Readers; this is one of the most read posts on this blog. To help support other women and to help them find this supportive blog please link to this blog when possible. When you link here it increase the chance of it being found in search engines, again, allowing others to benefit from our support. My many thanks.
Scroll down and read the posts, this blog entry has become a supportive stop for women who are still living with abuse to those who are struggling in the aftermath.
Here are a few of the many warning signs:
Verbal Abuse/Mood Swings/Hypersensitive
He will start by calling you a dirty name or an idiot. After he apologizes, you will let it go. After a while you will tune him out which will let him know that he can continue with this behavior. One moment he will be loving and the next you will do something that will make him fly off the handle. Take the signs seriously; they may save your life.
Controlling/Blames others/Threats of Violence
Most times, you will not see these signs in the beginning when he is trying to impress you. You will begin to see him getting agitated when he lets his guard down and it may show up when he yells at the store clerk for making a mistake or yell at you for burning supper or showing up late. He may make a verbal threat to hurt you and then quickly dismiss it saying he was just kidding. This type of behavior does not get better without treatment and willingness to really change. Be aware that he can warn you several times that he may be physically abusive before he actually hits you.
Unrealistic Expectations/Blaming others
If he follows behind you while you do something to make sure, you have done it right. If he is a neat freak and expects you to be the same. This is very controlling. He will blame you and everyone else for everything that is wrong in his life. Nothing will ever be his fault and most times, it will be yours.
Cruelty to animals and children
This is a Hugh sign. If a man is mean to a child or an animal what on earth is going to keep him from hurting you? Do not allow in your life what you would never think of doing. Do not regret the damage this will do to the children you have now, or the children you may have together. Do not think that he will never harm his own children, just say NO.
The above are signs that I saw but never took notice of at the time. Looking back my husband had most signs of potential violence and he lived up to each and ever one of them.
More warning signs and words of wisdom:
Words of wisdom: Life will get better. You do not need a man to make you feel happy. Love yourself first and the rest will follow. Your children may never forget, but they will forgive. Find support anywhere you can. Most of all, staying in an abusive relationship only teaches our daughters to accept this treatment in their relationships.
╬ Warning sign: If a man tries to control everything in your life from what you wear, whom you can have as friends and when you may talk on the telephone be aware this is a major sign he is trying to isolate you. When a man keeps you completely isolated there is a strong sign he will be mentally and or physically abusive. He fears outsiders like family and friends will tell you that you are minimizing what he is doing and that you should leave. He will insist no one loves you as he does and will try to convince you your friends and family will turn you against him. He will insist they are just jealous of what the two of you have.
Words of Wisdom: The fear you have of how it will affect the children will soon become real. Do not stay because you feel guilty your children need a father. Do not stay because you are afraid you might die, or will not be able to survive on your own. Go. Go because of your children. Go because you are afraid you might die. Just go! Do not waste another day praying for the abuse to stop. Pray instead for the strength to put one foot in front of the other and live the life you deserve. Your children suffer if you stay and they suffer if you leave. At least if you leave your children will have the chance to heal and put back the pieces of their lives.
╬ Survival Tip: If you are planning to leave, hide important items you will need like spare car keys, birth certificates, social security cards, and a small stash of cash. You never know when the opportunity will arrive that you can leave. If possible, leave when your abuser is either out of the home or due to sleep for a long time. Be ready. Since you never know when the moment will be. Never, ever let your abuser know you are thinking of leaving, it could cost you your life.
Warning Warning!: If a man you just met quickly pushes for a commitment, like only seeing each other can be a major signs of potential abuse. At first, his attention will seem a sweet loving gesture because he has fallen head over heels in love with you. It can become a harmful situation to get escape.
Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
If you want a direct email response you must note that it is safe for you to receive email on this topic. Women still in abuse should never let abuser know she is talking to others about the abuse, it could kill you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
The following was left from Lisa J. Peck a blog reader/writer and it fits well here too:
excerpt from Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom
In the afternoon, as the quiet of the old house wrapped around her, she thought she would do the assignment that Judy had requested. Make a list of the problems she had with Brad. Once she got started it began to flow from her pen.
1) I lose a sense of identity with him around.
2) He often engages in revenge, going for where it hurts.
3) Physical Abuse—hitting, throwing things, breaking things.
4) Verbal Abuse—name calling—sometimes really crude ones.
5) Spiritual Abuse—“I am the man and the leader of the home, therefore you will do as I say.”
6) Crazy Making—He says something then denies saying it.
7) No Empathy—even in the process of trying to get back together with me, he does not consider my feelings or my concerns, much less my fears.
Controlling—I’ve never known how much money we have. I can’t do anything without his permission. I can’t even choose what kind of milk to buy.
9) Involves the children with our problems.
10) Doesn’t take ownership for his mistakes or issues.
11) Blames me for all our problems.
12) Drains my spirit when I’m around him.
13) Doesn’t trust me—constantly accuses me of having affairs, etc.
14) Doesn’t see me for who I am.
15) He often changes the “rules” of our relationship.
16) Chauvinistic—thinking a man should be served by women.
17) Image focused, so worried how he appears to others.
18) Has to get his way in everything all the time no matter how small. It is as though “getting his way” is more important than the issue itself.
19) Unable to bond. He has never connected emotionally with me.
20) He is not safe to be around. I never know what he will do or when. Very unpredictable.
Why in the heck had she stayed with that man!? By leaving him, she had chosen happiness. It had to be her choice, and she had made it. Now she was on her own. If she turned back, then she’d be returning to where she’d been. She had heard that most women who leave their abusive husbands go back. She prayed not to be one of them. She couldn’t do this alone with five kids, but with God, maybe she would be successful—one moment at a time.
She walked over to her window and looked out at the swing set. As she watched the swing move slightly in the wind, she thought that maybe with the knowledge she had gained, she could go out and serve others. Now if she could get over the next couple of hurdles, she’d be ready.
Dear Jenna,
Can’t thank you enough for your comment, it is so true, we don’t want to offend so we tolerate. I took knew on first dates if there would be a second, rarely was there. I knew what I would want after years of abuse and my warning signals go off early than most. You must always go with that gut it is there for a reason.
Woman need to heed this advice always, men too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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These responses had me in tears! Most of my relationships have been verbally and emotionally abusive (one of them threatened physical violence towards not only me but my family, but I was able to get out before they ever acted on it). I think learning to recognize the signs and trusting your gut feeling are very important. For me, I recognized some of the signs early on, but ignored a lot of them and kept making excuses… I was so down on myself and numb that I even believed these men when they would would belittle me, tell me I was so ugly and pathetic no other man would want me, that I was stupid (I graduated top of my class), and would make everything my fault (even things that happened before they knew me!)
I now ask myself, even if I was these things (which I don’t think I am), why would they waste their time on someone so terrible, rather they go get a woman that was beautiful, brilliant and wonderful to be around?
I recently went on my first date in nearly two years, and before the date was even over I could recognize that this man was no good and didn’t deserve my time. He was “nice enough”, but I was picking up on some red flags and my inner voice saying that something just wasn’t right (and on a first date, nevertheless). Sure enough, when he asked me out again and I declined he got very irate with me, calling me names, trying to guilt trip me and telling me how much I ruined his weekend. My first instinct was to comfort him and “make things right”, but I had to pull myself back, say “NO” (to myself) and not even respond to his behavior. He emailed me apologizing and when I didn’t respond, he got irate again. I had a little bit of guilt about ignoring him (crazy to even feel guilty about something like that, I know), but it quickly faded away. Sadly it feels like I still attract this kind of man, but I feel like a much stronger person now than I was a few short years ago… and no longer ignore the signs or my intuition.
Thank you for this site!
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You are right,Rebecca. I will try my best to help others.
Keep up the good work! It is truly inspiring.
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Dear Baldeep,
Thank you for your kinds means, they mean a lot to me. I see what you are doing too, great work, keep it up. It takes all of us to be able to bring DV to the front of the line. If you help one woman to leave or help one during the aftermath it is all worth it. You help by doing what you feel you need to do. Many feel they are the only ones that live the way they did or do now, we help them know we understanding, sometimes understanding is all we can do and all that is needed.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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You are doing a great job here Rebecca.I am truly touched. I made a very small attempt to create awareness about abuse on my blog,an issue i feel very strongly about.
More strength, courage and love to you. I understand what you are doing is tough. You have truly inspired me to do more in this area. Please let me know if i can help in any way.
