beautiful Ladies, Gents Girls and Boys,

This post is for all of you.  The photo above is when my daughter was younger, maybe 5 years old, she was full of confidence and knew she was beautiful, really, she would tell us this all the time and you had to pull her away from any mirror.  Sadly, now that she is about to turn 10, things have changed.

I was watching a talk on www.ted.com, one of my favorites places to learn and educate myself, check it out.  Today I watched a talk given by Meaghan Ramsey, it was about the self esteem and self image of our youth.  It reminded us of when we were little and would kiss our reflection in the mirror.  We loved how we looked, even with red cheeks, drool running down our face  and chubby little legs.  As we age, suddenly we never look good enough and we base how we feel on how others say we look.

This talk hit home for me because just last night my daughter told me with such excitement, “no one has picked on me at school since Monday.”  It was Wednesday.  She has been dealing with low key as I call it normal mean kids at school.  She is almost ten.  She had long hair and really wanted it cut to her shoulders recently.  After months of begging me as I loved her long hair, we let her get it cut.  She was so excited because as a benefit she found out her hair was long enough to donate it to locks of love so that a little girl or boy could have the joy of hair.

She got ready for school the next day, looking a few years older and super confident.  She bounced her new look as she headed off to school.  When I picked her up that day, she was another little girl.  When her sad little face got in the backseat I asked her what was wrong.  She told me that all day long she was picked on and told she looked ugly and that she looked like a boy.  Even her closest friends made fun of her.  My heart just sank for her.

I was always trying my best to teach her it was how she felt about her self that mattered, not the kids in school.  That is easy to say but when your child is devastated as she was, none of that matters.  I consoled her on the way home, empathizing with her feelings and weaving in the reminder that she loved her hair that morning, that she looked older and was always beautiful and that she was deciding how to feel, they were not making her feel that way.  I reminded her that only mean people would make fun of someone because of how they looked and that she was not that type of person and that made her more beautiful than any of them.

By the time we got home she was more confident, as we walked in the house, she was swinging are arms back and forth as we held hands, now swinging her hair back and forth because she loved how it felt, she said to me that those kids didn’t matter, she loved her new hair and they were just mean. This made me happy that she was able to bounce back.

The next few days the mean comments continued, I know in the moment they upset her, but her self esteem was something we worked on at home so she was able to handle it better each time.  She was learning the more she ignored them and continued to swing her hair and smile they seemed to lose interest in picking on her.

I let her know that people will pick on her the rest of her life, not everyone will like her and she will not like everyone.  I let her know that what was most important was how she felt about herself and how she chose to treat others.

This is an ongoing teaching for our children.  We can’t talk about self esteem just one time, it is like doing the math homework we hate or forcing them to read, we must address how others make them feel and how they feel about themselves daily to ensure they grow into confident adults.  It reminds me that she learns from what I say and do too.  I try to look my best and she tells me I am beautiful often, but I am sure she hears comments about my aging face or the fact that I need to drop a few pounds, but we need to be careful of how we model how we look and feel for them.

I did not grow up with the same message as she did, I was the ugly little girl with skinny legs, mad curly hair, I was picked on all the time, as an adult I did not realize the impact that must have had on myself esteem.  This would impact my life as I did not have real confidence in me until late thirties.  When I met my husband, the fact that he thought I was beautiful was enough, then when he beat me down later iwth how ugly, fat and useless I was and that no one would ever want to be with me but him, I was fully brainwashed.  I truly felt that what he said was true.  It took years before I could look at myself in the mirror and not turn away quickly. To read an older post I wrote about being able to see yourself in the mirror after abuse check out this link or search the site (mirror) http://wp.me/p1giU-9y

How do you help your children to be confident to deal with how others may perceive them?  Are you focusing on the entire child?  Imagine if we all looked the same, we could be judged on what we did, how we acted.  It should be this way.  If you teach your children to think this way, they won’t pick on others and they will focus on who they are, not how they look.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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For more quotes click here https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2007/08/15/quotes-about-domestic-violence/

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quote rise above storm

“Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude.” For that means that no matter how unhappy your marriage is, you can be happy as an individual –  Dale Carnegie

Are you trapped in a marriage with a man you don’t love, who doesn’t love you? Do you feel helpless, scared, and alone? These tips will help you stop feeling helpless and start making changes in your life.

The words above were taken from an article by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen.  I always love when I read something that I know will support those that come here, click to read the entire article b – http://whenlovebugsyou.com/how-to-cope-when-youre-unhappily-married/#comment-41

Have you come across an article, post or website you think will help others, send me a comment here and I would be happy to check it out and send it to readers.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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It’s funny the pressure that we place on ourselves, even for things that don’t really matter, for example, yesterday, a beautiful sunny Sunday with the windows wide open and the perfect temperature outside, I cleaned out the clutter in my dining room.  Clutter keeps me from focusing on important things as the sight of it keeps me stuck.

Granted, the big goal this year has been to De-clutter all areas of my life, home included, this project has been going in since before the holidays and I can see the improvements.  With the De-cluttering I find that I am more focused on my goals and happier overall. No, again, this stunning photo is not from my home, but don’t you feel calm just looking at it?

My dilemma, I went to bed cranky, sore and really tired last night after my day of cleaning. To make matters worse, I didn’t sleep well because my 7 year old had been promised, after days of begging, that she could sleep in our king size bed tonight.  I was thrilled that the night was tonight, especially since I knew with her in the bed it wouldn’t be a good night’s sleep for my boyfriend of I.  I am sure that this goes without too much explaining, arms flung in the face, knees in the ribs and such.

