Quotes have a way of helping us realize that we are not alone. I have put together the quotes that meant the most to me. If you know a great quote please share it in the comments.
I encourage you to post related Quotes and I will list them here. Please leave the name of the author, as a writer I don’t like to post without giving credit. Readers are often searching for quotes on Domestic Violence and Support. I hope that these may inspire your day or make you think; abuse is never your fault and should not be tolerated by anyone.
“Domestic violence does not only happen to adults. Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend and approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.”— Dianne Feinstein
“I did not know that the first step in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim. I also did not know that the second step is to isolate the victim. The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. We, victims, know something you [non-victims] usually don’t. It’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is to ‘kill her’. Over 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship.” – Leslie Morgan Steiner
“Violence against women is an appalling human rights violation. But it is not inevitable. We can put a stop to this.” – Nicole Kidman
“Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude.” For that means that no matter how unhappy your marriage is, you can be happy as an individual.” – Dale Carnegie
“Believe in yourself and be proud of who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. There is beauty in everyone and no one should stop you from growing into a confident and strong young person.” – June Sarpong
“Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that approximately 3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year in the United States.” – Dianne Feinstein
“Long-Term Domestic Violence – Being abused in this manner is like being kidnapped and tortured for ransom but you will never have enough to pay off the kidnappers.” – Rebecca J. Burns
“If you wish to have what you want in life you must Focus on the Dream if you focus on the pain and fear you will only want to scream!” – Rebecca J. Burns
“The question, ‘Why does she stay?’ is code for some people for, ‘It’s her fault for staying,’ as if [domestic violence] victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.” – Leslie Morgan Steiner
“When I am asked why she doesn’t leave abuse I say… she stays because the Fear of leaving is greater than the Fear of staying. She will leave when the Fear of staying is greater than the Fear of leaving. I know this was very true for me.” – Rebecca J. Burns
“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” -G. K. Chesterton
“We must unite. Violence against women cannot be tolerated, in any form, in any context, in any circumstance, by any political leader or by any government. “- Ban Ki-moon
“Men have an important role to play in sending out the message that real men do not hurt or abuse their partners.” – Ian Somerhalder
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” -Albert Pine
“This is not love. It is a crime… You can’t look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh.”- Salma Hayek
“Many survivors insist they’re not courageous: ‘If I were courageous I would have stopped the abuse.’ ‘If I were courageous, I wouldn’t be scared’…Most of us have it mixed up. You don’t start with courage and then face fear. You become courageous because you face your fear.” – Laura Davies
“Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.” – James Anthony Froud
“I was heartbroken, scared, I had a lot of anxiety, I was worried, I felt weak, and I had no idea how I was ever going to come up with the strength. But I just closed my eyes, and took a blind leap. I knew I had to get out of there.’ – Bob Casey, Jr.
‘Growing up, I was constantly reminded to not to air our family’s dirty laundry. Part of why domestic violence is allowed to continue is because there is often an unwritten rule in many families of abuse: Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Keeping quiet does no good. I found that sharing my story liberated me from my past. There is power in storytelling and, in that, healing. Owning my truth also empowered me. I will no longer be manipulated or controlled by guilt or shame.” – Kambri Crews
“The healthy man does not torture others. Generally, it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” – Carl Jung
“If you give me any problem in America I can trace it down to domestic violence. It is the cradle of most of the problems, economic, psychological, educational.’ -Salma Hayek
“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary. The evil it does is permanent.” -Mahatma Ghandi
“The house does not rest on the ground, but upon a woman.” -Mexican proverb
“From every wound, there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, “I survived.” – Craig Scott
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy
“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” – Wayne Dyer
“The fear of being alone with ourselves is … a feeling of embarrassment, bordering sometimes on terror at seeing a person at once so well known and so strange; we are afraid and run away. We thus miss the chance of listening to ourselves, and we continue to ignore our conscience.” – Erich Fromm (1900-1980) Man for Himself: An inquiry into the Psychology of Ethics 4.2.B, 1947
“In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe.” – Michael Jackson
If you have a quote that means something to you please share it below. I have always loved quotes, they inspire, motivate and make you think.
Dear Chris
Yes…. this is amazing, I have chills. Thank you so much for reaching out, this is exactly what is needed. I know it was a lot of work and i would be proud to send it to readers and make it one of the main links on my homepage. I went to the sites and am very impressed. I have had some non-profit ideas to help women but just know where to get it started. Please contact me if there is ever anything I can do to help stop the fight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I’m writing you to see if you have interest in covering in your blog the launch of the country’s very first searchable online database of domestic violence agencies. It’s called domesticshelters.org and includes roughly all 3000 of the agencies in the US. Is a great addition to your Resources section as well.
When someone visits, in a matter of seconds – from a desktop, smartphone or tablet – that person can find help closest to them based on their location, language and service preferences.
This release (https://www.domesticshelters.org/news/site-launches-to-help-millions-of-abuse-victims-find-help-faster-easier-than-before) talks about the important strategic issues this new free non-profit service resolves. Succinctly put, finding help online has been too difficult up until now. The service is offered as a partnership between National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and my family’s charity Theresa’s Fund.
Sorry for the length Comment, but I couldn’t figure out another way of getting in touch. All the best and keep up the great work!
Appreciatively,
Chris McMurry
Director, Theresa’s Fund
LikeLike
[…] Upcoming quotes in October will be from: The Last Straw Blog […]
LikeLike
Dear Pat,
Thank you for posting. Still in the process ,…,… it will always be a process of surviving, that is life. How can we help you? Being alone is the hardest part after, maybe still loving abuser, feeling isolated, no one that understands, lots to deal with. Read more of the posts here to see if something will help you. Seek support, you can not do this alone, most times we survived the abuse, years sometimes all alone, fully isolated. We do not need to recover alone. Way too many young girls and woman suffer alone, even in the aftermath, that is our mission, to be there for each other. We are here for you Pat, let us know how we can support you. We can only offer words but kind words go far.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your kind words, that was very thoughtful of you. The goal as you wrote was so that no one ever feels alone, I remember that feeling and it was not good. Once I started this blog I felt more connected and never again alone in this struggle. I appreciate your support of others, keep it up.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Rebecca it is amazing for you to write back to all of the people in need of something here on this site. I would love to praise you for what you do. And to everyone on here searching for an answer or someone to understand PLEASE know that you are not in this alone. Your allies may not always be someone you see or can talk to but we are here and though the road may look rough ahead there are people to help you through. I urge all of you to seek refuge in a hotline, or a shelter even just a call for information to see what options you have. Try and try again. You can do this!
LikeLike
I am inspired, still in the process of surviving and being away from an abusive partner. I need help!
LikeLike
Another woman hurt,
Wow, what more can I say, that was moving.
LikeLike
Dear Marianne,
You are in real danger, you know that. Is there anywhere far you can get to to hide for a bit? Have you called the hotline? You are the protector of that child, you can’t give in and stay, I don’t mean that lightly at all, I understand how hard it is to get out first hand. Can he be arrested to give you time to leave? Don’t give up, you can’t live this way, one day your daughter will wonder where mommy is, we can’t let that happen.
You and your little girl are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi, I’m a 17 year old girl , I have a 2 and a half year old daughter && I am in an abusive relationship. The guy I am with is not my daughters father but he claims and tells everyone he is. I have tried to break up with him about 6 times in the last couple of months but he stalks me, steals my phone from me, chokes me, drags me, sexually abuses me, pulls my hair, and threatens me with killing me if I ever try to leave him. He carries shanks and guns so I am intimidated by him. I dont understand why he does things like this to me. When he’s not angry everything is lovely but when he gets upset its like a nightmare. I feel so stupid for ever letting it get this far after so many people told me that he was no good. I’m not necessarily scared for me but I’m scared for my daughter, he has never tried to do anything to her but i just can’t trust him.
LikeLike
Life does not have to be so painful. Forgiveness is not the pill victims must always swallow. Weakness does not have to be used as an opportunity to destroy a life Selfishness will not always win. Love an trust has to exist somewhere for the broken. Yesterday will not be my Tomorrow The cycle can be broken. My pain cannot stay a secret thought I will live again free from the nite an loneliness of heart. Signed Silent thoughts of a survivor
LikeLike
[…] “They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving.” Rebecca J. Burns The Last Straw […]
LikeLike
[…] For more quotes click here https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2007/08/15/quotes-about-domestic-violence/ […]
LikeLike
[…] To read more quotes click here https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2007/08/15/quotes-about-domestic-violence/ […]
LikeLike
Dear Vickye,
Wow, I applaud all that you are and have survived. Talk about literally losing your voice, to hear what you have done to turn around your life is a true miracle. You will change and impact so many life’s, your voice will now save another.
I wish you all the best life has in store for you and those you counsel.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
God loves you so very much and you are of great worth to Him. You must look to Him who created you as the unique and wonderful person that you are; to Him who has a plan for your life. First, trust Him by claiming the promise of Jeremiah 33:3 (KJV), “ Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not.” Then trust Him to see your through with the words of Philippians 4:13 (KJV), “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me..
MY PERSONAL STRUGGLES, SURVIVING AFTER THE ABUSE
I have always pushed forward to keep heading towards my goals. I was a victim of a brutal attack I escaped with my life, but my voice remained in hiding. My larynx sustained severe damage, and I was unable to speak above a whisper for over 20 years. I was unable to speak loudly, my speech was not understandable over the telephone. I needed assistance with this simple task; someone always had to translate my needs. I found that people did not have patience when listening. However, after twenty years of hearing “What?” I have found a way to speak up for myself louder than before. Because of a newly developed medical procedure, I am now able to speak in a clear and concise voice. My newly found vocal ability has given me the confidence to overcome all obstacles placed in my path. All of these trials and tribulations have taught me never give up and always persevere. In pursuit of bettering myself and achieving my goal of earning a degree, I decided to attend DeVry University. I chose to work towards a Bachelor’s Degree in Technical Management with a specialization in Criminal Justice. My true passion is Professional Counselling I will obtain my Master’s of Science in Professional Counseling from Grand Canyon University 2015. However, to enhance my career choice, I volunteer, speaking with women of domestic violence and at-risk teens. I am a Certified Life Coach; my specialization is Domestic Violence, Conflict Resolution, Healthy Relationships, Effective Communications and Kinesics- Reading Body Language. I have been in silence so long; I refuse to let my voice not be heard
LikeLike
Thank you
LikeLike
Dear Anonymous,
That was heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with, it can be too much for anyone. I totally understand the feeling of hating yourself for not leaving. I won’t lie, you are at your weakest when you leave. When you finally fear staying more than leaving. We are afraid to leave for we may die, then realize if we stay, we are sure to die. I wish I had more to offer you than just a few simple words. In a perfect world this blog would not be needed, no one would suffer like you do. In the real world, it is all too real.
Someday, I pray you are able to find the resources and strength to leave, this is no way to have to live.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Daniel,
Thank you for posting those words, I will add those to the main listing of quotes so that others will see it too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Thanks for finally talking about >Domestic Violence
Quotes – Motivational Quotes & Resources on Domestic
Violence | The Last Straw <Loved it!
LikeLike
“PEOPLE WHO HAVE EITHER BEEN TREATED BADLY OR ABUSED AS A CHILD MAY OR MAY NOT END UP BEING THE ABUSER WHEN THEY GET OLDER,
OTHERS THAT SUFFER FROM THE ABUSE MIGHT SUFFER ANXIETY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE THERE NORMAL LIVES AGAIN.”
– DANIEL ARMSTRONG
LikeLike
He is mean. Just mean. When he plays with the children he is rough. Till they end up crying and running to me. He screams and belittles me daily. Im always on edge scared he will turn into that guy again, the one I hate, the one that is taking over and I see less of the man I love.
Life is a manipulative game about who’s fault he can make it. About how to pull puppet strings on us. He provides but its his leverage for how he treats us.To him , I am suppose to get a job yet at the same time I can’t get one. He isn’t supportive and any moment we are having a great time I know its limited. That this wonderful moment is never mine, its put in my hands for a while to look at and admire but its never for me to keep. He will take it back and hide these happy moments from me until I believe he rid himself of them.
Nothing is mine. My moods don’t belong to me. They belong to him because he knows he can control them all by how he treats me.
I have grown to hate myself more than I do him because I stay. I have started adopting his cruelty and dishing it out to others. Saying mean things to my kids I swore to myself I wouldn’t.
I use to not get easily embarrassed by things. Now I am embarrassed of everything. My wacky silliness hides in me until my sister and I are alone. Because he hates it.
I am fair and I kiss and kiss and kiss his butt. Still it doesn’t change the outcome. He will still eventually yell and throw something. I am tired of being held responsible for something I have no control over.
My parents aren’t good people and my Father is abusive as well. So I fear I couldn’t get out even if my own chains would let me. But I know they are still nailed in the ground at his feet and I am helpless to watch my kids be emotionally beaten down. I hate myself.
LikeLike
[…] Long term domestic violence: Being abused in this manner is like being kidnapped and tortured for ransom but you will never have enough to pay off the kidnapper. by Rebecca J. Burns link […]
LikeLike
Dear Don’t lose faith,
Thank you for your posting. You have to take that first step. I too believe that what happens, happens for a reason, you get to decide what that reason is. What will you do with what you learned. I was able to put this towards helping others, it helped me empathize with others and never judge. Thank you for being so honest in helping others.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was in an extremely abusive relationship… broken collar bone, punched in face, almost had my nose bitten off, burnt, raped… controlled, and I thought I loved him like no other too. Finally I left…didn’t know how I was going to live without him…time took care of everything. My body started to heal, my mind, my heart. I put myself around positive people, people who do not put up with that behavior. I firmly believe…everything happens for a reason. I would not take away one moment that I endured, that I survived… for it made me who I am and has given me the capability to help, talk to, understand women who were in my situation. I can give hope that you to can endure AND live again. I’m now pregnant, getting married to a wonderful man, have a good job (wasn’t allowed to work before) I LOVE my life. My scars are my story…your story. It is possible, you have to take that first, hard, crucial step and get away…everything after…it will all work out. Have faith, don’t loose hope for I know you can do it to.
LikeLike
Dear xxx,
No you are not demanding too much, he may never change you must know that by now. The only thing that will change anything is what you decide to do next. if you stay, things stay the same. If you leave, there is a chance things will change. I know how it is to love someone so much you feel you will die trying, that is your choice but you can’t change anyone that doesn’t want to change themselves.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through and wish you the strength to change the things you can.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi
I have been a victim of domestic voilence for 12 years.I have two kids one 9 and other 7 years old.My husband is cream of society. I hav done every efforts to please him in every manner. I have caught him betraying me several times. And whn I catch him he hits me alot. Today I’m suffering frm spinal problem and hav crack in my skull because he usually hits me whn he’s caught and rapes me like an animal after tht. I’m fully devoted to my family and house and never demand anything from him. There are many rules and laws made against the domestic voilence bt all are failed infront of men….
My condition is such that I cannot live with this person and cannot live without him as I loved him from the core of my heart and still expecting that one day he would be tired of all this and be fully mine bt sometimes think that the day should come in my life time only. Bt if this the punishment to love someone to the extent then there should be no such thing as love in the world. I pray day and night that Please God forgive his sins and make him a good human being.Am I demanding much…….
I don’t know why
LikeLike
Dear Kez,
You are in such a rough spot to say the least. It breaks my heart when I hear the child is taken beucase of the abuse but they are trying to protect her at all costs. Do everything in your control to focus on things other than him, avoid places you may run into him, make plans to move, focus on finding wayxz to recover from the abuse so that your daughter comes home to a healthy, strong mother. You get to decide what you think about, think about something other than him, your future, your daughter’s future.
My abuse started like yours too,, it spins out of control so fast. You can’t change what happened, but you can change what happens now. I wish you all the best, I really do. My heart is with you and your baby.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
i have a daughter with a violent guy. first time he started she was about 6 weeks old, he tried to pull me out the car on the hard shoulder of a motorway and drive of with my daughter, second time he strangled me whilst i was holding her and third time he threatened to kill me while my daughter was in bed a few footsteps away from us. my daughter is and a half now and at first i use to kid myself it was okay because it wasnt actually a slap in the face so in my mind it wasnt as bad, as a result of the ongoing violence my daughter has been taken by social services. i feel like i shouldnt have called the police and just let him kill me because then atleast i wouldnt be hurting soo bad, i feel mentally trapped .theres no escaping him he calls me constantly and i bump into him when out it feels like moving when my daughter is returned is my only option and it seems like even then hes still got some sort of hold over my mind.i cant believe things got this bad . i feel so trapped.
LikeLike
Dear Julie,
Your words couldn’t be more true. Children always remember, my son was just 4 and things he saw will scar him forever. I had often thought, well at least he wasn’t physically hurt, but I was kidding myself, the trauma was just as bad for a little child. I should have left long before, as a mother, I deal with that guilt to this day. I was the one there to protect that child, we need to put our children first as they are the ones that are truly defenseless in violence.
You wrote, because you chose to be free. You did it, many don’t, they don’t know how to break the cycle in their heads and allow themselves to live, they often attract another abuser.
Thank you for taking the time to share and to support others here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was a victim of child abuse. My father died when i was 14 and i am now 44 and not a day goes by that i don’t remember all the hurtful stuff he did to our family. My point here is children never get over it. They are just as much scarred and scared as you are or even more because adults have choices and Children do not. They do what they are told. They have to go along with it no matter how hurtful it is. Remember this, there life will never be the same!!!!!!
I have had years of Councilling and now i can say im free because i chose to be. My thoughts are with you all going through Domestic Violence and i hope you all find the strenght to do what it takes to get out of that relationship because you are worth it. You just need to believe it.
Take Care
Julie
LikeLike
Dear Victoria,
Thank you for posting, you wrote being free doesn’t come at a price, for some it does, they lose their homes, their family, their belongings so I think it depends on who you ask. With that the price is worth your life. Nothing can compare to feeling safe and secure. For me, not having to sleep with the fear of being jolted awake to knives at my throat. We pay with our blood, hearts and souls when we stay. Nothing is more important than feeling safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear how to end domestic violence, a hidden problem among teans,
You hit it all, totally agree. Takes a village and honesty to stop violence. Great resources.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
[…] There are many ways that we can help promote safe communities.We can prevent violence by getting help or safely intervening before a situation escalates.We can also address the root issues that cause violence by: *Holding people that use violence accountable for their actions through law enforcement, courts, scho… *Promoting gender equality and respect. *Improving communication skills and coping strategies to prevent violent reactions. *Replacing attitudes about violence being okay or justifiable with a “no tolerance” approach. *Modeling and fostering healthy relationships with partners, peers, and family members. It is everyone’s responsibility to ensure safety in our communities.To end domestic violence it is going to take a community.The people that need to be involved to be free of domestic violence are: *Parents *Youth *Teachers *Community Agencies *Businesses *Faith Communities *Doctors and Medical Personnel *Government Agencies (local and state) *Civic Groups *Courts *Law Enforcement *Men and Women A collective effort is needed from people and organizations to: *Show that violence will not be tolerated in the community. *Raise awareness about how violence impacts communities. *Build positive relationships within the community to support non-violence. *Connect people to resources. *To provide a wide range of services and responses to violence in the community. *Help change community norms and policies to assist in protecting people from violence and from being violent. […]
LikeLike
[…] “The world censures those who take up arms to defend their causes and calls on […]
LikeLike
Being free doesn’t come at a price and shouldn’t be payed by blood. -Victoria Ogah
LikeLike
Dear Penny,
I wish you all the best, many woman want to help stop abuse for others and you are commended for doing so. I will look up your story. Be strong and live your life finally. God bless.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Thanks Sukrutha!
LikeLike
Hello Jamie,
thank you so much for your comment. I just listened to the song and was really moved. I will keep the link here for others to share it. I think poetry and music is the best way to get the message out there. I am saving the link and will write a new post about it. If you can send me the lyrics to post that would be awesome, if you can, would love to pass on the word of your music and message. If you like you can email them to me at rebecca@the-laststraw.com or comment here. I will set a new comment to send to all readers.
love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Mother of 8,
Wow, that is a handful in itself. Thanks for taking the time to write. You are struggling for sure. I am so sorry for all that you have been through and are going through now. What you wrote is important to read again, I want to be free, even if it takes my life. That is pretty close to being ready to change. I knew I was ready to die trying to leave then to stay another day and let him kill me.
You need to start making plans to leave. Nothing can be worse than dying a bit more each day. You are strong, I can tell. Who do you have when no one else is there, you have you, your spirit is still there, just buried beneath all the pain and surviving.
Being alone is so much better than being in a life that feels like death each day.
Your concern can’t be what will happen to him anymore, he is a grown man. My son was so much better off when his father passed away. He no longer wished for the dad that would play ball and stop drinking, he had more peace.
Keep in touch. Get going for the rest of your life and to show your children it is never too late. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Mother of 8
18years, 18years and can’t take another day… why do I feel like I’m gonna be the one who end’s up in jail forever? I know this is not right, I know I deserve better, but he has isolated me from the world, I feel so alone.
Even my Parents or 4 older brothers have gave up on me, My children beg for me to leave him, I feel like I’m his care giver if I turn my back on him as well he will harm his self and leave my children with no father.
As a child I never knew what domestic violence was but I knew that a parent can walk away from their children without looking back felt like.
I’m considered very strong bye friends, they look up to me to guide them for moral support, but who do I have when the world looks at me and believes I can handle anything that comes my way. He has robbed me from my most inner spiritual guidance, mentally corrupted my thinking,emotionally cast hate into my heart, Financially stepped all over my hopes of giving my children all that they need. Its the Holidays I don’t have the Holiday blues but a sense that my children will not smile with cheer in their hearts all because I don’t know how to walk away, better said, the fear of walking away is greater then the fear of staying, u made a point when u stated that the courage comes from the fear of staying becomes greater then walking away.
My dream has always been to open my own shelter for the homeless it has turned into a domestic violence shelter for battered women and children, but first I must fight my own demon before I can help other women fight theirs.
Why DO I BLAME MYSELF SO MUCH..? I WANT TO SCREAM TO THE WORLD I WANT TO BE FREE EVEN IF IT TAKES MY LIFE..
LikeLike
I’m a survivor!! My story is horrific! I have went on Dr.Phill show and recently the children and i done a short film for children in domestic violence called “children next door”! I have a burning passion to raise all the awareness i can
and thanks for all the inspirational words.. please stay connected with me on my journey :of recovery!! You can find my story under penny waldroup just Google my name or dr.phil episode tortured,beaten,and left to die!! Thanks alot for helping with awareness
LikeLike
good site….!!!! let us encourage more of this kind ….& bring justice to all the women………..
LikeLike
Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.
I think that you could do with some pics to
drive the message home a little bit, but instead of that, this is wonderful blog.
A great read. I’ll certainly be back.
LikeLike
Hi Rebecca,
I enjoyed seeing the section of songs about domestic violence. I’d like to share a new one on your blog It is titled “I Don’t Need This Hurt Anymore” and is to benefit Sabrina’s House in Roanoke, VA
You can hear it at reverbnation.com/jamieparsons
LikeLike
Dear Mad Writer,
With all that you have been through I can hear your strength. Many in your situation would lie down and die, unable to move after the trauma.I hope you have all the support that you need. God bless you and your family.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Mad Mad Writer,
I can hear your strength, with all that you have been through that is amazing on it’s own. I know it is not always easy but what you decide to do going forward is what is important. You hit it on the head why many stay, often others don’t realize how much money plays a factor. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I am in “recovery” from CDV…my husband is in jail for attempted murder. As for why we stay…emotional and psychological abuse make us feel unworthy and inhuman. Financial abuse makes us poor. Fear makes us believe they will come find us (and they will). It takes a major hit to finally get them where they belong…behind bars!!!
But there is hope. I am doing well. His trial is forthcoming and he is facing 18-20. For him, that’s life. GOOD!
LikeLike
This has given me food for thought, makes me feel not so alone… thank you
LikeLike
Dear Dana,
Thanks for your comment and all that you do. It takes all of us to help heal.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I love looking at this it makes knowing my job is worth something! I’ve volunteered at women Retreats in Arkansas and Oklahoma.
LikeLike
Dear Anonymouse,
Thank you for writing. It must be hard to do what you do and then suffer like this. You feel you should be the one to never let this happen. I know it is difficult but y sharing what you are you will help so many. If a woman that know what you do can fall into this cycle, anyone woman can. I pray that you find the courage to do what you advise another woman to do. Get out, tell people, no on is going to judge you. Those that care about you want to support you. I wish you all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Tell me how could you show yourself to the world that you are a victim, you are the one who has been wronged, that you are blameless and believe there are no reason to your actions
You pushed acceptable boundaries, with bitterness you tried to wear me down with your mind games, threats and accusations.
How long was I hypnotized by your charismatic charm, your pretense dragged down by your failure, your dented dreams your inability to stand up to authority. You entwined me with sweet smelling roses, but I never expected the sharp thorns dripping with venom trapping me with your promises and lies. Oh when I think of the chances you were given – but what are you to me now but a parasite getting drunk and high on twisted emotions
Where did our laughter go?
Sex a chore just like the washing up expected, always on your mind you robbed me of romance and violated my freedom to choose, and in whatever way I put it or strongly deny it you raped me with me pretending a passion that just wasn’t there
Not just I tasted the excrement that came out of your mouth nor experienced your simmering intimidation, your sneering disdaining consideration and was blind to the dejection and desolation of a child just looking for your affection. We walked on eggs shells he and I crunching under hob-nailed boots – propping up your feeble weak mind, making excuses for your failure to love
How many years did I waste?
How many years did I deceive myself?
Why did I wait, why didn’t I protect
Why did I bury my head in the sand blindfolded to the consequences on an innocent mind?
You didn’t think I would survive, couldn’t do it on my own – you said I would die if I left you
And when my eyes were opened, my courage found and all hope abandoned, I watched as we imploded, and like a rubber band stretched too tightly – it snapped and all and I could see was the rot and rust – the mice running amok with their scratching and scrambling, and although the windows were left open to breathe fresh air the coldness invaded as all the warmth and joy had already been bleached away, the cracks you tried to paint over but you couldn’t change and the torture became harder to bear.
I walked away from you without a backward glance
I gave to you back the keys to my heart and slammed the door in your face and left leaving an empty shell of a life once lived
And now? Just like photos forgotten and left in a box, the pain is fading being locked away. Yet still you prey on my mind, just a memory a sad, sad memory that I have left behind. I feel sorry for you, I can forgive – thanks for the experience a life lesson learned – but can I forget and forgive the rejection of your child forsaken in your last battle for control– and you are the victim? You shit
I haven’t looked back – I am a new person and I am awesome!
But I haven’t looked back, I am a new person and I
Belinda http://meandboblivingwithcancer.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/dont-suffer-in-silence.html
LikeLike
dear friends,
I am a social worker living in Mauritius, I fell in love with a man who I thought had change his life completely after having experienced drugs and other problems. I live with him since 2 years and I have been beaten so many times. As a social worker I am a well known woman and it makes it difficult for me to report back the violence I am experiencing. I nearly fell dead last time he beat me up and I cannot go to the Police as I am so afraid that he tries to cut me on the face – I do not know what to do
LikeLike
[…] Several quotes were taken from https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2007/08/15/quotes-about-domestic-violence/ – check it […]
LikeLike
Dear Grace,
So true what you wrote, no on grows up thinking, I think I will allow someone to abuse me. I don’t think the abuser grows up with those aspirations either. we need to teach our children not to allow anyone to abuse them and to teach them how to handle stress and not to abuse others physically or verbally. Verbal abuse is not shunned as much but it can be just as bad. Please keep your focus on healing for you and the children. You miss him, that is normal and okay, you love him, you have children. Like you said, love yourself more. You can want and hope for him to change, lets say that he changes 100%, that doesn’t mean that you should be back with him. If you feared for your life from him, personally I can’t imagine being back in the same house again. It is okay to be apart, let him be a good father to his children, be civil with you, you can still care for him and what happens. The more time that you have apart and the more healing that you do, you won’t allow any of that back in your life or your children’s.
I thank you so much for writing and sharing. Posts and comments like yours are what support other woman coming here that feel they are so alone.
Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Cait,
I am so happy you posted here, most happy that you are getting the help you need. Want to help others, be a strong woman that never allows abuse back in her life, set an example, support others. First your well being must be the most important. You need to want more for yourself. Once you spend enough time alone, I was cellulite for a long time, it was hard but my big fear was that I would end up deep in love with another abuser. I allowed myself enough time alone that I was very independent and strong, new abuse would never come close to my life again and it hasn’t. I don’t allow others to treat me shitty, I move on, cut them off. Not as bad as that sounds, I mean big stuff, didn’t talk to family that put me down, what is the point. This is my life, no one will decide how I live it.
Be honest with yourself, why do you go back, lonely, admit it. There are so many other ways to fill that time, good friends, support, start a blog, write, paint. The important thing is to stop answering the phone when he calls. You will feel strong each time. Change your number, make that final decision, you will feel stronger each day. You know and I know, one day it will get so bad, you will not be able to get out without major damage to your soul.
You sound strong, it happens to many, just decide now that you know all the signs and this person clearly has been abusive, to not allow it back in your life. That is how you can help others, then return and tell of how hard it has been, but that you did it. That is how you help others here.
keep in touch, we are here for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for your response. I have told my children’s counselors that this has happened, we have talked at length and I know they were affected.
It has been over 6 weeks since he left. We talk regularly. He has gotten into the best program in the country and begins soon.
He has seen a counselor in the interim and has been working very hard.
We laugh now. We talk. He is my friend-but will never live here until someone can tell me that not once will I (or most importantly my children) endure any part of a domestically violent life.
I am scared. I have such a financial problem and have no clue where to turn form help, but figure that if that is the worst, that can be fixed…death is forever, which I truly believe would have eventually been an extremely viable possibility.
Please…to all of you who are enduring this pain…for whatever reason…find safety. It will never get better where you are, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result (the definition of insanity actually). Want more for yourselves…demand more.
I miss him. Everyday. But I missed ME more. It is NOT easy. Anyone who claims it will be is lying but it IS WORTH IT a million times over.
May God gently hold you in the palm of His hand-and give you peace and courage to do what, deep in your heart of hearts, you MUST do.
Thank you so much for your response Rebecca and for creating a place to share what is so full of shame, embarrassment, horror, defeat and so much more…and for what? Why? Because, I suppose, no one ever dreamt as a little girl of being “that girl” (or boy in an abusive relationship). DREAM BIGGER NOW.
I wish you all much courage to do as you know you must. With each moment, it does get easier. PROMISE. xoxo
Grace
LikeLike
This is my first time reaching out to others that have experienced similiar situation(s). I am in thearphy bettering myself, but yet feel alone. I was abused by my first high school boyfriend and thought that would never happen again. It has been over 11 years since then and here i am again. Where I never thought I would be. I am looking for support groups and to be able to talk to others about what they have been through and what I have been through. I don’t want to live in this abuse anymore. I’m ready to make a change once and for all. I know I need support because when he crys for me i return for a few good days that always lead to something worse then before. I’m not scared to leave because there is geographical distance between us. I need to be able to help others so in the end I help myself. Like I said before this my first time reaching out other then therapy. I’m looking for as much support as possible so I dont go back for another round of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and fear. please let me know where I can start helping. Love Cait
LikeLike
Dear Brittany,
I am so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. I wasn’t able to respond to older comments for site issues. I pray that if you write back that you are gone from this man. You are so young and don’t deserve another day living this way. Learn now that you are what matters. You can’t change him, you can only demand more in your life by leaving.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Brenda,
So so sorry for so long to respond, had site issues where I couldn’t comment on older posts. I pray you are still well. You sound like a really strong lady. Thank you for responding and sharing here. Strong woman are what help other woman know there is more to life than living in abuse. They can be strong and they can have a life without a man in it. Parents are such strong role models and when you have good ones, what a gift.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Brittany,
Forgive me, my site had issues and I haven’t been able to respond. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I went through much during the abuse, it is horrible, this is supposed to be such a happy time and he is robbing you of it. Be safe, have a safety escape plan in place if you need it. I know he is your only friend, what a friend. I pray that one day you are strong enough to leave, not everyone can. I stayed 5 years after son’s birth, 5 years too late. The damage was done to my son, he had PTSD and was bipolar, I feel from the abuse he watched. Children need to feel safe, without it they will struggle. Keep the child’s safety in mind.
You will make other friends. You are not alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Having a hard time.
We all go through the aftermath. Check the blog, keyword aftermath for ways to deal with the aftermath of abuse. This post will support you. Reach out as you are doing, don’t go it all alone. Support will help you through it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Shari,
So sorry for the delay in responding, site issues. Excited for your site, I encourage others to check it out. Supporting others helps so much. Let me know how things go.
Check out the site at http://www.dividedbybloodlines.com/
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Clarissa,
Forgive me for taking so long, site issues. I am so happy for you. How are things today? It is hell to come out of something like this but you did. You carry this with you but you learn to not let if define you. You will inspire others to get out and have the life the deserve.
Your sharing will encourage others to leave at the warning signs and that they too can do it.
Totally proud of you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Cheyenne,
I remember you post. Thank you for giving us this update. I am so happy yet sad. It is bittersweet. I applaud you for all that you have done for your friends. People like you lift us up and remind us we are not alone.
Much love to you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Jamie,
Wow, I can vividely remember those days. Call the courts, they will have someone from DV center come be with you. They held my hand and helped me get thorugh the day. They even picked me up at my home in police car and brought me home. I had felt so alone and this helped. Call, it won’t hurt. This is going to be one of the hardest things you ever do. I remember going to a church I had never been to right after and just crying, unable to belive I had survivied it. He had promised me for so long it I involved police he would shoot me in courte. He showed up drunk and beaten up.
He is a man, a broken man. You are what is important now. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I am very sorry it has taken so long to respond. I had site issues and see that this was left months ago so by now you have already dealt with all this. I regret that I was not there for you.
It takes days at a time, sometimes minute to minute. Let me know where you are today. Promise to respond sooner.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Thaepelo,
It is hard to go to hell and back but you did it. I know the feeling of feeling so small that you could disappear and no one would notice. You are not that small person anymore, the fact that you got away and are writing here shows us all that. It can be so hard for others to understand how we managed to block things out and stay so long. I never knew how bad the things he had done to me were, granted I knew they weren’t right, but when my own therapist started to cry, I knew it was bad and I had been minimizing much of it. We do this to survive, we have to.
I am glad to hear that you are slowly rebuilding, therapy is the best thing at this time. Be alone for a long time too, i think that is what helped me, not that I had any interest in a man for a long time, but it helped me to get stronger and know what I would never tolerate again. My biggest fear was falling in love with that type of man again and not being able to get out.
Please write back, we will do our best to support you here. Sharing how hard the aftermath is helps others that are in your place. Be safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Lia,
No, you are not wrong for still loving him, but wishful in thinking he may change someday. You are doing what is best for you and your children, you will suffer so much more if you let him back in your life, I pray that you don’t. The children remember so much, don’t allow this to be their life.
Now is the time to focus on what you want you life to be, what do you want for you and your children? Children need your stability and safety. I too stayed longer because I felt bad that he had no where to go and I would be taking his child that he loved. I always felt that he really loved us, he just never liked himself, therefore I suffered his pain he didn’t know how to deal with.
No miracle will come, your miracle is that he didn’t kill you or your baby inside you. You have enough to take care of. Keep away from him. I know it will get lonely and scared, you are used to living with that fear. The longer you are gone the better it will get. He needs to figure out his own life, that is not up to you. You will never fix him.
Please get counseling, find support, deal with that you have been through so that you and your children can heal. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Grace,
So happy to hear that you are gone, I know it didn’t happen in a good way. Read what you wrote here, you know that you don’t want him in your life. IN time, lots of time to heal, deal with the pain, you will make it through. I have been there, the place between loving and hating him. Wanting him but not wanting to be with him and the pain. You made a good decision, stick with it. Find ways to support yourself now. What did you always want your life to be? Not this for sure. You have a long road ahead of you but it will be what you decide to make of it. there are men out there that would never dream of hurting you. Be along for a long time, heal and feel good about you again, that is all that matters.
Don’t lie to yourself that the children didn’t suffer, they know more than you think. Stay strong and stay in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Confused & Helpless,
It is a horrible feeling to feel how you do. To watch someone you love live that way. You can’t make her leave, that is her decision only. When she fears staying more than leaving she will leave. We put up with a lot in the name of love. Don’t pressure her too much, just be there for her. Check the resources listed on the side page of the blog for resources to assist you. Find a support group for you, someone who loves someone being abused. Here is link to one resource http://www.womanshealthgov
Be her friend, don’t judge her, someday we pray that she has the strength to leave.
Take care of yourself tool I know how hard this is for you. Let me know what I can do to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Lorraine,
You are not a bad mother, you did what you thought was best at that time. You were trying to survive. I lived with guilt for many years for not leaving when my son was young. Because of my staying I am certain he developed PTSD and other issues. You at some point you have to accept how they feel, they grew up in abuse, wanting their mother to leave. Now as adults, they see you living with the man that caused them so much pain as they were forced to watch their mother be beat.
They are grown woman now and will decide what they want in their lives. I had anger at my mother for many years for the abuse she let us grow up in, then I too suffered the same from my son. You have to understand and deal with how they feel. They see there mother with a man that has caused all of them so much pain. They want you to be safe and away from him.
I hope that you are able to find the strength to leave so that you can spend the rest of your life without the fear of this man.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Lyssa,
First I am so sorry that you are going through this. Do you have a place to go? He doesn’t deserve you or you him. You sound like a really strong person who can make it on your own. Pack you bags, walk out the door, get somewhere away from him. I know that sounds like yeah, right but you can’t stay, start making plans now to get out.
You deserve so much more out of life and this isn’t it. Stay in touch and be safe. I hope to hear you are away from him when you write again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Confused and Helpless,
She is lucky to have you but I know how hard all of this is for you. We can’t make her leave, she has to want to leave. She has to fear staying more than fear leaving to be ready. Sounds like her self esteem is so low she can’t even think of leaving. We can have all of the good intentions that we want for her but she has to be the one that makes the decision to leave.
I know you have a lot to handle knowing what your friend is going through. Be there for her now and hopefully when she leaves. Telling her that that she doesn’t deserve to be with someone that hurts her, that her and her children deserve more from live than this. Tell her others care.
You are not alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I have a friend that is being physically ,mentally n emotionally abused.She yesterday attended a funeral of a friend of hers that was murdered by her husband and it scared her…Sadly not enough to leave her boyfriend but just enough to let me know that if ever anything happens to her ‘I should be her voice’ and that she died @the hands of her boyfriend.Nobody knows what he does to her except me and I try talking to her about getting help if not for herself then her 3little boys!He cheats and beats her up as if she’s to blame.She is confused as to why she still loves him and realise’s she being abused but she seems to be giving up and accepting that death @his hands will be her end.I don’t know how to help her and I rather try helping her while she alive than dead.Please can anybody tell me how to help her?
