My goal in creating this blog is to provide a safe place to fall for anyone who has been touched by violence of any kind.
I strive is to inform, empower, empathize, motivate and inspire you to demand more of you and those around you to stop abuse of any kind.
I knew this site was needed when one day Tara posted, “I came across this site while looking for quotes about abuse. I just want to say it is a great site for people who have been in abusive relationships and need either courage to leave or support if you have been or are in an abusive relationship.”
My heart melted as this has been my goal all along.
Please link to this supportive blog to help others like Tara find the encouragement and community they need at this most difficult time we all have shared. Let’s work together using our words and blog posts to show those that feel alone that they are never really alone, we are always here for them.
We understand, we have been there and we really care.
For your safety anyone can read the blog and post. I will never email you directly.
If you are in a place to move towards your future by setting goals and rituals to be successful, check out my new site at www.ReBeccaBurns.com for tools and resources to promote your #1 business – YOU!
I am a writer, dreamer and true believer that you change your life by changing your focus. My passion is helping those who never thought of setting goals to realize that by doing so, there is a dream inside them yearning to be discovered. With 54 years of life experience, 24 + years creative writing, marketing, coaching and goal setting, I live to inspire others to create the life of their dreams.
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Hotline.
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Dearest Rosa,
Wow, I have chills up and down my body. I can’t thank you enough for writing today. I started this blog to help you and it has. That alone has made all the efforts worthwhile. I love that you found the strength to leave, I appreciate the way you did it too. Some women, as you said in the beginning, neber imaged they would have the strength to leave, you found the tools to give you the strength to leave. It took you years but you did it. Some stay becuase they feel they will never be strong enough.
Sharing today will give another woman the strength to find the ways to leave. I am so proud of you and know that amazing things are in store for you. You are teaching your children to demand more in life.
I feel blessed to have been able to assist you in any small way to find the strength to leave. Stay in touch, I would love to know how you heal.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Rebecca, Several years ago I came across your website. I had just starting figuring out I was living with domestic violence. That took me some time to take in and accept. I read everything on your website and other websites. I wrote a part of my story here. There was a lot of pain in my words. I didn’t see a way out. I’d read stories of survivors and always said to myself, ‘There’s no way that can ever be me.’ I admired these women so so much but I just couldn’t see myself leaving. I was living in another country, had no family, friends, my children were young, I lived with the threat of being harmed and not ever seeing my children again. Reading what is on your website helped me identify, name, understand I wasn’t alone, relate, conclude, accept and consider options. Oftentimes, I would cry just reading what some victims and survivors share. One day I came across a book you recommended by Lundy Bancroft – “Why does he do that”. I was able to get the audio. I put it on my IPod and listened to it for almost a year and a half. I practically memorized it. That’s when i felt some strength growing inside me. Rather than feeling sad and whimpy, I started feeling empowered. The more I listened to the audio, the more I disregarded his demeaning behavior towards me. After almost 2 years, I was ANGRY at him. I literally stopped caring about his offensive comments as well as his words of love. I disregarded him almost entirely. I felt his power go way. It almost felt as if he were Samson and I’d cut his hair off. I started seeing him with eyes of pity. The book gave me that. I left him a week ago. I packed two suitcases, told my children why, got on a plane to Los Angeles and arrived at my parent’s home. My two oldest are staying there for they are in the University and can decide for themselves and my 13 year-old daughter is joining me soon. I miss them dearly right now. I miss my home with my children. I wish this would not have been necessary. I wish so many things but I also wished for so many years to get away. All I have to do is think up one single incident of those 22 years of marriage and I realize again what I great thing I have done. I never thought I would be on the other side. I never thought I would be one of those women writing to tell how I got away. The thought of leaving was inconceivable yet here I am. I am grateful to God, to my family who was always waiting for me to act so they can all surround me with support and I am grateful for your site and for having come across Lundy’s book. Thank you Rebecca… with all my heart.
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Dear Jessie,
Run, now and don’t look back. You asked for advice so I feel I must be honest in giving it. No, a man that does this is very unlikely to change. You are back in the honeymoon period, he wants you back. The biggest mistakes we make are to go back. You can fo9rgive him, you can want him to be a daddy to your kids, you can be civil. To have him back in your bed and daily life, he will hurt you, one day to the point you may die.
Read more about abuse, it happens again and again, this is all too real, the past behavior is a good indicator of the future. Focus on what you want your life to be, the life of your children, if he was meant to be, it will work out that way. I beg you to dedicate the next year of your life to just you. You are so close to it now to see clearly, you want to be loved, you want the perfect life.
It doesn’t mean that he is going to be there.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Heather,
Your post gave me actual chills, so may woman feel they can just bury what happened, be happy and move on. I was one of the blessed ones that found self help, counseling and had friends that encouraged me to talk about what happened. That is what set me free to some degree. I stated cellubite for ten years for I feared getting trapped again, not that all men would do this but I was afraid as my mother married several abusive men.
Yes, what you are going through is normal, I think self doubt is common, I often worry I am not good enough, have too many issues in my head, not the perfect woman the great man I am with deserves. He tells me, issues or not, he loves me forever.
If that is what you have, stop pushing him away. The fact he is with you is proof enough. The thing is realizing that he deserves you. We have this feeling that we shouldn’t deserve happiness, even in small amounts.
I am happy you have your mother, listen to her, the best gift you can give a mother is listening to her heartfelt advice.
My heart is with you through this journey, I hope you will post again as you have no idea how many woman that write here are in the same situation you are now, they thought better to bury what they went through and now must deal with it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear janette,
I created the site for women in abuse and just getting out, to know they are not alone, it means so much to get a post from you, letting me know this site helped. When woman hear of another woman leaving, it gives them strength that maybe they can escape too. May you have the life you dream.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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As I was looking for inspiration and uplifting DV quotes, I found your website and love it. I just removed myself from an abusive marriage and very happy that I got out of it alive and able to begin the healing process from victim to a striver. My marriage lasted two and a half years and the whole time I endured the abuse. I finally said, “no more!”. Now, I’m slowly picking up the pieces of my life. I just want to say thank you for your website and thank you to everyone that had the courage to stop the abuse because no one deserves it.
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I came across this site while searching for ways to cope with my ‘new found anxiety’ 2 years ago in June I left my abusive fiancé with 50 dollars in my pocket and a bag of clothes. I remember the final straw as a dream but I remember the entire drive and how I kept hearing motley Crüe and Carrie underwood’s version of home sweet home no matter what station I put it on. I was on my way home..back to my family that I cut my ties with…back to my home town and hopefully back to a new life that had to be waiting on the other side of the rainbow. It was the longest 2 hour drive home…my vehicle shouldn’t have been able to make the drive…but it did. The year that followed I grew from the pain…but didn’t address the abuse. I would talk about it but felt I had to protect my family from the atrocities if the relationship…I was a strong person before that man so I felt I could continue on after the fact…I kept it to myself. Then I reconnected with a childhood friend if mine who I haven’t talked to since we were just kids. I told him everything….the first one I opened up completely to…he is a breath of fresh air…we got married and he is the best husband I could have married….our relationship is great…but here in the last few weeks I’m inundated with anxiety. Scared I’m not good enough for him, scared he will fall out of love with me, scared he’s going to become an alcoholic, just worrying about everything, he gets frustrated but he holds me and helps me feel better…last week I was in my first full blown panic attack in my life. I didn’t know what was going on.,,it was the scariest feeling I’ve felt because I didn’t know why I would wake up out if the blue with that horrible if a feeling, I called my mom (she is a licensed psychologist) who knows the cliff notes version if my past abuse and she said she had been waiting in my call for some time…she gave me some advice and exercises and some phone numbers…I haven’t called the dr she referred me to yet, but the exercises help so far. What usually happens to me is I start to worry if I’m perfect enough for my husband. Then I start worrying if I’m perfect enough at work even something as stupid as if I’m good enough for my dog. I know that i am…so I keep telling myself. I still experience the anxiety…but it’s just been a few weeks. I never thought I would have this reaction this long after the day I ended my abusive relationship…some days I declare myself incapable of being loved…even if I know better, this is always where my anxiety takes me. So now here I am…almost 2 years after my ‘day of freedom’ and I’m just starting to go through my healing process. It’s strange how we cope in the worst days of our life and how it comes back to rip through you when you are starting to feel comfortable and safe. Your blog had helped me feel like I am not going crazy and find out that these feelings that are surging through me are actually quite normal….and I count my blessings every day. Thank you for this blog.
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Hello, I just wanted to say first i really love hearing all the post on here they are truly inspirational and the words mean a great deal to me. thank you for this site. second, i have just recently left a relationship of nine years. we have two amazing daughters together. the abuse was slow at first i thought i was in love a very deep intense love that i have never felt before. but he started to get controlling, first it was just simple remarks, then he would accuse me of flirting and cheating all the time. i have been yelled at spit on, called names, hit with a chain, threaten with a gun, twice, over four years, i called the cops and he was arrested. ater only being locked up for a few days he called the house crying for me and i gave in, he promised never again and nothing but good things, and i believed him. when he got out i faught all his cases with him, we moved away, but nothing changed, it only got worse. i was choked hit, punched, he threaten to kill me, then we moved again, again it was to make things better, which is was for the most part, three years it was pretty good, not perfect but good. we were both going to school and we had some money and friends. well he had friends i was not allowed any because he did not agree. then he wanted to keep me from my family. he broke things, smashed things, pulled over on a pull off in the woods in front of our children and told them there were getting a new mom, i was crying in there laps, i though i was dead for sure. after that day i new it was time to get out, but i had to do it right i knew he would never let me leave. then it escalated to an exstreame. he punched me three times, spit on me choked me, threw a cut at my head and gave me a concussion that put me in the hospital. i left for only about a week, then he talked me into going back, he has not hit me sense then, but has put me down to my children yelled and scared me enough to finally call the cops and leave. we have been split up for two months. of course he has fed me every line in the book trying to get me back, many ask me way the hell i hold on, and i cant answer that, i know i need to stay safe. he is going through therapy and counseling, he has admitted to me he was wrong, and sorry and that he will never do that again, we have hung out several times since i left and he is VERY affectionate, goes above and beyond, and i was wondering if anyone knows if people can really change? how can you tell if its real? how can i prevent myself from falling for his lies again and again? if anyone has any kind o advice i would love to here it. please anything 🙂 thank you
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You are not alone.
Thank you for such kinds words of encouragement for Kay.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Mogran,
You got it, being alone is better than being beaten nearly every day. Being alone is such a healing time too. I encourage you to stay alone as long as you can, it just makes you strong and allows the right people to come into your life.
I am so sorry for all that you went through but your courage comes through loud and clear. Getting out is so hard to do but you did it. You are an example for all the young ladies that are in the mess and don’t have the strength to get out. If you can, share how you did get out, what steps did you take?
It will take time to trust, I was alone for ten years because I was so afraid of getting in a relationship, it turning bad and not being able to get out again. When I finally stopped wanting anyone in my life and felt really good alone, it just happened, I attracted the right man.
I wish you all the best that life has in store for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi
My name is Morgan and I was in an physically, mentally, and verbally abusive relationship for three years. And like most, I was warned by previous girlfriends to stay away, but I didn’t listen. I didn’t listen because I thought wow, this guys attractive, those girls must just be crazy. The first time he hit me, I knew they were right. I felt like I was stuck in between what I knew I should do and what I wanted to do. I wanted to stay and make things better. I wanted him to see me as someone he could spend his life with. I wanted him to appreciate the things I did gor him. Three years later, things didnt change. Our last fight was so intense that he threw a chair at me and got on top of me and held me down, choking me until I really thought I was going to die.
That was the last straw for me and still to this day, I find it very hard to trust anyone, not even some of my closest friends. I have really bad insecurities and I let things like what people say or think about me affect me.
But even with those insecurities comes the courage. The courage to walk away from something that was so difficult. He was my first love and even though those feelings will always be there, his torture was not worth his love. And to this day, I have not been back with him. His abuse made me strong, strong enough to realize that even with my insecurities, being alone is better than being beaten nearly every day.
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Kay, i don’t know your personal circumstances but of you feel hopeless then that exactly what he wants. Its all about control and you are giving it all too him and he is winning. The power is in you to take it back. I have been there. I had to escape with three kids and i hadn’t told a soul it took me three years. You are searching for it or you wouldn’t have blogged. There is support out there for you whatever is happening you can be free and you are not alone xxxxxx
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Dear Kay,
That was so heartbreaking to read your comment. Hope is there even when you feel you have none left. I remember feeling how you do. There is hope, you just can’t feel it with all that you are going through.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I have no hope.
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Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for supporting Andrea and others here too. Hearing from those that have made it to the other side are what keep us all going. I am happy you are living a better life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Ive been reading this since i fiund it, thanks
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Andrea i agree woth rebecca you are stronger than you think, we all are. Ive been songle two years and each day gets easier. I dont know when ill be ready to meet someone new as im still mot ready. But i know i determined to joiny life as if not my ex partner had won. We only get one life x x
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Dear Andrea,
You are as strong or you would not have posted and shared what you did. I am strong because I decided this would never happen in my life again. It is what you do going forward that makes all the difference. Be strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Zara,
Your story is heartbreaking to say the least. Thank you for having the courage to share it and ask for help. I will do my best. First let me say how sorry I am that you and your children have endured so much. I am not sure how long you were alone from your husband to the man of your little baby and wonder how long it was. I often see woman go from one abusive man to another, I watched my mother do it most of her life. Being abused we often don’t want to be alone so we find it easy to find another man, not always a good one for us. My advice for now, be alone for as long as need be. I was alone for ten years. It sounds like forever, but I truly belive that I wouldn’t be who I am today, I strong confident woman who attracted the man of her dreams had I not remained alone and became my authentic self. I know who I am, what I want, what I will never tolerate in my life and such.
By allowing yourself to be totally without a mate you will start to realize what you will never tolerate again, a man with vodka on his breathe, I knew I never wanted to be with someone that smoked in any way, it made me sick. I wouldn’t tolerate a man that disrespected others, animals or things. I will never tolerate out of control anger and drama. Years ago, had I gone right into another relationship chances are I would have repeated many of the mistakes I had alread made. I knew that I have seen this as a child and I was determined that my son wasn’t going to live through my mistakes again.
I spent the next ten years of my life helping my son to deal with what he had seen, along with the death of his father from liver disease and heart attack. I helped him greive. I learned self help and how to move on with my life after abuse, starting this blog over 8 years ago was the biggest part of my healing.
Find what you want to do a be an go after it. The past doesn’t equal your future. You can’t change it you can only grow from it or repeat it. You have done that already, try the other, it can’t hurt. You and your children are what matter most. You can do this, look at what you have already survived.
Keep in touch and be well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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HI
I came across this site maybe by fate I dont know. Sorry for long post.
I’m 27 and I have two kids my son from a previous relationship and my daughter with my current partner, I met my son’s dad when I was 16 and stayed with him for 8 yrs. My first “relationship” my first “love”. My first HELL.
He was emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally and physically abusive, My fmaily warned me but I just didnt want to hear. This guy used to beat me up in front of my son, he left his footprint on my chest after one incident. I used to fight back but its only so much I can fight, I wanted to commit suicide, there were times when I wanted to just jump out of my bathroom window or walk away and this ass would mock me. I miscarried repeatedly. The things I endured from him I knew were extremely wrong, its only so many times when the police can keep coming to your house until I had to wake up, There’s not one incident my son didn;t witness or experience, and for that I will always feel guilty.
The last straw came when I met another guy after we had split up (as we were always on/off). Long story short he got jealous, he beat me up and I flipped, I attacked him for the first time in a long time- I just didnt care anymore; my son just told us to be quiet as he wanted to watch cartoons, (sadly my son had become desensitived to it NOT NORMAL). He was encouraging my son to hit me and thats when i strangled him. I remember sitting on top of him and he was getting turned on by my strangling him! I looked at my son and I knew then I wasnt doing it no more.
I went to the police and they arranged for me to move back to London, (I was living in Nottingham with him and his family). That day he kidnapped my son in the town centre when I was arranging my travel tickets. I spent an hour trying to locate this guy with the police’s help. Until eventually they found them in Mcd’s. My son blames me for taking him away from his dad. I had to leave. I was told by social services they would look about a protection order for my son if it happened again, however we had got to the extreme.
