I am often asked, “Why does a women stay in such horrific abuse?”
My response is this, “a women will stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. A women will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving.”
I have been reading the search terms to get to this blog and one that came up today was the above questions, what to do if husband/spouse is abusing me now.
The biggest concern is how imminent is the threat of harm. Can you get out of the home now safely? If you can, then leave. Go somewhere where the abuser won’t look for you. Then call Call the abuse hot line at 800-799-7233 and they will support you is major life decision. If you have children this can be harder but if you are fearing for your life, you have no choice but to leave now. Wait until he is sleeping and just walk out. Just the shirt on your back is better than laying on that back for good.
Call the abuse hotline at 800-799-7233
They will help you find a place to go and support you now, when you need help the most. You are not alone, no one other than your abuser wants to see you living this way.
If you are not in immediate danger call for support and they will help you plan how to get out safely. They will arrange to have someone come get you and your children and get you somewhere safe. This is a best bet if you are afraid he will come after you. By calling the hotline you will also have someone to support your situation if needed for restraining orders. Never, ever, ever tell an abuser you are planning to leave. Once they suspect all hell will break lose. Just play it normal but in the back of your mind always be planning how to get out safely.
We won’t all have the chance to make such an escape plan. For me, over 10 years ago the fear of staying greatly out-weighed the fear of leaving. My husband had been drunk for 3 days solid, pretty normal, but he was meaner each time. He forced me to sit on the couch while he threw butcher knives just missing the top of my head. It took a knife that close to my head for me to say, okay, tonight I will die for sure. He had pulled all the phones out so I couldn’t call the police. I went upstairs once I was allowed off the couch and took my son to my bed. My son was only 4 and sweetly went along with being woken and now coloring on mom’s bed in the middle of the night.
I poped out the screen in my 2nd story bedroom and open the window wide. I was as loud as possible to attract attention. I could hear him breaking things downstairs. I was ready to jump out that window with my son as soon as I heard his feet at the bottom step. I knew that knife would be thrust into me tonight and I wasn’t going to just let him. I threw pillows and blankets out under the window to break the fall. As long as my son didn’t get hurt it would work.
Thankfully, I never had to jump. I watched as the cruiser pulled in my driveway. I live in an apartment and a neighbor (my guardian angel) called police. It was the first time when the police asked me, “are you afraid of him?” That I said yes. They took him into custody for only the night since he hadn’t hit me this time???
Having the police take him gave me a few hours to leave safely. I took some basics and called a friend I hadn’t talked to in many years, she welcomed us in. I stayed only a night and then filed protective orders to have my husband removed for abuse and threatening to kill me many times.
I won’t say it was just peachy after that night, but it was the first time I had a glimmer of hope that I wouldn’t die that day. I had lived in that fear for many, many years.
I minimized much of what he did as I am certain that you do to. I beg you go get help. I look at the damage it has left my son with now, 10 years later. No matter how old your children are, they will be effected by your staying.
One Important Safety Tip: If you call an abuse hotline or someone your husband/mate may consider a threat to him after hanging up call information or something like that. Trust me, you never want him to hit redial and find out that you have called and told someone about what he is doing. I did this after most of my phone calls after learning that lesson one time.
Be safe. I will never email anyone that leaves a post here without their telling me it is safe to email. I don’t want to cause you a reason to fear talking to anyone. If you do make a comment I will respond on the board here with the original post. Most times within a day or 2.
RESOURCES: List on blogroll this site.
Don’t stay and wish things would get better. Leave and see that they can.
Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224
Dear Stacy,
I prefer to email you from here, not directly, for your safety if he has access to your passcodes. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. No one should live the way you are. yes, you need to get out. Call the hotline or reach out to agencies in your area, it can be a start. Even if you can’t safely leave today, you should start making a plan. You want your child to grow up feeling safe and loved, they need a secure home and you do not have that here. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi,
I need to make another email account, but you can email me here.
My husband looked at porn one week after our wedding/honeymoon. He verbally and physically hurt me during my pregnancy. He has called me cunt, darkey, jezabel, whore, little brain, can’t comprehend, and put his hand up to hit me at 7 and 8 months pregnant. He tells me I’m a horrible person and sinner bc I won’t forgive him. He threatened to take my baby 2 days after coming home from the hospital. I don’t have any access to accounts, he gives me an allowance. Has the passwords to my phone and bank account and I do not har them. He told our 2 month old to shut up when he was crying. Then he cooks me breakfast everyday and helps with dishes. He truly has more than one personality. I spent 30 minutes folding his clothes and asked him to take them upstairs and put them away, he said in a harsh tone well, do you want me to clean my own toilet too? Then I said I have to get out of here, I need a vacation. He said the only place I could go was to a city where he had friends that could watch me and he said if I left with our baby he would call amver alert. I slapped him tonight and he took my hand and punched his face with it and now I have a bruise on my hand. Is this abuse, mild abuse, something I should try to work on, or get out. I seriously need help. My dad abused me verbally and was extremely violent, so I don’t know because he doesn’t take an ax to my door like my dad did or leave me on the side of the road at 16 in a different city at 16 with no money and had to find my way home, like my dad did, but he does hurt me. He is incredibly sarcastic and judgmental picking at everything me and our son does, yet he has unbrushed teath, incombed hair, food on his clothes, bad hygiene, and just always measy with food on his mouth, yet my 7 month old baby he gets upset when food is on his mouth. I feel so much anger towards him and drained and like I’m dying when he is around me. Please someone tell me how to work this out and if I should leave and if so, how. Thank you and God bless.
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Dear Summer,
You need to call the hotline number 800-799-7233 they are better able to assist you with escaping the abuse than I am. I can give advice to gain your strength back after and know you ar enever alone. You need to leave, for your sake and your children. You are in my thoughts.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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i m also suffring from domestic voilence and my parents asked me to leave children .i have two children . i dont want to leave them .before few days i was hitted by him .he bite me and my parents stopped to going police station they told me aftsr going police station you dont have place to go anywhere.i want to ask why every time women have to left their children why men dont . he always asking me that where and why i m spendibg money. he drunk daily .he abuse daily .he tourcher me daily mently. what should i do in that case when no body with me neither my parents nor my grand parents .how n why i leave my parents.
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Hi
you can email me i am lost i have 3kids they are my life i have no education and i have psudotumor cerbri my husband has the insurance he tells me he will kill me my kids and my parrents my father is ill i called the police once but when cps told me if i call again the can remove my children because i am chosing to stay its not safe for them i know its true my 15 cries because she does not want me to be alone with him. i am mentaily ill i know for staying and i know i am hurting my children i know i povock it too
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Yes, call the hotline, they will get you somewhere safe.
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Please give me advise. I was asked by my husband to help him with rent apartment (new job) in other country. I went there. Also he told me that if he will not get new job, I will return. I bought tickets to return and he does not meet me in airport. On my callings he tells me that he does not want me to come home. He not allow me to come home and even to town. He scare me to make my life hell. He has weapons at home. I am with child ( from first marriage). I do afraid to go from airport to our home, It is not first time when he talk to me angry. I am afraid for my son and me. Can i go from airport to shelter and ask help?
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Dear Jessica,
Wow, to have the point of view of a child is no needed in this world. Mothers say they want to protect the children, if they would see what their children will say when they are older, they would leave. You sound like such an amazing person and I feel blessed that you shared what you did here. Such horror for a child to go through, stories we hear that happen to others, to people we know. I too struggled with abuse as a child, never raped but what you deal with as a child makes who you are as an adult.
I pray that you are able to let the right love into your heart someday, the love of your child is a love that stays forever, or is supposed to. I am saddened that you have lost that with your mother, but you had to do what is right for you.