LikeLike
I was sexually abused as a child for 5 years of my life. I suffer from PTSD, clinical depression, and manic anxiety. I was dating this boy, and at first he was so sweet to me. Telling me that he loved me and I was perfect for him. I was so happy. Until one day he tried to have sex with me. I begged him not to, I ended up throwing up and hysterically crying for hours. But he just got mad at me, he told me that we were together long enough to have sex. I told him that I was afraid and I didn’t want to. He just got even more angry at me, and he threw his clothes at him and reached out to strike me before I knocked his hand away. (I am a black belt candidate in Tae Kwon Do, MMA, and personal defense) He just got infuriated and started to yell at me. Ever since that moment, he tells me that I’m fat, ugly, worthless, disgusting, condescending, and worse more vulgar names. I tried to leave him, but he just got so mad. I go to bed terrified and I wake up thankful that he didn’t hurt me while I was sleeping. I need help and advice on how to leave him. I just feel so lost and scared.
~ Lyssa
LikeLike
I stayed in an abusive relationship I have no idea why it just seemed like the right thing to do. My daughters where my strength and my life revolved around them. After a beating I would look at their frightened faces and console them telling them that everything would be “Okay” !!! We worked through it all…. That’s what I thought…
My oldest 2 daughters are from a previous marriage the youngest one is ours. I tried so hard to bring my girls up in a loving caring way and only now all these years later I see the damage that has been done to them. Whilst talking in my oldest daughter’s kitchen a little while ago they asked me how I think they felt afterwards. Not only did they have to cling to each other praying for it to stop but they had to deal with me afterwards not crying blood all over my face telling them not to worry everything will be “Okay”… They told me it wasn’t “Okay” they could see it wasn’t “Okay” !!! What message do I think I was telling them when I was saying it was “Okay”. I never once thought about it like they said it. I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to scare them. I said it was “Okay” because they were so frightened and I wanted them to know I was “Okay”….
This weekend we were all together again at my brothers. I went for a walk with them and they were angry that I had come with “HIM”. They told me that the reason why they do not visit is because of “HIM”. They can’t stand seeing how he treats me and abuses me. It was my birthday and he never wished me Happy Birthday he told me to get up he needed me to do something on the computer. They told me how much they hated being around HIM. “Why do you do it mom” how do you do it??? I told them not to talk like that and that I just didn’t want all this hatred in the family. I have always hated conflict and have always tried to believe in a better world. I have always seen light at the end of the tunnel.
My youngest daughter has just left home and I always thought once she was gone I would make my move but I am to scared. Not of “HIM” I just don’t want to be alone. My biggest fear has come to visit “Two strangers living under one roof”. He comes and goes as he pleases I never ask where he has been I have learned not to. I also know I have to come straight home when I finish work… We have camera’s that record all my comings and goings. I don’t believe he did it to monitor me he did it for the crime we live in South Africa. I do everything that is expected of me to avoid conflict. I very seldom argue back. My daughters asked me if I am happy with my life… They have given me all the happiness I deserve and more. I miss them a lot. I am sorry for all the hurt I put them through. My youngest daughter (OURS) is a very angry child. All three of them are achievers and have done well.
It’s so sad that I tried so hard for them and I have inadvertently damaged them I wish I had left years ago. I am thinking of doing it now but need to find the courage somehow. I feel like such a bad mother today !!!!
LikeLike
Has anyone ever experienced violence after being with someone for a long time (8 years) and then after that person experiences something traumatic, violence begins?
Have you felt guilty because the first time, or subsequent times, you tried to fight back…and then it became much worse…and you thought “if I wouldn’t have done___ (fill in the blank here) this wouldn’t have happened?”
Have any of you not experienced the traditional “apology” part, gift giving, “it will never happen again” comments or the like and instead had a lack of even acknowledging what happened? We moved right past that and if addressed, it was “my fault” or he said “I don’t want to talk about it, ” and I (for some ridiculous reason) would apologize.
I have had one prior abusive marriage, an abusive childhood and this marriage was abusive after 8 years together, 4 years married.
I understand the whole “abuse mentality” thing…but I would never touch my children yet somehow I allowed and excused it when it was I that was hurt.
I have had my head slammed against (something- I passed out) and while dripping blood and not knowing where I was, was hit again…and he left me here, have been choked, had my fingers smashed in doors, arms twisted to the point that I am sure they have been broken, fingers broken (never confirmed), punched in the mouth, smacked across the face (numerous times), hair pulled, thrown down, tossed over a chair onto my head, have had everything thrown at me, verbally abused, screamed at and so much more for 2 years…
I asked him to go-he did.
He had a traumatic event occur around the same time as the abuse and is getting help, but I want to know if it is possible for this to never happen again…
I cry because we truly loved each other. I miss us. It wasn’t as if I never saw the good/beauty in him. And, the violence was NEVER in front of my children nor were they ever victimized. EVER.
I feel so sad, so responsible, so bad for him, for me, for our kids, our families-
I just feel like I need to know ME again…and know what it is like to LIVE again.
He is gone…part of me is gone too, but honestly, I hated that part of me; that part that allowed such pain to invade my joy.
I am just living in such a gap between what was and what will be.
I love to write…not so great, but here are some thoughts I just put together while thinking and writing this post.
Thanks. May you all have the strength to leave…no one is worth the pain.
Do You See Me?
Standing in front of you
Cowering and Powerless…
Your words confuse me.
Defenseless and Alone…
Your hands rip into my body
but it is my soul that is torn and battered.
Do you see me?
That which made me-me
Stolen…
As if you needed the strength
that used to belong to me.
Weak and Insecure…
Crying in front of you
Confused and Lost…
You have forever changed me
Of course you don’t see ME.
Neither do I.
Never dismiss the voice within you screaming for you to run. Never ignore the feeling within you screaming for you to take control. Never admit or succomb to defeat, for then it is truly over. And never, ever allow someone else to tell you who you are and where you are going in this life. No one can take what you refuse to give…
LikeLike
I’m am currently 32weeks pregnant with my second child. My ex beat me black and blue, swore at me, spat at me because I wasn’t paying enough attention to my family. (My family being him and my one year old daughter) I ran away from him with my daughter. We’ve been apart for 4 months. I have an avo against him. We’ve been together for 3 years. I know he loves me but my heart can’t handle him anymore. Too many times he’s beaten me and promised not to do it again. He may be going to prision soon. He hasn’t seen his daughter for 4 months. He was so good the our baby just not to me. I’ve been struggling to stay positive. Deep down I want to wait for him because I know he still loves me n the kids. Is that wrong of me to hope for a miricle? I feel so sorry for him. As bad as he was to me I never wanted him to suffer. I still love him. I stay away to protect myself and my baby. Bt its so hard. Please give me some advice.
LikeLike
Good Morning people I am so in need of advice and support I am in the process of finding a place for myself after 6 years of abuse and yah it took me that long but my final straw was when I was told my right eye cannot see.
I had never been woken up to the abuse but that day it was like I was waking up to the dream and funny thing was that it was mine and it has been myself wow!
My therapist asks how I had managed to numb myself for so many years, but amazingly I did and now I am feeling all the anger, depression and I am so filled with these feelings.
But mostly I feel robbed of my myself I feel so reduced to this tinny person that I was not and I look at myself now and I am like how did this happen?
How did I become this small person who at all put someone before them and in the process my happiness was jeopardized ad chunks of myself were taken away.
Now I am slowly building those missing pieces and I am walking slowly to my happiness.
Now I have to move out of the house, thing is that he moved out and now he says he wants to come back to the house and I refuse to be in the same house as him it would be just too much for me I am just not interested.
LikeLike
Hi Chhavi,
Thanks for reaching out. What can you do to change him? Leave him. You are not here to change anyone but yourself. It is so hard to get oneself to do something never mind trying to get another to change.
You already know that staying with him you will never be happy. It is so hard to leave, even when things are bad. We think we are here to change them. I always say the following, you fear leaving more than staying, once you fear saying more than leaving, you will leave.
No one can help you with this, you are the only one who can decide when is enough. You have to decide what line another shall never cross, with this man, he has crossed too many lines.
Try to remember what you always wanted out of life and works towards that, he isn’t someone you want on that journey. You will never be alone, you have to at least try for a better life, you deserve it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Dina,
Your post gave me chills. It is so scary one others do that forces our lives to change so much. It is true you can forget but the forgiving is the hardest part. I can remember my son feeling guilty to tell me he still loved his father who was now already dead several years. He was worried I would be upset he could still love this man. He then told me he hated him but loved him because he was his father.
Children are strong than we cold ever imagine. I pray that that find their way out of the abusive of the pasts.
I am happy that you were able to move on and get back to the live that you were meant to leave. Not every story has a somewhat happy ending and I am grateful for yours.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Carrie,
That was deep. We go wrong when we love him more than ourselves. Never let anyone take you from you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dearest Emily,
This is one of the toughest things you will ever do, but you have saved your life. Find people to support you, you can’t do this alone, no one can. Find new things to focus on, when your mind starts to play the old record of him, change it. Write, read, find things that you always wanted to do. It is in the quiet time alone that we play the abuse over in our heads. I am sorry that you had to go through what you did but I am so happy that you are free from him.
I still remember writing that quote and am happy to hear it has helped others, I was so afraid of leaving, then when I knew I would die that night, the fear of staying became worse.
Keep that conviction in you, stay strong and keep moving forward. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was thrown out the car by my partner tonight and called the C word for the umpteenth time. I am on my own now. I am frightened but I cannot live with that behavior anymore. The first quote I read on this blog gave me the strength to write this, the fear of leaving is worse than the fear of staying. Well now I hope that the fear of missing out on being free and happy is stronger than the fear of staying. I don’t know if it is yet, my stomach is flipping at the thought, but it’s a step. I need to find conviction in myself and for that I will have to dig deeper than I ever have before.
LikeLike
He takes his time winning you over, from your friends and family. He bides his time making you love him more than yourself, by putting you down. He ensures you’ll never be without him, by making you believe he’s your world. He makes certain you’ll never be anything but his by taking your last breath & laying you to rest.
LikeLike
My ex tried to keep me away from my family, my friends, and any possible support system that would have been there for me…But little did he know I still had a support system, and that was MY CHILDREN! I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that “it was ok to have a man treat you that way! I had no family to turn to, no place to go. my grandmother always told me that 1 white man could straighten out 1,000 black men, so I went to the courts, got a restraining order on him, had him escorted out of our homes, and out of my life. He tried on numerous occassions to scare me, to taunt me, and have me fear him, but that devil was no match against the Heavenly father that I served!!! My girls were 4 & 6 when he left, and are not 24 & 26, and they forgave him but will never forget. He has no place in their lives, but they still respect him as he is there father… I pray everyday that I was able to get out, stay out, and stay strong.
LikeLike
hii… i do have the same problem… my boyfriend is so nice to me when he wants to love me and when he is happy… but when i oppose to do kiss or when i say or make him remember his words that he will not touch me without my acceptance even if something is going funny, he say abusive words to me… he was always such an aggressive person for whom boys and girls are not different… he used to say abusive words like slut to almost every girl with whom he has fought for any reason… i am a little conservative in nature… he always had respect for me… but these days whenever i say against kiss and hug, he calls me slut… i am a family oriented and shy girl… i know these are very silly things for guys and girls of today’s generation… but i feel very disheartened when he calls me so…. whatever i do wrong he returns me 10times of it… i dont know whether he loves me or not… cause evrytime its me who says sorry… but he never regrets of what he has spoken… he start to reciprocate my love but now it has gone beyond my patience and tolerance… now it has become his routine to abuse me… pls help me… what should i do??? i know i can’t be happy with this person… but still i am finding myself unable to leave him… what should i do to change his behavior for me… ???? i am helplesss….
LikeLike
I am trying to recover from DV. There were nights when I really thought he might kill me… one night I was so frightened I drove away on flat tires and called 911. Soon I will have to face him in court and I am so nervous… but its true ” the fear of leaving was less than the fear of staying” and I had to leave. This man had once beaten me unconscious. He once tried to gouge out my eyes. Once he almost suffocated me. Ive suffered bruises, scars, and emotional pain. I now have a restraining order and hope to put this all behind me…
LikeLike
Hi all,
I wrote here about a year ago just wanted to update everyone, if they were wondering. The man charged with my friend’s murder has been sentenced to 15 years, such a bittersweet day, I am still working on the campaign and the pictures should be ready for release in my community this spring. The other friend however has not found justice, her killer was free to carry on his ways, but his current girlfriend (now his ex) pregnant with his child has charged him with domestic assault, he is now in jail awaiting trial on his assault charge.
LikeLike
“What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
LikeLike
Hello
I just wanted to say how thankful I am for this site.. Everytime i start missing my abuser or start feeling depressed I re-read the comments left and know that no matter how much I try to make this person change and realize what he has and that i deserve to be treated better he will never ever change.. I am 25 years of age.. I was with my abuser for more then 3 years. First year together we were at his friends house he was drinking and I had made a comment in front of everyone and he had gottten so furious e called me a C**t.. Enraged and embarrassed I went inside to get my things so I could leave and he ran up to me and punched me so hard in my face I fell to the couch.. I left crying hysterically while all his friends took his side.. The next day he called me an apologized and blamed it on his drinking and promised me he’d quit drinking so I believed him and took him back.. Blaming the alcohol.. That’s when my life would change forever!! After that it was more hitting more bad talking.. When Id try to leave he’d take my keys and purse and it was worse if I fought back to retrieve them.. he once pinned me down and scrubbed off all my make up and made a comment of using Clorox next time.. More beatings and more down talking took place. I fInally got the strength to leave.. Put an order on him and cut off all contacts with him .. After having to wear long sleeves in the middle of Extremely hot weather to hide all my bruises.. I knew I had to leave because things. We’re getting way worse.. I was gone for a good three weeks loving my new free life ( that did not of course stop him from calling me t work or email me erc.) I felt strong.. But little by little I started feeling bad for him.. He’d tell me he lost weight because e was so depressed (not to depressed to still go to Vegas) told me he had nothing to live for that he wanted to kill himself.. I ended up meeting with him and he seemed like a changed man.. He treated me how I had always wished he had treated me.. Told me I was beautiful gave me money all the time to by nice things for myself.. I had him in the palm of my hands!! After all these years I had the control of his love and it felt great!! It didn’t take more then a few weeks to see the same old him again.. We spent a nice trip out of the big city and I said something bad which then ended with him choking me in our hotel so bad I think I blacked out.. He left of course while I stayed in the room crying my eyes out, not for the abuse but for being so dumb and letting him back in my life.. I then had found out I was 2 months pregnant!! This gave him back complete control.. Sadly, I had a miscarriage and had never felt so low.. I said to myself this is Gods way of telling me it wasn’t ment to be with this man after all this was my second miscarriage with him.. Everytime we fought, he’d punch me kick me pull my hair, break my belongings (I can’t tell you how many times he broke my phone) all things I worked hard for hed managed to destroy including my self worth.. I’d try to leave but would be totally lonely and depressed, he’d say the right things and I’d go running back…he talked me into signing a lease with him saying things were going to be different that we would be a family and I believed him.. March 5th was the last time I’d ever let him put his hands on me.. I said something about his phone, he went ballistic and punched me so hard in my Jaw I thought he had knocked out a tooth.. I layed there crying, not even realizing I had wet my pants.. Crying because of the pain and again feeling so dumb for taking him back and letting him do this to me again.. I remember crying on the floor and him coming into the living room telling me to “quit fu**ing crying, I didn’t hit u that hard” I realized he didn’t love me!! Me feeling bad for him Everytime he cried back to me and taking him back was because I loved him so much I hated to see him hurt.. But there I was laying on the floor crying and he had no care in the world.. I looked at my jaw and had already had a bruise.. He hit me with a shoe on my arm and I had a shoe print bruise on my arm.. I left!! I left him my couches my decorations and sadly my little dog .. I got out and filed a report.. This is now going on 4 days and it’s been a struggle but I know it’s something I have to do!! I’m working with the landlord to get me off the lease.. It has been really hard ..but reading these strong women get thru what they have gone thru and hearing that it does get easier gives me that much more strength to keep moving forward.. I feel less alone hearing that I’m not the only one going they this and I’m grateful for you and all these women on this site!! Counting down the days until I can finally get past this awful chapter of my life and live an amazing life!
LikeLike
I love this website, please check out mine too (see below). I, too, have been a victim of sexual abuse (all kinds) and domestic violence by an ex-boyfriend and ex-husband.
LikeLike
I’m having a hard time!!
I used to get beat all the time.
I’m finally out of the relationship but stuck here on all these memories.
I’m so lost!
LikeLike
I am pregnant with his child. I told him the abuse had to stop now. And when he’s mad I must sleep in our spare bedroom on the floor, since I’ve been pregnant I’ve been sleeping in my car when he does this instead. I want nothing.g from him other than respect and support in this pregñancy. I fear he will never change but I haven’t given up yet.I don’t want to be alone in it. I come back because our good times are great. But when its bad its terrible. I know its not okay. But I am not strong enough to leave. He is my only friend
LikeLike
I’m 19 and I’m sitting here reading all these stories of you amazingly strong women which left your abuser. I commend you all and wish I was strong enough to leave.it started with emotional abuse, calling me names, tellihing me I’m a piece of shit and that’s why everyone Hayes me hates me, that I’m ugly fat. Etc.
Then he hit me. It has become more frequent as time goes by. Tonight he beat me and tried to
wreck my car. He told me that if I left he wou
ld kill himself. My mother made me come stay with her tonight but I am sure I will be back tomorrow
LikeLike
I was with my boyfriend for 10 months and i was 17 when we first got together. He was so nice at first and we got on really well, after a month of going out we started arguing quite badly it started off chucking things at each other now and again. quickly turned into him hitting me during arguments constantly putting me down called me a slag and fat. He never hit me on my face it was always on my body but i thought it was ok because i use to wind him up. i use to use the excuse ‘its ok because i wound him up so its my fault’ my friends started noticing that i never came out anymore and i stopped going college, one of my bestfriends noticed a bruise on my hip one day and got really upset and worried for me but i still didnt think anything was bad about it. After months of the same thing and arguments i became less and less attracted to him and we both couldnt deal with the arguments so we split. I found someone new but my recent ex boyfriend wasn’t happy he rung me up and asked me to meet him so we could talk. I agreed. While i was on the way down to him he text him telling him to meet him in an alley way i thought it was abit dodgy but i agreed anway. I walked towards him in the alley way he smiled at me like everything was ok then pulled me towards him and strangled me punched me in the stomach several times and shouted abuse in my face of what i was in his eyes. Around 30minutes into the abuse someone was walking towards us i pointed it out so he made me kiss him so it looked like nothing was going on then spat in my face and called me dirty. He then tried to drawn me in a puddle but i screamed and he ran away i rung my mum and got her to pick me up urgently. When i got in the car my mum asked me why i was all wet and why my hair was a mess i told her i was standing in the rain i couldnt tell her yet. The first thing i did when i got into my house was ring my bestfriend and tell her she pleaded that i tell my mum and sister so i did. My mum made me ring the police she sat there and cried as i had to tell the police every detail of what he had done to me. I dropped the charges against him and we got back in contact he said he had to make it even first though so he slept with some other girl and told me the next day. It hurt so much but i got back with him because i ‘thought’ i loved him. He didnt hit me and we got in really well for the next 2 months, but then he started to be violent again i let it slip a few times but then i had to get out. One night he stayed mine i was passed the point of wanting to sleep with him anymore so i made out i felt ill and just wanted to sleep. He argued with me for a while then acceped it. The next day i woke up completly not wanting him near me so i rung my bestfriend downstairs while he was sleeping and told her what i wanted to do and asked for her advise and how i should do it. I sat on the bed and told him i couldnt do it anymore i couldnt put myself threw all the hurt of feeling disgusting about myself i told him i still loved him but i wanted to be happy. We argued for a while but i told him if he didnt leave i would tell my mum, he accepted it and we walked downstairs so i could let him out the front door. Realising when we got down there my mum was out he grabbed the back of my hair pulled my face towards him and said ‘ no ones here now are they’ i screamed and cryed he just left. I never went back. I know i should of left him when he badly beat me up but it took me to realise it myself what he was.
LikeLike
12 JANUARY 2012
KingCast Presents Profiles in Domestic Violence: Saving Private Andrews from her husband and from Harrisburg Police.
http://christopher-king.blogspot.com/2012/01/kingcast-presents-busted-domestic.html
LikeLike
The feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, embarrassment, rejection and shame, remain long after the swelling, lacerations and bruises begin to fade.
LikeLike
Dearest Rebecca,
Thank you so much for your reply. It was exactly what I needed to hear! I am not in a relationship at this time because I did draw my line in the sand and he stepped over it. I told him what I expected in a relationship and what I would not put up with because of a 20 year marriage that included emotional and verbal abuse.
This man lied to me about his alcohol use. He also has a great deal of anger when he drinks and raising his hand to me in anger is a deal breaker. In fact, drinking was the deal breaker and I should have called it quits right then and there. When I read about different personalities where a person blames everyone else for their wrongs, those articles are totally describing him. What I don’t get is his mother used to run a battered woman’s shelter and he knew all the right things to say to me for me to fall in love with him. He let me know how a man should treat a woman, how a true loving relationship should be, blah blah blah. After he hit me and I left, about 6 months went by and he started contacting me again to let me know he was going to quit drinking and he couldn’t live without me. When I told him to give me a call when he was a year sober, he told me I wanted some fairy tale relationship that didn’t really exist and I had some major mental issues. I know in my heart that loving and kind relationships do exisit because my parents had one and you just confirmed that in your reply! My heart will wait for God to send the man he has chosen for me. In the mean time, I am taking classes to earn a degree in the Mental Health field since being laid off two years ago. It’s hard financially (I’m searching frantically for a job) and lonely sometimes but I know I will be just fine because I have faith and I have family and friends who love me and most importantly, I love me. I also have this blog to help lift me up when I’m feeling low.
May God bless you, Rebecca and your work here. I just turned 51 and will graduate from college next summer. I hope with my new degree that I can grow up to be like you!
Lots and lots of love,
Brenda
LikeLike
Dear Kat,
Thank God you called. Funny how we don’t want to ruin the day/life of the abuser. I had felt the same way, didn’t want him in prison, just away from me. It is hard to have the strength to do what you did but I am happy to hear you did it. Be safe and enjoy the life you have.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hello Hope and Peace,
Thank you for posting. What a sad day for the world. Sad that we have to remember friends dying like this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. The world will lose out on your friend.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dearest Sky,
Your post sent shivers down my spine for I live so much of it. I remember the packing up quickly and moving several times. The fear is crazy. I had nightmares of my stepfather for years and only wished him dead for there was no good to come from him to anyone. I pray that you find peace and counceling would benefit you so much. I think you want the love a father is supposed to give his daughter, you will never have that from this man I am sorry to say. There are others in the world that can do their best to fill that void. I too never really felt the love of a father. My parents divorced when I was 8 and we never got close enough to feel the love again. I one day just realized that I didn’t need his approval or love to be the woman that i wanted to be.
You are young but wise for your age. You will heal for you must, there is so much ahead for you that you must be healed for. You can talk to others about what you went through and how you are learning to heal. You could write, writing benefits others as you are finding here. You are not the only one that has dealt with this horror, many have, but you are the only you. You get to decide from here out what you will have in your life.
I too am proud of your mother for leaving, I was proud of my mother too and was shocked that I followed in her footsteps and stayed with an abusive man, knowing it would never stop.
We learn from our past, try to find what needs to be filled inside you so that you don’t allow the pain of your father back in. You are an amazing young lady and I am blessed to have heard from you. Keep in touch if you like. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Cherish,
Cherish indeed. I was totally alone for sometime. Just me and my thoughts and fears. Then 2 friends that I didn’t know I had stepped in and helped me to heal. Mostly just by listening. We all need others around us. Even if you have no family, you will be amazed by the strangers that will be there for you. Thanks for writing Cherish.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Brenda,
I am with a man, that loves me dearly, he has listened when I needed to talk, been quiet when all I needed was to share something. Has been woken if I had a nightmare and soothed me back to sleep. He has held my hand when a movie made me cry if there was any abuse. He has been there for me. He knows that he can’t yell at me or it will send chills down my spine. He knows that I will not tolerate any type of belittling and always makes me feel safe. I stayed alone for 10 years out of a fear that I would attract the same type of man and it would be too late for me to get out. I am now where I want to be. My choices.
You know yourself best. Don’t let the man in the past ruin the good one in the present. Be honest with him. But don’t make him pay for what someone else did. Don’t put it all on him to fix and heal you either Decide, I can live without this man in my life, I am strong, then you choose if you want him there for love, nothing else. Decide one thing, no matter who you are with, what line you will draw in the sand that will make you leave. Deal breakers they are called. If he were to physically hurt you, are you done? Does he belittle you, done. You are the one that gets to decide if you would stay if things are not the way you want them. Just allow yourself to be happy, finally. Things change day to day, you are the one in control of what will and will not be in your life Brenda.
I am 4 years later still madly in love with this man sent to me. I had begged God to allow the one to come to me. I didn’t have the heart to date and find him on my own. I stayed celibate for over ten years. Met this man, the man and the rest is history. Don’t sell yourself short. If this man is not the one move on, be alone, it is a good thing. If he is the man you care about, let the other bad man go.
Let me know how else we can help you here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Teen,
I can’t thank you enough for the words of wisdom you have shared with us. Hearing your story will inspire so many. It takes a strong person to be free and you are that indeed. I got shivers as I read your post. Please come back and share the road to recovery here, you will inspire so many, especially young gals to get out, be free, life was meant to be enjoyed, not endured. I am so proud of you to have come out on the other side of all of this. Being able to laugh is taken for granted.
Live each day to the fullest and share your knowledge, it will save another. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
towards jld — im 18 years old and i was just recently with a man since i was 13 and he was 19, and currently hes 24. he was abusive towards me , just like how your boyfriend is to you. and i must say JLD , when you doo deicde to leave him , it will be the best feeling in the world. my ex is in jail for beating on me and even though i didnt put him there. im glad hes there because when i was living with him , i wouldve rather been locked up in a jail rather than sleep in the bed with him just because of my fear that he would just snap for no reason
honey , it feels so amazing to know that ive overcome that obstacle and i was strong enough to get out of that relationship . he wasnt worth all the pain and suffering i went threw, and you will learn that..
no matter how much you think you might love that man , and no matter how many good times you guys may have had it doesnt make up for all the rude names hes called you (me) , all the physical abuse weve been threw and all the freedom we have lost.
with my man , i felt like i was locked in a cage i had no freedom i couldnt have any friends male or females, he was very abusive and protective but i just couldnt understand whyy .. and when he went to jail all he did was write me about how much he loved me and wanted to be with me when he got out , even though he was there kinda because of me … he still claimed he wanted to be with me ..
but thats what these men doo , they dont care what you do wrong to them as long as youll take them bak and allow them to keep abusing you , they will never leave either , its because they know they have the power and control . but you cant let them have it , you need to be strong
now that im not with my ex anymore .. i love my life , im always happy and bubble , its 2012 and time for my new beginning .. i feel free , loved , i feel important and wanted , i feel strong , because i know ive overcome the worst .. i have friends now , i have girlfriends and guy friends , i go out and have fun , i live my life..
because i can , because im stronger than the average girl .. i thought i was weak because i let him hurt me, but now i know im strong because i ended it , before he ended me ❤
LikeLike
What advice would you give a man who was in a relationship, hoping for it to be forever, with a woman who had been a victim of domestic violence? And being that woman, how do you learn to trust yourself again to be able to be in a long term relationship without feeling that sooner or later, the man is going to change and become that violent man of your past?
LikeLike
Hello Freedomsparrow,
Thank you for writing. You are in such a hard place. One thing that I have learned, don’t let others tell you how to live your life. Others can judge you but until they walk in your shoes, how can we decide for you. I know one of the most painful things for a mother is the loss of a child. You are the one that needs to do best for your children. I would never wish to be in your situation and pray that what ever decision you make is the best for everyone.
Your story will help others. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Thanks for listening,
Wow, that is so much to go through. I hope that you have already made plans to leave. This is no way to have any type of life. You don’t deserve any of this. There is so much in this world to enjoy and waking up everyday to this is a sheer torture. He doesn’t deserve you in any way. Make a decision that your life and sanity are more important than this man. Make a plan to change your life forever, walk out the door.
Keep in touch, get to the other side.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear JD,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I pray at this point that you are already away from this man. When someone treats you life this it doesn’t change. I don’t care what you think you did, you never deserved any of this. We all do things that we later regret, by no one deserves to be abused, no one. If you are still there you need to get out and get help. YOu are so young and have so much life ahead of you to enjoy.
Keep in touch. I wish you all the strength you need to have what you want in life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hello Forversun,
I know how you are feeling. When I found out that my estranged husband died, after the initial denial and shock wore off I was ashamed to admit that I was so relieved. I had begged God for years to take this man from the world for he only hurt others for he was in so much pain himself. I later realized that God have taken him when he was abusing me, but it was as if I needed to leave him to get a grip of my life.
May you have all that you dream in life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dearest Angela,
We often wonder why we were given this cross to bear in life, someday, you will find it. Sometimes there is no reason, you are just surrounded by the wrong people by no choice of your own. You will make it through this, to have survived all that you have so far, you were meant for bigger things than this. I would love to see you journal if you do not already. It is a great way to get some of the pain out and it will help others too. Maybe an online blog or just one for you. So many others suffer just like you do and it helps to know you are not all alone. Strangers really care. You can pick your friends, family you are often stuck with. One day you will be able to leave all of this behind, some family members are just not worth the grief. You are the one to break the chain, it means that you will have to deal with all that you have been from and find something to share from it.
I wish you all the best, keep in touch so that we know how you are doing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I have Dom violence issues with my brother and noone seems to understand it… His abuse from the age of ten has wounded my self belief my confidence and probably bottled up inside of me allot of anger and self hate as my mother was abused by my father and this extended to my brothers mum couldn’t stop it from happening from s really young she all I can seem to remnrt is me knowing my dad was doing something wrong and I allways screamed out stop or I’ll call the police, I wish I knew my karma and the reason I seem to be the one always trying to stop the cycle and in doing so becoming stronger and wiser person
LikeLike
My husband passed on 12/29/2009. I would like to say it was the worse day of my life but it was the day I became a survivor instead of a victim. 14 years is a long time and I often wonder how and why it lasted so long but I am just thankful that I can share my story and help others that are now in the very same shoes I was in a mere 2 years ago.
LikeLike
Some violence all starts with love
LikeLike
i was in a abusive relationship and i finally call the cops but they didnt do anything because i didnt have any bruises can i still win this case of domestic violence ?
LikeLike
I am 19 years old and I had been with my boyfriend since I was 14. The first time he hit me shocked me. It was while laying in bed, we got into an argument and when I turned over he hit me in the center of my back. For some reason I accepted his apology since we had been together for 4 years already and I loved him and I knew it was out of anger. At my sister’s house one night we were bickering and when I stood up he kicked me from behind, no one else saw, but still I was embarrassed. He said he didn’t mean to kick me that hard. The last time he did anything to me was in front of all my friends after we had gone out one night. He threw my keys at my face and yelled at me. I broke all ties with him. Seven months later we reunited and tried to rekindle what we had. I knew he had not forgiven me for leaving in the first place, so I begged him to give me another try. After 2 months of seeing each other again, he was treating me horribly and kept saying he wanted me out of his life. I begged him over and over to love me. Last night, he told me to leave once and for all and I walked back into the house and yelled that he was a jerk. I walked up and slapped him in his face, which I didn’t know I even had the strength to do because I have never been a violent person. He got up and put his hands around my neck and pinned me against a wall. His cousin was in the room watching this and did nothing. As he had me against the wall he was yelling at me and hit me in my ribs and slapped my face. He then threw me down and I ran out. I know I ignited this and brought it upon myself and I feel so much shame and guilt. I had waited months to tell my family about the first few instances, but I immediately told them all because we were all together celebrating Thanksgiving and I needed them to all know what happened because I couldn’t keep it in. I feel his hands around my neck and see the hate in his eyes. I dreamed that he killed me last night. I don’t know how to handle this.
LikeLike
last night we were arguing & he didnt like what i said so he threw me against the wall, choking me with his forearm against my neck, grabbing onto my clothes. He screamed at me, calling me names. I yelled at him to let me go and struggled to get away. He slammed me again, my head hitting the wall. He choked harder, nothing new, but for the first time i actually couldnt breathe. I slumpt to the ground and he called me a fat cunt. his favorite pet name for me when hes mad. he made fun of me as i tried to walk away because im in a cast and didnt have my crutches near and had to hobble. he said hed hate his life too if he was a fat cunt bitch with a broken ankle. he came in after and hit me with a rose- the one he had bought me just the day before “just because” and to show how much he loved me. he had cut the stem off and hit me so hard with it it stung and the petal exploded over the room. then he took a bottle of medicine (from my doctor bc of my ankle) and dumped it over me…. just like hes done before. with medicine, cooked rice, soda, coffee, and a few other things. he didnt spit in my face this time. im grateful for that. he walked in later to hit me in the face with his sweater. to scream for all of my neighbors to hear about how fat and nasty and gross i am. what a cunt i am. because he knows the c word is my least favorite word and bc he knows im very health conscious and hate being called fat. which is ironic bc im not the slightest bit overweight (not that that would make it okay) but its him manipulating me bc he knows thats something ive always been insecure about. he locked me out of the bedroom. i was forced to get on my hands and knees to find my meds, then sleep- which i didnt, literally, not one second, on the couch. talking through our paper thin walls, laughing as he heard me cleaning up, mumbling about how he should have “finished choking me out”, calling me names. in the morning he took my car. we live together and he doesnt have one. he went to his moms and to wal mart. he came back six hours later. i asked if he picked up the fish food (seems strange to you, im sure: no hi, lets talk about last night, just did you get the fish food? painfully sad. its hard to understand unless youve been in my situation ) and he said wal mart was out. bitter from the night before i mumbled that he was gone for six hrs with my car and didnt get the one thing i needed. he told me to go to hell. that was his “remorse” from the night before. i told him to leave. then it all started again. if i wasnt such a cunt, fuck you, youre so fat, you should be beaten. you deserve to be beat. he hit me in the face with pillows so hard i thought my head was spinning. then threw them down and slapped me. he called me pathetic. and you know what, i am. because thats nowhere near the worst hes done and i dont have the balls to leave. ive always said id never be “one of those girls”. i am intelligent, i come from a good home, with a great family and loving parents who are still together and very much in love. i have a great job. i am attractive. i always seemed to get what i wanted. i was a bit spoiled growing up but appreciated that and have volunteered my time since i was a middle schooler. i go to church. i am a good person. i try to be a good person. i try really really hard to not judge people and be understanding and forgiving. i am pathetic. he left. he will be back in the morning. this is the first time i have ever, ever, ever spoken of this to anyone. everyone thinks hes prince charming- because he is to everyone else. and to me …until he becomes this monster that no one else knows.
i am ashamed.
i secretly hate myself.
thank you for listening.
LikeLike
Hello everyone,
Just giving you all an update. Today I do realize how happy I was before I met him and that even relationships that made me happy did not last. And I finally moved on emotionally. His family is also just as controlling and manupulative as he is, but I will not let them influence any decision I make. I have been thinking about adoption with my third child because my parents are so right about my situation and I want so much better for all my children. His family as well as my child’s father wants me to give my child on the way to my abuser’s mother. I cant let that happen I have already endured enough from these people my son does not deserve to go through this and I want a better life for him. His family is liek how can a mother do this? One thing that is misunderstood is domestic violence. The victim has to do whatever it is neccessary to give herself and her children a better life. What I really do not understand is the victim having to face the abuser if the victim decides to do adoption. The abuser actually has more rights to the child because he is in jail. He has to show up for court he does not have a choice when he is incarcerated, therefore he has more rights. I am hoping that if he does not voluntarily say yes to it that because of his domestic violence record to not only me but my mother, the court will involuntarily take away his parental rights. But the only thing I am worried about now is my exsisting kids and how he will use them to manipulate me, if he chooses to parent. With this situation I will it to help other people and be the best substance abuse counselor I can be.
LikeLike
i just got out of a abusive relation ship and belive me its harder to get out than you think you have to have people in your life to get you out of it no hotline no shelter will ever make a diffrence if you dont have support from those around you and if your abuser tells you you have know one speak up and speak out someone will help
LikeLike
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for writing, I completely understand how you are feeling, it is harder to forgive oneself for staying than it is to forgive the one that abused you. It took longest to find the way to forgive me. As hard as it is, you must. Pretend you are talking to a dear friend, what would you say, how would you want her to feel? You know better now and would never allow this to happen again, so we hope. I agree with the counseling it helped me to deal with life again. The trauma in the aftermath is another trauma that we go through that others don’ ever realize.
Ten years later I still can’t watch movies about major abuse without crying, I hate to hear fake gestures of violence. It is going to stay a part of your soul as it did so much damage to it to begin with. I am happy that you have found some peace and love in your life. A good man can make a bad mad fade away.
I suffered with horrific nightmares for ten years, now just once in a blue moon I will dream he is the man in the bed next to me.
I can only say that time really does heal this wound. Don’t let the abuse he put on you define the rest of your life. He doesn’t deserve it.
You are on your way to moving on, I can hear it in your words. Keep in touch, let me know how I can be there for you. Don’t let the past define your future.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Let it be said that if the person you love who is supposed to love you …. was a good, kind, caring, supportive, loving individual that you would not have reason to escape the relationship.
Dating/domestic abuse is unacceptable and until we (society) holds batterers accountable women and children will continue to suffer, many times in silence for fear of the person they love.
LikeLike
I came here for a quote and of course the stories drew me in. I felt the tingle of my own panic as I moved the cursor down this page. My Dad was an abusive alcoholic. He physically and emotionally abused my Mom & I. As a kid I never watched TV, never had friends over, was never allowed to go to friends houses. Dad liked to drag us up and down the stairs by our hair and fling my pets across the living room. These were the most humane of his actions. One year I had a kitten. He kicked the cat so often that it stopped coming to him. This angered him, so from whatever mindset he comes from, he decided to hunt my cat. I wondered why kitty came home one day acting strange. Dad said it had rabies and he put it in a box. I never saw my cat again. It didn’t have rabies. He had shot it and grazed its skull just enough that it was still alive but barely. He placed my cat in a box and threw the whole thing on top of the firepit outside, cat and all burned. Thats just one of the many “pet” stories. One that isn’t so graphic.. I used to wonder what it would be like if my parents divorced. I never saw my household as broken because abuse was all I ever knew. I’ll never forget the day my Mom decided to leave. She tried many times but we always ended up back home. At one point Dad held Mom hostage in the house for a week. He didn’t go to the bar often but one night he did & the next morning he wasn’t home. Mom started throwing stuff in her car. I asked, “Where are we going?” And she told me, “I’m getting out of here. You can go inside & pack whatever you can- only the essentials- and you can leave with me, or you can stay here & wait for your dad to get home.”
