I wrote this poem six months ago when someone pointed out that our first real relationship sets the tone for future relationships…it made me think of my first relationship at the age of 15 which lasted 3 years…and this person sadly lingered for an additional 3 years in my life on and off…I was searching for somewhere to share it and came across this site…I hope it helps someone…
Abuse and lies…no more…I am worth it!
by Luz Barbosa
http://luzestela.tumblr.com/
http://luzestela.tumblr.com/
he tells me not to look that way
he tells me not to dress that way
he tells me not to talk that way
he tells me not to act that way
he smacks me
he tells me I better shut up or else
he tells me I am worthless
he tells me my no’s are meaningless
he doesn’t care that I don’t want to or that I am crying
he tells me he loves me
he tells me I am his and I will always be, that he owns me
he tells me no one will ever love me like he does
he tells me I am stupid
he tells me I am a hoe
he tells me he will kill me
he sucks the life out of me
I finally had enough
I could not continue to live this way
I realized these were all lies
I decided this behavior was unacceptable
I finally got out
I was young
I didn’t know any better
I kept it to myself
I was ashamed
I lived in fear
I refuse to be controlled
I refuse be abused
I refuse to end up dead
I deserve to be safe
I deserve respect
I deserve to be loved
I deserve to be happy
I deserve to be free to be me
I deserve to be treated well
I am worth it!
Maegan,
Thanks for posting, what do you mean up until a month ago?
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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that is everything that i felt for the last 5 years up until a month ago
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I like the poem above. So true.
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To Notsure
Wow, your situation sounds similar to mine. Years ago I met my husband(i will call him Ben) while attending high school. I did not realize he was following me back then. Before we even dated I was talking to a boy ( I will call him Mark) in school we clicked and I was friends with him. Ben before we were dating told me to stop talking to Mark. At first I did not listen to him. then he would repeat it and become angry. So i listen to him and pulled away from Mark. Somewhere before Ben and I started dating I fell for him. Before I even finished the year in school Ben asked me to marry him. I flipped because I still had high school to go yet. Then he calmed me down and said it was just a promise ring. To make this story shorter I will tell you I was married to Ben for 20 years and had been a couple for 23 years. They were a roller coaster ride of emotions I could not express at the time. The best things that came out of the marriage are my 2 wonderful children. Being married to Jeckel and Hyde personality is not fun and trying to find my way out of the marriage for a long time. The last draw was when Ben drugged and raped me. Before that rape I had found Mark online and started to chat with him. Nothing to really say hey they were a couple. At first when Ben found out about Mark and the other old friends I was talking to online he was not mad. I thought that was strange because he told me not to talk to Mark. I felt my husband was hiding something from me. I know what it is now it was the rape I was not aware of. And maybe something else. The day I left he got mad because I got happy news from a friend. He was so mad he turned beet red. He scared his 20 year old son and I. I thought what is wrong with this picture should he not be happy because his wife is? That night I had to sneak out while he slept in order to free myself and the kids from his bounds. I was a mess. This happen in August 2010 my children and I are happier now that he is not in our lives. We do have a road of healing to do.
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Yall are nuts! Sane people don’t act that way. Sane people don’t point guns at other people. Only military soldiers do that to enemy soldiers. Crazy people make the people they are with crazy. They always will. You can not fix crazy people. They can not change no matter what you do or say…..no matter how long you try or how patient you are. If you want to be crazy…….stay with a crazy person. They won’t change……ever!
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[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Pixel Project Team, Phil Donnelly-Rooney, Child Abuse Monument, OpenClaspTheatreCo, Raebaby and others. Raebaby said: RT @PixelProject: Abuse and lies no more… I am worth it. A beautiful poem by Luz Barbosa. http://bit.ly/cYQql9 […]
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Dear Not sure,
What is it that you are not sure about? That you are in a bad situation? You are. I encourage you to read your post a few more times. From an outsider, I would say that you need sometime to yourself to figure out what you want. No man wants to know that his mate desires another man. Even with that it sounds like you are not happy with your husband at all. The fact that he has made any threat, especially with a gun that he owns, that is enough to run, now. It may be too late if you wait until another heated argument and he pulls the gun on you. I know that you don’t want your marriage to fail, but…. has it not yet? Any man that threatens to kill you, doesn’t matter what you have done, other than threaten the same, something just is not right.