Do all that you have to do to live the life you deserve.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Useless,
that was so heartbreaking to read. I had no family that helped me during that time, it was just me, the fear is what helped me get out. My prayers are with you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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No family no way out
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Hi all. I have never been abused by a husband and will not ever be. I am to scared to let any man close enough to hurt me. I am 26yrs old now. What I am saying is from a childs point of view. I watched a man I called dad (step father) he was the only dad I knew. I can’t remember much of when I was a kid. But I will tell you what I do. My big brother and I saw him beat up my mom. First it was just a slap now and then but not long after it got worse. We use to help my mom clean up all the mess and the blood. And after every time he hurt her. He would buy her nice stuff and promise to not hurt her again. And all will be great like a happy family and then say 2weeks later he would do it again but worse and worse. Same things always. She left but kept going back to him because he promised to change. He never did and throw all of that she had 2 of his kids. By the time I was 11 he stopped hurting her and started to abuse my brother and I. I took almost all of the abuse did all I could to protect my siblings and mom. And things got only worse for me he gave me my moms roll. By raping me also. I could not go to school because I would always have marks on my body and face. 10 yrs ago I put him in jail. But out of all of that my worst abuse was from my mom. Because she loved him. He is out of jail now. My mom and him live together with my younger siblings. And got told new news my younger siblings hate me for putting there dad in jail and I have not spoken to my big bro in yrs. Because he blames himself for not protecting me. So long story short if you lucky it will change. But if not for you life and sake then do it for your kids. They don’t need to see you all beat up or them getting it to. My mom left him 21 times and kept going back. I am a mother to an amazing little boy and if any man hurt him they will be sorry or touch me I will not stick around to see if it will change. I got taught the hard way. Please don’t let your kids learn that way also. I am sure you all are amazing beautiful women and you all deserve to be love and cherished. Not hurt. Well that’s my story and I hope you read it and think about what I said. I thought I would just let you all know. It really gets to your kids to see that. Good luck and thank you
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Dear Miranda,
I am so sorry for taking so long to respond, you sound so desperate. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I would suggest you get out now if you can, go somewhere safe.. If you feel that your life is in danger, it is. You do not deserve to be hurt in anyway, this is not love. Please call the hotline for immediate help or seek out family and friends if you can. It will happen again, it always does.
You are in my prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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You can email me
I’ve been married 8 months now and my husband has abused me several times throwing me around spitting his chew in my face and breaking my stuff he cries and apologizes afterwards and I usually forgive him but yesterday he threw me down and I smacked my head on wood part of the bed. He cried and dents me texts saying he was sorry at work but when I got home he was angry and yelling at me and hadnt cleaned the shattered glass on the bed I’m currently sleeping on the floor as I write this and I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship. I love him and I wish I knew how to help him I think he’s bipolar but his councler doesn’t think so and she’s not doing anything about the abuse! I really don’t know what to do and need help!
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You are braver than you think, I was the last person i thought would ever have the strength to be where I am now.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I think ur very brave im not so brave xx
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Dear Needs to be anonymous,
This post was stuck in spam and wasn’t detected until now. It is heartbreaking to read a post like this and especially months after it was left. I could have deleted and it left it to myself but I couldn’t. what does a woman do in this situation? I have no advice to offer, get out, be free. Those seem like such silly lame words to offer. Yes, she needs to run like hell but to where. Has anyone been in this situation before? She may not come back here again, but another woman with the same story will. I do my best to offer advice but have never had to deal with this specific situation. If you have please offer advice how you got free.
You are not a horrible mother, we do the best we can with that we know. You are living in fear, it keeps you there.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anonymous,
So sorry to take so long to respond, site issues. My God that is hell that you went through. This is no way to live for anyone, especially your daughter. Can you get out and leave? He needs to want to change, you can make him. Get with your mum, see what can be done. You and your daughter deserve more out of life than this. What you do now will show your daughter what a strong woman is.
You deserve a life of happiness and enjoying your baby. Decide and find more, this isn’t a life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Alone,
Big hugs to you. It breaks my heart to hear you so sad and alone. Men and woman can change but they have to want to. We teach others how to treat us, when we stay, I take the blame too, they know they can continue with how they treat us.
What he did was horrible and clearly abusive. Do all that you can to stay safe. Bottom line, your life is what is important. I am not saying call abuse hotline and your life would be perfect, but if you think he is going to abuse you, that is one option. You say you have no family where you live, can you more to where they live? Pressing charges is not always the answer, sometimes just leaving is.
Be safe alone, you are not alone here. Keep in touch. I pray that you are able to get out and live a happier, safer live.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Sandra,
You sound like you are ready to leave. Can you leave safely and have somewhere to go? I don’t want to have you die like this either. Your children need their mother, do what you can to leave, you don’t want your children to lose you, they will lose everything. Find the resources to get you out.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear T,
You are dealing with so much all at once. You sound like you are on the right path, time away from him will help. you are teling me know you that you need to be away from him. From what you say, let him get his own help, this is not your issue. You can’t fix him. I totally understand that you worry about causing anger with him so do what you feel is best for you. I would love to tell you to just let him out of your life but that is not always possible. Do what you feel will work best but never let him back in your home, not with what you have said has happened so far.
Many still love the men that hurt us the most. We think that our love is so strong we can help them change. You are on the right path, make sure that you have the support you need to make you strong.
Keep in touch, wish you all the strength that you need.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi T,
I can’t say a person won’t change, whom am I too make the decision. They deal is that they must want to change. No matter how much I wanted my husband to get sober and stop abusing, he didn’t like himself, never mind the self respect to stop. There are abusers that stop, but you don’t need to stay to find out. Do what is best for you and if you let him back in your life, make sure that you do it slowly, your safety is the most important thing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear No Name,
That is not for me to decide. Once a man hits you in anger it is more likely he will hit you again. You need to decide what you will and will not tolerate. If you forgive him and stay you need to stand your ground, happens again, you need to let him know you will leave. You asked, this is my opinion only. Decide what you want the rest of your life to be.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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dear Rebecca
my husband told me sorry for what he did to me should i believe him he hasnt hit me since i mssaeged you do i stay?
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Hi Name,
So sorry that you are dealing with all of this, especially with a little baby at home. Don’t stay just because your baby needs a daddy, that was the biggest mistake that I made. I knew I should have left but wanting my son to have a father seemed important at the time. I would have saved my son’s sanity had I left when he was younger.
I know you love him, but love yourself and that baby more. Anyone that treats you that way doesn’t deserve to have you in their life. Someday, you may not have the chance to reach out or leave. You are not responsible for what happens to him, put yourself before him.
Keep in touch. be safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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HI i have 7 month daughter im not married im just living with my babys daddy we were very happy he would never hit me the first time he hurt me was when he tried to choke me he had his hands on my neck but he never did he would throw me against my bed on the end of the bed and i had bruises on me he also hit my head and left a big ball i would have headachs when i would tell him what he did to me he would tell me that he didnt do that to me i cant leave him my daughter deserves a father she loves him so much and i love him to but i dont know what to do he has many problems cause of me so i cant call the cops on him im just scared.
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* I’m in shock it took for him to hunt me down to wake up to reality they say love is blind & I was completely blinded by it , in denial as well !
P.s do you think he will change ? I know they say abusers won’t be if he is genuine is their still hope or am I just prolonging the cycle of violence ?
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Hi , I’ve read the blog and everyones stories plus many more on my research.. I’m 22 years old with a 3 year old son I reside in Australia I met my partner 6 years ago in high school, I was immediately in love and we jumped right into a serious relationship , he had a previous long term relationship but he was my first. I always talked about having a baby because he wanted a family, I felt wanted and loved we where only 15 years old when we met ! I fell pregnant but my mum made me have an abortion because she believed I was to young to have a child.. Looking back on the need for me to have a baby is a red flag but I was so young I never saw it I was so consumed in him I believed everything innocently.. For the first year or two things felt perfect , he choked me at one point but he suggested I was being sneaky with a childhood boy whom I had grown up with which I wasn’t . That was the first experience , I still didn’t pay attention… I made excuses I guess … It stopped for a while. Then he started convincing me that my best friend was a “whore” and I “changed” when I was around her , one day when she came over he threatened to slice her throat. Obviously she didn’t want anything to do with me after that episode. Every time I’ve attempted to leave him he has stabbed himself on four different occasions infront of me whilst telling me he loves me & that’s why he does it.. He tried to hang himself many times infront of me etc … Just recently he has back handed me in public , just on the weekend we went out for what seemed like a good time , until we got home that is , he locked the front door and threw me up against the wall I moved off the wall and told him to not touch me , he grabbed me and threw me on the couch he looked evil with eyes wide open I was terrified, he said wait here slut and went to the kitchen my immediate response was to run , thank god my son was not home I fled and hid behind a garbage bin where I noticed him pacing up and down the street with kitchen knife looking for me… I was in contact with a relative the whole time until she arrived to safely pick me up … The next day he contacted me with a story that he woke up in the park and didnt know what happened last night , I took him back… Except this time my mind kept racing at night I felt scared to be near him, more than ever.. He is a great father and has never brought physical harm to his son only to me.. I know my Son feels my emotions he says are you okay mummy ? Our relationship has had good times as well we have been oversea frequently
together and enjoyed each others company a lot but I see that everything has progressed to violent stage where I am now in fear of my life, I managed to talk to him to have a ” break ” and brought up the issue of his violent behavior and he needs to change. He seems to agree but is fairly upset at this he cried and beg to come home with all his False promises … I own my own house and everything in it I pay for everything so he has no financial control over me which I believe intimidates him.. I’m a law student and I’m very aware & on board with things which is why it took for him to hunt me like an animal to wake up to reality. I’ve got him out of the house with hopes he completes a program to help with his behavior I’ve explained I will no longer put up with it and this is his last chance but he will not live with me whatsoever.. I’m scared to just say I don’t want to be with you don’t call me or text me because I fear he will break in at night and kill me , please I don’t even know what happens next , I love him and he believes I will support him through getting help but I think I’m digging myself into a bigger hole , I just don’t want him to retaliate if I say leave for good nor do I want to be forced out of my own home ! Help!