We lived in a refuge for 6 months, as he knew where my family were I couldnt even stay in the same part of london as my family. Sadly and stupidly after 3 months I aranged for my son to see his dad for the holidays. Stupid me as in spite of everything I still felt I had to gain his respect, which I realised I WAS NEVER GOING TO GET. He kidnapped my son again for nearly a month.
My son lived in a room with me for a year until the council gave us some form of permanent accomodation, I saw my son mentally and emotionally breaking down before my eyes, (we no longer see his dad but my son misses him deeply but he doesn’t want to know). I LOST EVERYTHING MY DIGNITY, MY SELF RESPECT, MY SELF WORTH, my house, ALL my belongings, my job, my place studying at uni for my teaching degree, I was sad, mad but eventually glad as I came away with my life.
Sadly I’ve met my current partner, who was seemingly sweet, who seriously is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He took on my son and loved him. I saw signs but I wanted to see different. Im tryIng to get over him as he lied and cheated throughout my pregnancy, I used to attack him when mad as that is what i was used to from my previous unhealthy relationship.
We split up- his kicked in my front doors, he cusses me in front of my son. he calls me hurtful, degrading names, I’m always a slut, whore, filthy bitch, ho. He apologises but does it again, We argue, split up and then his back again. I need to get my self esteem back. There are times when we’re cool but it doesnt last, this guy honestly believes that all females are bitches- yet his raising a daughter! Financially he helps me- but mentally, emotionally, verbally and now physically his breaking the little confidence that I had built up again. He tells me I’m the only one and how much he loves me and wants to marry me, of course I dont believe him- but yet I keep taking him back.
Only 14 days after my daughter was born he kicked me in my face because I wouldnt shut up. I tried to attack him and in the midst of the fighting, my baby was screaming and her moses basket nearly fell over. Yet its like I dont learn. I want to cut the contact and get on with my life. My family are aware to a degree and have warned me to fix up as it not about me- I’m a mum and I have to protect my babies, especially my son who has witnessed violence already and now his experiencing it again only with a person that’s not his dad.
Im extremely hurt now as his confessed to having sex with another girl 3 days after I had his baby. Yet he kept threatening and cussing me not to cheat on him. I know his no good, I have to do right by my son to show him that abuse is unacceptable full stop and I would die if my daughter thought that this was what “love” is.
I’m an attractive, articulate and intelligent woman, but yet I keep picking up these dogs who even on their best day would not stand a chance with me.
I’m hurting, I want me back again, I need strength, I need to get on with my life and regain back my self dignity, respect AND SELF WORTH.
Zara
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I can so relate to this!!! I wish I had your strength!!!
The folling is a poem i wrote after i left my violent husband:-
lay there in my purple room that is where i cry.
For the humiliation, and torture. And for every piece you took of me, with all your hate and lies.
But i pieced myself together and i hold my head up high.
You think you are gorgeous. But i can see the evil in your eyes, and i will never be fooled again by all your clever lies.
Together we made a precious soul, so much greater than your own. With strength and bravery i with always keep him close. So for all the pain your caused us you will never get your way. As i protect whats precious, and will always keep him safe.
Now i shut away you darkness and i walk toward the light. A brighter happy future it brings, now your the one to cry.
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Dear New Mum,
I encourage others to support new mum too, I can’t do it alone.
thanks for writing. It is so hard enough to be a new mum but then to deal with all that you re dealing with too. It is okay to want more. He won’t change, he won’t be the man you wish he would be. I stayed for I wanted my son to have his father. I remember him saying he wished he had never known his father for the damage was so bad for what he had seen. He has memories he will never be able to get rid of. I did this because stayed too long.
You know early on what will happen. No matter how old your child, they feel it. My son has memories of being 4 years old and watching me be tortured in front of him. Don’t worry of the shame on family, how do you think they will feel to know you died rather than get out or tell them.
your life is more important than anything else in this world, your baby too. One day you will be ready, just be ready before it is too late. reality is scarey.
Stay strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anne,
Forgive the long delay in responding, especially since you are in such immediate pain. I won’t lie, it is hell. Just because there are no children involved you are mourning what you wanted the life to be. No one will really understand except someone that has been in your shoes. Therapy is so important but surrounding yourself with those that you can open up to. No one that will say, get over it, move on already, he can’t hurt you. My husband was dead for ten years before my nightmares even started to go away. The fear is ingrained in your mind. It is a daily effort to get it to stop. I can say all these great suggestions but it takes constant work on your part. You decide what to focus on, you decide what old record to play. Finding ways to change the record you are playing in your head is the real key.
When you are working yourself into a good guilt trip or remembering horrible things he did to you, as soon as you realize you are keeping these thoughts fed in your head, move, take some action, get off the couch, walk, take a shower. Drink the water in the garden. Usually taking any action at all is a start. Call someone, write, by taking some action you can change the thoughts in your head. I had certain music I would play, one friend I knew I could call. At first I came online and just vented the fears. I can’t tell you what will work for you but start finding ways. The best thing for me was discovering self help and Anthony Robbins, lots of free stuff on youtube. He helped me change the record in my head. Made me realize I ws the one in control of my thoughts and how to change them.
you will get there, one day at at time. Thanks for having hte courage to write, we are here to support you the best we can. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing that, very moving. I removed your last name before posting in case you didn’t really mean to use it. If you did I will give your name credit for writing the poem. Just like to be safe. Thanks for sharing this.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Geeeeeaaaazz…I’ll pray for all of you
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The folling is a poem i wrote after i left my violent husband:-
lay there in my purple room that is where i cry.
For the humiliation, and torture. And for every piece you took of me, with all your hate and lies.
But i pieced myself together and i hold my head up high.
You think you are gorgeous. But i can see the evil in your eyes, and i will never be fooled again by all your clever lies.
Together we made a precious soul, so much greater than your own. With strength and bravery i with always keep him close. So for all the pain your caused us you will never get your way. As i protect whats precious, and will always keep him safe.
Now i shut away you darkness and i walk toward the light. A brighter happy future it brings, now your the one to cry.
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Hi, this is the first time i am writing my experience, i am in a 8 year relationship i got married 2 year ago and currently have a 4 mnth baby girl. i have been and guess still am in a emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship.
when we started dating our first year was hell he kept arguing and would mentally and emotionally break me down and make me feel crap about myself.every second night i would be crying myself to sleep because of the way he would treat me and the names he would call me
nw and then he will have his spurts of rage where he would hit me or grab me by my throat and pin me against something but he has always swore me and call me names and emotionally break me down.
it will be worse when he drinks, then he got better for a while, we got married and when i was pregnant it started again, he would call me names and swear me and even though i worked hard during my pregnancy with with house work and cleaning and cooking it would never be good enough.
then i gave birth an dthings calmed down but it seemed like he started drinking every weekend now, when i got out of the hospital he never even helped with the baby. i thought ok i am on leave let him rest as he is still working and has stress so i let him have his weekends to drink and concentrated all my attention to our baby, then things started to get worse, i would end up forcing him to start to do things like change a nappy or wake up once a night to help as i was starting work and it seems to have gotten a lot worse now, he hits me while holding the child knowing i cannot run or block or else i will drop the baby and he would grap me and slam my head against the wall and the glass on our back door and he would grab me by my throat or pull me onto the bed or drap me by my legs and argue and cuss me infront of the baby….
lately it just seems to get worse and any small thing sets him off…..
i want to leave but don’t have the strength as he says i will leave without anything including my child and i am too proud to put my family to shame going through a divorce, i don’t know what to do?
he has never hurt the baby but the fact that he does it in front of her is not ok, ok its not ok that he is doing it at all but i don’t want her growing up thinking that is the type of relationship she should be in and that its normal.
help?
from new mum
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I came across this site today and am so grateful I did. It been nearly five months since I left my x and I can’t seem to move on. I feel so low and don’t know where to turn. I’ve tried the women’s aid where I now live, and was told to have a glass of water and sit out in the garden when I became too upset on the phone. No practical help, i suspect because I am not in danger from him, as he is several hundred miles away. That does not easy the real pain I feel.
I feel so lost, depressed and really don’t see the point in me carrying on. I cry most days, and very rarely go out. I’ve lost everything, my clothes, personal belongings and furniture, as he refuses to give me them back, but claims he has moved on. Still trying to control me, or as he sees it punish me for going to the police. I’m 52, and know its even harder for me to try and start again. When I left I spent two and a half months in a refuge, which I found very upsetting, with very little practical or emotional support. After which I left there to where I now live where some of my family are. They wanted me to move back here and although some have been supportive in a financial way, they still expect me to be able to move on by now, as he’s not here. But it’s still all in my head, not a thought goes by without him in it. I am going to ask my doctor for some help someone to speak or listen to me, anyone who can help. So many aspects of my life I have lost, job, real home, clothes, money. There were no children involved. But then the guilt kicks in, It could have been much worse I know, But I still mourn what I have lost and the life I had, which didn’t start out abusive. I haven’t got angry, just very very sad, i feel completely broken.
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Dear Stafanie,
I am so happy for you, it can be hard not seeing that light at the end of the tunnel, especially with all that you have been though. I never thought my life would get better, even after abuse, the aftermath as so bad. God was all that I had, those nights when I thought I was sure to die, he was there with me so that I wouldn’t die alone. I still remember hiding my rosary as it made him jealous. We all need something to help us hold on.
May your life be filled with so much joy and happiness.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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unknown
my entire life was hell, i was controlled, manipulated, bullied, molested, oral sexed. i was living like a caged animal although i am a christian my life was hell. i know i have a beautieful loving kind loyal all around person/ soul. but to have scars told i am a worthless piece of shit ect, never having romodles positive peoplle in my live or being able to trust and love freely and spread my wings and wanting to die to get rid of my pain was a good option but then god stopped me and said look hang ing there i have good plains for u and people to enter your life for ever and there is love and hope so its woth it so i listened. im glad i did cause i have so much good going for me that i would not traid it for the world plus the fact i am goiing to be getting married. i can finaly spread my wings and fly but still manage to go through gods tests and still be me to change grow loove ect but my life’s perpous is to help others like me and stilll be me with out the negativity or hurtful people and have god bye my side is fantastic and im truly blessed. i am glad that i have positive people in my life cause friends family and other people in my life are what important to me mainly god cause he is my number one person and no one can replace him i love god he comes first before my soon to be hubby. so my lifestyle and tastes are changing and i am groing as a person and if i can help anyone along the way i will i love the feeling u get when u give back. i never judge a book bye its cover either
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Dear Flossy,
I used to think I was being punished too. So sorry to take so long to respond, site issues. I am praying that you are safe today. I remember not wanting to leave my new furnative and stuff, then one day, after he tries to kill you, the couch and tv mean shit. You are happy to get out with your life. He will not get better unless he wants to. Doesn’t sound like that is his priority though.
I had much of the same happen to me. He had been married, everything in my name. If you are dead, what does that matter? You can’t let you child live this way. There is a way out, you will find it. Anything is better than being abused this way.
I pray for you and your children.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Alynn,
Dear God, I just lost my mom a few months ago, she had been abused most of her life but died of natural causes. I can’t even imagine how you feel. I am so very sorry for your loss. She didn’t want you to know, you were her baby. Many woman hide abuse, we are ashamed and blame ourselves. Sadly, this will stay with you forever. I encourage you to get conceling this is a horrific way to lost a mother. Especially since you didn’t know what was happening. Find a support group specific to losing a loved one from abuse.
It won’t be happy days, but you won’t feel like you are going through this alone. There are many woman out there like you mother, I encourage them to leave, this post may encourage them to leave or tell someone.
The ones that are left behind suffer forever. Again, I am sorry for your loss Alynn. Sorry to take so long to respond, site issues.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Robyn,
I was happy to hear, getting help now. You have dealt with so much. So sorry for taking so long to respond, site issues. How are things today? I pray that you have found a place and feel safer now. Can you get back with your family? Support is key. I had no family with me but 2 great friends that helped me so much.
Don’t stay isolated, that is the worst thing. Find ways to help you gain strength to have the life you want. Always be safe.
Stay single for a long time if you can. Knowing what you want and what you will never tolerate again is what helps you attract the right type of man. You deserve more than that life.
Stay strong, you will make it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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The words, ‘you can scream but nobody will hear you’ still wake me up in the middle of the night…12 years later. To be stalked, to have my home broken into, and to have nobody believe me because he is a smooth talker. Then, it’s me who is ‘crazy’. I survived that one…but found another one just like it 3 years ago and the fear is here now. I can ‘feel’ him when he’s near, it makes me ill, it makes me afraid – I won’t show it. I will be strong even when I’m trembling inside. Luckily for me he’s away long term for work, and is now involved with someone else. Sadly for me, I’m in a financial situation and still dependent on the income – I say little for fear the ‘check’ won’t come in. 3 more months? Can I do this? Life is looking better now – working two jobs and saving every penny. I look everyday for a new house, patience (and a bag packed in my car – just in case). He says he’s ‘gone’, but won’t move out his belongings – checks in on the house when he’s in town (when I’m gone)…only I don’t know when he’s in town – I just ‘feel’ him and find out that yes, he has been in town. – I have been isolated from my family and friends (moved out of state where I am just not getting to know people) became so dependent on him that I lost me. I’m getting help now.
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Hello Everyone,
I stumbled on this site while searching for understanding and an outlet. I’m 32 years old, I had never known violence or fear in my life. I had a wonderful childhood filled with overwhelming love, my mom always made sure of that.
However, the last year my mom had become more and more distant. Our daily conversations became weekly and eventually bi-weekly. I knew that her and her husband of 21 years were having problems and I assumed that she was bus with that and work.
On December 22, 2011, I received a call from officers informing that they were both deceased inside the home they shared. Without reason, I blurted out “He killed my mommy.”
I was right. My mom’s life was taken by the man she had loved and cared for for so many years. Since that night I have learned so much about the hell my mom had lived in forthe last year of her life.
Why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she let me help her?
I miss my mom more everyday and I know this wound will never heal. We were only 15 years apart in age, she was the person I thought I would grow old with. I can’t imagine life without her. No should ever lose a mother, daughter, sister, grandmother to domestic violence.