I didn’t even stop to think. All I knew was that I wasn’t going to be the only person in the house when he got back to find it empty. (Later on as I looked back on this, I knew she’d never leave me. She was just trying to let me think for myself, something dad never let us do). We left the house 15 mins later. We drove down the dirt road and the snow began to thicken. My little brother was crying. All of a sudden my mother stopped the car.
“Be quiet for a minute.” she hissed. The car became silent. We pulled into as neighbors driveway and backed up so that no one could see us from the road. Then we watched the road we had been on, our hearts in our throats as my fathers truck came rumbling past. He didn’t see us. As soon as he rounded the corner, we were gone.
I asked my Mom years later how she knew. And she always claims it was her angel. A gut feeling that told her to get off the road, fast.
Its been 9 years since I’ve seen my father. The last time was during a visitation (before he lost that right when his girlfriend caught him passed out on her couch with a handgun).. His face was beat red from drinking. Its as if red became his natural color. He’s in jail for violating probation (I still read about him in the paper). Probation for holding his girlfriend hostage.. But it’s been 9 years. Even though he slaughtered my pets and put my head through a wall, I miss him. I wonder how he’s doing. I wonder if he misses me or if his #1 concern is still his “precious son” (whom he also hasn’t seen in 9 years). I want to make a trip to the jail. I feel like I’d be safe with him behind bars. I have unanswered questions. I have this sense of panic and urgency to see him before the alcohol poisons him to death. Mom doesn’t think its safe for me to find him until my little brother turns 18. I feel like if I wait that long, he’ll be dead. I also feel like my questions won’t be answered & they’ll eat me from the inside out for the rest of my life. I’m only 20 years old. I miss my Dad. But this is the vicious cycle isn’t it? I know I can’t slip into the comfortable routine of abuse. I was in my 1st abusive relationship ages 15-17. The first year was great. By the second year my (ex)boyfriend was cutting me during sex. I used to wake up in the middle of the night & he wouldn’t stop touching me. I got away eventually but not so easily. I moved out swiftly one afternoon and came home to my Mom (who was ecstatic to see me get away from this guy). But he’d stalk me, show up at my school & try to break into my window at night. I can’t say I’ve fully recovered. I’ve developed panic attacks, a needle phobia and other not so pleasant mental stuff from all the bullshit. I used to have bad nightmares & sometimes when I was trying to sleep I’d feel invisible fingers tracing themselves over my thighs. I’ve come a long way since then but I still have terrible panic attacks. When I hear stories from other people I wish there was some way we could all erase whats happened to us. Perhaps I wouldn’t have panic attacks that put me to the ground. Perhaps other girls wouldn’t suffer the way we did. At the end of the day I hate whats happened and I have to remind myself that I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today if I didn’t have to fight through life the way I did. I also thank my mother, who after 16 years found the strength (the fear) to leave. Life goes on..right?
LikeLike
qToday is the anniversary of the death of my dearest friend Kristi at the hands of her husband. I find it ironic that her death coincides with Domestic Violence Awarness Month. All of her friends have released purple balloons with her name and Stop Domestic Violence with the number to the Domestic Violence Hotline. I pray daily that her death will not be in vane. That if we get the message out and one person is saved, then she will have died for a cause. I love you Kristi Kay!
LikeLike
I dont get it. I keep getting myself into these crappy abusive relationships. Its not like I have ever depended on them to pay my bills or anything like that. I have always supported myself and my daughter. So I dont stay for that reason. Its almost like I feel gilty just thinking about calling the police and like causing them an issue with the law. But today finally I did and his grandma and aunt told me to. So I felt empowered know I had there support. They all understood. I made the call knowing full well that I might be arrested as well for hitting him back. But I didnt lie. Now I dont feel I have to lie about what happend to my face. And Im safe. I just needed to let the out.
LikeLike
I understand your thoughts and missing him but I have to tell you that it won’t change. I was in a situation like this too for 5 years off and on and believed, or wanted to believe, in the person he COULD be instead of facing the reality that he was WHO HE WAS and that I couldn’t change that. He has a ton of potential and a lot of great qualities. We too have memories and laughs that I think of often, but it’s better for me to remember those times and smile than to put myself back into a situation where I know I will get hurt again. Try to spend time with your family, your friends, doing something you enjoy and the things that make you feel strong. I know it is hard and I have a hard time following my own advice sometimes but believe me, it always goes back to the way it was before. Good luck to you and to all that have been through this.
LikeLike
Dear Tiffany,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Call the hotline, maybe they can find you a place to live, a temporary shelter, you should not have to live this way. I know you mom has her reasons for not leaving but those are hers, you don’t have to stay. Can you move in with anyone, let others know how bad it is, people you don’t know will want to help. You have a life ahead of you and deserve it. Reach out as you have done so hear.
Keep in touch, we are here to support you Tiffany.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
How can a few good memories erase the horrible things he did to you? I am not judging, I went back many times, many woman do. It is just amazing that we can put ourselves back in the arms reach of someone we know with no doubt, will hurt us eventually. I pray with all my heart that you stay gone this time. It doesn’t matter if he treated you like a queen and only hit you once a month, that is no way to live.You need to work on your self esteem and realize that a man can love you without ever, ever thinking of hurting you. Keep in touch, I want to help you move away from all of this. I am creating at support site at http://www.Rebeccaburns.com to support women in rebuilding their self esteem to expect more out of life than this.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Hope,
I love to read posts such as yours. It is the hardest thing you will ever do, but you have done it. The nightmares will stay for sometime, but they can’t kill you. You will breath better with each new day. This was the hardest time for me. Visithttp://www.RebeccaBurns.com as I am working to customize the site for woman just like you, ones that just left abuse and wonder how to survive it. I will offer resources and coaching on the site. Hang in there, the life you want will be yours soon. You encourage others with your story, I hope we hear from you again. Many woman are so close to leaving but don’t know how.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Freedom Bird,
Wow, that was a lot to take in. The good thing is that you are at the other end of the tunnel, out into the white light. To say you are strong is an understatement, just read what you wrote me here and that shows how much you have done. We can’t go back and change decisions we made, wishes and hindsight won’t make that happen. The best revenge is living a good life. I am so happy to hear that you have such a role model, we all need one. Fight for your freedom, fight for your life, fight for your dreams. You deserve them all.
As far as your children, tell them only what they need to know when they need to know it. No matter what, they will have love for their father. My son was so conflicted that he loved a man that he knew hurt us. I let him know that is way okay that he loved his father. Put your children into counseling if you can, as you said your son is acting out. They remember more than we think they do.
You are on the right path, learn from the past and never allow it back into your life again. You saw the warning signs and stayed, next time, this teaches us no matter what, if we see the warning signs to leave. You deserve better.
Keep in touch and all the best to you and your family.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Felicia,
That is so cool, I was so happy to hear from you. Keep up the great work.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Thank you Anonymous,
That was such a great post, there are others here to support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I’m 23 years old and I have lived with my abusive alcoholic father since I was born. He gets drunk and then verbally abuses my mom. Calls her degrading names, screams at her. He’s hit her a few times, and has thrown things at her. I think a low point was when the cops took him away after a drunken fight with my mom after he kicked her broken ankle. She got away but then she caved and let him back in. Things were okay for a little while then he got back into his old habits. The entire house hold lives on eggshells, wondering what kind of mood he will be in. I have had to plan my entire life around his moods as well. I also feel like I missed out on a normal upbringing. If I couldn’t go hang out with my friends, I’d have to make up excuses why I couldn’t. I feel like I missed out on going away to college because of him not being in control. I lost my job a few months ago so I can’t move out. I feel stuck and I’m tired of making up excuses. No one really knows the full extent of how bad it is. I wish my mom would leave but she is on state disability and says she can’t because of money and how my dad won’t leave. He honestly has nowhere to go. He only has one surviving sister who is an alcoholic as well and a dad in an Alzheimer’s home. I can’t do this anymore.
LikeLike
Fear is what kept me frozen in time. I remember looking out the window and thinking that life was beautiful out there but it was just not for me, it was so out or reach from me. Yet i realized i had been truly blessed the day i had courage to just walk away, ended up in the shelter, obtained a protective order, and currently pending divorce to be finalized, a couple of more days and it will be finalized, I pray to God it happens, despite my journey i still wake up in nightmares yet i know God has always been there with me.
LikeLike
i was in an abuse relationship for about one year. Most of it was emotional but there was quite a bit of physical abuse as well. I met him on line, he had added me on Facebook and we had mutual friends, so i didn’t think a lot of that, i was so naive. We chatted a lot for a couple months and then finally went to a public place too meet, i of course brought a friend. Things were great at first, but went sour quickly, only three weeks after we met in person he had already shown his dark side, he shoved me, pushed me to the ground and pinned me down and took my cell phone so i could not call for help, when i got up to run he grabbed me by my hair and slammed my face into the wall. Why I came back after that, I do not know. I have never been attacked by anyone in my entire life. I think a large part of it was that we had been talking so much online that i had already developed an emotional bond, or what i thought was an emotional bond, with him. I also felt the obligation to change him for whatever reason, or help him become more mentally stable.
I have a very close and loving family and grew up in a nice neighborhood with my dad and my step-mom, both of whom i am very close with. So when my parents and I had met for dinner one night i removed my jacket without thinking, i was wearing a tank top, and my dad asked me why i had a bruise in the shape of a hand print around my upper arm, i made excuses and said that it was just from playing around. After this my dad grew suspicious and did some research at my now ex-boyfriend. He managed to find his criminal report, four pages of violent and drug related offenses, also two reports of harassment which he was due to go to court for in the beginning of the relationship. What threw me off was the fact that almost all of the charges for everything on the criminal report were thrown out, or had minimal sentencing, usually a fine. So i still thought that it was okay to continue on with the relationship.
In the year i was with him i was held of the floor and strangled, hit in the face, pushed around, forced into sex, forced to do sexual things that made me uncomfortable, and the worst time was when i walked in on him cheating on me and when i turned to leave, he grabbed me, pushed me to the ground, and kicked me repeatedly while i was curled up in a ball. It only stopped because a neighbor came out and pulled him off of me, picked me up and carried me into his apartment, then called the police. Even then when the police showed up and i was bleeding and had bruises on my face and down my sides, i declined making a report and pressing charges. I was humiliated. I lied to coworkers, telling them i was hit in the face playing sports.
When he wasn’t being physically abusive, it was emotional, name calling, telling me he could do better, told me i need to be more outgoing because i wasn’t pretty enough to sit and be quite. He also played games with me, he would get mad at me and tell me to “get the F*** out of his apartment, but then when i would get up to leave he would block the door and beg me not to leave, and wouldn’t let me leave.
When i did find strength to get out and leave him, he would threaten me, he even when as far to call my work and tell my boss that i was on drugs and was harassing him via cell phone, while i was at work. He would pull little stunts like this to get me to stay.
I finally did manage to get away from him. I am now in a great relationship with a guy who can kind of understand what i have been through. The guy I am in a relationship now was at one point a friend of my ex, up until my ex robbed him and sold all of his belongings for drug money.
It has been almost a year now, and it still haunts me. Certain things in my daily life will trigger bad memories and i will have panic attacks from over thinking about it. I also have nightmares about it, and i do not trust easily anymore.
I have recently been thinking about looking into seeing a therapist for some sort of guidance to help me get some sort of closure or get over it. I know it is not my fault for what he did to me, but i feel 100% to blame because i kept going back. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to communicate my emotions clearly anymore, and I feel like I am ruining current relationships because of it. I really hope that one day i can move past all of it, and stop living in fear, and learn to trust people that do honestly care for me.
LikeLike
Dear survivors
I came across this site while i was searching for inspirational quote for a leaflet i making to help those who are going through domestic voilence. I have read almsot every story and to be honest i do not know what to say. I pray that God continues to give all of strenght to carry on, i pray that God comforts each and every single of you and your families. Remember that you are a SURVIVOUR, you can make it without your abuser. i witnessed Domestic violence as a child and i was in an an abusive relationship for 2 years, i spent 90% of the time making excuses and saying to myself that i had a part to play in it. Although i always fought back i made sure i always fought back because it made me feel less of a victim. i understand that it hard to get out but getting out is the most rewarding thing you will ever do for yourself. Be couragious, you are worth 100x more than think you are.
stay blessed.
LikeLike
Typical abuse story: I became involved at a young age with a wonderful, charming guy. I was 16, he was 17. He was my first, and I knew we’d be in it for a long time. The abuse started about 6 or 7months in. First just slight controlling stuff. Then my mom sensed that he was bad for me and told me I could break up with him or leave home. She didnt think I would leave. We moved in together, living with his friends, his family, different places. Then one night was set off by something I said and pushed me down in the middle of the street. I was shocked and later he broke down and apologized. Gradually he cut me off from family, friends. He pushed, grabbed, intimidated. Once he knocked the wind out of me so hard, I couldnt breath forwhat seemed like an eternity. The first time I tried to leave he lost it. He wouldnt let me leave. After a day of horrbile degradation including death threats, sucicde threats, I ended up calling the police and he was arrested. Fast forward 6 months later- the guilt of putting him in jail ate me alive, and I couldnt take the silence any more. I iniated contact and after just a few weeks of talking, we were together and in the same abusive situation again. THEY DONT CHANGE. Pretty much the same thing happened, he became abusive again after he spent enough time convincing me he was different. He stayed at home drinking while I was at work all day. The abuse started, intimidation, stalking me at work, keeping tabs, questioning. I told him after a really heated argument that he needed to leave and he smashed a bunch of my stuff and intimidated me so much that I begged him to stay. Again, I eventually called the cops after it got really bad. But there were so many good times I didnt tell you about. Enough that I started to miss him so much after about a year of us being apart. All the things we had in common. All the funny stories from the past. We practically grew up together. Then another year had gone by. And I started to miss him even more. All I could focus on were the good things from our past. I started becoming obsessed with the idea of him as a changed person. After all I had changed quite a bit. I got in touch with him. Mistake. Now here I am in the SAME situation as before. They always act so different until they have you back in their trap. I can feel the rope around me tightening again and I pray to God I’ll find the strenght to leave this time.
LikeLike
Wow, this is amazing! I am the victim of domestic abuse, and i cant find my way out….no money, nowhere to go, scared of leaving. However, im writing a book, and these quotes are wonderfully on the money. Thank u, authors for having written them, and thank u, creator of this site for putting it together.
LikeLike
I really have enjoyed this site so far. On this site I feel that people will not judge you on why you you made the decisions you made and will offer support. I have been feeling very alone and that no one I talk to knows the extent of events that I have gone through and why I stayed up until I finally had enough and pressed charges.
I have been pretty distraught lately about my previous relationship with my children’s father. Here is some background on this guy:
We were dating for almost three years and from the start I knew what kind of person he was but I pursued him anyway because I knew that he loved me very much. When I met him he lied to me and said that he was 28 and that he had no children. When he really was 36 and had four children with two different women. He was married previously from about 1990-1996. He had three children with her and one child with another chick that he cheated on his wife with(they were pregnant at the same time!). His two oldest kids are like 5 months apart. He has 2 20 year olds, one 18 year old, a 17 year old, a 8 month old, and one on the way. He is now 38 years old. I learned that he also had a criminal record I think he had like three burglaries and one was also with having a firearm when he was not supposed to. That was five years before I met him but red flags went up at that time. I wanted to be done with him for good when he got arrested the first time but his family kept pursuing me to be with him, so I gave in. I tried not to judge him and I showed him acceptance from the start. Since the beginning of our relationship he has lied about where he was going, got arrested 4 times in almost three years ( One of those times is recently for substantial battery, false imprisonment, and disorderly conduct towards me). Has a gambling problem, a drug problem, he has stolen thousands of dollars from me from my bank account when I didnt even know my PIN on my card,no driver’s lisence, he’s on probation,thousands of dollars in debt with child support, he attempted college when he was with me and failed miserably so he has students loans he has to pay, he didn’t come home for days on end and left me stranded at home with the kids with no car, never paid a single bill, spent most of our money on drugs , has called my son that is not biologically his names and threatened that he was going to throw all of his toys in the dumpster, he disowns him everytime we argue, has even called our daughter names, (his excuse is that I will take the kids away from him if we separated), threatens to leave when we get into an argument, breaks my belongings to get his way, and of course has hit me (he justifies why he hits me because I used to, when I only remember that I hit him once), and called me degrading names.
Anyways so here is our story…
The earliest events of abuse that I remember is a time when he found out I was talking to my ex behind his back. When he found out he called me all sorts of names and ripped a necklace that he bought me off my neck and I stayed. He was out of work for an entire year because he said that I was too demanding, but he still stayed. He lived with his mom when I met him and had no money because he just got out of a relationship and was running away from her. Also when I met him he was hanging out with chicks that were my age abusing drugs and acting like an idiot. I looked at him like what are you doing with these people? He did seem like a nice person he has just made a lot of mistakes and he was very good with my son. Farther into the relationship the lying, gambling, drug use, abandonment, and emotional abuse was so intense I told everyone what was going on because I felt like I could not talk to this guy whatsoever. Eventually both of our families hated us and we were pretty much isolated. This guy even persuaded me to live with him before I was ready to be on my own. I never hung out with his friends with him. I didnt like any of his friends and deleted many of their numbers out of his phone because they were drug dealers or users, or even scammers! I hated every minute at that house that we lived in together and we haven’t even been there a year. Everytime he didnt come home at night I threw a fit and went over my mom’s house. He said he didnt trust me over at my mom’s and he got very upset. I told him so it is okay for you to be out til the next day, but I can’t leave. He said that was” his quiet time away”. Whenever he did that I knew he was up to no good he was either doing drugs or gambling. To the best of my knowlegde he never cheated on me but who knows I don’t believe one word he says. I think our relationship was over the minute we moved in together. There was nothing but fights once a week. After our daughter was born it just got worse. My depression after she was born was really bad because I lived in fear everyday, is he going to come home tonight are we going to argue? I was breast feeding and I felt like I was confined to her because she was not supplemented. He would not let me go anywhere. I go line dancing with my dad once a week and he hated the fact that I danced. One day I asked him if I could go with my dad dancing because I think it was the first time in about a month and if he could watch the kids he said yes. His 20 year old daughter from Georgia was up here and he wanted me to stay. I could not stand to be in that house even if you payed me any longer. He said I can go If I do the dishes I’m like I will try but that is a pretty unrealistic expectation. I was getting ready, watching two kids, cooking, and doing homework all at the same time before I went. I ended up not having enough time to do dishes before he and his daughter came back and my dad showed up so I left. Two minutes later he calls my dad’s phone you better get back here and do the dishes otherwise I’m calling the police and telling them you abondoned your son. I said no I’m leaving and shut the phone off. So I get up to line dancing and he tells the line dancing teacher that he is sending the police up here and I abondoned my son so I had to leave. So me and my dad said screw you we are going to the bar. So me, my dad, and his best friend are chilling at the bar, and he is calling every 10 minutes. So I said whatever I am so tired of listening to it “O Mariah has no more food you need to come home so we can work on our relationship”. I never felt so much rage in my life ever. I have always been in control of my actions but that day I could not control my anger. When I got home I went straight to my room where the kids were sleeping and I tried to dance because if I didnt I swear I was going to punch him in the face. He barges in the room gets in my face smells my breath (I was not drinking) and accuses me of drinking and he rips off my necklace, rips my earings out of my ears, and rips up a $55 poster of me and him pregnant with Mariah. That was the last straw for me without even thinking I lounged at him and I punched him in the face multiple times even when he had our daughter in his arms. I was so enraged I could not see anything, control my behavior, or stop screaming, I started packing my bags and that was when he punched me in the face he tried to leave with MY car! So I punched him in the face some more and screamed that he isnt going anywhere I AM! Finally the police arrive and I get arrested for criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct. I dont want to say I liked jail but actually it was so peaceful I felt that I was in heaven for a few hours. The next day I got bailed out and called the police to get my daughter out of his sister’s house. When I got out I did not want to answer any of his phone calls. All he kept doing was O honey I was up all night calling around to get the money to bail you out. I was like I really do not care I do not want to talk to you right now because I can’t for one and I just do not want to. Then he tried saying your family just wanted you to sit there. I was like technically I wanted to sit there so I was away from you! Eventually he did talk me into going back but the fights still never stopped. The very last altercation was 6-15-11. That day I was up early tending the kids, looking for jobs, and studying(I am getting my Bachelor’s in Human services to be a substance abuse counselor). He is lying around all day complaining he doesn’t feel good. All of the sudden he catches an attitude. He’s huffing and puffing o I dont want to fight for this anymore! He goes downstairs and he finds out the laundry was on the floor and he asked me to bring it up the night before. A couple hours earlier I asked him if it was okay to go line dancing with my dad he says yes. So after he is huffing and puffing and he gets into the shower I follow him and I’m like what is your problem?! He throws a tubstopper at me I throw it back. We are still arguing he runs to the store comes back. He still wont tell me what his problem is. So he jumps on the phone leaves a message with the landlord saying he wants to get out of the lease and makes a few other calls and he pushes my face away with the phone antenna. My face splits wide open and there’s blood everywhere I’m freaking out and he starts packing his bags and not letting me leave the house. He says stuff like you dont need to go to the ER I can stop the bleeding myself. He still continues to try to leave and hes only thinking about himself. Them I’m like screw it IM LEAVING! So I pack up my stuff and then he takes it to my car prolonging me to go to the ER even longer. So when he walks away from my car I make a mad dash for it. I jump in the car turn around and then he jumps in front of my car. I was not going to stop so he moved away. I went there and I told the hospital that he did it. He brought the kids up to the ER and was trying to upset me even more. I showed them who he was to and they told me to press charges so they could make an arrest. I called my mom to tell her to tell my dad. And she told me to press charges or else she would disown me. I told her to bring me to the police station so I could. I pressed charges my moms boyfriend was at the house so they could arrest him and he could sit with my kids until me and my mom arrive. The house was trashed the police took pics and smelled THC and found a pipe. So he was smoking in front of the kids. He is now being revoked and being sentenced. He has a PO hold and his revokation is being processed. There was also times that he threatened me and my mom with a firearm over the phone. He came to my friend’s baby shower threaned me to give him money and where I put the car. I pressed charges on him then but they never made an arrest. He has threw me on the ground multiple times before. Attacked me out of no where and I fought back and we broke each other’s glasses. He always threatened me that he would press charges on me if we didnt talk. He called housing on my mother telling them that she does drugs and throws parties. Called her in accusing her of tax fraud. I mean you name it this guy has done it. Almost everything that I payed for in my house was broken. He put holes in the bedroom wall. Threw laps off the dresser. I had enough when he scarred my face they made an arrest and I could finally get on with my life. I can admit it was hard because two months after the incident I found out I was three months pregnant with his child. I told him and of course he tried getting back together. At this point I have cut all ties. I do not write, answer calls, or visit him. I have finally realized I am in control and he is not. I also finally understand that the stress I am dealing with now I will take anyday than being in a relationship like that. And of course I was a skeptic before this happened to me. I didnt think it was that hard to leave a situation like that until it happened to me. I have finally come to terms that all of that abuse I went through was not normal and no matter what I did I did not deserve to endure all that same with my kids. I am 21 but I feel that it will make me a better counselor. I have future goals of going to graduate school and getting my master’s in psychology. Those goals were there before I met him. That is what probably gave me the strength to push because I held onto the three most positive things in my life that I loved way more than I loved him which was, my children, school, and dancing. I mean it is hard when people talk down about someone you once loved, but you do know they are looking out for your best interest as well as your chidren. I still get angry when people tell me “you can never talk to him again or else..”. Well obviously that is a very unrealistic expectation because we have children together unless you want me to go to jail I will have to face him someday. I do not want to look at the what ifs but I know that facing him is a possibility. You cant just say dont ever talk to him again and get a third party involed with your children. That is so heartbeaking to know that your children have to grow up like that, especially my son. I do not want him to be treated differently than his siblings because I do not know who his father is and he is all he knows and he loves him to death so does my daughter. It breaks my heart knowing that they have a father that cannot provide for them and went to jail for beating mama. I am not looking forward to telling my daughter, my son is so heartbreaking because he acts out and asks about him sometimes. I do not want to keep them from him. But he did technically abuse them to. Domestic violence is technically child abuse as well. I do hope it will get better but the new prgnancy does complicate things because I am trying to get back on my feet and start from scratch right now. But I am telling myself that it will be difficult but not impossible. I have an amazing role model she is my children’s god mother and she is there for me whenever I need her. She also raised three kids, put herself through college, and worked full time. She has also been in an abusive relationship so she and I can relate. I also asked her if I can put her in my WILL and if anything happens to me can my kids go to her and she said of course! There does not come a day when even though life is hard right now that me and my kids are very blessed. Everything happens for a reason it up up to you to decide what that reason is. And I think me and my kids have a very bright future ahead! Thank you guys for letting me share. It means so much!
LikeLike
For everyone that I read that is currently in an abusive relationship or has returned to one: you are not alone. These situations are difficult to eliminate, but YOU ARE STRONG. Women safely get out of abusive relationships every day. Look for resources in your community, there is more than you think. Look for help with peole you trust, make safety plans, there are people to help you. You can try Crisis Services. KEEP HOPE. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
LikeLike
Hi Christina,
Great for you. Writing heal in so many ways for the reader and the writer. Start a blog, write and share, it is one of the best ways to help online.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear May,
I know how you are feeling, all on here do. I am so sorry for how you are living. I will never forget the living on eggshells and what mood will he be in today. This is no way to live. You know you need to leave. It was my weakest day of my life when I stood up and let the police take him, I never allowed him back again. You don’t know how strong you really are. It is when you fear leaving more than you fear staying that you will take action. Check local services now to see where you support is. Check out this site http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php it can help you get started. You need to make plans on how to get out. You need to show your child that life doesn’t have to be this way. Keep in touch and my heart and strength is with you.
May the other woman here reach out and support her during this time we have most all been through. It is the toughest of times.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Heather,
Great to hear back from you. How crazy is the law? Unless you have been through this you don’t get that the fear lasts so long. I did not have to deal with him taking our son ever as he died within 2 years and restraining orders were still there. I too would be freaked. I appreciate the fact that you now have a strong support system. Always be on guard, know what is going on. Always have you protection and your famalies in the front of your mind. He will know that you are done with the crap and are standing up for yourself. I often said I would prefer to die head on than wither away in a corner somehwere. You are a shining example of what we can do, even when we have fear. You are taking a step at a time. You are a great role model for many, especially your child. Keep in touch. Vent, that is always welcomed here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was in an abusive relationship & i would like to write a book that will hopefully help people in the same situation see that they too can get out. if any of you would like to submit your stories of what you went through, uplifting quotes, prayers words of encouragement, poems, songs, anything you would like. i would gladly appreciate it. Domestic Violence shouldnt happen to anyone & I want to help people find their voice and stand up & find the strength to get out. my email adress is imasurvivor1989@yahoo.com
LikeLike
I came accross this site a while back and after reading the posts I thought that my situation wasn’t as bad as the other stories I have read on here. At the present time I realize that although not as bad, my situation isn’t normal or “O.K” as I have tried to tell myself for years. I have been with my husband for 9 years married for 4 and we have a 2 year old. We have gone through a lot in the past 2 years with the failing economy in our area. We lost a lot and it has put a tremendous strain on our relationship. Things will be great for a time but then out of nowhere it is World War III. it has gotten to the point now where I constantly second guess myself. If he can’t find something around the house or if he forgets something he will call me screaming at me as if it were my fault. It seems he can’t do anything for himself and every little thing will set him off. My daughter is at the age where she is starting to realize that daddy yells alot and I fear that is why she doesn’t really want to be with him. He does not physically show any agression to our child but he will yell in front of her which I hate. I have noticed that she has started to become very verbal which I attribute to the behavior she witnesses from time to time. Before our daughter was born we would have some pretty heated arguments and he has hit me before. He once got so angry that he ripped a door off the hinges and threw it at me. Why I stayed I didn’t know. We didn’t plan to have our daughter but it happened and for a time we were happy. He would apologize for his behavior and I would make excuses for him like “he’s stressed” or “he’s tired” or “he’s not a morning person” I would even apologize knowing I did nothing to deserve the abuse or treatment that he was putting me through. I would apologize just so that he would stop screaming and throwing things. I know now that because I am a mother that there is no excuse for his behavior that IT ISNT RIGHT and IT ISN”T NORMAL but now.. I am afraid. I walk on eggshells everyday waiting for the next blow up. He is always so angry and will jump the minute that things don’t go his way. I have gotten a little more of a back bone since having my child but that seems to only piss him off more and the past few arguments we have had have been so explosive and he threatens me with divorce or to leave and deep down inside I am begging for him to just go but I keep thinking about my child how I don’t want her not to have a father. I have a lot of resentment towards him for what he has put us through mentally but he adores our child. I would have left a long time ago but I am truly fearful of what he will do. His rage is so extreme that he has black out moments when he is angry and doesn’t realize what he is doing or so he says. I have never told ANYONE what I have been through. I guess I just need to get my voice back but I feel that he took it from me so long ago. I hope that just having someone to understand the pain and fear that I have will help me to stand up for myself. I am not a weak person but he makes me feel like a child..helpless.
LikeLike
Rebecca,
I wish I could renew a restraining order year after year. But essentially, because I have managed to keep my daughter and I out of harms way, I do not meet the requirements necessary to keep a protective order in place. Since he has not physically abused me recently the courts no longer view him as a threat to me or my child. They do not understand that he has not abused me because I have not put myself in a position to be abused, and given the opportunity he would not hesitate to hurt us. When I took an e-mail and voice recording of of him threatening the life of my daughter and I the commissioner told me (exact words) “Look hon, unless you’re in the hospital or dead I can’t do much for ya. Have a nice day.” My mother, who had tagged along for moral support, was incredulous. I was not surprised in the least. No one wants to get involved in domestic issues, especially in a small town. My lawyer’s advice? Best thing to do was go ahead and take another beating to prove that he was still a physical threat. Ummm yeah I am not going to spend the rest of my life getting beat up once a year for a piece of paper that no one is going to enforce anyway. The judge in family court had been trying desperately to get him unsupervised visits with my daughter right up until the day he went to jail for beating up his most recent girlfriend. Also, in the state I live in they do not take spousal abuse into account when deciding custody and visitation issues. Gotta love the courts! But irregardless of all of this, I appreciate your encouraging words and I plan on staying out of harms way in order to continue my path in the right direction. I have spent the last five years building an amazing support system of friends and family and I will not let this ‘man’ hold my daughter or I back from succeeding in life. Thank you for letting me vent more or less anonymously 😉
Heather
LikeLike
Dear Heather,
Wow, that was all I could say for a bit. To say you are a survivor is an understatement. To beable to be so honest and share as you have with us here is amazing. I am sure that sometimes it feels like it happened all yesterday and sometimes ages ago. The fact that he is still in your life make is impossible to move on, especially since he is threatening you. You are doing all the right things. You can’t stop living but always be on guard. You will have PTSD for who knows how long, but just take a day at a time like you are, this can’t and must not define the rest of your life. I pray you renew a restraining order year after year for your protection.
I am so happy to hear that you are getting your life back together. There will be hard days, horrible days, wanting to give up days, good days, great days. amazing days and then some. One at a time, we must make the most of it. Living how you did helps you to live each moment. Your daughter is what will get you through all of this, that beautiful smile does it every time. She will always know a strong mother. She is a true miracle with all that you went through.
I truly thank you for writing here today, you will inspire many with your sheer strength and determination to have more. I hope to hear from you again, the best part of all this is when I hear from women every now and then that have been writing here for a year or more to see how far they have come. God bless you and your baby.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was in an abusive relationship for a few years with my now ex-husband. Everything was pretty normal until I got pregnant with my daughter. I came home early from work one day and caught him cheating on me. He ended up beating me for getting mad at him! I was pregnant so I did not fight back, I curled up in a ball and covered my stomach. I hadn’t realized until that point that he had completely alienated me from my friends and family. I had no one to call, no one to sympathize with, and no one to comfort me. So I accepted the only comfort offered to me…his. I was too embarrassed to contact anyone I used to know and besides he said it would not happen again. Unfortunately this was not the case. It became the textbook pattern of domestic violence; he would beat me incessantly, then beg for forgiveness, comfort me in my time of despair, and promise it would not happen again. When I went into premature labor from an incident of abuse, he made me drive myself to the hospital. When I got home the abuse continued. He punched me in the face while I was feeding my newborn daughter, broke my ribs, and eventually tried to shoot me with a rifle while my daughter laid two feet away sleeping. She was four months old. I packed everything I could and moved to an apartment in the next county over. I took a job dancing at a strip club just to afford the bills and rent. My ex husband found me and would break into my apartment and beat and rape me on a regular basis. He never did more than three months in jail for any of this. His preacher saw him beat me until I bled from my ears, nose, and mouth…Preacher said that I needed to forgive him!!!! (I do not go to church anymore because of that). I eventually broke the lease on my apartment and began moving my daughter and I from town to town and even state to state. In one year I lived in MD, WV, FL, AZ, and NC. I eventually felt like I had the strength to face him. I came home and filed for divorce, I moved back in with my mother, enrolled in college, and now manage a neurologist office.My ex-husband still calls and follows me. He eventually found a new girlfriend, and went to jail for nine months for abusing her. He has been out of jail for five weeks and has called my phone twice a day since he got out. I am terrified but I know I have to be strong for my daughter’s well-being. My daughter is almost six years old and is absolutely the most intelligent, beautiful, and well mannered child I could have imagined. I do not often share my past with people because most do not understand if they have not lived it. I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and my therapist once told me “You are no longer a VICTIM of domestic violence. You are strong. You escaped. And now, you are a SURVIVOR of domestic violence.” I much prefer to think of myself as survivor than a victim. Surviving makes me feel empowered!
LikeLike
Dear Cheyenne,
It was so great to hear from you. Your friend is lucky to have you. I am so sorry for all that you have been through, heartbreaking to lose anyone like that. You rock, you will change the world and others lives with the things that you are doing. Please reach out if we can do anthing to support you. This have become a great supportive group of really strong woman.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi,
I just found this website looking for slogans for a campaign I’m running in my community. 3 years ago a friend of mine was killed by her ex boyfriend because she was pregnant with their child. He beat her and strangled her and buried her, literally, in his back yard. We searched for her for over 3 months. She went missing january 22nd 2008, she was found April 25th, 2008. I spent my 22nd birthday standing at my friend’s grave, so angry I cud barely cry for her. I think about her and her son everyday. She was 4 months pregnant when he killed her. He was found guilty of 2nd degree murder, but has not been sentenced yet. Recently another friend of mine was killed by her boyfriend. The messed up thing is, the police and the coroner are the reason he’s not being charged. The coroner says she died of heart failure and choked on her vomit because she was drinking, yet she was covered in bruises and her face was broken….the police did not conduct an investigation, and once her belongings were picked up from her apartment her cousins found his clothes and hers covered in blood and vomit….still no investigation from police and the coroner refuses to change his findings. These women are the reason that I am running this campaign…I have pictures of girls from my community with slogans on their pictures, and SPEAK written across their mouths. I want women in our community to know that they are not alone and that they have people out there that will support them and that they need to find the strength within themselves to SPEAK. I myself have been through an abusive relationship and it took a very long time for me to find the strength to speak, but there are so many other women out there that are not speaking, they are making excuses and they are feeling alone and helpless and if i can help one girl escape the fate that my friends shared, I feel that this campaign will have done it’s just. Your stories are all so inspiring and I find it so beautiful that you were all able to find that strength and speak out.
LikeLike
Kirsty,
Please, never think that how you are thinking isn’t as important as someone else or is dumb. It is important to you as you are clearly suffering. You are sabotagizing your happiness. Many of us do that. I had a hard time realizing that a man really loved me for me. Times we would argue over every day things, I would wait for the bomb to drop, it never did, even arguing he was very respectful.
Cut yourself some slack, it is understandable how you feel, you are afraid to get too close, you don’t want to be hurt. I suggest that you continue to get counceling, learn ways to trust again. It will take time but if I can do it you can too.
Be strong, be happy, you deserve it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hello Alicia,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Yes, they will help in a shelter, call the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thier main site for help at http://www.thehotline.org/
He will not change, they very rarely do. You must find a way to leave, for the sake of your soul and your sons. You deserve more.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Can someone be so cruel as to beat you to the ground, pound the love out of you, and just when you think that everything is great that he has changed; the mental and emotional abuse start; what more does he want from me? I need to get out, but have no where to go; my son is 17 will they still help me at a shelter? Please HELP ME!!!!!!
LikeLike
Hi,
This is going to sound really stupid in comparsion to the other problems but I was in an abusive relationship two years ago. It wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the other girls ^ because it was just emotional. He came close to hitting my face a few times, but never had the guts because he knew how protective my family and friends are.
I don’t really want to talk about what all went on because to this day it puts me in a really gloomy mood. I’m usually a fun, outgoing, sweet girl but ever since this, I’ve had trouble opening up to anyone. When somebody likes me, I back away (even when a crush of 2 years liked me) and make up excuses as to why I can’t like them. I’ll tell myself they’re not cute, not sweet, etc and run away. It’s like now I can never tell what my real feelings are and fear I’ll never get close to anyone again or have a meaningful relationship.
I’m 21 and I know that’s still fairly young. This year I traveled abroad and met a great guy. He treats me like a princess and for once, I feel safe and happy. I don’t have to worry about anything, yet at times I do. Sometimes I go through stages ( a few days-week at a time) where I get symptoms of depression ( I was diagnosed with that after my relationship with the abuser as well as OCD) and can’t eat, can’t sleep, etc and tell myself I don’t like him either. It works for a while until I see him again and realize how much I care. I just hate that I go through these periods of doubting how I feel and pulling away, I’ll even try and thnk about other guys to stop thinking about him.
How do I get through this?
Sorry if it’s dumb
Thanks for any advice 🙂
LikeLike
Hello Neave,
That was beautiful, thank you for sharing it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
while u let him take your spirit you’ll have no spirit left to fight with,while you let him take your voice you’ll never speak out for you and your children while you allow him to take total control you control nothing.
Remind your self of the women you are the mother you are and beautiful spirit you are.
Let that sprite make you start to take control find your voice and say enough is enough find your strength and walk boldly into your new further.
Were your voice is heard and respected were your spirit is free and without care were you control your future for the better. Be the women you was born to be loved respected and valued.
