The fear of being alone with ourselves is … a feeling of embarrassment, bordering sometimes on terror at seeing a person at once so well known and so strange; we are afraid and run away. We thus miss the chance of listening to ourselves, and we continue to ignore our conscience. – Erich Fromm (1900-1980) Man for Himself: An inquiry into the Psychology of Ethics 4.2.B, 1947
How true is this for you? The following is an excerpt from the book I am forever finishing about the solitude I faced.
I was shocked at how alone and frightened I was after my husband was removed, the silence was more deafening and frightening than I could have ever imagined. I couldn’t wait to be away from him but I never realized how alone and more isolated I would feel. I was now alone with my thoughts and they were restlessly fighting to be heard. Day by day, year by year my husband, like most abusers, had isolated me from all family, all other human contact. I now know that he had feared that I would tell someone of the way I lived and he would no longer be the ruler of the house. Suddenly, I could do what I wanted and had complete control over my life, but I had no idea what to do now for I had not lived for a long time now. I felt as though I were coming out of a coma that had lasted for ten years, I couldn’t even remember how to breathe without the fear of doing it too loud and upsetting him. It would take some time for me to remember that I could now have an opinion, but having been so long without being able to genuinely express one, would feel foreign to me, even now over ten years later. I felt so deeply ashamed that I was in my early thirties, and afraid of my own shadow and closing my eyes. The last thing I could do was to let my guard down.
How did you cope with the solitude after domestic violence? Do you find any solitude if you are living in abuse?
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Dear Jan,
Thank you for sharing all you did. Even now, many years later for me I still have my doubts, am I good enough, why have I not been more of what I wanted in life? I know my past took some of the freedom I can’t seem to get back, fearful of men I don’t know well, men who drink, yelling and screaming. They old frighten me. I am the type that needs the no drama life, I demand it now. I will fight every day to be all that I can, trying to stop playing that record you ware no good. Find new records, when I feel I am getting down, I put in what brings me up again, I have certain things, rituals that I know will bring me peace and get me back on track. That is the key.
You will get there, it will stay with you for life, but you decide if it will be in a positive way, like I do here. I don’t sit and dwell in it, I do my best to support others still struggling. I feel set free mentally, I don’t fear him anymore. I now fear not living up to my fullest potential. That is myth battle today.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Jan,
After reading all your posts, I just want to thank each and every one of you for you have helped me with your honesty. For years I dreamed of freedom. Now that I finally have it – it is scary … the door is open and the caged-bird is afraid to take flight outside!
I did whatever I had to do just to keep the ‘peace, to survive another day without provoking his anger … maybe I have forgotten how to relax. All I know is how to avoid trouble and in the end, even that didn’t work.
Nowadays, I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to be anything. I do have to learn how to be me again (whatever that is) and that’s taking time … I really don’t know who I am anymore? Maybe that’s where the fear comes from?
There are days when I feel like I’m nothing at all, rather than the sum total of my many fragmented parts. Other days I see the glimmer of hope. Understanding the cycle of domestic violence is one thing, actually living through it is another … I’m thankful to that little part in me that screamed for freedom and got me out of the abusive situation before it was too late.
All I know is that I want to be happy again, I hate this loneliness but I understand that it’s all part of the healing. It’s going to take time and I can’t rush it even if I wanted too. I am learning to take good care of me, because right now ‘me’ is all that I have …. I’m going to try all of your suggestions, I need all the help I can get.
Keeping a journal has helped me when all else fails ( that and talking long walks with my pooch).
The worst thing is when I go into my ‘rewind mode’ and my mind keeps playing a ‘loop’ of all the abuse that happened … the angry words, the frantic 911 calls and all the drama that I wish I could just erase from my mind once and for all and be done with it.
But I suppose that’s all part of the process … it will take time – I know.