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I am 19 yrs old with a 3 year old son and I’m scared to death everyday with no where to turn January of last year I went on a date with a man I have know for over ten years he is a friend of the family.I didn’t know him that well bc I was younger when he came around and had no interest well. I lost a baby in 2010 and it through me into a deep depression I started waitressing & I attended TAPP WHICH is Teen Age Preg Program and when I wasn’t working I was playing with my son and when his father had him I either worked or was at home. Being a hermit in my room. Well after months of this no friends no fun just work school and my lil man. My mom mentioned john doe and said he is cute and attractive and nice& respectful bc she knew I had been through with previous boyfriends I was scared and scarred bc I am Codependent like I said I’d never be bc I watched my mother be my whole life.long story a little shorter. I waited a few weeks and denied her idea. I was too depressed well one weekend I didn’t have my son and I was sick and tired so I said hell with it go out I got his number and called he was out he said he had a concert to go to he be more than happy to have me go. I went had an amazing time. He is a huge guy with tattoos everywhere doesn’t look nice or sweet. Very tall and stocky. (Even tattoos all over his head) it was actually hott to mw.he made me laugh and the way he looked touched and talked to me made me feel so good safe,secure bappy and love&loved. He was so gentle. Me& him hit it completely off. We hung out everyday and still do. But then he was everything in a man a woman would want he respected me to the fullest I couldn’t believe it..he has a son that is 3weeks younger than mine. He got Alto. So we had playing dates with the kids. Well me& my mother didn’t agree Alto of times so in beg. Of Feb. She hit me a few times and I called john doe crying and he picked me up and took me to this house and said he really cared about me and my son and wanted me to be somewhere where I didn’t have to deal with that he was buying a house and he wanted me& my son to move in with him. And so I did and it was great we remodeled whole house I got my taxes and put it all on pictures and house stuff everything we needed basically spent all my taxes bc I had a house and prince charming( so I thought) we have a 3 bed. House the boys room is super spoiled I bought him and my son a new cars bed so I. Bought two of everything and they’re walls matched they’re themes it’s awesome it’s cars and toy story bc one bed is cars comforter set for his and other is toy story for mine. I spent so much money and moved my bedroom suit inn and we used his bed we put all bills in my name( I’m young ,vulnerable and gullible) (basically I’m a complete idiot) everything besides the kitchen tableflat screen TVs in bedroom and living & the bed and hisclothes is mine which is Alto of stuff well about 3 months after I’m all moved in it all changes for the worst I’m being disrespected and he beat the hell outta me one morning for waking him up and.he beat me so bad I couldn’t even walk for about 2 weeks from then to now he has put his hand on me several occasions and now it’s to the point where I am being abused daily emotionally mentally& sometimes physically which the emotional part is the worst he curses me calls me names and I just beg for him to stop he quit getting his son that was all a thing to reel me in and make me fall in love with this fake person. I beg him daily for him to go back to the man I fell in love with. I cry and walk on egg shells everyday. I’m so lost he doesn’t ever hurt me infront of my son he never has. And he’s never hurt my son he barely speaks to him anymore he use to play with him now that’s once in a blue moon he doesn’t work and all he does is eat sleep and be mean to me or leave and run around with his friends. As far as me saying anything he tells me “bitch know your roll” and I cry and he tells me to shut the f up and I have no self esteem no say so nothing I’m just his bich I have never hit him he’s wary to big and can over power me easily plus I don’t want to make it worse on myself. He doesn’t help around the house just makes messes doesn’t help with my son. When he wants to he tells me he loves me and touches me but never loves on me any other time never supports me. Only kicks me harder while I’m down. I have no place to go and I don’t wanna give up all my things and I know I can’t tell him I’m leaving.I’m too scared. I don’t know what to do my mom has an idea but she looks over it and I can’t move back in with her bc she can’t handle the stress of a 3 yr old they’re. And the only other person I have is my aunt and she has a pit bull so I don’t want to chance her dog hurting my baby. I’ve never xalled the police bc I love him and hope he will change but I don’t think he will anymore I’m done letting him drag my heart around. But I’m scared bc everything is in my name. And I don’t want to ruin my credit. So I could go to a homeless shelter for woman why I’m the stupid one why leave everything I paid for and make my son go through that. I know my life is worth more than that but in a way I believe they’re be a perfect timing for me to pack up and leave without him knowing. Or pack Up some. In so many ways I feel like God is punishing me for something I did in 2010 so I feel like I deserve this treatment bc of my guilt. I need help can someone please tell me what I need to do. I’m scared to talk to anyone and I have no money to move and I’m looking for a job I’ve never been in trouble and I don’t use drugs. I don’t know why I can’t find one. I feel so abandoned and hopeless?…….why me.
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Dear Chilindra,
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am amazed that you have come so far in life with all that you have endured. You are a true inspiration. I am so proud to hear that you finally asked him to leave. I know it sucks to have to see him now, but you will show your child what a strong mother really is. Just keep focused on moving yourself forward and one day, in the not to distant future, you will feel nothing for him for his is nothing. One day you will only see him as the man that you gave you such a beautiful child.
You decide if and when to forgive, it really does help you move on.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I have been a victim of abuse since I was 8yrs old. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member, in H.S. I was abused mentally and physically by my father. When I turned 18 i was a victim of date rape and I had a child out of that incident. I kept my child because is something that no one could take from me and I could love and he could love me back. All my life I have been surrounded by abuse. I met someone who was in a relationship but I did not realize he was at the time. He was nice and kind and he decided to be with me. The abuse began. For 18 years i endured hit after hit. From a scar in my face to my arm to a shattered tibial bone (my Knee). 4 hours of surgery 5 days in the hospital and 6 months in crutches could not stop him. I was kicked by a timberland boot while i was down in my eye. In my old job i endured the embarrassment of his jealousy. It has been hell but what has kept me sane has been church. It was always my escape and to remain human. If I sit here and tell my story people would not believe. I finally had the courage to stand up to him 8 months ago and warned him to get out of my house or I would hurt him. I don’t know what he saw but he was frightened and left out of my life. I still have to deal with him because of my son. He is too attached to dad and my son just don’t understand. I meet in public places but i still hate being around him. I have no choice but I hope I can get away from him one day. I am just glad he is not part of my life.
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Anonymous,
Thank you for writing today, you will inspire many with your words. Knowing that you were in their place and are now loving life on the other side is inspiring. If you can, share with the readers what did you do to get past the issues that come in the aftermath as that is where many are now. If you don’t want to go there, we understand. Be well and thanks for sharing your happiness. Nice to hear it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I came across this site again while going thru my Email, back in January i wrote here about my ex, and how i finally ended our verbal relationship. Since then, I feel as if I have almost fully recovered. My grades improved dramatically, I am more open to talking about what happened (this helped a lot!) I want to warn other teen girls of abuse. Also, there is a new man in my life who has fixed what was broken. Being with him has taught me that I never deserved what occurred in my past relationship. He is kind and respectful, he treats me like a princess and i have never, ever, been so happy. But i want to tell everyone out there that YOU CAN GET OUT! WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU IS NOT FOREVER AND THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WILL LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU! You just need to find the strength inside you to overcome this tough situation but i promise it is not impossible, so ladies remember; you are beautiful inside and out and you ARE strong. best of luck to all of you ❤
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Stacy,
Why on earth do you care that he is happy? Is that making your life any happier? The only reason you are focused on his life is because you don’t know how to fully move on with yours. Let him be happy, who cares? At the end of the day what matters is who lives under your roof. Time you spend with what you wrote above could be spent on obtaining goals you always wanted to do, taking on a new challenge, helping others less fortunate, playing with your children, loving your mate. You are the one that gets to decide what you will or will not think about. When he pops into your mind, count to five and be done, force yourself to stop thinking of him. I know this is hard but it worked for me. Again, YOU control what thoughts you think about. Change the damn record already, unless of course, you are happy listening to the one you seem to want to keep playing.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but I say it as I see it. I am honest and real, You are holding yourself back. you could be doing amazing things, be angry, be pissed, but then deal with it and find more in your life. This can’t be what you want it to be. You have more than so many wish to have. Don’t let it all slip away because of thoughts of someone you hate and hurt you.
I pray that you wake up and smell the coffee, coffee brewed in the day you are in now, with the people that love you now.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Stacy,
Wow, you poured so much into that one comment. It is a lot for even me to take in. I do understand it though. I was so proud to hear how you walked away and went outside for air. That alone is the first step to changing your life. You decide what happens next. You are afraid of getting hurt again, until you let go of what happened to you you will never really allow those around you to love you. You may need counseling or a life coach. I work with women to learn to live in the aftermath of abuse. I don’t take on many clients as it is draining and work for both of us. You are in the situation of the women I work with, the criteria is, you must be out of the abuse, you must want a better life. I would provide phone coaching and email to help you get to the goals that we will set for you. I will always be happy to talk via the blog but keep that in mind.
You sound so much that you want to be happy, you just don’t know how to let your guard down and enjoy it. Imagine feeling like you do when you look at your daughter all the time. How do you do that, you just do. How do you want your daughter to see you? A mad, angry mom or a mom that was always laughing, playing and treating her father with love. When you love someone, you should start each day wondering, what can I do to show them that I love them and expect nothing in return. That will start you on a way to healing a relationship.
If you don’t journal I encourage you to. Self reflect, that is the best way to see where you need to change. When you feel the way that you do now it means that you are realizing that you must change. Listen to self help, read self matters by Dr. Phil, it helps you to move past the past and focus on now. Show your daughter and mostly yourself, that you deserve to be happy, now.
If you wish to contact me directly to one on one coaching email me at rebecca@rebeccaburns.com. Or continue to post her. There is a great resource of mostly women here to help you. Many thing after you are gone from abuser life will be great, not true. If you don’t get rid of the anger now, you could sabotage the life you have now. This may be your ultimate soul mate, isn’t it worth fighting for?
Hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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oh yeah, …
i feel even worse because i think the only reason some of this came up is because i found out that not only is my ex husband married, with a little boy, but he went back into the army and is doing all the things he told me i held him back from. and they seem like the perfect little family. i hate to say that because it makes it seem as if im not happy with mine. i am…but somewhere inside it hurts me because i wonder why i wasn’t enough for him to treat me the right way, or love me the way he “said” he did. i know in the end im better off without him. and i wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world, or my husband now…but somehow it still cuts my ego and my pride to know that someone else was able to calm him down….what was it about me that brought the worst in him out?
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HI, i am a 25 yr old woman (feel like a girl still mostly ) and I have been out of my abusive relationship since about April of 2006. I just found this site while i was searching for any information on the after math caused by situations such as these. I would like to write down as much as i can, simply to do it i guess. i have come to realize lately that i seem to have no emotion at all…other then anger. I am either placid, to the point of just not really caring what goes on around me, or something, or someone, trips the anger trigger and its this uncontrollable, deep down, psycho screaming rage. I have a 2 yr old, not from the abusive marriage, from the marriage I’m in now. and just recently while I was screaming at my husband, (who mind you was screaming back) I locked eyes with my child. and I instantly realized that this is NOT the person i want to be. She is such a happy go lucky child and deserves to remain that way. For that moment I just froze, and I did something I had never done before, I walked away….I walked outside and sat in the grass till I chilled out. I just stopped. No last word, no point proven, no nothing…i just clammed up and walked away. The fact that I did this may not seem like much to some, actually it may seem like a no-brainer, but in that moment I realized i was able to control myself if I really wanted to. She is my reason for it, and after that night i have been thinking a lot about why I have become like I am. Not one to blame my actions on someone else, i have had a very hard time putting things together i suppose. But in March of 2005 i married a man i barely knew. We had met in Basic Training for the Army, looking back on it now it all sounds really stupid, and it is rather embarrassing to say it out loud, and i have never told any one the whole truth to it all. After 5 months of training, where contact was non-existent obviously between males and females, we had one weekend of leave before graduation. He chose to attach himself to me, i was young and flattered. He was a gorgeous boy, blonde hair blue eyes, german, and having been a wall flower through school it was a dream that anyone like him would even take a second look at me. While I liked him just fine, apparently he had other plans. After graduation I went to my state, he to his, next thing i know he is flying to mine to propose. I didn’t know that’s what he was doing but long story short that’s what happened. about a yr and half into the marriage on the military post things started going down hill. It started (i see now) with comments about me getting out of the Army and being an at home mom. Then my clothes, then my cooking, then my fellow soldiers who i worked will all day and week, then what i ate. Then one day during an argument, he just walked over grabbed me, put his hand over my mouth and shook me. I was stunned, almost immediately after he was apologizing saying he didn’t mean it but the sound of my voice made him angry, somehow, i thought this was good enough. It progressively got worse, I found myself waking up sore because he was good at not leaving marks, but he loved to choke me. I don’t recall him ever hitting me, he just pushed and shoved and occasionally throw me on the bed or floor. he would punch walls by my face he would pick me up by my throat and shove my on the bathroom counters. I would fight back, but for some reason I would never just cut loose on him. I would picture my fist connecting with his face, then remember i loved him and just beg him to stop. His spurts only lasted for minutes at a time, but each time it seemed he got braver and tried something new. He lied constantly. He made outlandish stories up that i knew were not true and my family knew it too, but no one knew what to do. They were not aware of the situation seeing as how i lived far away. And being raised to suck it up, that’s what I did. I was ashamed enough at having married someone my dad begged me not to until i knew him better, i was scared to admit he was right. and i was even more scared of what my dad would do to him. Not so much for his sake, but for my mom and my dad’s sake. We both got out of the army and went to my parents, till we got our own place. it didn’t take long living with my sister for her to figure out what was up. But by this time i had developed such an anger, she knew better then to come to me about it, i would snap at her and tell her to go deal with her own relationship issues. finally my parents put money up to get us out of their house just because as my dad put it “he hoped with freedom, i would figure out what to do” it wan’t long after that that i did leave him. Funny thing about it was it took him threatening my sister for something to snap. I guess I thought that if it was just me then it wasn’t a big deal, but no one messes with my family. as i said before i was raised with a firm hand, not abusive, and to deal with my problems. not that I couldn’t ask for help, but my pride was my downfall. and I was also very ashamed for bringing someone like this into my family. i felt like it was my fault and i had to protect them from him, i didn’t want to choose between the two so i tried to balance. and I had a family that just backed off and supported me, never threatened me to pick, just kind of let me work it out letting me know they were there. They knew it was bad just now how bad…. thing that happened that i chalked up to “no big deal” i remember now and it makes me sick. I would wake up to him trying to have sex with me. he would play it off as foreplay. he would make me cook naked, and then want to do things with objects, it was all very sick. sex with him actually turned my stomach, but then he wanted a kid. and i thought for a second maybe he will stop with a child. i didn’t want to bring a kid into it and i tried very hard to not get pregnant, and i succeeded by the grace of God Himself. He forced me to get off of birth control, and constantly bought tests home for me to take. when they were negative he would get so angry and we would fight, he choked me until i really thought I was going to die one night because i started my period. he blamed me for not wanting it…for not trying, then he would sweet talk me into sex telling me all he wanted was a family to love him and how he never had that growing up. i felt so bad for him …. but i hated him too. Towards the end of it all, he had disappeared for 3 or 4 days no calls no nothing. i packed up and moved back with my sister to my moms. and i was decided that it was over and i wasn’t putting up with it anymore. he showed up at 3am yelling and begging me to talk to him and pleading to just listen to him. he left when i opened the front door with a double barrel shotgun. Not a moment i was proud of … but one that was necessary to get my point across. i had gone so far as to lie to him about the Dr. telling me i couldn’t have kids and that i knew he wanted them so badly i was choosing to leave so he could find someone that would give him his dream. I blamed myself for our relationship out loud to him just so he would leave me and let it all go. eventually he left and went to his home state. never heard from him agian except one time his new girl called me out of the blue just to cuss me and tell me she knew what i had done to him, hitting him with things, abusing him, trying to kill him. said that she saw scars where i cut him with a knife…(he had cut himself one day threatening me with suicide, and when i grabbed for the knife he swung it almost cutting two fingers off of me). he had cut himself on his forearms just enough to bleed, not do harm. it was moments like these that i realized there was a lot more wrong with him then i could ever begin to address and i just wanted him gone…gone forever, and away from my family, away from my sister. when i filed for divorce, my dad paid for it, it was clean and simple, just papers to sign no property thank God again. I slept on a mattress on the living room floor, my sister and friend literally shoved food down my throat and shoved me into showers. i had never felt so broken, and low and useless in my life. I had put all i had into one person and he took it all and stomped all over it. i ceased to function all together. I never wanted to kill myself, but i was as probably close to it as i could get. My sister never left me, and one day, my birthday, i got out for the first time and she had gathered a lot of friends i was forced to not speak to for a long time, for a dinner. nothing big, just dinner and drinks at home. that night i ran into the man i married to now. we had known each other for yrs just lost touch over everything going on. we took it slow, he knew about somethings that happened, not at all everything. but i started to feel worth something again. we married in 2009 and i had my 1st and only child with him in 2009. yes i was pregnant when i got married. i had known i wanted to marry him eventually, just wouldn’t have happened right then if i had not have been pregnant. to this day i regret nothing. i love him and i know he loves me. my problem however is this…i’m realizing that i have become like a stone wall. i know i love him…but he doesn’t know HOW MUCH. after 2yrs of battling with him over everything the other night when my 2 yr old stared at me with something close to fear, or confusion, i broke. We have not had the best of relationships always, but never physical. He does say mean things, and when he is angry he says things that sometimes i think he just hates me. but this time i fight back, harder then necessary i guess at times. i have found myself getting so angry with him i shake, and at times its over a big thing, and at times its over something he said that just hurt my feelings. i’m quick to defend, and even quicker to get hurt it seems. i am so afraid of sinking into a bad relationship that i fight and fight everyday to show him that i don’t need him, that i can function just fine on my own and he can leave if he wants. our arguments hurt me just like the ones in the past did, i just don’t show it. i don’t want him to know he is capable of bringing me down. but i have found that that goes hand in hand with me not letting him see how happy he makes me. talking to my sister the other day i finally realized that i just don’t have emotions. i have a hard time being happy for someone when something goes right for them, or getting excited about something for someone, i can enjoy my child, she gets the best of me i know. and i have never gotten angry with her, or yelled at her. in a way i see her as totally innocent and needing me, so i deal with her differently. i know that i need my husband and that i love him dearly, and if we ever split it would kill me but i don’t know how to act like i feel that way. im afraid if he knows…he will use it against me. so i do it all myself, i take care of me and my child and i just let him be there. that sounds terrible i know, and it is, i feel like i have a room mate, not a romantic relationship with anyone. if he doesn’t do something just right i find myself feeling dejected, and unattractive, and no wanted. i may act like i don’t care, but when it comes to it i care too much maybe. if i get dressed up all pretty and smell good and wear heels (which i never do) and he doesn’t say something, or we don’t come home and have sex, my whole evening is ruined and i feel ugly and fat and hated. If i get up and clean, make a big dinner, wash all his clothes, and he doesn’t see it, or say something i get so angry. and i feel like nothing i do makes a difference to him. some of these things, even though i know im over reacting, i can’t help but feel like i do. and its exhausting to him to put up with i know. i see how tired he is of me crying and complaining because he isn’t making me feel loved, or wanted. i just don’t know what to do anymore. i hate how i am. i hate how much i have of myself wrapped up in him. and sometimes i hate him for not understanding why i am this way. i feel like a nut job…thank you for taking a minute to read this…there is soooo much more but i won’t subject you to it. that just about sums it up. i went for so long just pushing the nightmares, the hurt, the fear all to the back that i convinced myself i was over it and it wasn’t a part of me any more. but i think it is still with me just in different forms, and i have become a hardened emotionless person who can only show anger, nothing else. i dont like me. – safe to email me
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Dear Christina,
I am glad to hear from you, don’t be sorry for writing so much, writing is the best way to heal from most things especially abuse of any kind. I strongly encourage you to get a journal and write as often as you can. From all that you shared today I belive you will really benefit from this. I encourage counceling for sure, free or paid, maybe even group. You don’t have to be beaten and bleeding to be abused. Anyone that makes you fear for your life or tears you down is being abusive. We teach others how to treat us, by what we allow and put up with.