God bless you and your readers.
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Dear Worried,
Hello….. no, he is having the signs and from what you say is already abusive. You searched online for someone to agree with how you are feeling, our guts tell us the truth. Yes, there is very strong potential he will become physically abusive to you and soon. Verbal abuse often escalates to physical and if he drinks or uses drugs, it is most certainly your future.
Now the question is this, do you keep thinking you are overacting or do do you decide your life and your child is what is most important? You are the one that decides what you life will be, who will be in it. You are the mother, you are the keeper of your child’s safety.
Be safe always.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I may be overreacting, bt after reading through a few stories, i have become a bit worried. I have been married for 3 years this year,we have 1 child,my husband loves our son but gets irritated very quickly by him. A few months after we got married, my hubby changed, he gets annoyed by almost anything, when he gets drunk,he threatens me by sayin ‘if u weren’t female id hit u’ he also has gtn into the habit of sayin ‘fuck off bitch’ everytime we argue. He has raised his fist to me twice already bt drops it b4 he can hit me, when he was drunk it happend the same bt this time he had scissors in his hand. He has hurt animals b4. I constantly feel like i cnt tell him anything cos he will just end up gtn angry. If im even 5 minutes late, he will call me and get upset if i make a small detour. Tells me im either cheating or lying to him about y i wanted to take a walk. I prefer him nt being around. He is seeing a psychologist bt i think he is doing it for 1) the attention and 2) the meds. Wat do u think? Cud he have abusive signs or am i just overreacting?
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Dear No Name,
Thank you for sharing, I know how hard posting can be. You said it, leave, never look. I am happy that you are free, now make your life what you want it to be. I am sorry for all that you have gone through and still suffer with today. We all have an angel but we don’t always believe or know they are there. I wish you and your family all the best in life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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no name, less 2 years ago, i was dateing a guy , who theading me and my child , that he was going to kills us, he put has hand on my mouth , cant breaths, he slam me on the ground, i bast my lip, than he , put has hand on my mouth again, i pass out , than he put hashands on my neck , an said you knows what i could to to you, he hurt my child, he said god made him do this. probably i still have night mare, over its , i been thu alet. past 6 years. i tell my kids never let a guy hit you, their daddy hit me to, he made me loose my sec baby , i will never for give him, i very moody, no body can touch my faces, my comments to the poeple who get on this web, leave never look back, dont. when this happen is , i felt like angel looking out for me. he told me what to do , it was very odd, i felt like was going to die,
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Hi Chris,
What you said. Exactly. I just had this discussion with a friend and when you can be happy being alone you will attract the right person. We need to push away what we dn’t want and attract what we do want.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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A good relationship makes you feel good about yourself whereas a bad relationship grinds you down and can turn you into someone you no longer recognise or like. Abusers often appear charming in the beginning and turn when they think they have you hooked.Apart from physical violence there can be neglect and emotional abuse, which can make you feel too needy or demanding to expect respect and affection, love and support. there is often pressure on people to be in a relationship as a source of comfort and companionship to stave off loneliness and boredom. If you feel happier alone take this as a sign that something is wrong here and this person is not contributing to your life in a positive way. People can lift you up or drag you down to their level. Ultimately you have a choice about entering and remaining in a relationship, and the healthier you are to begin with, the better your chance of attracting someone decent.
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Dear Anonymous,
thanks for reaching out. I can’t be sure how you should handle this. Is this a man that you can sit and actually talk with? Would a genuine letter of how you are feeling wake him up. You have to stand your ground or you will eventually crumble and break down. Someone who loves you should put how you feel first. What do you do? You decide, is this going to change, is this how I want to live? You already work, what is really keeping you with him? Sit with a large pad of paper and just write until you can’t write anymore. Pros and cons of your life. It will be a real eye opener. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing and how we can support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I feel like I cant say anything because it hurts his ego and I dont get any space from him at all.Yesterday I walked basically into an arguement without seeing it first, I work nights and My husband is a very needy person thats hoiw he acts towards me its frustrating not to have space so I increase my hours at work to get away to get my space.I dont know what to do he controls me constantly I cant sleep because he wont allow it for me to rest when I really need it Lately Ive been thru surgery and I have seizures Im experiencing med issues so I dont feel well hes always gripping all I do is sleep I work 40 plus hours aweek graveyard shift he doesnt work.he grips more than he enjoys just being around, I stay at work to avoid his rath of verbal bashing, What do I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Dear Afraid,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. This is the time to get out. Can you get far way? I too fear for your safety. Is there someone you can talk to in person? You may need a protection order. I encourage you to call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-888-743-5754. I pray for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I’m a 21 yr. old student. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. has become very abusive to me for the past 4 mo. This only happens when he is drunk & he brings up issues n our relatinship that bothers him only then. I’ve told him repeatedly how unhappy I’ve become by the mental and physical abuse when he is drunk. Yesterday was the worst. I thought he would strangle me to death. I’m pregnant & want an abortion. That’s why he flipped out while drunk. He says since I’m killing his baby he’ll kill me.
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Hello Av,
Such sad words to read. I encourage you to read what you wrote here a few times and day and say….time to leave. He is the poisen, if you have a way to leave go now and don’t look back. I am so sorry to hear that you and your little girls are living this way. Do you have somewhere you can go?
Write again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi I am in a relationship where the guy is telling me all the time that I am poison, making him feel bad, he is very negative towards any idea I have, blames me for everything wrong in his life, was getting drunk and calling me really bad names, everything I do is wrong, when I try and stick up for myself (saying he is being negetive) he says I am horrible person, terrible human being I should kill myself,
Blames me for how he feels, just because I disagree with what he says, demands that its my turn to make dinner, I don’t do anything around the house,
He sits on the couch mostly every day watching dvds,
Keeps bringing up that my past boyfriends felt like him, I am crazy, poisen to everyone.
We dont do anything together our relationship consists of sitting on the couch watching movies.
I have two young girls from a marriage, and he singles the youngest out,
dont know what to do
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Dear Amy,
You were on my mind since I read this yesterday. Your marriage can be saved and you have the ability to stop the issues you are having now. Remember, we show others how to treat us by what we tolerate from them. You sound like other than this issue you have a great marriage and a great man. Take my suggestions and work them in to something that will work for you.
I would suggest that you take out a pad of paper or a journal and write a list of toleration’s. Toleration’s are things that you tolerate, do, accept, even though in your gut you don’t want to. You do it to make peace or because like me, we don’t want to rock the boat.
That stops today. After making this list write a letter to yourself explaining that you will never tolerate these things again. This stops today. This letter is to remain private, your eyes only.
Then I want you to draft out a very sincere letter to your husband/mate. Write the letter only coming from a place of love so he will hear and feel that. Don’t vent your anger at other issues, deal with this. I created a sample for you, you it or write a fresh one on your own, that would be best. This will just give you an idea of what should help.
Dear Husband,
I am writing this letter to you because I love you more than anything and want to spend my life loving you completely. I want a marriage based on respect and unconditional love for each other. I wanted to talk about something that really hurts me in my gut and stays with me for days. I do not want this to grow between us because if it continues it will put a wall up between us that we may never be able to tear down. I must ask you this, how you do you feel when you pinch my arm or hold it, preventing me from leaving a room when I have asked to or how upset you are if I spend more than a few dollars. I wanted to share with you from a place of love how it makes me feel.
I feel scared, held against my will, anxious and disrespected by you and not valued in this home. I wish and want for you to accept that I am not you. Sometimes I need 5-10 minutes to walk away and clear my head before discussing something with you. If you asked to do this I would understand and let you leave. I am a part of this family and need to know that I can spend what is needed for me too without the guilt of taking care of me and our home.
Please understand I am writing my feelings to you out of love for both of us. I would love to hug you and start fresh in this area and talk openly without fear of what may be said. I want a relationship of love and most of all, respect for each other.
Again, this is just an idea to get you thinking. I often suggest that you write the letter and edit it until when you read it again, you feel the love back that you have for this man. That is what you want to have him feel too. Maybe give him the card with a tiny present that you know reminds him how much you love him.
No matter what the outcome is, remember the toleration list you wrote just for you. Respect is important but you must insist that others treat you with respect at all times, if not, you need to decide if you wish to be with this person. Don’t allow anyone to ever disrespect you. By standing up for yourself now, while things are mostly good with your husband you will set the stage for a better life with him. If he is not verbally abusing you and physically or emotionally hurting you, this may just be a habit from him that can stop.