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Dear Tammy,
I can hear your pain jump off the page. I am so dearly sorry for all that you are going through. It is so hard to be where you are. At least you are seeing that it will never change, the only one that you can change is you and that is more than enough for many. God does give strength. Surround yourself with what inspires and motivates you. There are lots of ideas on this blog and other places. Self help, setting goals. One day at a time. You deserve more out of life than what this man has offered. One day at a time and each day will have a little less pain. Get as far away mentally and physically as you can. Keep in touch, we are here to support you during this very difficult time.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Today I am alone. My husband is in jail charged with aggravated assault-murder. why murder, I don’t know, but saw online that is the charge. he held loaded gun to my head friday night until i had a full blown anxiety attack. that stopped him for some reason but he wouldn’t let me go. so he held me captive for about 3 hours until i agreed to go to atm and give him some money. he took my money went to a bar and butt-dialed me so i coudl hear with other women partying. i found him at bar and he popped me in face and hit my daughter who got between us. 4 months ago he was in jail for stealing my car and ramming it into my garage, he broke into my house, after i made him leave. he went to jail. I bonded him out. spent 3500 dollars on his attorney. got him off. 2 days after he was released he choked me b/c I had him put in jail. i’ve been miserable since he was released. He called me yesterday from jail left me a voicemail asking me to bring his medication and call his daughter to bond him out if i’m not going to bond him out. he ended the call with “thank you”. i am so done. i am beyond embarrassed. i am past crying. i have dried tears if their can be such. if he kills me, which chances are he will, then i just don’t know. i just know this that i am broke, tired, exhausted, lonely, sad, blue, irritated, overwhelmed, and completely sick to my stomach. it ain’t never going to change. it ain’t never going to be better. there is nothing that i can do or say to make it over. i can’t go back in time and change a damn thing. i can’t worry about tomorrow b/c it’s just way too much to think about. i can’t love him there is no way that i can be in love with this man. he clearly does not love me. if he did i wouldn’t be alone today and there would have never been any tears. God give me strength to get through this, this i pray. Tammy
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Dear Julz,
Thank you so very much for writing, this will inspire many. I focus on getting through the silence and the solutude in the aftermath. It is a process but if you can embrass it, it can be the best gift you have ever been given. I had such a hard time being alone with my thoughts. Now, ten plus years later I crave and need my time alone. It is what replenishes your soul. Thank you so much for writing. I hope that you will write more of this journey as inspiration such as yours is what is needed to help keep women from going back.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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At first I was shocked by the freedom I had. I didn’t know what to do with myself so for a while after work I would go visit a dear friend who stood by me through it all. I’d stay till very late just so that I didn’t have to actually live in my home but just use it as a cheap motel room, eat, sleep, freshen up, then go to work.
But after a while I weaned myself off using my dear friend as a crutch. I took myself shopping, watched the DVD’s I liked to watch, improved my cooking by trying different recipes, invited friends over and reconnected with friends, redecorated my home,Wrote in my journal, played music, started reading again.
All those activities represented something I was not allowed to do with my abuser around. I fully embraced the freedom I now had and instead of wallowing in solitude I made a concerted effort to use it to my advantage. I now love and cherish my space and thank God everyday for the ability to rediscover myself again.
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Dear Ej,
That was powerful, I was not aware that I had a Self. I love the idea of the first aid kit, I did the same thing and called it my comfort drawer, learned it from the book Simple Abuandance, you can view it here http://www.rebeccaburns.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=36:simple-abundance-by-sarah-ban-breathnach&Itemid=77
This book was my comfort and I had read it the first five years to get me through.
Thank you so much for sharing. You are never alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Connie,
Thanks for your post, it was very honest. I am happy to hear that you have started your site, I find that giving back is what makes us stronger. I encourage other to visit your site.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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When I fled my home after being assaulted, I was not aware that I had a *self*, that I was an individual capable of my own feelings and thoughts. I apologized for everything, and to everyone. I could anticipate other people’s emotions so acutely that it seemed I was psychic. I had such intense nightmares that it seemed the abuse continued in my dreams. I did not know what I thought or what I liked…but I knew how to survive.
Joining a support group at a battered women’s shelter was instrumental to my recovery. I say battered women’s shelter or agency bc they really understood my situation and could deal with the trauma of abuse. They were also a safe, anonymous place to go.
I also made a “first aid” kit… I knew I would have triggers and some times would be worse than others. So I filled a basket with things that comfort me–favorite music, inspirational verses, scented lotion, candles, funny movies, my soft slippers, pictures of my kids, candy… When I have a hard time I pull something out of my box. It really helps, and as I get grounded again, I get a little stronger.
Thank-you all for sharing your stories and tips…that’s the other thing that helped me, not being alone 🙂
Blessings to you all!
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That’s one of the main reasons why women don’t end an abusive relationship because they feel fear to be alone. At least thats what happened to come I was abused mentally, physically emotionally and verbally for two years. I always wondered what would happen if I was alone without him how could I live? Then I asked myself if I’m being abused how can I live like this? I came to realize that it would be much easier to live alone then to live in an abusive relationship. Now that I’ve been healing to start my life all over again I’ve decided to create healingabusedwomen.com a website to prevent abuse in the future for women and also to help those heal from the abuse they were put through.
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Hello irrronspinesally,
Thank you for posting. This is one of the areas that I try to focus on, it was one of the worst times for me, right after getting free. I didn’t know what to do nextg. I am happy to hear that you have found strength in blogging, that is why I do it too, for strength and to help others. I am happy to hear that you are embracing being alone. I encourage women to stay alone until it just happens. If you are not needing a man, the right one will just show up one day. Thank you for listing your site here, it will help many. Let me know if you wish to write a topic post here, I would welcome it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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I guess I’m a little late to be commenting here, but I’m still in the early stages. I’ve only be out of “the” house for about two months now, but I’ve found strength in blogging, reading other women’s stories and taking the time each day to do one thing JUST for me. Just because I feel like it. I go to the gym, I’ve booked an overseas trip with my sister, I’ve reconnected with friends I’d been isolated from. But mostly what’s helped me break through that wall of shame, fear, and the constant (I mean constant) questioning of myself has been to tell my story.