I am glad that you are away, it is for the best. I encourage you to move forward, that doesn’t mean the past did not happen or forget about it, but you have so much to do and so much life ahead of you. Find the ways to heal from what has happened, you will be stronger than you ever imagined. You must learn from what happened so that you never allow this in your life again. He hurt you so very much, you need to be alone for as long as needed to fully heal so that you don’t attract a man like this again.
Don’t worry about justifying if this was abuse, this was abusive to you. I can hear that your self esteem is gone so I would encourage you to make that a focus, find books and tapes and read about this, how to heal. I have another site at http://www.rebeccaburns.comthere is a recommended reading sections that offers some suggestions. You can also just google topics.
I hope you journal and read, would love ot hear from you again. Your life is not over, it is all up to you what happens from here out.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Rebecca,
My name is Christina, I am 22 and am currently studying Modern Languages at University.
Right now I am in a pretty bad way and I hope you don’t mind, I felt like writing to you, as I need some help/ advice. I felt like explaining what has happened to me, because it has and is affecting me a lot at the moment, and I just need some advice, really. Sorry for the length, I just wanted it all to come out, it’s been stuck in my mind for so long, thought it might be good to actually write it all out. I hope you don’t judge me for what happened, it was a really bad time in my life and I am trying to now recover from it all.
To cut a long story short, recently, I have been having memories of my ex boyfriend. It was a pretty destructive relationship. He never hit me, but he hospitalised two people at work. We met on a dating website when I was at University in Wales, Swansea. At the time, I didn’t like my course, my flatmates were really bitchy and friends I thougth I had who were only down the road from me, never came up to visit me, even though I constantly invited them round.
On our first date, he seemed so charming, quite quiet, like me, calm. We talked non-stop (he loved rock music, like me and sci-fi). He told me when he moved into his apartment, we could spend time there. I found this really weird, as I had only just met him, but it didn’t really click. He paid for dinner at this nice Italian restaurant (I love Italian food). He seemed really sweet, like he cared about me. I was really flattered, as I’d never felt special before.
On the next few dates, when he came round, he went on Facebook one time. He wanted me to put that we were in a relationship and I saw that he’d put status updates, talking about me. I was freaked out by this, as we’d only just started going out. I refused to put we were in a relationship, because I am a private person.
There were lots of signs, but I think I just refused to see them, it didn’t all click for me. He hated his brother, calling him a little shit all the time. His brother was only 17 and I’d defend him, saying he was only a teenager. He was jealous that his parents gave him money for a television, when he had had to buy his tv himself (he works on the trains, on the buffet). I couldn’t understand why he could hate his brother so much.
He told me that his ex girlfriend used to hit him all the time, he was with her for three years and that she hit him with belts. I felt so sorry for him. He didn’t have any friends, only one. He had dropped out of University years ago and was very bitter, he said the University was crap. I didn’t know this, on the site, he said he’d had a degree. He only had one GCSE in Drama, he liked seeing people get in trouble at work and would eavesdrop and make fun of them. He said everyone was out to get him, even though he did nothing wrong. One time, I looked at his phone, and he’d been talking behind a colleague’s back to another colleague. His Dad is a train driver in the same company and he always told me that he could make trouble for the others. He stole sweets and wine in the past.
He used to send me lots of texts saying he loved me at the beginning and phone me constantly. I was freaked out, but flattered. It was my first relationship and I really loved him. I believed he felt the same way about me. Then, everything changed.
Once he got his apartment, that was it. He spent so much money on it, got out a loan. At the time, I had left University to transfer and found out my Dad had cancer. I was devastated, I didn’t know how to handle it. I was up and down because of it. He promised he’d phone me every day, but it never happened. I always then ended up phoning him lots, then he’d call me clingy. I am not clingy, but I just needed support at the time. He didn’t understand this and tell me that if I stopped phoning all the time, the relationship could work. He was never there, all he cared about was himself.
When I left University at Christmas, he came to visit for two weeks. My Mum was pissed off, because she knew I needed space to process what had happened. He was always around, I felt I had to be happy and entertain him. So, I took him out every day, to the cinema. We went to see N-Dubz and Pink, two of my favourite bands. He said he didn’t mind, anything to spend time with me. I then found out he’d put on Facebook that he’d been roped in to see them. I was really hurt, as I thought he’d enjoyed himself, even though he mocked N-Dubz, because he absolutely couldn’t stand them.
At Easter, he came down and the day before, he showed me he had no money in his account. I felt really bad for him, so I spent lots of money, we went to the zoo, to the London Dungeon’s, a horror show. I did feel partly angry, as my Mum told me that any guy would pay a little bit (we went to the cinema and he chose the biggest popcorn/drink deal, even though I don’t eat the stuff). I didn’t mind spending money to be honest, because I really cared about him.
He told me that he wasnt like other guys and didn’t like football and hardly thought about sex. When we were together, it seemed like I wanted sex a lot, but really we hardly saw each other and it never happened, because he just didn’t fucntion. I felt a bit dirty, like a whore, if I am honest. He always told me he never deserved me, and I never understood this, as he seemed so normal at work, and yet he was a bit like Jekyll and Hyde, I never knew what would set him off, if he was angry. When we had an argument, he’d slam the phone down, wouldn’t talk to me fo days. I’d phone him in mad panic, because I thought it was my fault, I’d leave messages, saying I was so sorry. He’d always deny his behaviour, saying I made it up, that he was never this angry until he met me, that it was all my fault.
He always thought I was flirting with other guys at home when I was at gigs, and I wasn’t. One time, I phoned him up when I was ill and he said he couldn’t talk to me because he was out with his friends. I later found out that some girls had offered him drinks. I was so hurt, he told me, for the first time ever, he felt attractive. It killed me, because I didn’t understand why he was telling me this if he loved me. It made me feel like I was unattractive. It happened lots of times. One time, when I was up to visit him, he came home from work late, said this girl’s name. I asked him who it was, he said to me that this girl had been chatting him up. I just lost it for once, I couldn’t take it anymore. I am not proud, but I hit him so many times, that night. I am not a violent person, but it had gotten too much, it had eroded my self-esteem. From then on, he always brought it up, whenever we had an argument, he’d act like he was afraid of me, saying that he couldn’t win arguments with me, that I enjoyed arguing with him, when in reality, I was petrified of him and I hate confrontations. I’d apologise all the time, even though sometimes, I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. Half the time, I felt like I was going mad. I did feel like I was a complete monster.
He used to send me some disgusting sexual text messages, I am not a prude, but it made me feel really uncomfortable and I told him to stop, but he still sent them to me. Sometimes, when we were intimate, he liked wrestling me, and he’d pin me down. He was really strong, it freaked me out, because I just didn’t like it. I never told him, but for some reason, it reminded me abit of rape. I’d tell him to get off me, and it’s like he was in control.
My Mum was always petrified when I went to Wales to see him. She’d phone me constantly, she worried non-stop. She was scared he would hit me. When he told me he’d hit two people, he was so proud. They did nothing to provoke him, I told him it’s wrong to hit people. He went mental, telling me how dare I tell him what to do, the police thought it was right, his uncle was so proud of him and wanted to see the video tape of him in action. I told him I was scared he might hit me one day and he just lost it and slammed the phone down and didn’t call me for like three days or so. I don’t know if I made him the way he was, if I am responsible for his behaviour. He used to say I was part of the family and in our last conversation, he said I was nothing, a nobody. He said I’d never change and it’s stayed with me.
I’m not proud, I am so ashamed, but I used to self-harm a lot at home. I know, you’ll think I am some weird, psycho girlfriend, but it was the only way of me feeling something. I was numb all the time I was with him. He found out about it, I told him that because of his behaviour, it was a coping mechanism for me. He just refused to accept that his behaviour wasn’t helping. The relationship ended badly, I self-harmed when I was alone and I called him in panic, because I was bleeding slightly. He phoned my Mum who came to help me. He just said that it was all my fault and that Iwas making him ill, so the relationship had to end. He said he cared about me, I was devastated. He changed numbers and I deleted him off Facebook, blocking him. I did send him an email once, saying I hoped we could be friends, but I have realised we never could be, I was blamed when he had a bad day, ill, whatever and I phoned him. He ended up telling me one day that he’d tell me he didn’t love me anymore and that phoning me was becoming a chore. I still blame myself, thinking if I hadn’t self-harmed, maybe it would have worked. Maybe I am a monster, I certainly still feel like a bad person, consumed by guilt and sadness.
I felt very worthless during the relationship, like I was nothing, but it was hard to leave. It was about a year ago, and I haven’t met anyone else since. I still feel like I am a horrible person, because he told me that I was so many times in the relationship. I believe that I am a bad person, maybe I made him angry all the time, I’ll never know. Anyway, recently all these painful memories have come back and I feel that maybe I’ll never find a stable, nice, normal man. I have a lot of associations, which are very traumatic for me. My favourite music, films I like, films both him and I like…. it all reminds me of him. I do frequently wonder if it was all me, if I deserved it. I do think maybe he’s changed, maybe he’s with someone, and it upsets me, because I’m still single, a loner freak. I feel like an idiot for putting up with his behaviour and feel like it was all my fault.
One day, I’d love to go back to Swansea, or Wales. That would make me happy, for me to go and visit, and not think about him. I love the Welsh accent and the people are lovely. He works at Paddington, so I am afraid, because if I saw him, I am guessing it would be horrible for me. I still wonder what he’s told people, probably that I was a crazy bitch. That upsets me, because I think, no, I am not crazy, no-one knows what you were like apart from me. I feel like clearing my name sometimes, I suppose.
He told me he had voices telling him to suffocate his gran, but he didn’t do it (she was very ill). He had been taking drugs for 7 years and was clean when I met him, but I am pretty sure drug-taking has an impact on the mind.
Recently, I have been up and down, because it’s all finally coming out. I have buried the pain inside of me for like a year and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t carry it around with me anymore. It’s like a huge scar, which no-one can see apart from me. I wonder if I attract these people. Am I unstable? Am I crazy? Was it really abuse? Am I ugly? I do feel ugly, yes. Sometimes, I am petrified this relationship will be the only one I’ll have, that I’ll never love someone again, that no-one will love me.
I don’t even know if you can call this behaviour abuse, or if anyone would believe me. It was verbally abusive, definitely. My self esteem is gone and I have to start rebuilding myself now. Taking each day at a time. I bought lots of books on abuse but every time I look at it, it makes me want to cry. A lot of tears are stuck inside, they just aren’t coming out, which frustrates me. I want to heal. I am not angry at him, I don’t want revenge. I just want to recover. Be loved. Find someone who loves me for who I am someday.
I listened to a radio programme yesterday and cried. It was very moving, about abuse. When this woman was describing the abusive behaviour, I thought, yep, this is all what he was. It made me feel I am not alone, I am lucky to have gotten out. I do find it exceptionally hard to talk about, because it was a very traumatic, destructive time in my life and I am still dealing with the aftermath, as it were. It’s sad to say, but I do get panic attacks when I go out, I shake at times, find it hard to sleep. I get flashbacks of arguing, me cutting. A big achievement is me not having self-harmed for a year, I am proud of that.
So sorry for the massive email, I really hope you don’t think I am some weird, demented freak, it just feels theraputic to write it all out. I am crying just writing it. All these memories I thought I had buried, they just never really got dealt with. I can’t talk to my Mum about this, because she was so sad to see what I went through and if I talk about it, she just calls him names, which doesn’t help, because being angry at him won’t help the recovery.
Any advice would be appreciated, thank you for listening.
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Hello Omar,
We spoke earlier and I agree, my focus has been on helping women for I better relate. I write too that men are abused too. I have several men’s stories and points of view in my book. I watched it happen to a friend. It is a hidden secret. Just because I write of women doesn’t mean that I don’t know it happens to men too. I have links here and posts to support men,. There are many sites and blogs to support men, from men that understand what they are going through. I offer all that I can but think a man is better suited to help a man get his life back as he has walked in his shoes.
I wish you all the best and so appreciate your comments and honestly. Talk again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Jessica,
My heart goes out to you. I want for your safety and well being too. You are the only one that gets to make the life decisions for you. Put your safety first, make sure you have a restraining order, let the local college know your fears, have something to protect yourself with. Hopefully he will find other people to be with and forget about you. That is a hope for all.
It is easy to say but you can’t give up your life and what you want. I lived in fear that every day i walked to my car he would be there to kill me. Even after he was dead, he died of a heart attack, I still feared him for many years after. I had to take anxiety meds too, you do what you have to do to get through it. The nightmares sadly come. Even years after when I didn’t think of him at all my mind did. IT takes times.
I wish you so much happiness and safety. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I never thought that it would take so long to heel from an abusive relationship.
It has been 11 months and I am still trying to get better.
I am definately better than I was, but I still think about him EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I have been seing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and they have helped me a lot.
This person affected me in SO many ways and I am just starting to realize everything.
I lost my friends, I lost my self-esteem, I have to take anxiety pills and antidepressants to stay calm,I lost a semester at school, I live with fear, I lost trust in people, I feel that everybody wants to hurt me,I have trouble expressing myself, I can’t tell anybody that I love them, not even my family, I sometimes feel empty, like if I am just living to live, I lost part of myself…
I started having nightmares again… They had stopped before, but they started two days ago again.
I just searched on the Texas Department of Criminal justice, and this person’s projected release date is on 7-21-11.I AM SO SCARED! I think he is going to find me and hurt me. I don’t want to tell my mom that he is getting out of jail because she will make me leave my university again, and go back home…I am also scared because he knows where my family lives, and I don’t want him to hurt anybody.
I don’t know what to do. To reach my goals I have to stay here and finish school, but I am scared that he will find me.
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Dearest Rebecca,
Your are definitely doing a great job here. But, as a man, I would like to point out that domestic violence/abuse is not gender specific. While I will agree that domestic violence affect women more than men, I must say that there are men who experience domestic violence as well.
We are not immune to hurt, pain, and suffering.
Yours in Hope,
Omar
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Dear R,
Thanks for posting, I added your comment as a new post with a link to the book you mentioned … To read this comment and access book click here
I often recommend that women men blog or journal, you share some you don’t. Just writing it out on paper is what helps to clear your head. Thank you for sharing your site, I check it out and it is really encouraging to others.