I wish you all the best and really want to know the outcome as this will greatly help others here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I love my husband very much. He comes from a wonderful family and treats me like gold. The only time things are bad is when I disagree with him. If we get in a fight I usually walk away but he will grab my arm and try to hurt me without punching or kicking. He will try and pinch me hard or grab my arm to get me to stay in the same room with him so he can argue with me. I have tried telling him that when we fight I need to sometimes walk away, but he won’t listen. He is an accountant and has total control over our finances. I feel so bad when I spend more than 5 dollars on anything! I just feel like always giving up fights just to avoid an argument and getting my arm hurt. I do not want to leave him I just want him to stop. I have tried telling him that I think he is showing signs of becoming abusive, because he was abused by his older brother. He calls me crazy and then tells me it’s my fault for getting him so mad. Please tell me what I can do? How do I make him realize this is serious and he does have a problem?
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I am sorry to long to respond, some of the posts got lost here. I am hoping you have moved on my now. Controlling is one of the first signs of abuse, someone trying to control you every move is not love.
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I need advice….encouragement….honesty.
I am 26 and happy with my life and what i am doing. i am with a man who is my age, i have only been with him for two months, but i am having some scared thoughts. We recently had an argument about him not being able to see me enough. I am in grad school and so is he but he also works fulltime. I have opened up my week so that we can see each other more. But here are the things that are bothering me. when we were talking about time management he started saying that this wasnt what he wanted if he could only see me in the evenings and then when I started to cry he said that he didn’t like my tone and that he couldnt handle me throwing drama at him while he was at work (because i was crying on the phone), and that maybe we should take a break, and I said ok, and he said, but then I cant call you my girlfriend. Anyways, i know this is long and I am rambling. But…the other thing was that we had a conversation after work and he told me that he didnt think I was headed to the same place…because he wants a house and a family in the next couple years and I am not even excepted in the phD program yet nor do i have a full time job in case I dont get in. He broke up with me, and i was really mad and didnt cry I just walked to the door. He said, “dont go…I want to be with you,” and then he hugged me and said, “why didn’t you just apologize” and i said “for what” and he laughed.
A family member was also visiting from across the country and he was constantly pressuring me to see him instead of spending time with her.
He calls me degrading names sometimes…not very often, but he also gets turned on by being rough with me, which sometimes i like, but sometimes when I really need affection like after that conversation…it doesn’t feel good.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe i am overreacting, it is really early in the relationship, and I really really like him and dont want to be with anyone else, but i also feel like there is something wrong. I don’t want out, but i do want advice.
I asked him this morning what he liked about me and this is what he said, “you are a very nice person, you are so sweet, you are cute, you are funny in a retarded way, you are soft, and you give great head.” and I said, “do you think I am smart?” and he said, “well i assume you are, I havent seen any of your academic work, but you are in grad school” and i said, “anyone can get into grad school…I want to know if you think I am smart.
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I am so sorry it has taken me so long to post. Your post is one of the really disturbing. You are in the beginning of the relationship and already so afraid. I beg you to get away now, the signs are loud and clear, you are being controlled, soon completely isolated. All the things that he is doing to you is typical of an abuser. If the only reason you are staying is because you are worried that you will get in trouble from police for breaking a restraning order is most likely just a trap to keep you. I suggest that you call the domestic abuse hotline for guidance.
If you end up being abused or killed, the other issues will see so small. I pray that you are able to leave, don’t stay.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I really need someone help. I just met a new man, and he has proven to be very controlling. It has been 2 months and already he acts like we are married. Here are some of the things he has done in the first month and a half to 2 months.
1) Calls me a hoe constantly, in front of anyone, even his family. Its very embarassing.
2)I was at his neighbours once and I was having a conversation with the neighbour, trying to be polite. He accused me of giving the man to much attention. ( I am 20, the neighbour was 40).
3)He freaks out when I look at people out the car window. One time we were at a chip truck geting fries and he snapped saying I was looking at the men in line when I was scoping out a bathroom.
4)He threatens me constantly.
5)He has pushes me around on three occasions so far. I had bruises on my neck and arms. He apologized, but told me what I could do to avoid that from happening. (Basically, no “sneaking around”, which I have never done.)
6)He always accuses me of cheating, doing drugs by myself, having people over late at night when he leaves my house.
7)Told me Im not allowed to go out with friends numourous times.
8)Always questions who is calling/texting me. I even prove to him its a girlfriend and he still doesnt believe me.
9)Accuses me of sleeping with friends that I have known for years, even girls!
10)Always thinks he is right.
11)Told me he has slept with other women because he knows I have cheated, and even threatens me saying he could get any woman he wanted.
12)I am very scared of his every move
Now, I know you are saying, it has only been 2 months! Get out! It isn’t that easy. I want out sooo bad. I do not care for this man one bit. But, here is the catch. About 5 months ago, my ex boyfriend and I got in trouble with the law. We are not allowed to speak directly, or indirectly. My now boyfriend found out through someone that I had contacted my ex a few months back, and now he is threating to call the cops if I leave him. If this happened, I violate my probation and I have been told that is up to 2 years. I am currently in college, Im holding down a great waitressing job. And I believe I am a good person in general. What do I do? I am to scared to tell anyone close to me my situation, because I am scared it will leak and he will find out I told people. Thank you.
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Dear Merry,
Odd name for someone so sad. As hard as this will be to hear you must go through this stage. I refer to it as the mourning process. You still love a man and miss him even though he treated you like crap on his shoe. I have been there. I would later learn it wasn’t him that I missed it was the idea of a man really loving and respecting me. I did all the back and forth like you did to. I had a little boy, ours, he was 5 when it finally ended.
My best advice is for once in your life, focus on you. When you daughter is gone, learn to be lonely. That was the hardest part for me, to sit in silence with my own self loathing thoughts. I played all the pain over and over. Then one day I realized that I had control over what would be in my head, not him. Who cares if he is suffering, he would be happy to know that you still are.
Sit and write down 100 things that you would love to do, don’t think of reality or money just dream. Then cross out the things that you know you won’t do in the next year. Then find 5 of the things that you could make a start at now. My suggestion is this, find out what makes you happy. Reading, painting, sewing, crafts, working with children, writing what ever makes the time fly and feel good about yourself. Take long hot bubble baths, have a glass of wine and watch a love story that makes you cry and dream of more.
The best thing that you can do to attract the right man of your dreams is to become whole, let a man deserve you, not the other way around. You attract what you deserve, you deserve more than what you have had.
Don’t think about a man being with you, I always suggest being along, sex and man free for a least 1 year. If not many woman fall for the first nice man. Love yourself and respect yourself first, the rest will come.
I know this because I was alone, totally alone for ten years. I just moved in with the most wonderful man to me. We met a year ago when neither was looking. He has all of the qualities that I wanted in a man. So, love yourself first, you won’t always be alone and sad. I promise. You keep in touch, nice supportive group here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am glad I stumbled across this information. I have been in a abusvie relationship w/a man on and off for about 5 years.
I didn’t know him from adam when we met, so I had no knowledge of his reputation nor his past. I told him I would find out on my own, based on his actions, they type of person he was. Well all was good for the first 6mths. I fell madly in love with him, he won my heart over.
At that time, my son comitted suicide and he was here in the house w/me when it happened. He tryed to do CPR on my son, however it was too late.
After that he moved in with me and my daughter who was 2 at the time.
RIGHT AFTER he moved in I noticed the CHANGE.
He was always edgy. Always angry and or mad at someting. He was a drinker, so was I AT THAT TIME, when he drank he got even worse. That is when the verbal abuse began and somewhat physical. I PUT HIM OUT. Refused to take his calls. He would leave nasty messages on my landline, so I terminated sevice and got a cell. I got him out of my life! HOWEVER as time went on, approx a year and a half, I thought of him everyday. I missed him. I made an excuse and called him to “help me move some heavy things”
That was all it took. From that day on he was back in my life daily. Again, I though he had changed. He had a good job and extra construction work on the side, then he began his own business with my help.
Again we moved in together, and slowly the verbal abuse began. In additon to the DAILY ACCUSATIONS that ‘I MUST BE DOING SOMEONE’ on my lunch hr from work or here and there. (like any woman would think of such a thing, having sex with a complete stranger in her car on company property with hundreds of other cars parked in the lot) anyhow, dealt with this daily, eventually losing all of my friends and some close family members. The more I gave the worst he acted. It was torture. Then he ‘BLEW UP’ again, of course he said not his fault, it was the bartenders who fed him shots in additon to the beer he drank for hours that day.