You both need a breather from each other. I would stay away from the friend until you are away from your husband. Even with that said, I would take time for just you to know what you want in life. Don’t let a man decide that.
Let us know what we can do to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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hello,
I have been told that I am treated badly by my husband. He used to say things that would hurt my feelings all the time. Whenever we argue he gets really hatefull but I don’t just take it I get hateful back. We have never physically hurt each other. Sometimes I feel guilty because I have had feelings for someone else for a really long time but this person is married and I would not cross that line. This other person and I have always been really good friends. Well I started talking to this person on a friendly level and all the old feelings came back up. I could always talk to this person and trusted him fully. My husband really didn’t like me talking to him but didn’t say much at first. Then he started talking to his ex-girlfriends. Well it got to the point that I didn’t care that he was talking to his ex’s. My emotions have been running on high and it was getting too much to handle. I prayed about it and asked god to help me be strong and do what I needed to do. So I told my husband that I felt like this horrible person because I was having feelings for someone else even though I never acted upon it but I needed to be honest. We got into a big fight. He was so mad. He has a gun carrying permit and normally has his gun with him. We were in the car and he kept calling me a liar and that I was no better than his ex. At one point he reached for his gun but he had left it at house. I was scared. We got home and he wanted me to break off all ties with my friend. Even though I didn’t want to I did because I didn’t want my marriage to fail. I called my friend and he didn’t answer. My husband told me to text him. While we were waiting my husband said I should blow both our heads off. Then he looked up and said god I am sorry I shouldn’t have said that I wouldn’t do that to my kids. Later he asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I told him my fears with what he said about blowing our heads off. He told me that if I wanted people to feel sorry for me to go ahead and tell whoever. My friend called back and I have cut all ties to him. I read an article about a girl who tried to break it off with her boyfriend and he shot and killed her and himself. Every since that day I ask myself am I really in a bad situation. I read about emotional and verbal abuse and can answer yes to more than half of the questions. It was even like that before I started talking to my male friend. I just dont want to acuse someone of something falsely. Then I think that I put myself in that situation so how did I expect for him to react.
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Hello Tricia,
I was happy to read your post, I am so glad to hear that you are happy and moved past the abuse that happened to you. You will inspire many, I am glad that htis post helped you to see that you were never alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Its just like my first relationship. I was 15 and mine lasted for 6 years also. The difference with mine is meand my ex had a child together. It made it even worse cause my daughter was treated like crap also. I Finally realized that I am worth something more than just someones play toy. I am now engaged to a wonderfum man who my daughter adores. Im extremely happynow that i got away. I just wish that other women could be as lucky as we are to get away. It breaks my heart to see the women killed by abusive men. Im just glad someone can relate with me so well
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Hello livingwiththepain! thank you for your words. it is sad that it was my first “real relationship” but it has made me the person I am today and as the quote goes ““What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – this did just that. Actually abuse for me started earlier than that in life and I’ve come to realize that this is the reason why it was easy and okay to accept an abusive relationship and to deal with an abuser. I like you also allowed myself to experience a string of abuse but I realize that throughout the years I had less and less tolerance for it and would get myself out faster and faster. I do not tolerate it at all now and am glad that you have done the same…Enough is Enough is right! I am glad that you are aware and will make better choices for yourself…I am also trying to do the same. I wish you the best always.
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I am sorry that you had to experience this with your first relationship. After reading the caption at the top, I realized how true that can be! With me my first experience was the wonderful and “what were you thinking” when we parted but my second relationship had definitely paved the road for the string of abuse I allowed myself to experience before I said ENOUGH! Ufortunately, I did not realize what I was letting myself go through each and everytime. I know now and will not make the same mistake again.
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