Well, I woke up pretty sore this morning and finally dragged myself out of bed, hours later than I had planned and there I sat in my usual position upon waking, heating pad on high, lined up with my spine and neck for optimal pain relief.  I have to take medication, too much of it, about an hour before getting out of bed just to get out of bed.  The point of this isn’t poor me or to complain, I just wanted you to get the picture of where my head is most mornings.

photo by D. Sharon Pruitt

photo by D. Sharon Pruitt

I had my eyes closed and was drinking a great cup of coffee, I have totally perfected morning coffee and because of this, no one else makes or enjoys the coffee unless I have made it, the trick is in the cream.  Anyway, I had read somewhere recently that you should really savor that first cup of coffee in the morning, making it a daily ritual to really spend time with yourself.  For me, until I have had that one cup of coffee I really don’t want to talk or spend time with anyone else anyways.   When I say time with yourself, I don’t mean write a to-do list, but focus on how you feel and what is important to you.

This morning I slowly drank my first cup of coffee while barely opening my eyes, I am certain my boyfriend thought that I was sleeping, but I in deep reflection mode. I found my mind drifting off to articles that I wanted to write and how much my body wanted me to stretch again on a regular basis as it improved my overall pain, and since I am about to turn 48 in a few days, the hitting 50 and feeling 100 things is creeping up on me.  I always say I have the spine of an 80 year old woman, the mind of a 30 ish gal and the sex drive of a 17 year old boy.  Actually, with the exception of the old lady spine, the rest seems to work well together.

Moving on, initially I had felt a bit stressed when I had woken because first I wasn’t feeling great and I knew that I really wanted to finish clearing the clutter from my dining area but something happened as I sipped the second cup of coffee.  This cup was sipped with my eyes open and without much effort I suddenly got up, without any plans except to move, I got dressed and put my sneakers on. After walking the dog I took my seven year old out on her bike.  I put on my little mp3 player with all of my favorite songs that I hadn’t listened to in months and headed off for a bit of a power walk, something that I love to do but never do anymore, clutter and other agendas always seem to win my time.

photo by guigo

photo by guigo

Five minutes out the door, the fresh air in my lungs, my daughter singing and happy riding in front of me and a spring in my step, I felt empowered and focused, something that is so important to me and I realized today, must be fought for every minute.  For the past 20 or so years I have been a goal orientated woman, focused at times, would lose focus but always managed to eventually get back to where I wanted to be at that time.  The last few years, I noticed that it takes me longer to realize that I am not doing what I want to do, as if it suddenly I was angry at myself for placing the importance of the rituals that I used to do as they always pulled me out of a slump which benefited those around me because I wasn’t in as much pain and I was happier as I had really done something just for me.

So, after the walk, I sit here, writing to you.  The most important thing on my mind most days is writing, how much I love to do it, need to do and it want to do it, but like many of you, I don’t do what it is that my soul wants the most.

At times I find myself blaming others, my boyfriend wants to watch a movie or my daughter needs my attention or my son and daughter in law need something. Those of you that receive updates of the post here know that this past week I have been focused on removing toleration’s and setting weekly bursts of the 21 day challenge, well my challenge was to post here daily, well the other night I was almost talked out of writing because my family guilt me as I opened my laptop, saying that I was taking away from my family as they wanted to watch a Disney movie, something that I really wasn’t excited about.  I had begun by telling them it would only take me about 15 minutes to post, but their reaction caused me to shut my computer and give in. I finally posted but my point is that we can’t let others take from us what we really want to do.  We can’t please everyone for will never please ourselves.

Today, as I sit here writing I realize that it is totally my issue that I allow little pressures from others to take away from my goals and commitments to myself.  I am the one that decides how I will feel inside, just because someone tries to make me feel bad doesn’t mean I need to.  I have decided today to just politely respond, this is something I had already committed myself to do, the rest will have to wait.

You are important, if you don’t make time for you and your goals and dreams, no one else will either.  Surround yourself with those that support you.  I am grateful that I have others around me that support what I do (most of the time), I am the one that needs to get that old lady backbone to pull some of her own weight so to speak.  After all, my boyfriend went and made this great desk that I am sitting at typing to you know because he knew that trying to type sitting in a recliner in our living room or a kitchen chair was really bothering my back and with the rest of the family around I was never able to focus on writing much of anything.  So, here I sit, posting to you completed for the day, stretched, happy, self centered and doing what I really wanted to do today, write.

Yes, the dining area still has clutter to be cleared, but it doesn’t have the deadline or guilt that it had on me yesterday.  It will be there when I am done writing sadly, but the good news is that when I finally do decide to clear the clutter it will be when I decide to, no one else.

My plans for now are to post here and work on that book that I have been writing since like forever, seriously.

My advice today is, really enjoy that first cup of coffee tea or beverage of choice each morning and make that time an inspiring ritual. Don’t pull out your blackberry or computer and start planning the day, plan your head first.  What do you really want out of the day, what is your soul yearning to do?  Nothing else in the end really matters so nourish your soul so that you are better able to nourish the souls of those around you.

Share what secret passions that you are working on with us and let us know how you handle the interruptions and agendas of others as this is a struggle for all of us.  Knowing that others are taking the time to feed their own souls helps us as women to not feel so guilty for taking time for ourselves. Now stop reading and put your energy on your commitments, if you haven’t set any for the challenge yet, get going. What you want out of life is possible.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

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