I got my child and got out. Gave it a few days, went back for my things and found HE LOCKED ME OUT (at that time we were renting a house toghter, I rented MY home out as JECKEL didn’t like the area of town mine is located in) anyhow, HE HAD TO BE THERE to “talk” to me while I got my things.
I listened, and again he had a ‘good story’ or so it
sounded, he was going to get help at AA. (it was going to be court ordered anyway I just did not know this then)
Time went on, 6mths he went to his meetings, but DID NOT WORK THE PROGRAM as he was still ANGRY DAILY. My daughter ended up hating him and I could see she was unhappy.
I finally put my foot down and told him she and I were moving to MY HOUSE and he could stay where he was. Of course he did not, he followed, I was surprised due to the fact of his HATRED for my neighborhood, (it’s not bad, he’s just a CONTROLLER)
anyhow as time went on he would not help with the bills, was miserable, angry all the time so I told him to leave. He got drunk came in and smashed up my belongings….luckily my daughter and I were not here.
You would think that was enough for anyone right?
Well a mth or so went by with no contact with him and I had a huge emptiness. So when he called “to talk” I opened my heart up again, but not my house.
Slowly the real Jeckell emerged again, but I thought as long as I don’t live w/him I can deal with it.
To sum things up, another episode happend as I would not budge when he tryed to convince me how one of my friends was such a “bad person” and I should not let her nor some of my other friends around.
Because I would not concede to him he got angrier and meaner. I told him to leave, he did not. He followed me around MY HOUSE getting louder and angrier as I was not ‘giving in’ this time.
That is when he snapped.
He tryed to put a cig out in my face, I turned and it got tangled up in my hair. I somehow managed to get it out w/out my hair going up in flames. He then
snatched me by the head of my hair, wadded me up, spit in my face then tryed to kiss me, then tossed me across the room.
MY FEELINGS since this ‘latest’ inncident are of depression, isolation, sadness and lonliness. I have no desire to ‘do things’ or meet men at this point.
I have little motivation, other than to do only what I have to, and find somedays even that is hard.
I am so sad and feel like I am the lonliest person in this town and do not know what to do to ‘get better.’
I do not know how to turn things around and start living again.
I have alot of time in my life where it is just me as my daughter goes w/her dad every weekend. This last week she spent some vacation time with him (5 days) and I did next to nothing other than a few trips to the store and spent some time w/my mom, who is supportive of me as she has lived this life. She said she will do anything she can to help me move on and heal.
Do you have any thoughts on how I can start feeling like living life again?
What adds fuel to the fire is I know this does not
affect him as it does me. He seems able to “continue life” as he always has and probally has another female around already. This absolutley blows my mind because the LAST thing I want to do is
bring someone into my life who can destroy it. It’s not that simple for me.
Please help me as I am so tired of being sad and alone. I have no idea how to “make new friends” however this is what I need to help get me through the lonley times.
Thank you.
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This information on “how to” recognize domestic abuse and the following comments and experiences is invaluable! I know so many young people in marriages who need this information! They are being abused, controlled, and unloved but cannot see it! I was in two abusive marriages, and I know the signs well now after 30 years of counseling on and off. After sitting there and having a counselor TELLING ME what was happening with my mate, well I was delivered from the mistreatment and violence. The emotional abuse has taken longer to heal than the physical violence. Getting the children out is the most important issue! Get those kids out of there! They are hurting more than you are! They are learning to be abusive, or to allow themselves to be abused! They are learning that no one will help them and that no where is safe. They will learn to fear life and it will take decades for that lesson to be reversed, if it ever is. And if they learn the abuse, if they become like their abuser, you will live with the guilt all the rest of your life that you didn’t leave!
I am 51 years old, and I see the ill effects in each of my 3 adult sons because I stayed too long. The oldest is an abuser, even though he doesn’t want to be. He controls his wife completely! I don’t know my middle son’s wife well yet, but know that she is very jealous which is a bad sign. My youngest son is married to a female version of the description at the very top of this page “warning signs a mate may become abusive”. It unfolds before my eyes and I can only wait and hope that he is moved to save himself. As for my oldest son, I feel sorry for his wife. She is abusive too, controlling and the most jealous person I have ever met.
That is why I say, GET THE CHILDREN OUT!. DON’T HAVE ANY IF YOU HAVE THE CHOICE, BUT IF YOU DO HAVE THEM, GET THEM OUT. Thirty years later you will know you did the best thing for them.
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Dear Tammy,
It broke my heart when you wrote, I can’t wait until the kids are old so you can move on. I pray you don’t wait that long. The damage of staying many times outways the damage of leaving. I waited until my son was 4 and he still at 18 suffers with PTSD from the attacks he witnessed at such a young age. We are here for you. It is never your fault. Even the staying isn’t, it was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. I finally feared staying more than I feared the knife in my back if I tried to leave. When I realized I would prefer death of the life I had it was finally my last straw.
Keep in touch. You are always in our thoughts.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I am with a man that is described like every other man. My kids are treated like crap and like many other women I did leave and got away..he never knew…i went and got the kids out of school and got a hotel room. I didnt have a job at the time but i had my tax money…and not very much…I thought he would finaly get the hint. but once again he refused to leave my moms house. So I had no other option but to go back. He is very dangerous and is highly connected with dangerous people. I do fear for my life and my childrens life. He is ok some days but then his mood swings happen . I have been with him for 15 years and I feel it will never end. I don’t look for pitty I put myself in this. Iwas 18 and he was 26 but I didn’t know his actual age. He looks very young as I am looking so old due to all the stress and mental and physical abuse. He don’t beat on me on a daily basis but he’s knocked me around a few times and swears up and down he never laid a hand on me. I work as much as possible and try to stay out of his hair. I can’t wait until my kids are older and can move on. Well have to go he is coming.
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It is abusive when it makes you feel sick to your stomach and violated, when you have to post on a blog wondering if this is everyone elses definition of abuse. If you wouldn’t do those things to another person and you feel uncomfortalbe, after telling the person and it continues, it may not be your idea of abuse but if it crosses a line for you then you must stop it. Put your foot down and SHOW others how to treat you.
Put yourself first, always. This was a great question for this board, people often wonder if there situation is abuse. Again, if your gut is sick, think twice.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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How do you know when enough is enough, if no actual physical abuse to the girlfriend has happened? These are the things that are there: Harm to dog three times, mood swings, feeling of nothing is ever good enough for him, bad anger, always thinks girlfriend is being unfaithful, and his father abused his mother. But, what if he doesn’t care what the girlfriend wears? He does a very good job at making her feel pretty, he doesn’t follow her around to make sure she is doing things right, and he has never physically threatend her.
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Dear Mr No Name,
I struggled for sometime on whether or not to post your post. I think other women can relate to what you are saying. You speak the words of men that have abused them in the past.
Actually pretty sad what you wrote, that is your take on things. Still pretty sad.
Ladies, don’t be offended by this post, I thought it gives insight into why a man feels allowed and decent when being abusive.
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Dear Alicia,
Your email broke my heart, I could have written it word for word. Don’t be like me and stay until you baby is 4 and remembers details of him trying to kill you. I promise if you leave know you won’t regret it. Your daughter will have a happy mother and a great life. Staying, I promise you he will someday try to kill you. He has already shown you a taste of what he will do to you.
We show others how to treat us by letting them continue with abuse. Show him you won’t take his or any one’s abuse. You were put her for a reason and being with him certainly isn’t it.
Be strong and show you daughter that a mothers puts her child and her safety first. You are in my prayers tonight for real.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com
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I’m 20 years old and he’s 25. I met him when I was 17, a freshman in college. We got serious fast. Now I have a baby with him. She is 1 1/2. I’m confused on what to do. I want to leave but I love him. He hits me when he gets angry. Sometimes I feel as if I’m the one provoking him to hit me. As if I want to be hit.
He verbally abuses me daily. He doesn’t care if it’s in front of our daughter, he does it anyway. And she always starts crying, even as young as she is I know it affects her.
Just the other day he pushed me to the bathroom floor and kneed me 3 times while slapping the back of my head and then kicked me before he walked away. All in front of our daughter who was crying. He’s almost ripped my ear off and left scars there and almost torn out a patch of my hair. He makes me sleep on the floor whenever he’s mad at me.