In regards to not knowing you were abused, I was out for a bit before I had even heard the term domestic violence of PTSD, so you are not alone there. Keep up the writing and hope to hear from you again soon. You will inspire many.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Rebecca
I’m just finding the world of blogs about domestic abuse. I have had an abrupt start to my journey of recovery. I have been with my husband for over 14 years and two and a half weeks ago I came across the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That) and suddenly became aware that I had been in an abusive relationship for all that time.
I know it may sound ridiculous that someone wouldn’t know, but I didn’t. My husband was mainly emotionally and psychologically abusive, though there were some physical and one incident of sexual violence too. However, the confusion and smokes and mirrors that he put in my path meant I just couldn’t figure out what was going on with us. I felt huge empathy for my husband and thought he just had lots of issues that we might be able to sort out and then it would be lovely. Little did I know that he was deliberately emotionally abusing me continually for the entire 14+ years we were together.
I am slowly now realising the extent of the abuse and am blogging about it too, as writing is very therapeutic for me at the moment.
My story (so far) is here: http://www.peacehopeclarity.blogspot.com and I hope that people might find it useful to read through my story and hopefully realise there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is worth taking those terrifying steps to leave. I have found it very inspiring reading others’ stories and this is another reason I’m writing mine.
Thanks for the blog.
R
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Oh, maybe you could link that book? I’ve found it astonishingly validating and clarifying. It’s literally lifted the veil from my eyes.
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Thank you for sharing your story, I was deeply moved. I have posted another link so others can comment. I encourage you to post here as well. You will help so many. You made me think of my own mother escaping while my abusive stepfather was at the dr, 6 children, fleeing far away. God Bless.
The other link is https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2011/01/23/having-9-children-didnt-stop-woman-from-escaping-domestic-violence/
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My story on DV, speaking at a MAG (Maricopa Association of Governments) training.
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Dear Dear Kay,
That was such a sad post to read. It broke my heart. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Many women would have stayed in the relationship. THe fact taht you left can change your life. I know you may miss him, that is normal. Allow our self the time to mourn, it is like a death when something like this happens, but don’t let it take you over. Your life is about more than this boy/man. Your life is about what you are here for. You are not here to be abused. You are here to live your dreams. If you put all of your focus on healing from what happened and setting goals you can actually end up with a man that treats you with dignity and respect. You are young but have been through things one on ever experiences. You can help other younger girls to recognize the potential signs of abuse and when to leave. Receovery from this is the hardest part because you are sad and alone. Don’t look for another love, stay alone for a bit to allow you time to heal of you may most likely attract another abuser. You show others how to treat you.
I encourage you to find teen support sites, go to the bookstore or your library and go to the self help section for teens, find one that interests you. Self esteem can be learned, I had none at one time after years of abuse, but once you get it, you are unstoppable. You will not allow this in your life again. Surround yourself with positive people that treat you well. Demand more of yourself. Find a cause, find a passion and go for it. You are here for a reason.
I sincerely hope to hear from you again, I can hear that you are hurting, let me know how I can support you. I encourage other readers to reach out to Kay too as this is a crucial time in her young life, share your wisdom, this is why we are here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
write anytime Kay, you are not alone and you are understood xx
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I’m only 17, and just left my first love who was verbally abusive. We were together for a year and i literally gave him my all! There were days were things were PERFECT it was only when we had arguments things would escalate. Sometimes i would cry, and he’d mock me and laugh, say all i was good for was crying and i was a big baby. One day i came across verbal abuse signs and was suprised to see that he did every single thing on the list. i was constantly walking on egg shells to avoid fights and was ridiculously afriad of being yelled at it hurt so bad especially when i have low self essteem to begin with. There were two points i tried to end my life. One time i told him if he didnt stop, i would cut myself (i was holding a blade while we were fighting on the phone) his reaction was do it. the next day of course, sorrys came from left and right. he was being extremely sweet and i thought it was just anger until it happened again. One day a fight occured when i was at my cousins house, she heard every word and hung up the phone. she opended my eyes and told me that he verbally abused me. if it was not for her, i would still be with him. it’s been a month and now i’m feeling so sad. constantly missing him, thinking of him, thinking of our good times. he has a new girlfriend and that kills even more – i am not sure why i have this feeling of wanting him back when he hurt me so bad. I’m so lost. my parents dont know, my friends dont understand, im crying day and night. How do i get over this? how long does it take? will my self-essteem ever be reparied?
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Dear Lori,
First off, don’t get over it, get on with it. I hate when others say that too, someone who has been abused would never dream of saying those words. Being abused becomes part of you whether you like it or not. I am sorry for all that you have been through. Maybe you are eligible for free counseling, check with your state. They have many programs for battered women. I know how hard it can be to trust. I was the same way, any signs of a drinker and I was out of there. I was celibate for ten years before I was okay enough to let my guard down. I am so glad that I did.
A man can still never raise a hand near my face and one night, playing he pinned my arms to my chest and I suddenly couldn’t breathe, he felt bad, even though he would never think of hurting me my mind freaked.
It is okay to be angry, sad, mad and all of that, that is where many go wrong, they think, be grateful he didn’t kill you, now move on. It is never that simple. I often say, for every day that you live in the abuse it takes that day and more to recover. Same as other programs, one day at a time. For me, if I could get through the day and not have an anxiety attack was a good day. A night without a night terror, was a good night.
Finally, when I no longer feared the shadows I knew that life and that injured woman was behind me and I could help others.
You can’t beat yourself up for what you stayed in, it happened, you can’t change that, but you can change what you do today. You don’t have to fix all that is hurting and wrong in your life today, take one breath at a time and appreciate that now, you have the choice to be what you want.
Only allow others into your life that you trust, it will take time, go with your gut. Become a woman that can stand on your own and you will begin to attract others that deserve the privilege of calling you a friend.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am new on this site and came for help because I left my abusive husband two years ago. I had to leave the state and lost everything, my job, my furniture, my friends etc… Everyone says you can replace those things but while he made $$$ on selling my furniture, is living with another woman and I am broke, no chance of making the money that I did before and I cant get close to another man. I have dated a few times and find that I can not tolerate a man that I think may be an alcoholic, see signs of abuse in every man. I do seem to attract these types of people even if I put up a brave front. I had a great counselor and support group but she left and the group fizzled out. I even encountered an abusive group member and the person running it did not protect three of us that she targeted. She was later kicked out of the group after she became more abusive to the whole group. So I have the tools, I know it wasn’t my fault (though I kick myself for letting myself get into this marriage) I got out fast but not before he broke this once hardworking, honest, and trustful woman. I hate that I have lost the innocence of trust. I am angry sad and tired of people telling me to get over it, your lucky he didn’t kill you etc… Oh and I went from the frying pan into the fire as i went to live with an abusive alcoholic relative that promised me many things and after two years of that abuse i am on my own with alot of anxiety for my future as my husband emptied all of the bank accts. and all of my savings were gone. I can not afford a lawyer and he wont help pay for the divorce. So because I am still considered married to him I cant get a tax break from the IRS that still sees us as married. Will this nightmare ever end????
Thank you for letting me vent and may all of the abused people have much peace in the future 🙂
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This blog is truely amazing and inspiring.
May God bless you!
Maiyata
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Dear Anna,
He has hurt you to the point that you will never get that same love feeling back. The bond and trust has been broken. He doesn’t realize that. You can’t worry about what he will do and must move on for your sake. You can be happy and you deserve a happy life. I am glad to hear that you can support yourself, that will make it easier. You must be happy and fulfilled on your own to attract the man of your dreams. Be happy on your own and the rest will come. Hope to hear from you again, telling us that you have moved.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Courtney,
I can’t thank you enough for posting on the site. You are a woman of amazement. You are a survivor, I can tell from your words. I talk with woman all the time that have suffered as you have and you are a survivor. You have lived through hell and want to give back by helping others. By sharing your story you will help others become stronger. Keep us posted and I encourage you to blog, you will get traffic from here too. Many come here for support and someone who has been what they have been through. I will post your poem on my other sites too.
Let me know if there is ever anything I can ever do for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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My story
http://iamasurvivor1984.blogspot.com/
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I am survivor. I have been out of the relationship since June 2010. I was hospitalized for the most recent incident in June with a fractured lumbar spine and multiple contusions to my face/head. Two black eyes, both lips fat, broken nose and other numerous bruises over my body. If I didn’t hide in the woods he would have killed me. He is in jail and the trial is starting September 30th. I saw the evidence pictures for the first time 3 days ago. When I saw the pictures of what he had done to me, it became real. Up until then it all seemed like a dream. The court is saying that this is one of the most heinous crimes against another person they have seen in a very long time. As hard as it was to see the pictures, they gave me a sense of empowerment. I do not want to be labeled as a victim, I want to be labeled as a survivor. I am thinking of starting my own blog to share my story and to inform people of the court process & things like that. I am ready to share my story with the world. You may contact me if you would like to at ( i.am.a.survivor1984@gmail.com )
” I will no longer hide these wounds of mine. I will bear them gracefully. They tell a resurrection story.”
Ntozake Shange, “sorry”
one thing i don’t need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i don’t know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry
i am simply tired
of collectin
i didnt know
i was so important to you
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet
for alla the sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called to say yr sorry
call somebody else
i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/ didnt meanta/ & how cd i know abt that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul/ i’m gonna soothe mine
you were always inconsistent
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things
& race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it
i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability
& close talk
& i’m not even sorry
bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt
& grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself.
” Do you not know you are God’s temple and that God’s spirit dwells in you? If any one destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and that temple you are”. ( 1 Cor. 3: 16-17)
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I am still living with my ex-fiance. I am currently looking for rooms to rent so that I can move on with my life.
He does not beat me. In the past he used to drink a lot. He would be verbally abusive and would keep me up late at night frequently with drunken fights (I wasn’t drunk, he was). He has broken things of mine when drunk, cell phone, a painting that was a gift from my parents, made big dents in the wall. He was always very aplogetic and remorseful, until he got drunk again.
A year and a half ago something happened wich scared him into quitting drinking for real. we went to a Halloween party. I dressed up like Pippy Longstalking (my childhood hero) I have always wanted to be a strong independent care free person like her. My fiance got really drunk and cornered me in one of our host’s bedrooms. He began acusing me of cheating on him (which I never did) and yelling at me. I tried to leave the room and he grabbed me and pulled my jacket over my head and held me down. I couldn’t breath very well and was pleading for him to let me go. I can’t even remember what he said to me but he proceded to penetrate me anally with his finger over and over again. He was saying stuff like I know you like it like that you dirty whore.
I finally broke free from him and elbowed him really hard in the head. I got out of the room and was just in shock.
I didn’t want to tell the people at the party what had happened as they were all drunk and kind of scummy people. I didn’t know them very well or trust them. I didn’t want to call the police because I have had a bad experience with the police and don’t really trust them either.
So I just stayed away from him for a few hours until he had sobered up a bit and I drove us home.
The next day I told him what he had done to me (as he had blacked out). He didn’t believe me at first, but eventually he did.
He felt really bad and stopped drinking for a while. I stayed with him because I didn’t have much money and couldn’t afford to move out. I pretended that everything was ok.
Now he hasn’t drank for a while (he relapsed a couple of times since then). I just don’t love him anymore. I resumed sexual relations with him a few weeks after the incident, but for some reason, probably because I am more capable of being financially independent now, the thought of having sex with him grosses me out, we haven’t had sex for several months.
He is really clingy and doesn’t want me to leave. He is trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to leave him. I have left him before and then returned out of loneliness. I really want to do what is right. I feel dirty and used and depressed. I wan’t to be proud of myself and I want to be proud of anyone that I am with. I am not proud of him.
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Dear Marianne,
Wow, that has to be one of the most honest posts that I have ever read on here. From an outsider, this is a horribly toxic marriage that you are in. From what I have read here, I would make a quick decision to tell you to seperate, most likely for good. I suggest that you read what you wrote here in a few days, let it settle. You are both abuse and living in a horribly toxic home. This is not good for you or your children. You are an abuser as well and I can tell that you already know this. As abusive and game playing as you sound like you are doing I would suggest that you split, get well with counceling on your own and stay single for as long as needed. Put your focus on you and your children.
The abuse you two are living in is going to scar your children for life. I think that you already know all of this. I don’t mean to be harsh but, no one should live the way that you both are. I understand what you are saying, are you causing the abuse? You sound as though you are intentionally egging him on to hurt you, like you deservie this. You don’t so you need to put the stop to thinks. I know you can’t picture being with him but really, just imagine how much worse this is going to get, it may be too late when you decide to leave.
Leave now why you both still have a chance. You need to have what you want in life, you need to be happy and this is not happiness, not for either one of you. I am not judging you at all, I want you to be well.
Write again,
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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When you see a woman in a domestic violence situation everyone will say she needs to get out but what if am to blame a bit for bringing this into my marriage? I acknowledge that perhaps I have treated my husband poorly- me and my trust issues, jealousy, controlling- my way or the highway, demanding- needing him to call me from work by a certain time, if he calls late I’ll start an argument, some verbal abuse in form of name calling, criticisms, insults all this usually out of frustration and insecurity and mostly when were arguing. During my college years I was involved in a relationship that was getting abusive and thankfully I got out but not with a lot of trauma. When I met my husband I thought it was a blessing but then after we got married and especially after I had our first child things began to change. Arguments were frequent. Perhaps my being unhappy being at home contributed to that, him busy being a provider and my unrealitic expectations perhaps? During very heated arguments and we cant seem to agree I have a habit of walking away and this would always get to him. He will follow me or grab my arm, drag me to get me to stay in the same room with him so he can argue with me. It would drive me nuts because I would feel threatened by his scary aggresiveness and he’s gotten hit by my fists, if not a cloth’s hanger, slapped, scratched- he’s got plenty of scars on his body to prove that- all this just so he would leave me alone or get away from me. I have tried telling him that when we fight I need to sometimes walk away, but he won’t listen and he’s taken away my things ie. passport, wallet, phone so I couldnt get away, cancelled credit cards etc. banged on doors incessantly after Ive locked myself in to get him away from me. I sense that he has abandonment issues perhaps? The thought of me leaving him terrifies him and makes him behave this way?