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Dear Angela,
Thank you for posting, the poems were intense. I appreciate your sharing and being so honest. As always your insight will help others. It was nice to hear from you, it has been awhile. Hope you are well. I will post there on the other site for poetry too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Suzanne,
Thank you for sharing so much. Funny how we all have the same feelings when we are finally free. The biggest thing that helped me to begin writing a journal and reading slef help books/tapes. Take one day at a time, you will get there. This will help so many here, thank you for such a detailed post.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Dear Strength,
I think that all men/woman that have gotten out of abuse feel this way. You are suddenly alone but feel as though you are not. It took me over a year to realize that I would laugh without getting in trouble. Thank you for sharing this will help others to not feel so alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
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Those words vividly mirror my own experience. It was a difficult transition like being dropped in a dark house alone, left to learn how to live and fend for myself.
I was 39 when my husband was removed. I was clueless as to what took place over the past 22 years since I was 17, and felt I had no taste in fashion, no idea about trends, how to look, act, think or feel. I was lost.
It’s a hard thing to pick up and dust off after being left for dead over so many years.
The best advice I can say, is do as much research as possible and read about others who have survived it. Reach inward and find yourself, get reacclamated to who you are, because we mask so long that we lose our true selves.
Once you find yourself, get to know yourself again, and become accepting of what you went thru. Its nothing to be ashamed about. It happens to the strongest and most loving people. Its that exact aspect that the abusers sniff out and host off of.
It is truly amazing to hear how many similar stories are out there, and it certainly helps us realize we were/are not weak or crazy, and never deserved to be a doormat.
Once you become reattached with yourself, reach out to those you have possibly hurt, ignored, and become isolated from. For me, it was my family; for any friends were long gone by the time I got free.
Make sure you are safe and never let your guard down. It is a process to get your life back in order and take charge of your day, but once you get there, you will gain confidence and pride again, and maybe even use those bad experiences to help others!
Realize you cant change the past but its healthy to accept it, and move on.
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This is exactly how I feel. When I was with him, deep inside me I knew that I should leave, but I would ignore it because I was scared. Today, after almost 8 months, I still feel alone somehow. He is in jail and it still hurts me…
Sometimes I think that I am just afraid to be free.
Because I AM FREE now. Idon’t have to be constantly thinking of what to say, or what to do, so that he won’t get mad. . . I dont have to be thinking
of how I could be the perfect girlfriend so that he would be happy at least for a few hours.
I AM FREE, my mind is free, but I am not used to that.
and that’s why I feel lonely. because there is nobody there to tell me what to do.But nobody should tell me what to do because I am not a plastic doll.
I never thought that this process of healing would take so long. I hate it that many people have to go through this because it is a horrible experience even after the abuser is gone.
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i remeember when i first left, i was excited and scared that i was finally on my own, well minus the kids..it took me a long time to adjust, you live your life in fear for so long, that your body is so tense, you watch everything you do, say, dont do, dont say, who you talk to , dont talk with, its a horriable situation. when you finally leave things are not automatically fixed, the abuse changed you, and now it takes time to change into the person you can be with the abuse out of your life. i wrote this poem the same night, i left, i st there after getting the kids to bed, and was so excited and scared i didnt know what to do with myself, i didnt even know myself anymore, all i knew was this battered wife that i had turned into. Time does change things, over time you will get to know yourself, learn to put your needs first, find a happiness, or at least contentment. first you had to struggle with your abuser now your to struggle with yourself, find the person you were meant to be again.
FINALLY
I quietly close the door
Quickly securing the lock
Leaning against the door
I close my eyes
Finally I sigh heavily
Realizing I made it
I finally did it
I made it safely
Taking a deep breathe
I can do this
For I’m stronger now
I promised myself that
Things will be different
No more fear-filled days
Nor terror sleepless nights
Awakening to unfounded accusations
Marked with swollen bruises
Shame lowering my head
A smile slowly forms
I raise my head
I had finally left
I open my eyes
Glancing around in amazement
At my new home
Acceptance enters my eyes
My heart starts racing
Because my reality returns
I acknowledge sadly that
I still feel fear
Yet I smile for
Someday fear will leave
by Angela Hutcherson-Jenkins
xeson@yahoo.com
BATTERED WIFE
I’m standing looking in the mirror
She’s not there anymore I fear
The young girl with the dreams
Of first kiss, being loved, many things
Meeting him, love at first sight,
Being kissed under the star light
Weekend nights shared partying with friends
Disagreeing with boyfriend, then making amends
Finally getting license, then first car
Getting job, money to drive afar
Learning about nature, traveling the earth
Learn to skydive, even to surf
Smiling and laughing, planning dream wedding,
Exchanging vows at the perfect setting
News of baby brings such happiness
Doesn’t mind body changes, hair a mess
Comforted in her husbands devoted love
Feeling she’s blessed from heaven above
That’s not me, not my life
Instead I became a battered wife
by Angela Hutcherson-Jenkins
xeson@yahoo.com
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