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Scroll down and read the posts, this blog entry has become a supportive stop for women who are still living with abuse to those who are struggling in the aftermath.
Here are a few of the many warning signs:
Verbal Abuse/Mood Swings/Hypersensitive
He will start by calling you a dirty name or an idiot. After he apologizes, you will let it go. After a while you will tune him out which will let him know that he can continue with this behavior. One moment he will be loving and the next you will do something that will make him fly off the handle. Take the signs seriously; they may save your life.
Controlling/Blames others/Threats of Violence
Most times, you will not see these signs in the beginning when he is trying to impress you. You will begin to see him getting agitated when he lets his guard down and it may show up when he yells at the store clerk for making a mistake or yell at you for burning supper or showing up late. He may make a verbal threat to hurt you and then quickly dismiss it saying he was just kidding. This type of behavior does not get better without treatment and willingness to really change. Be aware that he can warn you several times that he may be physically abusive before he actually hits you.
Unrealistic Expectations/Blaming others
If he follows behind you while you do something to make sure, you have done it right. If he is a neat freak and expects you to be the same. This is very controlling. He will blame you and everyone else for everything that is wrong in his life. Nothing will ever be his fault and most times, it will be yours.
Cruelty to animals and children
This is a Hugh sign. If a man is mean to a child or an animal what on earth is going to keep him from hurting you? Do not allow in your life what you would never think of doing. Do not regret the damage this will do to the children you have now, or the children you may have together. Do not think that he will never harm his own children, just say NO.
The above are signs that I saw but never took notice of at the time. Looking back my husband had most signs of potential violence and he lived up to each and ever one of them.
More warning signs and words of wisdom:
Words of wisdom: Life will get better. You do not need a man to make you feel happy. Love yourself first and the rest will follow. Your children may never forget, but they will forgive. Find support anywhere you can. Most of all, staying in an abusive relationship only teaches our daughters to accept this treatment in their relationships.
╬ Warning sign: If a man tries to control everything in your life from what you wear, whom you can have as friends and when you may talk on the telephone be aware this is a major sign he is trying to isolate you. When a man keeps you completely isolated there is a strong sign he will be mentally and or physically abusive. He fears outsiders like family and friends will tell you that you are minimizing what he is doing and that you should leave. He will insist no one loves you as he does and will try to convince you your friends and family will turn you against him. He will insist they are just jealous of what the two of you have.
Words of Wisdom: The fear you have of how it will affect the children will soon become real. Do not stay because you feel guilty your children need a father. Do not stay because you are afraid you might die, or will not be able to survive on your own. Go. Go because of your children. Go because you are afraid you might die. Just go! Do not waste another day praying for the abuse to stop. Pray instead for the strength to put one foot in front of the other and live the life you deserve. Your children suffer if you stay and they suffer if you leave. At least if you leave your children will have the chance to heal and put back the pieces of their lives.
╬ Survival Tip: If you are planning to leave, hide important items you will need like spare car keys, birth certificates, social security cards, and a small stash of cash. You never know when the opportunity will arrive that you can leave. If possible, leave when your abuser is either out of the home or due to sleep for a long time. Be ready. Since you never know when the moment will be. Never, ever let your abuser know you are thinking of leaving, it could cost you your life.
Warning Warning!: If a man you just met quickly pushes for a commitment, like only seeing each other can be a major signs of potential abuse. At first, his attention will seem a sweet loving gesture because he has fallen head over heels in love with you. It can become a harmful situation to get escape.
Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
If you want a direct email response you must note that it is safe for you to receive email on this topic. Women still in abuse should never let abuser know she is talking to others about the abuse, it could kill you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
The following was left from Lisa J. Peck a blog reader/writer and it fits well here too:
excerpt from Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom
In the afternoon, as the quiet of the old house wrapped around her, she thought she would do the assignment that Judy had requested. Make a list of the problems she had with Brad. Once she got started it began to flow from her pen.
1) I lose a sense of identity with him around.
2) He often engages in revenge, going for where it hurts.
3) Physical Abuse—hitting, throwing things, breaking things.
4) Verbal Abuse—name calling—sometimes really crude ones.
5) Spiritual Abuse—“I am the man and the leader of the home, therefore you will do as I say.”
6) Crazy Making—He says something then denies saying it.
7) No Empathy—even in the process of trying to get back together with me, he does not consider my feelings or my concerns, much less my fears.
Controlling—I’ve never known how much money we have. I can’t do anything without his permission. I can’t even choose what kind of milk to buy.
9) Involves the children with our problems.
10) Doesn’t take ownership for his mistakes or issues.
11) Blames me for all our problems.
12) Drains my spirit when I’m around him.
13) Doesn’t trust me—constantly accuses me of having affairs, etc.
14) Doesn’t see me for who I am.
15) He often changes the “rules” of our relationship.
16) Chauvinistic—thinking a man should be served by women.
17) Image focused, so worried how he appears to others.
18) Has to get his way in everything all the time no matter how small. It is as though “getting his way” is more important than the issue itself.
19) Unable to bond. He has never connected emotionally with me.
20) He is not safe to be around. I never know what he will do or when. Very unpredictable.
Why in the heck had she stayed with that man!? By leaving him, she had chosen happiness. It had to be her choice, and she had made it. Now she was on her own. If she turned back, then she’d be returning to where she’d been. She had heard that most women who leave their abusive husbands go back. She prayed not to be one of them. She couldn’t do this alone with five kids, but with God, maybe she would be successful—one moment at a time.
She walked over to her window and looked out at the swing set. As she watched the swing move slightly in the wind, she thought that maybe with the knowledge she had gained, she could go out and serve others. Now if she could get over the next couple of hurdles, she’d be ready.
The Last Straw 