LikeLike
Dearest Ettienne,
It was so great to hear from you. I am so happy to hear that you are doing well, you sound strong. I am sorry that you had to change your life due to him stalking ou but that is best. I am so proud of all that you are doing to better yourself, you are in inspiration to others. You were so right in making this decision.\
Keep in touch, you are worth all the best that is in store for you in life.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Khadra,
Thank you for reaching out, I know that was hard. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. If you can stay where you are do. Men that do this rarely stop, you need to be here for your son. I understand, I wanted to take my life many times but the thought of leaving my son with him for a father was too much for me. You can do this on your own, you don’t need a man. Don’t think that you child needs a father, no father like that is needed. If you return to him he will hurt you again, this is a promise. You may never beable to get you. Don’t stay like I did, you don’t want you baby to grow up seeing daddy beat mommy, he will suffer with PTSD and someway may try to take his life like my son did at only ten years old.
I pray that I will hear back from you that you have decided to leave him. Break off as much contact as you can. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am happy that you have family that can be there for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Sarah,
I applaud you for all that you have done, leaving is hard and getting your life back on track certainly isn’t easy. Don’t beat yourself up for falling into the memories of what happened. You get to decide what you focus on and your mind has started to play the same old records. You can control what you think of. Brutal honesty here, you are the one that is deciding to slip back and think of the past, just decide not to. Sounds too simple but it really isn’t. You asked is it normal, yes. Sometimes you doubt you strength. Ten years later I still have nightmares once in a blue moon and wake up screaming. Then I realize the man next to me is awesome and I fall back to sleep.
To cope find ways, for me I did a lot of reading, listening to tapes. Have things in place, tools that you know without a doubt will change your focus, that is key. For me way back it was a tape from Riverdance. I had been to see it and it really inspired me. When I felt down and unmotivated I would pop it in and within mintues I had such energy and focus. I am one of those people that believes you change our life by changing your focus. My God, look at all that you have done in your life to move on. Pat yourself on the back lady.
Cut yourself some slack, just don’t stay here too long. Find the tools to bring you back to what is important. Let me know how I can help you on this journey.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Jeannie,
I understand your reference to feeling like you are in a war. I was never in way yet suffered from PTSD, that is what soldiers return home with after war. Living in fear of what will happen next, will he hit me? Unless you are in abuse you don’t understand that the abuse is not all physical, it is living with all of the what ifs.
It is okay to feel sorry for yourself, we all do it. The trick is to pick up and refocus after the pity party. I had found that after a pity party and a really good cry I was better able to get back on track. We are human, not machines. The self doubt that you live with is common. When you are constantly told you are worthless and treated that way it is inevitable.
I pray that your one day comes soon. Focus on that, find little way to get towards that goal. Your life could be so different from what it is now. It is possible to be happy and get regain what he has slowly taken from you. You are worth it, he just doesn’t see it. You show others how to treat you and by staying, he knows he can continue to abuse you.
Be safe, let me know how we can support you here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Anonymous,
That was such a heart breaking post, my heart and prayers go out to you. I think going to your guidance councelor is a great idea, if they don’t help reach out to any adjult that you can, call the police. They can remove him to give you and your mother time to decide what to do next. I know this sounds stupid to say, but after watching what my son went through in the aftermath please get help for yourself, counceling, support, you can move past this once you are out. You are strong just by reaching out.
Let us know how we can support you here. You are in my prayers. Be safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I watch my father beat my mother. I watch him everyday and everyday I get that much closer to beating him back. He does horrible things, everyday. He takes my painkillers that I need or I can’t so much as move, he takes my money if I leave it beside my bed. He takes everything and he always blames another.
In the morning I’m going to my guidance counselor for help.
“Don’t let violence rule over your home, if you do you will never attain happiness” – Scarlette Beatty
LikeLike
why do I stay? idk. When I first met him, I felt for the first time cared for, I never had the attention from anyone like he did, not from my mother or anyone. Then I wasnt allowed to have friends, not allowed to like my family.
I remember the first time when I was beatened up by him and thought he hitted me cause he loves me. I ranaway from home very young, I got tired of being beatened up by my brother. Do I sound like I am making excuses?
Life isnt easy. There were times I was so afraid I was going to be killed by being beatened up, most of the time it was like being in the war, althought I have never been in the war, it was like running away from bombs being aired and exploding and you were running for your life, and all that time you wanted someone to come to you and help you except most of the time there was no one to help you.
There were times I ranaway from him, went to another community, some of his family told me to go back for the sake of marriage, or called me a slut/whore, one of his councin took my collar and told me to go back. I always went back, and most of my life I felt obligated believing I owe him and his family for taking me in when I ranaway from home. And then another reason was no is available houses to move into, no highway to relocate, to move.
There was a time I felt sorry for myself alot of times. There has to be something wrong with me, I doubt alot, self doubt. He doesnt beat me up anymore. There were times I wanted to end my life and I tried, never succeeded and here I am I want to grow old, not just grow old.
One day I want to leave and be at peace with myself, him and everything.
Jeannie
LikeLike
I was a victim of domestic violence for almost 10 years. i got out about 6 years ago and started a new life for myself and my daughter, i moved on i started again, went back to school got quailfied …life was good. Recently, and i dont know why, i have fallen back into a hole. my state of mind has gone back to the mess i was in when i left and i dont know how to cope or where to turn, its like the last 6 years have never happened. Is this normal? Do other survivors out there go thru this as well?
LikeLike
I was involved in a car accident recently. My husband had been mentally and psychologically abusing me for awhile. We were arguing and he was putting me down, he kept saying how I embarrass him when we go out and I make myself look stupid. He doesn’t appreciate me at all. I work full-time, care for our 10 month old son and am finishing up my last semester in college. But he doesn’t see any of that as hard work, its not like his 5pm-2am shift he works everyday. While we were arguing in the car I was screaming at him to pull over but he wouldn’t, I don’t know what came over me but I grabbed the wheel and we hit another car. The next thing I’m feeling is the fist of my husband hitting me over and over and over again on the side of my face. I begged him to stop but he kept hitting me. I get out of the car and walk away bleeding from my mouth and face. The next day I came to pick up my baby from my parents and when they saw my face, I told them I was in a car accident, and that was all. I went to the hospital and I told them the same thing. A few days went by and my husband came to my parents house he came into my room and broke down crying he said that he didn’t know what came over him. I cried with him told him that I forgive him. He left and only communicates with me through text messaging. He does not want to see me until my face heals. I don’t know what to do. I love him, but what he did is not okay. No one knows but us. I feel like taking my life some nights. My baby boy is what keeps me alive and going.
LikeLike
Bad things are always going to happen in life. People will hurt you. But you can’t use that as an excuse to hurt someone back.
LikeLike
Update: Had to switch to a different congregation because my abuser was stalking me from across the street when I would go to Bible meetings. I’ve reported the violation of the protective order, however, I don’t know what’s up with the District Attorneys office. I’ve been wanting to follow up more closely but I’ve been really busy. I’ve been taking educational courses on the topic of domestic violence, in a setting that’s almost like a support group. Therapy has helped a lot but I see this healing process will take a long time, but at least I’m going in the right direction. Anything I have to deal with now (even the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is better than what I had to deal with when I was with him. Things are starting to make a lil more sense. Each day I feel more secure knowing that leaving was the right decision evenn though I care about him.
LikeLike
Hello Paula,
I am so sorry to hear about your friend, it is heartbreaking to watch a loved one suffer when we can’t make the decisions for them. I wanted to encourage you to check out the following resource to help those to help a loved one being abused…http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/helping-a-friend/
She is lucky to have you as a friend.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hello Ettienne,
I think of you often, you are such a great support here. I am well, busy but great. I am so thankful for all that I have in my life. I hope that you are doing well too. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Sorry, I said Family twice in my message at the end of my story. I wanted to say family and friends.
LikeLike
I have been reading the stories on this site and find them very moving. I pray for all of you out there who are in an abusive relationship and for the ones who have been able to get out and move on to a better tomorrow.
I have not been in an abusive relationship myself, but I am a dear friend who is watching one of my closest childhood friend stay in a very abusive relationship. I would like to ask for some ideas of how I can help her? I talk but she is very good at putting up a wall and shooting out reasons of why she stays and how things will get better, and she tells me that she knows she is in a bad relationship, but she wants to help him and be there for him. There is not enough time for me to go on with all the stuff she blocks me with.
The relationship is currently mostly verbal, but he just got out of jail for serving time for beating her up. She was living with me and her and the kids were doing so well, and then here he comes with his sweet talk about loving her, knowing he needs help and he is going to get it, and that he misses her and the kids….blah blah blah. The cycle just started all over again. Now he is just verbal, I think he doesn’t have the balls currently to get physical because he would go to jail for a lot longer this time.
Today, she told me that he made the comment or statement to her, “If I disappeared today, you would be the only one that would look for me.” Why do they play that GAME?? Feel sorry for me, I need you. I wonder whos fault that is if no one would look for you??? Could it be that you are big JERK???? I fight on a daily basis to stay in her life. He hates all her family members and he hates me and my husband. Can we say ISOLATE????
I feel so helpless and lost. I guess, one message that I want to have come from this story is this…………….
“It is not just you that falls victim to the abuse……Your kids, your family, and your family all are there too.”
so, I guess I take my previous statement back, I have been the victim of abuse. I am the victim of abuse from my best friend/sisters boyfriend……………………
Thanks for your time guys. Take care and God bless.
LikeLike
Amanda B., you can email me if you need to ask anyone else. My email is vettiennef@yahoo.com
Rebecca, I’ve missed talking to you. I hope all is well with you.
LikeLike
Dear Amanda,
Feel free to contact me directly at the-laststraw@rebeccaburns.com. I would be happy to answer any questions that you may have. You can use certain items from the site with permission, just let me know what in case credits are due. I am happy to hear this site has brought awareness.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I am researching Battered Women, for an essay, my question I chose is “What goes on in the mind of a victum, before, during, and after the attack?” This site has been an amazing insight and would be so thrilled if you would allow me to use bits and pieces of your stories and maybe even get in contact so i can get more details.
If i am able to get in contact you can remain anonymous if perfered, i will not contact you after i get my information if you want, i would just appreicate the help.
You women sound amazing and i hope i can be as stong as you women in life in general. Im so amazed by the strength you had to take control and leave. I fear that id be too fearful to leave. Stay strong, i wish you all the best!
-Amanda
LikeLike
Hello Lisa,
Great that you found us, nice to hear what you are doing. I loved your quote at the end. I agree, it is society’s problem, together we must address it. Let me know if we can ever do anything for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Send the link for your site, will post it here
LikeLike
I happened upon your site looking for motivational quotes for my site ‘Still Standing’ which is made up of both female & male survivors of all types of domestic violence. Amazingly I found you and your website… i am amazed and genuinely astonished by some of the stories here. Harley’s quote ~“We were VICTIMS by FATE … but SURVIVORS by CHOICE!”
is so amazing I am going to go on a hunt to find the owner OR just put Anonymous ~ because we are putting together t-shirts for the walk-runs this year, the bikers against violence, and Arts for Peace… Wear your purple proud.. I have not only left my batterer but I have also dedicated my life to helping my fellow Sisters get on the road of healing as well as educating the mass’ that Domestic Violence is as much society’s problem as it is an individual family issue.. Take care of your neighbor… it takes a village to raise a village~!
God Bless you All~!
Lisa~!
LikeLike
Hello Ashley,
Wow, that has to have been one of the worst stories I have read here. I am amazed to hear you at the end with such hope and happiness. You are to be applauded. Your story shoes others that they can do it, they can get out, considering the abuse has not escalated to where you were. Your baby and new love are lucky to have you. I have to say that your post brought me to tears, grateful that you have gotten out. You can’t live in fear, you are an incredibly strong woman.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
i was in a abusive relationship for five years. i got with him when i was 17 he was 27. It was fine for a week or two. He always wanted to know where i was. And who i was with.it drove me crazy. so i broke up with him. Then one day he seen me driving so he drove me off the road. and pulled me out of the car. and beat the crap out of me then he raped me. i became pregnant. i didnt belive in abortions or nothing like that. so he told me that he would kill my baby and me if i didnt move in with him. i told him no that i wanted to stay with my family he seen me outside. one day he draged me from my parents house and took me out of state he would rape and beat me every night. i couldnt stand to sit or sleep because i hurt so much. so he left one day i escaped got on a bus and went back home. that following day that i got home. i had my baby he was so beautiful i couldnt give him up after i held me. we went to the cops but they didnt do anything. three weeks later he came looking for me he broke into my parents house and took my son. he called me and said that he well throw my baby over the bridge if i didnt come back to him. so he made me move into his parents house i didnt get to see my family or friends for three years. i was looked in a room all that time only could come out to eat once a day and use the bathroom with them watching. i could only take a bath once every three weeks. they would make me sleep with other men that hurt me the most because they were allowed to beat me and do whatever they wanted.so one day me and my boyfriend at the time got into a huge fight i had a hiddend cell phone i called my sister with her on the phone she heard everything and called the cops they were there within 2 min they seen him beating me and arrested him this was in aug 14 2010 i put a restrainging order on him he still follows me and threats my family and me will spin out my yard tells me he well kill me if he sees me but i try not to let that bother me im in a happy realtionship now i love the guy im with he is sweet and he takes care of me and my son thats four years old
LikeLike
Hello Shannon,
Wow, that was a lot to take in, thank you for sharing it with me. I so wish you peace, there is so much going on for you. It stuck with me when you said, who would want a 25 year old with kids and herpes. Herpes is something you have, not who you are. I know a dear friend that felt the same way, she had one child, out of a bad marriage and thought, great, who will want me with herpes. Her now wonderful husband fell in love with her.
You are never to blame for his behavior, only yours. You decide what you will do, think, be. Staying so that children have a father is the last thing that we should be doing. Many stay for this reason, I did too, it was the wrong decision.
You know in your heart what you want to do, no one can make that decision for you. Don’t make the decision based on others, you are the only one that knows how things really are. You are strong in your faith and that will get your through so much.
Hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
One thing I forgot to say was that my grandparents put down lots of money half of what our house cost us and he will not leave..I’ve asked him to several times but I know he never will the only choice I have is to leave and I feel bad because of what my grandparents did not for me or him but for our children. That’s alot of the reason as to why I stay. Even if I leave and the state were to give us the house in a divorce, he would demolish it before we even got moved back in.
LikeLike
Hi, I’ve been reading all of these comments for hours now and i don’t see myself like hardly anyone that has posted on this website. My situation seems to be a bit different than most. He was 19 and I was 16 yrs old when we started dating and I’m now 25 yrs old and have been married for 7 yrs. I have two children a son almost 4 and a daughter who just turned 2. I grew up in church all my life with parents who have been married for almost 27years and grandparents with over 50 yrs under their belts. Divorce is wrong, it’s a sin against God…but then others say God doesn’t want one of His children going through this. I’ve left numerous times but always came back with him begging and me hoping he would change..and feeling guilty that I didn’t try hard enough. I’m not scared of him and don’t walk on eggshells…when he degrades me or talks down to me I get loud and push his buttons till he explodes…holes in the walls broken doors/no doors, bruises, headaches, bright lights. DV is a neverending cycle. There are so many different occurences I can think of: choked me while I was driving and blacked out, when he was on drugs, he tied me to a tree…about 6 weeks after my daughter was born I finally had enough and called the cops after he choked me while I was holding our 18 month old son. I called my parents who were at my brothers powerlifting meet and they headed my way…After the cops showed up, they asked if I wanted to press charges…my dad told me I should so I did…Child endangerment and assault is what he was charged with. We had a 90 day emergency protectice order. During this time, I found out I had herpes, which I did not have 10 months prior because they tested me for STD’s becuase I was pregnant and I had not cheated on him. Within the second month of this protective order…I came home from work one day and found him lying on my couch. He said he couldn’t afford to drive back and forth from his dad’s house to work who lives like an hour away and he didnt feel good. He said he was going to stay till he found something around this area. He never left…Everyone including my parents still say I had a chance to call the cops but didnt…I just couldn’t bring myself to do it..He wasn’t being violent and I felt I was keeping his kids from him. That December was his court date. 1yr of probation 25 hrs of community srvc and angermanagemnet course (dvd) and a fine…The person who filled out his communithy service didn’t make him do anything I did his angermanagment course online, and I paid his fine. Because of course this was “my fault”. December 26th he was pulled over and got a DWI…this too was my fault because he and his dad were fighting becuase of what I had done to him by putting him in jail…I used our house payment and bailed him out…This scared him. He started going to church and gave his life to the Lord on January 17th and was baptized January 31st…He and my dad were always talking about God and I for one was angry with God…I had hate in my heart towards my husband…I felt as though I was pressured to all of a sudden forget everything that had happened and move past it while I felt he was fake. A few months later my dad left on a mission trip to Cuba, and by the time he got back 2wks later…Dillion was headed back down the same old road, and I can’t help but feel that I’m part of the reason why…he once asked me to get my Bible and do devotions with him and I literally laughed in his face. I genuinely think he was really trying to change. We eventually came right back where we started from. I felt sorry for him becuase he had a really messed up life growing up. Seeing domestic violence…his psycho mother choosing her many men over her own son. He was an outcast and I thought I would save him from his horrible life and show him how great life is. I now know I can’t save him, but now we have two beautiful children and feel guilty everytime I leave with them especially when they ask for him. So many people ask is it better to come from a broken or live in one. I’ve prayed many nights/days for God to take him or me from this earth cause it would much easier…but what I really wish is that he would find someone else so the decision wouldn’t be on me…later asking if I had stayed would it have gotten better or did I make the best decision for my children, or if I wouldn’ve jsut gave him respect and kept my mouth shut when I saw he was aggrevated would we still be…I don’t want to be the one asking these questions. I honestly don’t know what to do…I know my children don’t need to see this stuff going on or hear the mean comments or yelling, but they need their daddy too. The physical pain doesnt really hurt anymore. I’m not my skinny good looking girl anymore. Really!?! who’s gonna want a divorced 25yr old with 2 young children with a case of herpes. Maybe one day he will change is what I keep telling myself…or maybe one day I will change and things will get better…I would love some advice…have talked to my parents but they don’t undertand and others judge or tell me to read a book that will help…God changes men through the woman…I don’t know…PLEASE HELP!!!
LikeLike
Hello Veronica,
Thank you for posting. I am glad to hear that you are free. No matter what, it is not worth it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Nicole,
You are not alone, I am so sorry for all the pain that you are going through, we think when we finally get out that life will be great, but we hit a bottom that we never dreamed off, as I often say, I was suddenly alone with my thoughts and I kept playing the same record. Your comment made me think of something I posted the other day, click here to read it… https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2011/01/30/the-fear-of-solitude-being-alone-during-and-after-domestic-violence/ The fear of Solitude – being alone during and after domestic violence It won’t solve your issues but will remind you that what you are going through is normal and I believe a process to get to the other side. The comments after the post will help you to relate to others.
In regards to what others say, who cares? Really, who is with you late at night when you wake with terrors? You. It only matter what you think about yourself. You decide what to focus on, you decide where to place your energy.
I recently added a new tab to the main page of this site, it contains music that has inspired me along the way, I hope it will be of some help to you https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/inspirational-music/
Telling your story is important, it is part of the healing process. Many start blogs here to help other, I encourage you to start one on a pad of paper, you never have to show it to anyone, it helps. Day by day you will look back and see how far you have come. I also encourage you to start a gratitude journal, you can get a free guide by clicking here https://thelaststraw.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/gratitude_journal_free.pdf being grateful for what you have today brings more into your life.
Keep in touch and let us know how we can be there for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Wow. I cannot believe I came across this site. It is amazing and I thank you for creating it. I passed the link to Blog Site along to someone that used to be my best friend. In fact we were SOUL SISTERS. Not anymore. My situation is EXACTLY as “Annie” has described above in her comment. No physical abuse that I know of, for sure, except for one fight that got very out of hand several months ago. I am so concerned for my friend. I am worried sick. She was recently cut off from her family, due to the abuser husband and now her friends as well. She promised she would never let him come between us, but he finally got her in a very vulnerable position and he did it. He made her cut off all communication with me and my husband (who loves her and her children as much as I do, and would do anything in the world for her) and I have been severely depressed and just physically sick, ever since. Thank you so much for this site, maybe I can find the tools I need, here, to figure out what I can do. I have tried to put her out of my mind. It’s not working. I am worried sick.
I was just going comment to tell Annie, above, that I know how she feels. I am right there with her.
The saddest part is that my friend, who I was closer to that any other girl-friend, ever, in my life, cannot see the forest for the trees. She feels stuck. I know that she is AFRAID of him. EVERYONE is afraid of this “ticking time bomb”. And let me not forget the children…my God, they see this and will grow up thinking that it is OK to be with a man just like him. Oh my heart breaks.
I know why she stays, but I wish I could help her. I know I cannot. My heart breaks.
Thanks for letting me get this out. I am trying to let go, but it is not getting any easier. (I am in tears now).
God Bless You, all of you.
LikeLike
I was in an abusive relationship for many years. I understand how the pain you feel when you are away from him is greatet than when he hits you. But it gets better day by day and the pain you feel does not kill you. I am able to look back now and realize the time that I lost to someone that was not worth it We are in the United States that is a blessing in itself.
LikeLike
I was with my husband for 6 yrs. We moved to his home town Oregon really soon because he had 2 kids there and im from Florida so i was super far away from everyone and everything i knew. Ee started off cutting himself when he’d get upset and then the abuse turned to me. he would threaten to kill me choked me regularly. He held his loaded gun to my head saying he was to kill me and i still stayed. I was the only one working and cleaning and paying the bills and trying to go to school at night. The first time he punched me in my face i thought i he was going to kill me he is bipolar and would just look completely blank. He knocked me to the floor and kicked me broke a chair and held it above me. Even after this i stayed with him i told my boss and covered up the marks and stayed home to hide it. The last time he punched me repeatedly in my face i had found out he was cheating on me and thank god i made it out of the situation. He only stayed in jail for 2 or 3 weeks. But i immediately packed my car and moved back home. I dont know if i was hoping he was going to get better or that i could help him. I just cant seem to move on and let it go. And my friends and family just cant seem to understand why i stayed and i just dont have an answer other then fear and what i thought was love. retelling the story is always hard just reliving it all and then remembering things i locked away. ive never been in this situation before and even now that im free and happier im still keeping my anger and depression locked up inside. I feel alone in it all
LikeLike
Dear TJH,
Thank you for writing, I am so glad to hear that this site has helped you see the light, that is the goal. I hope the stories let you know that once you are hit the chance is more likely that it will happen again if you stay, espcially since you have put up with verbal abuse. Get out now, you are young and smart and don’t deserve this. Don’t hide this from your family, you need their support to get past this and they sound like they will and will want to be there for you.
I know you love him, but you must love yourself first. You are right, you have no right to stay, leave now. Please let us know how you are doing, this will encourage others to leave at the first signs of abuse.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Reading the stories of these strong, wonderful women has made me realize so much. I’ve been married for four months now and two weeks ago, in the heat of an argument my husband grabbed me off the floor, threw me onto the bed and proceeded to choke me. I remember just being in a daze as he screamed and spit into my face. When he let me go and left the condo, my initial feeling wasn’t anger or even shock…
He had always been verbally abusive, deeply so. But I always thought I could handle it, i grew up in a very loving reaffirming household with a father I adore and a mother that is my best friend, so his attempts to ruin my self esteem never worked, and i always thought it was more about his insecurities that anything else. I think i had always known that he had it in him to be abusive just by the nature of his verbal abuse but I didn’t actually think it would happen.
What I’m going through right now doesn’t even compare to the struggles I have read, this gives me some strength but that doesn’t make my situation any less hurtful. I’m focusing now on keeping it from my parents until the filing for my green card goes through. I live in our home like a zombie and I hate him more each day I see him. I never thought I would be that woman, but I am. I walk on eggshells each day and I try my best to be a ghost. I’m standing alone for the first time in my life and it’s painful and empowering at the same time.
I have never loved anyone like I’ve loved him. He was my best friend, I believed he was my soul mate and our relationship truly looked on the outside like a fairytale. I still love him but i know i must leave him. When i see the way my father treats my mother and the way he treated me, I know i have absolutely no right to stay in this kind of relationship. My father would be so disappointed if he knew what Shane has done and moreover that I’ve chosen to push through for immigration reasons. The thought of it kills me more than living with him. I grow more resolute each day and I’m even more thankful for sites like these and for the love i consistently get to feel from my parents and friends, despite my husband.
LikeLike
To leave a direct comment for Rocamosa click here Leave a comment for Rocamosa
Dear Rocamosa,
Such a beautiful name you have, since you listed it I will leave in your name. I was so happy to see that you reached out for support. First rule on this blog, judgment free zone. We understand all the reasons why others decide to stay because we have all made those same decisions at one time or another, so let that worry go. We are here to support you at no matter what stage of abuse you are at. We would all prefer to be cheering you on as you are off on your own living the life you want, but you will get there. I know you want more, I can here it.
Your story is heartbreaking, yes I know you cheated and the guilt must be horrible, but you will live with that, this is no way makes you deserve the abuse. What would you tell a dear friend to do? You would tell her she deserves more and to get out now. Don’t let him sabatage you another day, you don’t deserve it.
I would and did prefer to be a single mom than to live and die more another day in front of my son. I understand that you are embarrased, I was there too, the hardest person to forgive with all that happened was me, the lady in the mirror. Finally, one day you will look in that mirror and see that you are here for more than this.
Remember, most times verbal abuse leads to physical. We teach others how to treat us, if you continue to stay, he will take that as his ability to treat you even worse, although verbal abuse stays with you longer than physical abuse for it is harder to forget.
You said something that saddened me to the end of my soul, perhaps one day staying will be that much worse, I’ll wait. What is it that you are waiting for? Your children to bury you. To be physically hurt? I urge you to sit and write, it would do you well. Even though no one will ever read it, even if you chose to write here where it will support others, can help to clear the fog in your head. I often said I was so close to things that it was hard to see a way out.
I am here for you as well as the other readers. I have set up a stand alone post string for you. It is easier for you directly to get the support you need. Your post can get lost in the location it is now and I don’t want to see that happen. I want you to know that you are never alone, we have walked in your shoes and want to help you walk those shoes out the door into a better life.
Keep in touch, you are worth more than this, your children too.
Readers, help me to support this woman dealing with so much pain. This blog is for this reason, lets show what this amazing group of ladies can do to support one another, or what is the point of all that we went through.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I´ve read almost everything on the website. On those who´ve left and those who are still chained. I´m chained and embarrassed by it. I´ll say what it is, after 12 years of marriage, I cheated on him. I don´t want to use the abuse as an excuse. I found a time of peace. I should have looked for God or therapy. I didn´t. That has made the abuse escalate to degrees I never imagined could. All verbal. He said I was a bad person and he would ´take me to hell and back so I could be reborn into a better person´. Sounds impossible but he did. He broke me down to nothing and redefined me as worthless. I am ultimately feeling worthless because of me. I know that. But he reminds me so often. A lot of you know the phrases, ´I wish you were dead, you should leave this house, I was with the other woman because you made me angry, I don´t know if I want to be with you.. you are so #$%&@ and on and on.´ Sleepless nights of endless sermons and violent whispers like sitting in a waiting room wondering when the next arrow is going to carve through your soul. I´ve finally decided after 4 years of escalated abuse to call home. To call mom. I’ve lived in Mexico since I got married leaving my family behind in the US. Don´t have friends, he sabotaged the two times I´ve tried going to therapy and well, I´m chained and ashamed of it. I´m not afraid to be a single mom… I´m afraid, I think of living without his approval. I know what you´re all thinking but… I haven´t seen the light. I apologize to all you strong women who´ve gotten out because this here is a weak link. Perhaps one day staying will be that much worse. I´ll wait.
Rocamosa
LikeLike
Dear Shawn,
Thank you so much for posting. Many men are afraid to admit abuse, for as you stated, you thought it was your fault. No one should be abuseive for any reason. I commend you for leaving for the sake of your children, I know that was very hard to do. You feel like you have given up. I hope that you confidence will grow more each day. You will mourn the loss of your marriage and all you had hoped it would be.
I would like to recommend some sites for you, GlennSacks.com
http://mencanbeabusedtoo.wordpress.com/my-story-part-1/
These sites are from men that have walked in your shoes, they will be able to offer you support. Let me know what we can do here to help you too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Strange thing is she TELLS me that I want her back.
Why in the world would I want her back when I know what kind of person she is?!
wev’e been divorced 3yrs
LikeLike
My ex-wife is abusive. I quess it was hard for me to leave because I always felt I was to blame for everything that made her angry. I had no confidence in myself.
I wanted our son to have a family but not like ours.
she still is abusive although not physically-she’s very difficult to deal with.
LikeLike
Dear Debbie,
You made my heart sing to hear how much this site helped you when you needed us. That is the whole reason for this blog, to be there when someone really needs to hear that she is not alone. You don’t deserve any of this. Urges usually last less than five minutes, so when you have the urge to call him do something for five minutes to change your focus, take a walk, take a bath, a nap is good. Try to find something positive to focus on. Maybe you can finally breath, maybe you are not as scared….find something for as hard as it is not to call him, think of how much worse it will be if you let him back into your life, most abusers are more angry when you let them back in.
Let us know how we can support you and your family. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hearts2Heal,
Of course, I just joined. I have tweeted and will add a new blog post to generate traffic. Melissa actually sent a post to my blog recently. My concern is that you must add an address, can you put in a default/fake address? I am concerned many that would support her are not safe enough to leave an address.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Please take a moment to sign this petition and help a fellow victim / innocent mother.
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/help-keep-an-innocent-momvictim-free/
LikeLike
It’s been 13 days since the Police took my beloved husband away. My adult daughter called them, after he punched me, and held me by my hair and slammed his fists into my face and head. Before that he was verbally abusive in front of my younger daughters. Luckily they had left the building when it happened. But I am here tonight to get the support i need not to call him. I miss him so, he was my best friend, we had such plans for the future, he could be so sweet. His bail conditions prevent him from contacting me, so I must not contact him, but when i read your stories, I know the truth is it would be so wrong for so many reasons. Tankyou so much for your honesty and sharing. You helped me very much.
LikeLike
Dear Hearts2Heal,
Thank you, I just checked out your site and applaud you for all that you are doing. I think when we grow and give back from what we have been through we bring strength to others, that is the only reason I can justify what happened to me, helping other. I encourage others to visit your site at http://www.hearts2heal.com.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I too am a survivor of domestic violence. My children and I went through hell in nearly a decade of abuse. I started this website for other victims and survivors to get help and advice for abusive relationships. There is a wonderful forum too where you can talk to others in the same situation.
http://www.Hearts2Heal.com
Please check it out and join the forum.
Your voice could be all it takes to help someone in need!
LikeLike
Dear Darlene,
Thank you for sharing. Tell us, what is the abuse wheel?
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Why i stayed, everyone here knows why. Maybe not specifics but that inner turmoil and strife. We all share that.
Why i left? He was doing the same to the kids. I wanted to be able to hold my son on my lap when he cried, so i left while they were young.
The most powerful thing that gave me strength to leave? The abuse wheel. When i saw my life there, on that paper…i cried. for the first time really saw what i had become.
LikeLike
Dear Jessica,
Wow, couldn’t have said that better. You covered so much in one post. Thank you for taking the time to share so much. You will encourage many, I am so proud of you for being so strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear A Soy,
I completely agree. The world is changing, we must make things right, this is no way for anyone to live.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
to laila, i read your posts and i see myself years ago. i thought at one point that he loved me deeply and maybe he did who knows, but i can stand here, free from my abuser and with a new man who is the complete opposite and i can say that love doesnt hurt. love is not an everyday heartache and struggle. love doesnt make you sit at home while he goes out when and where he pleases and then when u hear him coming in the door you barely breathe because u dont know what mood he is in. love doesnt terrorize you or intimidate you, it doesnt smash only your treasured things (never his!), it doesnt lie, cheat or steal, love doesnt put bruises on you, it doesnt slam u up against a wall or do worse. thats not love.
real, healthy love is supportive of whatever it is that makes u happy, real love is independence doing your own thing and not having to answer to him of where your going who your with when u will be home and a million texts to accompany that. real love thinks of things that will make u happy and then works to make those things happen, even if its not something he likes. real love is calm and makes u feel proud to call your man yours.
i thought mine was just angry too, and yes he is a super angry person with big issues. but realize: he has no right to take his issues and anger out on you. there is NO excuse whatsoever.
i called the womens hotlines, went to shelters, left a few times but i always went back. and then one day he honestly tried to kill me. he strangled me unconscious while i was driving with our two little girls in the vehicle, both watching the whole thing. i nearly died and my girls couldve too if i had crashed the van. our relationship did not start out like this of course, but what rebecca writes is true. a man will treat u how you allow yourself to be treated, he will test u to see what u will take. first he may call u a name, or not show up when he says he will. and u excuse it thinking its not a big deal and it may not be, but then it slowly gets worse, he steals your money or squeezes your arm a little too hard and again, you take it. eventually it becomes something big like mine did, and u may die. no man is worth dying over for what u think is real love. dont make the mistake of dismissing things that bother you, dont pretend things never happened like i did. see the abuse for what it is. your life may literally depend on it. good luck laila.
LikeLike
Dear Laila,
I hope that you can be safe in the hands of him. Most women aren’t. But since you have wished to stay in this situation, i can only wish you safety. I do hope you are safe, even if i may not know you, but you should really try to see things clear. If someone harms you, the first can be a mistake. But if it continues, then it isn’t. Don’t Ever let anyone pull you down. You have to find the strainght inside you in order to stand up. You alone will not be able to get up right away, but if you are to have help, then you will be walking tall pretty soon all by yourself.
someone once said, think of the hours he has made you happy, but think of the years he has made you suffer. Take care.
LikeLike
I would like to post a comment:
Domestic violence affects the whole family. I am a grandmother and my daughter endured 25 years of being battered, physically, emotionally, and mentally. She finally left. However, it came with a cost as her abuser told her that “she would be sorry if she left,” as he has alienated the five children from her. I think much needs to be done in our justice system concerning this issue. It is hard for her as she is going through a terrible divorce, going on 6 months. But she is free and building a new life.
LikeLike
Laila, you are not writing too much. I wrote a lot. She even had to make a page for me. And somehow I still ended up writing on this page. I think Rebecca wants us to write frequently if it will help us. Matter of fact, I know she does.
LikeLike
Dear Laila,
Don’t every say you are sorry for writing here, that is the entire point of this blog, so that no man or woman ever feels alone. Many hear have written for weeks to find comfort and strength. We are here for you so write. We may not always say what you want but we will be honest. I pray that he does change so that you can have the life you deserve. Read empowering books, journal and do what makes you happy, keep a life outside of him. Read other posts here, they may help you. Keep in touch.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
thank you both so much for taking the time to contribute. i am in a bad place at the moment i feel so selfish writing on here a lot but i dont no where to turn to, i sometimes ring the womans aid helpline when my boyfriend goes out but i dont want them to realise its me that keeps ringing. im lucky because he lets me have a life but he says he is going to change and im believing him because i think he has finally realised hes been abusing me but im going to have to wait and see. i just wanna talk with someone who understands. its very lonely when u dont know who to turn to. thank u for takin the time to listen
LikeLike
Dear Laila,
Thanks for writing back, you can write anytime here, I do my best to answer every post, sometimes it may take a bit but I respond. I do understand why you stay and don’t judge you for it. You alone decide your destiny, the fact that you sought out this site and support suggests to me that maybe you don’t want to be with him, or I am wrong and you just want support to help you live with how things are. He may not mean to hurt you, but he does. He may not mean to kill you one day, but he might. That is what frightens me. I don’t believe that all abusers are these horrible unfeeling men, but as you said, he is just angry. The ones he loves the most are the ones that will suffer the abuse. I encourage you to talk to him about his getting help, maybe this is something that would work for you. At the least, maybe you can get support, to help you get through things.
I hope to hear from you again soon, stay safe and take care of yourself.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Laila, I know how you feel. But I’ve experienced being abused on a couple of occasions and to this day, I have no idea whatsoever how I upset him to that point. I hadn’t annoyed him, yelled, got sarcastic, got in his face. I was completely innocent on those couple of occasions and I was abused anyways. So there is a possibility that because you allow him to abuse you for things you sadly think are your fault, he may start to abuse you just for the heck of it. Besides annoyances….come on now. Babies crying can be annoying, but does that mean it’s okay to harm them? Hopefully, Rebecca can offer some words of encouragement to you. There’s only so much I can say because occasionally I feel the same way you do.
LikeLike
I really appreciate you taking the time to write back, i dont have people i can talk to about this. i just feel that even if i left i would only end up with a man that would beat me up and be worse, i always forgive people. i am happy with my current partner, as silly as that sounds but he is good to me he always makes sure i have money and he says lovely things to me. its just he is so angry…i dont think he means to hurt me. im happy to hear that you have found happiness after abuse Xxx
LikeLike
Dear Laila,
It broke my heart to read you post. It made me sad to hear that you feel that things are your fault. It is never your fault, if someone lashes out at another, it is that person’s fault, never the person receiving the abuse, verbal or physical.
What happens if you stay? Things normally do get worse as the abuser is seeing just how much you will put up with. Trust me, the longer you stay the harder it is to get out, ask any woman here. Had I left when he first became abusive, he never would have tried to kill me. I wouldn’t have lost so much of myself. So yes, it always gets worse.
As the saying goes, you show others how to treat you by what you allow. The only thing you are guilty of is loving an abuser and thinking that your love will change him. I remember living in a home where I prayed I didn’t annoy him, then one day it didn’t matter, just the site of me was enough to annoy him.
Your self esteem is low or you would not be where you are today, we will do what ever we can to support you. You do not have to live this way, you can be happy alone or with a man like I have now that would never dream of putting fear in my eyes or making me afraid and trust me, I annoy him all the time.
I pray that someday you will not live as you do now. Maybe he will get help and realize that he is abusive, maybe not. Either way, you are the one that must make this decision. If you stay, I understand and pray for your sanity and safety. If you leave, we are here for you.
Thanks for being brave enough to share.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
hi i know your probably busy with replying to other posts, but thank you for all the quotes you have put up. i am still in an abusive relationship, because i am happy with him because he treats me good most of the time. And when he doesn’t its because i have done something wrong. he has never hit me but he has bruised me in other ways, so im counting my blessings. may i just ask, what happens if you stay for a long time in a unhealthy relationship? does it always get worse? or can it be okay as long as you dont annoy him?
LikeLike
Dearest Jessica,
I was so happy to get your post, really. When I hear that this blog has helped a woman not feel so alone and understood it make all the work wothwhile as this is why I do all of this, for the ones that feel as alone as I did so many years ago. You can never really help another know why you stayed and really, must they know? You know and never need to justify it to anyone. All that matters is how you live life know, that you care for yourself and never make light of what happened. Do what you need to to do heal from what has happened. Just don’t make the current man in your life pay for what another did. He is not him. You know why you stayed and that is what matters.