Oneday he hit back and there have been a couple of incidences already where Ive been punched, shoved, thrown, dragged and it was usually provoked by me hitting him first. Of course, I would be hurt more considering his strength vs mine. I admit I have a short temper and a bad habit of name calling and good at throwing hurtful words and probably I do treat him like crap and so he’s probably gotten to the point where he’s fed up and fighting back. Early this year I recall an incident one night when I wanted us to pray together but he didnt feel like it so I got angry and shoved him several times and hit him in the shoulder forcing and demanding we pray together. At some point that enraged him and swung at me hitting bruising the right side of my face. I was 7 months pregnant at the time with our second. I forgave him and dismissed ideas of leaving him but then even after the baby was born things didnt get better. My moodiness and lack of sleep made me grumpy most of the the time and of course we fought. Always small things that I was not happy about and always some unnecessary thoughtless or immature remark from him enough to piss me off and escalate into a full blown argument. I had thoughts of leaving him- I have threatened to leave him many times over the 5 years we have been together. As early as 6-7 months into the marriage. Unfortunetalyover the years our attempts to get help through some form of counseling was always thwarted because of my husbands work moving overseas and residing in countries that didnt offer enough counselling support for troubled marriages. Early last month because of the hitting incident when I was pregnant and the arguing post delivery we decided to attend a retrouvaille weekend for troubled marriages. Unfortunetaly because we reside overseas were went able to attend the follow up sessions which are probably more crucial. Things were going well and after that weekend we continued onto a holiday as family . I thought this retreat would be our miracle cure. Things were good but then we got into an argument about 5 days ago that did not get resolved and the following evening it got very ugly. I had ignored him since the night before and he was trying to talk to me but I was hurt from the words he threw at me from the other night and so I was ignoring him and perhaps being rude and uncompromising. One of the things we were encouraged to work on from our recent retrouvaille weekend was to change past bad behaviour. In my case the name calling and swearing which I continued to do and I must admit it has always been something that my husband has always asked me to stop and usually what provoked his anger. Anyway I was saying a lot of nasty things as I was feeling hurt and I pretended not to care anymore and told him to leave me alone and that his apologies were pointlesss if he wasnt going to change. He got angry that I was ignoring him and eventually got aggressive and took the laptop I was pretending to be busy with. I told him to leave the room but he wouldnt and so I decided to leave and said i would be sleeping in our daughter’s room. Out in the hallway he followed me and ordered me to go back int our room and I told him no and next thing he drags me back to our room and punches me in the shoulder a few times. I retaliated by stabbing a tiny pencil onto his wrist and told him I hope he gets lead poisoning. This drove him crazy and he started punching and kicking me. All this with our 5 year old around. His last kick to my right leg made him stop because by then I was screaming in pain. He just walked away and left me alone and slept in daughter’s room that night. Didnt even check up on me. I rang a friend to come over with her husband and I told them what happened. They tried to console me and the husband tried to call my husband on the cellphone and even knock on the door to wake him up but he appeared to be asleep. The following evening I decided to go to the dr to have my leg checked because it was really painful and I couldnt walk. They did an xray from the knee down and my husband’s kick apparently had caused a tiny fracture on my right proximal fibula. My reaction to what he did of course was an intense hurt followed by a rage to want to hurt him back. Of course I have to leave him for what he did. Had we not fought we were suppose to go out of town for fun family weekend. He pushed through taking along with him our 5 year old daughter, bought groceries and left money and didnt even leave a note to let me know. His reasoning according to our friend who I asked to come over that night he assaulted me was that he had already been charged for the weekend and he wanted to take our daughter and let her enjoy as things would be very tense anyway at home. I can understand that since the incident he is probably afraid and full of shame to come near me but still! Not even any attempt to an apology. These last few days have been very difficult for me. I’m consumed with conflicting thoughts and emotions. I think about the years I have spent with my husband, all that I will loose if I leave him- we live overseas because of my husbands work and its not that easy to just take off and leave. I have been financially and emotionally dependent on my husband for far too long and the thought of leaving is frightening. Ive been trying to reason with myself so as not go and try to work it out. I have some friends who think I could give him another chance and they believe that he would not hurt me again. Then there are the friends that think I should just leave and do a trial seperation. I dont know Rebecca…My husband is not a bad man. I love him still and the thought of being without him really hurts. In all fairness he has been good to me and a good father. A good provider but perhaps too much focused on his job and being at home I have a lot of frustration and unresolved anger that I easily take out on him. He does not respond well to my anger and he has made some poor choices in behaviour and I feel somewhat responsible for all the trouble in my marriage. I really need some advice because Im worried that maybe I’m not thinking straight. Im afraid of my situation turning into the hundreds of women who make the wrong decision to stay or perhaps my situation still has hope?
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Hello Stephanie,
Thank you for your kinds words and leaving a post. Thank you for all that you are doing, I watched the video, very touching. I will try my best to leave a new post and review with link to your site. Keep us posted on how things go and how we can best support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Rebecca,
Came across your blog as I was looking for some meaningful quotes on ending violence…just wanted to say thank you for all that you’re doing to raise awareness and give hope to those who are victims or survivors of domestic / partner violence.
I’m a film producer and we’re working on a project called RECOVERING IRMA. Check it out (www.recoveringirma.com) and spread the word about it, if you’re so moved.
Again, thank you — and keep up the great work!!
With gratitude,
~stephanie
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Dear Renee,
My God. You have been through hell and then some. How on earth does he only get probation? That makes no damn sense. I pray that you can get as far away from him as possible. The people that may think you overreact, they don’t matter at all. You have known this man, you know what he can and has done. What other people think does not matter, it is your life.
I was so glad that you are gone from him. I pray that you find the support in life that you need. Keep going every year getting a restraining order against him, that will keep him from taking your son. Find a lawyer, fight for what is right.
I hope that you have gotten or plan to get counseling, you need it to stay strong and deal with what you have been through.
I don’t want you to end up in hell with him, you do not deserve it.
You deserve a life filled with happiness. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. We are here to support you, let us know how we can. Be safe, you are in my prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Spirit,
That was such a nice, yet sad post. I applaud you for all that you do to give back. For myself, just being here for a woman is what makes me do this. I remember sitting all alone in the aftermath not knowing what to do. You are so isolated during the abuse that when you are alone, you are conditioned not to talk to say anything to anyone. It is really hard to actually be alone. That was the hardest for me.
Thank you for your kind words about this blog, that means the world to me. I started it to promote a book and realized how much this outlet was needed for those in abuse, just getting out and much later. This stays with you forever, you get to decide how you will react to what has happened. You have decided to take the horror you have been through and be that person for someone in abuse. You change lives, I hope you realize that.
I am sincerely sorry for all that you and your children have gone through, there is just never a good enough reason for this, every.
I stayed celibate for over ten years. I was only with the man I love today, together almost 2 years. Just a few months into the relationship I wanted to tell him how long I had been alone, he knew I was nervous in bed initially and knew something was up. I knew it would take a special man for me to let go and be myself, he was it. For me it was not that there were not good men, I was just so worried that I would attract the wrong one and not know how to get out immediately. Know, that would never cross my mind for I am a firm believer that you show others how to treat you. I don’t allow disrespect of any kind from anyone, you cross that line with me, bye…..
I encourage women to be alone as long as you need be. You have lots of healing to do, find your passions, what you want out of life. Then, when the time is right, the man that will deserves to have a woman like you, will show up. It is about loving ourselves enough to attract the right person.
You are that light at the end of the tunnel for many. I thank God that he brought you to me and the women on this site. Please write again, you have a wealth of information and strength for all of us.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi Rebecca,
I had to leave a comment to say thank you for this amazin site! I have came across many sites that speak about domestic abuse but nothing that has quiet touched my soul like this one 🙂
I suffered domestic violence for 8 years and have now been out of that relationship for two years. I was very isolated for the whole time that i was in the relationship and found being able to speak to anyone about what i was going through really hard. I felt as though no one would really understand, and still feel that many dont unless they have been in it. I never really thought that it was domestic abuse in the beginning and found it hard to distinguish between caring and controlling behaviour. That soon changed as the relationship went on as it became very violent 😦 I already had a daughter when we met and we had a daughter together. I thought that i was able to change him and prayed for the days where everything was ok (the very beginning of the relationship) It got to the point where my children were more important and by me staying with him i was showing them that it was ok to be treated like this when i knew it wasn’t! Because we have a child together it was hard to totally get rid of him and he still to this day tries to use her to still have that power and control over me. A year after we parted he nearlly killed me and i think that was because he finally realised that i had moved on and that he didnt have that control anymore! I have not had a relationship since him because i feel as though i had lost a part of myself and felt that it was important to build myself back up and make sure that my daughters were ok as there wellfair was most paramount to me. I know that their are many good men out there and I know that I will oneday find someone who will love me as much as i can love him and treat me right. I am now a Domestic violence outreach worker for children and young people and a domestic abuse link worker within social care. I love my job and being able to support women and children end the cycle of abuse. For anyone suffering from Domestic Violence, there is a light at the end of the tunnel 🙂
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I met my husband when I was 16. He was four years older and I thought he was the hottest man alive. He was obsessive from the beginning but I just thought that meant he loved me. My parents never liked him but I did and that was all that mattered. He drank and used drugs but everyone I knew did too, so I thought nothing about it. I did my share of experimenting also. But by the time I turned 21 the novelty wore off and never touched anything again. I wasn’t raised in an abusive household so why I thought this was normal is still beyond me. I can’t even remember when he first hit me because it happened so many more times over the next 20 years. In the beginning it was more verbal than anything with a few physical altercations in between. I was so blind to his controlling ways. It was so subtle, I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. By that time I had lost all my friends and had only him.
By my mid 20′s things seemed to calm down. He stopped drinking and using and being controlling. See, I knew he would change. He actually held down a job and we started talking about marriage and kids. I was ready, so I told him if he could keep this job for a year we could move in together. The following summer we got engaged, moved in together and planned our wedding. It was a great year. We got along fine. I made new friends, I had a wonderful job, life was good. I was 28. A week before our wedding was his bachelor party at our house. All of his old friends were coming and he told me there was going to be drugs and he was going to use this one time. I begged and pleaded for him not to but he just waved me away. The morning of my wedding my dad asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it. What was I going to say? No? How mortifying was that going to be. I never dated, wouldn’t even want to. I was old and who would have me. And I wanted a baby more than anything. I’m not a practicing Catholic but this is the order of things ingrained in me. I wasn’t about to start over after investing 12 years of my life. So come what may, I was getting married. How bad could it possibly get? He’s a changed man. Oh God if I only knew. This was just the beginning of 8 more years of Hell.
So I had a beautiful wedding that went off without a hitch. Set off on our honeymoon, came back and started my new married life. Three months later I got pregnant and was over the moon. Somewhere during this time he started drinking and using cocaine again. But it was only on Fridays so it was ok. It didn’t interfere with his work so what was my problem? I began to dread Fridays. He would be up half the night, pacing back and forth, back and forth. Turning lights on and off, opening and closing doors. I still don’t know how I didn’t snap after years of this. That I got no sleep and had to work the next day didn’t matter. Then the verbal abuse started again. I look back and don’t think it ever really stopped but just became progressively worse. Then he’d wake me sometime in the middle of every Friday night and want sex. So to keep the peace and get back to sleep I did.
My son was born in July of 2000. I was over the moon and so was he. Again I believed things would stop and change as he promised yet again now that we had a baby. But it only got worse.
He lost his job, then another and another. He started frequenting the bar around the corner. My parents watched our son all day because I lied that he was at work even though he wasn’t. I was so embarased. Everything everyone ever warned me about was all coming true and I couldn’t admit it. He didn’t care about his son. I would call my parents on the way home from work to see if he picked him up. If he did I knew it was safe to go home. If not he was at the bar and I was going to be in a world of hurt later. This was a neverending cycle for 3 years. This is also when things went from bad to worse. He started using more and more and drinking more and more which made things worse for me. He stole all my jewelry and sold it for drugs and began stealing from my account(I never put his name on it)
One really bad night, he came home so drunk he couldn’t barely stand. He was so loud and nasty he woke my son who was maybe 4 months or so. I grabbed him and held him as that bastard proceeded to rape me as I consoled my baby in my arms. I just laid there and cried. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Our elderly landlords lived downstairs and eventually began calling the police. They would show up and I would lie that everything was fine. If only they had pushed a little or looked a little closer. By that time I was so terrified of my husband there was no way I was going against his wishes. Or was I more embarased than anything? Eventually the landlords had enough of the ruckus and kicked us out. Thank God my parents owned another house and there was a vacancy and we moved in. They still had no idea what was going on nor did anyone else.
So we moved in, he got a job and again I hoped for the best. Within a week of his getting the job, he had a drunk driving accident and broke his hip. Oh how I wished he had died. He was laid up for 6 months. Again he promised no more. I began to have hope again that maybe this time. He was great with our son now that he was older. Wanted to spend every moment with him. Thankfully he never hit him, didn’t even let me spank him or raise my voice to him. What a hypocrite for what he let my baby hear and witness for 8 years. So that promise was short lived. As soon as he got back to work, the drinking and drugging started right back up. Then one job after another until I thought I’d go insane. Then it was when our son started school he would stop, then 1st grade, then 2nd he never got to 3rd because I finally put a stop to it.
So from the time my son was 3 until he turned 8, the abuse escalated slowly but surely. The beatings were few and far between and usually only happened after my son was asleep. But the fear he put in my heart was unbearable. I felt like I had nowhere to turn. He made me feel like less than nothing. Every day was more degrading than the next. I ignored it, let it go in one ear and out the other, pretending it didn’t phase me. I was strong. I can handle anything he dishes out. How I didn’t turn to drinking , drugs or into depression, or even the looney bin, I’ll never know. Everything I did was wrong. From what I wore, to what I cooked, to how I raised my son etc. I was fat, useless, disgusting, a pig, a whore, a cunt, etc. Day in and day out. My only refuge was my job. I dreaded coming home. The drug and alcohol use escalated from those Fridays to twice a week to four times to six times in the end. I had one day of respite a week. Then the beatings began.
Oh he’d hit me in the past. A slap here, a punch there, a kick here. But nothing prepares you for an actual beating.
On July 4th, 2005 we had a barbecue. A few of his old buddies showed up. He proceeded to get wasted. After everyone left he started accusing me of inviting them behind his back. Then he started beating me and trying to rape me. The more I fought back the worse it got. I didn’t want my son to wake up so I tried to stay quiet. He couldn’t get it up and that enraged him more. he blamed me and proceeded to punch me in my head repeatedly. Then he grabbed the toilet cleaning wand and was going to shove it up my ass. I fought back and my son woke up. He made me put him back to sleep and then continued. At one point he tried to strangle me so I would black out so then I wouldn’t fight him. Eventually it ended come morning. My sons birthday party was that day.
In January, 2006 he went out and got wasted, came home and again tried raping me. Punching me in the head, kicking me in the ribs and threatening to kill me. He went to the bathroom and I tried to run out. He stopped me, went outside and punctured my tire, came back in and beat me some more. I was numb. He went to the bathroom again and I finally got out, naked in only a t-shirt and a pair of socks and no glasses which I’m blind without. I hid behind my house in the freezing cold. Eventually I climbed into his car which was unlocked and laid down. I was in excruciating pain and freezing. When the sun came up I knocked on the door and he let me in and proceeded to rape me yet again. When he finally woke up out of his drunken stupor, oh he couldn’t believe what he had done to me.
On September 9th, 2007, we went to a housewarming party. I knew I was in for it when we got home. Sure enough he started and I ran out before he could touch me. I go sprawling down the stairs because he’s chasing me, bash my head wide open on the sidewalk. Get up, get to my car and drive away. I knew I needed to go to the police but I just couldn’t get the nerve up to. The blood pouring down my face and the pain got to me and I went back. He let me in and thankfully left me alone.
That May of 2007 he quit his job which was a very good job as an electrician’s helper and told me he was never working again. He was going to stay home to be with our son since I was an awful mother. That by far was the worst of the worst years of my life. He was using and drinking 6 nights a week by then. Paranoia started setting in. I was cheating on him, I was planning to leave him with his child, I was hiding money, I wasn’t paying the bills and so on. He would stalk me at my job trying to catch me doing God knows what. He searched my bag every day. He went through the bills and went crazy if something was late. Everything was late. I couldn’t manage on my salary alone and him stealing my money for drugs and alcohol to boot. It was a never ending cycle. He broke at least 4 phones and called all the numbers on the cell phone bill to see who I was calling. He timed me from work and if it took more than 15 minutes i was in trouble. Anything and everything to start an argument to threaten me and beat me. I seriously don’t know how I hid this for as long as I did. I was at the point I wanted to kill him to be free. I would spend the rest of my life in jail and my dear parents could raise my son. How did I let this go so far? How did my upstairs nad downstairs neighbors not hear my cries for help? I felt so alone and helpless. I hated this man with my whole being. I prayed for his death every day. I now knew it was never ever going to get better. I knew all along but was to blind and scared to see. The end was near but I didn’t know it yet.
June 16th,2008 was the night to end all nights or so I thought. My son slept out thank God. Another night like any other. I was sleeping and got woken up to a drunken crazed man yet again. He threw something on the floor and told me to pick it up. I bent down and he lashed out and kicked me in the mouth. I fell to the ground and he kicked all over numerous times. He never really touched my face before so I could usually hide my bruises. All I could think about was how was I going to hide this one tomorrow for work. Crazy but that’s what I was worried about. He slapped me in the face and then tried strangling me. He dragged me to the bedroom and threw me on the bed and started spitting beer all over me. He took a plastic garbage bag and put it over my head then crumpled it and tried strangling me with it. This night I really thought was finally the end of me. He hid all the phones so I couldn’t call 911. I think he knew too that this time I would if I could. I did finally get to my cell and called 911 but he came back and I threw the phone under the bed. He went looking for the phone and if he didn’t have it in 2 minutes… So I grabbed it and erased the 911 call and just prayed they could somehow trace it. He shoved the dresser against the bedroom door, wanted to handcuff me to the bed but couldn’t and passed out. When he was finally snoring I got up and somehow got out of the bedroom and was going to get out. But he woke up as I slipped out the bedroom and dragged me back in. I have a very high sleigh bed. He made me lay down and put me in a vice grip so I couldn’t move. At some point he shoved me out of the bed so hard I cracked both my shins on a wooden chest by the side of the bed and cracked my head on the nightstand and floor. I thought for sure my legs were broken. They swelled up on the spot and I couldn’t move or feel them. When he saw my legs he finally left me alone. How nice of him huh? Nothing was broken thankfully but the scars inside and out remain forever. I was so bruised from that night there was no hiding it. I was covered from head to toe and it being summer…
I went to work after 3 days of lying about being sick. I have more make-up and cover up than I know what to do with. I did the best I could and went in. No one seemed to notice. I’m finally hoping someone does and nothing. Except for a wonderful friend I met 2 years before at work that I was getting accused of cheating with. Oh how I wish I was since I was getting accused of it anyway. One week he sees the bruise on my nose and I blame it on my son’s hard head. Next time he sees my eye and again I blame it on my son. The next time my neck which I thought was healed, he notices and I just say I have no idea. The last straw were my legs. He flipped out and said do not blame your son for those. And my silence was finally broken to a man much, much younger than I, whom I love and trust with all my heart. Who pushed and pushed until my dirty little secret came out. My guardian angel who got me out of my personal Hell after 20 years of secrecy. I love you KC. The following weekend I had my husband arrested.