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Since I have been married to my husband he has. Never taken care of me and my 3 girls instead the more I take of them the more the more abuse and beating I received from him, I need help desperately so that I will not die before my time my children will ending up regretting
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Three nights ago I accidentally knocked over my husband’s beer which was sitting on the floor he screamed at me to clean it up told me how stupid I was how I could not walk right mind you I have Cerebral Palsy. So when I got a towel to clean up my mess he once again insulted me and I told him to screw off and he could clean up the mess. Long story short this started a huge fight in which I was pinned down while he let our dog attack me and now my arms and legs are covered in bruises.He often holds me in our home against my will when we are arguing and takes the phones. He has threatened to kill me on several occasions. I am so lost and alone I have no family where we live and I cannot bring myself to leave or press charges is there any hope of things ever getting better please help.
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Dear Living in poverty would be worse,
that is heartbreaking that this is how we must live. I was lucky, I made enough to support my son and I. Your life is being traded for a roof over your head. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Find resources, never stop looking for a job that will support you. Find additional work you maybe can do on the side. There is a way out. As hopeless as it seems you can’t give up. If you do, just lay down and die now.
Is there family that you can stay with, someone your daughter could stay with until you can get out? Can you get support if you left. Check out local resources, can you get assistance of any kind? Don’t give up, I beg you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Lambsown,
I am not a moderator, I am a woman who struggled that tries to support others. I appreciate the call out on posting first and last names. I do not require that anyone include a name or email to post here and often thought that they were fine with name being posted, but appreciate that call out. I removed the name in the posts on this section and will continue to do so throughout the site. My goal would never be to bring harm to anyone, especially the woman that come here.
I had no idea about the hotline. But for me, they saved me when I needed saving. Every experience is not the same. What do you suggest, that a woman stay if calling the abuse line is her only way out? Better to try to live then lay down and die. I never say taking these actions are a piece of cake for anyone, but you have to find a way to survive. I am glad to hear the other side of things, but we must focus on how to help at all times.
We all need a way out. Thank you for offering your feedback.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Just so you know those hotlines keep record of your calls and info and if you ever decide to go into the medical or psychological field it may be used to discriminate against you later. The shelters only let you stay a few months and then leave you homeless. At which point you no longer qualify for services because you’re no longer fleeing from the scene of violence. You would have to stay at homeless shelters. Find a good attorney and find somewhere to stay! You can get child support or alimony. If you can delete your last post with your name attached to it I would. The site moderator is clearly asleep at the wheel because that puts you in danger if he finds this post. Well intentioned morons will automatically tell you go to the police or a shelter. Cops are notorious for siding with abusers and the criminal injustice system will chew you up and spit you out. Even with evidence that doesn’t equal proof.
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Hi ,I worry if its start of something domestic , my husband and I have a lot off stress on going I find he gets angry at me a lot and infront of my 2)year daughter… We argue over stupid things I think youvheard all this before maybe… Anyway twice one week he hurt me my daughter was sick so we bath her… She crying for mummy (me) I hold her hand I check water was a little warm I take control he got angry at me kicked me in my lower back, he new I have back pain anyway… I sat near bath gon smacked I didn’t say a thing my aughter poorly she witnesses this and secondly he got angry at me he’s in debt and my mum helped him I ask him to step out the car he was stroppy I had my daughter in my arms the car door open he started to reverse I scream for my mum and pick up my daughter her head we rush to docs she was ok …. But…. Next time who knows he aim at me goes wrong I can’t risk our safety he has soo much more to loose infact he get deported as thus stress causing all this . Safe to exchange e mails he’s gone away for few days we are getting on ok and I ask him to go to the doctors he says he’s ok but I know full well he’s not my health visitor knows the car incident but not when he kicked my back there been minor onesvto he kick my legs
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Hi ,I worry if its start of something domestic , my husband and I have a lot off stress on going I find he gets angry at me a lot and infront of my 2)year daughter… We argue over stupid things I think youvheard all this before maybe… Anyway twice one week he hurt me my daughter was sick so we bath her… She crying for mummy (me) I hold her hand I check water was a little warm I take control he got angry at me kicked me in my lower back, he new I have back pain anyway… I sat near bath gon smacked I didn’t say a thing my daughter poorly she witnesses this and secondly he got angry at me he’s in debt and my mum helped him I ask him to step out the car he was stroppy I had my daughter in my arms the car door open he started to reverse I scream for my mum and pick up my daughter her head we rush to docs she was ok …. But…. Next time who knows he aim at me goes wrong I can’t risk our safety he has soo much more to loose infact he get deported as thus stress causing all this . Safe to exchange e mails he’s gone away for few days we are getting on ok and I ask him to go to the doctors he says he’s ok but I know full well he’s not my health visitor knows the car incident but not when he kicked my back there been minor onesvto he kick my legs
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Dear Nichole,
I am so sorry to hear that you are where you are. You are so young as well. Have you called the hotline? They will actually help you get out and go from there. Your life means more than anything. During the quiet alone moments get working, how can you get out, where you can you? Anything must be better than living like this. I was told for years he would kill me if I called the police or left him and took his son. Finally, I hit the day when I feared staying more than leaving. I knew that was the night I was to die and chose to leave. I know how scared you are about leaving, you can’t tell him, he won’t understand and will freak. If you call the hotline they will coach you to leave and how to do it safely. If you have family far away you can just get on a bus. No belongings matter, just your life. Leave before it is too late to look back.
Keep in touch you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anonymous,
I agree you are in a horrible spot but there has to be a way out. Find it. I know that is easy for me to say but I have been there and so have many others. Better to leave and struggle than to stay and die a bit more each day. The damage to your daughter is permanent. You can’t wish for other options, you must find them. Someone you can room with, pay for food only, battered woman’s shelter, at least see what options are there, make it that you have no other choice. It seems like no one is listening but it will happen someday soon, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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why do I stay with him? I have no place to go, I only work part time and that is not enough to support my daughter and myself.. He is a drunk, SOB who verbally abused me for years and now it is getting physical. I am an educated person with an MA and I can’t get a job, plus my self esteem is so low that I don’t think I could get through a job interview right now. My 14 yr old daughter is hurting so bad. I wish there were other options. He has threatened to kill me at times. Living in poverty would be worse, I believe. I am also a diabetic so I need his health insurance.
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I am afraid for my life and my childrens lifes, My husband is very abusive and I don’t know what to do, everythime we fight its always over him having a bad day at work or something stupid. I understand that he works hard to support me and my children but he dosn’t think so. At first it was never like this but as time pased things got worse he got worse. We took a trip last year to go camping with some friends and right before we left we got into a dissagreement about me getting him out of bed before 1:00 pm well that led into him holding a loaded gun up to my head. I didn’t know what to do we was in the car and I couldnt move because he had my head shuved against the window, I was afraid. Things got better he said sorry but camping he had struck me several times. Over the past year this has continued and I fill like there is nothing that I can do. Tonight we was at his friends house having a good time and then he started joking that he was going to trade me off so I started joking back well I guess that wasn’t ok because he started throwing tennis balls at me and than that led into him punching me in the face now I have a swallen shut eye and it is hard to breath threw my nose. We get home and he tells me hes sorry he didn’t mean to do it. What should I do I have talked about devorce but he says that if I try to leav him he will kill me and blame it on his depression pluse he keeps threating to take my kids and make it to where I will never see them again if I get away before he kills me. I need someones help or just someone to take to. I am only 23 and already in a bad place.
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Dear Need to be Anonymous,
It is not stupid but you are right, a blog will not have all the answers. It will take one day one step at a time for you. I am happy to hear you are away from abuser and pray that you are able to be free.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Natasha,
You have to leave, what other choice do you have? As I often say, you stay becuase the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying, one day soon, the fear of staying will be great than the fear of leaving. I knew I was to die the day I left. I then decided in that moment, I would rather die leaving than to continue to die a little more each day. If you stay, imagine what you son’s life will be like? This is no way for anyone to live. I do understand all of your fears, but sometimes facing the fear is the best thing that you can do. You are not living a life, you are a slave to this man. You must demand more for your life. I hope that you will call the hotline and get out, far away. I wish that I had more to offer you but it is all in your hands Natasha. You are the one that must decide you want more in your life. Don’t let another year go by and remain in this horrible life.