I stayed for ten years, ten years too long. I support women and men and children for I feel that was the reason I went through what I did to help others, it is my mission to let one woman know she is not alone. Keep in touch and let us know how we can support you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I stumbled across this website and i feel like i’ve finally found women who understand what i went through for 6 1/2 years. my new (amazing!) boyfriend cannot begin to understand why i stayed so incredibly long in such a violent, abusive and dangerous relationship. somedays i don’t understand myself. but i read through the posts from other women and i almost want to copy and paste and say to him and others “THESE are the reasons why i stayed” because it makes so much sense when i read everyone’s reasons. you are all so brave and strong.
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
Thanks for sharing this, is it all too true for many of us. Even if you are never hit but are tortured no one can see it. You smile and pretend that life is great when inside you are dead. With just one look he can make you fear him. Just the smell of vodka to this day brings me back there. I thank you for sharing all that you did today and always. You are helping us to all see what happens in the aftermath.
God bless,
Rebecca xoxo
LikeLike
To: Not Saying,
you wrote, “or he’d be smart enough not to hit me where anyone could see.”
I didn’t even realize that my husband was doing that until after I left. It’s like he made sure that only the police would know. The messed up part is when you’re severely abused with no marks and he’s marked up from you defending your life. I had that happen and how humiliating it is. This dude making himself look like the victim because he knew how to choke me without leaving marks. Meanwhile, I had to scratch him to make sure I didn’t allow myself to die. Cold, cold, situation. It makes me sick every time I think about it. It also makes it a lil easier to stay away.
People have no idea that I was abused for so long cuz I never had marks in my face, never had to miss a day of school nor a bible meeting, so nobody would’ve known. They probably think “we never saw you with a black eye”. Sometimes I wish he wouldve messed up my face. that wouldve been better than suffering and nobody knowing. And it would’ve gave me the courage to leave sooner. But I think God didn’t want me to sin against him. I think if I would’ve had visible marks in my face like many women have had, I would’ve went so off on him I would’ve done something that I would’ve regretted. I was already mad lookin in the mirror at my back, but my face…that would’ve angered me sooooo much. My bad, y’all I had to vent.
LikeLike
Dear Not Saying,
Thank you for taking the courage to write. I know you blame yourself and I would love to say don’t. It took me longer to forgive myself than it did to forgive him. No, it is not wrong to miss him, most miss the abuser. You don’t miss the abuse, you miss what you had wished the relationship was. You will always miss that. You will feel you wasted the time you were with him. Don’t blame yourself for the isolation, this is what an abuser is skilled at doing, it happens so slowly you don’t see it at the time. I encourage you to read the posts here as they will support you. Most address the issues you are dealing with. Just type in a keyword on the main page.
Let us know how we can support you. You will make it, get counseling if you can, read about healing and find support. Talking and writing is the best way to get through this. You will come out stronger on the other end.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dearest Ettienne,
You know that you have a special place in my heart since you have been writing here since day one. I saw that you joined my site at http://www.rebeccaburns.com, thanks. I was happy to get your post, you must always come first for you won’t for him. I sincerely hope he gets his act together, but you can’t hope for that, you can only take care of yourself. It has been over ten years for me and he still comes in my thoughts…. it is okay that you love and care about the person that abused you, that is what makes you human, the thing is to love and care for you more. Keep in touch, you give strength to many by being honest. Always be honest here no matter what, you will never be judged for you have had enough of that already.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Angela,
I am so proud of you, receiving an email like yours encourages women more than you could ever now. We all find the courage for one reason or another and that is when we leave. The fear will always be there if you stay of leave, at least in leaving you get to live. Knowing that you will never allow this back in your life is important. I am so happy for you and your children, you are a role model for them. Keep in touch, share with other women how you found that courage to leave and how you keep from allowing him back in.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Penny,
Thanks for your kind words. Of course, feel free to link to the site or a specific post. We need to support each other. I checked out your site and it is great. I applaud you for all that you do. I will review your book and write a review here for you. I am finishing up a book and would love to maybe either interview you for it or use an excerpt of our book in it. Please email me at the-laststraw@rebeccaburns.com to discuss this further. I loved the cover of your book took, very visual.
I wish you all the best in life. You are in inspiration to others.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
I encourage you to visit my site at http://www.rebeccaburns.com, I am moving this blog there and offer additional resources for life in general and working online. Tons of free and low cost resources.
LikeLike
Dear Marie Claire,
Thanks so much for writing, I know it was hard to share such private things, things we are told to never talk about. I applaud you for leaving, many don’t. I encourage you to read this email daily, it will remind you why you left and help you to never return. Can he change, maybe, should you risk finding out now, no. Your number 1 priority must be you and your children, you are their protector. I suffered more guilt for leaving my son with this man than any abuse I suffered. the damage on the children is long term. My son was 4 and at 20 still suffers with PTSD. Your children and you have a chance at a better life, grab it. Stick to the restraining order, see if you need one for your son or a mediator. Let the court know that you fear for your child and document everything.
I encourage you and your son get into counseling now, it will change your future so much. Let you son talk and always be an ear for him no matter what. A single mother and son become close. I know my son longed for his father but he preferred to feel safe in his own home.
I really hope we hear from you again and I feel comforted to know that this blog has helped you in any way, that was always my goal. Be well and write again soon, you have no idea how many you encourage with your strength and openness.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca xx
LikeLike
Hi, I just found this site, and I am so grateful for the encouragment I’ve gained from the above posts! I’ve read every one already. I need some help interpreting what I’m going throu…
The abuse I’ve suffered over the last 11 years by my husband has been more subtle than some women have experienced, so I’ve made excuses for it many times. This summer, however has been the worst yet and I have to make a change, but I’m scared to do so. I don’t want to make a mistake… but I know I can’t live like this any longer. I’ve always thought, “he’s just upset,” or “he doesn’t know how to talk/communicate ’cause he came from an alcoholic family.”
In my case, I’m punished/abandoned for wanting to talk, understand him, or for just no reason that I can see. We were married in 1999 and one night, he became enrage at me and charged at me to scare me, so I would be quiet. In, 2003, he left me in Vegas with family on vacation for hours with no idea where he was or why he was so mad. I cried the whole night, not understanding what had happened. On my 27th birthday he refused to speak to me and went to bed without explanation- I was heartbroken. That same Christmas, he left a family party at my mom’s house in anger, never really explaining why? In, 2004, he was angry that I wanted to talk and he threw me down on the bed, holding my wrists, yelling at me. (I did not call the police that first time). After this incident, I fell into a 14 month depression because I blamed myself. I went back to our marriage and he attended a dv group for some help at my request. In 2007, I thought he had improved, so we started our family and things seemed ok for a while.
This spring, he began getting angry more often, drinking and staying out late. He said he was just stressed from work. For a year, we planned our next baby and I announced I was pregnant on our 11th anniversary, this May. He seemed very happy until about 2 weeks later….he didn’t want to tell family and friends about the baby. On July 3rd, he got drunk , while I watched our son, and refused to speak to me until he was ready to leave MY friend’s party that evening. He often gives me evil stares, and won’t speak– like I’ve done something terribly wrong??? On July 31st, we were on vacation and he was distant, constantly on his cell phone, acting strange and angry…I read some directions wrong and he told me to shut up and refused to talk to me, or pull the car over. I didn’t protest, since my son was in the car with us- once we arrived, he kept saying he was going to leave and we had just gotten there!? The next evening he refused to speak to me or my family about what was wrong (yelled and cursed at them for getting involved) and left me and my son and drove himself 300 miles home. He did not show up at home for 3 days. He only text a message to say he was “fine.” He finally called saying “can I come home so we can fix this?” None of “this” made any sense to me! He came home at 9pm and said he wanted to talk about it all but not that night, HE hadn’t slept in 3 days?? I told him to sleep in the basement because he was scaring me… I can downstairs later and he was sleeping on the living room couch. We began to talk and when he got angry again I pulled his blanket back and told him he had to leave ’cause he wasn’t calm enough to be home with us yet. When I mentioned “people only trying to help him” he jumped up off the couch, pushed me across the room to another couch, pinning me down, and held his hand across my face. pushing down both sides of my jaw over and over again, yelling “Is that what you think? Is that what you think people are doing!!” I began apologizing, scared for myself and my 3 month pregnant belly and somehow he got off of me. I ran upstairs where my son was sleeping and called the police. He minimized the abuse and said he was sorry, but that I shouldn’t have provoked him! In the days following he closed our bank accounts, turned off our home phone, took me off the credit card, blamed my family for his leaving our vacation, told me he wanted a separation… he says he didn’t think the pregnancy would happen and after much denial, admitted to an affair when I was 3 months along. He finally told me about the affair when I was 5 months along, after I asked AGAIN for the truth. I have a court order of protection right now until March. He already wants back in the house and is making visitations with my so difficult. He has shown so much agression in front of my son and made his cry 3 times already. My son is three next week and of course enjoys seeing his dad- I just can’t let him get hurt or think this behavior is ok. Divorce is not what I ever wanted yet the idea of him back in the house is very upsetting. Now he wants to “work things out” and is acting so nice… I don’t trust it. He was enraged three days of the last 5 visitations and had a hickie (he’s 35) on his neck– which he denied right as I stared at it. He took our son to an inappropriate eatery to watch a sports event and when my son got upset at the crowds cheering, my husband brought him home and had to leave quick cause his TAB was open at the pub! What’s a little kid to think? That he caused daddy to leave… I don’t know if I can be with him after all this and an affair, even if he says he’s gotten help! Thank you for reading all of this…
LikeLike
Hi, You have a beautifully supportive blog here. I would like to send a link to your blog from my blog. Would that be okay? If not I understand and will respect that. Thanks! Penny
LikeLike
I was in a very abusive relationship, was married to my abuser, for over 3 years. After several broken bones and almost losing my leg because of this man, I got the nerve to leave. It took 3 long years of mental and physical pain for me to get the guts to go, but I did it. Its been a year this Halloween that I left, and I have never looked back. To this day, he still tries to contact me…”hes sorry and would never do it again.” Im not that fragile and helpless woman anymore! I would never go back…and now I know the signs to look for so I never make that mistake again. Why did I finally go? I have 2 beautiful daughters, thank God he is not their Father, who needed me to LIVE! They are the main reason I left…I AM THE OTHER REASON! No one deserves to be belittled and beat down like an animal…now I know that too!
LikeLike
domestic violence is when your heart is torn into pieces by whom you trust more than your own life. he cuts every part of your senses with his sharp words and slap on your face in return of your love, care, trust,support and everything you do for him.
LikeLike
You’re right. I need to heal. Even if it was possible to help him, how could I if he’s messed me up. I’ve been the type of person to let things go. But now seeing that I haven’t been able to let go of the past, I know he has had a huge impact on my life. Why go back before I address the issues he’s brought about. I thought the emotional rollercoaster would stop but like you say, there’s the aftermath.
LikeLike
It’s been almost 6 months since I walked out.. But only 5 or less since all connections have been broken off.
I think, Right now.. Its the hardest its been.
It hurts to know that the one person you truly did love, could hurt you like that.
I was with my abusier for almost two years. it honestly hurt so much to walk away. what seems to hurt more then being abused.
Not only was I mentally abused I was physically abused as well. I always though “i would never” but, there i was.
Inlove with someone who didnt love me. But, he clamied he did and of course i wouldnt think otherwise.
I used to make up excuses for bruises… or he’d be smart enough not to hit me where anyone could see.
He took me away from my friends annd slowly my family.
I let him Isolate me, I let myself be a victim.
I honeslty blame myself for everything.
and moving on is the hardest thing im trying to do.
I miss him, and Is that wrong?
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
It was nice to hear from you. I don’t judge you ever, I want you to be safe and happy. You are the one living your life, not me, not our family. I hope that you will not rush into anything. I hope that you will take the time to heal and really decide what you want. Not what he wants. People change, for his sake I hope that he changes, but don’t do it for him for you feel sad, do it for you because you are ready. Take all the time that you need Eittienne, I have heard you come so far in the few months we have written.
Be in touch, never worry about being honest, other women feel the same way and are ashamed to say what you have. Be honest for that is the only way to be.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear TC,
Wow, you have been through so much. I am amazed that you have made it through all that you have. I have such respect for all that you have done to get your life together. Your children have been through hell and back. I commend you for giving back like you have, you are doing so much to help others, it helps you.
My heart broke to hear of the suffering of your little boys, now men. I watch my twenty year old son now and still see the aftermath of the abuse, the PTSD just stays with them.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing as much as you have, you will inspire many here to break the cycle of violence in their lives.
I hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Rebecca, I shouldn’t post this on here, but I have no way to write to you personally. So what I wanted to tell you is: you know how I was so affected by this that I could not see myself ever going back to him, well now it doesn’t seem so impossible to me. It seems like something that I could imagine doing in time, definitely not soon since I know it’s gon take much more than 7 months to change him. Yet, I don’t necessarily wanna hear all the “NO DON’T YOU DARE GO BACK TO THAT JERK!” That’s what my family would say. I know he’s been horrible and I see how better life is without him, I just hope that the changes I’m hearing about are real. God will reveal to me what I should do in time. It makes no sense for me even to be writing this right now, cuz I know it’s way too soon to even consider. If he can seriously change for the better (while we are apart for a long time) I would want a future with him. Rebecca, you can delete this if you’d like. I just had to let someone know how I’m feeling.
LikeLike
Dear Jessica,
Thank you so much for posting. You will empower many. I hate all that you and your girls have been through but it is nice to get a post where someone is on the other side, free and happy. You are such a role model for many, especially your little girls. We have to set the example of what is acceptable to them. Take care and make sure that you all take the necessary steps to heal during the aftermath of the abuse. Stay in touch and let us know how we can help you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Rheena,
You must focus on yourself, then you won’t feel so alone. Many woman stay for fear of being alone. Time alone will actually do you some good. It will help you to heal so that you can attract a man that actually deserves you. People that you think don’t know, already do. We think we are hiding things but we are not. It hurts so bad when someone we love crosses that line and hurts us like that. It is something you never get over.
Never be afraid to ask for help, talk, it really helps. Get counseling, focus on what you always wanted to do in life, dream again. let us know how we can help you, you are snot alone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Anonymous post left 2010/10/01 at 6:32 pm,
Your email broke my heart as I try to imagine my child’s teachers. I too would wonder if those at work knew that I had been terrorized all night and barely slept all night. I promise you this, last night won’t be the last. There will be many more nights to regret. We are so strong that we are so sure we can change things, make him stop. The hardest and most liberating thing for me to get was that I couldn’t change anyone but myself. Love alone is not enough.
I talk to lots of woman who say the same things you are saying. You will leave, hopefully someday soon. Don’t wait until the damage is worse. Let me know if you need anything. Thank you for what your sister wrote, it was intense.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I just recently got out of a domestic relationship…i was with him for 3 years,and everything went down hill to the point i was scared to leave not because of the abuse but the fear of being alone.i quess i just wanted someone to tell me they loved me.my parents & friends never liked him,my parents even kicked me out when they found out i was pregnant….the worst choice in my eyes was choosing to have an abortion but i knew i had to…since he cheated on me and got my enemy pregnant and i was still in college…i wanted to finish…the beatings started after 1 year of dating…i dont know if it was because he became super comfortable or what? no matter how hard i fought back i never went “all out’ and plus i use to box.he beat me 4 days ago and im all bruised up…my family has no idea and i couldnt even call the authorities b/c then my family would find out. my guy friends want to kill him but id rather let go and let God.i need help im soo depressed and alone….someone i knew and loved turned on me…i wouldve never thought he’d treat me so.he literally kicked my head and punched my head in my car…and left me there…idk how i got home.i pray everyday that i heal and that i can get over this..i just need help and people to speak to me who understands.
LikeLike
Hi, I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years, the first 3 were emotional abuse, the other 3 were physical. It was horrible, I was scared to go home. I was scared to speak my mind. I overdose myself to get his attention, but it was not worth it, I almost died because of him. God made me strong and thanks to him Im not dead my girls are ok, because he would also hit me when I was pregnant. Its not easy to leave its not easy to make that decision and specially its not easy not go back. But after all of that. I finally got the strength to leave him with my 3 little girls. I now see how it affected my little ones, they didn’t deserved to see all of that, but now we are abuse free. It still hurts, I still remember those days but I know that with time I’m going to heal and it wont hurt anymore. I do know that I would NEVER settle for less than what I deserved. Its hard to be a single mom, but I know it would have been harder for them to grow up without one. or worse for them to fall in my footsteps. I am proud to say I survived I am free and I am happy! 🙂
LikeLike
I am a survivor. Many left my side during the 12 yrs I – and my children – experienced constant daily abuse. Those that stayed said it might have been easier on them to have turned their backs. I thank them for being there for my children, most of all.
My ‘last’ move out came January 30, 1997 – MY Independence Day and I celebrate it every year by doing something for me that I wouldn’t normally do. The first few months, I could not believe the stress I was under. Sometimes, looking back, the terror I felt was more extreme than actually living with my abuser. I always was waiting for the next shoe to drop while living with him, but this was worse. It was knowing he was going to snap, and that when he did, it was going to be worse than anything I ever experienced. The ‘torture’ that came was in the form of a child custody battle and it lasted for 5 years. I refused to give up. The court appointed psychs found in the childrens favor eventually that this person will NOT change and it was NOT in their best interests to be around them, so the GAL removed him and than finally, the judge ordered it, telling him he to have no contact with any of the boys until they reached the age of 18, and that he personally did not see them ever wanting contact with him. He told him to take a good deep look inside and try to find out what he was missing out on. Instead, he took a job working where I worked, and I was too emotionally damaged to deal with him again on a day to day basis, so my boss layed me off. I since learned that he took up with a than 19 yr old girl (he was already 42) working there and they now have 2 boys and a daughter. Maybe his having a daughter helped him to see what he couldnt before: women are to be cherished and loved, and hopefully his daughter never meets anyone like him.
My 3 sons are all scarred in various ways by the experience, and I pray to God nightly to make sure they never EVER raise a hand to their children or their partners.
My oldest has now made me a grammy to 2 beautiful boys, that I am VERY lucky to be able to stay home and take care of because when I left the abuser, the house I rented was occupied by a man who fell in love with me, and asked me to take another chance on a man, and love, and we’ve been married now for 12 years. Because of him, I am able to help my son and daughter in law, but most of all, get to be here for these boys and I feel very blessed.
My second oldest – one who experienced the abuse first hand more than his siblings and tried to take his life several times over the thought of having to ever be alone with the bio father – has now graduated high school (a year late due to all the FORCED visitation DURING school hours, which caused him to be held back) and is in college pursuing his dreams. Sometimes he stumbles deeply into depression again, but I watch for the signs and we all just try to encourage him as much as possible.
My youngest – who was considered the ‘golden child’ because the bio father spoiled him, but really, he paid a deeper price since the siblings grew to see him as an extension of their bio father and didn’t like him and it still continues a deep seated issue today – is also graduating high school a year late due to the same craptastic forced visitations but he really buckled down so he only needed 2 credits (all senior year stuff) and he will be graduating in January (officially, but done after exams in November) and looking forward to entering college. His issues are still of not being able to talk to people. He suffers horribly from social anxiety because of the therapist ‘court appointed’ and she ‘told him what to say, feel, etc’ so he learned to just not talk – sad how the minds play us in life.
For awhile after leaving the abuser, I volunteered in our local courthouse helping other abuse victims in obtaining their restraining orders, and was working towards becoming a victim advocate, so I could sit in the court room with them as that was a very tough time to be alone, facing the abuser. I had a rough time with those that came in to ‘play the system’ for custody issues, and ‘saying’ that a father was abusive, when he really wasn’t. I lost it on one woman who asked me what the best thing to say on the paper was so she could make the sucker pay for cheating on her. I wished she could have been brought up on charges, since technically she was swearing on oath ‘these things DID happen’ and they never did. She – and others like her – make it harder for those of us that have sat through TRO’ hearings only to have the commish deny it. Than go home and get beaten. Again.
For now, I have gone through massage therapy school, am licensed and I volunteer my time at two local shelters, and I like working with the children the best, because I know they try to hide their true feelings and they internalize their fears, so I try to teach the moms how to massage these little people so their bodies can relax and therefore, their minds relax. It also reinforces that mom CAN nurture and their children will respond.
I do clothing drives and infant drives so that the shelters can spend their resources on other areas, or be able to give items to women trying to set up a new home. It’s my way of saying: I ‘know’ the pain, and I have come through it. You can too.
To those that have gone through it: I love you. To those that are going through it: I love you more. Be strong.
LikeLike
As I set at my desk trying not to move because it hurts to bad, looking out at my students I wonder do they know, do they suspect, probley not. Do my co-workers, probley so. I am not quite ready to leave and give up on our whole lives together. Even though realisticly I know that it is very unhealthy. As I read the other posts and think about the fight that my husband and I got into last night I wonder will it be the last What will happen before I can get everything in order for my kids and I to leave. I have started to gather small bits of different things and have put some money away. I just would like to say that I have made the desicion to leave but I guess don’t quite have the guts to. My “sister” helped to wake me from my own living nightmare with this:
Have you ever looked into his eyes so blue
And see the hatred waiting there for you.
Every time the front door slams
You begin to realize his words are just scams.
With every push, every shove
How does that in any way show love?
You try to do it right, you try to be good
But every time he says you’ve misunderstood.
You try to cover every spot, every bruise
But your life has become a ruse.
One last fight and then your done
Your looking for your midnight sun.
You finally realize they were his mistakes
As your standing at Heaven’s gates.
I guess that sometimes saying it out loud, or in this case writing it, makes a difference in it. And setting some goal is better than nothing so I am giving myself 1 month to finish.
Maybe then I will be able to say good-bye and finally start living again.
LikeLike
Elissa, Elizabeth, all of you on here, try to keep your head up. I don’t know how I can say that when I’m the one that needs to be reminded. But I know its not easy, I know the type of feelings you may have. Try to get out the situation if you’re still in it. And if you’re out like I am, try to find peace of mind. Alot of it will come, just by not having to deal with an abusive fool. But still some worries. I have a restraining order and still worry cuz he knows where i live. But everything will be okay for me, for all of you, if you do what you know you’re supposed to do. Love yall.
LikeLike
Dear Elissa,
I am so sorry to have taken so long to write back to you. My heart broke to read your post today. I understand the night terrors, my son had them for over ten years. I am so sad to hear of all that you and your family are going through because of this man. It is horrible how another can steal your soul and your life. I can’t even imagine how you are going to school, let alone function. I was so happy to hear that this site in any way helped you today.
Even after getting free from the abuser, it can take years, for some a lifetime to heal. I pray it doesn’t take you your life. You are so young and I will think of you often. Hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dearest Ettienne,
You never can ask too many questions. I would suggest as long you feel necessary that you do have a safety plan. Especially with the things you have said recently, you sound like you should have one. The safety word too. You are the one that is struggling with wondering will he come after you. Just that gut thought is enough for you to put safety first. I would not be alone with him and would do what makes you feel safe.
Always keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dearest Elizabeth,
This is a 100% judgment free zone, I promise. I will give advice but completely understand why you are where you are. I will tell you one thing, you don’t cause abuse from another person. It is up to that person if they are going to hurt you. You teach others how to treat you, that is just the truth. If you stay you teach him it is all right to treat you how he does. You are so young yet have lived through what many adults never do. I encourage you to leave as soon as you can. You can change the rest of your life by the next decision you make. Stay and you end up like your mom and will bring kids into it too. You leave know and never allow yourself anywhere near abuse again. You have a great life and become a strong woman. I know you can be the strong woman that leaves.
Vent whenever you need to here. Let us know how we can help you. If you can leave, do it as soon as possible before things are completely out of your control. You are in our thoughts and prayers tonight. You are not alone, people who don’t know you truly care.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca xx
LikeLike
i just need support.. im a young 19 year old going through this.. i dont want to go through what my mom went through with my father.. but im already allowing it.. tonight .. my shirt was torn from him grabbing me and ripping it.. i hate that i am so scared.. i love him .. but i need to find the strength to get up and leave……. hehurts me then tells me he loves me… i dont want to go throught his anymore….i feel like i cause this to happen though (just thought id vent.. im scared to talk to anyone else… i dont want to be judged.)
LikeLike
Is it always necessary to have a safety plan and code words and all that if the batterer knows where you live? Sorry I ask so many questions.
LikeLike
I am 17 years old, and my mother, and my two siblings lived with my abusive father for a substantial time, my parents were together for 16 years and they were married for a little over 10 years.
I haven’t lived with him in over 4 years and I still have night terrors…
I still love my father and yet I struggle to not hate and fear him. For outstanding reasons he is being summons to a F.B.I. court date soon and in trying to be a true christian…I can’t help but fight myself for wishing ill on him, hoping he is charged and locked away until I am 30 years old.
Because for the last five years my mother , and my siblings and I have struggled. Going into a homeless shelter then a battered women shelter for over a year, acting happy and healthy upfront but dying from the inside out. I thought I had finally started to heal last year, but the impending court procedures have my stomach in knots and my fear, loathing, and disgust in full drive. I am sitting in school today using the school internet to try and look up abuse quotes, just so I don’t break down in my credit recovery class…
And this site at least made me smile, and I coped a few and I think I will print a couple and take them with me…I won’t be getting home until late today, and I know thinking that there are supporters out there and others have made it…..That I should give hope into the system is having it easier to breathe and lifts some of the weight of worry from my shaking shoulders.
Thank you for posting these, I don’t know if you ever might understand how helpful this is to people like me…I escaped, but I still have an open soul wound……………………..
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
So sorry that you have to deal with all of this. You know what is best for you. You may feel safe but always watch your back. Report everytime he breaks the order. One day at a time Ettienne. You have come so far and are a much stronger woman that when we first met.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Thanks for this resource I did a search for Domestic Violence Quotes to help me today express myself with words I could not articulate myself
Additional Quotes I’ve found solace in:
Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed. -G. K. Chesterton
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” -Albert Pine
“Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.” James Anthony Froud
“The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I, or the others crazy?” – Albert Einstein
“The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” – Carl Jung
“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary. The evil it does is permanent.” -Mahatma Ghandi
“The house does not rest on the ground, but upon a woman.” -Mexican proverb
LikeLike
I’ve already reported the calls because he is violating the order. My thoughts on him snapping are: before the 3 yr restraining order is up i think he will snap. However, I don’t know how soon. I don’t feel unsafe at this point. But a crazy person can snap outta nowhere. I called Marjaree Mason to find out how the whole process works and so forth. At this point i have decided that it is unnecessary for me to seek shelter. I say this especially because there are limited rooms. I’m not scared to the point of needing to take up a room that a woman who is in desperate need of escape, might need. So my decision is to hold off on emergency shelter. As you know, I am still legally married to him, but i have no intention of going back to him. I tried explaining to my brother that it is not necessary for me to legally separate and that by taking the initiative on that step, I would feel like I’m in more danger. I don’t mean to lead him on, but if he knew that theres no chance of us reconciling, I would be scared of what he might do. Besides, as a Christian, I kinda frown on the idea of legal separation/divorce even though I have every right to file for one.
LikeLike
Hello Etienne,
It is nice to hear from you, sorry that you need to deal with this issue. My advice would be to do what you feel is right. Your safety is always the number one priority, do you not feel safe? If you have a restraining order and can verify it is him calling this is a violation and should be reported. You are the only one that can decide this as you said, you will hopefully know in your gut. If you do not feel safe, maybe the move is necessary.
I know you love where you are but decide on the overall facts. You left becuase of long term abuse, he most likely wants you back. Men snap, do you think he may? Hopefully he will move one, we can’t know this.
My number one concerns is and always must be your safety, I hear of too many women being hurt and killed when they knew he would come after them, you sound unsure. Go with the gut, it never lies. Let me know what you decide so that I will feel better. I know how much your church means to you, maybe you can talk to them and get added advice, but with that always do what you feel is best.,
I am so proud that you have remained away and are living the life you want, most days.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Rebecca, how do I know whether or not its necessary to try to find shelter at Marjaree Mason. My husband knows where i live. I recently changed my phone number cuz I was getting constant calls round 3 and 4 am. I live with my mother but a couple ppl have said i may need to move. however i don’t want to leave town. im in college and i enjoy the congregation im in at my place of worship (even though my husband moved across the street from it). Should i check out shelter at marjaree mason or should i just continue to reside in my mothers home. I know its my decision and no one else’s. I dont mean what should i do. I’m saying what should i give thought to.
LikeLike
Dearest Anonymous,
It broke my heart to read your story, sincerely. First I am so sorry that you had to abort the baby, you did what you needed to do for you. Yes, you will live with this and rack yourself with guilt if that is what YOU chose to do. We chose what we think about, what others say does not matter, other judgements do not matter, only our own. I would suggest that you get into counceling for all that you have been through, including the abortion. Not so that you can love another man or have another baby, so that you can mourn the loss of this man and this baby. Being whole inside is more important than anything else right now.
You went through hell and back to say the least, it will take a long time to deal with what you went thorugh and are dealing with now. You will never get over it, you will deal with it and move forward. This does not mean that you life is over, this part of it is.
I pray that this man and what he did does not ruin the rest of your life. He had control of you then, you have control over you know. Stand tall and say Fuck you in that court room, don’t back down, he never did.
I pray that you find comfort and hope to hear from you again. You are in my thoughts and I really do understand your not wanting to bring a child in to that space, I had always wished that I left when I was pregnant, if not my now 20 year old son would not still be suffering with PTSD from when he was just 5.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca xoxo
LikeLike
Hi Im 20. I was in a relationship with a 29 year old man who I loved and told me he loved me.
He is now on remand in jail for abh and sexual assualt against me. I will be appearing in crown court in October.
He strangled me, ripped all my clothes off, kept hitting me against the wall, squeezed my stomach which left me bruised. I had a bruised ear from him pulling me back whilst I was tryin to crawl away when he was sexually assaulting me. He told me he was going to bite my nose off. This happend July the 10th and I still have a scar on my middle finger from me putting my hands to my face and in his mouth to get him off my nose. He locked the house, took my keys and broke my phone just after i made a 999 call behind my back whilst he was ontop of me hurting me still, hoping some how they would come and rescue me. I said to him please let me go, I was begging him. He turned round to me and said that I knew he couldn’t let me go. At that point I screamed and cryed thinking he is going to kill me. He has gone this far. He also lives on a farm in the middle of nowhere. I knew no matter how hard I screamed no one was coming to save me. I was in his mercy…
After he sexually assaulted me he calmed down. I went into his bedroom and put on one of his jumpers because otherwise I would just be naked. I kept begging him to let me go I just want to go home and sleep. He just acted as if nothing had happend. He offerd me a drink, which I refused and then offerd to help me up from the floor and to go help find my clothes. The only thing left was my trousers. Everything else he had ripped to shreds off me. He gave me my car keys back and walked me to my car. Which then he said to me before he shut my car door, allowing me to go, “I knew this had to happen and he knew he wasn’t going to see me again”. When I was about to drive away he asked if I couldn’t sleep still, I shook my head to say no and then I drove straight to the police station.
A week before this horrible night, I told this man I loved, I was pregnant, he was so happy. He wanted us to move into this new house he was getting and told me everything would be perfect. I believed him. Then he did this to me. Over literally nothing. I couldn’t understand how he could do this to me especially whilst Im only a few weeks pregnant with his child that he wanted us to have and was so happy about.
I never thought I was in a violent relationship, my family and friends begged me not to be with him but I wouldn’t listen. I never thought he was capable of hurting me. He takes drugs and drinks every day. I would go into the other room at the end of the night so he wouldn’t argue with me. I would always be careful what I said because most of the time it was wrong! I would blame myself when he got angry and dragged me out of bed before thinking it was my fault for winding him up. When he would do anything to stop me talking to my friends on the phone, I thought it was cute, not controlling. When I would go out and he would beg me not to, I again thought it was cute, not controlling. He cheated on me all the time. He knew i knew yet I allowed it. Which made me obviously have such a low self-esteem of myself, I use to look in the mirror thinking how ugly I am. I would rather be with him then without him though. Every time he did something to me like pouring vodka over my head, the next day he would pretend it hadnt happend and make a joke out of it. I would go along with it, the next two week he would be an angel. Then something would happen again. The thing is when he did something good that a normal lad would do like pay for a meal if he did it, I felt like he was paying to take me away in a private jet to Paris just for a meal!!
I still believe now the most nicest thing a man can say to you is they want you to have their child, he told me all the time. We was trying for half a year. I use to get so upset thinking I couldn’t have children.
When I was 3 weeks pregnant, which I obviously didnt kno at the time. Someone rang me in the morning. He broke my phone and hit the battery from inside at my neck, I instantly fell back onto the bed and had a mark on my neck all day. I refused then to go back to him. I use to blame his anger on drugs. It was the morning. He was sober and still did this to me. I had enough! I cryed on my 20th birthday just days later that I loved him so much but I knew I couldn’t go back to him. I really ment it this time. Then a week later I realised I was pregnant and that was when he promised me the world, so I went back. . . You dont think he would ever hurt you whilst your pregnant with his child!
Last week I had an abortion. I never wanted to have an abortion. He contacted me whilst he was remanded in jail through his family. He told me he still loved me and wanted to marry me. He sent me letters saying he was off the drugs and has changed. Once I told him I was thinking of having an abortion he then offered me 3,000 pounds towards the baby and also to live in his new house rent free. Every time his sister told me this she would then drop in that I can drop the sexual assault charge and then he could be out by the time baby is here. I didnt want to drop and charge. I knew what he did was wrong. I soon realised I was being bribed. He hasnt changed. He hasnt even still now said sorry. Its always just about him and how he’s feeling. My family would of had nothing to do with me if I kept the baby and my friends would soon go the second he got his claws back into me when he came out. He still called me his girlfriend after what happend and I knew he would assume this the second he came out. Even though I kept telling him if I had our child I wouldn’t get back with him. This man only hears what he wants to. I knew myself I would never get another boyfriend or move on if I did keep the baby. I would forever be his. He would make sure of it.
I cry every day for the decision of having an abortion. I feel I have let my child down. I didnt do enough to try and keep him or her in the world. This man will be out of jail in probably 4 years most. I will have to live with the decision of getting rid of our child because of standing up to him finally, for the rest of my life. Their is no justice for me no amtter how many years he gets in jail. Every year I will think what my baby could have looked like. The worst thing now is I cant change my decision. I cant go back and be pregnant again. I do blame myself. Plus hate it when people tell me Im young and will find another man and have a lovely baby. I DIDNT WANT ANOTHER MAN! I dont want another lovely baby! I wanted that man and my baby we planned! I dont understand how they think that saying helps?!
Then I go on sites like this and realise he would have never changed and that hope that he would is not worth the risk of my child ever hearing their mother go through that abuse again. I know that the abuse only gets worse and would of if I allowed him into mine and my child’s life. He went from chucking a phone battery and me to sexual assault in less then a month. I also know prison shouldnt be the reason for him to change. Me telling him Im pregnant with his child should of made him stop taking drugs and not have such a temper and “change”.
I just wanted to share my story and say thank you for the quote I found about why I stayed in this relationship so long.
” They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave when the fear of staying is greater then the fear of leaving”
Atleast in October when I go to crown court I can stand their with my head held high, whilst the man I loved stairs at me and watches me walk away from the stand with a smile on my face that I will then be finally free of him and he cant control me anymore. Im more stronger then he ever thought I could be and Im most proud of that. Anyone else who stands up to their abusers should be too! 🙂 xx
LikeLike
If any of you live in California can you tell me whats up with the judges not ordering that men (or women) be put in batterer intervention programs unless they have children?
LikeLike
Dear Yvonne,
Thank you for posting. How can you search for the dream when your soul has been claimed? That was a really good question, you must reclaim your soul. It took a day at a time for him to take your soul and you must take a day at a time to put your soul where it should be. I lost myself and my soul and hopes and dreams too, I have been where you are. I have such a great life now, it took time for me to get well, counceling, journaling, writing and starting this blog and more. I would suggest that you sit with a pad of paper and write down everything that you have ever dreamed of doing in your life until nothing more comes out of your head. Then sit and put a 1 next to everything you want to do in the next year. Then take that new list and begin. Once you start working towards your goals and dreams the rest will fall into place.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
How can you search for the dream when your soul have been claimed?
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
It was nice to hear from you. You are getting stronger every day by what you are saying. The dreams happen, you have not been gone that long and even then, I had nightmares for over ten years myself. I took them for what they were. It took many days for you to feel the way that you do and it will take many more for you to feel well and whole again. You are doing the right thing by reading here to remind you that he won’t change and that you made the right decision. You are a strength for many.
I sincerely wish you all that you dream, you deserve it.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I needed to read Kates post. Although I can’t jump to the conclusion that he will never change, its good to remember that most likely he won’t, even with time. There are other posts on here too that help me to realize that it could have gotten worse had i stayed. Sometimes, you wonder if things could’ve changed had he had one more chance. And who knows maybe he would’ve changed for the better. HOWEVER, there’s also a possibility that I could be dead after giving him one more chance. I thought I wouldn’t need to come on here often, but sadly I need these reminders in order to stop minimizing what he did. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. And im still going thru emotional problems even though life is so much better now. It’s krazy.
LikeLike
Dear Kate,
You said so much, I get to laugh and speak my mind freely without punishment. Freedom without fear is worth the courage to get out. Thank you for posting, words like this encourage women here that just got out and worry that they made the wrong choice and should go back. Thank God for pocket dialing. They never change and I am so very grateful that you made it out alive and that you are doing so well. I encourage you to share more when you can, your story and strength will benefit many here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
It’s been five years since my worst experience in an abusive relationship. I look back at it all and find there were so many red flags that I could have walked away from my ex a long time ago. It would have resulted to not ever having experienced this if I paid attention to those red flags then. Yet, that’s what love does. Sometimes love clouds our judgment when we feel something is and excuse what is wrong. There was one moment where he was so violent that ended up having me leave for good after trying the umpteenth time. I stayed because of fearing he would end my life and the use of manipulation that he was good at. I almost lost my life the last time he hurt me. Thanks to pocket dialing my mom on my cell phone she heard it all and called the police. The police along with my mom showed up and that was the first day of freedom for the rest of my life. I still have flash backs of horrible things he did to me during our relationship. I would not be alive today if I stayed. So, if you are going through it, don’t fear escape. There is much more help for victims today than there was before. Even if you have children, it’s not worth staying. Domestic violence is a never ending cycle no matter how much you are convinced it will change. The only way to break the cycle is to leave. If I can do it, you can too. I’ll tell you, I didn’t think I could. There is so much more years of details I could go on about, but I’m thankful that I am able to sit here to say today that I am a survivor. I get to live free, be me, and enjoy the things I could not before. I get to laugh and speak my mind freely without punishment. Freedom without fear is worth the courage to get out.