I told him yesterday if he ever hits me again I’m leaving right away. But I’ve told him this in the past and after about a week he always hits me again.
I’ve asked him to get us couples counseling which never happened. I’ve asked him to take anger management classes which of course never happened.
He usually apologizes later that day or the next day. But when I ask him why he did it he tells me I deserved it or that I should watch the words that come out of my mouth.
He hasn’t worked in a year and we’ve been living off of his mom and the minimal amount of money I make from Temp jobs. Which I always use to pay his bills first and to please him.
He’s gone all the time with his friends. Leaving me at home to take care of the baby sometimes for 3 days in a row, only coming home at night to sleep and then leaves again.
I can move back in with my parents who live about 5 hours away. I’m planning on leaving this week because I will finally have enough money to drive away. I’m just sad and scared and depressed and I think about leaving him and it makes me feel sad.
How come whenever I’m really about to leave him he becomes so nice and wants to do things with me? Wants to be with me and stay at home and actually act like a family? It’s like he senses that I’m done with him. And he’s always just nice enough to reel me back in and make me believe that I really do love him and that he really does love me…then it goes downhill again.
How can I even want to stay with someone that hurts me like this? I hate him but I love him. It’s the worst feeling in the world. Just remind me I’m doing the right thing for my daughter and for myself…please.
It’s ok to reply to my e-mail. He has no access to it.
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I find this site or at the very least the wording herein to be blatantly offensive to men. As a man and a husband I take great pride in my wife and her achievements. I find myself on a daily basis thinking, often uncontrollably, about things to do for her to show my love and make her feel special. I will concede that statistically men are the aggressors, however many men are abused as well; whether physically, psychologically, or both it’s all the same regardless of sex.
I have been hit more times than I can remember mostly out of play, but enough times in reprisal. I am much larger (6′, 250 vs. 5′ 6″, 160) so I am not being physically injured to the point of needing attention, but I am still disrespected by this. Being condescended to (even if only in tone), lectured/reprimanded for “misconduct in public or in the audience of HER friends/family”, or simply told that I don’t love her or the baby and don’t want them drains from me the very life force that originally attracted her to me.
I sometime do think of just slapping the hell out of her… I really do and I want to, but I don’t because I love her and can’t bare the thought of her in any kind of pain to any degree. I can completely empathize with the desire to hit. I do not condone it.
I know my boundaries and have enough respect for and confidence in myself that I can leave anytime I see fit, but I love her and I know she loves me if for no other reason than the way we can make each other feel with nothing more than a look.
That being said sever abuse should never be tolerated, but if you are being abused in a less sever manner stop and ask yourself why this is happening and if you facilitate it.
If my wife were condescending to me and wouldn’t shut-up or leave me alone when I walk away and I lost it and hit her it would be her fault. She’s an intelligent woman she knows why I walk away when I do. I would still be ashamed of my actions, but it would be her fault!
Take this for what it’s worth. but please don’t make it into something it’s not.
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Dear Stacey,
So glad you wrote. You don’t deserve this, no one does. Once you realize that you deserve better you will start the process of leaving. Call the abuse hotline, that is what they are there for, especially since you don’t have children it may be easier to slip away without a fuss, so I pray.
I pray that you can leave before he stops you for good. You sound terrified and it really breaks my heart that I can’t reach out and snatch you away from him.
I don’t know your situation and don’t want to offer useless help. I plead that you call the abuse hotline at Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
They are best suited for helping you get out immediately, I promise to support you here as best I can. Keep in touch and let us know how you are.
You are in my prayers tonight Stacey. You are important, don’t let him make you think that you are not.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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We have no children. So I’m grateful for that. But it still hurts and it still feels impossible. He told me he loved me. I planned on spending my life with him. He is the great love of my life. So why? Why can’t he stop hitting me. I’m just going through the beginning phases of convincing myself that I don’t deserve this. I need help.
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I was lead to your site this morning, last night was a bad night. I have a blog on yahoo 360 and I sometimes feel the need to let my emotions out through information of what I am going through and what I can do at the same time to help others. My life is so hard sometimes. I am crying while I even this type this. My husband of 8 years is so cruel and controlling. He drinks alot, and sometimes I never know what my day will end up like. I tried 911 last year, they thought I was crazy. He told them I was. I said no, he is drunk, he has a gun, he is hearing voices. He always says I have ruined his life. That I use him for his money and that I live a great life. That is all that he see’s. Sometimes I have no food, he won’t buy any, sometimes he leaves me for days without a dollar to my name. He moved us away from our family an hour into the country, where there is no police department. No help. Sometimes I wonder if it is me, abut no matter how hard I try I can’t win. I can’t make a stand., I can’t do it anymore. I have nowhere to go. No way to get money to leave. I am caged and hurt. I am broken down and defeated. My tissues have turned to hand towels. I dont know what to do. Thank you for this website.
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Dear Pearl,
Your email was disturbing in so many ways. From what you have told me I am in fear for you too. The way yourhusband is acting is almost identical to my husband, the years before he became physically abusive. Your husband needs to take care of his own anger issues, that is not your job. You can’t make someone change. I will try and answer some of your questions.
Does a man who beats his wife really love her? I belive many do. I never doubted that my husband loved me, he just hated the man that he was. He loved out son more than anything but love isn’t always enough. You can still love a man that is abusive, many women do and that is why it is so hard to call it quits and finally leave him. The hardest thing for me to learn was that no matter how much I loved this man, I couldn’t change the way he thought and how he acted, I could only change myself.
What happens when two verbally and physically people get married? Yikes, definate drama. A woman wrote on this blog earlier saying that this is what she lived with, her and her mate would get drunk and beat on each other. This type of relationship is surely destined for bad things.
Do wife beaters do this intentionally or lose control? I can only answer from what I lived with. My husband was always drunk and on the verge of losing it so in my case he was just always ready to fight and belittle me. Anything could set him off. He never said that he was sorry, would later tell me he did love me but never that he was sorry. I did live with a stepfather that was a kind and gentle man, a teacher in fact and he would just lose it after weeks of drama in my house with my mother and several sisters. He would listen to it for weeks then without warning would blow. So I belive it can be intentional and a loss of control.
Can a woman drive a non-violent man to violence? It is certainly possible. I know of such a case where the woman is theangery, violent and abusive one. The man is very low key and tries his best not to get angry back but she pushes him wanting him to explode, that is what she craves for him to fight back. Once he did, police were called. Many men, like women stay trapped because they love their mate. So yes, you can push almost anyone to violence if they don’t walk away before it is too late.
Are there certain types of woman who attract abusive men? Most definately. I was one of them. I had lived in horrible daily mental abuse as a child and watched as my mom and sisters were physically abused. I wanted so much to be loved when I met my husband, who was 10 years older that I put up with things that I shouldn’t have. As the saying goes, you show others how to treat you. Read that one again because it makes so much sense. After the first week of dating when he didn’t show up for a date and I went to his place to find him passed out drunk in his bed a sane woman would have left. I didn’t becuase he loved me already and I wanted to be loved. The next week when he seemed to be drunk everyday I should have left, but again, didn’t. So he knew that he would have the chance to do what ever he wanted and I would stay. It took ten years for me to finally leave him. After trying to kill me 2 times finally did the trick.
Can a man change? Yes, but he has to want it, no one else can do it. I think not drinking for a alcholic or not using for a drug addict is one of the hardest things to do and learning not to be abusive and deal with anger can be almost as difficult. I have watched as my young son lost control after his father died. He was angery and explosive all the time and he wouldreally regret it after. After counceling and learning why he was so angry he slowly learned how to stop the anger before he did something bad, if a boy of 13 can do this then yes, so can a grown man, but again, he has to really want this, not just to save a marriage but becuase he really doesn’t want to be that way anymore. Most men wait until it is too late to change. They wait until the woman has had enough.
Last question: are there levels of violence that warrent staying? That is up to each person. For myself, know that I am a stronger woman, no, there is no form of ause that I will tolerate, name calling, belittling me, being just mean and disrespecting me are more than enough for me to leave. Once you learn to value who you are you will demand more from anyone you meet. I refuse to let friends or family treat me that way too. I learned to demand respect and as I said before, you show others how to treat you by what you will allow them to do. I do belive that the first signs of abuse of calling you names, then shoving which leads to physical abuse. I think that any man or woman that verbally abuses you has the real potential for physical abuse.