Keep in touch, i want to know you are well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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hi im natasha. i have been with a man for 6 years now. i am 21 he is 33. he has 3 kids which 2 of them know me as their mom and i just had a baby by him 3 months ago. my problem is that he doesnt let me go anywhere i have no friends no family. not much of anything. i love him so much but he get verbally mentally and phisically abusive with me. i i mess up alot around the house by accidently breaking things forgetting 2 clean stuff up. and when we argue or have disagrements i often cut him off or raise my voice which gets him really angry. i am not alowed 2 leave the relationship even though i have n the beginning. but now days if i even speak of it he will beat me. and he also says that if i ever do leave he will kill me cause thats the only way out of this relationship. he tells me hurtful and degrading things like i have no other dad except for him. and makes me call him daddy. and im not allowed 2 call my stepfather who died dad and i am not allow 2 even talk about searching for my real dad. i cant go anywhere without him and sometimes i cant even stay home by myself. he blames me for everything and whenever he makes mistakes he still thinks hes right. he even made a list of things he expects me 2 do daily such as wake him up with head every morning, give him head for 5 mins at specific times of the day, never cut him off never have attitude in my voice, never speak of another dad, never tell him what i am and am not going 2 do, and so many other things. which some of them are fine but not when he tells me that if i dont do them i will get reminders. the reminders are smacks. which i have 2 get down on my knees in fromt of him and take between 5-50 smacks. then afterwards i have 2 say thank u daddy and give him head. if i dont take my smacks like i really want them he will just give me more. and recently i said something to him which pissed him off and he punched me 2 times in my face and gave me a slight black eye and a swollen face. please help because my fears are that if i leave he will kill me. and i have 2 see him because we have a kid together. but also the other issue is that he will take my baby away from me just like he did with his 3 other kids. i love my son so much and i have always wanted a baby. i dont want him 2 take my son and i dont want to die. please help i dont know what 2 do cause im so scared 2 leave because he will find me. also how do i get over the fact that i love him so much? that also stops me from leaving. but i know that if i stay things will get worse. i just know it.
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I’m in the Hospital in Houston. Orderly brought me a laptop to post. I’m selling all I can to make money to get back to my country. at least i can work and my kids can be around family. i was stupid to think a blog could have ansewrs…. sorry for this all. its all my fault. in this day i shouldnt be so dumb
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I’ve come back to see a reply. I’m concerned if I call a hotline, its all traced and recorded. He’s left me paranoid and very fearful. I’m under his ‘visa’ cannot work in the USA so have no means at all to earn money to get away. I have sporadic family from my country, none able to help financially or even shelter. So going to a shelter what does that do when I cannot earn any $$$ to get on my feet? I can try to sneak little by little. Our passports are gone, I don’t know where he has them. I have no birth certificates. Somehow I need to find a way to get moeny to leave to our country and go to a judge locally and then our embassy for our documents for proof at the border. NO he won’t change. He proves that about every 4 days. Its all sweet and calm and loving and then BOOM! Its high 80’s and I have a long sleeve shirt on from his latest attack. Really in this day and age, why could this be so difficult? because these men think of everything to hold over you and leave you feeling they have you under their thumb. That you cannot live without them literally. and he makes good money. already given so much information i fear he will read this. the password on my little laptop is so hard to remember I have to look it up every time I sign on. then I hide it with velcro in our mattress under a strap that looks like the normal part of the mattress. yes. how sick is that. my son offered his little video to get evidence next time mom… how can a 12 yr old live liek that. what kind of mother am i that i have a son that is thinking of that? i feel like a shitty horrible mom. no son should ever take care of me to get out of a situation. how could i allow this? I guess i will steal ever dime penny all i can and go back to a shelter in my country and then work. after days later, I can hardly walk. he strokes my head and the pain on it I don’t dare tell him to stop touching my head or he’ll just beat me into the ground again. he uses excuses of course over and over. i read all my life about women like this. can’t fce i’m one of them. but my babies matter more than anything. i need to do this for them. even if i never get out alive. i need to save their lives. how could i live like this putting my kids through this? I am a horrible mother. what iam i teaching them?
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Dear Hunni,
We can’t hope that he won’t hurt you with all that he has already done. We all have this dream of our children having this wonderful father. I stayed way too long for that reason, so long that my son almost got to see daddy killl mommy. My staying so long because I didn’t think I could do it alone, caused my son PTSD that has lasted 15 years now and going. Can abusers ever change, only if they are the ones that want the change. but, for the most part no, he will not change for he doesn’t sound as though he feels he is doing anything wrong. You can do it on your own, my mother did it with 5 kids. Your life will get worse day by day. I pray that you find the strength to leave.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I would never force help on anyone or report an IP, this is a safe place to vent and feel support. I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with. Have you called the hotline? Isn’t there anyway that they can get you somewhere safe to get you on your feet? I know the place you are in, living in fear like that is so much that you can’t think of anything else. I know my saying to leave won’t make it happen. Many women here are in the same situation as you are, living in abuse, wanting to leave but not knowing how to go about it, no money, now where to go. He will not change, things will not get better, you already know all of this.
it is safe here, let me know how we can help you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Anne,
Regardless of his day, you don’t treat others that way. You stay because you are afraid to leave. When you are more afraid of staying you will finally leave. You don’t deserve any of this. If you can get out, do it now. We are here to support you but in the end, it is all up to you. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you must, one day he will kill you or come pretty close.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hello Blanca,
so sorry I have been out of touch and took so log to respond. Thank god she has a friend like you to be with her. She has to do the hard stuff. You finally decide, is it worth if to fight for my life or give into this nut. I had to take every bit of strenght that I had and walk up the court stairs for the restraning order, I remembered him telling me how I would die if I ever involved teh police. I had finally had enough as the saying goes. I prefered a bullet in the head than dying a bit each day with him in my life. It will be hard but she is better off going through the hell now to come out on the other side.
I am glad that you are there for her. I am creating a site for women in the aftermath, it is at http://www.RebeccaBurns.com it helps woman understand that what they are doing through is normal and that nightmares are a given. Day by day we will be there to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Can you get to a shelter? Have you called the hotline? They will get you some where away from him. Time enough to find other options. I am so sorry, this is no way to live.
My prayers are with you and your children.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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belen jacome
Hie baby please l beg you in the name of God, this man will kill you because if he has already been in jail he has nothing to fear. My sister life is short and we live once. Take care
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My husband has me under his thumb. I’m stuck under his visa in usa as dependent and our young teen children are under same visa. I cannot work under these terms and he said he’d fight me for the kids and then have be deported. He abuses me, something in him triggers when I’m sick. Recently diagnosed with ulcer and irratiable bowel syndrome. Was in the hospital, now taking meds. Its not the first time he’s like this. When I’ve had the flu or what other kind of illness, his abuse increases 10 fold. This morning he was doing something nice for me and I asked him if he could also bring a couple of fruits to me with tea since I’m in a lot of pain. Now I’m covered in scratches and another concussion to my head, and my whole body aches from trying to run and protect myself and get him off of attacking me. He went insane calling me crazy and horrible names bashed his way into the bedroom breaking the door throwing the fruit in a glass dish at my head, ripping out pieces of my hair and telling me he’s leaving and he will take the kids. No one will believe me that he is abusive spountanously. Really out of the blue. I never know whats going to set him off and this morning i still don’t know why me asking for a little bit of something, he said what he did (the nice thing) was more than good enough and I’m horrible to expect him to cater to me. I never wanted to be catered to, I asked for a small thing that would take 5 minutes and needed to go back to bed. I’m aching everywhere. I have no money at all. He made sure of that. I’m terrified have no choices. Going back home, there’s no one to support or help me out to get back on my feet, as far as family goes. Its extremely expensive compared to where we are, I dont know how to manage. I’m afraid to go to courts and judge ordering kids to go with him because of my inability financially to care for them. I’m terrified to the core. I need advice. I don’t kneed someone tracing my IP or trying to call for help on my behalf. Please don’t do that to me. Please don’t force help on me. I need a safe place to get advice.