LikeLike
Hello Ettienne,
I would suggest checking out the following link, information by state: http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php This link goes to your specific state for restraining orders http://womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?id=10920&state_code=CA
I wish you all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Rebecca. This is Ettienne. I know that restraining orders no doubt vary from state to state. Are you from California. I have a no contact order as you know, but I don’t know how that works with public places. For example, my husband showed up at my place of worship on Sunday. It is a public place and he didn’t harass me. I’m waiting for a phone call from an officer to answer the question, but I’m so concerned that I
LikeLike
Dearest Rhonda,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your friend and her babies of their mother. Some women run and hide and still end up murdered. I can only imagine the fear your friend lived in and the worst fears came true for all of you. I am so heartbroken I don’t know what to say, what can be said? She is gone and you are left with the anger and hurt and children that miss their mother.
Many loved ones sit helpless wondering what to do. My family did too, nothing they said would make me leave until I knew for sure I would die. There was nothing more you could have done so don’t ever waste a minute thinking you could have done something. He was going to find a way to kill her somehow, he was determined.
By sharing your hurt and deep sadness maybe it will give strength to another to finally leave so her family does not have to bury her and raise her children. There are many on the site here now still in the abuse. You can help others by helping yourself and her children. Don’t tell them horrid details but be honest when they ask.
I know it has been 5 years, I pray that you find some peace at the end of this horrible road. I am here if you need me and wish that I had more to offer you and your family, my heart goes out to you.
Google the term family of murder victim for additional resources. I found this one but there are many http://www.webersons.com/ffmv/Default.htm
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hello Tara,
Thank you for updating us, I remember your story. Send the email to the-laststraw@rebeccaburns.com, I will set up a new post just for your story and the video. Showing others that you made it so far will encourage many. As sad as it sounds, seeing how bad others had it helps to encourage you to know you can make it too.
I am so proud of how far you have come and all that you are doing to support others. Keep in touch, talk soon.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Tanya,
Bless little Daniel, that is the sadest of all loss, a child. My heart goes to you and your family.
I am so proud to hear a story of a strong woman that is free. You will encourage many here that are afraid to ever leave. You help prove that you can get away and actually be happy one day. I was so grateful to hear that your 2 boys are alive. I pray that you get the youngest and yourself into some counseling so that this can be behind you. I am so happy to hear you have found love. I never dreamed I would. Remember, not all men are abusers, woman abuse horribly too. It is being strong enough to demand what you want and never allowing your boundaries to be crossed.
Feel free to share when you can, hearing happy stories of moving on after and living a good life are a major encouragement to others.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi, im 20 years old. i have two amazing children.
when the first was born things got nasty.
he started punching the doors and walls. then starting punching me infront of our baby.
when our second came along it got even worse, he would lock me out of the house and try to take my babies away from me for no reason. many times the police were called and they got them back and took him away then he would come back the next day, there was nothing i could do about it either. while i was pregnant with the second one he decided to throught a safety gate at my stomach and screamed i dont want it. so he was trying to kill my unborn baby and this was infront of our first child who was in the corner shakeing with fear. At that point i knew i had to do something, covered in bruises with my first in my arms and blood down my legs (thought id lost my baby) i ran next door who helped me so much. ambulance turned up and took me and my first to the hospital. the police came and arrested him. the courts said there wasnt enough evidence and he got away scott free and goes clubbing in hartlepool every thursday.
Since then i have managed to get myself back on my feet and is now enjoying my life with my two amazing children as i didnt loose my unborn baby 😀 and i can happily say i am marrying the love of my life next week i love her so much i couldnt never trust a man ever again.
I hope others reply to the earlier posts as i have. Its helped me a little to share just a small part of my experience.
All my love goes to Daniel who we sadly lost 10 years ago due to domestic violence, he was 8 months old. R.I.P beautiful little boy me and mummy love u dearly xx
LikeLike
I have posted on here a couple times and I just wanted to keep you updated on all that is going on. Three days ago my abuser was sentenced. He took the plea he was offered, which is 10 years. I showed a slide-show I put together and addressed my abuser on how his actions have effected me. My dad addressed my abuser as well. I am happy that he will be spending time in prison and I feel like I can truly breath for the first time in 7 months. The judge said he was very lucky that he was offered the plea of 10 years because he deserves more time and had it gone to trial he could have received up to 30 years. I would like to send you the video I showed at his sentencing, I just need an email address to send it to you. It is a video basically to raise awareness on domestic violence and hopefully you can post in here as well. We all need to stand together on spreading awareness and do our part in putting an end to the silence so we can stop the violence.
LikeLike
Ramla thanks for the reminder. One more chance could be that one chance that we lose our life. I need to be reminded.
LikeLike
There will never be a rite time this is the rite time to SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLANCE, it might be you last chance to say it cos many have lost there lives. Victims please speak out!!!!
LikeLike
Thank you, all of you, for sharing your stories. I came across this website while searching for quotes on domestic violence to use in my best friend’s memorial. See, I lost my very best friend to domestic violence 5 1/2 years ago. Along with her mother and sister, we are raising her now 8 year old daughter (my god daughter) and her 18 yr old son. I watched my friend live in fear…pursuing restraining orders and moving from one state to another to escape her situation…her husband eventually killed her after holding her hostage in her mother’s home…he shot my friend in the head as she pleaded for her life. I have lived nearly every day of the past 5 1/2 yrs asking what I could have done to save her. She was my friend of 13 yrs, my sister, my confidant and our lives have been shattered. Being on the outside looking in is a very hopeless, helpless feeling. I pray for strength and courage for each of you who are experiencing this turmoil in your lives. Please don’t take your situations lightly…it only escalates over time. Leave, get out, do whatever it takes to survive…don’t ignore the signs or believe the situation will improve…it won’t.
God Bless each and everyone of you.
LikeLike
My Dear Jenn,
Congrats to you. I know the hard part is not even close to over for you. The aftermath can be just as difficult, suddenly you are left alone with all of the pain and not sure what to do with it. It is going to hurt, let youself cry, be angry, have pitty on yourself. Then take a deep breathe, wash your face, get up, think of something that you can do today that you really want to do. What have you always wanted to do in your life, long before he was in your life.
Find ways to fill the voids, read self help, surround yourself with people that support you. You can make it, I promise. I encourage you to get in to counceling, it will make all the difference in the world. If you don’t, you will suffer longer than you need to. Journal, read, write, get out the pain or it will fester.
Let me now how we can support you hear. You are not alone Jenn.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Nicole,
You are a dear friend indeed. It is heartbreaking to know someone you love should leave. The hardest thing for you will be to accept the fact that no matter what, you can not make her leave. She has to want it. If you can always be there for her it helps, she is too afraid to leave. Many abused women, myself included return to our abuser out of some sick dependancy we have on them. We think we do not deserve any better. You do have to step back, this is her choice, let her know you are there for her, don’t demand she leave just be supportive when she does call. You can’t consume yourself with her life if she chooses to stay, you just can’t. Be her friend the best you can. Take care of yourself too as this puts lots of stress on you too.
I found a site for you at http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/helping-a-friend/ I hope that it will be of some help for you. Encourage her to know how much value she is, she is so buried under what is happening, that she can’t even think of leaving.
Let me know what else I can do for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I hope I am doing this right. I have tried almost everything I can think of doing. My best friend is in an abusive relationship. This isnt her first one. The first one she was in I didnt know of any abuse until after she left him and moved out of their apartment. It hurt that she didnt tell me anything because as close as we are she gave no sign. I am glad she was strong enough to leave that relationship, but she was in that one for way to long.
She is with her current boyfriend who is also the Father of her baby. The baby is my Godson. She has caught him cheating on her many times, and I witness verbal abuse from him towards her but it wasnt until just recently I witnessed his physical abuse. I called the cops and he was taken to jail. After he got out she went right back to him.
I know she is probably scared to leave him, she even said she didnt want her son to resent her for not letting him see his Dad. But what kind of example is she setting when she is allowing her son to witness his Father beating his Mother? I dont know what else I can do to let her know this is wrong. I dont want to lose my friendship with her and not be able to see my GodSon anymore if she gets mad at me. Or is this something I have to stay out of? I just dont want anything worse happening to her or her son.
LikeLike
The hard part is not over when you leave, it gets harder, It did for me. I was with my husband since i was 12 years old 22 now. He would emotional abuse me, hit me, choke me, try and rape me. The turning piont for me was that my 1 year old started getting abused by him as well. One morning at 7 am woke up with him on top of me and i finnaly called the police after 10 years of abuse. We got out on feb 23 of this year, i know with all my heart that it was the best choice to make, but now i dont know who i am, what to do alone, how am i going to make it, so many questions im asking myself. in and out of court. trying to forget what happened but have to remember to testify. im trying to reach out and get support but not having much luck. i did this alone. no one knew what was going on behind closed doors. now im more scared than ever because i myself can not face what i went through. the abuse started when i was 13. i stayed because i loved him more than i loved myself, i was scared to be alone, scared of him, did not feel like i deserved any better, he put me down so much that i beleived it. Now im lost with no direction. there are goals i made to get out, ok what now. He always told me what to do, when to do it. i feel like no one understands how hard this is, to love someone that only hurts you. it was not easy to leave him but i did it and filed for divorce. so many thoughts, memories, and what if’s are going through my head. i wonder how long will this last, when will i find who i am, what i like, who i want to be,.
LikeLike
Dearest Maxine,
You are me. I was you. Exactly. The exception was that I was working at the time. Is there not one family member you can still reach out to to help you? It is sad but we do end up having to push them away because of our abuser. I found this resource recently that lets you search for help by state: http://womenslaw.org/gethelp.php maybe this can be of some help. Here is another one http://womenslaw.org/ I pray that they can help you in some way.
My goal is to someday hand a woman like you the money to pack up and leave, I wish that I had that for you today. I encourage you to find a place here that you feel safe for support and always make sure that you abuser does not know the things you are reading online and when you call a number for help always all directory assistance after in case he hits redial. I learned that one the hard way.
I was actually a frequent caller on the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233. I would call just to vent and they would help me survive another day. Let them know your concerns too. They are there to help. http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ this link allows you to search for help in your area.
I understand being a shell of yourself. It tooks years to get the real Rebecca back. I found out that I had really missed her.
I don’t know the entire situation, is there anyway for them to have him removed and placed in jail so that you can stay in the home until you find a place to go? Try finding out resources now, may how you can apply for housing assistance for you and the kids, call the domestic hotline and find out how they can house you more than a week. Let me know what state you are in and I will do my best to see what I can find here.
Please write back, you and your children will be in my thoughts and prayers until we speak again.
All my Love Maxine, you are worth more than this and don’t let that light in your eyes go out.
Rebecca xoxo
LikeLike
Dear BA,
Smart gal, you left. I know this may sound harsh now but at least you are gone, don’t go back. You will miss the thought of what could be. No matter what anyone else is saying you know what happened and so does he. There will be a man out there that deserves you for you never deserve this. Put the focus on you and your healing. This all just happened so you must be in horrible pain. I encourage other readers to support you hear, this will be a rough few months.
They are trying to protect him, the abuser, you must take care of yourself, you sound intelligent, find people to support you, that is what matters. Let us know what we can do to help keep you strong.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was in an almost 4 year relationship with my boyfriend until 2 days ago.
I am not one to back down and i am not claiming to not have added verbally to the fight that blew up over me popping zits on his back, well anyway i demanded an apology and was not getting one and before i know it i am being thrown against walls, dragged out into the apartment hallway, i have several bruised major carpet burn on my entire thigh, my head is split open and i sent him to jail. He is apart of a college football team and everyone is trying to blame me, but i didnt do this to myself.
I am struggling because they r trying to protect him, they even change his name on the campus police report as to avoid media getting involved.
I am finding your quotes helpful i just and lost and confused.
How did this happen?
Why did this happen?
Can i close my eyes and it all go away?
Cant i reverse time 48 hours and be back in his arms?
Thanks for writing these things
B
LikeLike
Angel, I loved that poem so much. You have no idea. It was perfect. Thanks for posting.
LikeLike
I have been with my abusive husband for 14 years. I have tryed many times to leave but always come back because I am unable to make it on my own , I have gone to the shelters only to be told that I have a few day to one week to find my own place our some where els to go . I have no car and no money he has made share of that. I have lost my family and my friends becuase of him , He has taken so much from my life . I would love nothing more then to get out and stay out but how how due you do it ? I have my CNA but I am not allowed to work , I can never save money because I never am given any. and the places that should help eather can’t or only give you a few days . So here I am stuck . I wish that I had away to go I wish that 10 thousand dollars would fall in my lap . I dont like living this way but I have for so long and I have run out of choices . If I can say anything to you leave befor you lose everyone who really loves you , YOU FAMILY , YOUR FRIENDS. My family and friends .I dont blame them for turning there back on me and my kids , they gave up a few years ago , its tough love , on there part They could not watch me die , the person that I was befor him is gone , there is no life left in my eyes , My smile has been taken away and my self worth is gone , I am a shell of who and what I use to be a strong , happy , loving , outgoing , person is gone and my friends and family could not watch any more . so now I have to live in my own hell ,Maybe one day there will be away for me and other women to break free and live without frear but for now we will stay in side are 4 walls and look out the window and prey we live to see that day..
LikeLike
Angel,
Thank you for sharing that, it is very good.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
..Your Heart Still Beats..
We, the Oppressed, behind closed doors
Have no energy to move while our eyes pour
Your mate has no conscience or feelings of guilt
His purposeless life is to have your soul wilt
While your heart fills with pain
More power he’s gained
You have no will to survive
In disbelief you’re still alive
Yet your heart still beats
And your soul he still eats
With every breath you take
You wish is the last you’d make
You wish you would die
Even thought you could try
But something up above
In the heavens full of love
Gives you the will to try
God’s there with every cry
God feels the pain inside
He’s right there by your side
Every single tear you’ve cried
He’s cried right by your side
Your lover’s undercover
The truth you will discover
That there’s life outside those doors
Awaiting peace from all those wars
All your friends thought he was great
They never knew your life at stake
All they saw was prince charming
They just knew he was darling
When the truth was exposed
He remained well composed
All these years you were ashamed
You felt as if you were to blame
Now that you have seen the light
And have began a brand new flight
Everyone thinks you’re crazy
The days ahead seem glazy
As you try to get away
He just stands in your way
He wants you to give in
And you want your pain to end
Yet you do not give up hope
But you’re at the end of your rope
Yet your heart still beats
And your soul he still eats
With every breath you take
You wish is the last you’d make
You wish you would die
Even thought you could try
But something up above
In the heavens full of love
Gives you the will to try
God’s there with every cry
God feels the pain inside
He’s right there by your side
Every single tear you’ve cried
He’s cried right by your side
One day and one day soon
You’re lover will see his doom
And the life you’re meant to live
Full of love that you give
The pain that you’ve suffered
Will soon become buffered
– Angel Chapman
LikeLike
Sarah, I agree with a few things you wrote in your post. Rebecca knows that this site will help becuz its like a support group. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLike
Hello Sara,
God Bless. You are an encouragement to many here and I hope you will continue to post. Many stay because it is all they know, the fear of the unkown keeps you there. We can’t change the past but we can change today and our future. You should be so proud. Thank you for sharing your strength here, you will help many.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Rebecca,
Thank you for your words of encouragement! I have been getting stronger and stronger every day, in fact, i just got my healing tattoo 🙂 On my right foot, i got the domestic violence ribbon with the words “stronger than ever” next to it. i love it! and to top it all off, my ex husbands cousin did it for me. his whole family hates him, and said even though i am not married to him any more, i will always be family to them! I often wish i could go back in time and change the way things turned out, you know, like leave him the first time he hit me, but then i also think, if i hadn’t gone thru everything that i had, i would not be the person i am today, and i would also not have my two beautiful boys. God has a plan for everyone, and I know that he would not give me more than i could handle. so if this is the plan that he has for me, then so be it. i guess i will see what he has in mind for me. I would love to work with women who have been abused, maybe find a shelter or something to work in. we will see i guess.
My advise for anyone who doesnt think they can leave their abuser; YOU CAN!!!! after 12 years, i did. if you dont think it was hard… it was. believe me. but if you want to go on with life… get out before you end up in a grave.
LikeLike
Dear Sarah,
Wow. That was alot to take in. I am so very happy that your life has finally started over. It is like you are just existing when living like that. You might as well stand up to him if you can, if not he will eventually kill you anyways. I am so proud of you. From what you wrote I can tell you are one that will make it and come out damn strong. Take what you have learned and get stronger everyday. By recovering the right way you will teach your children to demand more of themselves and the others that they let in to their lives. Get the restraining order if you feel he will come at you again, we teach others how to treat us, you have let him know you are done, no more.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hello Carol,
My heart can not begin to express the sadness I feel for you and your family tonight. This is what happens when we stay too long and can’t get free. It breaks my heart that the baby was there too. He will forget, he is young enough but he will always miss his mother. I write this blog in hope of getting women to leave long before they are murdered like you baby. My love and prayers are with you always. I do this for your daughter, for you and that little baby.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I always dreaded the days… when I would have to recall…
the slaps in the face… kicks off the bed… and being thrown up against the wall…
before this all happened… a friend was going through this very same thing…
I refused to believe I would stand for it… even if I had the ring…
me telling her, “you should just get up and leave… you have nothing to lose”…
her responses being, “don’t say that till you’ve walked a few days in my shoes”…
nothing ever perfect enough for him… my immense fear quieted my cries…
watching sleeping with the enemy… saw my life playing right before my eyes…
lying to protect the things he did to me… after all… it was my own fault…
stupidly assisting him… constantly rubbing my wounds with salt…
I would like to thank my abuser… for making me who I am today…
I correct things when I’m wronged upfront… I won’t do it any other way…
thankful I was strong enough to leave… to live through emotional pain and scars…
if I redid it now… after the first slap… I’d start my life without parole behind bars…
~me~
LikeLike
“Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up but there’s a day when you realize you’re not just a survivor… you’re a warrior. You’re tougher than anything it throws your way.”
LikeLike
Hi
I am so Sorry you all are going threw this.I am also a survivor of Abuse.But more than that My stepdaughter age 30 ,The 6 mnths ago was murderd by her husband.She never thought anything like this would happen.She left behind a 2 yrs old son,who now will never n his Beautiful Mommy.She had moved out 2 mnths before,and she was just getting to live life again away from him.The baby was in the room when this happend,hopefully he will never remember,but at the same time he has no Mommy.
LikeLike
I was in serious shock reading the recent posts from Heather and Becca. I am so sorry to hear about the abuse and losses you two suffered. I will keep all of you in my prayers. I hope that things get better for all of us.
LikeLike
My Dearest Heather,
I can not say how truly sorry I am for the loss of your father in such a brutal way. I pray for your mother too. It is hard not to blame yourself when something like this happens. It is easy to say, you did not do it but still, you will have the guilt since his actions hit home. We are always threatened that they will kill of loved ones but we pray it is just a threat. Sadly, in this world, people do horrific things in the name of love.
In the end you will realize that sooner or later this man was going to snap, it would be you or your dad. I tell you this, your father would have stepped in your line of fire so that you were not harmed in a heartbeat. He is looking down now, grateful that you were not harmed, you are his little girl.
I wish I could wrap my arms around you, I cry as I respond to your post. I wish that I knew more of what to say to help you. You have a long road ahead of you. Do the counceling as soon as you can and journal, writing is a great way to get things out. The worst is by far the death of your father, it will take time and lots of healing to get through this.
Please, let us know how we can support you here. Come back any time to get things off your chest.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Readers, please help me support Heather though this moment we all fear.
LikeLike
Dearest Becca,
Wow, you suffer with depression, really? How on earth could a person not after living through all of that, now you are left with the aftermath of healing you and your children. Counceling is a big MUST. I had put my son in and found out he had PTSD, you son does. It is clear by what you are saying, either way, I child will suffer after what he saw. When I put my son in and would talk to the councelor that insisted I go as well. We live in such a secret life for so long the thought of actually being allowed to sit and tell someone all of the awful things that had happened are too scary to us.
It will help you so much. As I often say, for everyday he tortured your soul it may take a day to heal it wound. As you care for yourself and forgive what you feel you have done, remember, you only did what you did out of survival for you and your baby. You need to let that go the best that you can. One step at a time.
For me I sat with a sheet of paper and put the top 3 issues I needed to work on now. First was to stop having major anxiety attacks so that I could leave my house. Second was to stop obsessing over details of things that had happened. I allowed myself to count to five then forced myself to think of something positive or different. Sounds silly and this one took me years to master but eventually, if will be easy and really help during an anxiety attack. Last was to never, ever allow this toxin in to my life or my son’s again.
I fully relate, my son was 4 when his father tried to kill me. He was a quite little boy up until that last night. After my husband was removed my son starting having major fits and had to sleep with me every night and woke up screaming every single night, the doctor said night terrors. My son is now 20 and suffers with the PTSD as well as other issues, I am most certain from his childhood. Help me to teach others that no matter how young our children are this is hurting them as much as off and they will hold on to these bad memories if we do not make their healing a priority.
My son feared he would be like his father but even at 20 never drinks, is the kindest soul you could meet and we have the closest relationship.
Take one day at a time, focus on what you can control today only. Your past does not equeal the future. Write letters of forgiveness where needed, maybe even on to yourself. Don’t hold on to the guilt, I realized if I did that each day I was robbing my son of his full mother’s love.
Take a deep breath, hug those little angels and show that that yeah, we went through hell but we are strong and will not let this define us. Do great things, rock the world to stop violence.
You will be in my thoughts all day as your story mirrored mine with the exception of him physically hurting my son.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years. I had a son from a previous relationship who at the time was 2 years of age when i met my abuser.
At the beginning of the relationship I was treated like a princess, money was no object and I was flattered to have been so ‘adored’ by my ex partner. I quickly fell into what I naively believed to be love and thus the violence began….The first signs of his controlling ways were subtle but warning signs nonetheless…e.g…sulking when i wore a dress/skirt that he considered to be inappropriate or too short, destroying objects/possessions I held dear to me as a punishment for not bowing down to him. Gradually things built up to him accusing me of having an affair with a gay male friend of mine due to me receiving a joke via mobile phone with sexual context. Finally he managed to isolate me from my friends and family. He would force me to steal money from my own mother so he could buy himself drugs, go the pub etc and if i refused I would be threatened that my family would be killed. At the time I believed every word he said. I knew he was raised and lived in a bad area, had a history of crime and was convinced he would be capable of killing as he so often threatened, therefore I carried out these horrifying acts and stole money from my mother. This is something to this day, despite breaking free from this monster, I can still not forgive myself for.
Once my abuser had isolated me and moved myself and my son in with him to a totally different area (i knew nobody) the abuse become worse. There was endless nights when I would wake up having passed out on the bathroom floor due to be strangled. I lost count of the endless rapes I had endured. I couldnt go the shop, the toilet, the bathroom for a wash without him lurking in the shadows, he was simply everywhere. At the time there was no escape. There was no opportunity to go as he was constantly with me. For 12 months I never once ventured the shops by myself or with my son. Obviously my son was affected badly by the violence and to this day 3 years on, he can still recall incidents and has frequent nightmares of seeing “mummy pinned down on the bed with no nightgown on”
The final straw came when my ex partner assualted my world, my everything, the one thing that kept me going, my blood, my life, my baby. He strangled my son and beat him. He was 3 years old. That same night I was raped for what would be the final time and that same night i conceived my tormentors child. I rang the police that night, they came and arrested him. I was placed in a hostel for domestic violence sufferers and relocated to a ‘safe home’ My ex partner found me whilst he was on bail and broke into my home. I woke up during the night to find him in the doorway at the bottom of my bed. That night I had my son in bed with me as he was still unsettled for obvious reasons. I was also pregnant with my abusers child. Thankfully he was so alcohol and drug fueled he passed out on the floor. This was my opportunity to ring the police which I did and they took him away. During the course of the trial I was threatened by his family to drop the charged. My childrens lives were threatened aswell as my families. At the time I believed it was in their best interests to drop the charges and not risk their lives, which I did and to this day bitterly regret.
I now know my abuser had previous partners to whom he played out the same pattern, Ive even met up with some of them to share stories in hope of finding closure. Ive been to endless domestic violence classes and have turned my life around over the past year. I have 2 beautiful boys whom I adore and Im proud to have raised by myself. My biggest fear after splitting from my ex was that his unborn child would be as evil as his father. I could not have been more wrong. He is the most loving child and adores his big brother. My boys are my saviours, my heros, without them I would have given up on life and very much doubt I’d of been here today. Theyve given me a reason for hoping and living for tomorrow. Despite making such progress over the past year, Ive recently been diagnosed with depression. I know there are still various issues ive pushed to the back of my mind that i need to deal with. My initial reaction when offered to see a councellor was that to me that would have been failure but i now see to go forward i must tackle my demons and guilt of betraying and hurting those that meant the most to me, my family. Thankfully my family are still in my life, unfortunately my elder brother hasnt been able to forgive me yet but im hoping one day he does. In the meantime I can only concentrate on becoming the best I can possibly be. God bless you all and I pray you find the strength thats within us all to see yourself free xxx
LikeLike
Hi my name is Heather. I am in the process of getting a divorce from my husband of 6 years. We started with a good marriage but the last year has been a living hell. He lost his job and could not find another one and he wasn’t really looking. I’m a nurse so I was working really hard. He has a drinking problem and it got out of control. He started with verbal abuse and eventually it led up to hitting. I have been punched, slapped, things have been broken over my body and I have had huge bruises. I even got a split lip and a knocked out tooth. I will have a huge scar permanently on my lip because of him. Everything was my fault no matter if I had anything to do with it or not. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I just couldn’t see a way out of it and I would make up lies to my family and friends when they would ask me questions. I finally saw an opprotunity on 4/12/10 to get out of the situation. He was arrested for a DUI and I thought that he would be in jail for awhile. I was wrong. He only served 10 days and when he got out on 4/23 he came to my mom and step dads house where I was staying and attacked my mom and stepdad with a hammer. He was looking for me but I had just left the house. He wound up killing my stepdad but my mom will be fine physically. I had finally felt free to do what I wanted without having to check in to him and report every move I made and then he turns around and commits murder. I know that I am not responsible for his actions but a part of me honestly believes that I am the cause for this. I am seeking professional help but I just needed to get everything off my chest and I had been reading some posts on this site. Thanks guys for listening.
Heather
LikeLike
Hello Hannah,
I wish you all the support you need in leaving. Thank you for sharing that quote.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Andrea,
Thank you for sharing that, it is powerful. I wish you well too. Sharing here will support others, thank you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I came across this website looking for quotes about domestic violence. I read all the stories and comments, and now feel the need to share my story;
we met when we were still in highschool, september 13, 1997 to be exact. thought he was great! well soon i would find out, not so much. we had only been together for a couple of months when he hit me for the first time. I dont know why i didnt turn around and go running then. I was only 16, and had never been treated like that before, so why did i let him? not sure. it wasnt all the time at first, just here and there that we would argue, and then he would get violent. Then after I graduated, i soon found out I was pregnant. So we did what was probably the worst thing i could have dine. we moved in together. Then things started to get bad. thinking that carrying his baby would stop the abuse, nope! two times that really stick out in my head, were both while i was pregnant. One time he made me sit on the couch, and put my bare feet up on the coffee table. he would say something, and if he didnt like my response, he would whip my feet with his belt. this went on fro quite some time, till my feet were so swollen and bleeding that i could hardly walk. Another time he pushe dme down the stairs, and while i was laying on the floor at the bottom, he grabbed me byt the back of the head by my hair, and slammed my head into the floor until it was so swollen, and filled with blood. it slowed down after i had our oldest son, but after i found out he was cheating on me, it got bad again. i would go to work all the time with bruises and cuts, people would ask, and i would cover up. I went thru this hell for 12 years. He kept me from my family and friends, and wouldnt let me do anything. he was a drug dealer, and user, and drank a lot. At one point, our son was in a different state with his grandparents, i had had enough, and i left. went to stay by my mom, and told him we were done. he begged and pleaded and cried, so finally after a while i took him back. very quickly after that, we got married. why? i thought that maybe that would make it better. that having a peice of paper saying we were married, would make it all stop, and we would live happily ever after. Boy was i wrong. the night of our wedding, you know the night that everything is supposed to be perfect, was horrible! he got so drunk, he gave a guy $500.00 of our wedding gift money to some dude at a gas station, then dropped a whole bunch more. when we got home, it got so bad, he punched holes in the walls, broke windows, and beat me so bad that i didnt leave the house for over a week. i never once called the cops. i was too affraid of what he would do to me when he got out. in 2008, i got pregnant with our second son, and he then moved us across the country. being away from my family, even though i was not able to be close with them, was very hard for me, and after i had the baby, i found out that he was yey again cheating on me. I filed for divorce, kicked him out of the house, and never looked back. he would come to the house to see the kids, and still abuse me. I had had enough. i was dropping off our oldest son by him one day, and had said something to him. he ran up to my car and slammed my head on the steering wheel. I backed out of his driveway so fast, and called the police. this was the first time in 12 years of hell, that i ever called the cops. I was so proud of myself. even thought they didnt do anything, i was still proud. i had finally had enough. after one more time of him trying to bully me around, he had me pinned up agains thte wall choking me, i got loose and head butted him. this was the last time that he ever laid his hands on me. the divorce was just finalized on 4-13-2010, and i moved back to the state by my family, with the boys, and have not heard from him since. I went thru so much hell, but it is over now, and I couldnt be happier! this last month has been the best month that i have had in a very long time!!! my life ended on 9-13-1997, and it started again on 4-13-2010. and for this, i am ever so greatful.
LikeLike
While you SCREAM at your woman, there’s a man wishing he could talk softly in her ear. While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND and INSULT her, there’s a man flirting with her and reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there’s a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your women CRY, there’s a man
stealing smiles from her…..
I just want to say ive been there and i was scared too but to all the men and women who go through this or have gone through it that there are ppl out there to support u… i posted this quote on my facebook and myspace status for one week and alot of my friends have done the same we are behind you thanks for listening
LikeLike
I am a victim of DV and currently working on leaving. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook.
While you SCREAM at your woman, there’s a
man wishing he could whisper softly in her ear… While you
HUMILIATE,OFFEND and INSULT her, there’s a man flirting with her and
reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there’s
a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your women CRY
there’s a man stealing smiles from her…
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
Thank you for opening up and being so honest, sharing as you and I here will help many other women. I say feel sorry for yourself just don’t stay there. The hardest thing for me was to forgive myself and not keep feeling guilty that I stayed way too long or that I left this man with our son. I forgave him for being a drunk and abuser years before I forgave myself. Don’t judge your recovery but another we are all different. Some can move on quickly, it took me over ten years to stop having nightmares and I remained cellibute for over ten years. To tell a man that was difficult but when I finally met the man I adore, he believed me and understood. I always thought a man would look at me funny, he didn’t even know about the past abuse when I told him this.
If you were in love and he died, no one would say don’t feel sorry for yourself, they would expect it. You committed to being married and you had to make the decision to leave it. I stayed for so long because I too thought my love would change this man, that God had brought him to me for a reason and I never wanted to take the father of my son from either one of them. Then I finally realized I would soon die and my son would lose his mother and be raised by this evil man. He too would end up just like him.
We can’t change the past. Anthony Robbins writes, the past does not equal the future. Stop living in the past and what could have beens for you will miss out on the gift of today. Take time each day and cry, feel sorry for yourself, journal and pray. Then, wash your face, find something that makes you laugh and find something that is your passion and throw your time in to that. If you have too much time on your hands you will get depressed.
Maybe you can donate your free time to your church, sadly there are many women living in the abuse now that are so alone. You may be their shining light. For now, focus on bringing back all that you were before it was stripped away.
As far as loving the man still and remembering the good times, that is okay too. I would suffer through it all again just to have my son. I often feel that was the reason for it all. I wonder how a beautiful, kind, compassionate young man came from all that. He is very smart, that he got from his father.
I am here for you if you need me. I promise to write back as soon as I can. I check messages often during the day. Knowing that my words are supporting you during this difficult time means the world to me, that is after all, my goal.
I set up a stand alone post just for you. I posted all of your posts along with my response. When you post again do it under comments from the following link https://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/support-for-ettienne-during-the-aftermath-of-domestic-violence/ This will offer one place for others to support just you. There is a strong community here for you.
Love & Peace Ettienne,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Yeah and to this day I wish that he could’ve changed and we could’ve lived together in a safe and peaceful home. Yes, you are so right about the fact that it is a loss like a death. Im like why am I going through stages of grief. The denial, the guilt, the mourning. But just because its relief from abuse doesn’t mean its not a loss. There are many gains from letting go. But its still “letting go”. And this is someone I committed to. I won’t ever end up with someone else. But I will enjoy my life free from abuse. I was always the independent stay to myself type. It’s not hard for me to return to that lifestyle. But although the bad outweighed the good, there was some good. The good just ain’t worth the bad. Please reply as you have been. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. It seems like the people I know out here that have went through it, they’re the type that didnt put up with it, just got out of the relationship and moved on. So, I don’t really have someone out here that went thru it and can help me while I mourn. My cousin told me not to feel sorry for myself. I don’t think she meant it in a bad way. I don’t know what she meant by it. Anyways thank you.
LikeLike
Hello Ettienne,
You asked what I meant when I said, “then you are left with the aftermath of what has happened and what never will be.” When a violent marriage ends like this you mourn the loss as if there were a death, the death of your dream. What never will be, you will never live happily ever after with this person., Being left with the aftermath, means you are now left alone to deal with what has happened, the bruises, physically and emotionally. I often say you must give yourself the time to mourn the loss of your dream life with this person. Take the time to mourn what will never be and heal.
Night, sleep well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I realized that the tears are different. I’m not crying, squeezing myself. It’s a release of pain. I’m not screaming not wanting to harm anyone. Just releasing pain. I have to realize that I can’t help him and probably never will be able to. I do pray and hope that God will help him. Thank you for encouraging others to encourage me. It seems like I don’t get much encouragement out here. My bestie is here for me to talk to. Shel comes to kick it with me. Rebecca, you said “then you are left with the aftermath of what has happened and what never will be.” What exactly did you mean? Thanks again ma.
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
Sorry, I don’t always get to respond right away. Crying is a good thing, it get all the crap out so that you can think clearly. Many women, myself included thought that once he was gone I would be happy, then you are left with the aftermath of what has happened and what never will be. You need therapy. I did not think that I did but when I went, the floods opened wide. You will cry for sometime, you will be sad and have bad days, but you are out. It will get better day by day. I say it took years to strip you of all that you were, it will take a day to heal for each one he robbed you off. If you put all of your focus on healing and taking care of you it will happen.
You can only control yourself, that is hard enough. Let him take the steps to help himself, that is no longer your worry.
Love & Peace Ettienne, this time is even more difficult, but you will get through it.
Rebecca
I encourage others to support Ettienne during this difficult time that you too have made it through. She needs our encouragement too.
LikeLike
I am crying again. I cried Thursday night, last night, and today. I thought that once the abuse ended and he was away from me, that everything would be fine. I guess I’m more naive than I thought and I’m not as wise as I should be. I don’t know why I’m crying. All I can say is I rather cry in these conditions. It’s better than crying because my man put his hands on me, or cussed me out and left, or made me cry and I couldn’t sleep while he’s in a deep sleep. Why am I crying when I finally had a huge burden taken off of me. I don’t have to deal with the stress and pain of an abusive relationship. WHY AM I CRYING? And Rebecca, you said something that I will keep in mind. “All that matters from this moment on is that you left before the congregation was attending your funeral”. That’s something I never thought of. Well I did but I was more afraid that he would drive me to the point of taking my own life rather than him taking it. Now though I think hypothetically. At first I kinda made it seem like pushing wasn’t as bad as different types of physical abuse. But hypothetically, if I’m standing by a window in a two story building, and I get pushed, I could fly out the window and lose my life. So, since we never know where we’ll be when it occurs or what is around us that could make it fatal, no habit of abuse should be tolerable. And yes Rebecca, I am getting more and more horrified with what I lived with. I never sat and thought “If it was someone else going through this, would I encourage them to stay?” I wouldn’t but yet I felt that need. I came across papers saying that right before I met my husband he was diagnosed with psychotic disorder. It kinda made me feel sorry for him. But it made me realize that that is extra help he would need to ever change. I think i might need to call Marjaree Mason and get therapy.
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
I am relived to hear you will not return. Honesty here, who cares what others think. How you live is between you and your higher power, that is it. Others do not have the right to judge you. Tell who you want to share this with but it is not anyone’s business why you left, you know why, he knows why. In time you will be even more horrified with what you lived in, most you have forgotten and minimized.
Hold your head high, be strong, smile, they will move on to someone else. Don’t hold your head in shame that you have left your husband. Be kind, be authentic. All that matters from this moment on is that you left before the congregation was attending your funeral.
I am so proud of you. I really am.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I don’t have any intention to return. That is why I say I fear that more than any danger that can come while I have a restraining order. I’m a lil frustrated because I’m finding out that he’s contacting people who attend the same place of worship as me. I don’t need the whole congregation to know, but at the same time, I don’t want my friends/fellow believers to think I live separately from my husband and have no reason. I get so tempted to tell them what has taken place, but I haven’t said much to some people. When you were writing to the lady named Melissa you said, “You can’t even have a moment to sit and see how bad things really are.” That is some real talk. That’s exactly how it was. I’m like, Dang if I coulda had the chance to breathe I woulda realized the reality of the abuse I went through.
LikeLike
Hello Ettienne,
My advice, never return. You are out, when returning, trust me, things seem to double in severity. Then they hate you more because you left them and may have told others. You are away, I beg of you not to return. No matter how much this man has changed the damage has been done. Once your soul has been ripped apart by an abuser it is one of the hardest things to repair. Take the next few years and heal, if you do that you will realize that you don’t want to return. When you return too soon, it is normally out of guilt and hope that the love will come back. It can never be the love you dreamed for it a man treats you that way, it is a sick kind of love.
My prayer tonight it that you stay gone, for your sake. You are what matters. You do not need a man by your side to make you feel whole. When you are healthy, you will attract a man that deserves you. Demand respect in everyon that you allow into your space.
Be well, be safe and be gone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Melissa,
That has to be one of the sadest post I have read in the many years on here. You are loved by people you never met. I can fell your pain so badly. I wish that I could reach through the computer and hug you tightly. You are living in hell every second of every day. You can’t even have a moment to sit and see how bad things really are. Is there any place that you could go to get on your feet and fight to get your kids back. Can you leave in the middle of the night, call a shelter and have them move you far away? It should not matter that he has money, he still can’t abuse you. If you want to let me know what state you are in I will do my best to see if we can find a contact for you in that area. If you want just calling the abuse hot line at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). It is someone live to talk to and they can help you, that is why they are there.