On July 27th,2008 I finally snapped. We were arguing again about the same old stuff. well basically I sat there quivering and crying as he spewed his filth in my face pushed up against the wall with the kitchen table. I think he knew his time was almost over. He had an uncanny sense of things. For hours he threatened to kill me or send his friends after me if I ever left him and divorced him and took away his son. I could do whatever and he’d always come after me. Then he said if he can’t have him neither would I and “don’t think I won’t go in there right now and snap his little fucking neck.” That was it. At that moment everything became clear and I knew this was the night I would do it. No more. You will not threaten my son. Do to me what you will but never my son. I just had to get out of the house safely. I shoved my debit card down my pant because I knew that was next. He’d steal it to get more money for more drugs. I sat down with my son and we rocked as I cried and he consoled me. “Don’t cry mommy, everything will be ok” he tells me as he rubs my back. That was the clincher. My 8 year old son is consoling me? This is so wrong. What am I doing to him? This is damaging him more than me. So I told him if I can get out of the house safely not to worry and I would be back with the police this time. He shushed me and said don’t let daddy hear. Sure enough he went through my bag and I told him I left my card by my parents to just let me go and I’d take out whatever he wants and to just leave and not come back until he’s sober. He gave me my car key and my parents house key and I left. But this time I didn’t hesitate and went straight to the police station. I told them to please just get my son out safely because I didn’t know what he was capable of. 6 police cars came to my house. I didn’t even think about the embarrasment of it all. I just wanted my son safe in my arms. That was the longest 10 minutes waiting for them to get him. That bastard wouldn’t open the door and I panicked that maybe this time he really would hurt him to get back at me for bringing the police. In the end he was arrested and my son and I were safe.
He spent 2 weeks in jail until someone bailed him out. I got my final restraining order that week and filed for divorce on August 21st which ironically enough was our wedding anniversary. The last 2 years have not been easy. I dreaded what would happen if I ever did this and with good reason. But it’s still better than the Hell I was in. He failed all of his evaluations but was still granted supervised visits by his mothers who he moved in with. That’s not supervision and he did what he wanted because she was scared of him too. The police and courts have not been on my side with any of this. I’m looked upon as a nuisance. Oh how I dreaded those visits. I just knew something bad was going to happen. My son and I lived in constant fear. He would interrogate my son every visit with question upon question about me. He told him he’s always watching. I know he stalked me at my job. He slashed my tires twice in my driveway. If I had been outside it wouldn’t have been my tires that got slashed. But I had no proof. He left messages on my phone but by the time it got to court after several postponements, the messages disappeared. But again, it was still better than living with him or was it. At least then I knew what he was up to. Now I’m blind.
It all came to a head on April 10th,2009, Good Friday, and yes it was. I was sleeping and get a call with a message from him “answer the door, you fucking cunt.” I freaked thinking he’s outside. The police come, I check but the message came from his mom’s house thank God. The next morning I find out he went crazy. Went after his mother and niece with a knife. They barricaded themselves in the bedroom and called the police. The police got them safely out. He proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom and there was a 7 hour standoff with 4 towns and the SWAT Team. He lunged at police with the knife and 8 cans of pepper spray didn’t take him down. Eventually he surrendered and he’s been locked up since. 50,000 dollars bail and no 10%. Needless to say this has been a nice peaceful year except for divorce court which was finally finalized in November.
But this past Monday I went to court and he finally plead guilty and will be getting out on or before June 18th,2010. I really thought and was hoping he would go to prison for a few years but instead he’s getting probation. Are you kidding me? If he had gotten to his mom and niece they would be dead. But since no one got hurt he’s getting out. When he came out if you could have seen the way he looked at me. He is not done yet. He wants me dead more than ever. Everyone can think me crazy and overexagerating but I’ve known that man since was 16 and he is pure evil. I am terrified for my son and myself. I know he is coming after me. He’s had a year to plot. I hope to God not. I don’t want to end up another statistic. But if him doing something means he goes away forever for my sons sake let it be. I may end up in Hell with him and gladly for praying for his death even to this day. But even all this I take over ever having to go back. And I hope and pray more woman find the strength and courage to get away and stay away.
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Dear Terri,
I just spent the last hour, after a long day responding to posts and your email came in last, it was nice to hear. I work so hard, my labor of love and getting a thanks like yours make me feel it is all worth while. We must be there for each other of what is the point. I am so grateful that my labor of love has helped you, especially to know that a quick note motivated you when you needed it.
Don’t worry the bad days will be a thing of the past soon.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Rebecca:
Funny how this all works out – I was having a hard day today and then a motivational note from you reminding me not to miss him or want to hear his voice but to rejoice and celebrate that I don’t have to do either one anymore!!!
I think this site is absolutely amazing – it has given me an understanding of how the abuser works. All of the things that they say and do are ultimately the same (as I read the others’ posts). They beat you down and make you think it’s something you are doing wrong that justifies them physically abusing you. I really doubted myself for a long time, and sometimes I still do, that’s when I read the posts here and see that I am not alone in all of this. If we don’t make the person happy, they have the option to leave, but they do not have the option to beat us half to death to try to get their point across!
Anyway, wanted to say thanks for the note during a tough time and thanks for all of the time and energy you spend encouraging and helping so many people out there who don’t know where to turn!
God Bless You !!!!
Terri
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Hello Terri,
I am so damn proud of you. When they finally say that one thing that snaps you inside, that is your final straw. You already know if you stayed or go back he is going to hurt you. I never want to hear that you have gone back, you hear me girl? You are too strong and do not deserve it. Let the strength and courage grow each day with what you are doing. Each day you will heal a bit more and gain more strength.
I wish you all the best in life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Make the next man deserve you.
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Dear Sara,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I was confused, he said you were divorced, why still living together? If you can get out, go now. He is going to bring you down more and more each day. Your home shows your scars and you need that fresh start. You can get your backbone back, maybe he just expects you to stay because you have for so long. Show him you are done now, leave and don’t look back.
I wish you all the happiness life has in store for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I found this site today…
The day started out all right, just another sunday before I get back to work tomorrow. Seven years ago I met my husband, or should i say Ex husband… he filed for divorce without me knowing… it was finalized almost a year ago and I was not made aware… I would be lying if i said that I didn’t have signs in the beginning, because I did. On and off for the last seven years he has cheated on me countless times, he has hit me and most recently become very mentaly and emotionaly abusive. This morning he yelled at me because the potato salad didnt have sweet pickles in it, somehow that turned into I never make the foods he likes and something about grits.
Since the economic downturn he has been out of work for over a year and a half. We are about to lose our home, which adds to the ridiculous fighting. I’m just tired. this is a person that i use to run his bath water for, along with cook, clean, iron… whatever his heart disired. If you take a step back and look at the walls in my house there are bents and holes from him throwing things or shoving me into the wall…
No one accpects this from me… no one. They always say your so strong… your so independant… I lost my back bone when it came to him.
I need to get out of here
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I just wanted to write a little follow-up note to tell everyone that time definitely makes things much easier and makes you much stronger! For years, everyone kept telling me to stay away from him, cut out all contact, but as you can see from my previous posts, I continued to be brainwashed into thinking that he was the only way I could have a healthy life. We have been “broken up” for six months but until a few weeks ago, we continued to see each other here and there. Even talking to him made me feel bad about myself, I had to lie to everyone else in my life because I was too ashamed to tell them I was even talking to him, much less seeing him. The verbal abuse continued, here and there, and then one morning, he hit me again. He didn’t hurt me but he definitely opened my eyes to the fact that if I kept playing with fire, I would eventually get burned.
Finally, my brother had open heart surgery and he called that day, asking me why I sounded so down. I told him about my brother having surgery and he actually told me that my brother wasn’t very nice to him so he didn’t really care if he lived or died. That was the end of it – he finally crossed a line. I took the abuse, verbal and physical, but it wasn’t until he said that outloud that I realized what an awful, heartless, and evil person he truly is!
So, for the last few weeks, when I think about him and think I want to talk to him or see him, I think about what he said and it makes me remember that I don’t want trash like that in my life!
And for the last few weeks, other things in my life have prospered! When I don’t talk to him or deal with him, I have so many more joys in my life! My relationships with family and friends are stronger and happier! It is easier said than done, but the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, and the best revenge I could have ever given him, is to forget I ever knew him, close that chapter of my life, and move on!
Hang in there everybody who is suffering, scared, hurt or confused because you too have the inner strength to find yourself again and be the strong woman that God made you to be!
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Dear Faith,
I was so sad to read your post. I wish that I could tell you to run, leave now. I know that is much easier said then done. You have to really take the time and decide what is right for you. Do you really think he is going to change? Many abusers never do. They have to make that commitment. The sad part is that even if he never hit you again, the damage has been done. You will never really feel safe with him again, he has violated that right. If you can, leave on your own if he will let you, tell him you need time to heal from what has happened. Let him prove to you he really wants to change. He must do it for him, not you. He has to want from from himself.
No matter what you decide to do, it should be what you want, not him. This is your life, you must set the ground rules. You do not deserve this at all. If you have somewhere safe to go, take the time to be apart, it will clear your mind and chances are you will not return.
Let me know how we can support you during this difficult time. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please don’t worry, I will never email you directly. it is safer if you are with your abuser.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Rebecca-
I cant believe that I am writing this but something is telling me that I need to reach out to get all the support I can at this time.
I have changed my name just to be careful.
I am currently in an abusive relationship. I have been with my husband for 12 years. Within that 12 years my husband has been very emotionally abusive to me. I have endured more than any human being should endure in a life time. On ocassion my husband would get physical but only when our fights got to be very bad. Now and in the last year the physical abuse has gotten out of control. Besides battleing the abuse, I have also had to battle the emotional abuse and battle the fact that my husband has had many affairs. I can go on and on and would like to with you in private.
But my question now is do I stay or do I go??? I read your quote on why do people stay when they are getting abused and that is me to a T. But now after some things have happened my husband says he now wants to work on it and that he can change. I dont know what to do. Or even where to start. I am beat down, sad, lost, frustrated, angry and I have nothing left. Where do I start?
“Faith”
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Wow, even a few days after I first read this comment it stuck with me, when you said, “we have made up but my hero was gone.” That says alot in a few words. We must all understand how are quick actions can have such lasting effects. Thanks for sharing such a difficult time in your life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Erika,
Thank you for taking the time to post. You sound like a hell of a lady, it takes a strong person to live with what you have and come out so strong on the other end. It sounds like you learned to be strong and just take the abuse for many years. I agree that this does make you who you are today. Thank you for sharing some of the worst times in your life with us and for showing others that you can make it out and be stronger than ever. I encourage others to click through to your blog as you deal with the abuse and pain associated with Firbo FMS.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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There are times that I look back at my life and wonder how I ever got to where I am today. I got married young and very fast. I had only really dated my ex for 3 months before we got married and a month before our first anniversary we had our first child. Everything seemed to be going fine before the baby came. We had started our own business that we were already making a profit off of and doing very well. The baby was on the way and it was the first for us both, even though he was 37 to my 21. The age difference never bothered me, I just figured I was fortunate to find someone who loves me and wanted the same things that I did. I was in charge of the house hold. Paying the bills, managing the bank accounts, keeping the house clean, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking and basically everything else there is in life, while he went out and did the physical labor. Mind you I did all the finances for the business too. So he literally only did the physical work. After the baby came I figured I’d get a little more help. They say sleep when the baby sleeps and this way you will get rest. Well I wasn’t able too because I had all the other things to do as well as take care of the baby so I was getting no rest at all. Maybe 3 hours here and there if I was lucky. Finally one day I had had it. I just started screaming like a lunatic. The next thing I know I have the back of his hand across my face while I have the baby in the carrier in my hand. Of course this was the first time and it was all “I’m so sorry” “It’ll never happen again” responses. Being young, I thought ok, no big deal. I’m tired and he’s stressed out we can get through this. We had a couple more incidents like this and I was done. He said let’s go to counseling. I thought that this was my chance to get him to change and be the man I married again. Well, we went and the therapist said that we just needed to compromise. The only thing that the Ex complained about was not getting enough sex since the baby came. I said that I was not getting enough rest and that I really needed help and I couldn’t do everything by myself. The Dr. Said, why don’t you help her around the house and maybe she would not be so tired and you two could have some “adult time.” He also said that he thought we could handlt this on our own and he really didn’t need to see us back unless we wanted to. Well the Ex started saying that the Therapist only wanted our money and he had nothing good to say to help us with our problems. When what really happened was the Dr didn’t tell him what he wanted to hear, so the Dr was full of crap in his eyes. Well his mother jumped right to his defense and she didn’t think that he needed to do anything. So that was the way it was. I wanted another child as I always wanted 2 around 2 years apart. Things were better a little but at least he wasn’t hitting me at this point. So, we got pregnant and he stopped helping me again. His mother told me when I was 8 and a half months pregnant that I wanted this baby and that I needed to stop complaining because I did this to myself. So I did and I never complained from there.One day we were arguing and his brother and cousin came to the door. The brother took one look at me and turned around and walked away. The cousin attempted to get him to leave and calm down. Well I at some point he spit on me. I got away and cooled off after this, so I would not lash out and get myself into trouble or upset my children. When I came back in, he started yelling at me again and proceeded to rip my glasses off my face. At this point I am blind so I smack him in the chest. Hes going to call the police. I told him if called he would go to jail for spitting on me. So he calls and tells the officer that “Yeah, I spit on her first, so what” he got arrested. Stupid me goes and gets him out of jail. Not before his mother calls and yells at me for calling the police, which I didn’t. The proceeds to tell me it’s all my fault because I say things that I should not say. Like help me?!
I finally got away but I got the abuse from his whole family. Which is probably why I really did not understand what was happening at the time. Now that I am away from it all, it is easier to see.
I don’t really think of it all much, but I know that I would not be the person I am today with out it, so I can not change the experience. I really hope no body else has to experience this but maybe hearing and venting it from your site will help inspire more to make a break for it and save themselves too.
Love You,
Erika
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So the other thing I’d like to share on abuse only happened once and we both know all it takes is once.
When I was still living at home with my dad, we had gotten into an argument about my dog. His name was Teddy and he could not figure out how to use the restroom outside. Well one night he had made yet another mess and I had punished him.
My dad came out of his room to find out what was going on because the dog was inthe bathroom whining and my stepmother was trying to sleep. We started arguing and I got so mad that I brought my hands up to my face.
The next thing I know is my dad has me by the throat up against the kitchen counter. I started screaming and my sister came in from the laundry room. This 5 foot nothing little girl shoved my dad a 250 plus pound man off of me.
I have had lots of therapy and have done lots of healing. My dad said to me that he thought that I was going to hit him and that was why he reacted the way that I did. Still wonder what my 100 pound self at the time could have done but whatever.
We have made up but my hero was gone. He has been gone for a while but I still love my Dad.
Ever since then I have had many people grab me by my throat. Once I blacked out and when I came out of the trance the guy was picking himself up off he ground.
I can’t stand anyone coming anywhere near my neck to say the least. Not even in a friendly or romantic way. This is how I knew Chris is the one. He touched my neck one day and I had no reaction. I know that he will never hurt me in anyway if he could help it.