My last thought is for you: decide what you want in your life, how do you picture the rest of your life being? If it is this then you will stay and try to work things out. If you want to live in a safe place and let your guard down you will leave. I would suggest that you let him take care of his issues and you take care of getting some space from him. Read, go to counceling, ask him for some time away to clear your head. You really need it, especially if what you have already told me hasn’t been enough for you yet. I don’t want to see you get really physically hurt and the mental damage lasts so much longer I found.
You are worth what you decide you are worth. Put yourself first and the rest will follow. Demand respect, you are worth it.
I wish you all the best in life, keep in touch and feel free to email or post here again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com
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I am a 28 year old lady. Have been married for two years. My husband is very loving and caring but when he gets angry he does some strange things. He once broke the DVD player because i refused to go to bed and wanted to watch a movie instead. He also breaks other property in the house when he is angry and often abuses me verbally. He has beaten me up badly three times before and i forgave him because he is generally a very nice person but only does these nasty things. Once he even wanted to beat a friend of mine (a lady) because he didn’t want me keeping her company. He threatened me that he would stab her if i ever contact her again. I don’t like the way he talks…what kind of person threatens to stab someone? Anyway this last time about three months ago we had a row and he broke my things..jewellery and everything special to me…he even tore my clothes and underwear and then threw me out of the house. The next day he came to my workplace saying that he is sorry and begging me to go back home to him. I refused. I have had enough. I grew up in a very peaceful home and had never experienced such drama in my life. I am afraid that he will beat me very badly one day. He says he is willing to go for counselling and to do anything so that he can change and save our marriage because he loves me so much. I have some questions for you….is it possible for an abusive man to change? Are there levels of domestic violence i.e. is some violence less threatening and therefore does not warrant the termination of a marriage? Where does one draw the line? Is it possible for a man to be violent with one partner and non-violent with the next one? Are there certain types of women who attract domestic violence in i.e..does a man choose which women to be violent towards or is he violent to all his partners? If a woman is the type who talks back at a man and provokes him, can she drive a non-violent partner into hitting her? Do wife beaters do it intentionally or is it that they lose control when they are angry and regret it later? What happens when two verbally and physically abusive people get married…who is the victim in such a case? And my final question is…does a man who beats up his wife really love her??? Please reply on my e-mail address.
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Hello! Help solve the problem.
Very often try to enter the site, but says that the password is not correct.
Regrettably use of remembering. Give like to be?
Thank you!
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Dear Maureen,
I initially started this blog to support women who had left abuse to regain their self esteem, I had no idea how much I would be responding to women still in the abuse. I can only give advice from what I know and belive. You mentioned that he doesn’t hit you yet you state you have a large hole in your soul. That is damage too. Think of it this way, would you ever dream of spitting or throwing anything at your best friend? Chances are you say no, so why do you allow it from a man? I know this is really easy for me to say this now, now that I am free and stronger. If you want to stay and try to make things work you must, just must put your foot down and let him know that you won’t tolerate being treated this way, let him know you mean it and that you will leave, (only do this is you do not fear his anger) if you do fear his anger then that is just another sign that maybe you should leave.
Have you thought about a trial seperation? Would he go for that? Before too long if not already his self esteem issues will be yours too. Funny, my husband changed very much after I became pregnant, starting calling me fat pig and such. Really sad.
Honestly, I can tell you are a smart woman, if you reread your own post I think that you can answer all of your own questions. You stated: an emptry whole growing inside me, Feel I deserve better, he resents me, he isn’t physically abusive yet he pushes and spits on you (that isn’t a form of affection)…. you can fill in the rest.
I don’t pretend to know what you should do and my advice is to get you thinking and moving. My deepest concerns are for your baby. I should have left when I was pregnant or soon after but I didn’t want to take a baby from the father or a father from a baby. My son, 17 now, still suffers from living with this man until he was just 4. Those 4 years did so much damage to my son. I wish I could erase all of it for seeing the damage it did to my son was worse than any abuse I suffered.
I will only respond to your posts and won’t email you since you are still with your mate. I always want for your safety. Maybe you could journal and get some of your feelings out. Seek support where you can and don’t stay just because he hasn’t hit you. Stay only if you feel this is the life you want, not that it is the only option that you have.
I wish you and your baby all the best. They don’t stay young long so allow your child a happy childhood.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
P.S. thank you letting me know how much this blog helps, it makes all the hard work and tears worth it if I can save one woman from staying too long.
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Husband and I have known each other since we were 16 years old. We are both 44 now. We married when we were 32. We had our son 19 months ago and ever since that time he has changed his behavior toward me. He treats me with a lack of respect some of the time. In the past few months he has spit on me, said Fuck you to me, called me a ass whole, pushed me and threw a towel at me. He has recently said he resents me when I asked why he does not pleasure me any more during sex. I am a teacher and the primary bread winner. He collects unemployment and works as a photographer. He has lost many jobs in the past and gives empty promises to finish school programs and/or school programs. I think he has self-esteem problems and resents me because I am a reminder of what he has not accomplished in life. I love him and he has been loyal to me. He is not an alcoholic or drub abuser. He has not threatened me. I am confused as to how harmful some of the actions he has done are and when and if I should leave. He doesn’t seem as bad as the posts I have read here, but there is an emty whole growing inside me. I do feel I deserve better treatment. If you have any advice I would appreciate it. I am so grateful to you for putting out this site and being there for so many women. God bless you, you are special.
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Thank you for sharing your touching poem, it was very sad to read. You have such a sad soul. I can feel it from here. We all have our own reasons for staying so I don’t know why you stay, I stayed for fear he would kill me or my son if I left, I finally left when I feared I was to die that night.
It sounds like you don’t have very supportive people around you. You must find someone you can trust. Do you have children? If not can you find the funds to just escape? You don’t have to tell anyone about your plans. Check out some of the links under the blogrool on the front page of this blog, there are supportive services and places out there.
You do NOT deserve to live the way you are living. I can tell you are a very smart woman, don’t allow him to kill your soul. It is never to late to start over and be the woman you were meant to be.
Feel free to post here again, I will respond here as others will too. I will not email directly for I don’t want to ever put you in any jeopardy.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Rosetta. People who have never met you really do care about your well being.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Readers I decided to copy this post, it was under another post but I felt we could be more supportive of Rosetta if I posted it here:
‘hi! my name is rosetta,from italian background.i have a husbund who has abused me for ever,why do i stay, the fear of leaving is grater , i suffer from stockolm fobias that i never had suddelny there is a list of them(sorry my english is not the best).i had some friends that i confided but what they did they video taped and given to my husbund an my in law.my friend have seen my abuse but my confidence they betrayed,when you feel alone where do you go? i turned to the bible that has been of confort,i do some knitting ,and write poems that i send in competion some have been publihsed,but knot have the money to buy the books.here is my poems it is already published.
DEAR FRIEND.
DEAR FRIEND,HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU;
YET I WAS BLIND AND YOU HAD MY EYES CUT OFF.
I WAS MUTE AND YOU HAD MY TONGUE CUT OFF.
I TURN MY HEAD IN SEARCH OF YOU;YET YOU HAD MY HEAD CUT OFF.
I STRECHED MY HANDS AND YOU HAD THEM CUT OFF.
YET MY FRIEND I KEPT LOVING YOU.
YOU TOOK MY INNER PARTS AND FEED THEM TO MY ENEMIES;
YOU STOLE MY HEART AND BURIED IN THE DEEPEST PIT;
BUT MY DEAR FRIEND IT KEEPS LOVING YOU.
MY DEAR FRIEND
DEAR FRIEND YOU HAVE EATEN MY FLESH;
YOU HAVE DRANK MY BLOOD
YOUR TEETH HAVE LEFT MARKS ON THEM
AND YOU TRIED TO CONCEAL YOUR CRIME
BUT IN A VISION I SAW YOU FACE
BLOOD ON YOUR LIPS AND YOUR HAND
YOU SHARED MY FLESH AND MY BLOOD
MY TEARS YOU HAVE IGNORED
MY CRIES FELL ON DEAFF EARS
YOU BRING GREAT CALAMITY SUCH AS NOT DONE IN MY LIFETIME
YOU MADE A GREAT FEAST AND INVITED EVERYONE TO EAT
I HAVE RAISED MY EYES AND THRU THE WINDOW I SEE A MOUNTAIN;
WHO WILL RESCUE ME?