I don’t want your kids to be attending your funeral by his hands or yours. If you can leave with you kids and your life you have everything. I remember the final days for me, all that matter was my life and my son, we had nothing left to care about.
Your body and soul are in deep need of a break. I can hear the fear you are in and clearly remember those last days for me. Something must happen, it can’t stay the same. You don’t deserve this darling, you don’t.
Let me know what I can do to help. Please write again so that we know you are alive.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Elivia,
You are frightened your family is falling apart, you have. For you own health I wish you could leave, is there anywhere else for you to live? Can you get another job and move? This is a horrible place for you to be living. It is not healthy for anyone. If the worst thing that happens is that you father makes your brother leave, that is for the best, he does not deserve to be supported by your father if he can not respect him in the least.;
I was so sorry to hear that you have dealt with the abuse from your brother all of your life. My only advice for this is to find away to leave. I know it is difficult where you live. You may need to do it on your own. Find a way to move, room with someone, split rents. You must stay out of his way if you can and focus on getting out of this toxic home. Staying will ruin all of you.
Let me know how we can support you here. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Anonymous
Post from 2010/04/27 at 4:10 am,
Thanks for the update. I am glad that day is behind you now. You did not make a bad decision. Go forward from here. Never minimize, we all do that, the abuser wants you to think it wasn’t that bad. I am glad that you found that song, I will have to check it out. For me it was the Martina McBride song about 4th of July. I would really listen when he was with me just dreaming of him dead.
Be well, be strong and be safe.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I thought I updated you guys but I guess not. Well went to court, nervous as can be. Some cases lasted quite a few minutes. Mine was probably the shortest. Judge asked me if I remembered the exact date of the last physical incident. I said I didn’t. He asked me to explain what happened.
(the judge had at least four written in the temporary restraining order but was just clarifying). So I said what happened. My husband didn’t remember grabbing me or raising his hand as if he was going to hit me. I honestly believe he forgot just like I forgot the date of the incident. So I’m still nervous right. Then the judge asked him “What about the incident on January 5th, did you push her into the dresser?” My husband admitted that he did. And the case was so short that that was the last thing i remembered before he made it clear that the restraining order would last for three years. I was hoping he would be put in a batterer intervention program. However, I was told by an attorney that the judges usually don’t grant that unless you have kids. So, I guess he won’t be able to receive help which sadly means he may not change. I’ve done research thinking that maybe I made a bad decision. But one thing is for sure I can’t change the court order. Who knows maybe thats God’s way of telling me to accept what I can’t change….besides I’m the one who wanted to be free from abuse. One thing is for sure…I don’t miss him. But I truly feel hecka sorry for him. I’m a pretty cool person and he lost the person who cared more about him than anyone else did. Theres this video I watch on youtube. I don’t want to promote it because if you look it up it has profanity (WHICH I STRONGLY DISLIKE). But the reason I watch it is because I don’t wanna minimize my situation because perhaps thats what others have done before they lost their life to an abusive mate. The song is ‘Love is Blind” by Eve. It’s a rap song. I tried to find the clean version but they only had it as a live performance. As a Christian thats the one I need to watch but it doesn’t have the actual incidents like the video. The video reminds me that this mess can escalate and I am not wise enough to say when it can or cannot lead to death. You never know.
LikeLike
I am 24 years old. I have always lived in domestic violence from my brother. He would always beat me as a child, although neither of my parents every laid a hand on me. My brother was always ashamed of me or to be seen with me in public due to the fact I’m an overwheight person, and didn’t want to be associated with me, or with my mother as well since she’s overwheight as well. From his teen years he was always hostile towards me. He would always be envious of the fact that I would have my parents, and especially my father’s attention, since I was a good student at school whilst he wasn’t, due to his increasing problem of dyslexia, although he never admitted or acknowledge that he is indeed a dyslexic. After I became 18, and after sustain many cases of beating from brother, even till the time I was 18, I moved to the United Kingdom for studie. During my holiday period in the summer, whenever there was a slight feud in the house for something even so insignificant as to what we would watch on TV, he would beat me or even dared to threaten my mother with beating. My father would always work, so most of the times, he could not stand up for my mom and me, hence we would stay unprotected. Tonight, my brother had an argument with my father and they beat each other. The argument was over the TV, yet again! I forgot to mention that my brother’s an athlete and really into sport, so he’s really fit and full of muscles and his strength is overwhelming, even for my father, to hadle. I have to admit that in all of the years of my father’s praise towards me, my brother most possibly would feel jealous, since by the time my brother was ten years old, my father never even praised him or acknowledged him for anything. I am living in Cyprus. It’s a small island in East Europe at the Mediterrenean, so domestic violence is really overshadowed and discarded over here. People don’t pay attention to it or don’t even dare to talk about it to anyone, much less take any legal actions for domestic violence, as that would create family vendettas and long-term family feuds. My brother hit my father really hard tonight, but my father retaliated as well, which made me even more scared. My mother was begging them to stop, but they would go on. At one point I got scored so I was pleading sobingly for both of them to stop. But they wouldn’t listen. When they finally both let go, and my brother headed to his room, he punch me in the arm, just because I was sobbing. (those were his commnets). I am really frightened now, as I think that my father will tell my brother to leave from the house. My brother and me are 4-5 months unemployed at the moment, so we’re both living at our parents’ house and living off their salaries, something which causes both my parents, but mostly my father, great anxiety as we’re hardly coping in the house. I don’t know to who to talk to, or what to do about. As for speaking to some specialist or to a person of authority, I think that would only worsen the situation in the house. I am really frightened that my family is falling apart and there’s nothing for me to do to stop it.
LikeLike
Is it me? Is it my fault? I am writing to people I dont know, yes there are three sides to every story, mine, his and the truth…..I have done things wrong, I have left, I have returned, I have left, I have returned, I leave and I always return, I am in a situtation with a man who has been charged 5 times for domestic violence and a man who never gets charged for it. wow. yea, his grandparents are loaded, he has custody of my kids, he has everything without him, I have nothing, he likes it that way cause he knows i have to stay. i currently have a black eye, and a thumb that hurts like shit, cause about 6 weeks ago he bent it back until it popped, wow. Then when I leave my “friends and family” say I leave my kids, talk shit about me to this bastard then leaves me with no choice but to come back. Really a screwed up situation, today he has threatened to throw me out of the truck, called me every kind of whore and bitch a person can be called, threatend to cut my throat from ear to ear, then tells me it is my fault….well that may just be the case…..I dont know, I dont know why I am even writing this, its not like someone is gonna reach threw the computer and rescue me, I am at my wits end, it will not change no matter how much I desire it to change and how much I want it to change. How can I love this monster, I dont, dont think I do, just afraid of the unknown, I leave i leave with nothing……I stay then my kids end up without a mother, cause eventually he will kill me….my father is a successful drunk my mother is bipolar crazy lady that abused me all my life. i am an artist, i love to paint and write and love to love, just wish i could be loved back, thats all i have ever wanted in life was to be loved…..does love even exsist? I love I know that but maybe I am not capable of being loved back, who knows……ready to to toss in the towel. Ready to drown in the bathtub, or ready to “bleed out”.
LikeLike
He’s never threatened to kill me. I don’t think he thought I would ever leave. We didn’t have the type of relationship where I begged him to stop the abuse, and then he made promises that it wouldnt happen again. It was never that scenario. It seems like we didn’t talk much about the abuse until we started to live separately. I don’t think he’s going to do anything drastic, now that we live apart. My fear is of returning in the future to see if he’s changed, seeing he hasn’t and then trying to leave at that point. I fear that more than him trying to hurt me right now. He never dealt with weapons around me. He just made a habit of pushing me, grabbing me, and stopping me from walking away, well and a couple slaps. He’s not as scary as some abusive men are. My thing is I read an article that said that any abuse can cause injury or death. The fact that one man’s abuse is less frequent or less intense than anothers does not make it excusable. After reading stuff like that I realized that something terrible could happen accidentally. I don’t think he ever wanted to hurt me but because he becomes physical when mad, made me feel like some krazy accident could take place.
LikeLike
Dear Ettienne,
Exactly. You have walked away and must stay away. I never dreamed my husband would show up until he actually, drunk called the courts to tell them they better not renew the order. Then he shows in court with a black eye, hungover and looked like he slept in the car. Watching him tell the judge how things would go was sad, I saw him at his lowest but was so terrified at the same time he would shoot me. All abusers hhreaten to kill you if you leave or tell. My biggest fear was if I ever involved the police or did a restraining order like his first wife………..Hmmmmmmmmmmm some of what the first wife tells you is true and watch out.
You are in my heart and prayers today Ettienne. Be strong, we are with you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
A reader/writer posted this today, I encourage you to print it and bring it with you. It may give you strength:
When I was married to my abuser he used to tell me “but I give you everything” my reply with divorce papers was this…
All these things you’ve given to me
Bruises, Marks,
Screams, Hurts,
Unfounded Accusations…
Total isolation…
Threats, Terror,
Nightmares, tears,
Emotional High…
Worried I’ll die…
Low self-esteem,
Hurtful remarks,
Unwanted lust…
Slaps, Mistrust…
Broken bones,
Hitting, Pushing,
Shoving, Fighting…
Endless lying…
Humiliation, Misuse,
Emotional abuse,
No Friends, No family, No Help
Is this really what love is?
Poem was printed with permission from the talented author
Angela Hutcherson-Jenkins
she offers many poetry books free to download and hardcopies for sale at lulu.com/xeson
LikeLike
The attorney that represents me for auto accidents said “The abuser usually doesn’t show up.” However, Im almost 100% sure my husband will show up. I find myself thinking I’m being harsh towards him. And I have to remind myself to stop thinking about how he can change for the better. And realize what he did, and could do if I didn’t walk away.
LikeLike
Hello Ettienne,
I am so sorry, it is so hard to face this type of situation. The time I had to renew the order after seven days someone from the Domestic Violence group at the court went with me. I was afraid he would shoot me in front of everyone. Just having someone basically hold my hand helped. Seek this out when you go or see if someone can go with you. I know you love him, but love yourself more. You are much stronger than you think. Try to visualize the entire scene going well in your head and do something to take your mind off of things the night before. Fearing it will only make it worse. You have gotten this far, you can do this Ettienne. We will all be with you in our hearts and prayers.
Let us know how things go. Lots of love for you during this really difficult time.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hello Becky,
I agree that the hardest thing for anyone to realize when they love someone is that their love won’t change them, not who they really are deep down inside. The person’s hatred for life will change you though if you stay. We can not be responsible for another actions, only are own.
Thank you for sharing this with us, I am sorry for all that you went through but you sound strong and learned like I have. I will never tolerate someone to take my soul again. I worked too hard to get it back.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I myself have been at the hands of more than 1 abusive partener, but i have learnt a lot from it.
You always protect your children and yourself from these FREAKS of nature, and never give them an INCH because if you are unfortunate enough to have one of those POINTLESS RESTRAINING ORDERS (that do squat….!)and think you can sleep at ease at night, than i would NOT rely on it, because unless those FREAKS actually get to you, and HURT YOU or YOUR CHILDREN!!! they are worth NOTHING!!!!,and by the time the LAW gets there (because that bit of paper is so powerful…..its all over).
ALL WOMEN I SAY TO YOU WHO ARE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE WITH A MAN WHO IS SOMEONE WHO THINKS VERBALLY ABUSING YOU IS RIGHT,WHO HITS AND PUSHES YOU AND SAYS ITS JUST A GAME, WHO HURTS AND INTIMIDATES YOUR CHILDREN,WHO THINKS THAT BEING HIS PARTENER IS A GIVEN TO HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!!!
There is NO!!!! help for these men they ARE BROKEN!!!, just like CHILD ABUSERS!!!!
I do not care what their childhood was like, as i believe they did not like it, so why would they want to inflict this PAIN and SUFFERING on any one else!!!!
ITS CRAP!!!!!!
I SAY DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO LADIES IN ORDER TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN FROM THESE PREDATORS, BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY ARE!!!!
PIECES OF CRAP ON YOUR SHOE NOTHING MORE!!!!
ITS GOTTEN TO, ITS YOU OR ME.
ITS SURVIVAL.
BECK
LikeLike
I go to court on the 20th for this DV mess. I’m nervous. Ive only been before a judge once and it was a completely different case. Even though I love my husband, I dont want to see him.
LikeLike
To Terri. I know how hard it is to not pick up the phone to not feel sorry for the abuser. I had to get a restraining order not just to protect myself from abuse, but also to stop the contact. If I’m ordered by the court to not talk to him, I will respect that authority. Your situation might be different. If you think you would be in more danger by filing a restraining order, then dont file it. Keep your safety first. But if you can do it and feel a little safer, by all means do so. If it would put you in more danger, then like Rebecca said, change your number.
LikeLike
My Dear, Dear Terri,
YES, your life does depend on it! Read what you just wrote, he scares you, has hurt you and will again. Pretend for once that you are what is important. You need to value yourself, only then will you attract a man that deserves you. He does not, he will keep pulling you in as long as you let him.
You must stop now, there is no reason to go back to him. Everyone on this site understands and has been where you are. I went back to the man that tried to kill me because I was so alone, no spirit and no self esteem. I would never allow that again but know the feelings you are having now.
He is like a drug to you, it will feel good for a while but then you will crash and crash hard. Don’t wait for him to hurt you really bad so that you can end up telling us how he put you in the hospital or tried to kill you.
Remember that good old saying, you show others how to treat you, by returning to him after he does the things he has done you are letting him know that it is okay to not respect you.
I promise, without a doubt in my mind, that if you allowed yourself a year to have no contact with this man and put your entire focus on getting your full self esteem back and giving yourself as much love as you are giving this man your goals and dreams will start to come true. When you are ready inside a man that really deserves the great woman that you are will suddenly show up. Trust me, it happened for me and many others.
You will never find the real you or the man of your dreams while the man you are with is still in the picture. This door must close before the wonderful life that awaits you can begin. Thank you for writing again, we are all here for you during this difficult time.
One last piece of advice, you stated you are strong until he calls, change your number! Maybe he will just stop calling.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Everyone:
I wrote a post back in December about all of the things I had been through and how I was getting stronger every day! Well, this is a follow up to tell you that even though I am getting my life back together and I am feeling stronger all of the time, every time he calls or comes near me, I feel weak all over again! I still seem to give in to him and he still portrays himself as the “victim”. I don’t really know how to end this – I try to walk away and he reels me back in, time and time again. I spent a couple of weeks with him, only to end with him hitting me one morning and then knocking my scalding hot coffee all over me! We spent a couple of weeks apart after that and now he is starting again – I feel myself weakening – and he is trying hard to convince me that nobody else will want me or make me happy. Has anyone else been through this cycle? Please help if so and give me words/support that will help me resist. I feel like my life depends on it!
Thanks,
Terri
LikeLike
Hello Ettienne,
It is nice to hear back from you. Yes, it does happen, it has been fifteen years since I left and when I write here it seems like I am writing about another person’s life. It could not have been my life because I would never allow those things to happen again. We minimize so much of what happens that looking back it seems unreal.
You stay strong and let us all know how you are doing on the other side of things.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Sash,
I am so happy that you found this site too. I feel your love and warmth, bigs hugs to you too! Twenty years is a long time. I am so happy to hear that you are free from your abuser. Finding the right support can make all the difference in changing the rest of your life.
Be well and write again soon.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
hi
i was looking for some inspiration when i found your site and wow what an amazing bunch of people there are on here. i was in an abusive relationship for almost 20 years – im 37 now. i finally managed to get him out almost two years ago and these two years have probably been the hardest of my life. but i wouldn’t swap any of it to go back to the fear and constant trauma my ex put me and our two children through. i am still scared and il probably be messed up for quite a while but at least that’s my choice to make now. for anyone in an abusive relationship – please try to understand he/she will never change regardless of what you do and the only choice you have is to leave. please be safe and remember you do not have to put up with it. i have cried and rejoiced reading these posts, i could hug you all and i feel for everyone here but their is life after dv, their is support available and no it wont be easy but living the nightmare is so much worse.
much love and respect
sash
LikeLike
Rebecca, this is Ettienne. I appreciate what you said in reply to my post. Right now I feel like this wasn’t real, all that happened. It’s like I can’t believe all that went down. I never had time and peace of mind to look at the situation. Now that we live in different homes, I can reflect and I’m like “did this mess really happen?”I can’t believe it. Let me guess, this mess is typical of domestic violence victims.
LikeLike
Dear Marcia,
I was glad to hear you found this site and really glad that you finally decided to post. Writing what you have been through and reading the stories from others can really help you to heal. We all want to be loved so much that we overlook blaring signs of potential abuse all in the name of love. Telling you the anxiety and nightmares are normal will not make the pain and process any better or easier for you. Take one day at a time, sometimes for me it was one hour, one minute at a time. You are mournign what never was and are living with the reminder of what he did to you everytime you look in a mirror. You allow things the power of what they are. Trying changing what you see when you see the scar, see a reminder of what you will never tolerate again, see if as a battle scar from war, she it as a strenght that you did not say and die. Don’t be ashamed by it another day, you should not be. Don’t give him the power another day.
Many had needed the meds after being through what you went through. It is about you, not them, it doesn’t matter what others think. You are never alone, this blog has been the sole support for many. We are here to help you on your journey of recovery. Make the most of your therapy and focus on what you what in life.
Hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi, my name is Marcia, this website has been on my favorites list for a long time, but I never had the guts to actually respond. Im a 22 year old student now, but two years in may is my anniversary of the day i saved my life. I was a niave 20 year old girl who didnt know what she wanted out of life, who was lost, so lost that she had been to 5 different school since i graduated high school in 2006. I just didnt know who I was or what i wanted to do with my life. Then, when i felt like nothing could make me happy, this guy comes along. Hes 25 and experienced and has a life, a career, a life. We met and boom, we were together. At the time, i was living with a roommate but we were having trouble getting along so my mom got me a one bedroom place just for me. Pretty soon my boyfriend weezled his way into living me, claiming he didnt trust the guys who lived there in the building. I should have known that was the first red flag. Then, he got insanely jealous whenever i went somewhere alone, thinking i was cheating on him. 3 months into the relationship was the first time he hit me. He was in a complete rage, because he was bipolar and a drug addict. But he was clean when we were together. He relapsed after i left him. The abuse went on for 7 months each time, it got worse and i ended up in the hospital over 30 times in that time frame. Ive had 4 broken ribs, a broken wrist, and a broken ankle, and numerous head and chest injuries, almost anything you can imagine, its happened to me. The breaking point for me was the day he punch me in my face and broke my cheek bone, the bridge of my nose and he split my eyebrow open, i had 12 stitches and an unrecognizable face. Thats when my mom and I went to the local Battered Womens Task Force with the YWCA where i talked to the police and went to the local womens shelter. Wants he found out where i was, i had to go straight to college. The worst thing is that now i have scar on my eye and everytime i look at it, it reminds me of him, and whats worse is that he has a scar on his hand from punching me, so its like were both connected forever. I hate looking at it and I hate when poeple ask me about it. When its hot outside, its turns bright red so its that much more of a reminder. Now im 22, Im graduating with a dual degree in Arts and Science. But i still live day to day with the nightmares, flashbacks, triggers, and im on meds for anxiety and depression. I can definately say that I am not niave anymore and Ive lived experiences that most of my friends think dont exist, only on TV. I have no friends, well no close friends because i cant talk to them if im having a bad day or why im taking medicine to make me sleep, to keep me from remembering my nightmares at night, to keep me calm and collected, to keep me happy. Nobody understands except for my mom and of course my therapist. I feel so alone, but i know im not, i just have nobody to connect with.
Well, this is my story,
Thanks, Marcia
LikeLike
Hello
Wow, you said, “The things I’ve went through are not as bad as some pf the posts on here but when this violence becomes a habit, there’s no way to know whether or not the next incident will be as bad as some we’ve read about. I’ve been pushed into dressers, against walls, in between the bathtub and the toilet, been stopped from going to class at a college, stopped from walking away from an argument, been threatened, called names, slapped, grabbed by wrists, been restrained to an extent that it was hard to breathe and i thought my life was about to end.
You are doing what many do, minimizing what you went through and comparing it to others. You were badly abused. I never went to the hospital, I never had a broken arm a black eye. I was tortured to the point of death by fear, what he would do and other than a flight down the stairs and my breath choked out of me a few times and my head slammed on a really hard floor most of my abuse was knives thrown inches from my head, being woken in the middle of sleep with him jabbing a knife at me for hours, telling me how he will kill me. It was like being beaten over and over. A man can bring you close to death without even touching you with the fear of what might happen.
Never, ever feel you are posting too long, your post will greatly help another reader. They will read what you have said and it will help some of their lonliness go away. You are damn strong and don’t ever let anyone make you feel badly for a damn thing, learn from this and realize it doesn’t matter what any one thinks about what you do, if you can lie your head on the pillow at night and feel good about yourself, that is enough.
Thank you for sharing your pain and your road to recovery. I hope that we will hear from you again soon.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Wonderful website, but tragic stories. They are definitely necessary for people like me who need to be reminded of what can happen if this violence is condoned. Just got a restraning order after almost 2 yrs of DV. Im a female who does not use profanity. Therefore, being called the “b’ word and the “mf” word was in my eyes verbal abuse. However, if all the abuse would’ve been verbal, I may have stayed. But when you have to deal with both physical and verbal abuse, you become temporarily damaged. We all say things we don’t mean (and no I’m not saying verbal abuse isn’t bad). It’s worse in a way because more people think it’s tolerable and they probably reason that it’s not as bad as physical abuse. I can’t say which one is worse, cuz theyre hard to compare. But what I can say is they are a vicious combination. The things I’ve went through are not as bad as some pf the posts on here but when this violence becomes a habit, there’s no way to know whether or not the next incident will be as bad as some we’ve read about. I’ve been pushed into dressers, against walls, in between the bathtub and the toilet, been stopped from going to class at a college, stopped from walking away from an argument, been threatened, called names, slapped, grabbed by wrists, been restrained to an extent that it was hard to breathe and i thought my life was about to end. I get looked down on by people for getting a restraining order, not immediately after an incident but a month after the last incident. People can hate all they want to because I am not about to wait for things to get to a point where I find myself needing to go to the hospital or the point when people are wondering “how did she die?” No, police said get a restraining order a few times too many. I can’t take a chance tryna figure out if his apologies and promises are genuinely sincere. I’m glad in his heart he may really want to change and may have really changed, but let him change before God’s eyes. Because while I’m waiting for him to change in my environment, he may do some serious damage and then my family and friends would be wondering why in the heck did I LET all this happen. And all that innocent talk he does and all that talk about how my mom messed up or interfered with our marriage…I’ve tried to tell him, I would’nt run to my mom if I wasn’t being abused. How dumb can an abuser be to think anything other than “Dang, I’ve been abusive to my wife, now she’s finally fed up, I should’ve treated her like a real man’s supposed to. It’s my fault, not anyone else’s”. If an abuser don’t realize that and that only, he’s sick. But this we already know. This post I’m writng is way too long. I will probably post something else some other day. Thanks ladies for reminding me that DV should not be tolerated.
LikeLike
Tara, I would love to see it, send it to dreamfocused@earthlink.net. I appreciate that you have taken the time to share this with me. I will make sure it gets posted here too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Rebecca,
I am the Tara that last posted on here and I have put together a slide show of the abuse I suffered along with statistics and also my healing that I would like to send to you but I need an email address to send it and I am not quite sure how to get it to you…..that is if you are interested in seeing it. Anyway, if you could please let me know if you have any interest in seeing it and if so how I could get it to you.
Thanks,
Tara
LikeLike
Dear Tara,
Thank you, your words were right on point and to the heart. Supporting others is the best gift that we all seem to have come away with. I felt so much guilt over everything, although after the last time, I never missed him again, I can only imagine the extra layer of guilt that one would feel wanting and loving this type of man. My guilt was for staying so long. The hardest time for me was the aftermath, being all alone with just my thoughts. I was never allowed to speak and have an opinion and suddenly here I was in charge of it all. I would have anxiety attacks sitting in the room all alone after my son was in bed. The silence was unbearable. I would call my sister and just try to breath. I was afraid to be alone with all of my horrible thoughts. This is when I began to write. Simple things like what I did not want in my life anymore. I then set some really short terms goals like how to stop the anxiety attacks to playing music that helped me to be alone. Self Matters by Dr. Phil is a book I often suggest as it really helped me let go of things I needed to let go of.
Jaclyn, you will get there, accept that you still love him, that is all right. With out my husband I never would have had the most wonderful son in the world. Sadly, I would go through it all again just to have him. I would although spare him the things he saw.
There is a great support system here Jaclyn, we welcome you with open arms and no judgments. I hope we hear from you again soon.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Jaclyn,
I am the women that posted before you did. It breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. I understand all too well the confusing emotions you are going through. My boyfriend almost killed me and he is in jail is facing time in prison. I still find days where I miss him and wish this had never happened. It makes me upset with myself that I would still love and care for someone that almost took my life. But then I remind myself that it is very common for women in abusive relationships to feel this way. It takes time to get through all these feelings. I never want to hate him because I don’t believe in carrying hate in my heart and I know one day I need to forgive him for myself to completely heal but I am not there yet. I speak to a counselor once a week through a domestic violence group in my town as well as group therapy. It has helped me so much and I know I could not make it through this without it. I’m sure that they have something like that in your town, that probably charges on a sliding scale depending on what you are able to pay. They are there to help so they will work with you. I highly recommend looking in to it as it helps so much with what you went through, your emotions, and most importantly healing.
I also have a great support system of friends and family. Although they can’t even begin to understand what I am going through, they are there when I am having a bad day of crying and feeling helpless to just listen and support me.
I have learned that I am in no way responsible for what he did to me but I also have learned that I can become a better stronger person because of what I have been through. I have learned to set up healthy boundries for myself and to make myself and my children my top priority. Rebecca is completely right in that you can not get the love you so deserve until you love yourself with all that you are….which you are also deserving of!
You are very brave for coming to this site, it is a step in the right direction. When you feel all is lost just know there is hope! Please stay strong and know there are many that have been through what you have been through and we are all here for support….even if it just online! Please look into counseling, I can’t express how important and vital this has been in my healing! Remember, things don’t go wrong and break our spirit so we can become bitter and give up. They happen to us to help us become all that we were intended to be! My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time!
Much love,
Tara
LikeLike
Dearest Jaclyn,
My heart is breaking for you. You are not alone and have been through so much for such a young lady. Many women miss and long for their abusers to be back so you are not alone in that, it is what you want your life to be, the dream that even after all that has happened you still hope for. I just wish in time that you will realize that you must love yourself before you will be able to be with the man that deserves you. This man does not..
I am so sorry about your baby and don’t know to help you come back from that. Are you able to attend one on one counseling? With all that you have been through that would help you the most. Just vent, many woman find that writing on here helps their anxiety but you need more.
Let us know how we can help. You are in my prayers tonight. I encourage other readers to post and support Jaclyn, that is why we are here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
i came across this website looking for quotes about love and abuse… i was recently in a abuse relationship and i had one beautiful daughter in it. i am almost 21 years old… my ex fiance tried to kill me one night… and i dont know how to get on with my life. he is out of my life but not soon enough. he completly destroyed me. he cut me off from friends and family controlled how i looked who i talked to and where i went… his parents adopted my baby and i agreed in fear that i would make him mad if i didnt… i cry everynight for the waste of love i have spent on him and i cant seem to stop loving him. i think of him all the time. he only got 4 years of probation for what he did to me and now i cant even see my daughter… his family says that he is being punished too much… i dont think its enough…i know i shouldnt cry over wanting him but i do…. i dont know how to get over him. i havent gotten any help with any domestic abuse helplines or anything and i sometimes feel that maybe everything would have been better if he would have succeeded in killing me that night.. i dont like this feeling but i just cant help it.. i need some help please
LikeLike
Dear Tara,
Wow, I am so glad you are alive and that you took the time to post here. You are so right, if you fear someone even a little that is a warning sign in your gut. Your story happens all too often. We don’t want to listen to others, I never did, we will make our on decisions. We minimize the meanness out of wanting to be loved so much I think.
You are amazing and strong and your posting will help many. Keep us posted on your recovery.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I came across this site while looking for quotes about abuse. I just want to say it is a great site for people who have been in abusive relationships and need either courage to leave or support if you have been or are in an abusive relationship. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 months. Many of my friends told me to leave him and my best friend even said “I don’t want to go to your funeral some day.” He had hurt me physically on 4 different occasions but it was bruises on my arm from grabbing me and pulling my hair and shoving me. I never thought he would hurt me seriously bad so I thought my best friends comment was over doing it. However, she was very serious and really felt that way. On December 12th of last year the seriousness of her comment almost became a reality. My boyfriend got extremly violent with me. He had a knife that I was pushing away with my hands and he strangled me to the point of unconscieness. I seriously think he thought he had killed me and set me outside to come inside and clean up all the blood. Thank God I came to while outside and ran to a neighbors house. They did not answer and I could not walk (because I had broken my heel when I jumped a retaining wall to the neighbor’s house), was naked, freezing, and bleeded uncontrollably, so I just collapsed in the shadows and screamed at the top of my lungs for someone to help me. A neighbor heard me 3 doors down and came to my rescue. When the ambulance came I was hypothermic, my temperature was 93 degrees, so I have come to the conclussion that I was outside unconscience for quite some time. I was in the hospital for 4 days. My injuries were 27 stiches in my fingers (from pushing the knife away) and in my forehead, a broken heel, massive bruises covering my entire body literally from my feet to my head, black eyes (not from him hitting me in the face but from him strangling me), the whites of my eyes red from the blood vessels being burst in them (also from strangulation), cuts on my throat, other cuts and scratches on varies parts of my body, a huge gash on the back of my head that would have required about 15 staples but the ER doctors missed it because my hair was so matted with blood, and a massive concussion. I am almost healed physically but I am well aware that the emotional healing will take a very long time. I go to counseling once a week and twice a week I have brain rehabilitaion because I suffered damage to my brain due to the concussion, being unconscience, and also because of being hypothermic. My attacker was on the run and wanted with attempted murder. He turned himself in 3 days after. Unfortunatly they were not able to charge him with attempted murder but he is being charged with 5 felonies. His bond reduction hearing was earlier this month and it was the first time I saw him. I knew for myself and to take back a little of all that he took from me that night, I had to get up and express how I have been effected with what he did to me that night. It was not easy but I’m glad I did. The judge kept his bond at $500,000.00 because he said by looking at the pictures it was the worst case of assault he has ever seen and that he has no doubt that I almost did and very well could have lost my life that night. Everyone, including the detectives and doctors say how lucky I am to be alive. On a daily basis I struggle with the fact that he almost left my 2 beautiful, loving, kind, innocent young daughters without a mother. His next court date is the beginning of March and he will then decide whether he wants to take the plea that is offered to him or go to trial. It will be a long painful process to get to the thinking and feelings of being a “survivor” instead of a “victim” but with the help and support of my family and friends and sites like this it makes it a little easier. What I want people to know in reading this is that if you are in an abusive relationship and he has never hurt you severly and think that he wont chances are he is very capable of it and don’t wait for that day to happen. I am constantly haunted with the fact that I should have left him the first time he layed a hand on me. When I am fully healed I plan on becoming an advocate for domestic violence. I would love to go to high schools and whatnot and tell my story and show my pictures. If I can save one person from going through what I went through, or stop one man from hurting the person he loves than I will be able to see the positives in an awful situation. Many thanks to you for this site and I send positives thoughts and courage to anyone who is in or has been in an abusive relationship.
LikeLike
Dear Annissa,
I completely agree and have seen and heard the same horror stories of women abusing. You read one page on this blog with a few quotes, I have many other posts on poetry and posts about men surviving domestic violence just as bad as women, it is the secret abuse, not talked about. Check out other links here Poem – She left no bruises and Can a man be abused
This offers many link for men off of the blogroll too.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hey, Its not just men who beat on and abuse women…there are alot of women abusers too, so you cant just blame everything on men!
LikeLike
Tara,
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are amazing.
LikeLike
Tara,
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are amazing.
LikeLike
Kate,
There is so much support here, sorry took me so long to write, my life has taken over. I wish you all the best.
LikeLike
Dear Annie,
I am sorry so long to post, life happens. I was the same way, I was forced to cut of all times with family and friends. That is what he wants, not her. They don’t want to have you tell anyone what they are doing. As much as you don’t want to hear this, no matter how much you love her, if she does not want to leave you can’t make her. Just be there when the shit hits the fan like it usually will. Maybe send her cards, let her know you are going to be there when ever she needs you without judgement. If you can talk to her just stop begging her to leave, she may just need to know she is loved too and the pressure of always being told to leave has now forced her to cut off ties.
I sincerely wish you and your family all the best, you have made me realize how my family must have felt. He listened in on all my calls, worried I would say things he had done, finally I just stopped talking to everyone.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Survivor,
I am blessed for all that you will do for young girls and boys. I reread what you wrote, we don’t teach this in schools. Keep us posted.
LikeLike
Dear Terri,
You are so strong, don’t let him pull you back. Try and keep the worst thing he ever did fresh in your mind, post in all over the house and when you feel sad and miss him read it, remember it. It will NEVER be better, I promise. Yet I understand for I went back to a man that tried to kill me and he was gone for over a month. I called him back, crazy but I get it. You need to put 100 percent focus on your recover, getting stronger, doing what Terri likes. Hopefully he will slip away. If you go back he will hurt you even more than he already has.
It is time for you to decide to break the cycle, move on, there are many wonderful men out there but more important you are wonderful, learn to be alone for as long as you can, even a year, recover and be full of life to attract the right man in to your life. don’t jump fast to another relationship or you will end up the same.
Love & Peace and hope to hear of your great recoverey.
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Lee,
What a heart breaking post, I wish I would give you a big hug. You have been through too much for such a young lady. Through it all you are incedbibley strong to share hwo you have. I am sorry that you have had to live such horrible things but you have. The most you can do now is decide to have the control over the rest of your life. My boyfiend struggles with the occasional screaming when I wake from a mightmare and I have been away from my abuser over 13 years but the fear seems to have a mind of its own when we sleep.
I am happy that you have a man that sees the real you. I am proud that you are in college and encourage you to get one on one counceling if you can. You have so much ahead of you and to have a fresh start to some degree would be a big plus for you.
May be you be able to stop looking over your shoulder soon. I hope we all hear form you again soon Lee.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Survivor,
Thank you for posting. I liked the bracelet thing, great idea. I do it with jabbing my nail into my finger, what ever works. Congrats on becoming an RN, the world needs you. You are right, you won, he is nothing. Each hand connects and thank you for connecting with us today.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Sheri,
I applaud you for realizing how abusive family can be too. I have some that I can away from too. Abusive comes from all people and you get to decide who you want you and your family around, like you said, you could not do that when you were a child. I am happy you have a good strong family unit.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Anonymous,
I am thankful that you realized things would never change, that is one of the first steps. You can not change what the children sawy,. you can change what they see from this day forward. Be well, we are here for you.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Kim,
My heart broke to read your post so long after you wrote it. I wonder how you are doing today. You went through hell and back and came out alive. You are so right, what does not kill us makes us strong. You are probably finding out now that you are so much stronger than you ever imagined. Take a day at the time, it tooks years to get here and will take years to be well, completely. He tore you down, it is time for you to take back the power he stole.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
One day, I came to the realization that things were not going to get any better.. The thing of it is; it took the eyes of a child to bring me to that place…. The fear in their eyes and The sound of the fearful tears that their daddy might hurt someone beyond repair this time… That thought keeps raging through my mind, when the times seem tough… At times I wonder is it all worth leaving, when he continues to try to control me… It’s then I remember what it was like… living each moment of the day on pins and needles, wondering is he mad today, how will he react, how can I do better.. Knowing fully that there is no pleasing him… All I can try to do is minimize the pain inflicted… My only regret of leaving him; is I didn’t leave soon enough… Knowing that I put my kids thru the torture of watching daddy commit such violent acts…
LikeLike
I’m 22 years old…I’ve faced sexual and physical abuse for the past 11 years. My mom refused to believe me because she has cancer and needed her husband to be around if anything were to happen to her in order to financially support my sister and I. My dad has 8 children, and still has not learnt to be a father as yet. My sister knew what was going on, well not the extent of it. She is older yes but she is weaker than me and I knew it would kill her so I switched bedrooms with her and gave her the room which had a door that could lock. She just thought I was being nice and giving her the bigger room. I took it all just to save her. There was no one else to turn to. I became very depressed, suicidal, developed an eating disorder, my self esteem was very low and I hated and blamed myself. I was always marked up and bruised up, always crying, always on edge, and I was lonely.Then I met someone when I was 17 [now my boyfriend] and he’s helped me a great deal. Many nights when I was living by my mom he had to rescue me and many nights he had to clean my bruises. His friendship was very theraputic for me,Because of him I see myself as a beautiful, intelligent strong woman who has been a victim of a brutal reality but will not let it consume her. He encouraged me to move out at 18, I got an apartment, part time job and went to college.
Its still difficult now…I dont have to look over my shoulder constantly, or I do not look in the mirror and see all my scars and think I’m ugly….but I still have nightmares which cause me to wake up screaming and crying and always causes my boyfriend to be afraid to touch me, mostly because sometimes I’m still afraid. It just seems as though this will always stand in my way. We’ve been together for the past 3 years, I trust him with my life but there’s a part of me thats waiting for him to snap.
LikeLike
Not all abuse is husband and wife. My parents were abusive and my siblings have carried on the chain of abuse. Now I find myself having to shelter myself, my husband and my children from their cruelty, abuse, threats and violence. And they have turned their abuse on my elderly mother who was emotional abusive and neglective – an eye for an eye in their minds. An unnecessary continuation of the pain and two wrongs don’t make a right in my opinion.
I have created a loving family with my husband and two wonderful children, however there are moments when my siblings reach out typically because they need money and “attack”. This is one of those moments. I guess I will never be able to totally overcome the pain this causes or the unhappy memories it evokes, but I won’t be a victim any longer now that I have a choice. I will defend myself because I couldn’t as a child. And I will survive the pain and live an overall happy life. That is my right and my choice.