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my husband is beating me up callin me a bitch tellin me if i try talk bk he will kill me we got 2 beautifull children who he belives 1 is not his he often pushin me or hitting infront of my doughter i live in uk and i come from poland i dont have any friends no where to go as he separated me from what i had 8yearz ago…when i call police they separate him for 24 h then he comes bk he tellin me he gonna change never last long i live in hell
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Hi, I am a 24 year old female, Ive had 3 kids with my husband since i was 19. At first the abuse started shortly after we reunited from High school and got pregnant with my first son. He would terrorize me about my past all the mistakes ive made call me names, and this made me angry so I would fire back at him and say things that I didn’t mean and things that I shouldn’t have said. This lead to him abusing me. He would hit me in the leg and leave bruises where he knew ppl wouldn’t see them and he would twist my arms and through me down, and the main thing he does is grab and strangle me. My safe place is my bed where i run and know that i have a soft padding for when he holds me down. He went to Jail when our first son was 6 months old and had to take Anger management classes. His mom hates me and thinks I had him falsely arrested and she works for social services and tried taking my son from me. Thats what scared me the most was loosing my child. After jail we got back together he was in anger management but he still abused me even giving me a fat lip one time but mainly sticking to his strangling tactic. I was afraid at that time to leave him because I was afraid that all his family would support him and that theyd take my son. My mom died when I was young and I stopped talking to my step dad b4 I was pregnant, I had no family to go to. So day in and day out I try to make it work. There has been good times and bad times. A little over a year ago we moved out of state away from his family and near my real dad and sister. My real dad never had custody of me and ive never been close with him, he is poor and wouldn’t be able to help even if I asked. Ever since weve moved the last year has been the best year. He doesn’t terrorize me about my past and get me all worked up and vice versa ive tried to watch what i say out of anger. Hes working full time and going to school while I stay home with our 3 kids. He still occasionally degrades me and calls me lazy because I stay home with them but what hurts the worst is that today for the first time in a year just when I thought things were getting better, we got in an argument about something stupid and he threw me around by the neck and stormed off. I cannot take care of a 4 year old 2 year old and 7 month old on my own. I want them to have there daddy but I’m just lost and don’t know what to do. I dont think he would purposely bring serious harm to me but I think his anger can get the best of him and he could do something he would regret. Also my 4 year old is starting to understand things alot more, today it broke my heart when he looked at me and said, ” daddy hurt you” and I had to say no baby mommies okay. Can abusers really ever change, was I fooling myself when I thought he had changed.
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Hi there,
I am writing here because of my friend, she is laying next to me with bags if ice all over body, because her husband just beat her up. Her face is swollen beyond recognition. She had to leave while he is sleeping right now. Its the first time he hit her and he threaten her and said if she calls the cops he will make sure her parents and sisters “dissapear”….I am pushing her to go to the cops but she’s scared because she doesn’t want anything to happen to her family…she still has to go back and get her stuff out of their appartment and she claims that she “knows” he will leave her alone and they will divorse after this. She said if she gets the cops involved it will make it worst be cuase he won’t stop until he makes her life a living hell…Help!!!!
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My husband and I got into an argument and he stated that he wants to punch me in the face. He has never hit me, but he has done other stuff. One night he was arguing with me about not cooking dinner. So I made dinner, turkey burgers. He started screaming that he is sick of eating turkey burgers and upset that I don’t widen my recipes. As I was eating me grabbed the turkey burger and started to push the whole thing into my mouth almost choking me. There have been other things too. He says I don’t move fast enough so he’ll just shove me out of the way. I didn’t get hurt or anything. I find myself making excuses for him, like, he works alot so he’s probably just tired. He yells at me all the time, calls me fat and I am not attractive anymore. Tells me how horrible I am. He makes me cry all ofthe time. I am not sure why I stay with him. I am starting to feel no love for him and am starting to hate him. I just need support.
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Dear Caroline,
I think you wrote before as your story was so famalier. I am sorry for all that you are going through but happy that you are away from him. Hang on, it will take time to move on from all of this. I have no idea in regards to a lawyer, I would check out the link I have here http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php it can hopefully point you in the right direction for a lawyer. I wish that there was more that I could do for you now, we pray for you and hope to hear from you again soon. Thanks for sharing so much of your pain with us all.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi,i really need help at this stage i have reached i don’t no want to do any more i don’t have a family here in this country just my husband . My husband is manipulative, emotional and physically abusive,i have a lot to tell but i will just short the story because when i think about want has been happening to me my ayes roll with full of tiers.my husband his a pensioner he doesn’t work at all so when he married me and we came to this country he didn’t want me to work but i didn’t no the reason why at that time,so i told him i want to look for a job,and i want to apply for college because at my age 23 at that time i need to do something not sitting int house. after 7 months started college so i told my husband if its possible for him to pay for me he told me because i refused to listen to him i didn’t want to stay in the house he wont pay for me and studying is west of time and money.
so i went and talk to my principle if i can give me a job has a receptionist part time so that i can be able to pay my school so my principle gave me the job.when i went home and told my husband about that he was not happy at all he hit me very hard in my chest i was nearly to collapse i was very shocked and confused i just run to the toilet and locked my self he came and start bagging the door but i didn’t open i stayed there until morning when he went out.so he started telling me because i am working now he want the money because his the one who brought me here if not he will tell the immigration to take me back home,and ask him who will pay my school and u have refused to do so he told me i want you to stay at home so we stated having problem everyday,he didn’t want me to have friends at all.he become more jealousy of me because i was working and studying came home doing my assignments sometimes he will take my assignments and laptop hid them when i ask him about them he will came and start hitting me very bad hold my neck put me in the flow and sit on my back chocking me,i thought i was going to die i really cried begged him to stop then he did i run to guest room and lock my self there for two day without eating or drinking i was really scared to came out of that room i didn’t no want to do or whom to tell because i didn’t want to spoil my husband name.
i really loved my husband so much but he made me to start loosing hope because of his behavior and jealousy ,at my age i couldn’t stay in the house doing nothing like him because his over 60s him he has hard his young life and now no chance any more so his trying to make me stay in the house and telling me there is no need to work there will give you benefit but i told him were i am coming from we don’t wait for free money so i told him no i will work i don’t need benefit like you,and i need to studying to get a better job in future so i told him way cant you go and look for a job were you will keep your self busy more than sitting in the house doing nothing all day.when i told him that he wanted to bit me so i told him if you hit me i will call the police because one of my friend told me the day he will try to hit you call the police but to me i didn’t like the a dear because were am coming from calling a police for your husband is not right.but i just wanted to scare him not to hit me.but he did he started hitting me and telling if you try calling a police you think there will believe you first i am from African police there wont care coz i am foreigner and second he will tell them to take me back to African were you came from ,so there wont help you at all.and before you call the police i will kill you and through you were no one will ever fined you and your family will never see you again,i new i was dying that day he broke my harm and my leg my neck i couldn’t even talk the next morning because of pain all over my body .
so many things happen to me same even i cant right them here he treated me badly because i am a foreigner he new there his nothing i could do even if he hits me again and again and again he use to call me bad names which i have never had someone called me before ,i couldn’t go anywhere because i didn’t no my right sometimes even i could stay for 3 days without food ,one day he chest me out of our house telling me to sleep outside because i went to my friend bath day party.he through my things out hit me again as usually i told me that his house he doesn’t want me there. i went to my friend house I told my friend want happen and she told me u need to tell the police about this but me i couldn’t i do love my husband how can i call the police for him.i stayed in my friends house for 2 months one day i got a letter from home office at my work place saying my husband wrote a later saying we are no longer together and i run away from home and he want me to be taken back in African i couldn’t believe he couldn’t do that to me so i ask me self inside me why this man married me i don’t think its because of love i think he was lonely that way he married me.but after same weeks he came and applogyes and we went to coat and agreed he was wrong but he told me not to say want has been happening , him hitting me .so i didn’t.so we went home .
After same months we hard a little misunderstanding went to work when i came back he took my laptop and my USB,s for my assignment and hid them again jewelers, that time my step uncle was here with his wife and children i went to stay with them for a few days when i came back home i found my things packed i went inside asking him why he as packed my things after few seconds three men came with mask on there faces and started biting me throw me on the sitters and there were trying to put me in the car boot but i manage to run away i called the police but the police came later was shaking i couldn’t talk well i thought i was dreaming i tried to talk to police but i couldn’t because i was in a really shock so there told me if i have somewhere to go and i stayed yes i went to my friend house ,i was lucky i was alive because i thought i was going to die .now i rented a house some were ,and because i am working i can afford to pay my rent . i think this time i want divorce i do love my husband but i can s=do this anymore …do you think it will affect my visa because there gave me live to remain with a limit because i didn’t do English text plizzzzz i really need your help and i need a lawyer to talk to who can advice me want to do.thanks
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Dear Sally,
Thank you for writing on behalf of your friend. I first recommend you check out the following site, it is to help others on what to do if a loved one is being abused http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/helping-a-friend/
You can’t make her leave, she is the only one that can decide this. As hard as it is for loved ones you can only be there when you can. Some findit too hard to e there for others as they see the abuse and can’t stop it.