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Dear Tiffany,
Let him get his own help and you get out!
Such a sad post. Amazing how much a person can destroy another in such a short time. My husband was physically abusive but he preferred to torment and terrify me. I felt like a prisoner most of the time. I was stripped of having my own opinion and thoughts. I can remember how he too would jump at me and threaten to hit me but would just shove me with his body, feeling this wasn’t abusive. If someone is damaging your soul the way you say he is, why are you waiting for him to hit you before you leave? I know this is easy for me to say now that I an out and strong but this is a question I still ask myself still today. I knew he would eventually hit me and threaten my life but I minimized so much until the physical abuse finally came. The scars I suffer with were from things that weren’t at all physical. Don’t stay where you don’t want to be.
You sound like such a strong woman, you teach our children and you must be safe for them. Seek local support, call the hotline and make an escape plan. Don’t wait until he is hitting you, it is so much harder to leave. Start making your plan now and day by day prepare for the difficult day when you leave. As hard as it will seem, you will be so happy when you can lay your head down at night and know that you are safe.
I wish you all the best. Since you are still with your mate I will only post to the boards for your safetly.
I pray that I will get a post soon of you telling us all how you finally left and took back the control of your life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Rebecca,
I have been married for 5 years and our marriage has gotten progressively worse. I just confided in my best friend about his emotional abuse. He tends to put me down a lot. I am emotionally drained when I’m around him and I’ve lost most of my sense of self. I really don’t know who I am anymore and that really bothers me… I’m an educator and I’m very proud of who I am. He doesn’t have a college education so I think he tends to put me down to make himself feel better. He hasn’t hit me yet but we’ve had some really nasty fights. He’s put holes in walls and he’s actually run up to me like he was going to hit me in the middle of an argument. I don’t know what I should do. I’m so completely unhappy. I’m walking on eggshells half of the time just to keep the peace . I’ve never had that kind of fear before and I don’t know what to do. My best friend had a similar experience and she told me to leave and pack my bags or she’d pack them for me because she’s said the same thing and before she knew it he was hitting her. I know I’m better than that. I know I’m not the idiot that he says I am. He needs help and I’m just needing some support. Any advice?
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Dear Brianca,
I was online for hours and heading to bed when I saw your post in my inbox. I had to log on immediately to respond. Honey, imagine what you just told me was being told to your from your best friend. What do you think you would tell her? Get out now. Just from the little you have told me has me worried you are being clouded with the love that you have for him, I understand that.
But, becuase you have dealt with this in the past you are more accepting of it in another mate. Just tell him you need time, don’t move in if you haven’t already. You sound like you need to spend time on just you, getting stronger so that you wouldn’t even dream of letting an abusive man into your space ever again.
I really do worry for you. Don’t stay because you don’t want to be alone, you will regret it. Love yourself first, the rest will come.
Write anytime and I will respond on blog.
Love & Peace and most of all, be safe Brianca.
Rebecca
dreamfocused@earthlink.net
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I have been in an abusive relationship in the past. Thank the Lord that I was able to get out. It almost killed me, but I made it out.
I have just recently met someone who reminds me a lot of my abusive X. I have been trying to convince myself that he is not abusive but I just really dont know. I want to give it a chance, but I am afraid. I guess my question is, do you think that it is possible that someone that has 5 domestic violence charges, may not actually be abusive? He seems domineering definately, but he is also kind of mild……when he speaks to me. Any other time he is very loud and always center of attention. I just dont know if it is worth a shot.
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Thank you, Rebecca. I have sent you a poem in your email about the abuse. I hope you like it.
Thank you for having a place, for the abused to come and share. It does help…tremendously!
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Dear Sandra,
I am so happy you left him before it was too late to leave. So many women (myself was included once) stay too long. Why is it we put up with so much for the sake of loving a man. You are right, telling others does sometimes help you to stay gone. Putting yourself first and doing things to make and keep you strong is the best medicine. Fix your soul and your life will be all that you dream.
Thanks for sharing such pain with my readers and myself. You already sound like a very strong women indeed.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca J. Burns
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I am just coming out of a 2 year, very abusive relationship. He was the most charming and loving man I had ever met. After about 6 months, his true colors began to show. It started with him snapping at me for little things. It didn’t take long before it esculated into back hands and actual punches in the face. I just recently left him, 2 weeks ago… I sat in the emergency room for the 4th time, in one week, from his abuse. I sit here today with a broken wrist, black eye, my lips have so many scars I can’t count them, a knot on my head and a broken soul.
Will I go back to him? Not in a million years. I have let go. I have no feelings left at all. Numb.
Now that my son knows about the abuse, my ex doesn’t have a chance of getting near me. In fact he is too scared to come near me now, because he knows my son knows. I hid it from my family for so long. Excuse after excuse or total avoidance. I figured the more people that I opened up to, the less apt I was to go back to him. It’s working.
I have survived this round of abuse and I won’t take anymore chances.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT… Now, I am too busy loving me…I don’t want to share. 🙂
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Dear Mia,
Thank you for this comment. I am hoping a comment like this will help a women that is suffering as we both have. I am proud of the courage you had to leave. I pray that you life is better now. No one should live that way. May you have the life of your dreams.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca J. Burns
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To the women dealing with domestic violence- you are not the only ones. Unfortunate, but true. The biggest threat of homocide to a woman is her intimate partner. That risk raises 500% surrounding the time period in which she leaves her abuser. This is NOT an excuse to stay. Violence ALWAYS escalates. Today it may be him calling you a “whore”, tomorrow a slap in the face, next week your parents could be burying their precious child.
Especially if you have children, you owe it to them to get out. Staying only reinforces bad things in children. It teaches our boys that they can control and manipulate women without repercussions. It teaches our daughters that they deserve to be beat on an subsurviant to an intimate partner. Your children’s future and self worth depend upon the actions you take as a parent. You can’t re-do their childhood.
I know that leaving is hard. I’ve had to do it myself. I was involved with a boyfriend of 2 years that started off with the verbal abuse. It escalated into him throwing my 3 year old (mine, not his) down for no reason at all. I threw him out and called the police. Several months went by and I thought I was rid of him. The police had taken care of him, or so I thought. I thought wrong.
Several months later there was a knock at my door. I answered without looking through the peephole. It was him. He flung the door open and threw me across the room into the fireplace hearth. I was bleeding from a head wound but was able to call the police.
The scary thing is that when the police grabbed him a few blocks from my house, they found that he had a 12″ knife strapped to his leg. He admitted that he had come to my house to slit my throat.
I enlisted the help of our local Domestic Violence Resource Center. You have to let them help you. They will give you the tools that you need to leave these creeps, no matter what your circumstances are. They will find you shelter, education, money, childcare, transportation, and food. But you have to want it.
Don’t be a prisoner any more. You’re worth it and your kids are worth it. NO MAN IS WORTH DYING FOR!!!!!
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Dear Mercedes,
I came found this resource just for you and posted it here. It has so much information for women in your situation. I hope that you will check it out. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html (you may have to cut and paste the link) the main site is http://www.justicewomen.com
US Domestic Violence Hotlines
Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
For more information/resources and support click on link or visit http://www.ndvh.org
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Rebecca,
Thank you ever so much…
While I still have’nt found some one. I really hope I gather my strength again to do it!
& I will try my level best to get an extension of the restraining order.
I wish you the very best too. And as long as we women feel the strength we have inside us and stay together we can get so much more out of life & its vagaries.
Warm regards & my best wishes…
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Dear Lenina,
Thank you for writing such painful memories. I first wanted to say I am so gratful that you are away from your abuser and able to smile again. I wanted to answer your questions at the end of your post.
I would strongly suggest that you obtain another stay away order. This will keep him away leading his own li fe for another year and give you the safety to seek counceling, to keep you from ever returning and feeling you owe him a thing. It will quiet that fear you said you are having now, knowing the order will expire soon.
You would just tell the court you still fear him, which you sound as if you do. With the past abuse orders it wouldn’t be or shouldn’t be an issue.
I really hope to hear that you have done this important thing.
I think counceling would be the best thing that you could do for yourself at this stage. It took me some time to realize that counceling would help me. It allowed me to share the pain I had buried so deep inside just to beable to survive and care for my son, work and such. You will allow the layers of pain and anger to peel away. Write in a journal and read books that make you feel good when you put the book down. Let go of any regret and quilt you may have, it only slows your recovery process. It happened and now it is time to let it go.