Hugs and Kisses
Erika
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Dear Erika,
Wow, I can’t imagine that. My son is bipolar and we found out when he was around 12. You are right, knowing an illness helps so much. For years I just thought I was a horrible mother, everyone said I was too easy on my son, that is why he acted the way he did. I felt guilty because I thought he developed this illness because of the abuse he had seen so young, still do.
You feel the need to project that little baby in you from day one. You are a good mother. I was glad to hear that you were able to mend things with your mother.
Love you too,
Rebecca xoxo
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Hi Rebecca I found your blog and want to share with you a story.
Being a mother as you know is hard work and to add abuse to it just makes it that much harder, as if dirty diapers and midnight feedings weren’t enough already.
When I was pregnant with my first child, my mother was living with me and my former husband. I was placed on bedrest because I was spotting and they were afraid that I may have had an abrupter.
Well my mother is bi-polar and was having a bad day. We got into an argument that went very bad, very quickly. We went from yelling to her shoving me and then ultimately punching me in my stomach.
I was terrified that I was going to lose my baby. We obviously told her she had to move out. (which we have repaired this relationship). I went to the hospital for a check up as I did not want to take any chances.
Everything turned out fine for me that day and today I still talk to my mother but we did not know that she was bi-polar at the time. Knowing an illness and seeking treatment is the best way to understand and help each other. I admit, if I was not pregnant I would not have told my mother to move, but I could not take a chance.
Love you,
Erika
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Dear Dawn,
Thanks for letting everyone know about your blog. Blogging is a great way to help yourself and to support others. I will definitely add you to the blogroll. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am a Survivor of abuse. I love to write and share my story. I love being there and helping others. I have an abuse blog-http://solegroup.blogspot.com/
I’d love to be added to your links and I will add you to mine!
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Dear Robyn,
Thank you, we have become one supportive group. I have been to your blog often too, it is a great resource for everyone.
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Random,
A man does not deserve to be hit for any reason and you need to make that clear too. I agree, if she hits, leave. She doesn’t deserve you to stay.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Robyn,
I appreciate you kinds words and for taking the time to post. We all have that mission in life and this is mine, to support others in the aftermath of abuse, let them know that they are not alone and support is just a click away. I have read your blog often and you are in deed a great resource to me and others. I encourage you to post as often as you like. I feel that all of our stories together are what made others strong. They see if we can do it so can they. Passing on our wisdom is the great gift.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I have posted your blog on mine, for my followers (private and public) and readers to view.I also have a blog dedicated to abuse and educating society (especially women) as to what abuse is! I feel there is a misconception and so many unaware victims out there who need help but who are ashamed to ask or who don’t know they are being abused. Thank you for such a wonderful blog, I enjoy reading it.
abusemom81
http://www.abusedmom.blogspot.com
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Dear Denise,
Yes, if the person really wants the change they can. You can not want them to change, they must want it.
I found a site with some helpful information for you. I encourage a women that feels he may change to support him, just never stop putting your safety first. There is hope, even if he won’t change, you can.
I encourage women who have a spouse that sought help and has stopped battering to post here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Counseling Services: http://www.amendinc.org/ (sorry can’t get blog to link to sites today)
AMEND provides treatment for men voluntarily seeking or court-ordered into domestic violence counseling. Following an intake assessment, AMEND’s counselors design a treatment plan to help the client eliminate physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. The treatment plan focuses on identification and awareness of the problem; taking responsibility for the abuse; enhancing self esteem; building anger management, conflict resolution, communication, stress-management skills; and remaining chemically free. Specific group sessions discuss family of origin, addictions, sexuality, irrational beliefs, gender stereotypes, parenting, and more. Clients are seen weekly for individual or group sessions. Each session begins with a check on any current use of violence/abuse and alternative coping skills successfully utilized.
AMEND offers specialized counseling for those seeking anger management, parenting classes, Christian-based counseling, culturally-diverse group counseling and advocacy services for victims of domestic violence. We currently have offices located in Denver, Adams, Arapahoe, Douglas, and Jefferson Counties. All counseling services are offered on a sliding-fee scale.
I found this article on the site, the story brings the hope you may need.
My name is Tom.
I’ve had four domestic violence charges in my life which have changed my life drastically. I truly believe my past aggressive behavior was due to a learning process as a child, causing a lot of anger in myself, alcohol and drug abuse as a teenager through junior high and high school leading to fighting through irrational thinking, alcohol abuse from age 18 to 37 through both my marriages, which in turn led to divorce in both of them.
I do know that we can’t change the past. However, my physical and mental abuse to both of my ex-wives and four children, two of which are my natural children and two are stepchildren, could have all been avoided only if I knew then what I know now. I truly feel that no one, including pets, should live in fear in their own home. There is plenty of that to deal with outside our homes. We should feel that we have a safe place to go and feel comfortable and not on edge.
With my last domestic violence charge, I was expecting to go to prison and lose everything I had worked for my whole life. The judge ordered that I stay in the domestic violence classes with AMEND that I had started three weeks prior to my sentencing, a fine, and of course probation. I felt very lucky.
Before I started the domestic violence class prior to my sentencing, I totally evaluated myself. I put myself in my ex-wife’s place, my children’s place and my friends’ place. I felt real bad about hurting the people that were the closest to me. The sad part for them and to me is that they all hung in there with me as I continued to hurt them. I’m sure they expected that I would change. And I did not, not until I realized that alcohol, which led to my irrational thinking, such as jealousy, blame, and justifying all my irresponsible behavior, was a major contributor to most of my problems.
I realized at this point that the only one that could change me was me. I got tired of being involved with the court system, and decided I needed to take control of my life the best I can. I quit drinking . . . after all, I would only be cheating myself if I had not quit.
Through communication skills and learning to slow down on snap judgments, trying to understand where the other person might be coming from – this helps in family communications and also in general, everyday conversations that we all go through – I have realized that there are a lot of angles to the truth, not only mine. In turn I think it is very important to think things through with understanding before acting. I think a good example of trying to put ourselves in the other person’s place would be driving down the highway with someone tailgating and in a hurry. Maybe this person has a medical emergency of some kind or is just late for a meeting. If at all possible, I think that we shouldn’t play road games and let this person go by. There is no reason to be angered by this. It just may set the tone for the rest of the day or night, which in turn may backfire on us.
Another example would be a person physically or mentally abusing a person including a child or pet. If the abuser would stop and think of how they would feel on the receiving position, I think they would see that it is a very scary and confusing place to be – trying to understand how someone they could love so much, would treat them so badly. This will break down the trust and openness in a relationship of any kind, and gradually may lead to arrest, divorce and even death.
I think one way to deal with anger in this situation is to catch it before it escalates into something that we may regret for along time. Remember, once something is said, it’s hard to take back.
When I was younger, in elementary school, I would see my father physically and mentally tearing my mother down. This seemed like night after night, after the bars closed to 4 or 5 in the morning. My mom would never argue back for being in fear that she would get hurt physically by him. I felt real bad for her. All the time this was going on, I was learning this is the way to control someone through fear. As I got older I was turning into the kind of person that I had learned to hate. I really feel I was using alcohol and drugs to escape what I really should have become. I turned into someone who was always looking for a confrontation of some kind and hoping it would turn into a fight.
We all have options in our lives, and we are the only ones who can control our actions. We need to take responsibility for our actions . . . no one else can. However, I do know if we continue to make poor choices, the courts will gradually take control of our lives, and once we’re in the system, the only way out is to complete our sentence, unless we want to look over our shoulder for the rest of our lives.
Through the years, I didn’t think there was anything to change in myself. I always thought it would never happen again, I had a good grip on myself this time. But I didn’t, I always reverted back to my old self.
I was in an AMEND group for 3 1/2 years. I went for my mandatory 36 weeks, and was learning a lot about myself. I asked Nancy, my therapist, if I could stay, for I didn’t feel comfortable enough with myself. I continued to stay on Antabuse for a couple of years, which was my choice. Through the years in the class I have seen a lot of men go through the 36 weeks. I have yet to hear one of them regret being in the class. I have seen them get themselves back together and in return they are able to get together with their families on the right track, towards what a family life should be.
Not all men involved in domestic violence have families or are currently married; they may have abused a girlfriend, or wife which already may be a broken relationship when they start their classes. However, they do get themselves in the right direction for their next relationship through their own strong boundaries within themselves.
When I used to go to jail, I would think and say that she threw me in jail again. After I realized that the women I had been married to weren’t physically strong enough to pick me up and throw me in jail, I started to realize it must be my own behavior that got me there. This is when I was able to start working on myself at age 37. I sure have a lot of wasted years behind me, and this is the reason I stayed in the class.
Domestic violence affects everyone around us, right down to the police officer who makes the arrest. In my case, this is how alcohol, drugs, and domestic violence changed my life.
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I am reading some of the posts on here and I am curious. Do they ever change? Has anyone had any experience with their spouse abusing and then saying they want to get help and actually geting it and if yes does it help? Is there any hope?
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Dear Danielle,
Feel free to write to me at dreamfocused@earthlink.net, I would be happy to talk there.
I found a few sites that I hope can be of help to you: http://www.thecyn.com/drug-addiction/dealing-with-drug-addict.html
http://www.lifesupporters.com/forums/abuse-adults/living-alcoholic-drug-addict-597.html
Talk soon, Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Its been leading up to this,I have been telling you all about my abusive partners well I have one huge issue that wont go away.My mother, I have been needing help with the most at this point.I have a drug addicted mother. She has been this way even in my childhood.I need to be able to tell you and I fear there is not enough room here.I’m still being abused and dont feel comfortable putting it all here.Is there somewhere I can get to that would be a little more private? And keep us both safe?
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Dear Danielle,
I am so sorry, I have heard bad stories of the shelters as well. There are some good and some bad. My mission and goal in life, even though I never ended up in a shelter, was pretty much on the door when a friend took me and my son in, but I want to raise money to provide 3-6 months expenses for a women and her children to deal with the PTSD, get assistance for addictions, deep one on one therapy and life coaching along with getting on services to help with living expenses. Having to deal with addictions and get a job, find a home does become overwhelming and like you said somewhat forces a women to return home.
The hardest part for me with the aftermath, the silence, the guilt, the nightmares, the fear of him killing me when I walked to my car to go to work each day. The anxiety attacks, the invisible fear of him even with him gone.
As far as your boyfriend that can be hard, he can only support you in what you decide to do and listen. It may be best for you to share with others that understand, it may be too much for him to understand now. In time you will be able to share more. I have found that I tell my boyfriend things when they just bubble up, watching a movie where a man holds a knife to the women, anything like that tears me up immediately, even after ten years. If someone yells at me, (not him) really brings me to tears too.
The best thing that he can do for you is to just hold you when you need it and listen. His gesture to help you should mean so much. I promise if you keep searching online, get counceling, read self help to regain self esteem and listen to motivational materials and read you will peel back the layers and heal from what has happened to you. It is okay to breakdown and feel weak as long as you get back up again.
Women like you, me and others that have been through what we have are the ones that can and will make the difference in the women’s lives in the shelters. I do what I can and others do too. In time we can make the shelters the safe haven we all wish for it to be. We all need t do our part.
I am here if you ever need a shoulder.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
I came across an amazing blog recently called Sanctuary for the abused, it is at http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/ and I really think you will find assistance there as well. She has lots of good informative links.
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Rebecca there are a few things I would like to touch on with, First of all I’m very greatful that the womans shelter was there to get me out of the clear and present danger at the time it did.Thank goodness
however there are still some things that are hunting me about my experince there.I’ve learned that a good portion of domesic voilence victims have issues with substance abuse,most of the shelters dont even talk about or offer programs to assist with breaking free of that. and their is a time limit to get back on your feet which I feel is a cause for most us to go back to the same situation we left. And most of the staff in places like that seem cold and distant.It seems that the real problems that are deep dont even get touched on to deal with the problems at hand to prevent the same situation from reaccuring. All I was offerd was a place to stay some education about voilence,and miamal recources.I tried to apply for a job and made the mistake of letting that employer know my situation at the time and the response I got was we dont employ people like you because it puts all of our staff at risk.These are just some of the things that do come back to hunt me from time to time.
And sadly now when I do a resume I cant reall account for all the times I have’nt worked. Thankfully I have had this job for 2 years now. I need to get another one because I endure verbal abuse in the work place.
And emotional. I’ts real hard to the cycle.
Thank you for your time ,
P.S. my poor boyfriend is trying so hard to me but he just does’nt know what he can do to help. He has never been through this before Danielle
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Dear Danielle,
I had a chill run down my spine when I read your post. You are the real reason I started this blog so long ago. I remember craving a place to go to when I first started to seek support online. I first started in forums but it wasn’t what I needed. I myself lived with an abusive nut for over ten years. The abuse started within months and things got to the point of me almost being stabbed to death on several occasions. I have been gone now over ten years and my nightmares only ended a year or so ago. The fear doesn’t leave overnight. Sadly I felt for every year I stayed I seemed to hold onto the fear.
Writing and reading has helped me recover more than anything. We never forget but we learn to cope. Being with a good man helps so much. I only met my wonderful man after being alone over ten years. My biggest fear was telling him what I had been through, worried about what he would think, was I damaged goods. Would a man understand that this blog, mission and cause would always be a part of me and that when I see abuse on T.V. that I will often cry? He understood them all. After the man I was with my new man makes me so grateful to have found such a good man.
Trust is hard to come by and must be earned. I feel like a fully recovered women and my goal and mission in life is to support others to overcome the aftermath of abuse. I am never here to judge, just to be a soft place to fall. I will do my best to support you in any way that I can.
I hope that the other posts here will help you find what you are looking for. There are tons of great sites online and you will find those that suit you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
P.S. please thank the wonderful man in your life for taking the time to search for help for you online 🙂
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I have been a victim of abuse in every kind there is.And there is still things I’m just now learning about to help me heal.I have been away from an abusing Partner for some three or more years now. And still feeling the effects like it was yesterday . Thank goodness I have this wonderful Man by my side .He is the reason I have asess to this very helpful site you have. A week ago he brought over his lap top to me with this web site and said to me I belive this can help you and he is right. in time I will be sharing more with you when I feel I can trust a little more nothing against you . Just simply Thank you .
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Your site is a refreshing change from the majority of sites I have visited. When I first started visiting web sites I was excited by the potential of the internet as a resource and was very disappointed initially. You have restored my enthusiasm and I thank you for your efforts to share your insights and help the world become a better place.
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My English not so good but thank for lovely site with information I looking for and need also.
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ko i love her
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my girlfriend slaps me and if she does it again shes sooooo dumped
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Dear Student,
Thank you for asking. You can use what you like just make sure to give credit to the writer whether is is my work, Rebecca J. Burns and offer a link to the blog for support if you can. Offer credit to others work that you use too.
I wish you all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
The most widely used poem is My Name is Bobby
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Hi, I’m Nikki, and I’m a student at my near by College. I’ll be starting my A2 year soon, but at the momnet we are doing a “taster” prep thing for it which initially prepares us for the next year. I am a drama student and I was wondering if you would gi ve me permission to use some of your work as a Stimulus for a Devised Piece my group are doing about Domestic Violence.
Thanks for reading 🙂
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Thank you for asking, just give credit to Rebecca J. Burns as writer and if you use the photo D. Sharon Pruitt. I am happy that you have chosen to use this poem, it really seems to touch many. Best of luck to you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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hi my name is kirsty i am a year 11 tee student and would like to use ur poem of the young boy bobby in an assignment as i too am strongly against child abuse and would like to get across how bad the situation. i would need your name as the author and also ur permission to use ur work.
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safe to email
I have a son in law that has been beating my grandchildren with a belt and I was not raised like that and neither was my daughter and I can’t understand how she lets this happen and how he justifies to her that doing this is ok and I had suspected this, but never any proof until he admitted it in a conversation the other night not even realizing what he had admitted to. I have never gotten along with him because he is a control freak and when I try to discuss this with my daughter she says he is not..this proves it! I would like your advise how to handle this because if I go to my daughter and she tells him he will tell the boys if they say anything they will get beat more..and she always sticks up for him no matter what the issue is. I don’t think this happens alot but in my eyes once is too much!!!!
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