I wish you all the best and pray that someday your friend will find the resources to leave.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Dace,
Call the hot line number you see here 1-800-799-7233 they can advise you and help you get out. They may be able to find a way to get you home, i don’t know for sure but they will at least get you out and into a safe place. Keep the dog, he sounds like a protector and knows you are being hurt. I am so sorry that you have left all your family to come to this. Many abusers do this on purpose, move you from family and friends. Call the number, I used to call them everyday towards the end, just to have someone to talk to. I wish that I could come scoop you up and get you away from everything. Let us know how you are doing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi, Im writing on behalf of my friend. Her husband has been very controlling since the beginning of the marriage. She is not allowed to see friend, have a cell phone, use a computer or leave the house alone. He never gave her any money. So basically he’s locked her up in the house. She has a 7 month old son and he hits him just because hes crying. So he hit her the other day for the first time and I know this is just the beginning. She wont let me call the cops. She says what will happen to her son, at least she has clothes on her back now. I told her to leave him but she has no where to go. He didnt let her finish school or learn how to drive. Can you please tell me if she leaves him, is there anyone who can help her financially and help her stand on her foot. I will help her but i cant give her a place to stay or money. Can you tell me if there is any place for these kind of women?
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hi
i dont know what to do anymore. I have been married to my husband for almoust 4 years now everything was nice and perfect in my country but once i mooved to US where he is from everything has change he is not the same person he calls me names all the time e makes me feel down every day like i should be guilty of something. first 7 mounth i been here he always left me alone in te house never take me outside knowing that where we use to live that i couldnt go anywhere without car he just didnt care i been crying almoust every day but he never cared instead he smile in my face.
now he is starting to pick up basball bat becouse when he yells at me or gets in my face my dog jumps on him and barks he tried to hit my dog and hit me in leg wit basball bat. im affraid of what will be next. i am not working yet been here almoust a year now but cant find a jobe have no way to get back home or any friends here in US to stay with im really scared what he could do to me he always accts out and then next day accts like nothing happened and tells he loves me. and always its the same thing one day it will be calm and next he will start calling me names and breaking stuff around the house please help me and tell me what to do?
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Dear Ashley,
Thank you for writing on behalf of your friend, she is lucky to have you. She needs to call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 they will confidentially help her get out safely. They will help her get in a safe house or to where she needs to go. The following is a link to a site that can help find resources for her too: http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php
Let me know how we can support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I have a friend that says her boyfriend abuses her and they have a son together she says he says he dont want nothing to do with her and talks to other girls but wont let her leave she said shes also left before cause he always finds her and stalks her. She said he is very connected and knows many people and she doesnt know what to do he is scaring her but she wants to leave but doesnt know how to with out him finding her.
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Dear Michelle,
Wow, you are in such a difficult place. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You are special, you are not meant to live this way. What should you do, call the hotline, get out, anything would be better than this I would think. The hotline can give you live advice on the steps you can take to get out. If no children are involved it may be easier to get out. Can you go home? It is only going to get worse, I don’t say it to scare you, I say it because you know it is true.
Let us know how we can be here for you. You are in our well wishes and prayers tonight that you will get out safely so that you can smile and be happy.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Hi . evryone.
My name is Michelle i have 25 years old and i just got maried 1 year ago.I am original from Romania my husband he is romanian too but he live in USA for th epast 7 years before he meet me.He was maried whit another women but him mariage was not real because he use that lady for the papers.After he got the papers.and cityzenship.he divorce and he start search for another one.Well i meet him on a website i was in love young and i start talk whit him evry night for the past 2 years .After that he come meet me and ask me like a wife.Mom mom dont accept this realtion because is to far from my contry ..well done i lessend my hart and i run in the midlle of night whit some clothes to be forever whit him.
I meet him family too and then i find out i need to stay one year to wait for the papers.wich i did in the name of love.I hide of my family one year.Finaly i am in USA maried …One gig year of punishment…verbal abuse .he even hit me 2 times i call 911 for help..but he dont change …he dont have a job …he keep me in a house whit 2 bedrooms 1 for the roomatte one for as but to small..i dind say nothing i dind complain..worst thing is i am alone far from my house i cant talk whit no one because i dont have frends here..he always keep to tell me to not become frend whit girls from here are to dangerous and better stay in home..i never go to disco. JUST home in kitcken …clean..and on laptop..He dont talk whit me he go to fishing evry day ..let me whit no food in house no car so i can go my self ..but he keep force me to go to work so why can have money…2012 december come and he need to take off my conditional green card but he told me he will not sign the papers if i am not a good girl.!!!..I odnt care so mach but hurt me for all i have suffer for this mariaje just to be whit him….He keep tellling me that he throu me out from Usa when he want.!! Hurt me again and again …i never recieve from him a flower ..a candy not even on my birthday on 5 january..he told me i am not special to get something..left me in the car cryng…I just want to show him i have power to ..So pllease sorry for my language i have big issue..TELLL me what shuld i do???……I cannot explain to my mom my feelings because she’s sick .and i dont want her to suffer because of me…But deep in my hart i know i dont deserve such a treatment from him.
I am teling you all this because it is under my power her ein USA…whatever u think i shuld do tell me.
Thanks you so mach !!! God bless you…
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Dear Monica,
Yes, leave him. You are not responsible to who he is with after. I worry of that too, but you must escape before worrying about others.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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My husband abuses me for 24 years. I have been trying to leave him for 24 years, and he always uses excuses such as, “after my business trip next week”. In order to support him and my children, I have kept silence. He agree to let me go today, and start to look for another woman. Should I let him marry and abuse someone else?
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Dear Not Much Left,
I am so sorry to take so long to post. Your post broke my heart. You must leave, now. I know you love him, it is normal, love yourself more. If he kills him self that is his choice, if he kills you, is that yours? No. If he kills you he will have your children. You deserve more. I can sit here and preach to the Heavens but that is not what is important today, it is important that you leave before he kills you or the children. If you have family to take you in go. I can remember when I worried about losing possesstions and stuff, then after years of abuse, I was so grateful just to get out with my life and my sons. I knew I would die that night if I did not take action. You can do this, it will be the hardest damn thing you have ever done but you must do it, no one can do it for you.
You must stand up and take your life back. You will find the tools to cope after, but, there will not be an after if he kills you, your children will spend the rest of their lives mourning you. I know this is harsh but it is the reality of what will happen if you stay.
You asked, what if it is the wrong decision? It will never, ever be the wrong decision. You are living with such anxiety and fear that you can not see the forest through the trees. Others would be horrified to hear the things you must deal with daily and have to accept them to survive.
I know how you are living, we all do here. We support you, call the abuse hot line, make it happen.. Don’t stay another day wishing things to change. Make them change. How he feels does not matter. If this is your comfort zone, you will die in that comfortable zone. Write the pros and cons of staying versus leaving. The cons will outweigh the pros.
Get help now, get out. I support many that are still in the abuse and will be here for you either way, I never judge, I get it so make sure to keep in touch either way. Just know, you can do this, as crazy as it seems, you are reaching out now because you don’t want this anymore, you have had enough. Find ways everyday to get stronger. Make it happen, you will be so glad that you did, you really can have a different, happy life some day sweetheart.
Write soon, I will worry if you don’t. We are here for you and you are in my prayers tonight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Sometimes it is good here. More often now he gets so mad at me. I don’t believe I do anything wrong but he does and makes me feel that way. He is physically and emotionally (mentally) abusive. I can leave when he is at work. I think I have many friends and family that will take me and my three sons in ages 9, 11, and 12. A couple friends and family members know what is going on and cannot understand why i stay. It is hard to walk away from my home and everything I have ever worked for. I love him and seriously wish he would realize what he has. If I leave it will have to be for good and I am scared. Even his own mom supports me. I just dont know what to do. I feel as if I am going to lose it. I feared leaving more than staying and like you said leave when you fear staying more than leaving. Well I am getting to that point. I fear staying and leaving. This is still very much my comfort zone, I will be soo home sick. I left before for a couple days and he threatened to kill himself blaming me if he did. I dont know if I could live with that. He owns a lot of guns. We have a lot of good times but any more I feel he hates me. Even the looks I get hurt and scare me now. He hates his job and takes it out on me. I recently was layed off and I put applications in almost daily. He keeps telling me get a job. and makes me feel like shit. Who is gonna babysit our children. I am afraid to leave them with him and go to work at night. I am afraid to leave. I dont know how to get the courage to leave. I feel so sick to my stomach. What if it is the wrong decision. There is soo much more and things are bad. I need strength.