You sound like such a strong woman, many women don’t leave for fear of what will happen. Promise yourself you will never allow this into you life again. I know you had no say in marrying this man but I am glad you had a say in leaving.
And yes, your ex-husband needs help but it can’t be from you. I would suggest you never even consider approaching this man again. I understand the man’s side as far as maybe he was brought up in abuse, maybe he drinks too much, maybe he has anger issues but those are not your issues to deal with, ever. Please, stay away from this man and let him find his own path, far away from yours. Let his family be there for him now. You have enough to deal with.
I loved what you said about being Proud to be a woman. We sometimes forget that we have this choice, to pick who we allow in our lifes. I am so glad you you have found a good man. Be strong and never let any man cross that line again.
Remember what I said and please, please renew that restraining order and give yourself another year of safety, you deserve that. You can also renew that order every single year until you feel safe. Don’t worry about your family or his, they are not the ones that lived in the fear that you did, they are not the ones that needed to pull their life back together. They are not you.
I will only post here unless given permission to email someone directly, for their safety. Feel free to write again. I wish you all the best life has to offer you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
http://www.thelaststraw.wordpress.com
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Hi,
Thank you for this blog… for giving painful and repressed feelings an outlet….
Within a brief span of 6 months of my marriage,I began to feel the effects of violence and abuse in my marriage. I had an arranged marriage and despite how much I tried to convince my parents or my in-laws and even my ex-husband on how badly i wanted to get out of the relationship, no one really listened and I just felt worse.
My ex-husbands aggression towards me when I was pregnant dealt the final blow to my feelings and respect for him and I decided to get out of it. I searched my soul and I realized I did not want to have his child and no family with him. I got the baby aborted at the cost of my health and separated from him. After about a month,his apologies poured in yet again and he decided to give things a chance abroad. I did not accept it, However, once again social pressures got the better of me and I decided to give things one last chance and see if things could work without the interference of family & society.
Unfortunately, none of that happened. We had constant arguments about me going to work, he was suspicious and always checking on me, could not even let me go out for a morning walk! I tried to speak to him and told him that I wanted to go back to my home. He did not accept it and I was left in a spiritless state.
I forgot to add that his behavior made things worse. I could not have sex with him ever. I could not love him at all. & no matter how hard I tried it just felt worse. I felt as though I was being raped and once he even forced his way on me. And that just made me feel dead. It was on one such night that he hit me and just did not stop. Enough to leave long lasting painful marks not just on my body but on my soul.
I decided that if I have to live I have to get out of this. A couple of day later, I left his place… and yes, that was not home!
I sought a lawyers guidance, i went to the police, I went to the hospital and I knew that no amount of poverty, hunger could be worse than a life lived in humiliation, fear and abuse. I also refused to take help from my parents who were not in that country anyway.
It was an endless struggle. I could not get place in a womens refuge, and had to take the first job that came my way, With teh help of a family friend, I applied for all and sundry jobs and finally when one came my way I established myself ina foreign country and got a non-molestation order with the power of arrest attached with it.
I picked up my life yet again. I could smile, I could think of the world and yes, there were nights when i cried in endless streams of tears, only to think why me… i experienced an acute sense of loss and pain… of dreams shattered… of grief and a despair so deep that I wondered if I could ever recover.
In all this, i chose to leave it behind me. I took up studies and after work,used to go for classes… and in the security of the non molestation order, built my life in a foreign country right from scratch…
It really hurt when my own family always asked me to consider him again. As he would constantly call up my parents in order to influence me. My mother always felt for me and felt that I should not be so unkind. It created rifts in the relationships that i held so dear.
I finally had to resort to another order against him to stop influencing other people to harass me. & I think it has helped as in this time he has not contacted my family at all.
I feel strong and confident. However, 2 years with a on and a divorce from him, I still experience fear. I still feel bad that this divorce did not have a friendly closure. That I came across like this bad person… to him and his family, when he’s always wanted to give things a try. I dont know if i will subject my new boyfriend or my future children to harm from him as he might harbour resentful feelings towards me.
Today, I was crying. I had to leave my last job as it became to stressful for me and repressed feelings and fear never lurked too far behind and I decided to deal with my emotions first….
In all this, I am proud to be a woman. As a woman, I have a choice to select the man I want to be with. As i have to bring children in this world and provide for a safe environment for them.
It is hard and I am thinking of getting some counselling for myself. Is it right to feel fear now. How should I deal with him when the order expires in another months time? Is law the best solution in ensuring my safety and peaceful existence? Does he need help? Should I be the one to help him?
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Dear Mercedes,
You are the woman that I started this blog for. Honestly. You are a mirror image of me. I had a job at that time but no one to care for my 4 year old son. I lived what you are living for so long and only ended up leaving when he tried to kill me again. Something in me knew that that night I would die if I didn’t move.
Have you ever called a women’s shelter to see if they can move you and your children? Have you ever really talked with them to see if they can help you? They can find a safe place for you and your children to live and you can get on welfare for a short time. At least you wouldn’t fear for your life. There really are people out there to support you. I am not sure how easy it is for you to call places or to get out and see about support. If I were rich I would take care of things for you. I understand the fear you have of leaving but he has already killed your spirit and that of your children.
Post here as often as you like and I will support you best I can. I will never email you directly, I would never put you in harms way.
What can I do for you now?
You must know that you must make some plans to leave. He will hurt you again and you know that. I vividely remember the way he is treating you now. When my husband had been arrested for trying to kill me and I later dropped the charges because I let him move back in that is when my life became even a bigger hell. His belittiling and terror was worse. Even the days that he didn’t hit me those were sometimes worse. You are suffering from Post Tramatic Syndrome from the daily trauma and so are your children. My son was 4 when I finally left and at 16 he still suffers with depression and nightmares. But at least the daily fear is gone.
Picture men in war fearing death daily, that is what you are living with. Nothing will change as long as you stay. I wish I could say that it would but we both now better. If nothing else keep yourself strong. If possible try to read motivating books and check out motivating sites online. If he doesn’t hurt you for doing this just keep at it. Eventually you can build your self esteem back up. The real you is buried under years of abuse, the woman you feel you are now is just a symptom of your living conditions.
If I can give you one thing it would be to know you are not what he says you are. You are stronger than you think. Don’t worry about what your family and such think, if they haven’t lived this they can never understand, another reason why I on this mission to help others understand, Why we stay when we do.
I am going to be adding a printalbe ebook soon to this blog to help women to improve their self esteem after leaving abuse and to help with some of the issues each woman deals with after abuse. I hope you will check back.
I am planning on adding some new posts that will give simple steps to slowly start the process of leaving. Mercedes, you will be the woman that I picture when I post this information. I pray that you escape, before it is too late.
You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.
Remember, you will not leave until the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving. If and when you get away again, seek support, get strong and get your life and spirit back. Belive it or not, you can come out of this and become an even stronger woman. You are a strong woman and you are sure as hell worth fighting for. God Bless.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
P.S. you made a comment about not wanting your children to suffer if you left, the damage has already been done. Now is the time to stop the suffering.
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I have gotten back together with my children’s father several times because it has been so hard to go out on my own with 3 small children, bad credit, no education and not very much hope for a better life. He had been violent toward me in the past and had gone to jail for an attempt on my life. My family can’t believe I have gotten back together with a man that tried to kill me. I feel I have no self-worth and since he is on probation, he wont be violent due to fear of going back to jail. He is very resentful towards me and feels like I am to blame for his life going wrong. He is slowly destroying me and listening to him is like torture. He knows I try to do what is right and be honest, but he insists that I am low, decietful and not worthy of any personal rights. I am seeing signs that he absolutely has no regard for me at all anymore and doesn’t care if me or our children suffer. I am anti-social and depressed at times and fear that I am not adequate enouph to raise my children on my own but something has to change. My daughter is getting older and clearly recognizes what is going on. I have to protect her. I have to show her that mom is strong and that she is never suppose to tolorate what mom has tolorated. I feel trapped.
I really appreciate these blogs, they help me to realize that its not impossible to get past this. Right now I feel there are too many obsticles if I left now and I don’t want my children to suffer. I avoid conflict as much as possible. I try to make up for the neglect he’s shown the kids. I always let my daughter know that she can talk to me about anything. Thats the best I can do.
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