LikeLike
I have read some of the posts here. We are all in or have been in the similar boat. I was married to a wonderful man for 7 yr the last 6-8 months of that last yr was HELL. His ex father n law died and he seemed to be pulled back into his old marriage. Then he started yelling at me for no reason he never did this before. Started calling my son (not his) the one he loved as his own, names bad names. I left on aug 21 after an argument that he controlled. He yelled at me so loud that my neighbors 1/4 mile away could hear it. The wife wanted to call the cops but her husband said NO its not our business. well anyways i left that night. came back 1 week later to get my stuff with him there. we were talking fine for the 2 days before this date (Sept 6 2009). he agreed to let me get my stuff. I got there he talked me into getting in our truck to go over to our other house and get a hitch for the lawn mower I was gonna take. He then pinned me in the truck against a building and pulled a gun on me. First he put it in my temple then mouth then in my chest. While doing so he questioned me if i took drugs if i sleeping with someone. well you all no the questions they ask. Any ways he threatened my life and my sons if i did not be his puppet on the string. I was not alowed to call cops or even tell anyone. I only made it over night. but he started threatening others so I had to stop him. well this is what happens when you get law and courts involved. Needless to say he spent 30 days in mental institution where they said he had BIPOLAR MANIA. then 30 days in jail til he got house arrest and now he is out on the streets under supervised probation. while I deal with not knowing if he is going to kill me or not. “He is sick you need to help him..” sorry but Fu @# that. I will not let him control my life. Now since all that is out. This is how I deal with it.
My hard times is at night trying to sleep bedtime rituals is what i call them. The elastic bracelets you can get i wear one most of the time. Pull it out let it slap your wrist and say. I am a survivor, I am safe, he is not gonna control me. I conquer…… get my picture. say what makes you feel better it actually helps with anxiety levels. soothing candle going as i get out of a nice bath. all this will help.
I not only had this stress going on but I was also a 3rd semester RN student and guess what ladies and gents. I got out I finished my Rn school and will graduate tomorrow. He did not win I chose my own life. Abusers are pieces of shit and can be controlled whether they have mental disorder or just dumb..
“Don’t let the past events slow down the peasures in your future”–HE (ME)
good luck to all we can make a difference……each hand connects to the next..
LikeLike
Dear Sara,
Thank you for writing. Please let me know any help you need with your paper, I am in the final stages of a book on what finally happens to make a woman leave and what she does to stay strong and independent.
Your strength will bring much to those around here.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I came across this site while trying to find information on why women stay in abusive relationships. I am currently working on writing a research paper for a class of mine, and I am looking for good quotes to use.
I want to tell everyone here who is still in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, or contemplating getting out, or even on the path to recovery, to not give up. About a year ago, I left a similar situation with a man who I had both worked with, and lived with. Leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done, especially since I walked out on my life, my job, and moved halfway across the country to be with my family. It’s incredibly tough to start over, but it is also liberating to find the freedom to move on. It took me a long time to come to terms with the situations that led me to this relationship, and to admit that this was happenng to me. It was a blesssing to me to finally break my silence and admit to my friends and former coworkers that this had happened, and to realize that I had more support than I ever knew was possible.
To anyone who feels isolated, please know that there are many people out there that understand what you are going through. Let that be your salvation when you feel alone. To anyone who is fearful about leaving, stay strong and have hope…you’ll find the answers that work best for you when the time is right.
I welcome anyone who is comfortable sharing their experiences with me, if emailing is comfortable and safe for you.
LikeLike
Dear Michelle,
I logged in just to respond to your post. It broke my heart to read and a I read lots of abuse situations. Not only losing the man of your dreams but to end up with this horrible man, damn. I know sounds harsh but can you just pick up and leave. You are the perfect situation to call abuse hotline and get out, he will eventually put you in the hospital. He knows you won’t tell anyone and will make your life a living hell as you already know.
I don’t mind emailing you directly but since you live with the abuser now, he may check your email and this will put him over the top that you are talking to someone else. You can post here and I and others will respond to help you but I do not want to put you in any jeopardy.
He is the ass, it doesn’t matter what he says about your past, he is a jealous, mean man.
Important, now lets take the focus off of him, we can’t change him, we can change you and your life, get it back. I found a great site, you need specific support for women who are abused by cops, you have if even more difficult when trying to leave or get help.
I encourage you to read the site and tips: Make sure to clean out your cookies and do NOT leave a trail of where you have been online. Always if you call a place for help, redial pizza or information so he does not see last number called. Get a cell phone prepaid and hide it if you can. It could save you.
Copied from http://www.purpleberets.org/ If the link does not work just type it in.
If You’re Not Yet Ready to Leave . . .
* Open up a safe deposit box and begin to fill it with the papers you’ll need to get out; i.e., passport, children birth certificates, car registration and insurance papers, and whatever money you can set aside. Don’t count on using credit cards – he may cancel them once you leave.
* Make a safety plan in case you have to flee. Where would you go where he wouldn’t look for you? How would you get there? Who would be a contact person you can trust who would know how to reach you? How would you handle your employer? Your children’s schools?
* Take, or have a friend take, pictures of your injuries after any domestic violence incidents starting now. Date the photos, and put with them a written statement by the photographer stating the date and circumstances under which the photos were taken. Put them in your safe deposit box, along with your account of the incident.
* Keep any notes from your batterer, cards from flowers sent to win you back after beatings, tapes of phone messages containing threats or rageful behavior. Put them in your safe deposit box.
* Keep a log of all incidents, including date, what happened, injuries, witnesses, names of those you told about the beating (if anyone), whether police were called and, if so, what officer responded and how they handled the call.
* If you need medical care after a beating, get a copy of the doctor’s or hospital report and put it in your safe deposit box. Even if you lied to the medical person about how you were injured, this can be important evidence. Put your account of the incident with the medical report .
* Start making friends and contacts outside the law enforcement community. Many partners of police officers aren’t “allowed” to have friends who aren’t cop-related, which means you have no support system if you decide to leave. You’re going to need that support system, so start now cultivating friendships with co-workers, parents of your children friends, etc.
Here is another site for women and police abusers http://www.womenandpolicing.org/violenceFS.asp If the link does not work just type it in.
My hear goes out to you and our children. People you do not know really care. I care what happens to you. I will post more under this link for you as I locate it.
Love & Peace,
Other resoures to motivate and inspire you:
Rebecca
LikeLike
I’ve been with my abuser for 3 years now. He is a cop, and uses that to his advantage. I don’t love him anymore (how could I with what he does to me) but I stay with him because I am scared to death of what will happen if I make him leave. I have always been the peacemaker and strong one, and when I met this loser, he took all that from me. I have no family but my 2 children in this state I live in, I feel hostage of my own home.
Tonight,he choked me until I passed out. When I came too, he grabbed both my wrists and as hard as I tried to keep from it, he kept makin me hit him!! His nose started bleeding, all I kept saying was please stop! But he was to strong for me to keep from my hands doing what he forced. He then said…now go to the cops..I’ll just say you hit me first.. I would never fight back because I don’t want to lose my children, I told him, you must be wuss to make me hit you because you know I would never do it otherwise. I left with my kids and my friend at the gas station realized I had marks all over my throat and wrists. I drove to the Police department and just sat there and cried! All the cops that could hurt me, were waiting outside…what do I do now???I’ve lost all hope, I have done everything..even beg for help in advice on how to get him out my house and still be alive afterwards.
What happened to the strong, loving, independant woman I used to be? How do I get her back? I just want mine and my childrens lifes back, he doesn’t touch my children, I guess he knows if he ever did, I’d go crazy on him.. Another thing…I am 27 years old, an lost the love of my life (my childrens dad, my husband and highschoo sweetheart) in a tragic car accident 6 years ago. I feel if he were here I wouldn’t be going through any of this. My husband was a amazing man, he was my world, and I and the kids were his..we miss him so much, but this loser im with won’t let me even go to his grave!! He tells me that I need to go F*#% his dead bones!! why would anyone say something soooo hurtful and nasty?? I started seeing my husband when I was 14 years old, we got married when I was 16 and stayed happily married until the day he died. I feel this guy may be jealous of that??
I don’t know if I am allowed to give my email for personal responses related to my situation..please if someone could let me know, I would appreciate it..
Thank you in advance, and I look forward to someday being OK again like so many of you, I feel strong for the moment (if only for a second:) Thank you for your motivation..
My favorite quote is one my big sis stickynoted up all over my house after my husband died..
“Never put a question mark where God has put a period”
LikeLike
I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 2 years. Almost from the beginning, he was mentally abusive, making me feel like I wasn’t good enough and always “turning the tables” every time he was wrong. I was not financially sound and finally moved in with him about 6 months ago. Over the past 6 months, he has beaten me many times. He is a very big, strong man and throws me around like a ragdoll. One night, after he beat me, he sodomized me, and every time after he beats me, he makes me have sex with him. He would actually tell me I wasn’t going anywhere because I didn’t have anywhere to go. He paid the bills, he “took care of me”… He beat me when I got a promotion at work, he beat me on my birthday, he beat me on Thanksgiving. He told me he was going to “gut me” and that I had seen my last birthday. After he beat me the night before Thanksgiving, broke my new laptop (that he bought me for my birthday on Nov9th and reminded me about how nice it was for 2+ weeks) over my head and chipped one of my teeth. Finally, I called the police. He was arrested but his parents bailed him out and he is trying to convince everyone (even me) that he did nothing wrong. I am scared, I have no place to live, and I have very little money. Still, for the last few days, I have felt more like myself than I have for a long time. I haven’t been called a moron or stupid or hit for almost a week now and I realize I don’t deserve this. He tries to tell me that if I would just learn to shutup, he wouldn’t hit me! I want to live to raise my kids and walk without pain or wear what I want without having to cover up bruises. I want to be able to go to my parents’ house anytime, not just when I don’t have any marks on me. I know I can do this but when I talk to him, I start to feel weak again. The answer is simple: “don’t talk to him” but he still has a bit of a hold on me. I am going to start going to a support group and trying to get my self-esteem, dignity, and pride back! I will keep you posted but this website was very helpful for me to see that they all do the same things. They break you down and make you lose sense of how life can really be. I am looking foward to the rest of mine – without him!
LikeLike
Its called hitting on girls not HITTING girls, we all need to get it right, support against domestic violance.
LikeLike
Hi,
I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your quotes and all the postings. Im currently getting ready to start speaking out to high schools, colleges, and the police acadamy for the first time since I became a statistic in the countless number of women who go through this…! I think that thats where it starts alot of the times because you hear about dont do drugs, dont drink and drive, abstinence, safe sex, but to they ever say hey!! dont let him talk down to you, dont let him tell you your not beautiful, dont let him drive your friends and family away, dont let him push you, and definitly dont let him beat your head in!! well…NO! or at least I didnt when I was in high school anyways. People think that its just commen sense but when you love someone with everything you have commen sense isnt what you base your desicions on!! I just wanted to say what you are doing is great! It amazes me how before you become a victim of domestic violence you never hear about it, its just something you see on tv and your thinking why doesnt she just leave him!!?? Needless to say I found myself staring at my mom and dad across a hospital room when i was 19 years old with a doctor telling me I had a bleeding brain after making the attempt to end the on again off again relationshipe of 3 years, and even though they dropped his charge to a misdeamenor, and virtually got away scott free…best desicion I ever made….!!! A lady once told me that: you never get over it, for God gave us a brain and with that and our heart we will always remember it, but it is by your choice that you get through it, and though you will never be who you were, you now have the ability to become a better person beyond your wildest dreams with compassion, knowledge, and the simple thing that you can say to other victims…I have been there…and its going to be ok because when all is lost there is still hope…! God bless what your doing and you!! best of wished always!!!
LikeLike
Thanks Rebecca… It has come to a head. My sister has finally abandoned us. She said that she has to choose between us and her husband. She also said that she and her husband are one person, because they are married, and if we do not accept him, we are not accepting her. This is all very hurtful, becuase we have told her so many times we love her and want her in our lives. She has been 100% brainwashed by her husband. Help, we are all lost…
LikeLike
I just had the strength to finally leave my ex. I stayed because of fear. Fear for what he would do to me, and fear for what he would do to himself. I no longer fear him. I gave birth to my son 4 months ago and he gave me strength. He made me realize that I had to find a way to safely break away. But one thing, I was now fearful for what he would do to my son. I had to survive, and come up with a strategy but even after all the hateful words and hurtful things he had done to me I still loved him. There is nothing worse than watching 3 police officers arrest the man you loved. But my son gave me the strength to follow through and overcome it. I’m now happy and reunited with my family after a year and a half of not being allowed to talk to them. What women like me need is support and love.
LikeLike
I always considered myself a smart woman and never thought that anything let alone this could happen to me.I was practically swept off my feet at the age of 19 and soon was moving across the country with him engaged and house hunting.Little did i know the sociopath in him and the abuse already began.Isolating me away from my family and friends slowly,not allowing me to return to school or work.It started so small and he always apoligized afterwards.I am 25 now and have been a survivor for 2 years and 6 days.I was thousands of miles away from any family or friends, and the dr at the hospital called my mother in NY and I was so embarrased and still wanted to lie for him.This was the 3rd time i actually went to the hospital b/c of him, and then something clicked next time would be the last time b/c he promised me i would never make it.I finally told the truth to my family,the police and the doctors.He was charged with attempted murder,but thanks to his connections with the police dept. and his expensive lawyer he only spent 2 days in jail.The charges were dropped to battery and all he got was lousy fines/community service/domestic violence class.
I know i am alive and i know i am out of the situation and i should be happy,but not one day goes by without me thinking why did i let this happen to myself, why didn’t i see it?In Aug of 2008 i tried to commit suicide and ended up in the Intensive Care Unit for 2 weeks.I was alive and didn’t feel like i should be.I realized now all i needed was closure, and i am not going to get it from him or our justice system.I need to find it within myself,through therapy and medication i feel i am almost at that point today.I also get so many people who don’t understand,or want to know why i stayed so long? I would love to sit there and explain all that a complete sociopath is capable of and how little we can control our fear.My goal is to let other young ladies know that it is possible to happen to anyone and that it is not ok and that violence is never the answer.I want someone to hear my whole story and maybe just maybe i can stop one potential next victim.I feel it’s such a taboo subject and as a survivor it’s my duty to make others aware. I loved reading stories about how other survivors made it through, because i know everyday is a blessing,but it is also a struggle.
LikeLike
Thank you Rebecca… It is hard to seperate my thoughts about it, just last night my sister was going to move in to our house with her daughter.. and she changed her mind because one of her religious friends convinced her that she has not tried hard/long enough on her marriage.. It is dissapointing to hear, when she was so convinced on leaving just hours before that… I keep my heart open that there is a God out there, although that God that is out there, if there is one, is letting me down right now…
LikeLike
Dear Annie,
I am so sorry to hear about your sister. The best advice I can give you is to never give up on your sister. Someday she will be ready and will be happy you are there. Try your best not to judge her for staying. No one could have told me to leave, I had happy and fearful times but she will not leave until she has had enough. She has to want more out of her life, you can not make her want more, you can only be supportive when she needs you.
In the same breath you can be firm and seek support for yourself like you are doing here. It is just as painful for the family as they stand by and watch the pain of a loved one.
I hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
hello.
i just wanted to say this is very motivational
i was looking for a quote for my research paper about Abused Women and I stumbled onto this.
You women who go through this are amazing.
My love with them always..
~~Ceci~~
LikeLike
You are all so inspirational. My sister is in an abusive relationship right now, emotional and mentally… not physically that I can say, but who knows. She rarely shares anything with us anymore, brainwashed by her husband that it is “their business” and not ours. I need support on how to talk to her, to get her help. She has reached out a few times to us, staying with us, or having her daughter stay with us for a week at a time, a few times. How does someone “wake up” from this, when one day things are horrible, fighting, screaming, knocking things over; and the next, they are perfect, he loves her, and he is sorry and wont do it again… She says that she does not want to give up yet, until she has tried everything. Of course she is always trying, she is always the one to fix things, not him…
LikeLike
[…] To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed. Written by Lynn Mari (The Last Straw) […]
LikeLike
Okay… somehow I read over Melissa asking for the author of the quote I posted. I am so sorry but I do not know where I found that quote. I was working on setting up a teen hotline and brochure for teen dating violence on behalf of the local shelter here and I was doing some research online and stumbled across it on a website. But there was no author listed under the quote so I assumed it just belonged to the site. I believe, if I remember correctly it was from a brochure on signs of TDV and such and the information on how to leave and their teen 24 hour hotline. I now just spent an hour and half looking for the site but unfortunately was unsuccessful. Again, I apologize I was unable to be more help. If you want to give credit I would just say author unknown that way it doesnt seem as if you are trying to take credit for it yourself….
Good luck!!!
&& I believe the actual quote is backwards, i.e. ” Survivor by Choice, Victim by Fate.”
but i thought it made more sense the other way around!:)
LikeLike
I am sorry that it has been a year since i have made a comment- life keeps us busy i guess or its priorities that get mixed up.
I hadnt noticed that anyone was asking to use my story but if that were and is still the case or ever is in the future here is my information:
Email: hpostlewait@yahoo.com
alt. email: hpostlewait@porscheofnaples.com
I would happy to help with ANYTHING at all!!! 🙂
LikeLike
Dear Melissa,
I am not sure who wrote the quote, “Victims by fate, survivors by choice”? A blogger posted in here.
I wish you all the best.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Dear Harley,
I hope you see this, someone has asked to use your story. Please let me know if you want to provide your name or contact info.
thanks,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Some responses got messed up, the one above this was for the Dr that posted about PTSD
LikeLike
Sorry it has taken so long to post. feel free to use what ever you need, that is the reason I am here. I encourage you to post here, I can even start a string just for you. All the women and men and children here suffer with PTSD, I just responded to 5 posts tonight. Any help, symptoms and help are greatly appreciated here.
I wish you all the best and hope to hear from you again.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Wow, that was pretty powerful. I am not sure what to say. I almost lost my son to suicide just last year, he watched his father try to kill me. The pain of the type of many his father was and the thought he would grow up to be an abuser frightened him. He seems to be pulling out of it now and can not wait to be a father of a girl and boy. With him as the father they will be strong. Had I had a strong mother and father I would have had self esteem and known how a person should be treated.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi Rebecca,
I came across your site looking for a good quote on domestic violence. I was very pleased to see the nature of this site. I am currently and slowly working towards setting up small think tank/symposiums for women who have escaped from domestic violence, therapists ect, and other interested parties to sit down and TALK about what works and what does not. I volunteered at a women’s shelter for three years. I was a very strong and active advocate for battered women…I said all the “right” things, and experienced all the ups and downs involved in helping “these” women. I was strong, I was ferocious, untiring.
Until…it happened to me. After I escaped my abuser and began talking about it I had to deal with the enormous shame of KNOWING what was happening to me and feeling powerless to stop it. People said all the “right” things to me and I can promise you that they were useless. I was one of “those” women.
I’d like now to sit with women and really TALK about what moved them, get ideas and formulate NEW ways to be more effective in aiding women in their escape from ALL forms of domestic violence. Last but not least, we MUST change the way the law deals with victims of ALL types of abuse in the home. My abuser was afraid of being kicked out of the U.S. (not a citizen) so he stopped hitting me when he realized calling the police might get him in just enough trouble to force him out (although he had a great plan to place the blame on me). Instead he turned to emotional rape, verbal abuse, and just about everything else that destroys without leaving a bruise.
I was stunned to find I had NO legal recourse, no way to get compensation for my therapy (PTSD) and when I talked to lawyers..I was actually told it was MY fault. The perception of other forms of domestic violence is currently inadequate. Trust me, I think I would have rather had my face rearranged than go through what I did. A bruise you can see can get you help, can get you legal recourse…but the damage you cannot see (although by the time I left I was a vomiting shaking barely able to swallow piece of nothing) is every bit as bad.
It is time for ALL forms of domestic violence to receive the same type of attention from law enforcement. It is time to STOP victimizing women for calling the police for help. MEN are police officers and they are none too eager to lock up their brethren. I’d like to see domestic violence teams in neighborhoods, volunteers trained to deal with the victim, leave the abuser to the cops.
I don’t know what the answer IS, but there has to be a better way.
Having been on both sides of the fence…I KNOW there is a need, and I want to bring like minded people together to TALK and brainstorm and try to find a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.
My email is unpublished but I trust you will be able to see it.
LikeLike
why is it bad to prefer male child when parents are scared of their daughters being ruined at the hands of some third person called husband and his family…..why to accept domestic violence giviing birth to a girl child.
who would take the responsibility if the girl who commits suicide in adverse circumstsnces created by these heartless beings?
its good not to have one than to have and lose at the hands of such creatures.
LikeLike
[…] When I am asked why a woman doesn’t leave abuser I say: Women stay because the fear of leaving is … […]
LikeLike
I have suffered abuse for the last 5 of the 28 years of life. Alough, I was never physcially assualted I suffered every other spectrum. Because there was no physical assault,I thought it was okay. Intimidation was the main thing he would use. If i left him I wouldnt have money, or he would get me fired, or he would tell my family awful things about me. If I decided to date another man, he would rip his head off. If I ever moved, he would find me and take our son away. He would stalk me, find my passwords and read my emails, my journals. He had a key to my aparment and one night I woke up to him standing at the end of my bed, because he wanted to know who was in bed with me. One day it got bad. We were at court because he was in contempt for not paying his child support and as we were walking out he reached in my car and took my phone out of my hand and threw it under my car. I honked my horn, and noone came to help. I felt vulnerable, i felt terrified, I felt that if I had screamed he would have slapped me. Just because in the past 5 years of dating this “man” he has never been physically violent he has been everything else. Mentally, emotionally, controlling, jealousy. That day he was arrested with 5th degree domestic. Still to this day he is pleading not guilty. Having to see him at court proceedings kills me cuz I just dont have the strength to do it. He tore me down, he made me feel like the scum people walk on; but I have risen and I will rise above him. What does not kill us, makes us stronger. I have to remind myself that when I go on stand.
LikeLike
Dear K.R.,
I know as a sister how heartbreaking this is for you, it killed my sisters to see me living that way. She is lucky to have you. You are so young to be so wise, really. I loved your quote and will be sure to post it here. People who think like you are the ones that will change this world. Find ways to channel this kind heart that you have, support your sister but do for you too. Find a cause and put our heart in it, you will change the world. Your sister will find the time when she is ready, no one can give us that strength. My quote is a woman stays because she fears leaving more than she fears staying, she will leave when she fears staying more than she fears leaving.
I wish you all the best K.R.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Hope to hear from you again.
LikeLike
I am not a victim of domestic violence; I never was. My sister, however, is. My sister’s husband is in a lot of trouble for domestic violence. He pushed her down the stairs when she had Hailey (My 9-month-old niece) in her arms. Hailey was unharmed (luckily), and my sister had a sprained ankle. When I am over there in general, they fight a lot, but it never got physical. If it ever did, and I was there, I would be the one to stop it before it got any worse. Really, I would. No one touches my sister like that. Husband or not; it is unacceptable. But yeah, this is the second time he did something physical with her (about two years ago, he hit her a couple times). She never called the cops.
This time, since Hailey was in danger (b/c he put her in danger), she called 911, and they came. This thing has been going on for 2 weeks now. I was (and still am) pissed at her husband for hitting her in the first place. My mom was all, “She shouldn’t have run her mouth.” I was pissed and said, “It doesn’t matter! It’s not her fault! He never should have hit her in the first place!” I was mad. My mom is blaming my sister. It makes me so mad when people blame the people who are victims of a crime.
But yeah, she could lose her child, because they think that Hailey’s not in a safe environment, even though my sister didn’t hit the baby at all (and never would). It doesn’t make sense to me, but honestly, no one from my family is going to support her. I want to be the one there for her, because if she does lose Hailey, I want to be the one who is there when she falls apart, and she will. I doubt Hailey will get taken away, because I’m just hoping for the best. But it sucks, because my sister’s husband is going to go back to the house and the fights will continue on. Pisses me off so bad. I worry so much about her. I think, “Maybe she’ll leave him.”
But I have a small feeling she won’t because she was all, “I love him.” I hate it when people do that. But she needs to stay with him (according to her), because he’s the one who pays the bills and shit. One of my classes had a discussion about this on Monday (the week that school was going to be out). Domestic violence. That was the topic.
I am 17 years old, and because I am very empathetic, I put myself in people’s shoes a lot. I could never feel exactly how she felt, nor completely understand, but DV happening to people I love and care for (even complete strangers), is like it’s happening to me. It’s very painful, knowing that things like this happen. It breaks my heart. I wish things weren’t as bad as they are now. ALL KINDS OF ABUSE NEEDS TO STOP! I wish there was a way to make society better. I am confident my sister will see the light and leave, even if it means losing her house and coming to our mother’s house.
She’s strong, she just hasn’t found the strength. I want to be the one who helps her find that strength she’s been looking for.
“You’re only a victim if you let yourself be. If you’re a survivor, you win. If you are a victim, your abuser wins.” -K.R.(Me)
I just made that quote up. It’s a good one, too. It’s nothing but the truth. Please Email me; I would love to hear back from you.
LikeLike
i have read all of everyone coments and its harder than what it seems like when somoene treats you like a queen and then you turn around and your getting slapped or hit on the head then at one moment your so happy with them and then you say or do somthing wrong and triggers him its so fast you cant even think its happens only in closed doors
LikeLike
i never thought how abuse would affect me. i was always strong and independent until recently i became involved in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. ive watched this cycle continue and now im pregnant and i dont want my child to experience what ive experienced with him. it started with name calling and screaming and disrespect and gradually turned into isolation from friends family and work, physical abuse and blaming everything on me. i deserve better and so does my child. ive stayed these past months thinking he would change and he hasnt he just plays a role to keep me and figure out how to hurt me again in a more severe way while im pregnant. ive decreased my self esteem and value so much that ive become depressed to the point where life isnt work living. im 21 years old and too young to experience this so im finding the courage to leave. i was fine without him before i met him and ill be fine without him even with my child. he has done this to previous girlfriends and i realized it later in the relationship but ive kept track and pictures of all the abuse and items hes destroyed for my safety.
the strongest women is one which could stop and realize a situation and correct it even if its scary.
Value yourself and dont let anyone bring you down!
LikeLike
i have been in many abusive relationships… my mother as well… i hate her for what she does, but then that makes me hypocritical because i stay. Everytime it happens there is a new guilt trip to hold me down and leave me sitting alone crying asking myself why… i know i am strong. i have endured more things in my life than many, and yet i am still grateful for what i have. I just dont feel like i can get away no matter how bad i want to.
LikeLike
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. Four months or so into our relationship..i was 17, he was 19..I got pregnant and my mom forced me to get an abortion that my boyfriend and i both did not want. After this the abuse started. At first it was little things, like pulling my hair, shoving me and holding me down. He would do it every couple months than not, than do it again. This past fall I started my freshman year of college and the abuse got worse, to the point it was every weekend and it was more slapping,kicking,punching. I recently went on vacation with his family and we had gone out alone and got into a fight and it turned VERY physical. My parents found out because I called my friend and she went to my house to tell my parents because she said she had enough of seeing me this way. His family found out of course when we showed up at the house and they told me theyve known its been going on. I still occasionally talk to him I am just so lost and confused. Everytime I try to leave I feel like I need to go back, like I need him in my life. I would just like some advice!
LikeLike
love doesnt hit.
LikeLike
This site, as well as others’ stories have gave me hope. I’m 22, and recently got out of an abusive relationship of 2 years. I grew up with an abusive father and seen what my mom went throught, so I swore I’d never be in this situaion…little did I know. It started off perfect like everyother relationship, but the manipulation, isolation, name calling, and control was just the tip of the ice berg then it was the pushing, hitting, choking. I stayed in fear of being lonely, guilt that it was all my fault, hope that I’d be the one to change him and asshamed of what others might think. After being hit in the head with a beer bottle, I was sitting in the hospital as the doctors put staples in my head, I realized that I couldnt continue to live my life like this. I was in denial during the relationship, and he always turned everything around on me to make me feel bad, when really it was him. It has been 4 months since the last inncident and I am just starting to get back on my feet. This has been the hardest thing I’ve experienced so far, not only the abuse but the emotional damage & scars that I’m left with, but with the help of God, family, friends, therapy and knowing that there are others out there that know how I feel, makes it easier for me everyday. I know that things can only get better with each day that passes 😉
LikeLike
Dear Amanda,
Face each day with your head held high. You go! Walk away baby, walk away. When a woman asks how do I leave, just walk away. Sounds simple but we all know it ain’t. Sometimes can’t even get near the door never mind get out it.
Share how you keep tough, I feel that is the best support that can be provided someone that is/has been abused. For if I can stay tough then I can help another, who will then help another. We must pass on our strength to every man, woman and child. Don’t be denied.
Love & Peace,
Post again
Rebecca
LikeLike
To all who believe they aren’t strong enough…I promise, you are. When you can still get out of bed each morning, see the sunshine, and find anything during your day to even slightly smile about, then you still have that strength. I have spent the last year and a half in a very violent and abusive relationship. He had a pattern of multiple partners previously whom he abused, threatened, and got away with all of it. I was, obviously, unaware of them until further into the relationship. Just as many articles read, he had a way with remorse…started slow, with just apologies and turning the blame onto me and gradually built up to a fancy $6,000 wedding set and a proposal. No matter what he said, bought, or did, he was still the same, cheating, violent, controlling person he always has been, and I fell for it everytime. Even after he got another girl pregnant while with me. I’ve finally gotten out, however, he isn’t one to stop. Never give up…never. I’m not. Face each day with your head held high and do all the right things to prevent anyone from hurting you again, and every opportunity you receive to, contact the police. Trust me…it’ll work.
LikeLike
I’m a therapist in private practice, and I’m presenting a 3-day conference on Trauma, PTSD & Domestic Violence next month in Guatemala. I’d love to read the poetry you mention, and possibly quote some of it in my presentation, with appropriate author citation, of course. Thanks!
LikeLike
I feel so moved by everything that I have just read all the beautifull quotes an moving comments.I myself am currently in an extrememly abusive relationship, i’ve got a fractured cheekbone which i’m awaitin to have surgery on and i’m only 21, I was looking for some strength or some hope into why I stay an if i’m the only person who is actually so weak 2 put up with this, I still waitin for the fear of leavin to over come the fear of stayin, and I jus want to thank each one of you for helpin come 1stepcloser
LikeLike
Dear Anonymous,
I will post your quote under section here, “It’s hard to look for the light when your lost in darkness.” That captures so very much. I am so happy to read your story. By sharing what you have you will help another woman that comes here for support, wondering can she really be whole without her abuser. Can she really live and survive after this. Yes, she can for you have. You sound like such a strong young lady. The understanding that you have provided here is what is most needed to help men, women and children heal after DV. Remember, no matter what color, race of sex anyone can fall a victim of DV.
You are always in our thoughts and prayers. Be well and thanks for sharing today.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Hi everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know I love this sight and the inspirational stories. I have always been a strong independant individual and very wary of men. Domestic abuse is the last thing on earth I could picture myself falling victim to. However, I got into a relationship with an abusive boyfriend and it slowly took over- and took away- my life. I was so ignorant and blind to the signs that something was seriously wrong. I lost my friends, my health, much of my hair, my self confidence and so much more. He slowly and subtly broke me down and brainwashed me (which I didn’t beleive was possible). In the beginning of the abuse I didn’t stay because I was afraid or because he wouldn’t let me- I stayed because I didn’t feel whole without him. I went from being completley self sufficient- to needing him for everything. I gained 38 lbs in 3 months as the abuse got worse and worse. He finally began chasing me down to beat me when I tried to escape and eventually strangled me almost to death. I’m not sure how I survived- and immediatly after the incident- I desperatly wished I hadn’t. I’ve always considered myself to be the eternal optomist, but this was too much for me. I suffered through the worst pain I could ever imagine and I cannot help now but to feel the most intense sympathy for anyone who has been the victim of some type of abuse. The best thing to do is get away- don’t make excuses, don’t be a victim. I have been away from my abuser for almost a year and I wake up everyday so happy (finally) I can barely stop smiling. It’s hard to look for the light when your lost in darkness- but it is going to come. God bless you all and the struggles you have overcome ❤
LikeLike
I was wondering whether I could get permission to use Harley’s story in a brochure about the Anchorage Domestic Violence Prevention Project I work with in Anchorage Alaska?
LikeLike
Hello, who wrote the quote, “Victims by fate, survivors by choice”? I would love to use that, but I want to credit the author. I come from three women in my immediate family who have suffered domestic violence, and I was the only one who was able to break the cycle, so far. I love what you’re doing, and I hope you keep it up. 🙂
LikeLike
i am 22 i think this is a great website i am glad to read about other people in domestic violence i know i am not alone i left my partenr of 3 years last night we have to kids he has beaten me many times! i decided to leaeve him last night after yet another beating. he has left my house for the first time and i am moving back with my parents until i can save enough money to get my own place. thankyou for helping guide me the right way i know i am doing the best thing now !
LikeLike
Dear Harley,
YOU GO GIRL! I am so damn proud of you and thanks for posting. To have someone so young get it now it what I dream of often. Don’t repeat the same abuse in new mates, many others do. When asked why you stayed answer how you just did. That is really how many of us feel/felt. Especially young girls. We want to be loved so damn much we put up with it.
If I could go back and time and prevent my own abuse I think that had I learned about self help and motivating people around me like I do know I never would have put up with a thing. Know, years later I don’t tolerate ANY disprect from anyone, never a man I speak with. If you don’t show me respect, you don’t get the time of day from me.
The key to that is this: if you don’t respect yourelf, why should anyone else?
Again, I applaud all that you are doing and for how wise you truly are for such a young lady.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
Let me know if there is anything I can ever do, I have some great DV posters and poems that other agencies have been using.
Loved teh Quote TOO
LikeLike
I am a Survivor of Teen Dating Violence. I stayed in my relationship for 4 and half years. Its been two years since i left him. I have spoken out about this and I am the first in my family to break the cycle 🙂 Im very proud of myself and how far i’ve come. But when I would speak at the highschools or do an event, people would ask me that o so famous question: “why didnt you leave?”
I didnt leave not just because of fear but more because the way i felt about myself. I didnt feel worthy of anything better. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I didnt agree when he said that I drove him to do those things to me. But I felt no better than the gum sticking to the bottom of a shoe, even before i began dating him. And i believe that that is why many of us end up in a relationship like that and continue to stay. Its normal to most of us (since we probably saw it at home and experienced it there) and when it begins in our relationship, we dont think much of it. I think I left out of fear. The abuse would be all day, everyday and I really began to fear for my life. I didnt value myself enough to get out of the relationship but i felt that there was room for improvement and i wanted to see it happen. I was afraid that he would kill me and i wouild never get to even try to be the woman i could be.
I feel that woman who endure things like domestic violence, rape, and so on are the most amazing and the strongest woman out there!! Our abusers may have made us victims of their cruel words and the harshness of their hands, but we made ourselves SURVIVORS of it all and came out on top!!
I came across this quote a few years ago and i absolutely love it. I think many of you will feel the same. Its short and simple but to the point.
“We were VICTIMS by FATE … but SURVIVORS by CHOICE!” 🙂
LikeLike
My experience with assault was one single, violent and terrifying evening. For a long time, I used that fact – that it was only one night – to try to hold my devestating emotional state at bay. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in an ongoing abusive relationship but I do know this – no matter what has happened to you, no matter how severe it was, you must eventually face the impact its had on you in order to heal.
At the time I was assaulted, I did look for services to support me. But many of them seemed to be geared towards women who were in long term abusive relationships. I felt intimidated, and a little embarrassed to be seeking support because of one night of violence. And so I muddled through, got some counselling, had some energy healing work, did plenty of yoga and meditation. Eventually it seemed I had my depression under control. But I was kidding myself.
A minor incident at the end of last year set off my depression again, and now I’m getting the help I need, and trying not to be embarassed about my experience. Trying not to trivialise it.
So I resonate with the quote about the ‘need to bleed’. My god. I feel as though I plastered over a half-healed wound, and right now I’m in the process of cleaning out the gunk and re-suturing a cleaner cut if you will.
LikeLike
Where did this come from? I’d like to use it in my upcoming annula report and wanted to know how to dredit anything I found on this posting . . . thanks!!
To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed.
Please email me directly.
Thanks!
LikeLike
I neevr sent my e-mail address. It’s jcjdye@aol.com
Anonymous Says:
September 13th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
We are opening an interim safe house for abused women and their children in St. Louis, MO. I’m pulling together, contect for our website, and wondered if I could use some of your quotes. I would, of course, credit you.
Thank you,
JoAnn Dye
New Genesis House
618-624-5316
thelaststraw Says:
September 15th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Dear Joanne,
Of course you can. I have some great poetry that is being used both other projects like yours. Send me your direct email and I will send them to you.
Bless all that you do.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
it’s easy to fear what will happen and what already has, but what people don’t seem to think of is what will happen in the present. Fear is just an emotion that can take control of your senses. When my father continued to hit me, I felt as though the world cared only about what he done. . . not how it made me feel. But, eventually my mom sat me down and asked how it made me feel. She gave me the chance to make things right with her and that also gave me the chance to tell my father what I couldn’t say before, ” I survived and there’s nothing you can to make yourself feel any better. So, sue me.”
LikeLike
Dear Lynn,
Thanks for the comments and quotes. I have posted your comments on the top of the page so readers will see them. Great stuff and thanks for taking the time to visit and share so much.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I would like to share my thoughts on what I have survived…
To be a survivor–first you must bleed. You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms. You bleed not once but several times.. And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live. When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents. Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform. You don’t have the same heart or mind. The way you see the world is forever changed. ❤ Love, Lynn Mari
____________________
“33 percent of homeless adults (and 45 percent of women) reported that they had stayed in an abusive relationship because they had nowhere else to live.”(Minnesota Coalition for the Homeless)http://www.mnhomelesscoalition.org/homelessness/facts/
“If you can’t be thankful for what you have, be thankful for what you have—escaped,” Menard’s Catalog (beneath the contractor compressor)
LikeLike
Dear Joanne,
Of course you can. I have some great poetry that is being used both other projects like yours. Send me your direct email and I will send them to you.
Bless all that you do.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
We are opening an interim safe house for abused women and their children in St. Louis, MO. I’m pulling together, contect for our website, and wondered if I could use some of your quotes. I would, of course, credit you.
Thank you,
JoAnn Dye
New Genesis House
618-624-5316
LikeLike
Jennifer,
Thank you soooo much for the comment. Other women need to know they can make it too. I care more about the families suffering than I do those that just don’t get it.
Be well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
Recently I was asked why I would stay with someone that acted that way. My reason was fear as what all women feel at the hands of their abusers. Most people don’t understand abuse if they never had to go through it. I was faced with many decisions when it came for me and my boys to leave. Today I couldn’t be happier with my decision to leave. I’m a stronger person now then I ever was before.
LikeLike
Dear Rev. Mulvey,
Thank you for your comments. I belive that the isolation is key, you find yourself so alone and when he tells you how things are and that no one else will ever want you after a while, like a prisoner in isolation, you belive it.
I am happy you found your way out of that darkness. Be well.
Love & Peace,
Rebecca
LikeLike
I was often asked why I stayed, and my reply was I was too afraid. I am no longer afraid. It helps to have a great support system. When you allow your abuser to isolate you from friends and family, you believe you have no way out when thats not true. There is always help, and there is always a way out. Have faith that God is working in your life to achieve that end.
LikeLike