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Please Email me your info I need your advised,
Thank you
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Dear Anonymous,
Post 5/17/10 12:43pm
You asked to help, you have money but not in your name. I am so sad to hear all that you are going through, then adding chemo to all of that. If you are married wouldn’t part of the money be yours in a divorce? I would say if you are in immediate danger to call the Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you find a way out. Is there anyway to start hiding money to make a plan to get out? I found this site for you, they help disabled abuse victems. My prayer is that they can help you. http://www.awhl.org/
Let us know how we can support you. You are in my heart tonight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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help me – we have money – but not in my name – he has made my life more than difficult – i have been on chemo for ten years – now i have no way out – what do i do ? i’m constantly tired and in need of physical help.. he is the one who takes care of me… what do i do now…
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Dear Kit,
Sorry to long to respond. You need to get out, you are not living you are surviving, I remember that all too well. I never ended up in the hospital but what I went through we sheer abuse, horrified for each breath, we he strike, we he belittle what would he do. You don’t need an emergency room visit to be abused and many don’t realize that.
I encourage you to call the abuse hotline and get help to get out. Do it how they advise. From what you wrote you are one of the ones that will be eventually harmed where there is no coming back. You are not alone and you will have a life, just not this horrible one.
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Love & Peace Darling,
Rebecca
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I married at age (barely16) my husband 18. He had a very mean dad. Lots of abuse in his home. Within a few weeks his abuse started. I was too young and did not really know him. He was very nice and then very horrible. Once within a few weeks of marriage he got my dad’s gun down and told me I better not try to go to church? I was terrified. I cried but then I loved him and he begged me to fortgive him. He would go into rages but not really “beat” me just scare me. I thought he would hurt me. But, all of these years off and on he has slapped my face dumped bowls of food on the floor kicked kids toys around broken things threw lots of things (to scare me) ect..
My two children know all of this. They are grown now. Once when they were very young……..I had been abused and made a big mistake. I got a job and met a guy who I told about my abuse and he was very nice to me. I wanted out so I sued for divorce but then guilt came and I dropped it. My husband begged me to stay…so I did. Now it has been 47 years. Nothing but torture mostly. He brings up my affair.Even though I was abused I still did wrong myself. But, later, he had affairs…and it has been one thing after another. The family does not know about my life. I keep it a secret. I am feeling like I am going crazy now. I am 63 now. Just the other night he got violent…but did not hit me. He is causing me to get violent now…I feel that if he ever hit me again that it will be his last time….I am scared of my anger and feelings. I keep thinking that I am no good because if I was decent then why did I let him get away with all the slaps years ago and his temper tantrums now? He once held a door on me in a bedroom and I started going crazy and started screaming like he was killing me( I was so angry) then he let me go and then pulled me against the wall and it felt like he was choking me..he then let me go. then he acted like it was MY fault? he always says I start it because he says I keep talking about things. He never could calmly discuss things he carries grudges against anyone that has ever not liked him, ect. He worked very hard for us and I worked hard too. But, my problem is that financially and my image in our family what can I do? I feel its way too late now. The reason I am scared is because now I am having flashbacks and think I should have done something to him when he slapped me, ect. but now why am I being so angry. I think for years I have been thinking why have I taken this. After, all I have went through and now it seems useless. he ruins all holidays and gets verbally abusive..he always blames me…
Or, he usually says he is sorry.. I couldn’t list all of the abuse. But, never have I been hurt to go to hospital..so then I think I am really not abused…? I keep wanting to leave for years but my life is a fake one and everyone would be shocked to know the truth. any one with any insight would be helpful to me Thanks Kit
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i dont know where to start,my husband has sexually assualted me twice verbally abuses me calls me names in front of his children,says that i murdered my baby yet it was a miscarriage,he treats me with no respect inside our house yet outside people think he is sweet,he is in the army,married twice before and i just found out that both ex wives have said in court papers that he raped them,im so confused and numb from all the pain he has put me through,why is he doing this to me the one person who gave up he rlife in new york to be with him.He promised me a fairytale yet its been a nightmare all year..please help me im lost and alone
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Dear Adi,
YES, YES! Stop calling him and run for the hills woman. Most women can’t get away from this crap and you have. Read your post, do you really want him to answer the phone or are you just suddenly free and don’t know what to do? This abuse will eventually lead to physical harm. Please don’t let it get to that.
Forget him, it will be the best thing you ever left behind.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Sorry so long to post. Your last line gave me chills. “Please give me the courage to move out! You are asking for help, that is the first step. If you want to leave but can’t call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
I was knocking on their door, it is pretty scary. I say that in my case, I had feared leaving more than I feared staying. When I finally feared staying more than going, I left.
Hope that makes sense.
You do deserve better, you know you are not a piece of crap. If you can arrange a marriage you sure as hell should be able to arrange a divorce. It isn’t that God doesn’t want you to exist, maybe just that he wants you to make the choice to leave, rather than just stay and die. He maybe wants you to fight for your life too. Maybe.
I know for me that by my leaving instead of getting killed or continuing has made me much stronger for I felt I had finally stood up to the scariest man I had ever met. (this is over 10 years ago and still him, yeah)
Stop thinking of anyone but yourself. No one on the earth matters but God and You right now. You believe in Him and He believes in You!
Get out!
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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my husband who is in the army cheated on me many times. he has been talking to women behind my back. i always forgive him thinking he might change like he promised. then later he said he don’t need me anymore, calling me names, insulting me and trying to take my top off inside the car at daytime infront of so many houses. i left the house because if i won’t he might kick me out bcoz he said that he pays for the rent. i can’t take watching him do those stuff infront of me. now i am in a different state and i can’t even reach him when there is emergency bcoz he won’t answer the phone. he had too much alibis. he will only pick it up if he wants too. there are more situations but i can’t tell them all one by one…..i just want to know if this is called abuse too…..
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Why do men hit their women? My husband is manipulative,emotional and physically abusive.He hits me and says really nasty things..We do-not have any friends and absolutely no social life.I do-not have any friends either.
He says things like I am useless and uses a lot of profanity.I really want to leave but do-not have the courage.He also says nasty things about my job saying I am a worthless piece of sh…
I fell I deserve a better life but divorce is not a part of my religion and I am bound by it.and on top that,we had an arranged marriage.
He has stopped me from calling my parents too.I feel lonely and depressed.
I wish I could undo everything and marry someone else.
Sometimes I feel this is happening because God does not want me to exist and he is punishing me for existing.
Please give me the courage to move out!!
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I have been raped five times and have gotten 6 kids out of it. I cannot see my kids and it really sucks. The guy who raped me is my ex. He told me he would never kill me, but if I see my kids or have contact with them then he will kill them and his friends will kill me. I gave them to my friend to live with and she is an awesome mom. The sad thing about it is that my kids do not even know about me. They think my best friend is their mom. My oldest Jonathon is 4 right now and he saw me for the first two years of his life. I hate it. The sad thing is though the guy who raped me keeps coming back and abusing me. I got him arrested one time and I got calls saying I’m going to kill you. I got him out and stuff because he sends his friends to come and hurt me also. I do not know where to turn and am so scared of everything. I figure maybe if I go back with him, he will quit all this crap. I don’t know anymore. I want to see my kids. I miss them, I am pregnant now and it scares me because who knows if my kid is going to be okay. I can’t put him back in jail, the cops keep blowing me off and stuff…im just completly confused…help
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Hi, I have been married 10 years and we have 2 children. I was a stay at home mom with work from home type jobs, and he was in sales traveling a tri-state area and he started getting into the habit of going out drinking with his coworkers after work. Well he switched jobs a couple years ago and started going out after work drinking, he wouldn’t call so I pretty much guessed thats what he was doing. When he did come home he could barely walk, and sometimes he didn’t come home at all. The times when he didn’t go out he would drink here at home until he was so drunk I’d have to help him to bed because he would fall. Last summer when he was drinking he started calling me names, he called me a whore, he told me he wished I was dead, and when I got up to leave the room because i didn’t want to hear anymore he came after me and squeezed me hard against him so I couldn’t move. I tried to get him to stop, but he pushed me to the ground, he tried to hit me but I blocked my face. I got up and tried to run to the bathroom because that door locks but he caught me again and squeezed my wrists I struggled to get free, and he kicked me, he threw me to the ground, laid on top of my back and covered my mouth and nose so I couldn’t breathe, I was scared and when he got off me I ran outside, my kids were still in the house sleeping through all that but I needed to be away from him. He told me good luck being homeless and locked the door behind me. I wasn’t sure what to do so I walked around the block, it was storming out, and I had no shoes on, no phone, no keys, and my kids were still in the house so I went back and he acted like he was worried about me and he called the cops saying he didn’t know where I was, but they never came. So I stayed and when he left for work the next day I called the abuse hot line and they told me to see if he will go into counseling. I asked him and of course he refused. I took pictures of my bruises but I didn’t know what to do with them. I told one friend but they live so far away they really can’t help, but they told me I should get out before it gets worse. I told my mother and she told me I don’t have to stay with him but if I think I can work it out, I should, and she didn’t even offer me a place to stay. My husband and I try to get along but when we fight I am always scared he will snap. He doesn’t drink as much anymore because I work at night now so he has to be here for the kids. We got into a big fight on New Years day and I told him I can’t take it anymore. He told me it’s not smart to make him angry when he has all these knives in the house. He collects knives and he does have a lot, and I was so shocked he would say that. He finally calmed down and he said he didn’t mean it but I’m not so sure. He said if he really meant it he would have killed me already, when I’m sleeping or something so thats how I should know he didn’t mean it? I am so confused, because sometimes we get along and he’s so good to the kids, I don’t want them to have a bad relationship with him, or for him to go to jail, but sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in my own house when he’s around, I don’t know what to do and I have nowhere to go, and if that’s all the hotline does is suggest counseling I am afraid when he really snaps, and succeeds in hurting me badly enough to go to the hospital or worse. I need to have a way to get out if I need to, safely with my kids, I am at the part where I am more scared to leave than stay, because this time it was only a threat, not physical like last time, and to me it doesn’t seem as bad as what has happened in some of your lives on here. I would like to know where I can go and what I can do for next time. Will we end up in a shelter if we can’t find someone to help us? Any help will be a blessing to me.
thank you
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Dear Dear Lola,
I wish I could give you a big hug and let you cry and talk. You are so wound up, your fear jumps off the page at me. You are NOT responsible for him not getting visa or his being upset. You ARE only responsible for your life and safety. He IS going to eventually hurt or worse kill you. Then it is all said and done, he has won and you are gone forever.
If you can be taken somwhere safe I beg you to press changes, so what if he must leave, then you will beable to recover slowly and not live in fear of him coming and killing you or your family. Most women dream their husbands would be taken away so that they are not living in such fear. Sadly even after my husband died I still lived in fear of him.
If you read your blog post again a few times you will see what you must do. This isn’t something you can put off for anytime. You are in serious threat now. I live this way too and I fully understand your fear of leaving but if you don’t, nothing will change in your favor. He is going to harm you. You are his excuse for all that is wrong and no matter what you do you can never change that.
Take your life back now, I beg of you. Write again, we are all praying for your safety.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Susan,
Yes, they will be better able to assist you and help make a plan to get her out. I was unable to call from home since he too monitored my calls and never worked. She has to be the one that wants to leave this, not you or your family. I understand the threat of leaving and being killed but that night it finally hit me, I would rather be killed trying to leave then slowly killed each day by staying.
Call the hotline, they are better equipped with the resources to get her help to get out. I do my best to support those in the aftermath and am not best able to help her in getting out safely. I support you for being there for your sister. She must feel so trapped and alone and you are one of her lifelines. Be strong, she can get out.
Call the hotline, their goal is to get her out and keep her and children safe. They will help you as well.
Love & Peace,
You are all in my prayers tonight.
Rebecca
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Will the abuse hotline be able to help in such a situation? My sister is disabled and has children. She has been with this thing for 23 years now. He is the reason she is disabled – kicking her down a flight of stairs messing up her back. He is getting worse with hitting her and threatening to kill her. She has never pressed charges on him though she has called the police a few times. She wants to leave, but he has threatened to kill her family along with her if she came home. He would definately do it. He is not one that is all talk. She cannot say much on the phone or get away because he does not work and screens all phone calls. Is there any way I can help as a family member that you know of to help get her somewhere safe with the children where he could not find them?
Thanks, Susan
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hi
Iam with my husband almost 3 years now. I moved in because he said that it doesn’t matter that i study and don’t have money he wants me next to him and he is ready to support me financially and mentally, i was naive enough and said yes, moved out from my parent place full with excitement about my ‘nice’ boyfriend. After some time he needed help to get viza so i decided to help him, i offered him to put my name as a partner on the applications but he was pushing to get married and then apply. I was very confused about the whole marriage thing but i said yes and we went ahead. He start abusing me physically ( never sexually) and became normal part of our relationship there was always reason why he is pissed off and the reason was me. I was not doing anything but cleaning, washing, and looking after him but was never enough for him so i had to take the punishment for it.
This is the time when i start living with fear every day and didn’t show to any body because i was ashamed.
One time he hit me so hard that we had to go to emergency. They did x-ray to my ribs and my hand and gave me pain killers. I said that i fall down the stairs, they believed me.
One day i came back from my parent place and i was 30 min late for dinner, he start threatening me stepping on my foot and scaring me for 3 hours. I txt my sister to call my dad to get me out of there, my husband didn’t know. My dad arrived and said to him that we should spend some time apart from each other, he start saying to my dad that he have no right to be there, come in his house and tell him what to do when he have been looking after me for the last year. My dad got angry looked at him and ask him if its about money and he start taking from the pocket. I stand up and went toward the door to go with my dad, my husband said to my dad that they will meet each other again, and we left.
I was so scared that he will come and do something to us that i was making sure all the doors were locked all the time.
A week passed since i left and he was trying to contact me restlessly. I went to talk with him and saw him all in tears, haven’t eat or sleep for a week properly he was apologizing and saying that the wanted to teach me a lesson in a wrong way. I decided to go back home with him.
I came back and it was like a haven for a month and after the hell started not physically but mentally. He is constantly asking me for money to go and borrow from my parents that don’t have. telling me that he don’t want to support me because im not a good wife looking after him but if i leave my parents need to pay him all this time that he spend money on me or he will come and there will be some blood.
I keep explaining him that i cant get any money, and is not that he don’t have but he say is a way to show that I care about him and I can look after him! He say that he regret that he didn’t do anything to my father because he loves me but if i go away all of my family will suffer.
I don’t want to leave because i am scared but i know that this is wrong, i cant sleep at night because i am scared to go to bed alone (this is not me) i am constantly depressed and unhappy, i cant leave the house for a long time because he gets angry if i dont cook dinner for him or spend money on petrol to see my family.
I cannot go and talk to therapist because i was told that they will report him and then he will not get his viza. I cant do that i will feel horrible doing something that i already took responsibility about. I don’t know what to do i cant risk my family but i need help. I am very confused.
Any answer from u will be very appreciated
thank u
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Dear Julija,
Leave! Point blank, no sugar coating. What are you waiting for? This man is telling you he is going to kill or hurt you badly. If he is physically gone I encourage you to leave. By taking that abuse from a distance you are certain to be hurt when he returns.
You have asked for my advice, it is to leave and leave now!
I understand you may still love him but he isn’t showing you real love. He is living a nightmare of a life that many can’t imagine, but so are you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
I pray you write us soon to tell us you are safe and that you have left
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my husband is in the army. while he was home, he smacked me a couple of times. I guess I just believed that he would change… Then he got deployed to Afghanistan and the threats to kill me or beat the crap out of me started over the phone. He was here last month on vacation, when he beat me up and left bruises. I walked into the precinct and walked right back out… I don’t know why. He went back to Afghanistan and now I managed to record our conversation where he repeatedly threatens to kick my @$$. Also he posted my full name, phone number and address on his my space page, calling me all sorts of names… What do I do??
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my husband have girlfriends and sexaully relation with them he ceat on me and abuse me
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I am scared. I love my husband but he isn’t the same as when he met. He was abused by his stepfather and he has hurt my son in the past. Recently he smacked him and kicked him in the butt and he acts like its no big deal. He threatens that if I leave him, he will take our smaller son and run.
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March 20, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I sent my husband to jail for 5 days cause he hit me on my face, can I give him another oportunity if he promises to go to AA and stop drinking?
NO! Contact any local therapist and they can refer you to someone who is free of charge to counsel you into building enough self esteem to leave. Stop this madness. Set a good example for yourself and others and never look back. Life is too short for angry people. Be strong and LEAVE NOW.
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I sent my husband to jail for 5 days cause he hit me on my face, can I give him another oportunity if he promises to go to AA and stop drinking?
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